Episode 36: A Giant’s Monologue

This week at the editorial table, we discuss three poems by Matthew Kelsey, “Confessions of a Giant,” “Giant Gets Adopted,” and “Giant Loses His Virginity.” Matthew Kelsey, at 6’7”, is something of a giant and, as can be gleaned from his poems, is also his own uncle…

 

This week at the editorial table, we discuss three poems by Matthew Kelsey, “Confessions of a Giant,” “Giant Gets Adopted,” and “Giant Loses His Virginity.”

Matthew Kelsey

Matthew Kelsey, at 6’7”, is something of a giant and, as can be gleaned from his poems, is also his own uncle. Kelsey has played the cello since he was 8 years old and is in his hometown’s Athletic Hall of Fame. Some of his writings and recordings can be found in Bread Loaf, Pacifica Literary Review, Poetry Northwest, The Monarch Review, The Awesome Sports Project. A huge fan of puns, Kelsey has given lectures on humor and wordplay in poetry and dreams of some day founding an interactive children’s poetry museum.

Kelsey’s giant series is a well-constructed compilation of tall jokes, spot-on language, and imagery that make these poems come to life. Each evokes feelings of sympathy and compassion, leading us into discussion of the brilliant tension between humor and pain.  The speaker reflects on growing up, facing complicated, struggling to understand himself, and the dread and thrill of a romantic relationship. We find this giant’s monologue to be surreal, funny, sad, and refreshing all at the same time. Oh, and some of us demand a book-length collection from this giant!

Tune in for the verdict! And let us know what you think about this episode on Facebook and Twitter with #GiraffePorn!

 

Present at the Editorial Table:

Kathleen Volk Miller

Marion Wrenn

Tim Fitts

Jason Schneiderman

Samantha Neugebauer

Sharee DeVose

 

Engineering Producer:

Joe Zang

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Matthew Kelsey

Confessions of a Giant

For years I’ve been told to hold myself up, to stand as tall as I am, but the world I’ve come to know rarely seems fitting. I have to take a knee when I piss, duck when I step in the shower. I swear I’ve tried to adjust, but my limbs cross their signals the farther they are from my brain. My legs jerk catastrophically. Even my love is a violence above you all. In order to see eye-to-eye, I must fold on command—look at that hunch in my shoulders from all the talks we’ve shared. When they say I must play basketball, they mean they like to race horses. But there’s distance even in humor: when 4’10” Alison Dow stood near teenage me and bet she couldn’t lick my nipples from there, we never spoke again. I never speak of the weather up here because you don’t have the language for it, and my own alphabet is beginning to wear me down.

 

Giant Gets Adopted

The morning I was adopted, I arrived late to school. It was quarter to noon, I was dressed to the nines, I was my own show-and-tell. “What does it mean, you’re abducted?” Daniel asked. “Adopted, not abducted,” I said. “And I’m not really sure.” I had already lived with my adopted parents for years. “Do you have new siblings?” Emily asked. “Sort of,” I said. “I was adopted by my grandparents, so now I’m my own uncle.” “What?!” some exclaimed. “Gross!” cried others. Everyone looked so confused. I wasn’t sure what to say next, so I thought of what my grandma would say and continued, ” It means my dad keeps the child support he owed, and a co-sign fee for a bill. Also, he’s not allowed to visit anymore, which is good, because I’m too big to hide under my bed.” “Wait,” said Nicole, “You mean you were sold?!” At this point, Mrs. Charles frowned, said time was up for show-and-tell. The students returned to their cursive in silence. I asked if I could go to the bathroom. Later that night, I entered Grandma’s room while she was reading and sat at her feet. “Nothing actually changed today, did it?” I inquired. “Oh, honey. Yes, and you’ll grow to understand how.”

 

Giant Loses His Virginity

I was trying to be romantic. My parents had left the house for the night, so I set a table in the yard. I decked it with flowers, a thank you card, a small branch from my favorite tree, and not just one red cinnamon Yankee candle but three. I stopped just short of fetching flutes for champagne. I was trying to be a gentleman, but wasn’t about to take any chances, so I cooked a five course meal and whipped up two desserts. This was barely enough for me, but tonight was only about my love. Once we put a dent in the food, the time had come. We went to my room. Not having had access to porn, let alone giant porn, and being that I was just too large for the world of birds and bees, I had turned to giraffes for sex ed, for cues on how to begin. “Here,” I said, “please urinate on my bed.” Then I bent down especially low to avoid a heart attack, and brayed, and peeled back my lips. No sooner had my mind begun to wander to the Vegas strip destroyed by 50 Foot Woman Allison Hayes, than it was over. We looked up at glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to the ceiling. I was trying to be sensitive, so I sweetly whispered nothing into her ear.