Some kinds of jealousy can just feel totally overwhelming. They may even make you feel rage . Justice jealousy is definitely one of them. Justice jealousy—a term that was coined by Jessica Fern (one of our favorite authors and recurring PWF guest)—can happen when your partner wasn’t able to provide something for you in the past, and then you witness them providing that same thing to one of their other partners. Ouch! The feelings that come up in these situations can be strong . So we’re here to ...
May 11, 2024•53 min•Season 9Ep. 151
So, you want to create relationship agreements with your partner. Great! You probably want those agreements to be fair, balanced, and symmetrical. Great… right? Here’s the thing: everyone is different. We all have our own needs, wants, limits, trauma histories… the list goes on! So is trying to make symmetrical relationship agreements a worthwhile task? (Spoiler alert: not really!) In this episode, we discuss how you can use the concept of asymmetry on purpose, and we break down why it can be a ...
May 04, 2024•42 min•Season 9Ep. 150
There are a lot of bad ways to make relationship agreements. (Trust us, we’ve been there!) But creating supportive agreements can open up a world of experimentation for you and your partner(s), while also providing safe, solid structures to fall back on. This isn’t our first episode on relationship agreements, and it won’t be the last (we LOVE this topic), but this one’s a must-listen–we’re breaking down all the basics. —Learn the difference between relationship agreements and relationship philo...
Apr 27, 2024•42 min•Season 9Ep. 150
Attachment theory has been all the rage recently, and hey, we get it - it’s a super helpful tool that comes up a lot in our work! But we’ve also been noticing some common pitfalls that are easy to stumble into while exploring the world of attachment styles. Labels like anxious, avoidant, or disorganized can feel quite restrictive, especially when people start to assume them as an identity. Here’s the thing: you are a whole, complex, multifaceted person, and every relationship you have is going t...
Apr 20, 2024•43 min•Season 9Ep. 148
Differentiation is one of the pillars of conscious relationships—but it doesn’t just happen, we have to actively practice differentiation over time. When we don’t, there will be symptoms: If you’ve been feeling some resentment building up inside of you, if you’ve been feeling smothered, if you think you might be over- or under-functioning in your relationship(s), or if you’ve been having the same fights over and over with your partner(s), it might be time for you to get serious about differentia...
Apr 13, 2024•41 min•Season 9Ep. 147
We get this question a lot. But there are some questions lying under the surface of this one… first and foremost, will non-monogamy make it possible for us to not deal with all the shit that we just don't want to deal with?? It probably won’t surprise you to hear that our answers to these questions are nuanced, complicated, and exciting, but also possibly dysregulating!! To answer this question, we’re diving into the complexities of transitioning to non-monogamy. There are so many opportunities ...
Apr 06, 2024•35 min•Season 9Ep. 146
AKA–what do I do when everything in my relationship goes sideways?? To kick off season nine of PWF, we’re getting vulnerable and digging deep. We share our personal experiences with relational dysregulation, and we discuss communication styles, attachment tendencies, and tools that help us resolve conflict. Dysregulation can be fertile ground for relational growth. To show you why, we turn to our depth psychology roots, and explore concepts like embracing multiplicity, shadow exploration, and tr...
Mar 30, 2024•50 min•Season 9Ep. 145
We’re back with Jessica Fern and David Cooley, co-authors of the incredible book Polywise, and this time they’re answering your questions. We cover so much in this episode, but it’s all through the lens of a restorative relational framework, which is an incredibly powerful way to transform how you move through conflict in your relationships. Their responses include both practical exercises that you can implement in your life today, and important, big-picture discussions about polyamory, attachme...
Mar 16, 2024•58 min•Season 8Ep. 144
Consent can be a difficult topic for everyone. And there's a particularly large gap in our cultural conversations, sexual education, and practical skill development when it comes to consent and men. So many men (and that includes anyone who identifies as a man!) know there’s a problem, and want to do better, but aren’t entirely sure how to fix it. Our guest for this episode, Dr. Eric Fitzmedrud is here to remedy that. His work dives deep and does not shy away from difficult conversations. He kno...
Mar 02, 2024•54 min•Season 8Ep. 143
Enmeshment doesn’t have to be a big scary subject. In this episode, we’re breaking it down into two simple (but super important!) pieces: over-functioning and under-functioning. If you suspect you might be enmeshed in your relationship(s), and you want to start identifying those patterns, this one is a must-listen. We take it all the way to the root and examine the core wounds and beliefs that could be underlying your relationship patterns. AND, we talk about how practical tools like embodied aw...
Feb 17, 2024•41 min•Season 8Ep. 142
Individuation, enmeshment, symbiosis, co-dependence, individualism, interdependence… how on Earth can we navigate through all these paradigms and bring balance to our relationships?? Luckily, in this episode, we’re joined by Jessica Fern and David Cooley, two all-star authors and practitioners in the non-monogamy space. We get into the nuances of individuation, and how to work towards differentiation in a way that is intentional instead of reactive. We talk about the mono-mind (that sneaky thing...
Feb 03, 2024•58 min•Season 8Ep. 141
Jessica will be back next week with her coauthor David Cooley. Prime the pump by listening to this episode! ~ It's normal to want your relationship to feel secure. It's normal to want to individuate. It's normal to want to explore what life can look like beyond the constraints of default monogamy. But how do you actually deal with your specific attachment wounds and still create a love that makes space for multiple loving connections? Joli & Jessica dove into how attachment theory can help u...
Jan 20, 2024•54 min•Season 8Ep. 140
Communication, transitions, new relationship energy, oh my! Being a hinge partner between multiple consensually non-monogamous relationships can be so overwhelming. Don’t worry—in this second episode of our hinge skills series, we’re diving even deeper into the skills you can develop that could take you from squeaky hinge to skillful tapestry weaver. We discuss all the tricky aspects of polyamorous relationships and metamours—needs, boundaries, emotions, schedules, energy levels, the list goes o...
Jan 13, 2024•48 min•Season 8Ep. 139
Feeling more like a doorstop than a hinge? We’ve been there. If you are the pivot point between multiple partners in a polyamorous relationship, you already know that it can be a challenging role to play. In this episode, we're talking about what it means to be a hinge, and what skills you can build to help you fill this role. Highlights include: time management, boundary setting, responsibility, distress tolerance, and so much more. Listen on to find out how you can strengthen your relationship...
Jan 06, 2024•38 min•Season 8Ep. 138
Starting a new relationship, ending a relationship, negotiating within a partnership for the first time, practicing differentiation, having kids - all of these changes can be positive, exciting, and beneficial, but they can also bring up stress. Making sense of all those conflicting emotions can be challenging. If you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed by your relationship(s), that is SO OK!! And, this is the episode for you! We talk about a ton of powerful tools you can use to stay grounded whi...
Dec 23, 2023•37 min•Season 8Ep. 137
When one person in a monogamous relationship announces to their partner that they are polyamorous, it can be shocking, and it can bring up a lot of feelings. Some people call this “polybombing” - maybe you’ve heard the term before, maybe you’ve experienced it. We know - from experience - that there are some pretty big dos and don’ts for this conversation, and in this episode we’re talking about how to present this information you’ve discovered about yourself in a way that fosters a sense of open...
Dec 16, 2023•48 min•Season 8Ep. 136
Veto power: What is it? What are the pros of cons of using it in polyamorous relationships? Could the desire to exercise it be a relic from your monomind? Spoiler alert: we aren’t fans of veto power. It can feel like a protective measure, but veto power can actually inhibit the trust and personal growth that makes relationships strong. There are many ways to create safety and negotiate boundaries without having to incorporate a power imbalance into your love life—and we’re talking about them in ...
Dec 09, 2023•35 min•Season 8Ep. 135
‘Agreements’ and ’consequences’ can feel like big scary words, but they are not the same things and ‘rules’ and ‘punishments.’ In fact, when you put these frameworks into practice, they can actually make you feel so much more security and relief. We discuss why it’s important, especially in non-monogamous relationships, to have clear agreements, and to have clear next steps for what happens when those agreements are broken. We walk through some example scenarios and discuss the benefits of proac...
Dec 02, 2023•37 min•Season 8Ep. 134
Relationship “work” doesn’t have to feel like work ! With some re-framing and a playful attitude, the work can feel a lot more like play ! What does it mean to ‘do the work’ in your relationship? This phrase gets tossed around all the time, but in this episode we’re digging into what relationship work can actually look like for you. There are a few key ingredients for doing the work that, when missing, can leave you feeling lost in the process: effort, attitude, and structure. We discuss how to ...
Nov 25, 2023•28 min•Season 8Ep. 133
If you’ve had a partner bring up the possibility of non-monogamy, and your reaction was - ‘why am I not enough?’ - you’re not alone. We dive into why this feeling comes up so often for people who are exploring non-monogamy, and we discuss what depth psychology can teach us about how to move through this painful feeling. We share our personal experiences of feeling unvalued in relationships, and of struggling to support partners through their own feelings of low self-worth while moving through di...
Nov 18, 2023•32 min•Season 8Ep. 132
Conversations about de-escalation can stir up a lot of fear—change freaks us out!—but things are always changing in our relationships, especially when we’re exploring non-monogamy and untangling ourselves from the fairy tale, rom-com version of love. De-escalation doesn’t always have to be a sudden, slam-on-the-brakes change—we discuss how de-escalation can be a pragmatic, intentional way of attending to what the situation actually needs, instead of following the traditional relationship steplad...
Nov 11, 2023•42 min•Season 8Ep. 131
What if you didn’t have to cut yourself off from your own toxic attractions? Sounds ridiculous, right? I MUST have to go cold turkey on my romanticization of a**hole behavior. But what if exploring them took your personal growth journey to the next level? In this episode, we’re diving deep into why that kinky stuff is so yummy, and what you can do to leverage your toxic romanticizations into growth + fun. We’re joined by Sunny Megatron, a sex, kink, and BDSM educator and media personality, and w...
Nov 04, 2023•57 min•Season 8Ep. 130
Conflict happens. Especially when differentiation and individuation are parts of your personal and relational journeys. And that’s a good thing! Enter Imago Dialogue, a communication tool created by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. Not only can it transform your communication, using Imago Dialogue can transform conflict into more connection . Whether you’re practicing Imago Dialogue with a romantic partner, family member, or friend, the core idea behind it is something a lot of u...
Oct 28, 2023•1 hr 22 min•Season 8Ep. 129
You can be fully immersed in polyamory, living and breathing the non-monogamous lifestyle, and still be stuck in a monogamous mindset. If you feel split, conflicted, like you’re living in bifurcated parallel universes between different partners, you’re not alone. The paradigm of monogamy runs deep in our society, so it’s no surprise that many people have a hard time breaking out of monogamous internal frameworks, even when so much of their lives reflects their polyamorous identity. That’s why th...
Oct 21, 2023•33 min•Season 8Ep. 128
Have you ever felt like you’re caught in a mix of jealousy and compersion? Like you want to be happy for your partner, but there’s also this feeling of jealousy tugging at you? You are so not alone. Dr. Marie Thouin has joined us on Playing With Fire before, but this time is extra special, because we’ve coined a new word for that conflicted feeling—comperstruggle! And we’re telling you all about it. Making the transition from comperstruggle to compersion isn’t always easy, but in this episode we...
Oct 14, 2023•40 min•Season 8Ep. 127
If you’re at the beginning of your non-monogamy journey, or if you’re feeling a little stuck and you don’t know where to turn for community, this episode is for you. We’re joined by Emma and Fin from the Normalizing Non-Monogamy Podcast to discuss all things community. We talk about why community is so important for people who are exploring non-monogamy, the challenges that come with the process of finding and building community, communication and connection in long-term relationships, coming ou...
Oct 07, 2023•58 min•Season 8Ep. 126
Struggling with your own jealousy? Partner struggling with jealousy? Friends/community arguing about how to handle jealousy? This episode was MADE for you. The jealousy roadmap emerged directly from my qualitative research on jealousy. Since then I’ve put it to the test with hundreds of people- it works. And I want you to have it for free because jealousy is a normal emotion and you deserve to feel empowered to work with jealousy proactively. You’ll also want to download >>>The Jealousy...
Sep 23, 2023•1 hr 12 min•Season 8Ep. 125
How does it go for you to show up with all your unique you-ness? Of course some of you is private, but it can be tricky to bring the rest of you out into your relationships. We talk with distinguished psychotherapist and renowned speaker Rachel Wright about our various experiences being out as our individual selves. For more from Rachel: www.rachelwrightnyc.com The Wright Conversations podcast Instagram: @thewright_rachel Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.Jo...
Sep 09, 2023•1 hr 3 min•Season 124Ep. 8
There are things you can do to build intimacy in your relationships, and things you can do that can break it down. We're talking about wording agreements and commitments in ways that avoid leaving back doors you can sneak out of. and leave you present to your partners and yourself. And what can happen if you don't. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Aug 26, 2023•41 min•Season 8Ep. 123
Do the limited choices on the mainstream relationship menu leave you feeling restless and looking for something else? Do you think something more customized would suit you and your partners or partner better? I hear you, so we're talking with guest expert Carrie Jeroslow, host of Relationship Diversity Podcast . We talk about solo-amory, the line between monogamy and non-monogamy, embracing discomfort, the value of intention in relationships - we packed a lot in here. Click here to download a fr...
Aug 19, 2023•1 hr•Season 8Ep. 122
