We're telling people to do those little things that like we all know we should be doing, but we're not doing them. But they do make such a big difference. Having that quality time where you're asking each other interesting, meaningful questions rather than just getting your phones out and putting on the same old Netflix show. It's taking that time to make eye contact with each other.
to have non-sexual touch, like give each other kisses, to hug each other. Those things really do make such a big impact. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience. And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step-by-step technology.
Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. sex education you wish you'd had. Today, we are going deeper with a few couples. So a few weeks ago, we did something brand new for the podcast. We had voice notes.
from couples like walking us through what's going on in their relationship, the challenges that were coming up, the questions that they had. And our initial plan with that episode was to do three couples. We had three different sets of voice notes. And we ended up having so much fun with that episode that we just did one.
I mean, we gave so much value. There was so much to talk about. Yeah, no, we had a great time. We got into the middle of it and we were like, okay, well, we could try to speed through this one and get to these other ones. Or we could just like... do this one the justice that it deserves. And we did.
So now we got some more. Because I think there's just something so unique about being able to hear someone's voice as they're describing an issue. We've shared a million stories from our community, but it's us reading it versus somebody in their own voice. kind of stumbling over the words and feeling awkward and you hear the emotion behind the story that they're telling. Yeah, it means more when it's in their own voice.
So we asked you guys, you know, did you like this episode? Do you want to hear the other two stories? And we got so much feedback from people saying like, please do it right away. Like we want to hear it. That was so great. So we are back today with two more stories from two real couples. Also, I just have to say I am definitely riding a high from yesterday. Yesterday, we had our very first. live session with our deeper community, which is our membership for couples.
And Vanessa and I did a lot of what you're going to hear in this episode, but for a lot of people, we took a lot of questions, did a lot of Q&A. Vanessa and I would give our response. We'd ask people for more detail. And we had such a good time and someone gave me the nicest compliment. It really, it really lit me up.
Do you want to share? Yeah, yeah. Do you want to share? Do you want me to read it? Yeah, it was really sweet. You just want to hear a compliment about yourself. Xander, you are not an ordinary dude anymore. You are an awesome sex coach now. Yeah, that felt really good to hear. It felt really good to hear. On the one hand, yeah, I am the regular dude. I'm also a regular dude who's been doing this.
doing this for a long time. And yeah, it feels good to, you know, I think it's sometimes it's easy to undervalue your own value. And, uh, yeah, it feels good to be able to, it feels good to really be able to shout for people and help them. I'm glad to hear it. That made me happy. It makes me feel more comfortable continuing to coach people and continuing to try to make a difference in people's lives. Well, let's keep the fun rolling today. Yeah, let's do it.
But first, we are going to do our review of the week. So if you haven't heard reviews, help us. so much, whether that's a review of the podcast on Apple podcasts, or just a DM letting us know that you're loving one of our courses letting us know like how it's helping you out. So we read a review aloud at the beginning of every episode. And if this is yours, you've won. All you have to do is DM us at Vanessa and Xander on Instagram.
or email us at info at vmtherapy.com. We will hook you up with a free masterclass. And if you want to enter yourself into the review of the week giveaway, all you have to do is leave a review on Apple podcasts for pillow talks or DM us.
Let us know if you've purchased one of our courses. Let us know how it has changed your life or your relationship. So this week's I wish I found you sooner. The good news is I'm here now. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. I've been married for 18 years. My oh my, would this podcast have saved a lot of crying myself to sleep at night? For the first time, I don't feel broken as a woman who loves sex. Now I know my husband and I just speak very different languages.
Stress has truly zapped his sex drive. And of course, me making him feel bad makes it worse. But now we have the tools to work with. You've given me hope that our sex life can be exactly what I wanted it to be. My husband is eager and open to learning and listening as well. I've already sent this podcast out to more women than I can count. I truly feel this very podcast will save many marriages. Thank you again. Happy tears running down my face.
Oh, that's a really sweet one. That is. Thank you so much. And thank you for sharing with your friends, too. It's incredible to hear. i hate to break it to you but you are probably clenching your teeth at night i'm definitely clenching my teeth at night We both do. Most people don't know though, but so many people grind or clench their teeth at night and it can lead to a lot of problems, jaw pain, headaches, even damage to your teeth, like eroding your enamel, leading to broken teeth.
So the solution to protecting your entire head is a mouth guard. But the problem is most mouth guards from the dentist can cost you around $500 to $800. Yeah, I know all about this. I've been through so many mouth guards. And so many of them were so uncomfortable, which is why I went through so many and they cost so much. And it's such a pain because you're like, this thing is not comfortable, but I just spent so much money on it. Like, what am I supposed to do?
Now the good news is that there is Remy. Remy makes dental grade professional quality mouth guards without the painful price tag. They're up to 80% cheaper than what you'd pay at the dentist and you don't even have to visit a dentist office. So we got the kits in the mail. They're super easy. You just make little impressions of your mouth. We are both on a teeth straightening journey right now. So as soon as we're done with that, then we're going to be ordering our Remy kits.
checked out the kits and they just are super, super easy to use. You just send them back in the mail and then they will send you your custom fit guards. And there's a 45 night satisfaction guarantee so you can try it risk-free. sleep better, and decide if it's the perfect fit. If not, Remy has got you covered. Remy is for anyone dealing with nighttime grinding, clenching, or jaw pain who wants an affordable solution to protect their smile and say goodnight to jaw pain and headache.
Head to shopremi.com slash pillow and use code pillow to save up to 50%. That's 50% off at shopremi.com slash pillow with code pillow. Give your teeth a break without breaking the bank with Remy. Thank you, Remy, for sponsoring this episode. Alright, so let's get into our first submission. So initially, this woman sent over a little note. She said, I saw your guys' story on IG and I thought, what could it hurt?
I don't know how much info you're looking for, so I'll keep it short. My husband and I have been together nine years, married for six. We have a good sex life, but I'm craving more, and I know he wouldn't hate a little extra spice either. I'm just not sure how to get us there. We've tried toys and aren't afraid to experiment with new things. I just think we're unsure of how to communicate it to each other, or we're not even totally sure what we want to add or change.
I've started noticing myself thinking about sex and pleasure more often and wishing I enjoyed it more or that there was more excitement with it. Open to any help. Okay, so once we got that note from her, we sent her back a message asking her to record a voice note answering these questions. And we did this with the second couple too. Tell us about the intimacy in your relationship overall. Tell us about an average sexual experience.
What problems or issues do you have with your sex life? What do you want to change? What have you already done to try to fix things? And what does your ideal sex life look like? Okay, so here's the voice note that she sent back. hey my name is here are some hopefully pretty quick answers to your questions So my husband's and my intimacy in general is decent. I think definitely could use some work. I think we've fallen into over the past nine years of being together.
you know, the sitting on the couch and both being on our phone situations, the falling asleep without. really snuggling in bed or being close other than just being in the same bed next to each other. I'm coming and going from shift work. We've both been working shift work for about 12 years now. So I think it's just a lot of like crossing paths, sometimes feeling like roommate.
We do have two younger kiddos and so that can also kind of interfere with things. But when we do take the time to... either plan out or make time for intimacy, whether it's sex, a date night, sitting next to each other on the couch and not being on our phones, those sorts of things. There definitely is still the passion and love and connection there. It just feels like that's more few and far between or more rare of occurrences.
I think an average sexual experience for us, oh, I'm totally going to out my husband here. I mean, honestly, it's really quick. It's... Sometimes a few minutes of foreplay at best. If it's like a really crazy night, we've gone out, we've had a couple of drinks or something like that. um you know it can be maybe a little more extended some additional toys thrown in there but for the most part it
Maybe some brief touching, if you want to call it foreplay, will end up having sex. It's very brief at best. And I feel like a lot of the time I'm left wanting more, to be honest. And that's pretty much it. I mean, sometimes I'll finish myself at the end. Sorry for the TMI. But yeah, I think more of our average sexual experiences are pretty quick.
with some left to be desired. Problems or issues we've had in our sex life, I think how fast things end has kind of been a common theme for us over the years. I think in the beginning of our relationship, we both were afraid to communicate our wants and needs to each other, especially related to sexual intimacy. And I think that... gotten better as we've tried to communicate over the years.
But I think it's almost like we're not exactly sure what we want out of it or what we'd like to change. And so that may be something we look for help with as well. I think we both want... more or maybe want things different want to explore more and be more open to different things we could do or try or anything like that I just don't know that we know what we want what i personally i'll speak for myself would like to change is
like passion more heat more like throw me up against the wall and uh like I want him to crave me I want him to come home at the end of the day and be like I can't wait to have sex with you I can't wait to lay next to you those types of things. Now, again, we've been together almost a decade and I know those.
things kind of tend to fade or become more distant and all of that but i think here and there it's definitely something that i would love to see come into play more often so things we've done to try to fix things again we've gotten much better at communicating
about our wants and needs or maybe what we think we want or need. We've incorporated toys or similar objects or things like that that we've kind of started to experiment with a little bit. I think there's just also a lot of... unknown or um again maybe just not knowing what it is that either of us wants out of it ourselves and so it's hard to ask our partner for that
um my ideal sex life I kind of explained again kind of the hot and heavy or craving or passionate but also maybe I'm unsure about what I would like that to look like And then I don't really think I have any other questions for you. I will cut this short because I think I am just. jabbering on at this point but I hope this helped and answered your questions thank you
So interesting. This is actually the second time I've heard that voice note, you know, in its entirety. And I think actually the second time I've heard it, I'm thinking a little differently about this one. Okay. i so here's what's really interesting to me i think that Like she definitely knows a lot of the little things. Like at the very beginning, she's talking about like.
stuff that's missing, like some of the passion. They're not touching each other very much. They're kind of like sitting on the couch separately when maybe they could be doing other things that might be building their connection or kind of bumping up the passion. So it's like she knows all of that stuff.
she then she's talking about a lot of other things though that are missing some very key important things like but i think she's she's not putting that much value on i think what the most important part is and instead she's she's saying all these kind of bigger things that she wants, like, oh, she would like more passion, more variety. But what I'm really hearing in this, what I think is really missing is They're not having very much sex, it sounds like, and the sex that they're having...
at least with the activities that they're doing, the routine that they're in, it goes very quickly. And I suspect it ends up not feeling very fulfilling to her. And for him, I would imagine there's probably some level of embarrassment or shame about how fast It is going and feeling like he's not really able to satisfy her. I think men can really get in their heads thinking like my penis is.
solely responsible for giving her the pleasure and once my penis is done we are done and it's easier i think for a guy because i've done this for a lot i did this for a very long time it's easier to just kind of shrink away and be like, oh, okay, yeah, all right, I guess we're done. Shrink is a funny word to use in this circumstance. Literally to shrink away and kind of bury your head in the sand rather than approaching it head on and being like,
hey, this isn't feeling great for either of us. Let's set my penis aside, literally, and let's think about how we can make this more fulfilling for both of us. And I think that he's probably gotten himself into a bad pattern of like, he is worried that he's not going to last very long. So of course, he's not approaching her with a lot of passion. Of course, he's not throwing her up against the wall, because he probably feels like.
You know, by him initiating, it's like, or by doing anything out of the ordinary, it's like he's trying to, he's trying to like write a check that he can't cash. because he is worried about his performance. So it's like, I feel like we got to figure out the basics for them, which is how do we get her feeling more fulfilled? And how do we get them into a different routine? where sex can last longer, whether that's intercourse or intercourse plus.
Yeah, I agree with you on that. And then I think a lot of the other stuff will naturally come. Or that's something that can be addressed now. But I wouldn't try to address like, oh, how do we add all this new stuff until we get the basics down? Yeah, I think so often people jump ahead to the new stuff because we hear that advice all the time, like you just have to spice it up. I mean, I think she literally said like spicing it up in the original message that she sent over.
So our minds go to that so quickly. Like, oh, we just need to like do some new things. Which is good advice. Yeah, it is good advice. But oftentimes we go to that instead of thinking about the basic stuff. too and I think that it's really that foundational stuff that's missing like I would guess that the way that they used to have sex at the beginning of their relationship versus the way that they have sex now
there's enough of a difference there that if they had just gone back to, let's bring back some of the stuff that we used to do that we've been neglecting doing rather than thinking we have to add all this new stuff. Yeah, and also... I think the other thing, the other challenge that we have is whether, you know, if one person is perhaps having a performance issue and so the intercourse isn't able to last very long or the entire experience isn't able to last very long because you don't have.
a different routine that you can do or when one partner isn't feeling fulfilled whether it's because of a performance issue or just like they're not having consistent orgasms It can be easy to jump ahead and be like, oh, we just have to bump up the exploration and then maybe the other problems will get solved. And I hate to say it. Exploration won't solve. Yeah. Pleasure problems. Like exploration is meant to take things up a notch, but you have to be like.
at the right level first for you to be able to get to the next level. You can't skip over like, Oh, okay. Yeah, we just start exploring all these things. And then Oh, magically, I start having orgasms all the time from like the stuff that we were doing before that wasn't working for me. Yeah, there's a funny comparison coming to mind for me. It's like it's like you're cooking.
And you keep trying to throw in all these crazy new spices. I mean, that's what I'm thinking of is keeping it spicy. You're like, oh, let me get the like... Now I'm totally blanking on a unique spot. It's like a, let me get the cumin. The fenugreek. Let me get the fenugreek. The bear beret. I was actually going to say bear beret, but then I didn't know how to pronounce it. And I, my God. The vaudevan. Vaudevan.
And you've just forgotten about the frigging salt and pepper. It's like the salt and pepper has to be there. And then you can add the Berberet. That's great. I wasn't sure where you were going with this. I was going to give a different one, which is like you're like, oh, you know what? Like I'm... Like I'm not very happy with the meals that are coming out when I'm cooking. So I have a good idea. I'm going to go buy like the Thomas Keller.
french laundry cookbook and start cooking these like you know three-star michelin recipes but you don't actually know the basics of cooking. And you're like trying to follow this recipe. And you're like, what the hell is this technique that they're referring to, right? Like, it doesn't make any sense to jump ahead to the advance.
when you don't have the basic, the fundamental or the intermediate, so to speak. Yeah, absolutely. And that's not to say that these guys don't know what they're doing. I feel like they are going to get this down really fast once they make a couple of small changes. Well, it's interesting too, because I feel like there's also a similar pattern with the emotional intimacy in their relationship too.
Like she says right at the beginning of the voice note, you know, we've fallen into the bad patterns. We're not you know, we're sitting on the couch on our phones. We're not having any non-sexual touch. And it's like she knows that those things are important. but they're not doing it. And again, it's a sense of like, well, I just, you know, we need to do something new. We need to like find some different way to feel connected. And it's like, no, just do the things.
that you already know work, that you already know are impactful for you. And that happens so often in relationships. I feel like a lot of the advice that you and I give... It's very basic stuff. Like we're not rewriting history. We're not doing rocket science. I don't know. Rocket science. There you go. It's not rocket science. We're not coming up with rocket science here.
we're telling people to do those little things that like we all know we should be doing but we're not doing them but they do make such a big difference like Having that quality time where you're asking each other interesting, meaningful questions rather than just getting your phones out and putting on the same old Netflix show. It's taking that time to make eye contact with each other.
to have non-sexual touch, like give each other kisses, to hug each other. Like those things really do make such a big impact. I also would not be surprised if potentially if this guy is perhaps avoiding a bit of emotional intimacy because he knows The more emotional intimacy we have, the more she's going to want to have sex with me. And I think that there's probably, he's probably having some worry, some self-consciousness about his ability to really be ready.
It's like this weird self-fulfilling prophecy where like... avoidant of being intimate because he's probably a bit embarrassed about you know about one how long he lasts and two like how much he's able to fulfill her and so he avoids it and so more time goes by before they do it And so when they do do it, of course he's unprepared. Yeah. So it's like we get into this cycle with performance where it's like then we avoid doing it so we don't have very much practice.
doing it and so that when we do do it we get really excited and it's like it just it spirals and spirals and so i do think that it would be beneficial for him to maybe think about hey let's I need to get some more reps under my belt. Like, yeah, let's try to get as many reps as possible, because very often that can help with, you know, I'm not saying not premature ejaculation. I don't know what is going on, but just like not lasting for very long.
That can definitely help. And then the second, the biggest and most important thing, because she's really explicitly said this here, I appreciate that she's saying she'll often finish herself off. So it's great. I'm so glad that she's having an orgasm. Like that's really good. i totally understand she's i think she's saying i don't want to have to be the one giving myself the orgasm afterwards all the time that's not to say that that can never happen like hey sometimes sometimes that happens
It's like she's got to think about, yeah, how does she want to have an orgasm? How does she want him to contribute to her having an orgasm? Does she want it to be during intercourse? Does she want it to be before intercourse? And then you start working backwards. Okay, so what do we need to do? If he right now is not lasting very long and she would love, say,
10 minutes of like focus stimulation, whether that's manual oral or intercourse or a combination of those, then okay, let's work backwards. You know, okay, you're typically right now you're lasting about a minute. So let's get like nine minutes of something else happening first. Like it's really simple. Just like kind of.
Going backwards, step by step. Okay, what do we need in order to get me what I need? And I know that can feel a little awkward at first because we're so hardwired. Just be like, okay, yeah, intercourse. That's the thing that we do. Set the intercourse aside and just focus on like getting her to have an orgasm before you do, regardless of the method. And that will ultimately take so much pressure off of him. So it's like the more prac, the more rep.
is going to be helpful and the more that he can take all the pressure off of his penis that is going to give him so much more confidence and often once we have forgotten about like, oh, okay, great. I already gave her an orgasm. I don't have the pressure on me. All of a sudden, most many, many men will start lasting much longer.
And they will want it way more. They will want sex more. They will want to engage in emotional intimacy more because they feel confident that regardless whether this leads to sex or not. I know that I can fulfill my partner and I can have an orgasm too. And I don't have to feel embarrassed afterwards. Okay, so in the first episode that we did about this,
We were going through, we have our five keys to everyday intimacy. It's our main framework. It's what our deeper membership is all like built around. And so we were talking about the specific key that we think. each of the couples needs to focus on first. So with this couple, I think it's key.
which is pleasure. Yes. And exactly what you said. I think if they're able to prioritize her pleasure, like not only are we going to make sure that she's enjoying herself more, but we're also going to help him build the confidence. while he tackles his performance issues. He will also enjoy himself more. I think it's easy to be like, oh, well, he's already have an orgasm one way or the other. But having a shameful performance-related orgasm...
I will say from experience, it's not fun. Like, yeah, it's a kind of a burst of pleasure, but it's tinged with shame and embarrassment. And that is not how you want to be having orgasms. Even if, even if you still don't last for very long, being able to have an orgasm knowing like, Hey, I just get to have at it and enjoy my orgasm. Like he is going to be enjoying himself so much more too.
Okay, so a couple of resources to point out here. We do have several different Pillow Talks podcast episodes about performance issues. We don't know exactly from the question exactly what he's dealing with. But you can search for performance issue, Pillow Talks performance issues. And there are a number of different like episodes with free resources and tools to help you figure out how to overcome those. We also have our ultimate foreplay guides, which we will link in the show notes.
These really walk you through exactly what to do to please each other with your hands and mouth. They're so much fun to explore together. So confidence building. Yeah, this will give him all the tools he needs to bring her to orgasm. or bring her very close to orgasm before they move on to intercourse. And those ultimate foreplay guides are available as part of Deeper, our Couples All Access membership. You get access to all of our guides, resources, tools, on demand, whenever you want.
And we'll also lead you through the five keys. So for them, I would start with pleasure. And then I would go into emotional connection because there's some ways to like.
you know keep that spark alive between the two of them keep that connection going and then i would go into exploration yeah i have a feeling once they get the pleasure thing taking care of those other two are going to fall into place there's going to be a minimal amount of work in each one i think both of those those things are just going to start happening naturally
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for 40% off best-selling sheets, towels, pajamas, and more. That's code PILLOWTALKS for 40% off. And if you get a post-purchase survey, let them know you heard about Cozy Earth right now. Sleep better with Cozy Earth. Okay, let's get into our second story. She initially wrote in, I'm a 34-year-old mother in a long-term relationship with my high school sweetheart. I've embarrassingly never had an orgasm, not on my own or with a partner.
My current partner has been my only penetrative sexual partner. My lack of an O isn't from his lack of trying. He'd spend all day trying if he could, but I find that I get embarrassed or just feel uncomfortable with the attention on me. he'd have sex daily, whereas me, I'm honestly fine without it most of the time, maybe like once a month.
But while we're doing it, I always find myself thinking, this is fun. I don't know why we don't do this more. Classic. Any regular listener of the podcast knows what that means. Having a five-year-old, of course, hasn't helped us in the world of being able to have more sex, but we try and figure something out. I'd love to learn how to have an O. I think that if I could do that, maybe I would be more open to more sex.
But as of now, it sometimes just feels like another chore I need to get done. Okay, so we sent her back the same questions we sent the first woman, and here's the voice note that she sent us back. It's a little weird for me, so I'm just going to act like I am sending a voice memo to my best friend about this, even though my best friend... And I would never talk about this at all, ever. So I wrote a note to answer all your questions. It sounds a little rehearsed because I wrote a note.
Um, so yeah, I'm just going to read it. Okay. So intimacy are in our relationship. I assume you mean non-sexual intimacy because I sent that other email about sexual intimacy. So I'm going to answer it about that. Non-sexual intimacy is good. It could be better. I have a hard time personally initiating intimacy. Growing up my parents were not my I didn't grow up in a very like touchy house and the only time I ever saw my parents show each other intimacy.
was if they had gotten into like a fight and um my dad was like trying to calm my mom down so i think maybe i kind of have like some sort of negative connotations with intimacy in that way. We do, however, hold, we hold hands, we cuddle occasionally, hug, kiss throughout the day. Like, you know, he'll come up to me and I'm like cooking dinner and kiss my cheek or whatever. And we kiss each other goodbye. It could be better for sure. It's definitely like.
You know, you know. Also, part of me gets worried that intimacy could lead to sex. And sometimes, like, I really don't want that. So even at the end of the night, if I want to cuddle... I think I have like a fear of like going for it because I don't want him to think like, oh, she's open for sex because like at the end of the night, I'm usually not, I'm usually tired and drained. So yeah.
Oh, and also that I have a five-year-old daughter and she needs to be on top of me at all times. And so at the end of the night when she's like asleep and we're together, sometimes I'm just like, I don't want to be touched. And he, I think, has a harder time. Our average sexual experience was so weird. Lately, we have been doing more.
Because after the stress of the day of I work full time and my mom, we have pets, we have, you know, a house to run and everything. And after all that stress throughout the day, at the end of the night, I really just like don't. I just want to like turn on a trash TV show and I want to not have sex. Um, so we do morning sex usually on the weekends. It's like our, the best time for it for us. So I guess I don't know how deep to get into it, but it's usually right when we wake up in the morning.
We pretty much do no foreplay. And I think he would do foreplay. I think he would happily do foreplay. But I feel very awkward or weird or embarrassed about having the attention. I kind of like freeze up, I think. I don't know. So it's only usually like a few minutes of some hand stuff to like get it ready. And then we just kind of go right in and it's just over when he's done. Yeah, it sounds, I feel like it makes him sound bad.
Like, it's not him, you know, the, I don't know, the typical stereotype, but it's not. I think he would want it more. He would want it different if, if it were up to him, but he respects my. discomfort and is understanding and, you know, I still enjoy it. Like while we're having sex, I'm enjoying myself. It's about, so it's just me. It's my issues, I think. I'd love to change things. I think mentally I need to change. I need to shift something mentally. I need to feel comfortable.
We've had talks about how to fix things throughout the years, like I said in my initial email, that we've been together since high school. And so we've had a lot of... fights about it and attempting to make things better and you know trying like oh let's have sex every day for a week even when like I don't want like let's just do that to kind of like break the mental barrier I'm kind of facing I think
Uh, and it's never really worked. Uh, he's bought sex toys for me for, for Valentine's day one year he did because he thought like maybe that would help. I'm just uncomfortable with that. I think too, I'm really not sure what my ideal sex life would be because this is kind of all I've known for penetrative sex, penetrative sex. I did have like... partners in the past, but we never did anything. We never had penetrative sex and I never had orgasm. I think I would love to be confident.
I'm confident enough to say what I want or do what I want or just take charge in the moment of what I want to do. But whenever I think of something, I kind of like shut myself down and tell myself, no, don't do that. Um, or even knowing what I want at all. Sometimes I have trouble with that. Like, I don't know what, I don't, I don't know what feels good for me. I don't know what works for me. I don't, I don't know. I'd love to be able to have an orgasm someday.
But I think a lot of that has to do with the confidence, the mental confidence. Oh, man, I was taking so many notes as I listened to that one. This is a good one. This is a really great one. This is such a common situation. Okay, first of all, I want to loop back to the, this is fun. I don't know why we don't do this more. This is a little something called responsive sex drive. Most people do not know that there are two different sex drive types and they boil down to where we feel desire first.
in our heads or in our bodies. And most people have no clue that responsive desire exists, but about 75 to 85% of women have it.
And it is a classic, classic sign when you are saying in the middle of sex or even at the end of sex, like, this is fun why do i never seem to want this that is a classic sign of responsive desire so we have a totally free quiz that helps you identify what your sex drive type is what your partner's type is and how to work together to have the kind of sex life that's going to work for both of your sex drives because...
If you're like the vast majority of couples, you guys are different types. It just always tends to work out that way. So we will link that. That's totally free. We'll link that in the show notes for you. But it's definitely something that every couple needs to know. Every person needs to know what their sex drive type is. She also mentions another extremely common dynamic.
that we talk about all the time we actually coined a term for it we call it the bristle reaction which is when you tense up when your partner tries to touch you because you're worried that they're trying to get it to lead to more so that was exactly what she described she's kind of avoiding that intimacy with him because she doesn't want to give him the wrong idea or like make him think that it is going to lead to more.
But unfortunately, what happens when we do that is it's a really unpleasant reaction to have in the moment, both as the person having it and the person receiving it, too. getting in the way of them having that connection like if you start pulling away from touch then you only reinforce the pattern that you and your partner only touch each other when you want to have sex or immediately like in the lead up to sex or during sex. And then it often leads to worse.
sex because the partner who finally is allowed to touch goes, oh my God, this is my chance. I've been waiting for this. And then often things go a lot quicker or a lot more on their terms because they're thinking, oh my God, at any moment, this possibility could disappear. I got to get it done. Like we got to do it.
So we have a podcast episode specifically about that. It's like what the bristle reaction is and how to stop it from happening. Definitely recommend checking that out because I'll give you a little spoiler alert. What we actually want to do is have more non-sexual touch. We want to break that relationship that touch is supposed to lead to sex or touch always leads to sex.
I really do think in this case, we're going to talk about the orgasm part in a moment. But I just want to also kind of tag that where... I told of course in her situation. she is bristling because the sex that she's having is not particularly enjoyable to her and she's responsive so she's not thinking about so it's like this double whammy of like
She's not thinking about it. And even if she does start thinking about it, she doesn't have a particularly positive association. There's not like a carrot for her in it, right? And so, of course, she wants to avoid it. Um, absolutely. It's worth looking, understanding the bristle reaction and figuring out what you can do to help it. But I am really curious to know if we, you know, if we can solve her orgasm problem.
how she will feel about non-sexual touch in general, because her perspective might all of a sudden shift when all of a sudden she realizes, oh, orgasms are available to me whenever I want them.
Okay, she also mentioned feeling touched out. Another super common reaction. A very real thing. Yeah, I just want to tag that we also have a podcast episode about this. Like if you're a mom or a primary caretaker and you have... a child or another being that is relying on you for survival, that is like clinging to you, touching you, grabbing at you, literally on your body all day long, it makes perfect sense.
to feel touched out it's like your body is just done with touch it's like filled with touch you cannot take anymore and that makes it really difficult to transition into being a partner, like into intimacy again, because your body just feels so full and so over it. It's like, I just need.
more time and space for myself. So that's a great podcast episode to listen to if you just like feel like, you know, I'm being touched all day long. I can't have another human needing something from my body. And the general solution to... being touched out is, is not, you cannot force yourself to go from, okay, I've just been touched, touched, touched, touched, touched by my kid or my kid. and then immediately into, okay, now it's time to touch my partner. You have to give yourself a break.
And, you know, of course, what you do is going to depend on what you really need or how much time is available to you. But even just like. shutting yourself in a dark room depriving yourself of all this extra sensory input just shut yourself in the in a closet as crazy as that sounds shut yourself in the closet for a minute And just be quiet and alone and just breathe. Like, but... If you have more time, go for a walk. Do something on your own.
And try to strip out all the extrasensory input and just relax, focus on nature or maybe some meditation, something like that. to just give your body the chance to reset because it will Okay, is there any better endorsement of one of our podcast sponsors than us buying the product with our own money, which we just did with Good Wife? Good wipes elevate your everyday hygiene with premium wipes that deliver a superior clean that no dry, crumbly toilet paper can match.
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I get that she's saying like her part, she's like, it sounds so bad. I really like my partner is genuinely a really good guy. Like he would do, you know, foreplay. He would touch me more often if he could. But it sounds like the main issue that's coming up is... she's really struggling to allow herself to receive that attention. And I think that she has it a little bit backwards too. When she says, oh, you know, like I don't, I'm making my partner sound bad.
What is underlying that is this assumption that It's his job to know her body better than she does. That it's his job to bring her to orgasm, that she's not a part of that journey. So I think that that is like one big misunderstanding. The reality is it sounds like he does really want to give her an orgasm. He's doing everything he knows how to do.
and even more and like he's tried other things he's even trying to get sex toys you know unfortunately he doesn't know what else he can do he's tried all these things But the answer to that question is it's not his responsibility to know your body better than you do. It is your responsibility. get to form a relationship with your body and begin to understand what brings you pleasure and then bring him into that
And help him get to know your body, too. Yeah, because she clearly said in her initial message, like, I've never had an orgasm. And she says also she's really embarrassed about this. So I just want to normalize. This is so common. So many women have never had an orgasm or maybe have just been able to have them on their own, but not with a partner. I was actually in that boat myself for many, many, many years. So I get the embarrassment that comes up. I get the fear of like,
Am I broken? Is something wrong with me? Am I the only woman in the world who's going through this? So I just want her to know that you're totally normal. It is okay. Unfortunately, as women, we are just not set up for success in this arena. We get so much. like sabotaging of us connecting to our bodies and feeling pleasure but you're totally right like i've coached
thousands of women through having their first orgasms. And what I have found over and over and over again is that it is most important for the woman to learn how to orgasm on her own first. and then bring her partner in on the process. I know that
Like a lot of women are like, I just want to skip ahead. I just want to like do it with my partner. I don't want to masturbate. I'm in a relationship. Like I just want to have them with my partner. But I also don't want them to focus on me for too long. Not going to happen like that. Yeah. But like we really like.
This is our body. It's our experience of pleasure. And even if it feels... kind of bothersome and annoying right now I promise you that the experience of learning how to make yourself orgasm is so empowering so exciting like it's not something that anybody should miss out on yeah i mean honestly it took me a decent amount of time to learn how to bring myself to orgasm when i was like 13 years old like it took
probably like months and months of sort of like, like I knew what masturbation was. I heard about it. I didn't have a primer on how to do it or exactly like what the outcome was. Like I knew what ejaculation was. mostly in regards to pregnancy. So it's like, well, I think that that is supposed to happen. But I'm like, not entirely sure. But I know like, you know, I know like boys masturbate and like it's supposed to feel good and playing around and
You know, it took a number of months before, you know, and honestly, I was like scared to have an orgasm the first time. I didn't know what was going to happen. So I just want to say that that's so normal. The thing is, is that the vast majority of men are going through that process When they are like starting to hit puberty. And for most men, it's been so long since that happened.
that they don't even consider they forget like you know it feels like oh well i've just been masturbating forever like i i forgot about the fact that it took me so long until you know until like we were talking about you know, finishing school and, you know, Vanessa's course on female orgasm and stuff. And I was like, Oh my God, like, I went through that too. It was just that I went through it at 13, not at like 23 or 33.
Well, and that's because like as women, we're socialized to believe that we're not supposed to masturbate. I mean, obviously, masturbation is something that, you know, it feels pretty taboo for pretty much everyone. But women in particular, it's like. There's more of a, oh, boys will be boys kind of vibe. Whereas women are like, oh, you are not supposed to do that. Like good girls don't do that. That's gross. That's icky. That's bad. And so we grow up.
not exploring our own bodies and then we get into relationships with partners and it's like you know, my God, I feel like now I'm having to catch up on this entire lifetime already that I've missed of being able to explore my own body. So I really want to encourage her to explore her own pleasure first. And I think that could also be a nice way of...
Coming back home into her own skin. We talked about that a little bit with like being touched out. Yeah. And having a bit of time to herself to explore like. What feels good in my body? What do I enjoy? What do I need to get myself there? So we do have a free guide on this. It's called The Best Way to Have Your First Orgasm.
We will link that in the show notes as well, but that would be a great starting point for her. Then at that point, I think the next thing to explore... is allowing herself to receive so she's saying like yeah my partner wants to focus more on my pleasure but like I'm not letting him or I let him do it for like a couple seconds just to get it ready
Which is not really foreplay. So we have a podcast episode all about how to allow yourself to receive in the bedroom. That was one of our earliest ones. I think it was episode 17. Very early in the days of pillow talks, but there's some great advice in there about getting more comfortable, allowing yourself to take up that time and attention. Yeah, I think that that learning how to receive is so important. And that's actually another thing I think that is a little backwards.
She has something backwards in what she's saying and wondering like, oh, well, if I could just be more confident. then maybe I could have an orgasm. Then maybe, if I could be more confident in initiating something, then I could know what I want. And it's actually backwards. That confidence will come once you know how to orgasm, once you know which things, which techniques, which parts of your body bring you the most pleasure.
Then it becomes natural to, oh, yeah, I'm going to initiate you doing the thing to me that brings me all of this pleasure. And that's where the confidence. is going to come from yeah like don't push yourself to initiate random things that you don't know are gonna you don't know if it's gonna work for you or not let's figure out exactly what's gonna work for you yeah and then
Then if you're still finding yourself struggling with initiating or taking control, then we can talk about that. But I think that will happen so much more naturally when you have that clear, oh, I do this. then orgasm happens. Like then it's so much easier to say, hell yeah, give me that. Okay, so going back to our five keys framework, I realized we forgot to go through the keys the first time around. So the five keys are communication, connection, desire, pleasure, and exploration.
And we created this framework because we know like when you're struggling with your relationship, it kind of feels like there's just. so many things to do so we wanted to help couples hone in on what's the key that's going to have the biggest benefit for you right away where yes we can always be working on all five keys but if we like start with the best bang for your buck
then the other things will fall into place a little bit easier. So for this couple, I think we're actually at the pleasure key again. We're another pleasure key. That's key number four. desire would probably be the second one for them to go to. Also connection because she did talk in the beginning about kind of having you know probably the way that she was raised like
feeling like it's hard to have physical affection with her partner, because understandably, she associates it with her parents fighting. And so I definitely think there's some work to be done there on being like, hey. We can connect physically in a non-sexual way. everything is good between us. In fact, everything feels better between us when we do that. But yeah, I would definitely focus on let's help you learn how to orgasm first.
But definitely you called out a really valuable thing, which is that connection. I think being aware of that connection is the first thing, but then you've got to get really intentional about, okay, I see this pattern. Now, what am I going to do to consciously break the pattern?
So to reiterate, I think focusing on the pleasure, then let's get into the desire. And I would start with the best way to have your first orgasm freebie. And then next go into the how to allow yourself to receive in the bedroom. But if you're in a similar situation and you're like, I just want to dive in. I really want to tackle this orgasm thing. I want to learn how to have them once and for all. Then we will also link finishing school for you. That is my female orgasm class.
Thousands of women have gone through it and had their very first orgasms on their own and with their partners. And it is such a comprehensive course. It really covers like all the different aspects, physical, mental, emotional, the relational, the sensual, like everything is in there. It's such an amazing class. All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week. We release new episodes every Thursday.