Everybody, regardless of gender, wants more of this. So today we are breaking down the five things that we are all getting wrong about foreplay, how to have more of it, and how to make it so much better. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Morin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience. And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving
improving yours. Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. education you wish you'd Since the beginning of the year, we have welcomed so many new people into our community. So if you are new, hello and welcome. That is really creepy. Nobody's gonna wanna look.
it made more sense it made more sense if you were watching on youtube because i went on i think i was worse on youtube i hope this is not your first episode of pillow talk Hi, I'm Xander. I don't usually talk in that voice. In fact, I don't ever talk in that voice. Except in that moment when the notion struck me. So over the last two weeks, we have been resharing a couple of our most popular episodes. And if you are a Pillow Talks OG,
We love you as well. And I think that it's still really beneficial to re-listen to these episodes because they, we released them originally like so long ago. I'm sure you've forgotten most of the advice. and sometimes just like we need a couple of times to hear something before it really sinks in for us or we hear something new and i didn't hear the original time i think that's the big one like i i love rereading my favorite books and i feel like each time i got something different out of it
So today's episode is one of the topics that I think, as a business, we are the most known for. Blowjobs. Not just blowjobs. Foreplay. Foreplay. Foreplay. But a little secret, we actually hate the word foreplay because I think that word implies that These are the things you do before the main event, where we paint intercourse as the main event, and it's just not. Foreplay can be the main event.
foreplay especially for women can be the best way yeah way more pleasurable so anyways like about two years ago we initially dropped what basically became a little master class on one of the most overlooked but essential parts of intimacy foreplay It is called the foreplay episode and the five things we are all getting wrong. And it is packed with our best tips on how to bring more pleasure, connection, and a little spice back into your relationship.
Yeah, and so this original episode was inspired by our Ultimate Foreplay guides, which I think it was back then, and it still definitely is now. It is our best-selling guide. And ultimate foreplay guides include step-by-step instructions in both written and audio format on how to do all the foreplay, how to give an amazing blow job, how to give great hand job. how to go down on a vulva, how to finger a vulva.
There's over 100 different techniques to give your partner maximum pleasure and to receive maximum pleasure yourself. We tell you about all the exact spots that you need to hit. for the best results um we even give you a variety of positions to engage in your foreplay in so that you can keep things fresh and exciting or just switch it up every now and then there's also some really beautiful and honestly super tasteful illustrations and gifts
that make it really easy to follow and literally show you exactly what to do. It was so important to us when we created these that they weren't cheesy or like look like corny if that's even a word They're very tasteful. Yeah, they are very tasteful, but also very helpful, which is the reason why we added them. So yeah, I mean, really, they are the ultimate guide on what to do before, during, and after orgasm.
the experience that we're all looking for just that my soul it left my body i can't believe how good that was that was the best i ever had i didn't know that was possible because it is So if you want to check out the ultimate foreplay guides, you will also get our foreplay bonus package for free. You'll get our big package. Our big package. So the first thing you got is one man and women. secretly want out of foreplay, or maybe I should say not so secretly.
anymore like what we did to create this is we asked our people in our community what do you secretly wish that the other gender knew about foreplay and Not only were the answers jaw-dropping, but actually, good news, they were really straightforward. They're really simple, easy to implement things. It's not like,
oh, there's some big secret that you're actually doing wrong. It's like a lot of just little things that you can do that are going to make a huge difference so yeah it's so much easier to give your partner that experience that they've really been craving surprising things too it wasn't like obvious stuff like there were some really yeah it's not obvious but like surprisingly simple stuff where it's like hey do a couple of these things and you might be surprised at what the results are
there's also the get comfortable receiving foreplay masterclass so this is specifically for women who struggle to receive pleasure from your partner so if you feel like you're always in your head you just can't allow yourself to be present in that moment this is going to show you exactly how to get out of your head drop into your body be in the moment as your partner gives you all the time attention and effort that you
We also have the foreplay cheat code worksheet, which is our no-nonsense, foolproof way to uncover your partner's foreplay cheat code in just a couple of minutes. So we're talking... all the details that you've never even thought of. We lay it all out there and help you guys figure out how to identify what it is that you are each looking for. So you're going to never have to feel like you're fumbling around in the dark again.
I know I've definitely had that experience in the past. It's not fun. So yeah, it just takes a couple of minutes and you will understand exactly what your partner wants. And solve all your foreplay frustrations. You will finally get the answers to all those questions that you have never seen answered anywhere. super specific foreplay frustrations that have you convinced you're the only person in the world experience.
them so all four of those are totally free yeah so if you want all of that all you have to do is go over to vmtherapy.com slash foreplay to pick up the foreplay guides we'll also drop a link down in the show notes So today's episode is obviously all about foreplay. We polled our Instagram audience and we found that 88% of men and 59% of women say they want more foreplay. Bye! 67% of women said they feel too needy asking for it. 56% say they struggle to receive it, and 62%
say that it feels awkward or boring. So I would venture or guess that far more than 59% of women actually want or need more foreplay. They just don't know it yet because they haven't had very good foreplay they they don't know exactly what techniques are gonna like really knock their socks off or they don't feel comfortable asking for it or they feel too needy so I mean, probably, honestly, it's like 90% of people, almost everybody, regardless of gender, wants more of this.
so today we are breaking down the five things that we are all getting wrong about foreplay how to have more of it and how to make it so much better But before we get into all of that, we got to get into our review of the week first. If you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you know reviews are so, so important to us, whether it's a review of the podcast itself or a review of one of our products like the Foreplay Guide.
So if you want to win, because we pick a winner every week, if you hear your review read aloud, you've won. You've won a free masterclass. DM us at Vanessa and Xander on Instagram or email us at info at vmtherapy.com. And if you want to leave a review, well, DM us your review of one of our products or leave us a review. Go to the pillow talk.
podcast page on Apple Podcasts. Scroll all the way to the bottom. You'll find the review section just to leave a short review about how our podcast has changed your life. So this week's review, we are having conversations we never knew we could have. I cannot thank you enough for giving us the tools to talk about sex and intimacy.
My husband and I have been together 30 plus years. One would think we had it all figured out, but boy, were we wrong. I have listened and followed you both for a while and finally bit the bullet and bought your best week ever and sex talks card deck. We are new empty nesters and have had a resurgence in our sex life and communication thanks to Vanessa and Xander. The questions and challenges encouraged us to become really vulnerable when it came to sex.
I bought two more guides and we are excited to dig in and keep learning more about each other. Thank you. Oh, that's such a great review. That is so sweet. We love hearing it. Okay, let's jump into the episode. So Mother's Day is right around the corner. It is. And I know what I'm getting for my mom. Some cozier. My mom.
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And for a limited time, Beam is giving our listeners their best offer yet up to 40% off. Try their best-selling dream powder and get up to 40% off for a limited time. go to shopbeam.com slash pillow and use code pillow at checkout. That's shopbeam.com slash pillow and use code pillow for up to 40% off. So let's go back to foreplay. Foreplay, I really want people to give it the respect that it deserves because there's so many incredible things about it.
For most people, like they're going to have their fastest, their best, their most powerful orgasms from foreplay. Foreplay is a great way to shake things up in the bedroom, to keep it spicy, keep you guys on your toes, try something a little bit different. It's incredibly intimate. For a lot of people, foreplay feels more intimate than intercourse. And it's just like so much fun to explore with your partner.
So today's episode is all about the things that we are getting wrong about foreplay, the ways that we are overlooking it and just not giving it the respect it deserves and depriving ourselves. of the pleasure enjoyment and connection that we all could be having so let's get into the foreplay conversation and first we just want to give a little bit of a disclaimer
that we're going to be speaking a bit more to male female couples in this episode. Like we try to make all of our content as inclusive as possible. That's one of our core company values.
let's be real same sex couples tend to have a much healthier view of foreplay they sure do a much healthier view they sure do we could learn a thing or two about that oh absolutely and that's because you know a lot of same sex couples don't have any sort of penetration like you know any sort of intercourse like penetration in their sex life some do which is awesome
but a lot don't and so sometimes when we ask questions about foreplay on Instagram we'll get responses from our queer community members saying things like well we don't look at this as foreplay like the things that we do before we move on like this is what we do yeah it's it's just sex and it's just sex and i think yeah very often you know outside of male female relationships before you have sex with someone, it is much more common to just have a straight up conversation where it's like,
Hey, what does sex look like for you? What do you love? Like, what do you like? What do you dislike? What do you prefer? rather than there just being this like no talking and just assumption that, okay, yeah, we're going for intercourse and that's going to do it for both of us. Instead, it's like, hey, what do you like? I want to make you feel good. I want you to make me feel good. So let's give each other the information that we need to make that happen. And then they do it.
And everyone is really happy. So I think that very often, people in non-male-female relationships often have a lot better sex because they're getting the things that they really like. And, you know, and it's also, it's a big turn on to see the person that you are having sex with really enjoying themselves and it's a big turn on for them to see you enjoying yourself it's kind of this like win-win-win situation
Again, research backs this up, too. We'll get a little bit more into this later in the episode, but research shows that same-sex couples have more orgasms, report more pleasure, more overall satisfaction than male-female couples. Okay, so let's get into it. The number one thing that we are all getting wrong about foreplay is
is that we're treating it like this unnecessary extra. And so I talked about this a little bit just a minute ago, like at the beginning of a sexual relationship, there's this excitement about doing all these different things with each other and like there's just that sense of first like oh your first kiss with somebody the first time you guys touched each other the first time you went down on each other there's this
excitement about all of these activities. But then once we start having intercourse,
Like that becomes the focus. And what I've really noticed as a sex therapist is that as couples progress in a relationship, like the more time goes on, the narrower their definition of sex becomes to the point where it's like, 30 seconds of maybe some like half-assed kissing maybe a quick little fondle and then they're going on to the intercourse we've been there for sure yeah we have gone through this exact same dynamic
And whenever I share this with people, it's like it kind of catches them by surprise. They're like, oh my God, yeah, that is exactly what my sex life looks like. No wonder. Have you been watching? I'm like, no wonder it's not feeling exciting. No wonder I'm not craving it because it's so predictable. It's so narrow. Like as you're listening to this, just take a second to think like,
Script out what sex looks like between you and your partner. I bet that you could write out like exactly step by step what it looks like. And so when you have that, it just starts to feel very predictable, very routine. and just unexciting all this emphasis on intercourse on like getting to the intercourse as quickly as we can It's not actually serving any of us.
And so when all this emphasis is on getting to the inner course, like, of course, the foreplay feels like this extra thing, like, oh, like, why do I have to do like, I just, I just want to get to the inner course, like, do I really need to do this thing that I used to do maybe before we were having intercourse, but now that we're having intercourse, like who needs it?
And I think there's also this added pressure that a lot of us feel like intercourse should be enough. Like we should just be satisfied and turned on and pleased just by the intercourse. And so there can be this dynamic that comes up where we start to feel needy or complicated or too much.
if we want foreplay or if we want more foreplay. So we actually polled our Instagram community about this. And Xander, why don't you tell us what the results were? Yeah, well, 67% of women, two thirds said that they do feel needy for wanting foreplay. wild yeah two and every three women yep feels needy for wanting foreplay yeah you want to guess what the number was for men I mean, it's sitting right in front of me. I'm speaking historically to the audience. What do you think it is for men?
33%, one in three men feel needy. for wanting or needy or complicated for wanting foreplay. So, double the women as men feel this way but still a pretty significant number for men too like yeah I think that we you know we obviously men and women face different pressures when it comes to sex and A lot of men feel this pressure that they should just be automatically ready and good to go like hard at the drop of a hat. I don't know what that would even mean. Like hard right away.
drop your hat drop your hat drop your pants and get hard but you know so there are a lot of men out there like one in three that's not insignificant oh i've i've been in that group for before i've definitely been in that group like in the course of our marriage like there have been there you know there was a time where yeah like I didn't feel comfortable asking like it kind of felt like
It kind of felt like, okay, well, if you were just going to give me a blowjob to completion, then sure, that's fine. That's a different thing. But to ask for foreplay when we're trying to have intercourse just felt like, oh, like that, that's too much. She's not going to want to give it to me. She, you know, she, you know, oh, like I'm going to take too long to get hard or like, oh, like she must be tired. She, you know, I, it was just,
Yeah, it's so hard for me. I felt like, God, I just want to be hard and get to the inner course. and you know i ended up closing myself off from the possibility of having such a better time in our sex life you know because the reality is we both like making each other feel good and i just like had it in my head that like
you didn't really like it that much or that I didn't, I shouldn't really need it. And it was just all these stories and we'll get actually more into that. I won't, I won't tell the whole story. Okay. Let's keep going. So here's what we want you to understand if you're listening to this and realizing like, oh, yeah, I've kind of fallen into that trap of treating foreplay as this unnecessary extra. Foreplay is not a nice to have kind of thing. Foreplay is essential.
And this is true for people of all genders. But I want to take a couple of moments just to talk a little bit about how essential foreplay is for cis women in particular for us vulva owners. So what we need to understand is that for a vulva, clitoral stimulation is the key to experiencing pleasure and orgasm. The clitoris is the biological equivalent of the penis. And nobody is shocked when a man wants penile stimulation to reach orgasm, right? It's like, oh yeah, no, that's how it works.
And yet we treat the clitoris as if it's this weird, complicated, mysterious, difficult thing. Some similar vibes with foreplay. It's like, oh, why do we have to do all of that? Why do we have to touch that thing? But it is the equivalent of the penis. So imagine treating a man in this way of saying like, oh, why do you need your penis touch to have a good time? Like that.
too much. That's unnecessary. Yeah, I just want to rub your balls a little. I mean, that's the comparison that I make all the time. It's like from a nerve ending standpoint. intercourse for a woman is like playing with a man's balls like It might feel good. It could be enjoyable. It could feel connecting. But it's only going to get you partway there. For the vast majority of people, it is not anywhere near enough stimulation to lead to orgasm.
So yeah, the issue with intercourse for us women is that it doesn't create a ton of clitoral stimulation on its own because you're not really in the same area like you're putting the penis into the vagina the clitoris is it's close but it's not the vagina So we're getting stimulation of a part of our body that isn't actually wired to feel a ton of pleasure. And the place that is the most sensitive part of our body is very often getting neglected.
So it should come as no surprise that 91% of women say that they prefer a different activity over intercourse. Yeah, I mean, I was just thinking about this as you were describing all this and like...
Yeah, it's just, it's so unfair. Like, I think women especially have really been cheated in the way that we tend to look at sex in our society where it's like, you know, as As we are starting to become more sexual, it's like, okay, yeah, we start working our way through these foreplay activities typically.
And then, you know, but we place all this pressure on like losing your virginity, having intercourse, or it's like, oh, I'm going to wait. I'm going to wait until I'm in a serious relationship. I'm going to wait until I'm married. I'm going to wait until I'm this old. or whatever. And, you know, very often, I feel like what is, you know, tends to be fairly common is it's like, okay, well, like, I'm going to wait until XYZ to do the intercourse. And, you know, in that,
In the meantime, I'm going to be doing these foreplay things. So we start doing those things, and we're actually doing the things that tend to be the most pleasurable for us. And then at some point we add intercourse in and then all of a sudden it's like we've moved away from doing the things that really work.
and are doing this thing that can be nice, for a vulva owner but it's not like not nearly as good as what you were doing before and like i can just imagine how challenging that is where it's like you've built everyone builds it up as like oh yeah intercourse is the be all end all and then you're like wait I'm doing this and it's like not as good as the other stuff that we were doing before and somehow but like asking to go back to that stuff is like
is like, oh, well, that's extra. That's lesser than. And it's just like, God, that's such a tough spot to be in. Like, I just wish as a society we could talk about sex differently and not like... have intercourse like on this pedestal. It's like, man, like oral sex and manual sex. you know, for women.
is like definitely should be higher than intercourse like that's like the thing that's gonna do it for you yeah exactly like that's why we are making this episode so we can talk more openly about foreplay help people realize like the misconceptions we have about it and that the way we are approaching it is really hurting all of us.
Foreplay is not an unnecessary extra. It is essential. It should be a much more prominent part of everybody's sex life and we shouldn't feel like anything is wrong with us for needing it more often and us women in particular should not feel needy or complicated or asking too much for wanting the activities that are most stimulating for our bodies So let's go to number two, the number two thing that we are all getting wrong about foreplay. We are only doing it at the beginning of sex.
So like we talked about earlier for most couples, what foreplay looks like is like 30 to 60 seconds of groping and fumbling before you're then trying to get it in. Yeah, it's like, okay, let's get the penis hard. Let's get the vulva wet. Then we're going to move on. yeah we're treating it as like a means to an end like The foreplay itself is not enjoyable. It's just serving a purpose like, oh, OK, I got to get him hard or got to get her wet, that type of thing.
And, you know, like we mentioned already, like even that word foreplay leads into this belief to like foreplay, the things you do before you move on to having the real sex. And the problem, of course, with treating foreplay like this is that it makes it feel perfunctory and not at all pleasurable. Like if you're doing it
just to serve a purpose, not for pleasure and connection and enjoyment. Like it's not going to be fun experience yeah and of course like that whole vibe makes it really hard to kind of settle in and actually enjoy it then you know i know for me when we looked at it that way in our relationship Instead of me actually enjoying you touching me or you going down on me, I would be thinking, all right, am I hard enough yet? Am I hard enough yet?
Oh, why is it not happening? Like, why is it not immediate? Like, oh, this is, you know, oh, I wonder if she's thinking I'm taking too long instead of just sitting back and enjoying it. And I remember sometimes like, you know, I would be like, oh, like, you know, I. this isn't it's not going as fast as I want it to and you'd be like babe it's been like 30 seconds yeah that's one of the most important things I'm so glad you brought that up like
So many of us struggle with this feeling of taking too much time. And we're kind of like spoiling each of our points as we go along. They're all kind of interrelated. We're going to talk about this one next. but we are notoriously bad at predicting time. Like if you ask a human, tell me when you think a minute has gone by and they're not allowed to look at a clock or a stopwatch or anything like that. Most people say it's been a minute. I think it's like 15 to 23 seconds. Like it's very fast.
So this dynamic can creep in in a lot of different ways. Like if you're on the receiving end of foreplay, like Xander was just saying, like you might get in your head thinking like, oh, my partner's not liking this. I've got to hurry it up. Why am I not reacting quickly enough?
You could also notice if your partner is the one in those vibes. Like if you can tell your partner is just like, oh, I don't want to be doing this, but he's not hard. I got to get him hard. Like, of course, that's not going to be enjoyable for you. And then if you're the one giving the foreplay and you think like, okay, my only task is like, get them hard as quickly as I can. Like,
you're going to approach it in a way that doesn't feel fun for you. Yeah. You might be doing it all like faster and more frantically rather than like, let's draw this out. Let's make it enjoyable. I think like, yeah if you were to actually plot the curve of like enjoyable foreplay it's like probably like slow and teasing at first and like building like you know a slow crescendo rather than this like
fast and furious type of thing. It just ruins the vibes all around. Like you don't get to enjoy receiving it. It feels like your partner doesn't really care. You don't get to enjoy giving it as well. It just ruins everything. And there's even this other issue that gets wrapped up into it too. So Xander, I'm going to turn this over to you to ask it. So this is a question that we get asked all the time. Like,
why is he losing his erection when he's going down on me? Like he must not like it. Or sometimes people will just say like, oh, we just don't do foreplay at all or for very long because he loses his erection. So what's the deal with erections and giving foreplay? Should we be expecting that dudes are just Hard all the time. All right, so first I'll answer that question and then I'll talk a little bit more about just what this feeling or vibe is.
overall well the simple answer is no like if you if you as a penis owner if you if you get hard and then you start you know giving foreplay to your partner if you are not being stimulated like you are not going to maintain that erection for very long in general like once you get hard like you need
constant stimulation in order to to stay hard it's i mean you know similarly like for a vulva owner if you you know like if you get that vulva close to having an orgasm and then you stop giving it stimulation for five minutes and then you start again it's not like it's it's not like you're gonna have an orgasm in five seconds like you don't start
from, you know, where you left off, like, you know, your arousal starts to decrease. And so first of all, I just want to say it is totally normal that if you had a hard, if you were hard and you start going down on someone without receiving any other stimulation, you are not going to stay hard for very long. Now, the issue is that most people look at that and go, oh, well, that's unacceptable.
Well, I think that the fear that comes up for a lot of women is, oh, he's not enjoying it because he's not hard. Yeah. He doesn't think it's a turn on. Yeah, yeah, for sure. So I think it's important to kind of draw a distinction between like, You can be turned on and but not like rock hard like I think that that's sort of the key like you are going to be rock hard if you are turned on and being stimulated like
you can ask even some of the times yeah I'm still might not be but yeah yeah I mean I think that is the best recipe yes or for that but I think the reality is that yeah like So foreplay is a generally one-sided thing. One partner is giving a lot of stimulation to the other partner. Now that can be a huge turn-on for both partners. It's a turn-on for me when I see Vanessa enjoying herself But I'm still not being like, super stimulated and so It is very rare that I have a raging boner.
If I'm going down on Vanessa for very long. And even sometimes like the position of it. I mean, one of the classic positions that men go down on women is like the guys on his stomach. It's like, you're, you know, it's kind of hard to like, get hard and stay super hard if you're like pressed into the bed.
so the bottom line is that as women we should not be self-conscious about our partner not enjoying it if he doesn't have an erection yeah and then I think you know to all the guys out there all the all the penis owners that you know feel stressed out about this I just want to say I used to get super stressed out about this I used to feel like
I had one shot to get hard. Once it was hard, that was the only chance I had to have intercourse, which was the only chance I had to make you feel pleased with the sexual interaction. And so, you know, if when we were getting started having sex, like, you know, if you were to ask me to go down on you, and I was already hard, I would be really hesitant to do that. Or I would do it for like 10 seconds and be like, no, like I'm hard. Like, let's do this. But what I want to say is that
You are giving foreplay. Your partner can also give foreplay to you. So, you know, please your partner. Enjoy going down on them. And then, you know, once you are done with that, you can ask your partner to go down on you and get you hard. I think that You know, we can get really in our heads about like, oh, well, I lost an erection. It's harder to get an erection after I've already lost it. Here's the thing. It is harder to get an erection after you've already lost an erection.
If all you are thinking about in your head is, oh my God, I lost an erection. I lost an erection. If instead in your head, you're like, hey, I was super turned on because I was being stimulated. Now I'm not being stimulated. So yeah, it's not super hard anymore. Oh, okay. So I'm going to ask my partner to go down on me. I'm going to enjoy this because I just went down on my partner and they enjoyed themselves.
So I'm going to get, you know, a turn to enjoy myself fired up over here. I think if that's your perspective on it, then all of a sudden you're like relaxed. You're enjoying yourself. rather than being in your head like, oh God, this is so embarrassing. I lost my erection. That was my one chance to please her. I just think it's like you just need to do that mental reframe. And it's hard. Of course, it's hard because we've been socialized to think that that's not how it goes.
So I think it just takes a lot of practice. Like, just try to relax. Try to relax and enjoy receiving and see how that goes. Okay, thank you for that little moment of Xander's boner coaching. Wow. Let's continue with more of what you need to know. I don't know how I like that Xander boner coach. god regular dude and certified boner coach oh god i i you know what in like a weird cynical way i could i could see that like absolutely killing on instagram
You want to start your own account? Yeah, like Boner Coach. Yeah, if you just want to shamelessly get into the Boner Coaching business, I bet that could work. I bet there's something there. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. And then you could call, you know, like... how big accounts have names for their community or their followers? Boner Bros. Oh, yeah. Bone brows. Bone or brows. Okay, so if you are only doing foreplay at the beginning of sex, here's what we want you to do instead.
Truly treat foreplay as its own unique experience. Give it the respect that it deserves. Like it's not this quick means to an end. Like it is. It's the journey, man. It's enjoyable in and of itself and it can bring you so, so, so much more pleasure than it might currently be bringing you. Of course, like have a good attitude with foreplay. That's one of the things that we share in our foreplay guides. Like Attitude is everything when it comes to foreplay.
I personally think like you could have the best technique in the world, but if your partner can tell you are not wanting to be doing that in that moment, like it's not going to be a good experience. I don't care what technique you're using. And I think also like, You could... have like so so technique mediocre technique but a really good attitude absolutely and give your partner a phenomenal experience oh hell yeah yeah so attitude is everything have a good attitude like
Truly, if your partner can tell that you are enjoying yourself, like that's going to make the experience so much better for both of you. when life gets really busy for us one of the first things to go is cooking we're just like we don't have the time order out again and then our stomachs hurt the next day and we are angry about our decisions which is why We get so excited about Hungry Root.
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Okay, so this whole category was you shouldn't only be doing it at the beginning of sex. So what do you actually do? I mean, I think there's two options. The first is that sometimes sex can just be foreplay activities. But if you do want to be having intercourse, I think so many of us limit ourselves thinking, oh, once we start the intercourse, we can't do foreplay anymore. But the reality is,
You can take a break. You can switch back. I think some people get in their heads about bodily fluids, bodily fluids are bodily fluids. Like it's part of sex. Like, If, you know, if you can get into the headspace of like, hey, this is fun and sexy. It is so great to just take a break, do some oral, do some manual, switch it up.
It can be a great thing, especially for penis owners out there that have a little anxiety about how fast they come. It can be a great way to get really excited having intercourse. Get yourself right to the edge. Stop. Go down on your partner. Do some foreplay. Give your penis a little break. um i that can really do wonders um that can really kind of like flip a switch and really up level your entire sexual experience i think so
I always encourage people to do that. It's not a one-way street. Like, oh, once we've passed that, there's no going back. Let's move on to number three. you're not letting your partner give it to you. So we started talking about this a little bit, like the struggles with receiving that so many of us have. We polled this on Instagram and 56% of women, so more than half of women, say that they struggle to receive foreplay.
We also polled men and only 20% of men said that they did. So this is another example of like the differences between men and women are huge, 56 to 20%. But still, 20% is not insignificant. One in five, that's still, you know, like if you've had five partners, one of them has felt this way. So we asked on Instagram, like, why does it feel challenging for you to receive? Like what's getting in your way? And some of the most common beliefs that came up were, I think my partner doesn't enjoy it.
I worry that I take too long or take too much effort. And we talked about that already. And I'm self-conscious about my body or my genitals. That is one that comes up in particular for, I mean, I'll always come up more for women than for men, but like especially the... self-consciousness about our bodies. We've also had so many men who tell us that they have been with women who have refused to let them or encourage them.
not to perform oral or not to perform very much oral, that now they feel like, oh, well, I'm not really even going to try. I've had so many experiences. of trying to give and be, you know, have been pushed away or told, like, I don't really want that, that now they feel like, oh, well, like, I'm doing my partner, like, I'm doing women a favor. by not offering, by not going down on them. And, you know, I've definitely had this experience too, like, you know, in my own past of like,
You know, of like, oh, like you do it for like 20 seconds or something and then it's like, all right, like come back here. And so, yeah, you kind of take away that it's like, you know, oh, like most people like don't really want you to spend very much time doing this and that just reinforces
that idea of oh yeah well I guess intercourse must really be the thing that everyone is trying to get to and it's like you know it's like we're playing with half a deck of cards like Our partners are trying to move us along because they're not feeling very comfortable with it.
What we take away from it is, oh, yeah, okay, intercourse must really be, you know, just like everyone says. I guess I'd better move along. I guess I'd better stop doing this or really reduce the amount that I do it or the amount of time that I do it for. And I mean, this can even have happened in your own relationship, too. Oh, yeah.
maybe at the beginning of the relationship, your partner was trying to go down on you a lot and you kept saying no or only letting them do it for 10 seconds and then they stopped trying. That's super common at the beginning of a new relationship where it's like, you know, like you're trying to really click. And so I think in a male, female, new relationship it can you know really be like for the guys like Hell yeah, I want to give, like, let's do this.
And she's like, oh, I really want us to click. I don't want to seem complicated. I don't want to make him have to do that. let's just move it along to intercourse because that's like that's what we're supposed to be doing anyway and so it's like you're you both have these like i don't know good intentions i guess like wanting it to click like sure that's a good intention it's often
But, you know, doing it by like sacrificing what it is that you actually want, that's not the right way to do it. Yeah, so it's like, you know, your partner had a good intention, you had a good intention of like wanting to be giving. And then the message you receive is, oh, okay, maybe I shouldn't do that. Yeah, I mean, it's a prime example of why, you know, a lack of communication about sex can lead to so many misunderstandings. Like, your partner might be over there thinking, like,
yeah, this is what my partner wants, like to not even offer. It just stresses him out when I offer. And you're over here thinking like, God, my partner like really doesn't ever want to give to me. So now I'm going to feel self-conscious about receiving. It just turns into this huge mess. Yeah, and I feel like you've had so many clients, you know, back in your one-on-one practice where it'd be like,
you know, you, and multiple years in, you got to this impasse and there's like all this resentment built up. Like, Oh, like how come he never goes down on me? And then you start getting into the history of it. And it's like,
oh, there's actually a really clear reason why this happens. It's sort of this dynamic that both of you inadvertently created and then created all these stories about that built and built over the years and now it feels like this big heavy thing when in reality like you both kind of played a part from the very beginning So here's what we want you to know.
Your partner wants to give you foreplay. Like your partner wants you to feel pleasure and we want you to feel good. They enjoy making you feel good and you deserve to receive. So the foreplay guys themselves do make receiving a lot easier because we teach you the most efficient and sexiest strategies for getting each other off and for being comfortable and enjoying yourself along the way.
And this is the first of the brand new bonuses that we are adding like literally right now to the foreplay guides. is a bonus all about getting comfortable,
Because this is going to be a real struggle. Oh, yeah. I mean, that... was the original inspiration here like there were so many women messaging me sharing with me all the different ways that it feels hard for them to receive and I just like started popping off like I want to do you know let me give them this tool and this resource and all that so it's an entire bonus just about getting comfortable receiving, allowing yourself to take in that pleasure. So one tip that I wanted to share here is
that sex is not about giving each other exactly equal amounts of time or effort. I think a lot of us get in our heads about this. Exactly. Of like, oh, well, you know, when I give my partner a blowjob, he only takes a couple minutes to come, and then... you know, and then he's going down on me and I have the stopwatch in my head of like, okay, well, it took him three minutes before he had an orgasm. And now I'm like, okay, it's two minutes in and like, I'm just getting started up to 30.
like oh we're getting close to the cutoff hmm I'm not sure I'm there yet okay three minutes oh god this is like the play-by-play here yeah the play you know make it a little more realistic yeah and this is this is the thing that makes women feel like we're too much it's like oh he's easy he's so fast like so
I'm only allowed to take up exactly as much time that he does as well. Let me let you in on a little secret. Ladies, the reason why he's so fast is because he has trained himself from the time he started masturbating as a teenager most likely. to be very fast so it is not like he is easy is that he has fine-tuned his body to be very fast and that's his
He did that, not you. That's also a whole separate episode of like things that we're doing wrong about masturbation. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a big one. So he's not thrilled about how quickly he takes. But anyways, yeah, like what I was saying originally is sex is not about like that we are only allowed to have exactly equal amounts of time or effort. So the comparison that came up for me is like, like let's say I tell Xander like hey babe I'm gonna cook dinner for you tonight
And then he comes into the kitchen and I just put this like half done meal in front of him. And I tell him like, well, you know, you cooked dinner last night and it only took you 30 minutes. So I only took 30 minutes this time. It's like, no, that's not the point. Like the point is to give each other this experience, the experience of having dinner made for you.
not the experience of like exactly 30 minutes. So the next time that you find yourself in the moment feeling self-conscious about how much time you're taking up, just imagine this dinner example, laugh at the idea of like, Your partner's serving you up this like, half-cooked pasta or like They leave all the vegetables on the...
stovetop and you don't actually get anything on your plate like that's it's not the point yeah if you offer to make dinner for someone it's like hey i want to make you dinner and you choose the thing that you want to make and it takes as long as it takes like it's because you want to give something And the other thing I want to say about struggling to receive is that if you struggle to receive in the bedroom, chances are that you also struggle to receive in other areas of your life.
So by tackling this, like once you get comfortable receiving in the bedroom, you're going to feel comfortable receiving in every other area of your life. And that can make a massive impact. I mean, we talk a lot about how. how we show up in the world affects how we show up during sex and vice versa. Sex isn't this
compartmentalized thing that happens in a vacuum. Like these dynamics come up all over the place. So imagine how different your sex and your life could be if you got comfortable receiving. Okay, let's move into the number four thing that we are all getting wrong about foreplay. You are not giving your partner any feedback. Oh, zing. So we have talked before about what we call the fucking fairy tale, which is like the fairy tale version of sex that we see on TV and the movies and in porn.
And in that fucking fairy tale, like literally think back to every sex scene you see on TV and in the movies, like you never see people giving each other feedback. of like saying what they want or asking for something or even simple things like could you go a little bit harder or a little bit to the left like so it gives us this idea that
If we're really compatible or if we're really great in bed, then we should just magically know how to please each other without any communication or feedback whatsoever. Yeah, I mean, at best, all you ever see is like a, Was it good for you? And the answer is always yes.
yeah and you're yeah i know right so yeah so then it's like what you got in your head is oh okay well the answer is supposed to be yes so if anybody asks me was it good for me i have to say yes and therefore i can't give any feedback or possibly ask for anything else because now i've
showed my partner that, well, whatever they just did, that was great for me. Yeah, so as we've been having these conversations on Instagram over the last few weeks, like we have gotten so many DMs from people complaining about their partner's technique. Like things like, I hate how slobbery he gets during oral. She uses way too little pressure and he's not even on my clit.
And we were asking people like, okay, have you told your partner this? Does your partner know this? And like nobody was sharing this feedback. And I just think that's so unfortunate, like to be in the moment, just not enjoying the experience, but also not willing to guide your partner to share it. Like, obviously you're not going to say,
hey, you really suck at that. That's not the only way to give feedback. And of course, that's not anything that we would ever recommend people do. But just to be not enjoying an experience and not saying anything, it just sucks. Yeah, I mean, and then also to be like, oh, like my partner sucks and like, not being able to take any responsibility for your part in the situation too of like i'm not saying how how would i expect my partner to get any better without
having any knowledge that what they're doing isn't the right thing. And I think we've probably all had experiences of being on the other end of that, where You're like trying so hard to pleasure your partner, but you're not sure if they're liking it or not. And they're just not giving you anything in return. Like it's demoralizing. It really sucks.
So here's what you need to know. The fucking fairy tale has lied to you. All those sex scenes you've seen on TV and in the movies are completely unrealistic. And it really is each of our responsibilities to share feedback with our partner. If you want to have a pleasurable experience with your partner, You need to be willing to tell your partner and talk to your partner through having that enjoyable experience. Your partner cannot be expected to be a mind reader inside or outside of the bedroom.
And in our foreplay guides, we know how hard it is. Look, like, let's just be real. It is challenging. It feels scary. It's anxiety provoking to think about like, oh, now I have to give some feedback. Now I have to say something. So we designed the foreplay guides with feedback in mind. And we really tried to build the feedback process
into the guides themselves. And that's because we show you a bunch of different techniques. And then we talk about how to give each other feedback about those techniques. We talk about, you know, ways that you can vary a given technique. So it's like, hey, like what, what do you like this way? Do you like that way? Do you like this technique? Do you like that technique? Yeah, I think the really important distinction here is that as you work your way through the foreplay guides,
You are actually giving feedback about the guides, not about your partner. I think this is so powerful because it's so hard for us to separate the two when it's like, you know, it's like, oh, hey, I don't love it when you, you know, I don't know, do this pressure. And it's like, you're not actually telling the person, hey, you suck at this, but that's so often what we hear. The reality is it's like,
Hey, it's about the pressure. It's not about you. So you're getting all these new techniques to experiment with and this process for how you experiment with them and explore them. And so you're giving that feedback about that process. So it really... like takes away so much of the vulnerability of the feedback you're not having to worry about like your partner's feelings being heard or
your partner thinking they're doing this magical secret technique on you that you actually really don't like. It's like you're just talking about the guide. So it just makes the whole process so much easier. I mean, I remember even when you and I were creating these guides and like experimenting with so many different techniques, like
I felt this freedom to share feedback with you in a way that I maybe never have before. And like, I feel pretty confident giving you feedback and like, you know we've worked so hard on our communication but like just being able to talk about the guides and like separate you know what you're doing from the guides themselves it just yeah it opens something up for me and i know that it can do that for other people too
Also, if you are in the situation where you're just not enjoying what your partner does, like the foreplay guides are going to teach you a ton of different new techniques. So I promise you within all the various techniques that we have for each thing, like there are going to be some things
that you like and all you need to do is say hey this one I love it and also I just want to quickly mention this is another area where we're creating a new bonus for it as well because giving great feedback like it does require some amount of knowledge about your own body first, like understanding like what feels good to me and what does good even feel like in my body? So there is another bonus.
all about how to orgasm from foreplay. So this is going to be especially powerful for women. And again, just a bonus that's only going to be available during this brief time period. All right, let's bring it on home with the number five thing that you are getting wrong about foreplay, which is that you are not enjoying it.
foreplay has the potential to create so much pleasure but most of us just are not enjoying it as much as we could be So whether you're somebody who just straight up does not like it, maybe you don't feel comfortable giving it, maybe you don't like what your partner does, so receiving it doesn't feel very enjoyable. Or maybe you're somebody who like, it's not awful, but it's not like feeling very exciting anymore. Maybe it started to feel very routine, very predictable, like
We can all be enjoying foreplay so much more. Even if you are somebody that doesn't have any complaints, like there are still new ways to enjoy foreplay even more. So this was another thing that we pulled over on Instagram and we actually asked it in this way. We said, do you feel like foreplay is boring or awkward or even just like feels kind of forced, then 62% of women said that it does and 33% of men do.
And we also asked like, what are the reasons why you're not enjoying it? And we've covered so many of those already in this episode, stuff like, you know, feeling like my partner doesn't actually like giving it to me. So it's not fun for me to receive. feeling like it's just something that we do very quickly as this means to an end before we move on.
this discomfort with receiving with just not allowing ourselves to like take in pleasure, you know, so many different things, so many different reasons can feed into it. But Again, the bottom line is so many of us are just not having as much fun with foreplay as we could be having. So if you're not having as much fun as you would like to or as you think you might be able to with foreplay, I think this is what you really need to know.
The fucking fairy tale, it did it again. It lied to you. Like foreplay, it isn't this perfect or effortless thing. I know how attractive that idea is. can be that like, oh, my partner's just going to do it and know exactly how I want it. I'm never going to need to say anything. It's just going to be easy peasy, effortless. But the reality is that it's not. Foreplay is something that
We have to learn. We have to learn the technique And we have to learn which of those techniques are actually super enjoyable. for our partner because there is no such thing as being universally good and bad i think that we want to be good and bad we really want to like just know how to please anybody but the reality is it's not just about technique it's about the technique combined with that communication.
what does your body enjoy you know like each time you start over with a new person it doesn't matter what technique you already think you're really good at you know the technique is important but What's more important is, is this new person going to enjoy, you know, which techniques are they going to enjoy? So it's just all about thinking, you know, looking at it from this like learning mindset, like the learning is never over. Each time you're with someone new, it's about figuring out.
which techniques they enjoy and you know in your current relationship it's like hey what are some new techniques we can learn what are places that we could get better at technique or better at communication or better at just figuring out what's going to bring us each the most pleasure. Okay. So I want to offer a tip here to like make this feel a little bit more practical. Cause of course, like when we start talking about like, Oh yeah, just what do you like? Like,
That question can feel very overwhelming. So if you've ever been asked that question in the moment, like, what do you want? Like, you've probably had the experience of feeling a little bit like you're in the headlights. Like, I don't know. Like, what are my options? I don't know what to say. So we do not suggest using that question with your partner. Like just don't ask them, what do you want or what do you like? It's too big of a question.
So instead, we have a little technique that we call the compare and share, which is that you try out two different techniques and then ask your partner to tell you which one they liked better. So this is a technique that you have to talk about ahead of time. You can't just really spring it on your partner in the moment because it might be a bit confusing. I mean, you can try, but we would suggest like, talking about it beforehand and saying yeah let's let's try that out and see how that goes so
Try one thing for a minute, then try the second thing for a minute and ask your partner, like, which one did you like better? So this works really well for a couple of reasons. Like as the receiver, it just makes the decision so much more clear. Like you're not having to tell your partner, here's exactly what I need or exactly what I want. Here's this itemized list of exactly how to pleasure me. It's like you're just picking from one of two options, which
generally feels pretty straightforward. And then as the giver, like you're getting really valuable information about what your partner likes and you can like keep using this technique to hone in on what seems to work the best for their body. All right. So that is all for today's episode. That was a good one. It was. Remember to check the show notes for links to grab your ultimate foreplay guides and get that bonus package before May 14th.
And we will be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then.