Welcome to Pablo Torre Finds Out. I am Pablo Torre. Today's episode is brought to you by DraftKings. DraftKings, the crown is yours. And today we're going to find out what this sound is. They couldn't believe we weren't keeping our bush around. Right after this ad. You're listening to Giraffe Kings Network. Yeah, sure thing.
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Oh, my glasses are what I left in my jacket. You're not showing us anything, are you? Undoubtedly. Okay. We get paid of your glasses? No, no, they're in a, like, hidden pocket. How many... What do the other ones do? Uh, don't worry about this one. This is your own voice, the first one. Oh yeah, lots of me, baby. What if I can make it only me and none of them? Can I just not hear them?
I always have it cold in here. Is it too hot? Ooh, they're dirty. No, I just have a turtleneck on. What's your glasses cleaning move? Oh, just rubbing it, again, straight, dry. Is this red? Is this not right? Just real dry. You make it wet? I fog it up. Oh, sometimes, yeah, sometimes. The human body.
has its own Amazon device. What are you talking about? You fog it up. Hold on, I'm going to move. I'm not in my spot. Using the temperature of the human body and then you wipe it down. Its own Amazon device. Is that okay if I do it wrong?
I do everything right. Can I do this one thing wrong? I feel like there are microabrasions throughout the lens. Oh, you're going to have microabrasions like crazy. Yeah, these things suck. You know, I wore broken glasses for three years before I finally was like, I deserve to upgrade these. I just, I don't like taking care of myself. I don't enjoy the act of taking care of myself. Something I think about a lot is...
the invention of the mirror. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Screw that person. And if it hadn't been for that, you wouldn't have to. We wouldn't have cameras. Wait, this is a great question. Do we think a person, there's a person who invented the mirror? As opposed to?
A discovery? A discovery of a thing. Of a thing that had already existed. Oh, I don't know. The thing I think about all the time is, like, if you got a haircut in the year, like, you know, six, would you just have to, like, go down to the lake and be like, does this look good? Be like, no, nobody f***ed.
splash. I want to see what this looks like. And then what if you look at it too long because you're so handsome? What if you look at it too long? Yeah, exactly. And then you're a narcissist. Yes. That's right. That'll echo a narcissist. Narcissus. That's right. Justus. Von Liebig. Found or invented? Is credited with inventing the silvered glass mirror. In what year do you think this was? Eight. Eustace? Teen. German chemist.
German chemist? German chemist. How late is it? I'm surprised. It had to be early. This feels like one of those things where if we look it up. someplace else they're going to be like a Chinese dude invented this a thousand years before. Admittedly, I always have to say this now. This is the AI overview. Isn't that crazy that now more than ever I feel like, well, I should say I got this from the internet.
So God only knows. McGill University has backed this up separately. I'm putting him at 13.05. I think it's like creepy late. But I don't want to be so wrong that it's embarrassing. So I'll say five years after what he said. That's another Jeopardy! This is Price is Right. Get your game shows right. We're not all the same. The Price is Wrong.
1835. That's what I said. Okay, check the tape. I said an 18. I said an 18. You don't get to play with them. I said an 18, and then I was like, what you said earlier, I was like, oh, I feel stupid. There's no way. Damn it, Katie. Believe in yourself. You're telling me none of those people, King Tut, none of those...
had a mirror? No, because I think once we got the mirror, then we got the lens, then everything changed. Like glasses happened and all that. But you wouldn't have needed any of that. Are you doing a Don Draper? Sales pitch for mirrors right now. Yeah, I think. Or maybe they had like reflective surfaces that weren't mirrors. Is that possible? Right. I don't even know what that would be. Let me give you some fine print on Eustace von Liebig in 1835. Okay. A discovery.
by the great German chemist Eustace von Liebig in 1835, made mirrors widely available. Liebig found a way to coat glass with a thin layer of metallic silver by depositing the metal directly by means of a chemical reaction. So when it comes to the question, according to McGill, university's page. How are mirrors made? The answer is Eustace von Liebig, 1835, discovered that s***. Do you think he gets, like his estate gets a nickel every time you look in a mirror? They should.
Every time you look, you gotta send a nickel to Eustace's. Eustace's. I'm glad we covered that. It's something I've been thinking about a lot. I should have made that my topic for the day. Do you have embroidered sweatshirts? Yeah, those are my initials right there. That's some fancy guy s***. My wife got me one, I think like as a semi-joke, and then I wore it every single day. Yeah, man, it's like your own merch.
Yeah. Not available in stores. No. Available in stores. The sweatshirt is, right? I assume you got a sweatshirt. You could probably hire J. Crew to put the same letters on it. Right. Promo code Eustace. Right. Exactly. Interesting. Interesting. Yeah, I'm actually a pretty interesting guy. Kind of a fashion icon. Yeah, well, I'm pretty interesting.
What was the Super Bowl like for you guys? Did you guys? I went to a party. Me too. I haven't been to a Super Bowl party. Not a big one. But I haven't been to a social gathering for the Super Bowl in a long time. Why did you go?
Because I had no reason not to. People that I liked were all gonna watch the Super Bowl together. I think this is coming out of an episode that we did committing to going to parties. Yeah, no, I'd love to go to a party. But years before, I was going to the Super Bowl. You see, I had work.
And then usually I would either go to the game or I would leave because the network didn't want to pay for me to be there for the actual Super Bowl. So I would go watch it like on my way back home somewhere. She would be like in the city of the Super Bowl, but. Or I would be, like, I'd fly home and watch it, or I'd be, like, stuck on a layover or something. Then last year, Dan, like, the last couple years, like, Dan went, and so I was just, like, at home watching it alone.
And then this year I went to a party and I was like, this, it's been such a long time. You miss a lot of stuff, but you don't care. That's exactly what this type of Super Bowl was for, for me. Was like, I don't really care. Gun to my head, go birds, but I don't. Really care. I'll watch the halftime show.
Excited for that, but, like, don't have any high hopes for the commercials. It's been a couple years of being disappointed by the commercials, so I'm not, like, I need to sit down and make sure I see them all. I was like, I'll catch the ones that matter tomorrow when somebody says something about it online. Right. I'm just gonna go watch the game and hang out.
So I have been to a Super Bowl. I went to the Atlanta Super Bowl. It was the Patriots-Rams. It sucked. Yeah, that was a very boring Super Bowl. It was like 10 to 13 or whatever it was. Yeah, I feel like there was a lot of threes in there. Yeah, I remember sitting there. falling asleep during the game and saying aloud at one point, I missed the commercials. Yeah. And the halftime show was okay.
I don't remember what it was. It didn't go like I wanted it to. I assume that Michael Cruz Kane's Super Bowl party is mostly him singing snippets from Maroon 5. It's me with the volume off. I'm telling everyone else to be quiet while I sing Les Mis and the Super Bowl's on. I texted you guys for, I think, what is obvious to anybody who has seen us previously on this program cover a truly insanely developing story.
Yes, about Belichick's girlfriend. Jordan. Jordan. I think it's just Jordan. Jordan. Okay, Jordan. Look at how it's spelled. You're right. I like saying like Jordan because it feels like she's from the Superman universe. Yeah. Kal-El. Gorgon. Jordan. Jordan. I believe that we need proof that she isn't. Right. Based on the rapid ascent. That's right.
In a Super Bowl commercial. Battle of the coffee brand bands. This ain't the Dunkings. Where the hell are Matt and Tom? Forget them suckers. Matt Damon and Tom Brady don't have the heart of a champion. We got a new squad, Dunkings sequel. Afflecks and Belichick. Dunkings!
So this is just Cameo City, right? That's the Super Bowl. That's what the Super Bowl is. How would you summarize the Duncan commercial, the franchise that this now is, I guess, for people who are not seeing this? Oh, I don't know. It's like a Boston Avengers assemble. Ben Affleck is sitting with his brother.
who's wearing a pink Kangol bucket hat. And wasn't the brother removed from public view for a while? He sure was. He's coming back in the Duncan commercial? No, I think he's come back before this and other stuff. But he's here and arguably the better actor. But anyway. In the back, we see Belichick, who cut the sleeves off of his Dunn King's... Orange jumpsuit. Jumpsuit. And next to him, in...
Questionable hair and makeup. I don't know what they're trying to do to Jordan, but it seems like they're trying to make her look like a stereotypical football wife or something, or this is her aesthetic and I'm just not familiar with it. What was your reaction, Michael, when you saw Jordan? I was watching the Super Bowl with my wife, my daughter, and my daughter's friend. Shout out Lupe. And my son was at a Super Bowl party. This commercial came on. I screamed.
That's his girlfriend. And the three women I was with were like, what are you saying? What are you talking about? And every time they showed her, I went, that's his... And I had to explain to him the significance of it. But I was like, he's this age and she's that age. I wish that she was 27. So it'd be easier to remember that he's 72 and she's 27. But she's 24. And so it's like, man, this is the closest.
his age swapped will ever be to her. She's a third. It's an even third. Boom, boom, boom. Right up there. Three Jordans makes one Bill Belichick. The fact that she's here. I mean, I just want to point this out, right? Her being in the Super Bowl commercial with Bill Belichick in this premise where it's like, we're the Boston Avengers and she's just there. Yeah.
It made me very curious. She's from, I thought. She's from the New England area. Again, a former competitive cheerleader. We're like 10 minutes away from her being a quarterback's coach at UNC. She is. She has a ring from a cheerleading... Bridgewater State University in Massachusetts. She's like a baller cheerleader. She's a real good... She won a natty. A natty. Would you say, look, Jordan has accomplished plenty in her own life. Sure. But in this context, and like, why...
How did she make it into the commercial? Well, I could name a way. It set me off on a bit of a mini reporting trail. Okay, what'd you get? Okay, here we go. What I've been told is that Jordan essentially has been functioning as Bill Belichick's... Momager? Momature. Nuh-uh. That is so much better than what I was gonna say. But she has represented herself.
essentially as his de facto agent. The person who you need to go through to book Bill Belichick for a Super Bowl commercial or for the other commitments he has as a multi-platform personality. She's the gateway. And so in this case, what I have been told reliably is that Jordan happened to then use that power to be in the commercial as well. So again.
More power to her, I guess, but she's a momager. Jordan is Katie. I think you had it right. She's Bill's momager. Absolutely good for her. Go get it, girly. You're feeling the phone calls. Yeah. Lord knows what it's like.
being Belichick's one-third of his own girlfriend. Negotiating with the athletes. It's also like you're teaching him the art of yes. He's like in his year of yes, where you're like, listen, I know you don't want to do it, Bill, but I said yes, and now it's a commitment, and now you have to go do it. AD for Brady.
has been outclassed by 24 for, I can't make this rhyme, but for Bill Belichick. I don't know if you saw Charlotte on her podcast, Sports Gossip Show, had like a theory that they were fighting.
that these two are in a fight leading up to the Super Bowl. They think that she's posting to his social media, which would make sense to back up the... I have heard this story as well. And they think at one point in his story, he had just posted like the... the text of a link www.linktree.com slash and it was like the text of that was the story which is obviously not clickable it's not how Instagram works and they thought that Bill made that post so they must have been in some sort of a fight
where he'd be like, I'll do it. And I just think that's interesting in this context of her being his... She wasn't chaperoning that story. This is actually really interesting intel. But I think the point should not be lost that Bill Belichick is doing...
Literally the opposite of what he used to do. Yeah. And I want to be clear in saying that that could... B, I hold space for the fact, let me hold your finger, that that could be, that could actually be that because they're in love and she has changed him as a man and she's taught him about how like to live in the moment and to embrace the opportunities that you have. and that they're like so in love with each other. And it's beautiful. It's beautiful. There is a chance of that. Yes. But.
When you make moves this way, when we're already going, you're how much younger than him? And then you see her show up in a commercial. In the commercial. And then you hear that she's in charge of his career. That's when you go, okay, these are all also the traits of... who would be here for the wrong reasons. I need to see some of the traits that are evidence that you are here for the right reasons. Otherwise, you're acting like the evidence is adding up. It seems like...
you could be taking advantage of the guy. And he's obviously taking advantage of the girl. That's what I'm saying. If they're both there for the wrong reasons, isn't it the right reasons? No, what is the reason? I believe mathematically speaking. Yes, two negatives make a right reason. At what point is it elder abuse, I guess, is the question.
I feel like he has his faculties. He does. He has his wits about them. Sure. For now. Do we agree as a show, as previously established, that we should be able to sit in chairs that are turned the other way, like on The Voice, and listen to— I think about this all the time now. I just want to listen to a chat.
to hear y'all talk. Just talk. Just talk. Just talk. And then we can press a button. Can I say to her credit? I don't know if you saw at the NFL Honors, Snoop Dogg made a joke about her. I've been a football fan for a long, long time. I mean... I remember back when the Cowboys was good. I remember back when the Chiefs was bad. And I remember... What was it? Bill Belichick's girlfriend wasn't even born yet.
He starts the joke before he remembers the punchline. And then he like buys himself some time and then delivers like a little too much time. Like, do you think their relationship is a lot of Bill being like, how do you get the Internet on here? Tell me what the scores are. Hey, can you tell me how to get texts on my phone? Is it always the same driver in Uber or is it different guys? It's like when your dad gets an iPad.
I wish we were in the writer's room for that, for the Jordan material. Yeah, Snoop, if you're looking for writers for the next time you host the whatever that was. The NFL honors. The three of us are here ready to rock. An awards show. I do like that the NFL was like, We need an Academy Awards. So silly. I love it. I love... So silly. I have, of course, a tortured relationship with winning awards in general. We need and desperately crave external validation. And yet... Not me, buddy.
I don't need it from anyone. Nice. That's cool. I'm very comfortable with my own skin. Not a single person. Self-sufficient emotionally and psychologically. And what are you doing in comedy? What's that? Folks, did you know that sleep is one of the most important parts of recovery? Whether you're a pro athlete or just looking to crush your day, getting the right kind of rest is key. And that's where Sleep Number Smart Beds comes in.
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And now save 50% on the new Sleep Number Limited Edition Smart Bed. Limited time. Exclusively at a Sleep Number store near you. See store or sleepnumber.com for details. I wanted to talk about this Elon story. The video game story? You know.
You know I'm fired up. So there are many ways to talk about Elon right now, and many of them are valid, and all of them have to do largely with him now running the federal government and cutting budget to, like, people who need medicine for AIDS. No, he's making it more efficient. Pablo, you just got to give him time. It's going to hurt before it heals. I believe that that is a valid method of talking about Elon Musk, but a more, I think, directly informative and illuminating one.
has to do with this story about video games. I have a lifetime of playing video games. At one point I was... You know, maybe one of the best Quake players in the world. You're actually like a world-class, incredible video game player. Yeah. You're also, with the Paragon board and the build, you're also an innovator there. Yeah, I've played a lot of video games.
If you think about like Starcraft or any game like Quake, any game where a lot of people are playing, to rise to the top, you have to be exceptional, period, as a human being. There has to be something exceptional about you. Are you in the top 20 in the world? Wow, in Diablo.
Yeah, yeah. That's from all my favorite shows. That's right. That's from my programs. Yeah, he claimed to be one of the top 20 Diablo players in the world. The Forest Mage. And he had just become, as of November 2024, the number one player. in the world according to these leaderboards with millions of people on them. He then proceeded to brag about how he then became a top-ranked player in a different game, a game known as POE, which stands for Path of Exile.
Path of Exile 2 in this case. And this got the attention of some hardcore POE players who were like, What's what's going on here? How is the world's richest man who is also running the federal government and is involved in electric cars and rockets and space and hyper fast Internet connectivity? How does he have the time?
that is actually required to get highly ranked in these games. So what happens is Elon goes live. He streams himself playing POE 2. And these people, these streamers who are actual... like hardcore experts and players are watching dude you are not this far in the game and you're running past chaos arms you are not no i'm sorry bro bro Bro, there's no way you are not leaving castles on AC trade. AC trade castles are valuable. This is a board account, bro. He has no idea what he's doing.
He has no idea. He literally has no idea what he's doing. And they see that. And they're like, something isn't adding up. Elon does not seem to know what he's doing. Like, basic, like, menu navigation. Like, I don't know that video game, but watching him kind of walk into Walt, you're like, that's how a person that doesn't play games...
place. The best part is that he's bragging about all of this. He's bragging about how he had this post on X in which he said, quote, so many life lessons to be learned from speedrunning video games on max difficulty teaches you to see the Matrix rather than simply... exist in the matrix end quote yo i think this guy sucks
Based on what evidence? So all of these people begin picking up on Reddit. They start compiling this dossier, and they're like, okay, he doesn't know how to use a mana flask, which is very embarrassing, obviously. Very embarrassing. He's picking items up by dragging them in. to his inventory manually. Right. He is struggling to understand why he cannot pick up an item when his inventory is full. And he has, maybe indictingly, on his account, he has a tab for his maps called Elon's Map.
which is a weird thing to call it when you have all of the maps. Why wouldn't it just be maps? And so what it turns out to be is, of course, a giant series of lies in which he has hired people to play the game for him. And he just lied about all of it. The most embarrassing possible thing. Great question, Michael. So what happens is, Zach Hoyt, a popular gaming streamer known as Asmongold, he said that this is, I mean...
Part of the crime here is that if you're really into video games, this is horrifically embarrassing. The whole point is that you're actually like there spending time. Right. in the trenches playing these games. He's the one who said that Musk was insecure and lying about this. It's a truly sad day for gamers. And Elon Musk said in a since-deleted post that, quote, he had been on hundreds of streams playing live with the world's best players and that it was...
Zach Hoyt, in fact, who was not good at video games. He's good. My critic is bad. Actually, you're who's making this up. I'm rubber and you're glue. Your dad had an emerald mine. And then he took Zach Hoyt's blue check away, naturally. As you do, because it's not supposed to be about earning it, you know? But then, finally, as people began to assemble yet more and more evidence,
Evidence that he, in fact, was doing something that's very common, which is paying other people to level up your character. Elon has to do an interview. And in that interview with a gaming streamer known as Nikorex, he confesses. Finally. But as a video game enthusiast, Katie, let's talk about the sin involved here. Yeah, it's the most embarrassing possible outcome. If I told people I was really good at video games, I would live my life.
petrified that somebody was going to ask me to prove it. I would never walk around being like, yeah, I'm the best. Oh, you want me to prove it? I would never get on the sticks. Are you out of your mind? Why would you immediately prove it? You thought we wouldn't know the difference? It's this like...
It's the thing about Elon Musk that has never made sense to me. Is this just blind faith in himself and the fact that everyone will buy it so it doesn't really matter. And people are willing to give him that credit. And so like as a video. game person I'm like listen my culture is not a costume you can't
Like we don't make fun of people that are good at video games and say they don't have a job. And then a guy with like the most money who does the most jobs also is the best at the video games. It doesn't, the world doesn't work like that. And I feel like where I go nuts is when I'm seeing like, well, for Elon Musk, apparently the world is like that. You can just be caught telling an incredibly embarrassing lie and then just be in charge of the government. Like, what an embarrassing lie.
This used to end people, stuff like this. And he doesn't even go here. He's not even from here. And yet, in the face of the most embarrassing lie to be caught in, he's caught in it. And then he's like, by the way, you don't have... USAID anymore. You're bad. And the thing that's so embarrassing about it, because it is so embarrassing, is you don't need this lie. It doesn't help you in any way.
Just leave it alone. Just be the richest man. But what it makes you think is how you do anything is how you do everything. So if you're lying about this, this is who you are. Someone who is so... profoundly incapable of feeling loved that you have to jump through. And I'm also, oh, and, and I'm also the, I'm the best pole vaulter dead. And I'm also the best at checkers. You're not, bro. Just leave it alone.
So this is why I love this story is because it is deeply symptomatic of a larger character. And the character is the guy, to Katie's point, who's like deeply, deeply unworried. that all of the morons out there are ever going to catch on. Right. And all— He doesn't respect you, guys. He does not respect you. Like, look at his accounts. Like, the way he handles any conversation about anything.
is reflective of somebody who just doesn't respect the people reading. It really, it's like, it's so pathetic to me. It's so humiliating. And I have so much sympathy for someone that pathetic and unloved. except that he's got the hands on the levers of every bad thing in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So eventually what happens, because Elon Musk tries to deny and counter insult and spin, and then he ends up getting in a conversation with...
with a gaming streamer known as Nikorex. And Nikorex asks him, point blank, quote, have you ever level boosted? parentheses, had someone else play your accounts, in parentheses, and or purchased gear slash resources for PoE2 and Diablo 4. And Musk says, 100 emoji. It's impossible to beat players in Asia if you don't. Oh, my God. It is perfect.
Just perfect. Just what an incredible, like a little, a soup song of racism just to kind of. And you know what? That soup song, it puts it in people's mouths. And then they go, oh, he's right. He says all top characters require multiple people playing the account to win a leveling race. He is continuing to now... By the way, he also says... he's asked would you apologize to the poe2 community and he says what would i be apologizing for i'm just like
I don't know anything about gaming. So, like, maybe you do if you want to be the number one ranked player in Pervert 5 or whatever game you're playing. You might need to have ten guys get together and all be, like, trading their masturbating points to get to the top of the thing, whatever it is. But you should just be...
Honest. Just be like... The thing is that... And also, sorry, just one more thing. He sucks, though, right? Isn't that what we're finding out? You're not one of the top guys in the rotation. You suck. You're the worst guy on the team. He is telling us now officially... that he is lying and cheating about wildly small stakes stuff. Right. That isn't actually important to his fortunes.
Literally speaking. And so the question I have whenever it comes to like, so what do you think of this guy? Is like, just know he's that guy. What else is that guy doing when it comes to stuff that actually does have consequences? Why wouldn't he employ the same tactics, but... Probably on like a bigger scale. Why do you trust this guy? He's a liar. He's literally a cheater and a liar. His excuse for it also is such a window into his psyche that's like, well, everybody's cheating.
Not everybody, no. Right. You think that because that's your nature. Exactly. You're thinking that everybody thinks the way you do. He's like a perfect character for our time, though. In a cool way. He's literally the avatar for all of civilization right now. What's up?
I just bought and financed a car through Carvana in minutes. You? The person who agonized four weeks over whether to paint your walls eggshell or off-white bought and financed a car in minutes? They made it easy. Transparent terms, customizable down and monthly. Didn't even have to do any... Paperwork. Wow. Mm-hmm. Hey, have you checked out that spreadsheet I sent you for our dinner options? Finance your car with Garvana and experience total control. Financing subject to credit approval.
I read an article in the New York Post. Absolutely amazing publication. Had to be real. About a trend. Also must be a trend because the New York Post says that it is. Two people have done it online. About women doing something called labia puffing. where you take a filler or like Botox or something and inject it into your labia to make your labia look...
Younger, I guess? Puffy. Certainly puffier. What is not in dispute is that it becomes puffier. The puffier is the younger. We don't have to pretend those are separate. That's younger. I believe that. I guess I don't. What I thought about it the second that I read it is, I don't think that most men, and maybe you're not doing it for men. I don't think that most men get to the point in an encounter where they go, you know, I wish the labia looked younger.
I think at that point, you're mostly like, I'm actually really enjoying myself, and I'd like to keep going in the direction that I was going. I don't mean to rain on a parade, but I feel like you were not single and seeking. How long have you been married? A very long time. Been married since 2008 or something? We weren't in our porn brain era. Okay. As heavily then. So you think that porn is so, like the culture is so infected.
I think it has an effect on the sexual interactions of single people now. I think it's different. Than it was for us and this happens in every generation where like our our generation I don't even really want to talk about this I feel like our the difference who my mom's in mind was that like They couldn't believe we weren't keeping our bush around and I feel like that was because you wanted to look young
This might be that. I just think you're right for your... It makes sense for you, but I don't know that that's the way it is for kids now. This is like how some people don't like Kendrick Lamar. You're like, this is my that. Yeah, this is a hinge category, I believe. Just like labia puffiness. How thick are your labium? Is one labium? And there's like a score. Right. This is the headline from the New York Post. Labia puffing is the latest NSFW cosmetic trend. Quote.
I'm getting turned on just looking at myself. Oh my God, what? End quote. What? So that was said by a patient, according to this person, whose last name is Milhouse, which I appreciate. Milhouse... Hold on. It's good. Isn't there, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but also wasn't there recently a, like, scrotox? Isn't that also a thing where the dudes are injecting the...
You guys are killing my Google search history. Scrotop? Where are you getting this information? A beautiful portmanteau. And that's to make them less wrinkly? I think to make your... Less veiny? Or maybe less... droopy or I don't know why. I'm not, and this is, porn brain doesn't change this at all. The balls aren't getting a lot of air time with my eyes. I'm not really gazing upon your sack. I don't know. Behold, where were you?
Ten years ago. What are we doing? Do it in the dark. Close your eyes and get off. What are we doing? Why are you like, this doesn't hold up in a ring light? Scrotox is a cosmetic procedure that involves injecting Botox. Is this also in the New York Post? For what? To what end? Because you're putting a toxin next to your boys. That's not a good idea.
Well, according to this Healthline.com story, which I believe is a real publication, but may not be, frankly, scrotox was first used as a way to relieve scrotum pain if surgery didn't resolve the issue. And that's fine. That's like for the jaw people when they have, what's that called, TMJ, and they get Botox for that.
And it's like a medical treatment of the thing. I've had some TMJ. You might need to get some talks. Or maybe this is like when people say that they broke their nose, but it was actually just a cover for... No, I remember I had pretty bad TMJ, so I got Botox in my scrotum to kind of... to fix that. And now that jaw's basically good.
It was first used as a way to relieve scrotum pain if surgery didn't resolve the issue. Sure. Since 2016, thereabouts, more and more people are trying it out to purportedly make their sacks bigger and their sacks better. I'm getting the science— I'm under Healthline's authority that I thought it was— is going to be better. Journalistically speaking.
Not sure their sacks bigger. This isn't an abstract. This is David Schlong. This is not helping my journalistic credibility. So the topic you brought was that we're making our lips puffier. I'm talking about, well, it was Jaw. But that made me think of, I had recently read a thing in the post about labia puffing, which made me think of a thing that I had also recently read about scrotax. And you can sort of, from this, tell what the algorithm is doing to me.
jawline thing? Right. So the jawline thing. I mean, the world's trying to change you and I don't think you should change yourself at all. Thank you. Thank you so much. Except your balls. They are shriveling and could use a bit more. Yeah, I'm posting a lot of. Yeah, you should make your sacks bigger. We've all been thinking it.
I'm glad we're finally saying it. So wait, what was the jawline thing? The jawline thing was guys getting hardcore jawlines. Like, you know, like taking fat from the back of their- Like Matt Reif, allegedly. Like Matt Reif. Matt Reif's in the article. Can you explain Matt Reif's... Handsome Squidward. Very good. Very good. No, Matt Reif started... His big pop, I believe, was he was on Wild N' Out. He was on Wild N' Out. And he looked very different then. So it was like it's... He...
You know, it was on TV, so you can look it up. Then I saw him re-enter the public consciousness via TikTok. He did a lot of crowd work, which is famously what a lot of comics post because they don't want to burn their material. So you just post your crowd work. But he sort of...
rode that wave of crowd work clips. People really liked him, predominantly women. He had a very female audience and fan base. Then he put out his first Netflix special when he had all these female eyeballs on him and he felt the need to open it up with a very hacky, sexist joke. Which women were like, what? And he like made this joke and then clearly wanted it to be taken the way that it was. He wanted it to offend people.
Let them know he's one of the boys. Then he did like a Jordan Peterson interview and you were just like, okay, so you're pivoting in a way I don't really follow. And I'm sorry, I got, I lost the plot. He got facial surgery. It's rumored. It's widely rumored he looks so different now. He looks like a male model. He's got like male model jaw. And then somebody was like, you know, he was on Wild N' Out. People looked it up and they were like, that's not what his chin looked like before.
And then I believe there was a plastic surgeon who posted that he did Matt Reif's chin implant. You said you didn't read this article, but you're reciting every detail of the article. This firsthand knowledge. I remember this happening. A plastic surgeon posted that he gave Matt Reif his chin implant.
implant. Matt Reif was like, that's not true. And then the surgeon was like, now you can't take a joke. It was this whole big, I think it's weird when plastic surgeons post online about who their patients are anyway. That feels like a HIPAA thing. It feels like it.
It makes you feel like it's not true. Because I feel like you actually literally could not do that. Could not, right. If it was your client. And so anyway, there was a lot of talk about his face. And it has seemed like, as with a lot of people who opened that door to plastic surgery, it seems like he's reached a...
point where it's like getting to be he's letting too much of you got to like close the door and step away for a little you don't look like a you're getting uncanny valley right sorry i blacked out was i talking i would say you went
Kind of insane for a minute there. You sort of did a thing where I think you were like, I don't know that much about this, and then proceeded to give us, I think from birth, every detail about Matt Rife. You were speaking in tongues at one point. Special wasn't good. Did I say that? But this doctor had claimed something. Yes. That he had created for a quote-unquote canceled celebrity. The greatest jawline ever seen.
And this is a thing. The greatest jawline is an aspiration. Michael, how would you describe what the aesthetic is? I guess it would be like, look at me. Right. And then be like a sort of that. I'd say like, look at, find your face. Yeah, like find a picture of me on the internet or like look at me right now. Michael Cruz Kane. It's on his hoodie. Pause the video right now and just be like, okay, so it's kind of sort of like that. Like this, right. Like people would pay.
I think a million or a billion dollars they're saying for this. Right? To look just like you. To look like me. They'll do the whole face. Right. $12,000 for a hyper-masculine jawline. A real bargain. I don't know, man. I just feel like if if your face. The best version of your face to me is going to be the one that you got, because it's like. It all kind of works in—you don't realize that if you add to your jaw, now your cheeks look small. That's what the scrotum said, and look what happened.
But I think the thing that you've alluded to that does happen frequently that we all know is you start with the one thing and then you're like, ooh, you know what, I gotta... And then you fine-tune too much. I do it with a lot of stuff in my life. which is why I have not yet and will eventually probably open this door and start to work on this. To get hyper-masculine jobs. But once I start, like, I want to, if I'm going to buy furniture for my house, I want to research all my...
options, narrow it down based off on what I'm looking for, find the best possible available couch for me. But what ends up happening, as you're saying, is you buy, you've got your f***ing sh**ty house that you live in and you put a f***ing fire couch in the living room and you're like, the rest of the living room looks like sh**.
Yes, exactly. So now we've got to f***ing redo everything. And on a deeper, weird psychological level, if I look in the mirror right now, thanks to Leader Von Sleeve or whatever. Correct. 1835. Absolutely correct. And I don't like what I see. Not my fault. But if I start to play with it and I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see, that's my fault. I told them to give me this nose. I picked these brows. Right now, none of this is my fault. I'm doing the best I can with what I got.
So this is where I believe there's a through line that connects us through our topics today. I love those. I love those. Incredible. Because the hyper-masculine jawline I would use to point to in the barbershop of jawlines. is Tom Brady. Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry. I voted you. Thank you so much. I voted me too. Right.
You're outweighed. So actually. But we saw him. I mean, is that his? I don't know if he had that, but in terms of just like somebody who is tweaking himself in ways that are conspicuous. He's been tweaked for sure. For sure he's been tweaked. Now, did he get? What Dr. Benjamin Coughlin, aforementioned, alleged, maybe, maybe not, Matt Reif. Plastic surgeon. Plastic surgeon. Did he get the Benjamin Coughlin face BBL? Oh my god. Which moves fat from one part of the face to the other.
41% of his clients these days, his patients, are male. Well, it's about time. I will say that part. It's about time you guys start worrying about what you look like. Yeah, I like how the direction we've gone in, which is like, there's sort of these...
various pressures on women. Instead of being like, we're going to fix that. It's like, you know what we'll do? Pressure for everybody. Everybody's problem. Yeah, I'm going to break my legs and have rods inserted into them to become taller. Did you hear Chad Ochocinco? Tell Stephen A. Smith he got his penis done? We were in action, and she said in my ear, go deeper. Stay with me now. And what hurt me is I was already all the way in.
So I had ran out of pee-pee. And that is what caused me to get into amateur porn so I could perfect my craft in the pelvic area so I would never have to hear that again. I'm here to share my stories and my shortcomings. Back then, I've had surgery since then. Can I read you this headline from New York Magazine, June 3rd, 2016? Yes. Chad Ochocinco says he's packing a three-inch penis. Oh!
That's from 2016, you said? Yeah, I'm realizing that this is... So he's been talking about his penis size for a long time. And somehow, we have not heard it. Also, I don't think you're allowed to use—I think there's a threshold for use of packing. I don't think you're allowed to pack a penis smaller than— Five, six, I haven't checked in a while. There's definitely a threshold, and three does not meet it. What verb would you prefer he used? He is concealed carrying.
He is cherishing. He is unburdened by his three-inch penis. Chad Ochocinco is in possession of a three-inch penis. And I think... That's wonderful. I think it's great. Well, not anymore. He doesn't have a strange penis anymore. Whatever size it is, I think it's great. What did we find out today on Pablo Torre Finds Out, a show about finding out about apparently three-inch penises. I think what we found out today was it's never anything.
I didn't know about all these fun games you could play about the Diablo 4 and the PoE 2 and how you could be a... Oh, maybe I said the thing about a forest mage. You sound like Bill Belichick. Trying to summarize RPG video games. I found out Jordan is his momager. I did find that out. I didn't know that coming into today. Sorry, it's really important to me to make sure I give him something and I never bring it prepared because I'm supposed to find it out. You're doing great.
Sorry, I just, I think I found out that she's his momager. I think that's true. I co-signed that. I found out that... Oh, oh. Say it, yeah, good. This is good. When I look at my scrotum later today, which everyone does at 7 p.m., I know who to thank for the mirror I'm standing in front of. Perfect. This has been Pablo Torre Finds Out, a Metal Ark Media production. And I'll talk to you next time.