I recently discovered masturbation. After years of purity culture, it has been freeing to finally feel like I can discover pleasure without feeling like it's a sin. I went through my partner's phone because he follows lots of young women on Instagram and he likes to talk about women he knows during sex. My husband gets very upset every time I have to travel and makes me feel incredibly guilty for leaving him to care for our kids while I'm gone. I set up everything, schedule, meal prep.
alternate pickups, childcare. Am I the asshole for wanting to have a few weeks a year to really focus on my career and get to see the world? Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience. And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step-by-step
techniques for improving yours. Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. We are back today with a fan favorite series.
Am I the asshole? So first, we got to give credit where credit is due. This trend emerged from Reddit originally. There's a whole subreddit all called Am I the Asshole? A-I-T-A. But we thought it was such a fun idea. We thought...
what let's bring it over let's use this format as well and so we've done specific am I the asshole episodes around like in-laws and holiday drama that we decided this time around let's just open it up to a general like am I the asshole in any context any situation are you generally an asshole so
Is that what the title of this episode is going to be? Yes, are you generally an asshole? Basically, the whole concept behind this is you share a challenging situation that you're finding yourself in that's leaving you wondering, like, am I the asshole in this situation? Am I in the wrong?
On me, am I the problem? Or is somebody else? Yeah. Or everybody else. The other person, maybe your partner. The world at large. So we posted this on Instagram. We got a lot of great stories and we are going to dive into them today. We're talking about things.
like masturbating, journaling about your past relationship, going through your partner's phone. So this is going to be a fun one and also a really great one to listen to with your partner. This is going to be a great road trip episode or just driving.
doing some errands, like listen to the prompt, pause it, and the two of you share your thoughts and then press play and see if we agree with you. It's just like a great one to open up some conversations with your partner. But first, we ought to get into this week's review.
the week and review of the week what the hell is that you might be asking well we do a little giveaway every single week if you hear your review read aloud that means that you've won and the reason we do this is because reviews are such an important way for our podcast to be able to grow and for other people to find out that we are an awesome podcast. So if you hear your review read, then you win. All you have to do is DM us on Instagram or email us at info at vmtherapy.com and we will.
hook you up with a free masterclass. So here's the winner forever grateful, favorite podcast. So forever grateful for Vanessa and Sander, this podcast, their courses and everything they do. I first found Vanessa when she was on armchair expert and then immediately been. all of the podcast episodes from the very start.
Now I continue to look forward to each weekly airing on top of getting their content daily through their emails and their Instagram. Not only have the podcast been immensely helpful for my sex life, but also my relationship as a whole, helping us connect more physically and emotionally. years in with my husband their courses are incredible as well and highly recommend everything they do love and appreciate their down-to-earth relatable open and honest evidence-based content
I have and continue to learn so much from Vanessa and Xander. Heart. Wow, that's a great review. Thank you so much for that. I heart that review. And if you, I know they mentioned our courses. If you do not know about our courses, if you've never checked them out. We have a ton of really fun ones and you can just go to vanessaandzander.com and find all of them there. All right, let's get right into it. I will read the first one.
I recently discovered masturbation after years of... I'm sorry. And I'm 14 years old. Nope. No. That's just so innocent and pure. I love it. I love it. This is a great start. This is a great start. We're not, we are not, we are not laughing at you to this, to this person to be super clear. This is, this is really sweet. Especially once you read the rest of the story. Okay.
I recently discovered masturbation. After years of purity culture, it has been freeing to finally feel like I can discover pleasure without feeling like it's a sin. Hell yeah, we love this. My husband who grew up in it and shares the same... He likes to get into the details and asks a lot of questions. While I do sometimes enjoy sharing with him, his constant questioning about
the last time I did it has started to make it feel like an interrogation. I do not feel like I should have to tell him every time I take care of myself and how I did it, etc. I feel like it kills the excitement and pleasure for me. While I don't mind... sharing with him sometimes because it also brings me joy to see him get turned on. Sometimes I just want my time to be between me, myself, and I. I do not use it as a way out of sex, but as a way to discover myself. Am I the asshole?
for not always sharing xander what do you think If you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you know that I have been using OneSkin products for months and absolutely loving what they are doing for my face. Today, I want to tell you a little bit about OS1.
eye did you know that the skin around your eyes can be 20 to 30 years biologically older than the rest of your face it's up to five times thinner too which makes it more vulnerable to things like wrinkles sagging and cellular damage so that's why OneSkin's founding team of scientists created OS1i. It's designed specifically for this ultra-delicate eye area and has the highest concentration of their proprietary OS1 peptide, the first ingredient scientifically
to reverse skin's biological age. I've really been loving this eye cream. It's just a joy to use. I can totally see the impacts around my eyes and I'm so excited for you to get to try it as well. Founded by an all-woman...
team of skin longevity scientists, One Skin is redefining the aging process with their proprietary OS1 peptide, the first ingredient proven to help skin look, feel, and behave like its younger self. Get 15% off with code PIL- at oneskin.co that's 15% off oneskin.co with code pillow after you purchase they'll ask where you heard about them please support the show and tell them that we sent you invest in the health and
longevity of your skin with one skin. Your future self will thank you. I'm just going to come in hot and say no, you are absolutely not the asshole for not always sharing. I do think it's really awesome that your husband enjoys this. And he's obviously super supportive of this. I think that he's over... Is he the asshole? It's hard to call him an asshole. I think that it was hard to call him an asshole yet.
i think that this merits a conversation about like hey i love that you love this and i love that this turns you on that's totally normal and sexy that my masturbation turns you on And I do love talking with you about it sometimes. It does feel like the frequency with which you're asking me about this is starting to impact my own ability to enjoy.
my own masturbation so like i think that it's time to talk about like maybe i don't know taking down the number of questions that he asks about it it's a that's a tough thing to navigate but what what do you think about that I mean, I think these are two people who are coming out of purity culture, having this incredible exploration and realization that we can explore our own bodies. It doesn't have to be sinful. I think he's coming at this.
from a really pure and sweet place. It's like, oh my God, I don't want to be embarrassed about this anymore. We can talk about it. It's super sexy to me. I think he's being really supportive and he's getting excited and maybe like a little overly excited, but I don't. I don't blame him. I don't think he's doing anything wrong. And I appreciate that he's so curious about it and so turned on by it. So I.
I really want to be careful about not dampening that and also not dampening her exploration because that's also an amazing thing. So yeah, I think that this could merit a very gentle conversation where I would say something like, This is so exciting for me to be exploring masturbation for myself for the first time. And I'm so excited that you're excited by it too. It's really turning me on. It just feels really fun for us to free ourselves.
from all these beliefs that we grew up with. And at the same time, I think... Sometimes. OK, so here's what I do think is I think probably the questioning feels a little bit much because she's still grappling with peeling back the layers of the shame. So I don't think it's necessarily that he's like.
you know 20 questions like where did you do it and when did you do it and how did you do it and what would it feel like then what happened next like i think probably he's just asking a couple questions but she's still like
feels weird because i feel like i've you know been told my whole life that it's a sin so i would present it in that way and say like what i'm noticing is i love when you ask me questions and i love when we want to talk about it it really turns me on and sometimes it it still is bringing up a little bit of that shame for me that I spent my whole life feeling that I'm really trying to unpack so maybe we could talk about it like a little bit less
as I get more comfortable with it. I would present it more as like, this is my shame and embarrassment rather than getting on him for saying you're asking too many questions. One other idea that I just had is like, this would only be if... this sounds okay to you, the person writing in, is you could say, hey, I'm totally fine with and encourage you to ask me, when was the last time you masturbated? Because obviously, he gets a zing.
out of that like he's asking because he thinks it's hot it's something that turns him on and gets him excited so but i think that what is coming up for you is that it's like the you know the amount of questions like he he is asking when was the last time but then he's also asking like how did you do it what was it like all these things and you're saying that's starting to feel like an interrogation so maybe it could be like hey
If you ask me that question and I'm like open to sharing more details about it, or maybe I did something particularly notable and I do have more details to share with you, then like I will share those details with you. when you ask me, but it, you know, it, it's very often, or sometimes that, you know, sometimes the masturbation is just like a quick means to an end. I'm just like getting it done. And I don't really have any.
specific details to share with you and so i would love for you to respect you know the to respect how much i want to share with you or something like that where it's like you know i'll you know i'll give you a simple answer but like if i don't give you more like please don't drill down on the question
I don't know. I just I don't think I would want to criticize him for asking questions, knowing that they're both coming out of this purity culture place. Like I want to I totally understand what she's saying that she's like, I kind of want to keep a little bit of this to myself, which I think.
She's absolutely within her right to do. You get to have a relationship with your own body, with your own pleasure. You're not an asshole for wanting to have a little bit of that to yourself. But I'm also feeling really sensitive to not making the husband feel like he's doing it. something bad or wrong when this is like just the beginning of a big change for them yeah so what i would do though i think that there's a sexy way to kind of play with it where maybe if he's saying like
Okay, so first of all, if he's saying like, tell me about the last time you did it, just tell him about one of the times. It doesn't have to be the last time. If you have a time that you want to keep to yourself, you don't have to share it with him. Just tell him a different time. Or if he's asking like,
You know, tell me the last time you did it. You could be kind of sexy and be like, oh, well, that time was just for me. But maybe I'll tell you next time. If you're a good boy. Yeah. I mean, play into it. Play around with it. Or like... Yeah. Or, oh, well, why don't you tell me about your last time? Or maybe I'll show you next time if you're good. You should do both of those things. Like ask him to tell you if he's exploring his own masturbation and you should definitely explore it together.
We have a whole podcast episode about that mutual masturbation. I have a feeling that he might really enjoy doing it with you. If he is liking hearing about what you are doing, what better way better do.
see it than to just hear about it yeah so i think you could be kind of like playful and sexy about it too also i would venture a guess like you said this is you you guys just discovering this i would venture a guess that within the next year the frequency with which he asks these questions will naturally decrease as it becomes less
sort of of a taboo feeling thing. I think that, you know, often once you start doing something new that still feels taboo, like, I mean, you have to kind of work through, be like, oh yeah, like you lean into the taboo nature of it, right? That's how we first come out of.
like shifting from like shame to taboo with a little bit of a zing to like just everyday normal stuff that doesn't really have any layer of taboo or shame because yeah for for you know i think the ideal is that masturbation doesn't feel like it It definitely doesn't feel shameful. It doesn't even feel taboo. It just feels like this is something that people do. Yeah. And I think that that will happen soon, likely. Yeah. Yeah, I agree.
okay i gotta be honest it is such a joy to get to read this ad for you because i love this company so much and that is hungry root they are the most incredible I don't even want to call them a meal delivery service because it's so much more than that. It's like having your own personal shopper and nutritionist all wrapped up in one. Who also delivers your meals and groceries to you with instructions for exactly how to cook it.
And meals that are made in like 15 minutes or less. They're like, it is so freaking fast. We have enjoyed using Hungry Roots so much. Not only do we get these incredible meals, it can be made so quickly, but we can buy snacks. can buy our groceries we can get ideas and inspiration and brand new really cool brands we can sort by gluten-free or like all different kinds of diets it's it's really something I like I said I don't want to just call it like a meal delivery service because it's so
much more. We really think you're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. Take advantage of this exclusive offer. For a limited time, get 40% off your first box, plus get a free item in every box. Go to hungryroot.com slash pillow and use code pillow. That's hungryroot.com slash pillow, code pillow to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. Hungryroot.com slash pillow, code pillow. Okay, here's our next one.
We had been together for over six years and about a year ago, he was in a play and rekindled a friendship with a female. We started struggling and he went to her for everything. They were texting all the time and I told him I wasn't comfortable with the frequency and him sharing about our marriage. another female. He said I'm controlling and wouldn't stop. They were even talking about sexual books and her new sex life after her divorce.
Just seemed inappropriate to me. He finally stopped when I was ready to divorce because of it. Now, if she reaches out or her name is brought up, he gets annoyed. I'm not allowed to ask questions, even though he broke boundaries multiple times with her. Just emotional, not sexual. Am I the asshole for seeking some closure on this topic? Okay, so many thoughts.
I kind of want to answer the like, am I the asshole just about the female friendship thing? But it seems like we're beyond that. It's now we're kind of talking about the aftermath of this. She's no longer. Well, let's let's go back to it. I think that the topic. of opposite sex friendships or even same-sex friendships. Different sex friendships? Friendships with...
The gender that you tend to be attracted to. It's such a mouthful to say it, but like if you're attracted to other men, friendships with men. If you're attracted to other women, friendships with other women, whatever. Friendships with people that you could potentially be attracted to. It's obviously such a landmine. a topic and I think it's something that there are no hard and fast rules about in general I think it's something that every couple needs to decide for themselves
For me personally, I feel uncomfortable with the idea of like, let's use our relationship as an example because you're attracted to women. I feel really uncomfortable in our relationship making a rule that you're not allowed to be friends with women. And I think that actually...
you being friends with women is a good sign like that you can have friendships that you can have that kind of emotional connection that you can have other women in your life like I think that's a really good thing I hate that I think most people would say like I don't want my partner you know i wouldn't want my husband being friends with other women i think most people would say that and i think that's really a bummer
That being said, I also understand that there are a lot of friendships where boundaries get crossed, lines get crossed. And this one is kind of like...
Oh, I would love to hear from the husband because I'm not totally sure. It sounds like the wife here, she was just angry about him being friends with another woman, period. And my guess is that she may have been reading into like... a little bit of stuff but at the same time she says like he's going to her for everything so maybe there is this sense that there's like a little bit of emotional cheating going on but it sounds like things ratcheted up like first first it's like
first it's like okay we're having problems in our marriage and this person is now the first person that my partner is going to i don't think that's a bad thing no no i know but so so for but i'm just saying first that is happening so that's the context in which everything is happening so I'm not saying it's right but I can understand that there's sort of this frustration where it's like
Because also it's like they've just rekindled a friendship. So yeah, maybe I don't know the history of like where they super close a long time ago, but I can see the perspective of, hey, this is just this like brand new friend.
or newish friendship that you have and now this is like your go-to person to talk about this stuff that where you know maybe you're feeling some resentment like hey like how come we aren't talking about how come we aren't figuring this out yeah so then there's that but then there's the ratcheting up
of like talking about sexual books and then her sex life. Like, I don't know. It's unclear, but I could see where it's like when you stack all those things up, you start making connections that may not be there. But it does feel inappropriate. Yeah. I mean, it's like if the conversation with her saying like, oh, I'm reading ACOTAR. Man, these books are so sexy. Everybody's reading them. That's one thing. If she's saying like, oh, I read this chapter about XYZ.
z and it's got me so hot and heavy and now i can't get it out of my mind like that's obviously inappropriate but yeah so i'm like i i think that this sounds like it's has crossed over into inappropriate territory but of course like we'd have to talk to him to really know the full story but anyways we're past that point now so now she said the wife said I'm going to divorce you unless you stop. He gave into that. Now where they are at is that she, like whenever this friend.
reaches out or her name is brought up, the husband is shutting it down and saying, don't ask me any questions. I don't want to talk about her. And so this wife is wondering, am I the asshole for this? I kind of think, yeah. Like if you said, if you gave him that ultimatum, like I will divorce you unless you stop your friendship with this woman. He gave into that and said, fine, I won't be friends with her anymore.
I don't think you're allowed to like keep asking him a bunch of questions about her unless there's like new stuff happening. Yeah. But just going back and rehashing like, well, what was that conversation you had? And why did you do that with her? And why did you talk to her about that? Like that's not useful for either of you. Yeah. I mean, he's probably like, look, you set a boundary. I followed it. And now it feels like.
you're making you're like trying to get me to wade into murky waters like you said you didn't want to you said you didn't want me talking about her but now you're trying to get me to talk about her i could see it feels like a trap yeah it feels like a trap and also like yeah he's allowed to have some
feelings that... like he obviously didn't agree with you about this boundary he did not he didn't agree with your boundary but he decided to abide by it because he clearly wanted to be with you more than he wanted to keep that friendship right and so he's allowed to say
hey, I don't love the fact, I disagreed with you conceptually about whether I should be allowed to be friends with her. I told you that. I don't love this boundary, but I'm going to do it. So I can, he's allowed to be like, So yeah, like I did everything you said. now please don't talk to me about her yeah again i don't you know it it's hard for me like this was something i didn't want to not be friends with her like she was a good friend of mine and now i'm not friends with her and so it's like
You know, it's like rubbing salt in my wounds when we talk about it. Now, the thing that I don't know is like, you know, what truly was the boundary that you set? If it was unclear as to... how much had happened, and you were like, I don't want you to talk to her. And I also need to know all the details of everything that happened as a condition for us not getting a divorce. And he hasn't followed through on that, then yeah, you're allowed to continue asking.
and questions are trying to get closure. But from what you've written here, it sounds like you just said, the boundary is you're not communicating with her anymore and now he's like yeah i did that so we're done talking like this isn't a topic that we bring up anymore the only thing that gives me pause is she said like now if she reaches out i'm like i'm not sure
How often is this woman reaching out? How many times has she reached out? That seems a little strange. And I do think... like if i was if i was the wife i would feel weird if you were being squirrely about that if you were like i don't want to talk about it it's like well at least tell me like when did she reach out what did she say how did you respond i think that that for me it's like if it's something new that is happening, I think you're allowed to ask questions about that.
But I would not say like, I don't think you can go back and say, well, tell me again about that conversation you had or tell me again what she said about that. Like, that's just not useful. Yeah, it's unclear if he had like a proper friend breakup. with her like did he say hey i'm like i'm sorry i'm like i can't talk to you anymore yeah like it's
It's you or my relationship. I'm choosing my relationship. I'm sorry. I wish it wasn't this way. But this friendship isn't going to work for me anymore. I think a lot of people don't. think they should need to or don't want to have a friend break up. It would be crazy to ghost a partner. like, you know, someone that you're married to, right? Or like a super long, I mean, I don't agree with ghosting ever, but like, you know, a long-term relationship, right? Like, no, you have to break up.
and i think if you're gonna if you don't want to talk to another friend anymore or you can't talk to that friend for whatever reason i do think it is on you to to set that boundary with the friend so i wonder if he hasn't done that so i think that Maybe the only closure that you can get here is if he hasn't done that, say, hey, the fact that she keeps reaching out is a problem. And that's one of the reasons why I keep wanting to ask you about this. It's like.
I think that what needs to happen is like you need to tell her like, no, or maybe just block her or whatever it is. Because that seems maybe like the appropriate closure here. Yeah. Did you know that a pillowcase could be the reason why your skin has blemishes and your hair is breaking? I actually just found this out and I was so excited to find out about our brand new podcast sponsor, Blissey.
They make incredible silk pillowcases that eliminate frizz, preserve hairstyles, and protect color-treated hair. Their dermatologist tested and recommended, clinically proven not to clog pores, unlike cotton.
Naturally hydrating silk fibers keep skin moisturized all night. I literally found out about this from a good friend of mine and not a couple of weeks later, Blissey reached out to be a podcast sponsor. So we have tried out their pillowcases and it really makes such a... difference on your hair and skin i get my hair colored i get it bleach the out of it and it's been really dry and frizzy and just all over the place lately and it's been super fun to see the difference that
Literally just sleeping on a pillowcase. It's no effort whatsoever. It's just sleeping has been making on it. We're really excited for you to get to check out Blissey 2. They have over 3 million pillowcases sold and they have an incredible... deal because you are a pillow talks listener they're offering a 60 night risk free plus an additional 30 off when you shop at blissey.com slash pillow pod that's b-l-i and use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your hair and skin will thank you.
Okay, let's move on to the next one. I went through my partner's phone because he follows lots of young women on Instagram and he likes to talk about women he knows during sex. This is reminding me of what was the one a couple weeks ago?
Oh, the husband who wanted her to role play as the best friend? Are these the same people as you? Do we have to even do the rest of this one? Your partner is an asshole if he's talking about other women during sex. Unless you... you are super into this and really turned on by this like we can just stop here sorry i'm like imagining it's it's that it's that guy like he heard the episode a couple weeks ago he's like all right all right fine i'll stop asking about your best friend but i am
Talk about all the young women I follow. You know what? There was a more recent one of the partner talking about her sister. Oh, that's what I meant. That's what I meant. Yeah, the sister. All right, fine. Sister off limits. Instagram thirst traps. Let's go. No, but that's not... He likes to talk about women he knows during sex. Oh, these are not related? Yeah. He's following young women on Instagram.
I feel like he knows them. He's talking about women he knows during sex. Oh, boy. No, he's the asshole. Oh, my God. Okay, we'll keep reading. The question's not over. This is just the beginning. That was one sentence. It's a long paragraph. Okay.
I felt compelled to see what he was doing on his phone that I didn't know about. I found that he had saved sexy pics and masturbation videos from other women as well as a couple of pictures from my diary. This is just this is just getting out of control. There are so many layers to this one. Oh, my God.
I came clean to him about it and he said it wasn't the same thing as cheating, that he had looked at my diary before he asked about it being private so he didn't know. Wait, I love how the diary is just like thrown in here along with sexy Instagram girl. Okay. He didn't know that the diary was private. Okay. Bullshit, dude. And then I was in the wrong because he has asked me to not go through his phone before. So I was in the wrong. We've moved on. No, you should not move on.
I mean, you should, you, I would, I'm going to say you should move on as in break up. Yeah. We've moved on and he says he has deleted all the pics and videos, but he's refused to show me actual proof that he did. I'm trying to trust him, but I just want some confirmation that it's true. Am I the asshole for wanting to see that proof? Fuck the proof. That's what I say.
Move on from the proof. This one's crazy. It's like you're asking am I the asshole about the wrong thing. Yeah. The whole rest of this was the thing. This is an extreme violation. Oh, my God. On a lot of levels. Okay, Xander. Like, I would say. Lead us through this. who's the asshole here i would say like there's so many layers of this and it's like
If it was just any one of these, I think there are a lot of things that you could do to repair and to move on. I'm concerned about the combination of all of these things to be really clear.
I do not think you should have moved on. Let's answer the overall question of who's the asshole just for these behaviors? He is being... like like yeah i mean this is like it's manipulative it's gaslighting it's turning it back around on you like he did a number of things to violate your trust now he's making up a reason why you actually violated his trust and now like turning it back around on you and it's like oh what you don't trust me
Oh God. Okay. So I kind of want to go through the things one by one. So the following young women on Instagram, that is a tricky one. We've talked a little bit about that, but I feel like that might need to be a podcast episode at some point. Thirst traps.
yeah to me this is another situation where there is no objective like black or white right or wrong kind of thing everybody's going to have different viewpoints about this and every couple needs to talk about what are their boundaries and their comfort levels ideally early on in the relationship if you haven't today would be a good day to talk about that yeah pause this episode right now and have that conversation so for me personally like
I don't love the idea of you following a bunch of accounts just because you think women are sexy. Like, I think that that's... A lot of the accounts are really creepy. I think it's objectifying. I'm just kind of like, why? I don't mind that you think other women are attractive. I don't mind us being out in the world and you're like, wow, that woman's so hot. She has such a great butt.
That's totally fine with me. I don't mind like watching movies or TV shows. And, you know, we often have a lot of conversations about that. Oh, do you think she's pretty? I think she's prettier. Like, I think that's totally fine. Just because we are in a relationship doesn't mean you lose your attraction to everybody else. But to me, there is something about like actively seeking out accounts that are going to like for the purpose of turning you on. Yeah. And like following.
specific people that just feels weird to me and it would be weird even if it was like I don't know like some movie star that you were really into that was it was just about her being so hot I'd be like
I don't know. That feels kind of weird to me. Why? Why are you doing that? Yeah, but then again, not everyone is going to agree with that. Some people are going to be like, fuck yeah, I love that. I love that you're getting turned on by other people and you're bringing that sexual energy back to me. This is a relationship by relationship. person by person.
thing that you know everyone's got to evaluate what that feels like for them then what it feels like in your relationship and come to an agreement just like how different people are going to feel different ways about monogamy or about marriage or about having kids
kids it's not just like oh well I think I should be able to do that and therefore it doesn't matter what you think just like you'd be like oh I want to have kids and you don't so I'm forcing you to like no these are conversations we have to have and compromises have to be made or we have to move on because we aren't in alignment from a values perspective.
I have been having some issues with my sleep lately, just feeling hard to fall asleep, hard to stay asleep, which is why I'm so excited to share something that's made a real difference in my life. Beam's Dream Powder. Beam is a healthy nighttime blend packed with sun. science-backed ingredients shown to improve sleep so you can wake up refreshed and ready to take on the day. Dream is made with a powerful blend of all natural ingredients, reishi, magnesium, L-theanine, apigenin, and melatonin.
No artificial flavors, sweeteners, or unnecessary additives. Just clean, high quality ingredients. And seriously, it tastes so good. It's like a delicious hot chocolate. I'm not even a hot chocolate person, but I really like it. And I just feel like I... been sleeping a lot better since I have been trying it. Beam has already improved over 17.5 million nights of sleep, helping people across the country wake up and feel their best. Here's the bottom line. Better sleep equals better performance.
And use code PILLOW at check. That's shopbeam.com slash pillow and use code pillow for up to 40% off. Wake up refreshed, no mystery, just science. Try Beam today. you So then we have talking about women he knows during sex. That is a hard no for me unless you specifically told him that really turns me on. Like if that turns you on, go for it. That's great. I think that can be super sexy in a lot.
lot of circumstances it can be a great way to like play around with fantasies so there's nothing objectively wrong with that but only unless you've told him I get turned on by this let's do that I'm 99 positive that's not the case yeah He's just randomly bringing up like, oh, yeah, Betty from accounting. That's so gross. You should have seen Betty and Janice today. I don't know why I always come up with the worst names when I'm doing.
like fake scenarios so yeah that's not cool saving sexy pictures and masturbation videos from other women what is the context here like he's sexting with other women
Or are these like clips of porn that he's saying? Yeah, like the context could really, really... changed the situation around here like if he's saving if he's texting masturbation videos with other women like totally not okay again unless you guys have explicitly said we are totally okay with that which i don't think is the case since you haven't explicitly mention this. And then we get to the diary, which is like kind of a different, totally different ballpark. But I think...
Diaries are pretty obvious. I don't think someone needs to be told like, oh, if your partner has something that they're writing in and are tucking it away in their bedside, like... Don't go reading shit that your partner has written unless they explicitly say like, hey, I want you to read something. Or at least ask them. At least ask them. Hey, can I read this? Is this public?
Also, he was taking fucking pictures of it. That's the problem. He knew that it was secret. You wouldn't take pictures of something that you didn't think was supposed to be secretive. Yeah, that's the cherry on top for me. And also, I want to know, what the fuck was he doing with the...
pictures i would be concerned that he was sending them to people i mean at this he's violated so why is he sending her diary to other people i mean i mean he's getting like masturbation like he's engaging in all kinds of oh you think it's a dirty diary i thought it was just like deep diary today i had a really nice day but why so why is he taking pictures like that's that's what's happening in my mind like well why is he taking pictures if not to like
exchange those i i don't know but i'm worried given all the other things that are going on but then again i'm like i'm like who cares he's already violated so many things that are obviously not feeling okay to you Where it's like adding one more thing and doesn't really matter. Yeah. Okay. So these are a lot of violations. And it...
It scares me a little bit for you, my dear listener who wrote in about this. Just a little bit. It scares me a lot that there's not any acknowledgement from you of like, these were a lot of foundry violating things.
saying like I'm not sure how to feel about these it scares me that you go straight to like we've moved on so I really want you to go back and like reconsider all of these things and you know maybe make some space for like you're allowed to have feelings you're allowed to have boundaries you're allowed to communicate like your needs and boundaries to him you deserve to be respected
so let's go back then to the central question that she's asking like i want to see proof that he actually did delete all of this you are absolutely not the asshole for wanting to see proof and i really think that you should
Demand that proof. And if you don't get it, walk away. I mean, I would already consider walking away from this relationship. I would not. I cannot in good conscience, based on what you've written here, recommend that you stay with this person even if you do get proof i would say i would say screw the proof you don't need like it that's not going to help you he's he's violated so many things and he's done it in in the way that he has manipulated you into moving on which i'm putting in quotes
The way that he's manipulated you into moving on, turning this all around on you. Yeah, because he actually says you were in the wrong because he asked you not to go through his phone. Yeah, whereas you didn't ask him to not go through your diaper.
like like that's his like that's that's that is crazy yeah that is totally crazy behavior to me so yeah i please break up with this person and i because i will i just Even if he gives you all the proof that you're asking for, I can, with almost near certainty, guarantee you that he is going to continue some or all of this behavior.
without your knowledge i mean he's just gonna get smarter about it i feel like i just want to give our little disclaimer that like of course it's easy for us to pop off on situations we're just getting a paragraph we don't know the whole history we're not hearing any of his side so i do want to acknowledge that there is always more to the story than what we get but yeah I
This is a tough one. This is a really tough pill to swallow. The only way that I would be convinced that, OK, maybe you guys can move on from this is if what you were saying is that he was like, oh, my God, I can see how violating all these things were. I was. I was, you know, I don't know. He gave some explanation for why he was thinking that was okay and why he now understands why that is not okay now and was not okay then and understands.
And really feels like the ways that he violated and hurt you. Yeah. And takes accountability for that. I haven't seen anything about that. And in fact, he's basically just saying, no, actually, everything I did is okay. Now you're telling me it's not OK, so I won't do it. I promise. But I won't show you anything. And, you know, most people in that situation would be like, oh, my God, I have really violated your trust. I need to take.
extra measures yeah to help rebuild that trust and to show you and prove to you that this is not happening he's not doing that which is why i'm saying i'm i'm venturing a guess but i think that i'm right that He's continuing to do this stuff. Yeah. Okay, let's move on to the next one. That one got me heated. All right, moving on.
I started a job after my maternity leave that has evolved and now travel a few times a year for work. My husband gets very upset every time I have to travel. It makes me feel incredibly guilty for leaving him to care for our kids while I'm gone, which is three to five days at a time.
I set up everything, schedule, meal prep, alternate pickups, childcare, everything before I leave, but it still leads to multiple phone calls and guilt trips while I'm gone and after. Am I the asshole for wanting to have a few weeks a year to really focus on my career? and get to see the world.
no no next no you are not this one's gonna get me heated too i mean unless unless you got into a relationship where part you know part of that was we are you know we are agreeing to go traditional gender roles and i'm committing to being at home and not working and doing the majority of the child care i mean even then
you should be able to go away for a couple of days. I mean, like heaven forbid, there's a death in your family and you have to go away. Like the whole family is not going to go. Like whether it's work or some other disaster. Like you need to be able to go away for a couple of days and your husband needs to be able to be a fucking parent.
Yeah, this just feels so ridiculous to me. So I mean, like, yes, you are allowed to have to travel for work. This isn't even for fun. It's not like you're saying like, yeah, a couple times a year, I'm just like going off for funsies. Yeah, girls party trip.
is for work sure maybe there's some part of it where it's nice to get to like be you know just have the bed all to yourself or like be in a different city but like you're going for work and i'm assuming that you're using at least part of your paycheck to support your family so like i i hate that he's making you feel like this is something you're doing to him but then to make it even worse you are doing all of the work here like all of the work yeah you don't need to do all this setup
He's not a child. These are his freaking kids. Like you're just asking him to, it's not even like be a dad because there's literally everything else is all set for him. There's hardly anything he has to do here. I mean, this is me. too topical but like if you were to die in a plane crash like he would need to just become the full 100 parent to those kids meaning he would need to be able to do all those things it's not reasonable to be like
I can't do those and I'm unable to learn how to do them. I'm unable to do them for three to five days at a time. Yeah, this is crazy. So not only are you not the asshole, like I think that you should be able to have.
this time i think you should be able to enjoy yourself absolutely guilt-free but i think you need to rejigger things so he's helping out more with these trips not help i mean helping yeah no i don't use that word he is participating more like he's you're not having to do the schedule and the meal prep and the alternate pickups and the child care and everything else like he can arrange some of those things too yeah i mean i think that this needs to be a real simple and clear conversation hey
I am done with you guilt tripping me. Not only that, not only will you not give me a hard time for traveling for work while I, you know, what I do to, to. further my career and support my family not only that i will no longer be doing all these extra things to make it easy on you you are just as much of a parent as i am and we both need to be able to do these things so from here on out i'm going on the trip and I'm I'm not
setting up the schedule or the meal prep or the alternate pickups, you can do that because we both need to be able to do this. I mean, I wouldn't go in that hot, not for the first conversation. And I do always like to like... I guess I'm getting a little heated about it, but like I do also like to try to give people the benefit of the doubt.
I mean, this one's hard, though, because she's saying he gets very upset, makes me feel incredibly guilty. I think this couple is going to need to have therapy. You're going to need a therapist to help guide you through these conversations. I think if you go in hot like what Xander was saying, it's just going to be a mess. fight like he will not respond well to that
And unfortunately, it sounds to me like you're going to really have to ease your way into this conversation with him in order to get into a good place, which is why I would recommend working with a therapist. But yeah, I think you guys really need to reevaluate and renegotiate. your rules and responsibilities in your relationship here.
Like, I mean, to be realistic, like, yes, even with taking care of everything like you have done, like three to five days at a time when you're the sole parent, that for sure is challenging. I don't want to downplay that at all. I think anybody in that. position be like, yeah, it's really tough to be the one and only parent in that situation. So that is real.
And at the same time, like that is the reality of your job. And that's the reality of partnership that we, you know, we take turns, we take care of each other, we have each other's backs. So there needs to be a new agreement negotiated here because I'm sure there's plenty of things.
plenty of ways that you're carrying the flag for him yeah and hey just throwing him a bone this could it's possible this is a situation where he is just not aware that the things that he is saying are making you feel this way there's it's possible there's some degree of misunderstanding here where he thinks he's joking around and to you you're you're taking it like you know he's really angry and maybe
there's a slight chance that maybe there's a conversation you have about this and he understands, oh my God, I'm actually like, what I am saying is coming off very different to my partner and I need to moderate the way that I talk about this. Maybe. Maybe. I don't think so. Okay. I need to know if I'm the asshole here. My previous partner, an ex, we broke up because he found a journal. Another journal.
Should we do a journal edition? Oh, man. He found a journal, one of those that you write simple sentences about what happened in your day. The journal is meant to record five years of your life. Oh, yeah, there's like one sentence a day for five years kind of journal. Okay, in this journal...
I had recorded years prior moments in a previous relationship from quirky moments to sad and frustrating things. The journal also had the breakup of that relationship. He found this journal one day prior to my birthday. He didn't tell me. He was just off during my birthday. After he told me I threw away the journal to reassure him.
He claimed that I cheated. I need to know, was I the asshole that cheated? Or was I just a person with a history and a journal? I'm happily married with a little baby girl. I just always wondered if in some world this was considered cheating. no what having a life before you were in a partnership with someone oh my god okay so he's an ex thank god
I'm really glad that he's an ex. I don't even understand. What would be cheating about years before you had written down some memories from a previous relationship? This is crazy. The one thing I can think of, which is still crazy to me, but if he... The fact that you kept anything, any sign, memento, memory, even though you can't erase your memory in your brain, which is why this is crazy.
If his perspective was keeping any reminder and bringing that into our shared household or whatever, that that is somehow cheating. I don't think he's crazy enough to be like, oh, the fact that you were with somebody. before we were together is like preemptive cheating on me. Like, I don't think that's what it is. But I think it might be this like the idea that like you're bringing any memory. of it which i i think is ridiculous because you can't erase the memories in your mind
Yeah, that is so weird. Yeah, to me, this one's a pretty straightforward and simple one. Like, you are definitely not the asshole. He's real worked up over.
some journal jottings from quite a long time ago yeah i mean this sounds like a really insecure person and i'm glad that it's an ex because i think yeah you i'm sorry that you got accused of cheating that's that's wild yeah to me but i mean even even you know from the perspective that i just shared that he might be having like no that's absolutely not cheating and again like with journals people
If you see a journal of your partners, hey, I get it. I get it that you're probably curious. I get it that maybe you might want to know what's in there. Ask your partner. Yeah. Ask your partner. Say, hey, I found this. Is this private?
and like you know if they're like oh my god this is this really embarrassing thing like maybe don't ask them about it but if it's like oh yeah it's a journal and like if you're curious like hey are you open to telling me anything about it or you know we're just let people have some freaking privacy i'm allowed to vent in my little journal we don't always have to share everything yeah all right bring us on home with our last one
all right the home stretch my partner started a new job a few weeks in he starts talking with this new breathy vocal fry voice obviously picked it up from a new co-worker i have misophonia which is strongly negative and atypical emotional and physical
logical response to certain common repetitive sounds. And I absolutely cannot stand it. I've asked him to be aware of it and stop. And he just can't. I hate it so much. And it upsets me so much. I pointed out every time he does it, his voice and wave. speaking is completely changing he sounds like a bad actor playing a cheerleader in a 90s rom-com am i the asshole for asking him to go back to his old voice
Oh my God. This one's so funny. This reminds me of how like my iPhone updated and my Siri voice sounds different. And I don't like the new one, but I don't think I can make it go back.
Okay, this one is so funny to me. So I am a person who can be a little bit of a parrot if I spend a lot of time with somebody who has a certain... thing that they always say certain words they always say or phrases or vocal tics like I pick up on them too so I can empathize a little bit with the partner I probably would be doing the same thing but I can also really empathize with
somebody feeling like you like i don't like this new voice stop doing it so i don't think that you're the asshole for asking to be conscious of his voice and like try to speak like he normally because also like i think people's voices are a big part of our attraction to them too yeah that's that's kind of part of the package and if you feel like i don't even
recognize who is this person that i'm talking to that's strange yeah i mean we generally do not assume that our partner's voices are going to change appreciably maybe over the entirety of your relationship as you get older like much older but For the most part, I think year to year, the assumption is that your voice sounds.
the same we do have something like a little bit similar that's been happening recently in our relationship i'm glad you brought it up i was i was i kind of wanted to to bring it up um but uh it's more your thing to bring up than mine I can share. So Xander has started when he's like scrolling through reels.
You have this giggle that you do that I have never heard you do before. You don't do it in... any other context it's just when you're going through reels it's because i didn't used to really watch reels and recently i discovered that it's kind of fun but though my algorithm sucks now and i kind of don't want to no but you don't even do it when you're laughing at other things like we watch
lots of other funny shows or whatever like we have lots of other funny experiences together you don't laugh like that you only laugh like this with reels and it's high-pitched and it's really weird and it gives me the it
It brings me a lot of joy. So I understand this. On the one hand, it's not something that you're actively trying to do. You're not... you know you're not trying to laugh that way and you're certainly not trying to turn me off and I hate that it's bothering me because I know that it's something that's happening in moments when you're feeling a lot of joy and like you know you're being you're entertained you're excited in those moments but i also have such a visceral reaction to it like i
That sound, like I can't, I can't do that sound. It has a real impact on me. So it's a tricky situation. I get it. Yeah. I mean, I've been trying to moderate. It's tough because it's like a... It's involuntary. But yeah, I mean, this is at least that's not like, it's not like something that has worked its way into my voice 100% of the time. Thank God.
The solution is just for you to not watch Instagram reels. Yeah, man. I mean, the only this is just a funny question. Like I like has your partner's voice like does his voice change a lot when he's around other people? It's just like. a brand new thing that's never happened before i'm like this is kind of odd i don't know maybe he could like talk to a speech therapist or something there might be something going on i don't know
It does seem odd that it's kind of out of nowhere. Because I, like I said, I'm a parrot, but I've been that way my whole life. I've known that that's something that I do. But for you, it's more like... Like picking up like a word or a phrase or like a certain inflection on a word. It's not like, oh, your entire voice has changed or your entire accent has changed.
Yeah, I don't think I don't think anyone's the asshole here. I understand. I sympathize with it. And I also yeah, I don't think your partner is trying to do it. And it probably feels kind of weird and tough for him to. Yeah, I mean, I think that maybe you'd be the asshole if it was like, this has to stop and...
I'm breaking up with you if it doesn't. But like. But also she has misophonia. Yeah, I do also understand. I view of misophonia. I mean, this is the unfortunate reality of having that is needing to navigate that with your partner. And, you know, knowing that. sometimes there are things that your partner is going to do that would not bother most people but do bother you and you can't control that so oh yeah it's so tricky i mean you're definitely not the asshole
for this. I think this is just a conversation you guys are going to have to have and figure out what kind of support he might need in order to revert. This topic is just, am I the asshole? I don't think you are the asshole, but I also don't know how to solve this one. Yeah, this is a, I mean, I'm curious if we have any speech therapists or anyone who has had a partner with a... uh with a overnight vocal change i don't know how do you handle that
Yeah. There's always something new on this podcast. I know. Come teach us something new, please. Come on over to Instagram or at Vanessa and Xander and let us know if you have any thoughts on this one because I'm pretty stumped. It's fun to get one where you're totally stumped.
All right. Well, that wraps up this batch of Am I the Asshole? Like I said before, we do have a bunch of other ones. If you like this theme, we have the in-laws one, the holiday edition. So just search wherever you listen to podcasts. You can just search Pillow Talks.
Am I the asshole? Or probably even just asshole will bring it up. And let us know. Just search asshole. Pillow talked asshole. And let us know if there's any other theme that you would love to see us do too. Like a specific. Like my diary theme. Yeah, who knew that we would have two related to diaries? That's so funny. And you can also follow us on Instagram. We're at Vanessa and Xander. That's Xander with an X. We do a lot of fun polls over there. We're always putting up our question box.
prompts to help create these episodes. So we love having people following us in both arenas. Well, that's all for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week. We release new episodes every Thursday.