Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love.
We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity.
Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.
Envy in relationships can be sneaky. It often hides behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment, making it hard to recognize—even when we're actively looking for it! When we feel envious of our partners, it creates a unique kind of tension. Unlike envying a metamour or someone outside your relationship, partner envy touches on deeper questions about fairness, comparison, and what we truly want. It can be particularly challenging because admitting envy means acknowledging someth...
Let's be honest—most of us really don’t want to talk about envy. It's uncomfortable, it feels icky, and it brings up all sorts of emotions we'd rather not face. You know we love to talk about jealousy, but understanding envy, especially how it differs from jealousy, can also be incredibly valuable for relational and personal growth. In this episode, we talk about: — The difference between envy and jealousy, and why we often conflate them — How envy involves comparing ourselves to oth...
New Relationship Energy (NRE) can make everything feel like a shiny object. We get it, we love that feeling too! If you’re practicing non-monogamy, you might actually find yourself feeling NRE in multiple places. We made this episode in response to a listener question—what do I do with all these feelings and expectations? How do I prepare for when this chemical cocktail starts to fade? Even though it’s really exciting, this noisy emotional environment requires thoughtful navigation to maintain b...
Joli Hamilton discusses reimagining relationships, differentiating it from de-escalation or uncoupling, and emphasizing the importance of imagination, collaboration, and acknowledging grief. The episode explores creating liminal space, the role of repair work, nervous system regulation, and establishing new agreements for a reimagined relationship. Hamilton highlights the empowering nature of redefining relationships and celebrates the process of evolving connections.
Jolie and Ken discuss navigating integrity in relationships, especially within non-monogamous contexts. They explore internal conflicts, the importance of self-agreements, and how over-functioning can hinder growth. The conversation emphasizes acknowledging when we are out of integrity and re-evaluating agreements to align with true desires, using nervous system regulation to manage shame.
What if you could get to know your power intimately, and so get to know your whole self? What if you could use your story to have the life, pleasure, and relationships you want? Check out our chat with the incomparable Mollena Williams-Haas, Kink Doula, writer, performer, and podcast host. Listen to her share some of her story of power exchange and authenticity with you. Click here for the Kink Doula - Sign up for Mollena's mailing list - there's a free class available when you sign up...
What if you didn’t have to cut yourself off from your own toxic attractions? Sounds ridiculous, right? I MUST have to go cold turkey on my romanticization of a**hole behavior. But what if exploring them took your personal growth journey to the next level? In this episode, we’re diving deep into why that kinky stuff is so yummy, and what you can do to leverage your toxic romanticizations into growth + fun. We’re joined by Sunny Megatron, a sex, kink, and BDSM educator and media personality, and w...
Joli Hamilton and Ken explore shadow work, personifying inner "monsters" to understand unconscious motivations. They discuss accepting and integrating these darker aspects, using kink and creative expression as tools. The conversation emphasizes vulnerability, honesty, and psychological safety in relationships, and the importance of ongoing self-discovery.
Attachment theory has been all the rage recently, and hey, we get it - it’s a super helpful tool that comes up a lot in our work! But we’ve also been noticing some common pitfalls that are easy to stumble into while exploring the world of attachment styles. Labels like anxious, avoidant, or disorganized can feel quite restrictive, especially when people start to assume them as an identity. Here’s the thing: you are a whole, complex, multifaceted person, and every relationship you have is going t...
Some kinds of jealousy can just feel totally overwhelming. They may even make you feel rage . Justice jealousy is definitely one of them. Justice jealousy—a term that was coined by Jessica Fern (one of our favorite authors and recurring PWF guest)—can happen when your partner wasn’t able to provide something for you in the past, and then you witness them providing that same thing to one of their other partners. Ouch! The feelings that come up in these situations can be strong . So we’re here to ...
Conflict happens. Especially when differentiation and individuation are parts of your personal and relational journeys. And that’s a good thing! Enter Imago Dialogue, a communication tool created by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. Not only can it transform your communication, using Imago Dialogue can transform conflict into more connection . Whether you’re practicing Imago Dialogue with a romantic partner, family member, or friend, the core idea behind it is something a lot of u...
For too long, conversations about polyamory have centered on younger people. But what happens to open relationships as we get older? Kathy Labriola, author of many groundbreaking titles including The Jealousy Workbook , joins us to explain why age doesn’t have to mean the end of polyamory. In fact, non-monogamy can actually become more valuable as we age. It is so important for our community to have access to non-monogamous representation and stories. As someone who has been a polyamorist for 50...
Navigating the endings of relationships doesn't have to be a disaster. When it comes to consciously uncoupling, it’s about so much more than “breaking up nicely.” We want to help you reimagine what’s possible, honor what was, and create space for what comes next, even when it feels incredibly challenging. In this episode, we talk about: — Why conscious uncoupling requires specific ingredients, including time, willingness to grieve, and self-awareness — The importance of creating rituals to mark ...
If you’re polyamorous… what’s the point of getting married?? We get this question a lot. And although we are married, we also have a ton of mixed feelings about marriage. Marriage is way more complex than just saying “I do,” and we want to help you sort through those complexities so that you can decide whether or not to get (or stay) married with consciousness and integrity. In this episode, we talk about: — The different components of marriage: legal, social, spiritual, and romantic — Why the l...
Just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s normal. You do NOT have to accept pain, discomfort, and limitations when it comes to sex, pregnancy, and childbirth as “just the way things are.” Dr. Ariana Cesare, a pelvic and obstetric physical therapist, is joining us on this episode of Playing With Fire to bust that myth, and many others, when it comes to pain and pleasure. This conversation is for every body, including men, trans people, and people with disabilities (pregnancy affects 100%...
Gender-based relationship rules might seem like an easy solution to difficult feelings that come up in non-monogamous relationships, but they often mask deeper issues that deserve our attention. Restrictions like "one penis policies" typically stem from unexamined jealousy, fears of competition, and internalized biases. The desire for these kinds of rules often comes from very real places of emotional distress. But instead of using band-aids, we want you to address the root causes of these issue...
Navigating privacy and transparency in relationships can feel like walking a tightrope—especially when you and your partners have different comfort levels with information sharing. If you've ever felt frustrated by how much (or how little) your partner shares, you're not alone! The good news? There's no "right" amount of transparency or privacy. What matters is finding agreements that work for you and your partners while maintaining everyone's sense of safety. This episode dives deep into how to...
How do you tell the difference between being selfish and practicing healthy autonomy? You probably won’t be surprised to hear that it’s complicated! The line between hyper-individualism and differentiation isn’t just blurry; it’s usually impossible to judge any action one way or the other without a loooot of context (and maybe even hindsight!). To unpack this question, we have to dig deep into the culture of American exceptionalism, principles of ecology and community, and depth psychology’s len...
One of the most common concerns we hear about non-monogamous relationships is “but what about the kids?!?” We have a lot to say in response… but in this special episode, you get to hear it from one of our kids instead! Moi offers a candid glimpse into his experience of being raised by polyamorous parents and shares his perspective on what it’s like to navigate a world where polyamory is rarely represented. He also talks about his journey with queerness and transness, and how our family’s values ...
Joli and Ken Hamilton offer guidance for discussing non-monogamy with concerned friends and family, emphasizing that it's neither superior nor universally applicable. They address common worries, highlight the importance of defining relational success beyond traditional metrics, and share research suggesting children in non-monogamous families thrive. The episode also underscores consent, personal responsibility, and resilience as core principles, promoting open communication and understanding.
The word projection gets thrown around a lot these days, often in an accusatory way (think, “so-and-so is projecting!”). But projection is actually a normal, unconscious psychological process that shows up in all relationships! That doesn’t mean we should let our projections go unchecked. They can interfere with our ability to truly see our partners as whole, autonomous beings. The good news is that when we become aware of our projections, we have a powerful opportunity to uncover and reclaim th...
Defensiveness feels like a good way to protect yourself from harm in relationships, but it’s usually more effective at closing yourself off from personal growth, peace, connection, intimacy, multiplicity… and a lot of other wonderful parts of relating. Getting defensive is an unconscious strategy, a deeply ingrained response. Curbing it can feel like herding cats. Tomorrow, we’re helping you find the roots of your defensiveness and we’re sharing practical tools to help you identify and dismantle...
Coming out as non-monogamous can bring its own set of challenges and concerns, especially if you also hold other marginalized identities. And maintaining the social appearance of monogamy can come at a cost. In this episode, we’re exploring the risks and rewards of sharing your non-monogamous identity. And, if you do want to come out to the people in your life, we’re breaking down some key steps you can take to get ready for whatever reactions may come your way. We’re breaking down: — Why coming...
It’s totally normal and understandable to want privacy around your relationships. Especially in a culture that can be less than understanding towards non-monogamous people. And , maintaining the social appearance of monogamy (AKA social monogamy), can come at a cost. For some people, maintaining social monogamy can lead to feelings of disconnection and inauthenticity. You can also get into some messy territory around consent and secrecy with your partners, especially if you have different privac...
Dating → becoming exclusive → moving in together → getting married → having kids. This is the assumed trajectory that all relationships will take. If you’ve already started exploring non-monogamy, you have some experience with breaking the mold. But even in non-monogamous relationships , it’s common to find yourself slipping back into the relationship escalator framework. This path is so ingrained, it’s easy to feel pressure, both internal and external, to fit your life into its rigid set of ste...
We do so much grieving in our lifetimes. And not just about the deaths of loved ones—every time there is a change in our lives, we lose an old version of something. That loss can bring up big feelings, and channeling those feelings into an intentional, conscious process of grieving can be hugely beneficial for your life and your relationships. Grieving relational change is a skill, and we made this episode to help you start building that skill, and to explore the complex web of emotions that com...
If you have a hard time keeping relationship agreements, you probably also have a hard time keeping the agreements you make with yourself . If that’s you, or if you’ve never even tried to make self-agreements, you have to listen to this episode. This process shouldn’t feel like a punishment—I want you to make agreements with yourself that you actually want to uphold. And that’s not always a straightforward process. If you’re struggling, you’re so not alone. This isn’t entry-level work—it require...
“Jealousy is just insecurity, so if you become more secure in yourself, you won't feel jealous anymore.” Ever heard that one before? We have, and we don’t agree. One of the reasons I love thinking about, talking about, and doing academic research on jealousy is that jealousy contains multitudes . Insecurity and attachment issues are just one of its many facets. People tend to over-simplify jealousy because it can feel like a loaded word. Jealousy can get all mixed up with fear, shame, guilt,...
Relationship agreements are awesome. They can take you from a place of ambiguity and assumptions to a place of clarity and transparency. But what happens when the hardest part of relationship agreements is… actually… fulfilling them?? It can leave you feeling defeated and sh*tty. If you relate to that feeling, this episode is for you. There might be some tender spots, shadowy patterns, or subconscious desires hiding beneath the surface, and we’re going to help you unearth them. We’re also going ...
Eve and Andrea created a book that I wish I had 15 years ago when I was making the transition from monogamy to non-monogamy. And I don’t say that lightly (if you know me, you know I have a LOT of polyamory books on my bookshelves). The new edition of More Than Two is a testament to Eve and Andrea’s thoughtfulness and integrity as writers. They incorporated their evolving perspectives on ethics, relationships, and the world into their book, and the result is magical. They cover the stuff that man...
