Are you a chronic over-flapper?

We had a chat with our next guest, Jordana, the communications and body language expert, a couple of weeks ago, and a lot of people gave us some good feedback on that. Seems that everybody's really interested in the secrets that we give away when we have a look at somebody else's body language or our own body language and don't realize we're doing it. So this week, let's talk

So you're in one of the two most popular categories. We tend to be overflapped or we tend to be underflappers. The problem with overflapping is that we have a lot of uninternal movement when we're speaking, which means a lot of the focus of our message. People are distracted by seeing that unintentional movement with our hands.

Like I liken it to fill the words when we're talking.

So if we're trying to rush through because we feel like all the eyes are on us.

Will say like, but I don't.

Mean it's just because we really want to get our message across. But we feel pressure so fast and we're not thinking. And it's the same thing when we're using our hands and we're flucking them around.

It's very distracting.

I find I do this when I'm searching for words. When I know exactly where I'm going with my stream of consciousness, I don't do it as much.

Oh well, that's so interesting because there was actually research by a professor of psychology at the University of Chicago.

Her name is Susan.

Golds and Meadow, and she found it gesturing while we're speaking actually does light in the cognode, and when we're young, we actually naturally integrate gesture and speech, and our hands really do emphasize, sometimes contradict our spoken words, but they also do play a big role in forming our ideas. So I think you're flapping when you're trying to come up with your ideas and your words is actually part of the physical body trying to come in to actually get you to the point where you want.

To go, Right, I'm flapping while extrapolating.

Yeah, you are doing so many unusual things at once. You're flapping. Oh, you're trying to get to the message. And then I wonder, when you get to the message, do you stop flapping?

Definitely? I put my hands away and leave them by my side. I wonder if it's possible to talk with holding your hands on the side, and I'm doing this while I'm saying this right now, whether or not it changes your thought process, and it hasn't seemed to do that. In fact, by taking out the flapping here, I find that I'm now more focused on the conversation.

You are more focused on the conversation. But as the person on the other side, your tonality has.

Dropped, ah, and you've gone more.

Monotone in the way that you actually shared that message. So our expression is very natural to us. We normally use our hands, so to take them away and not have could audibly hear the change in your pitch when you did that.

And have you heard of Vanessa van Edwards? No?

I haven't.

Oh.

So she's a specialist in science based people skills and she analyzed more than one thousand hours of TEDx talks or ted took and she wanted to work out what th.

Viral and others don't.

And so her team studied all of these variables and the one differentiator they found was gestures.

So they found that from this particular.

Period of time, the most viewed TED talks had an average of four hundred and sixty five gestures in eighteen minutes, and the least viewed ones had an average of two hundred and seventy two gestures. So we really they help us bring our expression to life, They help us find our words, and it also helps our message land in a much more impactful way because we trust gestures.

Let me hit you with this scenario. What about if someone's really deceptive and they were using their hands as a smoke screen to deceive you from the words they're saying.

They would be steps ahead because normally we would use our hands less if we're trying to be deceptive. So if you've got someone who understands and then would use their hands, I would.

Say that it would be quite forced movement.

You wouldn't have that natural flare and that natural expression when we're really coming from our heart and from a place of passion.

When you see politicians usually making a speech, they do over emphasize with their hands, and I often feel that that is a little bit contrived.

Yeah, they do quite intentional stuff, so like they'll do future framing. So future framing is where you get your hand in a certain movement and you move it forward when you say a certain policy or you say a certain idea, and so you're literally taking your audience on a journey with you, and your hand gesture is the vision.

The journey as well.

Because we use our hands as anchors, it's another way to capture our sensory elements. And the more of our you know, sensory elements we engage, the more engage we are.

How about if someone's being like a magician, your words are saying one thing, but your hands are actually taking your conversation away from the words, a bit like magic yet.

One hundred percent or vice versa.

In magic, we're either using our words and focusing on the story, the mind elements.

The linguistics.

We're distracting from what we're doing with our hands, or we're using our hands in a certain way that creates an illusion so that you're focusing on the hands and you can't see what's happening in other areas. But the code in magic is you can't tell anyone how a magic stick is done unless they want to be a magician themselves. So I think I've said enough unless you want to change your career.

I want to just throw in a name here, because I know you like it when I name drop. I did an interview with David Copperfield and he stood in the corner dressed completely in black, and I found out afterwards it's because he's quite small in stature, and he doesn't want people to realize how small he is in stature because he wants to come across with the illusion of being grand. Wow.

Oh my gosh. I had no idea that he was small, because I've seen him in real life. He was definitely taller than me.

Yes see, he gives you that illusion, and that's why I did the interview with him in the dark in the corner.

I found out afterwards, were you wearing neon?

No?

Wish I had wish I had a torch.

Did you find you did you have a flashlight? How did you guide your way through?

They just pointed me to a couple of darty eyes in the corner.

And then you're looking at your interview notes. Did were you're using your iPhone to it?

No? No, this was before iPhone.

Oh okay, I'll go on the illusion. That was such a good picture that I had in my mind as well.

I can go with that if you want.

With David Copperfield. Sounds like a really good opening for a show.

I think, so to hang on there a second, join Dana. We're talking the body language. And I just got a text too that came in from Belinda saying why do people say yes but then shake their head no? And that's really quite difficult to do too, to say yes, have a go to to say yes but then shake their head no. Yes, No, I've confused my head even by trying to do that one three one eight seven three or on the text zero four six zero eight seven three eight seven three if you've got any body

Open palms is trust, open palms is honesty. So we want to look at the opposite of what we would naturally do. So, if you've been accused of something and genuinely it wasn't you, what do you naturally do with your hands?

You go, welln't me? And what do you what do you do with your hands?

Yeah, you hold them up as if you're under arrest one hundred percent? Well you put them forward? Yeah, you put them forward as if to say, look, there's nothing here, there's nothing hidden.

Exactly, And that goes back centuries.

It's a primal cue, you know, associated with sincerity and transperity and safety in connection.

And we literally show we're not hiding anything.

So when we don't use our hands or we hide them underneath the table, very unnatural. In fact, we tend to trust people less if we actually can't see their hands, because there's part of their body that we don't.

Know what's happening.

And you know, back in the caveman eras, we would see if we would trust someone by what they were holding in their hands, are you holding a weapon?

Or are your palms open? And now?

Can I trust you instantly?

What about if someone is lying to you, or someone's deceptive, if someone's a narcissist, what do they do when they're trying to fool you?

Good question?

I would say anything anytime we can't see the hands or they're static, that would be a distraction from how would I normally carry myself.

What about if somebody talks to and they keep their hands in their pockets because I've always thought that's just somebody who's socially uncomfortable. Could there be another meaning to that?

Sometimes it's literally just because it is such a comfortable position that they've done for years and years and years. But we always need to think, what is this done that we're in, what is this interaction?

And what message am I trying to convey right now?

Because we tend to see the world. In fact, we do see the world through our own lens.

So what happens is I will judge your body language and how you carry yourself based on how I would do that gesture myself. So if I'm in a meeting with you and you're sitting with your hands and your fingers are interlocked at the table, you might be really calm, or you might be you know, considering something, or you might you know, be quite angry. I will look at you and go, how would I be feeling if I use my hands like that right now?

And then I will.

Project my own emotions and my own judgment of how I would use that gesture onto you. So we need to be open and neutral at all times because otherwise there's a real risk of miscommunication and misunderstanding, even if it's not intentional. So coming back to the guys with the hands in the pockets, like, yeah, as I said, it might be a really calm and casual position, but if someone's looking at us, it's.

It's a very fast judgment to go, oh they're.

Uncomfortable, they're awkward.

Oh they don't feel you know, in their power in this moment.

Remember, in our last chat, I've got you to visualize.

Glitter chess, yes, Mariah Kerry.

Yeah, so yeah, it's getting us into a confident pose.

Anything that stops us from punching.

Down and closing ourselves off instantly opens us up. Confidence equals power, not just for ourselves, but also in terms of the energy that we're actually giving off.

Wow. I often get.

Asked about hands behind our back. We want to avoid that as well.

Why is that Because.

It's a more open posture than having them closed in front of us, But it is also a signal for a level of discomfort or I'm hiding something from you. Because if your hands are hidden, so again, we can't see that, and there is a level of distrust when we can't see your hands, even though it does obviously help your chest be open and neutral.

And we don't want a point. We hate pointers.

We don't want a point that comes across as aggressive.

Well, that's what I always say. Sometimes the hands can't see what the eyes are saying.

I love your.

Little I'm going to call them pearls of wisdom.

Ye, I just make that up. I tell you. I just came to be like that, you know, And I wasn't even moving my hands to come to that pearler.

You know, you've got such a convincing tone when you say that. Amazing gems.

Don't forget that great philosopher that I have studied, George Costanza from Seinfeld, when he said believe the lie.

He's got it all.

Give people a website, give people some things they should do.

Jordanabe dot com at you thank you so much.

Absolutely love that.

And on Instagram, I'm always sharing tips around body language and confidence.

And how to carry ourselves and share our voice.

And it's Grdana Bornstein, which is really hard to spell, but if you make it there, I'd love to see you