212 Repair Skills

Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom build their love. We're talking about non-monogamy, however you design it, as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You're in the right place. Okay, Ken, we are talking about a topic today that I have been asked probably three dozen times in the last two months alone. Repair. Relational repair.

What is it? How do we actually achieve it? And it is time for us to put this together because it's important for everyone in every single type of relationship style.

And beyond, let's be really clear, beyond our romantic intimate relationships. Oh yeah, totally. I mean, there are no relationships that don't encounter. Rupture. Rupture. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So you're going to want, if you want the relationship to continue, you want repair. Okay, so let's talk about what that means. Well, I want to contextualize it a little bit first and just say,

So we teach these skills, the skills of repair. We teach them in the year of opening. I teach them in my private work as well. I rely on them. We also rely on them in our personal relationship. I rely on them in all of my relationships. And I love to have partners who are also up to date. They understand these skills. We can, of course, everybody can tweak them and make them work for themselves. We're going to offer you some baseline techniques.

Those techniques themselves aren't going to be included in this episode. The techniques are going to be in a separate set of YouTube videos so that you can grab these techniques. and actually put them to use with your partners. One of the things that I've been finding is most important is, can everybody in a relational dynamic actually make sense of, what do you mean what tool you're using? What do you mean repair?

We're going to get into what repair is and it will become very apparent very quickly that we need actual tools and we need to have shared language around these tools in order for them to be easily implemented in our relationship. And that's the goal to actually implement them. So you're going to be able to find each of these tools that previously I have taught inside of my programs, but we are making them available to everyone. I encourage you them.

everyone to share them with your partners. Share this episode and then share the list, which will be linked in the show notes. The list will offer the actual tools. So if you get to the end of this, remember, that's just the beginning. The tools will be outlined.

individually in separate videos so that you can learn them, you can use them, you can come back and use them as references. That's, I see people in relationships all the time. running across the stuff that you run across nothing crazy and then it's like and the crazy stuff and the crazy stuff absolutely but um but even for the not crazy stuff they can just run into it like a dead end uh what now

Yeah. Yeah. So let's talk about that. So you asked what repair is. Mm-hmm. Well, repair is- Gotta define our terms. Yeah. Repair is the process of addressing and healing rupture. So what's rupture? Right. You said it could be small stuff, could be large stuff. It's true. Relationship rupture is just a word, a term we use to describe any time there's a breakdown or a disruption in the connection between individuals in a relationship. So rupture can happen between any...

dyad, a couple. Rupture can happen between parent and child. Rupture can happen in our friendships. Rupture can happen in our colleague relationships. Rupture happens in relationships. It often... We think about rupture most frequently in our core relationships. These are the ones where we find our secure, safe havens, right? So again, beyond just romantic, our closest friends fall into this category.

Being able to create security with someone actually relies on having the skills of identifying like rupture has happened and we're going to take action for repair. We're going to actually. thoroughly move through and address and heal this rupture so i like the the definition being um centering connection like being focused on connection because each relationship

has each diet, each combination of people has its own, you know, qualities of connection that are, that they're shooting for. Like every relationship has its own goals, its own wise. And so it doesn't, whatever your connection is. these repairs can be used for that. It doesn't have to be like a secure attachment relationship. It doesn't have to be a big relationship. It can be your boss. It can be your neighbor.

I have definitely done relationship repair with neighbors and with extended family as well. I, I also like to remember that rupture is while of course there are. big and small ruptures. The size of a rupture isn't really relevant to whether it needs repair, right? A rupture can start with a small misunderstanding. or a complete betrayal of trust. Either of those can qualify as a rupture. It's not about the severity of the event or putting it in some sort of hierarchy, but instead...

have we lost a sense of safety in this relationship? Have we lost a sense of connection, empathy? Have we lost our mutuality? If something has happened to get in the way of feeling positive mutual regard and genuine warmth for this person.

okay, then I know a rupture has happened. And so that means that we have the opportunity to do repair. And you and I have been there multiple times. Oh God, this week. Well, actually not this week. We've had a really- It's been a great week. Amazing week. But previous weeks, there have been so many. Almost every week we'll have some kind of rupture at some point. Although even just this morning, I had a migraine.

We were working together side by side on something. I had a migraine. And you said something that I think you meant to be loving. You said something about how I felt. I felt it as if you didn't understand me, as if you did not understand the level of pain that I was in and that I didn't know when it would end. And in that moment, I snapped and I was sharp with you.

In that moment, I had an opportunity and so did you. You had an opportunity to name like, ouch. You didn't actually. You just immediately course corrected and said, wait, I don't want to put words in your mouth. I don't know how you feel. But also. I was able to notice like, oh, I got sharp with you. That's from the pain, but also.

I'm still sorry. And we were able to move into a micro moment of repair, a very brief little apology and accountability ladder. That's one of the tools that we're going to talk about. Yeah, I mean, sometimes these are enormous things. Effective repair is critical for relationships that want to actually meet our security. attachment needs. Yes, because that little thing could have been, if there was no repair that went along with it today, then it'll sit there and probably grow. Right.

And if it's dealt with in the moment, if there's repair in the moment, then it doesn't get any bigger if the repair has been effective. Right. To look at repair as an opportunity is the core reframe here, right? Like a rupture is an opportunity to repair. The opportunity to repair is an opportunity to deepen my intimacy with the other. Effective repair actually makes us more resilient. It makes our relationship more resilient. It brings resilience to the nervous system, to the individual.

It fosters more emotional intimacy, a sense of psychological safety. It builds confidence that the relationship can actually handle. all the stuff that's going to come up, right? Like relationships are going to experience threats and challenges. And in my experience, it... As the more risk averse person in our relationship, it allows me to be more risk tolerant because I know if something goes wrong, there's a next step.

It's not at the end of the line. So I'm like, okay, I can try this. And if it doesn't work, then I'll repair and we'll continue. Right. So many people come to me and say, well, the issue we're really having is we need to rebuild trust.

Like there's been some kind of betrayal or hurt or something. We need to rebuild trust. And at core, what we're talking about here is we need to get serious about what repair actions need to happen. what activities need to happen. And a lot of times instead of actually doing things, people, um, myself included, I, Definitely you. You were the king of this when we were in early days. Oh, yeah. Rely on time. Time as the primary repair tool. Time itself is not a repair tool. No.

It's just not. Think about it this way. Like if you had a broken bone, yep, time will probably heal the bone. But if it was broken and needed to be reset into its... position and you don't reset it, well, that's how I wound up with this hand only being able to bend to, well, not 90 degrees. I can't do it because the bone didn't get reset.

And it healed. So it healed badly. That is a huge problem. Like in order to have that fixed now, I would have to have it broken again and then reset and healed. Doing intentional relationship repair, thoughtful action that's actually designed to repair. I can't overstate how important, how valuable this is.

Most people aren't introduced to the idea that this takes action. Instead, yeah, we just rely on time. Like if time passes, eventually we'll forgive each other. But it's just not. We need to actually get into the action. Repair means like understanding that a rupture has happened, that hurt has happened. And that means we got to be able to listen deeply, but even listening.

isn't enough. You know, we have a lot of listeners who have commented on one of our most popular episodes is the Imago dialogue episode. And that is one of the repair tools. But if we stop at the dialogue, and we've listened to each other's hurts, many people report just feeling like, it just feels like we just complained to each other. It doesn't actually feel like anything changed. Yeah. For me, that's not the end. When I teach Imago Dialogue, at the end, we need...

the actual, what's the next repair step? What needs to happen? Do we need an apology and accountability letter? Do we need new agreements? Do we need to do some clarifying of where we meet each other's needs and where we don't and how we need to support each other differently? So it is super important that we go beyond just time.

And listening and actually get into the actions of repair. Yes. And there's a, what you were just saying reminded me that the point is not to circle back to before the rupture happened.

Yeah, we're not trying to be... We're not trying to undo it, make it not have happened. What we're trying to do is come to a new understanding of connection, knowing that this happened. Right. And one of the reasons time doesn't work is because... simply having a new understanding of the relationship with the repair with the rupture in place

is going to be a lot different than the rupture and repair being in place. Totally. Yeah. And I appreciate you bringing that up because when I think about the felt sense, what it feels like in my body. to have just waited until the intensity of the feeling has subsided, I might talk myself into the idea that

everything's okay, or that we're back to where we were. But if rupture has happened, something has changed. I never want us to be living backwards. But also, we can't pretend like the hurt didn't happen. One of the ways I see people fall into the anti-repair trap is saying, well, I can't do anything about what happened in the past. We have to just move forward. That is not actually true. There's lots of stuff we can do.

about what has happened in the past. In fact, the word repair relies on that idea. If I were to, well, somebody once drove a car into our house. Our house was repaired. People came. They righted the building. They made it correct again. And the building will also never be exactly the same, but it's actually stronger than it was before.

That happened because some mistakes that were in the foundation originally were found during that time. And so those mistakes were redressed at the same time. That is one of the amazing gifts of acknowledging rupture. And really getting into, oh, sometimes the rupture happened because there were foundational issues going on. So not only do we get to address the hurt that happened, but now the rupture.

has exposed the opportunity to repair not just that one incident, but to repair the foundations underneath it. And sometimes those foundations aren't just the relationship itself. Sometimes these are our core emotional wounds. The individual people in the relationship can contribute their own little bits to. ruptures oh not just our own little bits i mean this is where we talk about getting into like this is how we reparent each other and not everybody loves that term i get it but we all exist

With our our whole selves in our relationships. So all of our child parts are in there, too And so when you for instance when you take the time to repair with me through really sitting and listening and then applying an apology and accountability ladder, really using our tools together, you don't just address the repair of. the rupture that just happened, you also address the fact that my father never said he was sorry to me.

That was not a word in his vocabulary until he was very old. And even then he could barely say it. And it was always a very surface level apology, which left me with a lot of wounding. It's not your responsibility to fix my father complex, but you absolutely contribute to my healing by participating as a man in relationship with me who is taking responsibility for.

actual harms. And that rewires my nervous system to have a different expectation and to believe that different things are possible. Right. The repair can address the specific rupture and also itself. be part of another layer of repair yes yeah and this is something i see some people be hesitant about they're like well i don't want to i don't want to

I don't want to do that. And it's true. You and I actually have an agreement that we are willing to co-parent each other's inner children. Not all of my partners want to do that. Not all relationships are for that. But. Even when that's not true, even when you're not in an agreement about it, we can still acknowledge that all humans are existing with their whole selves. And I can recognize that sometimes a hurt that has happened in the present.

is also triggering you to remember all of the hurts and how this reminds you of all of your stuff. And I don't have to be responsible for that to acknowledge this is bigger than just one thing. I mean, this isn't just about healing a particular relationship or getting through the moment. This is also about actually improving the experience of humanity. Right. It's not a small thing. No, it's huge.

And there are lots of ways to do it badly. There certainly are. We should probably talk about what's not repair. About what's not repair. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what's your favorite not repair move? What's your go-to? My favorite not repair is... Yeah, the thing you do when you're like, oh, I really wish I hadn't tried to repair that way because that is not repair.

What's your go-to? I mean, my favorite used to be the waiting. Oh, sure. Time. Time heals all wounds, which is, you know, absolutely wrong. But that was absolutely my go-to. before our relationship. Sure. And you wouldn't really let that stand because you're like, but... but rupture happened. And you would make me look right at it, at which point defensiveness and excuses. Oh my goodness, the excuses. Right. And defensiveness is so understandable, right?

When we're faced with the reality that a rupture has happened, right? Our, the soft parts of us, our child parts, our soft areas are instantly like, oh, careful. If I admit that I'm wrong. I might not be loved. And now we're actually, we're compounding rupture, right? So we're going to talk about a tool for dealing with defensiveness specifically because that's a rupture that can happen on top of a rupture really, really fast. Right. It can double down.

Right. Excuses, same kind of, yeah, where it does at least two things. One is it's trying to get out of it, which again is. just doubling down on the rupture because like i'm gonna i'm gonna say this isn't a rupture and here's why and then the other thing is if okay it is but i want you to understand me in this moment I want you to explain I want you to understand and explain to you how I got there. But now I'm centering myself when I'm not the one.

that a rupture happened to. So it's shifting the energy away. We shift that energy away. And again, we compound the injury. And now we have at least two things to deal with. Right. I see one of the common excuse modes that I see happen that like, they're not, they're not, not true, but we do tend to hurt people when we're tired or stressed. Or we misunderstand each other when we're tired and stressed. So we use that excuse, but the ouch still happens.

It is super important to be able to recognize defensiveness. We do have a specific tool for that. Dismantling defensiveness is a specific thing. So if this is ringing a bell for you, know that there's going to be something for you. My go-to. What's yours? Yeah. My go-to. Oh, come on. It's still, it was, is, and always has been over intellectualizing in every way, convincing my partner that.

Either they weren't really hurt or it wasn't really like that or somehow shifting the story, like recrafting the narrative. So that it wasn't exactly that. So when I am not strong and I don't take responsibility for the ruptures that I've participated in, that's my move. I tend to be told that it's a very masculine move on my part.

I will own that. I have a lot of strong double Leo. I will kick you in the ass. I'm an Enneagram eight. I'm like, I'm all fire. So yeah, I do. I tend to come across as not emotional fire, but. No, let me tell you exactly how it is. And I'll construct a story that is airtight, that proves to you that no, no, no, that didn't happen. And one version of that, which is. very much comes from a defensive place is, yeah, but I got hurt worse.

Yeah. Like, let me explain to you why mine is worse and we should be focusing on me. Yeah. This comparison is another defensive. It can be an intellectualizing, but it's very definitely a defensive move. Absolutely. I think, and similar to that is all the ways that we just say, we dismiss, we get dismissive and we say. Oh, it wasn't really that bad. This isn't that big a deal. It's not that important. I've heard so many people tell me over the years.

I'll teach them the apology and accountability ladder. And they're excited. They're like, okay, I have a tool for this. Okay. And we'll talk about when to use it. And they'll find themselves in a situation where a rupture has happened. They've experienced something that really lands.

is a rupture for them. And they go to their partner and they say, so, okay, so this happened. You acknowledge that this happened. I feel like I would feel better if, if you did an apology and accountability ladder and their partner says, oh, this isn't.

This doesn't deserve that. This doesn't warrant that. Yeah. Yep. No. Speaking of doubling down on a rupture. Yeah. No. And this is where we need to come back and remember, rupture is not about the size or the severity, and it definitely isn't about the size or severity as judged by the person who did the rupture versus the person who experienced it.

And this is really challenging for so many of the dyads that I've worked with where there's this, we polarize into this sense of, oh, you're too sensitive. or you're not sensitive enough. So we really need to remove the idea that there is some sort of objective threshold that a rupture needs to cross in order to be worthy of repair. Micro repair can happen.

Over tiny little things that like what we talked about at the open of this episode that was you couldn't have spoken more than Eight words the sentence you said it was so tiny the whole thing including repair took less than a minute. The rupture happened. I acknowledged it. You acknowledged, I acknowledged the rupture. You did a micro repair. I took a breath.

I acknowledged that I had made it even worse. I'd been sharp. I then did a micro repair for how I'd gotten sharp with you. And that whole thing was over in 60 seconds. Yeah. If, like you said, it could have blown up. It could have been really big. And the way it gets big is by one of us saying, oh, please. That's all it takes. That's all it takes. Caring about what hurts.

each other matters and it doesn't have so we could then we can get into differentiation at that point because what hurts you isn't the same as what hurts me yeah so if i'm looking at you i'm like that doesn't hurt what's the problem. It doesn't hurt me or might not if I'm even accurately representing what it would feel like in your position. But it doesn't even matter if I am, I'm not you.

Right, right. Which then brings us into whole issues of we are all facing different systemic conditions that impact. Oh, yeah. our ability to have bandwidth to receive rupture. So if you are marginalized in any way, your threat bucket is already fuller. And let's talk about your nervous system threshold. Some people are...

They're on high alert all the time because of how they grew up or because of how their nervous system is wired now for lots of different reasons. But there's another end of the spectrum of how...

we could qualify, like what is not repair that really needs addressing? And that's folks who are over-functioning and pretending not to have needs. Oh, sure. Yeah. Right. So it is not repair to just say, oh, it's fine. It's fine. Everything's fine. I didn't need that. I don't care. I don't have any needs. To just to minimize your needs to the point where everything just sort of disappears into a pile of mush that is. whatever your partner wants in a moment. That is not repair. Or deciding to...

skip over the rupture by just saying, oh, nevermind, whatever it was. If say you asked for something that then caused a big conversation, maybe the conversation got to rupture. And then at the end of it, you're just like, fine. Nevermind, I didn't actually want or need any of that rather than digging into, oh, probably there were layers of repair that needed to happen in there. We just pretend. And when I say pretend, I mean convince ourselves that we do not have needs. Yeah.

And so that's the thing that the goal of repair being to repair connection that I, if I do that. then I will no longer be able to connect the part of me that I just denied the needs of to you. Yeah. Which means I can't fully repair the connection. And I never actually get to know. And you never get to know. Another thing that can happen is some of us just want distraction, right? Like, okay, I know rupture has happened. I know it's happened. Let's use misdirection. Let's give a gift.

Do a favor, initiate sex, whatever it takes to distract, right? This is in lieu of repair. Sometimes sex will happen after repair. Sometimes. gift-giving or favors, like some generative action will happen after repair, but this is very distinct from So look away from that and let's just do this. And it's not just look away either. It's gift giving. It's favors. It's these things designed to make the other person feel the way they might if a repair had happened.

Yeah. Oh, I feel better. I feel closer to you. I feel grateful, like hoping for gratitude to sort of close the gap. And maybe it will in the short term, but the rupture is still there.

Right. And over the long term, definitely creates a lack of intimacy. And I think the last thing on my list of this is performative apologies, right? Like sometimes we know a rupture is there. And so we do the thing, we say sorry, but we don't mean it either because we're not ready to, we're not prepared or because we don't actually know how to do like, by the way.

Most of us don't know how to do a really good and complete apology. It's taken me years to learn. It seems like something I should have known in kindergarten, but. But as an adult, with all my defenses in place and all my socialization and my entitlement, it took a long time to really understand how to apologize. And take accountability. And take accountability.

And so a performative apology. Which means that early on it was easy to just perform it. Okay, I know how to make an apology. I'm sorry. Right. Okay. There's nothing behind that at all. Nothing to actually reconnect. Yeah. The words I'm sorry are necessary but insufficient to an actual. proficient apology and performing apology, especially before things are understood, it doesn't. And, or if there's no accountability, if there's no change of behavior and this just keeps happening, that.

obviously doesn't work and that also includes then relying on the old standby um ask forgiveness not permission now i'm not a fan of having to ask my partner's permission for anything but The idea that I should negotiate for what I want in my relationships. And sometimes we try to get around repair by just expecting that our partners will forgive us. But expecting or forcing forgiveness is not repair. No. I have one last one, which is scorekeeping slash quid pro quo.

Like I will admit I'm wrong if you admit you were wrong or I will perform repair if you perform repair as well. And. While there even may be a need for repair from both directions, in a given moment, the focus should be on just one. Yeah. Well, and it's about taking responsibility for what's yours. That's right. Like stay in your lane. We do lots of repair that happens.

in sequence because both of us realize, oh, we're both contributing to this situation, but I can't take responsibility for your repair work to do. I can participate with you. But yeah, if we're only willing to repair if our partner admits that they were wrong as well, it also opens us up to potentially... coercing, being in a continually coercive relationship. It's not forced forgiveness, it's forced repair. And that is probably not going to actually repair anything.

It's definitely not. It's not. It's not. So that's a long list of what repair isn't, but a really necessary list because, and I'm going to cycle back to Ken, were you taught how to repair relationships? No. No. But like when you were born, it was expected that you would relate to people, right? Yes, it was. That's a weird thing about modern Western socialized culture.

weird. Here are your instructions. Relate to people and maintain the relationships. Well, that sounds pretty good. I like to relate to people. How? Oh, they're gone. I'm sorry. I guess I'm on my own. Well. And when I say, were you taught? I mean, I started teaching my kids how to apologize when they were very, very, very little. That's awesome. But that was because I literally read in a book that I should do that.

I read because I didn't understand. I wasn't taught. So I read and I took very seriously, like I have to do this differently. So I started teaching them the skills of repair. And I realized very quickly I had to learn them myself because I didn't know anything. And it was exhausting and excruciating. And I don't blame my parents for this.

They didn't know because they weren't taught. If you were lucky enough to be raised in a house where you learned this, giving grace to people because they don't know it. is important and also not always expected being expected to be the person who does all the repair is important because now I have to watch in my relationships that I don't get put into a position where

I am the only one who's repairing because I have all of these emotional skills. And that's why this episode and the skill videos that come with it exist. I want you to put them in the hands of the people you care about in their lives. so that you aren't doing this all from your side. We cannot do all the repair from one side of a relationship. And if we attempted to, we are going to stay locked in a parentified relationship. And that is not sexy.

It is not. So let's talk about what repair does look like, what it actually is, what quality repair is. Should we define again? We absolutely should. We're going to repair. Okay. I think repair is specific actions and words used to address relationship ruptures. Specific actions and words. Notice I am not saying that they are general, but the tools you can apply, the tools, you can learn the tools and apply them across many, many situations.

but you're still going to take specific actions and not every tool will be used in the same situation. So I want you to have a toolkit of repair skills. Attitude matters a lot in repair. It does. And I want to say that, um, as someone with some autistic tendencies, this has sometimes tripped me up like my, and it isn't necessary. And this is important.

My internal attitude wasn't always reflected by my external attitude. And sometimes my external attitude was a more accurate representation of what I was feeling, because as you said earlier, you. You need to be in a place to actually repair. Yeah. And I wouldn't, and I would try anyway. I would try to force myself. But my point in bringing all this up is. It has been very useful to me to be reminded to look in the mirror before.

I approach the repair like and you mean both figuratively and literally both figuratively and literally like literally what's my face look like right now Just in case i'm not that good at feeling it. Am I ready? Am I ready? Do I look like someone? Who is ready to repair? Do I look angry? Do I look frightened? Or do I look open and genuine and available? Same thing with my voice. Do I sound like, I'm sorry.

Or is it just an I'm sorry? Yeah. So attitude is, it's important to know for yourself as you walk into performing a repair that. You're there and ready to actually do it. Because if you're not, you can do more damage. You can create a bigger rupture. Right. So we're not shooting for perfection here. But it does matter. If you're not ready.

to offer repair authentically and take responsibility for what is yours without over-functioning and trying to take responsibility for what belongs to the other, right? Just owning what is yours, then. You might need to do some intermediary steps that might look like journaling. That might look like talking to your therapist. That might look like turning to a trusted friend. If, if.

they are a person who can actually hold a neutral stance, right? So this is where we get into, when we're talking about say a non-monogamous relationship, sometimes people will fall into the trap of turning to one partner to talk through their hurts with another. And that puts incredible pressure on a particular constellation. So remembering to search for that, that as we're trying to figure out whether we're ready.

Make sure you're being thoughtful about where you are turning for counsel in the meantime. But it's also important when we talk about repair, these specific actions and words. So not just time, not just waiting. And not just hoping, but the actions and words you choose need to actually be relevant to the specific rupture. Yeah. They're not general. One of the ways they need to be specific. Yep. Right. What happened this time?

For instance, one of the reasons gift giving generally isn't repair is because bringing me flowers when what happened was you didn't. take care of something, a deadline that needed to be met. And now I have extra work to do. And now you hand me flowers and I'm like, now I need to find a vase like this. No, no, these words and actions are not relevant to this rupture.

So figuring out what is relevant is important. Other absurd examples. I'm sorry, I didn't manage our money right. And, you know, we're having trouble meeting the bills. So I bought you this necklace. Yeah, don't do that. Yeah, so it has to be specific. It has to be responsive to a specific rupture. And this brings us to the reality that...

Sometimes more than one person is responsible in a situation. Sometimes like our rupture is mutual, but I can always take responsibility for what is mine. And sometimes realistically. One person is more responsible for a rupture than another. Often these are asymmetric situations. A hurt happened. Allowing things to be my fault, allowing things to be my responsibility as part of being a grown-up.

taking that the weight of like those were my words those were my actions this was mine to deal with that is To me, that's the hallmark also of someone who's ready to be in a mature, individuation-oriented relationship. And when we're not, okay, there's still some growing up to do. And don't we all have some growing up to do? But yeah, the comparison of the amount of responsibility is actually irrelevant to how I take responsibility for mine. Yeah.

How you take responsibility for yours is irrelevant to how I take responsibility for mine. So who is more responsible doesn't really matter at that point. And we can talk about like, sometimes you'll find over the course of time. that one person seems to be responsible for an awful lot of rupture in a specific way. And that may even lead you to realize like, oh, we're not compatible.

Because whatever it is that's creating this continual pattern of rupture, yeah, it just doesn't work. Yeah, it's true.

It's still my job to stay in my lane, stay on my side of the street. And that brings us to excuses just play no helpful role. Excuses, there's nothing good there. Excuses are knee-jerk. They are designed to get me off the hook. See the previous list of what is not repair. Right. But that said, explanation can be helpful. And here's the key. This is so important. It has to happen. It has to happen at the right time. Yep. Explanation offered too early.

lands like an excuse. It just does, right? So when we rush to explain, that's actually a defensive condition. That's me. I desperately need to believe that if you hear my side of the story, I will still be loved. I need to have control of this story. I need for my narrative to matter. Yeah. On the other hand,

After we've taken some steps for repair, after we've started to find mutuality again, explanation can actually help me understand you better. And now I can understand, oh, this is how we got there. oh, this is what's going on for you. And now I actually get more intimacy building with my partner. But timing matters so much. Yeah, because the repair is, if there's been a rupture and I have...

Repair to offer you and I also have an explanation that I really want you to know That waits for after the repair is complete Yeah, save it because otherwise i'm just centering myself and this is what I This is how I helped stop myself from requiring myself to give explanations in these moments is, wait, this is all about me trying to get something from you, your understanding.

I want to know you understand. But the point at this point is to repair my connection with you, to repair the ways that I have blocked you from connecting with me. So the explanation is important, but can come later. Yeah. And later, let me be clear. Later can often be at the end of a simple repair tool being used. So we're going to offer some tools like. the apology and accountability ladder or the Imago dialogue or mirroring language. And at the end of that, you could ask your partner.

Do we feel good now? Does this feel like we're in mutuality? Would it be okay? for me to explain to you how that felt for me what went down and actually it's built into some of the processes to get to that explanation but getting consent to do explanation

really, really helps. It helps under all circumstances I have found, whether you're in the middle of a repair or not. It's like, hey, can I, are you open to me explaining this thing to you? No, not right now. I'm not interested in the details. I'm just trying to do a thing. Yeah. Right. But maybe later. And just asking for consent really does, it does also recenter that, wait, we just did repair. Yeah.

And now, if I'm going to shift the focus to that explanation because I want to be seen, this is about me building intimacy with you. And to do it tenderly. Do this carefully because it's really easy to fall from explanation.

Back to excuse. Yes, it is. And that often comes from a really childlike part of us that is scared that we will be abandoned. Of course. Yeah. I mean, I... I have become more and more aware of the features of that part of me. Yeah. It's like, no, I'm afraid I will be abandoned. Well, actually the actions that I'm taking don't.

Like an excuse isn't going to make me less likely to be abandoned. It doesn't work that way. No, it doesn't. Since you brought up the concept of consent, repair needs to be consensual too. Oh, just because I'm ready to offer repair doesn't mean they're ready to accept. And it's important to say, are you open to repair?

Right. Before you just jump into whatever it is. Right. So, and I hear I like to differentiate between micro repairs. Like in the moment I caught myself, I caught myself being defensive or I caught myself being sharp and I course corrected. right? Those micro repairs are important. Or I caught myself and I asked for a pause. Hang on just a second. I'm feeling something. I just need to work through this wave of emotion. Hang on.

That's different. But from these repairs that we're going to talk about that take time, that take dedication and your partner's presence to actually be in a process with you. Yeah, we need to, we need to actually ask because they may still be deep in the rupture and feeling their way through it. And especially if you've been working to be authentic with each other, if you've been working for instance, on figuring out.

Where is my full-bodied yes? Where is my no? Where are my edges? What are my needs? What are my limits? What are my bottom line requirements? If I'm working on that. I might not be ready for your repair because the rupture was actually really important information for me to have the rupture as much as nobody wants ruptures to happen. When they do, all of a sudden I learn what doesn't work for me. And now I need to do some.

information gathering. That, again, might look like journaling. It might look like going to my therapist. It might look like talking with my personal growth group. It might look like turning to, again, a trusted but neutral friend, somebody who's able to really hold space. for me. In that time, if your partner's sitting there like, oh my God, I got to do the repair, it can feel a little pressure-y.

remembering that like sometimes it can be enough to have the placeholder. Um, you and I will sometimes put a repair conversation. on the calendar like hey we know this needs to be dealt with can we do it on saturday after we've each had time to feel through it sometimes it's even enough for it to just be a few hours but sometimes we need time and I've offered repair. I offered repair to an ex-partner who it took three and a half years before I got a yes. That was a long time to wait.

to do repair, to do the basic repair that I really wanted to do. I wanted to do an apology and accountability letter. I wanted to own my side of the street. It took three letters, spread over three and a half years, and I finally got. a yes and was able to do that repair process and get to a place where at least we could be in acknowledgement of each other and share space. And yeah, she didn't owe me that.

She didn't owe me her readiness for repair, even though in my estimation, we had co-created a situation of harm. It doesn't matter. We still, she didn't owe it to me. Yeah. The concept of fair kind of goes out the window at this point because it, I, like I might have this sense that, okay, rupture happened. I caused a rupture. I know we both want to get to back to connection. We both want to repair, but, and it might feel like, well, well then we should, let's do it.

If this isn't the time, if the repair won't actually land and repair the connection, it's not just not going to work. It's going to cause more problems. Yeah. So like, oh no, come on. I know you want this. Let's. You got to have the consent. It's got to be time for both, by the way. I mean, we talked about this before. And also offering. I need to be actually ready to repair, not just trying to reconnect.

Because those are not necessarily the same thing. So I'm going to use that example again. When I did that repair process, I did not receive repair for what I felt was the harm I received. It is now 11 years later. I don't know that I ever will. And that's, it's really none of my business. I don't, I don't get to know that. Yeah, that's just how it is. I don't get to press for that because, yeah, that's just not how consensual relationship goes.

Then on the flip of that, repair can be collaboration, right? Sometimes people will get a little pedantic about it and say like, well, since I can't like… my partner can't repair their own wound. I like, I need to repair. Yeah. But you might, they may want to participate in the, the repair process because

You don't yet know exactly what they need. Right. So asking some questions, making some offers of this is what I've thought of. Is there something else? Right. I've thought I have this to offer. Is there something else that might. Be more reparative. Is there something that you have been craving, something that feels like it would land for you? That collaboration is yummy, but you never know whether you're going to get it. You don't know if you're going to get it, but, but.

It's a very important point because oftentimes I have caused a rupture because of my misunderstanding of my partner. Which means when I go to come up with a repair, if I don't at least try for collaboration, I might not actually repair. And this is where the tool of the Imago dialogue is so fantastic. That episode exists. That is a separate episode. Plus we have multiple playlists of Ken and I.

demonstrating Imago Dialogues. We are in the process of creating some more materials on this. The Imago Dialogue process is fantastic. You can also read about it. This is not our process. It's something that we teach in our work. Harville and Hendricks and their work, which is absolutely outstanding. So good. So that their work is linked here in the show notes and you'll see it in all of the materials. If you go seek out episode 129, you'll hear all about that. But to get to understanding.

that process is super helpful. But there are some really important other things we shouldn't leave without saying. One is about forgiveness. When you and I were first... Well, honestly, when we were just friends before we were romantically involved, this was an issue for us. This was an issue for us even because we were raising our children and we were homeschooling them together even before we were together.

I did not believe in forcing forgiveness. And in your family, you had been raised to believe that you could say, so will you forgive me? And the expectation was. Yes. Like you were supposed to say, yes, that's the nice thing. You're supposed to be in that dance. But yeah, we can't press for, force, or coerce forgiveness. For any of us who were raised in such a way that we wound up with a strong fawn response, fawn, F-A-W-M.

So a people-pleasing response. In other words, when someone does something nice for you, you would feel an automatic. So if someone just did an apology, even badly. Wait, like I owe them my forgiveness. If you were taught that you owe someone forgiveness, you may never have authentic forgiveness to provide. Right. And if you were raised to-

not to never back down. You may not realize that forgiveness is there within you, but it comes in its own time. And so you and I have done a lot of work around allowing forgiveness to arise in in the fashion that it does, in an organic fashion. And that means removing the necessity. And also, I mean, we'll get into this, you know, the apology and accountability letters, but it's a hill I'll die on.

Don't even ask for forgiveness. When forgiveness is there, it will be offered. Don't ask for it. Let it arise. You can do all the other steps. We'll get into it more deeply, but performative forgiveness just covers up. an actually unhealed hurt. Think about when you get scar tissue over an unhealed wound. That is nasty. That's bad stuff. And later will have to be cut open and redressed. Yeah.

performative forgiveness is a it's a hell no for me and it it covers over a wound and it also makes the so if i ask for forgiveness and you're like fine i'm just going to pretend to forgive you I lose the opportunity to understand what's actually going on with for you. So again, the goal of this is connection. That's not connection. That's actually disconnection. Yeah.

So I think the last part of this episode, it is yours, babe. This came out of a comment you made. During our last retreat in Nicaragua, we were leading a group of people through a lot of new relational practices and a really transformative week. And you said something that was built on.

Well, honestly, the relationship that you and I have had, right? It was built on that. But you said it. It's so succinct. It's so important. Would you please say it again? Patterns of rupture require patterns of repair. Patterns of rupture. Patterns of rupture that happen like when you time and time again. Time and time again, the same issue over and over.

Well, one repair isn't going to fix all that. And even if it fixed some of the hurt, the actual hurt, it's still not going to create repair. Repair implies. Also, that there is an ability to change, that this will not keep happening. Yes. So when you said that. So succinctly patterns of rupture require patterns of repair. What I felt like go through, I felt this shiver through my body of recognition of how you and I managed to turn an abusive relationship into.

just, I so deeply love and respect you and I fall more in love with you over time. And that blows my mind because we shouldn't have. made it. By all accounts, we shouldn't have made it. Not just because life is hard and we started off in a triad and non-monogamy is complicated. Not just that. No. Because

The way we started was massive power differentials. There was financial abuse happening. There was coercion around starting businesses. There was coercion around the sale and purchase of my home. It was a lot of stuff. And then there was the emotional. The emotional harm. Blusterfuck. Oh, yeah. Right? Which I do not want you to own all by yourself. I was part and parcel of all of that. But.

But that happened over the course of a solid, a good solid four years. Yeah. At which point you began the dubious task of, okay, I'm going to get in here and start. figuring out how to do this well and we entered into a period of four years of you making clear reparation like like reparation as in you were making relevant

repair moves consistently that allowed me to understand you were changing yourself in order to no longer be a person who was going to hurt me in these ways. You are still a human. You still hurt me sometimes. I am a human. I hurt you. I hurt you back then too. But those patterns, those huge things that had happened and it happened over and over again, you showed me through patterns of repair.

Not just changed behavior, but yes, changed behavior, but also a willingness to quite literally repair the harm done. One of the cases was that our financial situation had been abusive. And so you invested financially in my education.

Which also leads us here. It's why we're all sitting here. Lots and lots of graduate school. But that was a literally relevant repair to make that allowed me to feel... clear of that of the wounding because we did the emotional repair alongside it and you showed me that you understood what had quite literally cost me you also did this by by acknowledging

The lack of fairness in the parenting and household labor that had been happening for years and years and years. And you made a shift about five years ago to really take the lead. In our household and in parenting. Right. And both of those shifts required consistent behavior on my part to make happen. Yeah. And that consistent behavior. Okay. math nerds out there, if you have a pattern, if you have a graph that slopes very clearly in one direction, you can't change it with one point.

Even I can see that. I am not a master. You have to add enough more points that point in the right direction for the overall thing to change. And so that's what it was. It was month by month. behaviors that were in opposition to how I had acted, that were in support of how I said I would act. Just saying I would change was not the repair. admitting that the change needed to happen wasn't the repair, although it's a step in the right direction. But as you started off saying, specific actions.

And yeah, it's not just the apology. My intentions weren't going to change the pattern, the actions change the pattern that you perceive. And then you, yeah. And then you continued it and you, and here's the thing that. blew me away then and continues to is you did not ever act like you were owed a medal for having repaired something that you...

originally harmed. And that is where a lot of us lose it is like, give me credit. Give me credit for repairing the thing. Wait, you fixed the thing you broke. We don't get a medal for that. I want to own fully. So that sounds very slanted toward you being the harmer here and me not. We had major power differentials that made it so that it was really hard for me to cause the same kind of systemic.

abuse to you. It's not that I've never caused harm. I have. And it is not that I have not done significant repair. I have. I continue to. I'm a simpler example. That's all. Yeah. And it's not like I've never harmed other people in my life. I have an ex-husband out there. I'm quite certain, he would say, that the harm that happened would require patterns of repair.

sometimes we never get a chance to do that. And that, that sucks in its own way, right? It just does. And sometimes we never get to redress the things we wish we did. And that. That's the stuff that haunts me. And also I work on not getting caught up in the idea that I am an irretrievably bad person who can't have healthy relationships now because sometimes.

A person decides they don't want to relate to us anymore and we can't do repair with them. But deciding to make the next relationship better is 100%. the right decision anyways. Don't double down on the idea that you are identified with the worst behavior you have ever participated in. And you can blow me away with that. I know people in your life have taken a very hard line about the idea that you've been difficult to live with and kind of, kind of a hard ass about, yeah, doing things like.

like relational repair and building relationship. And you are, you've just grown and changed so much over the last 16 years and grown and changed so much over all 48 and a half years that I have known you. And I'm so grateful that I get to relate to you in this continually changing experience. Well, thank you. And I will say that your influence has had a lot to do with my ability.

to make these changes because the way you systematize and the way you frame the issues that we're talking about right now, for example, in this episode, yeah, I can work with that. I can make the changes because. you've taught me to look straight at the issues and take practical action about them. And I've been able to change so much because of that.

It matters to me that like I had to learn all of these things too. And I learned them by being in. I learned them by raising my children and going and searching out help. I learned them by being in therapy. I learned them then. by going to graduate school for 13 years for different psychological studies.

this was really hard. I want to make this easy for people. I don't want you to have to go back to school for 13 years. So we have a repair mini series for you. The mini series is now take, so you take this, we just provided you the, the rational. for why this matters. So now what I want you all to do is to go into the link

The first link right here to our producer, put this, this is the first link that goes in the notes. I want everybody to head over and listen to the repair miniseries. These are short. clips designed to help you learn a particular skill now.

A couple of them are longer than others. Like the Imago dialogue is long. That is a full episode. We couldn't possibly make it shorter. Honestly, it's hard to learn the Imago dialogue in less than a few weeks. We have tried to make it as succinct and easy as possible. but that one does take more time. But let me just run through some of what you're going to be learning. First, of course, we've said it a million times, the apology and accountability ladder.

Everybody needs this. You deserve to have it right there on your phone. Yeah, sure, you can try to memorize it, but honestly, just use it. Ken and I both keep it handy on our phone. I have sent it to countless people in my life. Learn the steps. Learn how to use it. The dismantling defensiveness script. There's a very clear, easy to use tool to work with our defensiveness to actually deepen our connection with the other. Learn the script.

learning how to use a soft safe word. A soft safe word is a little bit different from your kinky safe words. I'm going to learn how to use those. Two pauses. Two pauses are about creating micro moments for repair and for regulation together. We'll talk about co-regulation options. Co-regulation is a method of repair. Sometimes it will fit alongside another method of repair. Then we have...

We'll dig a little bit deeper into the idea of creating authentic reparations to rebalance specific harms, creating pre-care and aftercare plans. Pre-care and aftercare plans. are harm reduction and they can be reparative because when we've created tension and harm in our relationships, especially around transitions. Oh, my gosh. Like knowing how to do our care planning really, really makes a huge difference. Understanding how to provide reassurance. Well-provided reassurance is reparative.

And then we have mirroring language. Mirroring language is sort of a mini version of the Imago dialogue. It works for some people. Some people kind of hate it, but... Some people love it. I happen to be a person who loves it. It really helps me feel understood. Then we have the Abago Dialogue. It's a big one. And then some simpler ones, Gratitude.

Bringing gratitude in as a repair skill. Oh my gosh. You can put it everywhere. Everyone can benefit from it. Um, do-overs, the ability to insert do-overs and learn how to repair through do-overs. amazing. And the last one I call just pouring love all over each other. It's not super instructional, honestly. I think you can get it from what I just said. but creating the opportunity for repair by genuinely, actively, proactively using the actions and words and rituals of love toward the other.

So that is 13. There may be more by the time you get to the repair series. There might be less the day that you sign in to look at this. I anticipate that this list is going to shift over the years as my teaching grows and deepens. These tools, I use them in my personal life. I use them in all of my relationships. I use them in my parenting of my adult children. I used them in parenting my children when they were children. I tried desperately to use them.

with my parents while they were alive. And it even worked sometimes. Sometimes. I use them in my hookups. I use them in my long-term relationships. And I use all of these. In my client situations, I use them in all of my teaching. And now I really want all of you to learn how to use them and use them.

All the time you like sprinkle them all over the everywhere share these videos With the people you love share these videos with the people you can barely stand to I want these videos and and these audios to be in your hands so that you know what to do next. Because rupture is inevitable, but repair is your decision.

There's no one right way to design your relationship. And lots of people, actually about 25%, according to a recent national survey, are interested in some type of open relationship. But how do you know if you are ready to open up happily? Not everyone is, and that's no problem. I've got a 60 second quiz that will give you the answer.

And even better, you'll walk away with your next step, whether you're good to go or not so much when it comes to opening up. And this is no BuzzFeed nonsense. I personally designed this quiz from my years of academic research. Go to JolieQuiz.com. That's J-O-L-I-Q-U-I-Z.com. And find out if you're ready to open up happily. and what to do if you are or if you're not.