Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love.
We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity.
Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.
Don't just listen to podcasts. Learn from them with transcripts, summaries, and chapters for every episode. Skim, search, and bookmark insights. Learn more
Chances are, if you know one thing about conscious relating, it’s that communication is key . And if you’re good at communicating in monogamous relationships, you might think that those skills will easily transfer to polyamory. But even when you’re doing non-monogamy, there’s often a set of invisible monogamous scripts making things a lot harder without you even realizing it. This isn’t easy to spot, let alone navigate. When we leave monogamy, we leave behind all those default cultural scripts t...
The phrase "we opened up too fast" comes up a lot in the conversations we have with people who are transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy. But what does "too fast" even mean? And more importantly—too fast for whom? Here's the thing: once you've crossed certain thresholds in opening up, there's no going back to a state of unknowing. You can't unsee what you've seen or unknow what you've learned about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. This can feel scary, but it's also where some...
This episode explores the unglamorous yet essential practice of relationship check-ins, differentiating them from crisis management by advocating for consistent "relationship hygiene." It highlights the importance of customizing check-ins to specific relationship phases and needs, addressing challenges like equitable administration and varied communication styles. Ultimately, effective check-ins are presented not as mere maintenance, but as integral to deepening intimacy, promoting growth, and helping partners feel seen and pursued.
You decided to practice conscious non-monogamous relating, so you made well-thought-out, enthusiastic relationship agreements that reflect your values. And THEN, your partner actually goes on that date. Panic sets in, and those agreements are no match for what feels like a threat to your very survival . We call this attachment panic , and it’s what happens when jealousy activates our pre-verbal, survival-level attachment system. It’s not just an uncomfortable experience–when unchecked, these fee...
Ever wonder why you and your partner keep having the same frustrating conversations about decisions, even after you've gone through the agreement-making process? Us too! We've discovered that the real issue often isn't what you're deciding, it's that you've never actually talked about how you make decisions together. When we're crafting relationship agreements, most of us jump straight into the content—what's allowed, what's not, schedules, boundaries—without ever discussing the decision-making ...
Betrayal in non-monogamy can feel uniquely isolating. When you've already moved away from the traditional guardrails of monogamy—where exclusivity = safety and infidelity is the clear line of betrayal—what happens when trust is shattered? How do you even know what counts as betrayal when you don't have those conventional frameworks to lean on? This episode picks up where our (amazing!) conversation with Eve Rickert left off. We're moving beyond understanding betrayal to exploring what comes next...
Betrayal isn’t a fun topic for anyone. But when it comes to non-monogamy, betrayal can actually be really hard to identify , because we often don’t have clear cultural scripts and shared assumptions about what’s okay and what’s not. This can open us up to profound experiences of betrayal that make you question not just your partner, but yourself and reality . Eve Rickert (co-author of the second edition of More Than Two and publisher at Thornapple Press) joins us for a MUCH-needed conversation a...
Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest opportunity for growth. In this episode, we’re exploring the Jungian concept of "the tension of opposites" and how it applies to non-monogamy. Rather than seeing these inner conflicts as problems to solve...
Dr. Joli Hamilton and Dr. Marie Thouin delve into the often-shamed erotic side of jealousy, discussing Joli's personal journey in non-monogamy and how she transformed challenging emotions into a source of power and pleasure. They explore the ethics of fantasizing about real people, the role of humiliation kink, and using Jungian alchemy and memory reconsolidation to alchemize jealousy into compersion within safe, trusting relationships. This reverse-interview offers candid insights into reclaiming agency and fostering growth through challenging erotic experiences.
Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't just kept from partners, but from oneself? This episode dives deep into the challenging work of moving from fragmented realities to integrated selfhood. Many of us have experienced moments where something...
The word projection gets thrown around a lot these days, often in an accusatory way (think, “so-and-so is projecting!”). But projection is actually a normal, unconscious psychological process that shows up in all relationships! That doesn’t mean we should let our projections go unchecked. They can interfere with our ability to truly see our partners as whole, autonomous beings. The good news is that when we become aware of our projections, we have a powerful opportunity to uncover and reclaim th...
Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process? Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can expand when we do. In this episod...
A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on taking responsibility and changing what we can change in our lives. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. Those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner, a recurring issue at work, a really challenging family dynamic… where we feel like we have no control . All those tools and practices go out the window and it feels like the situation is just happening a...
Mel Cassidy discusses their book "Radical Relating," challenging the foundations of mono-normativity and how white supremacy, colonization, and Christianity have shaped our understanding of relationships. The conversation moves beyond sex, focusing on resource sharing, conflict resolution, and community building. They advocate for de-centering sex and provide practical advice for navigating conflict by understanding nervous system responses, applicable to all relationship structures.
Long-distance relationships can be tiring, but this episode offers strategies to transform them from endless work into thriving connections. It emphasizes defining and revisiting your relationship's purpose, creating intentional rituals that provide meaning, and actively refreshing connection to avoid stagnation. By acknowledging the unique grief of distance and seeking 'golden shadows,' partners can inject imagination and joy, leveraging the distinct opportunities LDRs present.
We live in a culture where monogamy isn't just presented as one way to have relationships—it's positioned as the only natural, healthy, and moral way to relate. This assumption runs so deep that most of us never even question it. But what happens when we start examining these unspoken rules that shape our relationships? Mono-normativity affects all of us, whether we're monogamous or not. Bringing these unconscious assumptions into the light can create more authentic, intentional relationships. B...
Relationship experts Joli and Ken share their raw experience of an 18-month sexual drought, despite their professional knowledge. They delve into what 'magnificent sex' truly means beyond technique, discussing key elements like presence, vulnerability, and exploration. The episode offers practical interventions like using index cards for communication, reconnecting with individual erotic truths, and emphasizing the vital role of aftercare and accommodations to sustain a vibrant sexual connection.
Discovering your polyamorous identity while in a long-term monogamous relationship can feel both liberating and terrifying. It's a moment of personal truth that can shake the foundations of your partnership—and that's exactly why it deserves careful, thoughtful consideration. When you realize something fundamental about yourself has shifted (or perhaps was always there but unnamed), it's natural to want to share this with your partner. But how do you navigate this conversation without causing un...
Discover why figuring out what you want is surprisingly difficult, stemming from childhood experiences, societal "shoulds," and the complex nature of desire itself. Joli and Ken share practical techniques, including using disappointment, imagination, and even justice jealousy as powerful indicators of your true desires. Learn how to distinguish genuine wants from assumptions and external pressures, and explore strategies to engage playfully with longing to create a life that authentically reflects your deepest aspirations.
Many navigating non-monogamy find it an emotional workout, questioning if it ever gets easier. This episode makes a case for 'boring polyamory,' differentiating between 'easy' and 'easeful' relationships. It debunks the myth that monogamy is inherently easier, highlights how we often mistake intensity for intimacy, and explains how staying in drama can unconsciously validate non-monogamy. Practical insights are offered for cultivating sustainable, grounded relationships through nervous system awareness, explicit agreements, and consistent communication, encouraging listeners to envision a calm, fulfilling polyamorous life.
Feeling exhausted by non-monogamy? You're not alone! Even when we know why we chose this path, the day-to-day reality can sometimes feel overwhelming. But before you throw in the towel, let's explore what's really happening when non-monogamy feels like "too much" – and what you can do about it. Whether you're new to non-monogamy or have been practicing for years, we all hit points where we question if the effort is worth it. The good news? There are concrete strategies you can use to build resil...
Holidays can be a joy-filled time, but they can also become incredibly complicated when you're navigating non-monogamous relationships. How do you balance time between partners, metamours, family members who might not know about your relationship structure, and children who just want to have fun? The stress can quickly overshadow the joy you're hoping to experience. We've been there! That first holiday season after opening up can feel overwhelming as you try to figure out how to integrate new re...
Many people wonder if their trauma history means they can't successfully navigate the complex emotional terrain that comes with open relationships. When we step away from default monogamy into consciously chosen relationship structures, our nervous systems can get activated. This may be especially challenging for trauma survivors, whose systems are often already primed for hypervigilance. The truth? It's absolutely possible, but it requires intentionality, support, patience, and self-compassion....
Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't just kept from partners, but from oneself? This episode dives deep into the challenging work of moving from fragmented realities to integrated selfhood. Many of us have experienced moments where something...
Ever feel like your journey into non-monogamy is all about hard work? You're not alone. Many people reach a point where they wonder if all the emotional regulation, self-reflection, and relationship meetings are worth it. This feeling is incredibly common, whether you initiated opening your relationship or not. We've both been there. The reality is that unpacking our assumptions about relationships takes significant emotional energy, especially when regular life continues demanding our attention...
We all carry shame—it's part of the human experience. But what if there was a way to transform that shame into something more nurturing and supportive? In this episode, we welcome back Jessica Fern and David Cooley to discuss their groundbreaking new book, Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love with Parts Work . Jessica describes this as her most important book yet! This isn't just another relationship book—it's a practical guide to understanding and transforming the internal patter...
We all experience transitions in our relationships. And, they can actually be even more frequent in non-monogamous relationships, like when our attention shifts from one partner to another, when we leave for a date, or when we return home. These seemingly small shifts in energy and attention can create surprising friction, even in the healthiest dynamics. A ton of us could use extra support around these issues. In fact, transition management is the topic that results in the most emergency sessio...
Navigating polycule gatherings in shared spaces requires intentional preparation and a mindset of experimentation. This episode discusses the challenges of the absence of cultural scripts, from introductions and public affection to managing different levels of relationship visibility. It highlights the importance of pre-event conversations about fears and hopes, developing personal "self-rescue plans," and separating debriefing from aftercare to process experiences effectively, ultimately fostering resilience and community support.
Most of us have been conditioned to follow relationship "escalators," those predetermined paths that dictate how our connections should progress. But what happens when we step off these escalators and design our relationships according to our own values? What if we could move beyond hierarchical thinking and embrace a more expansive view of love and connection? Enter, relationship anarchy, and Dr. Nicole Thompson, who’s joining us to explore this fascinating path to more intentional, authentic c...
Purity culture can often shape our sexuality in ways we don't even realize. Whether you grew up deeply immersed in it or just caught the edges, cultural messages about sexual "purity" impact how we view ourselves, our bodies, and our relationships. But what happens when we start questioning these teachings? How do we reclaim our sexuality and pleasure after being told our bodies belong to someone else? Lauren Elise Rogers joins us to share her powerful journey from purity culture survivor to cer...
