Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love.
We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity.
Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.
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Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest opportunity for growth. In this episode, we’re exploring the Jungian concept of "the tension of opposites" and how it applies to non-monogamy. Rather than seeing these inner conflicts as problems to solve...
When we're feeling insecure in our relationships (especially during transitions like opening up, navigating new relationship dynamics, or major life changes), we often seek reassurance from our partners. But what does effective reassurance actually look like? How can we offer it authentically without trying to "fix" our partners' feelings? And how do we navigate the complex interplay between reassurance, reciprocity, and fairness? Reassurance in relationships isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. ...
Communication is the foundation of all relationships. But what happens when we're speaking different languages without even realizing it? Often the result is confusion, frustration, and feeling misunderstood. Enter, the fascinating world of high context and low context communication styles. This framework can transform how you understand relationship patterns and help you traverse the complex terrain of negotiated relationships. In this episode, we talk about: — The difference between high conte...
Many of us hear stories about couples who dive headfirst into non-monogamy without preparation (what I call the "jumping out of the airplane without a parachute" approach). But after 33 years of marriage, Bill and Laura decided to explore non-monogamy through a gradual, education-centered path. They’re joining us to share their experience with this slow and steady approach, which demonstrates the value of taking time to learn, process, and grow together before making significant changes to your ...
When couples consider opening their relationships, one of the most common questions that comes up is: "What will happen to us ?" This fear makes perfect sense—you've built something special together, and the prospect of change can feel threatening to the relationship you've carefully cultivated. This question comes from a place of caring deeply about your connection, but it also reveals something important about how we conceptualize relationships in our culture. Many of us have been taught that ...
Jealousy can feel overwhelming, urgent, and all-consuming. It can make us want to act immediately—to confront, to check locations, to curl up and hide, or even to rage. But what if instead of rushing to "fix" the situation, we first learned to stay present with ourselves through the storm? This episode is designed for you to use in real time, in the moments that jealousy hits. We’re offering a guided meditation and practical tips for those times when jealousy feels too big to handle. In this epi...
This episode delves into supporting a partner experiencing jealousy, emphasizing the need to normalize and understand this natural emotion. It distinguishes jealousy from envy and insecurity, offers practical tools like self-regulation and reflective empathy, and warns against unhelpful responses such as fixing, self-abandonment, or shame spirals. The discussion also covers the Jealousy Roadmap and how to recognize when jealousy becomes an unconscious control mechanism, ultimately building deeper intimacy.
Hosts Joli and Ken recount how they nurtured their established relationship energy through a deliberate five-day retreat after 18 months of significant personal and relational growth. They discuss the strategic use of a Minimum Viable Agreement (MVA) for clear expectations, choosing a familiar environment for reduced resilience demands, and employing tools like regular check-ins, differentiation, and soft safe words. The episode emphasizes that established relationships, like new ones, require intentional care and preparation to foster renewed love and connection.
When we step outside established relationship norms, we're not just changing our dating lives—we're challenging entire paradigms that shape how we see the world. In this episode, we welcome Marla Schreiber, author of the new book N on-Monogamy and Defying a Paradigm , to discuss what it truly means to question and move beyond mononormativity. Marla brings a fresh perspective as someone who's been practicing polyamory since 2005, when resources were scarce and community was hard to find. Their jo...
Dr. Nicole Thompson discusses how psychedelics function as “non-specific amplifiers” that can enhance all aspects of relationships, particularly non-monogamous ones. The conversation emphasizes the crucial importance of set, setting, and integration, drawing parallels between mind-expanding psychedelic experiences and the challenges and opportunities in non-monogamy. It highlights the role of community as medicine and offers practical integration practices for incorporating insights into daily life, with a focus on self-compassion and celebrating positive experiences.
Relationship ruptures happen to everyone, but repair is a critical learnable skill often not taught. This episode defines relationship rupture and effective repair, contrasting it with common, unhelpful approaches like relying on time, distraction, defensiveness, or forced forgiveness. Learn why repair is an opportunity to deepen intimacy and resilience, how timing and relevance matter, and get an overview of specific repair tools that help build strong, healthy connections.
Explore the Drama Triangle model (Victim, Hero, Villain) and how we get stuck in familiar relationship patterns. Discover the Empowerment Dynamic (Creator, Coach, Challenger) as a powerful alternative for transforming conflict. Learn practical ways to recognize your role and take small, purposeful steps to break free from drama cycles.
When your partner experiences something for the first time with another person—whether it's a first date, first kiss, or first intimate encounter—it can trigger a complex mix of emotions. These "firsts" often carry significant meaning and can create unexpected emotional responses, even when you feel intellectually prepared for them. You might spend months discussing, planning, and considering what opening your relationship will look like, but when the moment actually arrives—when theory becomes ...
What actually changes when you go from swinging to polyamory? Is it just more dates—or a total shift in your emotional and relational world? We explore the real answers—plus the question no one wants to ask: “What if my partner doesn't want to go with me?” This transition is more than a change in labels—it’s a deep reconfiguration of your emotional bandwidth, time, priorities, and sense of self. It often begins with excitement but can stir unexpected grief as you let go of identities, imagined f...
Joli Hamilton interviews Annie Undone, a non-binary queer writer, about their journey from monogamy to polyamory to relationship anarchy. They define relationship anarchy as tailor-making relationships for those involved, emphasizing deconstructing societal norms like heteronormativity and mononormativity. Annie shares personal experiences navigating intentional relationships, including the challenges of abuse and divorce, highlighting the importance of self-care, intergenerational connections, and approaching relationships with honesty and deconstruction, applicable to any relationship structure.
This episode explores how to transform personal goals into effective self-agreements. Learn practical steps like getting explicit about what you truly want, using consequences and rewards, and building a support system. The discussion emphasizes embracing flexibility, identifying friction points, and how keeping agreements with yourself strengthens integrity and resilience.
Jealousy often contains elements of grief, particularly ambiguous grief associated with changes and perceived losses in non-monogamous relationships, like shifting attention or imagined futures. Jealousy can sometimes act as a defense against the ambiguity of loss. Understanding the difference between grieving (the emotion) and mourning (the action) allows for processing these complex feelings and reframing jealousy as an opportunity for appreciation of what is valued.
Hierarchy is a controversial topic in non-monogamy. While some seek it for safety and predictability, dictionary definitions often include power dynamics that can be harmful. The episode distinguishes between wanting importance and having power over others' decisions, highlighting how managing complex priorities and defaulting to mono-norms can lead to hierarchical thinking. Through personal stories, including a broken arm incident, the hosts illustrate how emergencies test structures and the dissonance between agreements and actions. They encourage examining the underlying needs driving the desire for hierarchy and considering how power is used in all relationships, advocating for intentional language and actions over rigid labels.
Explore the concept of liminality, the often uncomfortable in-between space during transitions, particularly in relationships. Learn why rushing through this period prevents genuine transformation and how carrying old paradigms into new structures creates discomfort. Discover practical ways to navigate intentional liminal experiences, focusing on self-discovery and embracing the unknown for personal growth and relationship paradigm shifts.
When we open our relationships, we often focus on creating boundaries and agreements around emotions, time, and sex. But there's another crucial element that frequently gets overlooked (until it becomes a problem): money. How we handle finances in our relationships can reveal deep-seated values, trigger old wounds, and create unexpected power dynamics—especially when we start dating outside our established partnerships. The financial aspects of non-monogamy touch on some of our most vulnerable p...
Many of us experience a relationship renaissance when we first open up. There's a delicious new energy, deeper conversations, rekindled passion, and a sense that we're seeing our partners (and ourselves) in entirely new dimensions. It feels amazing, and naturally, we want to hold onto that feeling forever! But what are we supposed to do when that initial excitement starts to fade? Maintaining this renaissance isn't about freezing that initial excitement in amber. It's about understanding what's ...
We’ve made a ton of episodes about how to work on relationships once you’re in them. But we also often get asked… how do I actually find good matches while dating?? It’s not always as easy as making an online dating profile and seeing how it goes. We often focus so much on what we want in a partner that we forget to ask ourselves what we’re actually available to offer. If you’re struggling with dating, we’re gonna help you get clear on your availability and bottom-line requirements, which just m...
Reaching 200 episodes of any podcast is a milestone worth celebrating. But when you're recording with your spouse while simultaneously building a business together? That's a whole different level of achievement. In this special anniversary episode, we pull back the curtain on what it's like to navigate the complex terrain of intimate partnership while also being public-facing business collaborators. Our journey hasn't always been smooth—in fact, there were times when working together nearly brok...
We make verbal agreements with others every day. This can look like something simple—“I’ll bring you a cup of tea”—or like bigger, more complex relationship commitments. But when these agreements live only in our (fallible!) memories, they become vulnerable to misinterpretation, forgetfulness, and even unconscious manipulation. Writing down every single agreement you make isn’t practical (or necessary), but understanding when to put pen to paper can be the difference between relationship harmony...
This episode explores why jealousy can trigger intense nervous system responses, particularly in non-monogamous relationships. It delves into attachment theory, primal panic, and the physiological experiences of jealousy. The hosts discuss practical techniques for managing jealousy, the importance of understanding personal triggers, and the value of creating rescue plans and seeking specific reassurance.
Envy in relationships can be sneaky. It often hides behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment, making it hard to recognize—even when we're actively looking for it! When we feel envious of our partners, it creates a unique kind of tension. Unlike envying a metamour or someone outside your relationship, partner envy touches on deeper questions about fairness, comparison, and what we truly want. It can be particularly challenging because admitting envy means acknowledging someth...
Let's be honest—most of us really don’t want to talk about envy. It's uncomfortable, it feels icky, and it brings up all sorts of emotions we'd rather not face. You know we love to talk about jealousy, but understanding envy, especially how it differs from jealousy, can also be incredibly valuable for relational and personal growth. In this episode, we talk about: — The difference between envy and jealousy, and why we often conflate them — How envy involves comparing ourselves to others and brea...
New Relationship Energy (NRE) can make everything feel like a shiny object. We get it, we love that feeling too! If you’re practicing non-monogamy, you might actually find yourself feeling NRE in multiple places. We made this episode in response to a listener question—what do I do with all these feelings and expectations? How do I prepare for when this chemical cocktail starts to fade? Even though it’s really exciting, this noisy emotional environment requires thoughtful navigation to maintain b...
Joli Hamilton discusses reimagining relationships, differentiating it from de-escalation or uncoupling, and emphasizing the importance of imagination, collaboration, and acknowledging grief. The episode explores creating liminal space, the role of repair work, nervous system regulation, and establishing new agreements for a reimagined relationship. Hamilton highlights the empowering nature of redefining relationships and celebrates the process of evolving connections.
Jolie and Ken discuss navigating integrity in relationships, especially within non-monogamous contexts. They explore internal conflicts, the importance of self-agreements, and how over-functioning can hinder growth. The conversation emphasizes acknowledging when we are out of integrity and re-evaluating agreements to align with true desires, using nervous system regulation to manage shame.
