Why I've Never Dated

Orgasmic enlightenment, where the sexual and spiritual come together. I'm Kim Anami and I'm a holistic sex and relationship coach and a vaginal weightlifter. In this show, we explore all things intimate. I believe that our sexual energy is life force creative energy and we can use it to shape our worlds, strengthen our relationships, and self-actualize.

I blend the most avant-garde information from neuroscience, ancient sexual practices like Tantra and Taoism to renegade wellness modalities to show you how to create gourmet sex in your lives.

Come one, come all. Why I've never dated. I have never dated anyone. Okay, well... Technically, I've been on three dates in my entire life with three different guys. Over the years and decades when I would hear people talk about dating, I never really understood it. It seemed like for them, dating was this multi-month audition period of spending time with someone where you may or may not be having sex with them, and you may or may not be in an exclusive relationship with them. Huh, confusing.

My experiences in the early stages of romance and relationships have always been intense, wild, and unmistakable. Meaning, I knew from the very beginning, pretty much from the moment I looked I looked into their eyes who they were and what they would be in my life. And they knew too. I've seen something reposted a few times lately, an idea that people seem to be in awe of. That's been the story of my life.

And it is. What's crazy is that real lovers don't even do talking stages. All it takes is one good date and suddenly y'all are together every day after that. Yeah, that's how it's always been for me. I expect big love, a big feeling, a wholehearted, whole vagina, whole soul response to someone. Nothing less. Why would I waste my time on anything but that?

I've become convinced that people who date have never felt that with anyone, because if they had, they would use that as the marker to know whether to even bother. But if they think that a platonic reaction is sufficient, then I guess they date someone. The way I see it, your body, your heart, and your genitals are all antennae. They exist to give you pleasure and to relay messages to you.

So the three guys I went on dates with, I remember thinking that they were cute, but I knew that there was nothing deeper there. One of them, I think I was just curious to see what would happen. The other one hit on me. in a shoe store right after what was one of the most devastating but growth-filled, because that's how I roll and what I do with that shit, breakups of my life.

I said yes to going out with him because I was lost and thought maybe I could distract myself for one night. Okay, what the hell? So I ended up breaking down and just started bawling in the middle of the date. We were at a pub or a restaurant or something. I can't even remember. And he's comforting me about my breakup. And there was a third one, which I remembered earlier today, and now I forget because it was that memorable.

Okay, so two or three human dates in my whole life, I guess, when I was bored or lost or killing time. So this is what humans do. That's fine. Let them have it.

I prefer to be with super humans. The other thing that this makes me think of is that people's intuition is fucked. If they meet someone and they don't know, have no fucking idea if this person could be a good match for them. What is that? In the words of the illustrious Jen Okasaki, how you not know that? If you know, you know.

I've heard people say that they need to go on multiple dates with people to know if they're compatible. Or maybe people even do this for months. I don't know. I know that in the first half second. My subconscious knows it earlier than that. I often wonder if these people go on multiple dates to get comfortable with someone so they can rationalize settling with them. You'll remember, I see the product of such unions 10, 15, 20 years down the road. No sex, four years.

imploding, reproductive issues because the last fucking thing they're doing is using their reproductive organs for fucking. Never really that into each other. So why the fuck would you get married then? People get married for all kinds of reasons. Passion and attraction often are not two of those reasons. People talk themselves into marriage and relationships. That's what dating does. So if I don't date,

What do I do? Well, I meet someone somewhere and I will state for the record that I have never been on a dating site in my entire life. I've never been drawn to use them. I meet people all the time in grocery stores, parking lots, running trails. Occasionally, I meet people at special events or parties. Like, do I even go to parties?

I don't even know. But mostly it's in day-to-day life in random ways. Like the universe is arranging its atoms and the ones that have some kind of magnetic pull that draws them together through time. space, they find each other and they recognize each other. time stands still. You look into their eyes and you know them. They're exotic and strange, but also yours.

The thing you were looking for all along but couldn't articulate or describe until it stood in front of you. Your mouth goes dry. Your heart beats faster. Your skin gets electrified. Call it. past lives, or just that deep inner knowing that you are important to each other right here, right now. And look, maybe you are important to each other for three months or three years. or 30. But to me, it's all about following that thread and being the most honest and loyal you can be to it.

And by most honest, I mean that you don't play games, be cagey, or try to act like you don't know the huge truth of what you've just seen. And therein lies the challenge. The intensity of those feelings like a cosmic event just took place because it did. And the realization that everything in your world is about to change. is a lot for most people to take in.

So let's say I meet someone. We spend some time together in some fashion, either and usually during that first meeting or shortly thereafter, which I guess one might technically term a date of sorts. Both of us know from that moment on that it's on. We're on. Very soon there would be some official conversation to confirm exclusivity, but that's a formality. We both knew and were locked in from those first few seconds. So yeah, that's how I date.

So in the past couple of months, I've done a deep dive into modern dating culture, and I really had no idea what was going on out there. I've had to learn an entire glossary of terms like... texting stage and talk. stage and how many minutes are acceptable to read or not read a text message from someone and then how many additional minutes are acceptable to reply to them there is an entire set of protocols I had no clue

And I think so much of what people are going through right now, the confusion especially, is born out of using dating apps. This idea that fate or kismet or your own molecules communicating through the ethers don't bring you together, but an algorithm does. And look, I will say sometimes my algorithm knows me insanely well, like reading my mind well.

But you have to ask if the main goal of a dating site, or rather the main business model, is to have as many people on the app at any given time, then are they really invested in matching you and getting you off of the app? But this becomes another way in which people outsource their power and their knowing and their intuition. The most memorable, significant people in my life have been those who knew. and they made massive overtures straight away.

they did not waste any time. They didn't pretend like this wasn't massive and life-changing or that they liked me less or they were too cool to move on this. No, they knew there was nothing more important in their life. lives than this moment. And they named it. poetically in ways I will never forget and take with me as a gratitude and appreciation for their boldness and courage for the rest of this life and everyone after it.

And then this becomes the blueprint for your lives together. Big risks, deep poetry, and radical honesty. And I use the word poetry a lot, I think lately, because... I guess it just conveys to me a certain depth and symbolism that some people have and can convey with the way they speak and they act like it all becomes... poetry. So that's what I mean by that. And yeah, I've had people write me literal poems. Okay, talk about first meetings.

I was in a bookstore. So a bookstore is a shop where they sell these bound pieces of paper with words on them. And I was in this really beautiful, amazing, alternative kind of spiritual bookstore. And I would just go and read poetry or look at spiritual books and, you know, decide something new to take home to inspire me. And this guy came up to me, beautiful man, and handed me a poem that he had written on the spot, inspired by me.

you know saw him and you know we were then together right like so a little while after we met I had to go away for work for about six weeks and as a send-off gift and a way to keep us connected. So this is back in the days, okay, we didn't even have cell phones then, certainly no internet. He'd written me 60... love letters, basically a letter for each day that were some kind of sexual, sensual, spiritual inspiration poem that

I could have something every day to pull out and remember him. So this whole notion of playing small and pretending to like people less, fuck that. Think of yourself as a romantic poet. Like the Shakespearean love that penetrates you and changes you to your core. That. That's your standard. That's your goal. That's what ought to be normalized rather than these casual, I can't even fucking fathom this stuff. Like what?

reality that's getting painted and being normalized these days no normalize romantic poets shakespearean love sagas and epic tales of deep soul penetrating romance Normalize that. This blueprint then you've created by acting in these ways where big risks and honesty define your connection and who you are. So you've set the bar and the pace for big, big fight wars about.

and write books and 100 sonnets on kind of love. And that is an incredible template to have for your relationship, right, going forward. Or you do the opposite of this. You retract. You pull back. You pretend. You don't express what's in your heart and mind, which is essentially lying. And I talk about the importance of radical honesty in relationships throughout.

It's also important early on, like this early on. If you know and feel all these things and say none of it and don't affirm it, it's confusing. The other person can feel that you know. And yet you say nothing or not enough or you do nothing or not enough. Instead of rewarding someone's huge courage and guts, you shut it down. The momentum gets killed.

Every time you do something like this, when you negate the connection and you refuse to acknowledge the depth of it, you kill it a little more. Death by a thousand cuts. Maybe you do eventually get together, but how many strategized moves and unuttered truths later is that? And that is now the pattern and the vibe you carry with you into the relationship, if you even get that far. right? Dilution, erosion, fear, and holding back to play safe.

I rewatched the movie True Romance over the weekend. This is a semi-cult or full cult classic film from 1993, written by Quentin Tarantino and directed by Tony Scott. It stars Patricia Arquette and Christian Slater. I actually didn't realize how rich the cast of this was until I started recognizing everyone from Dennis Hopper to James Gandolfini to Brad Pitt.

So these two characters meet, and despite the somewhat dubious circumstances that first brings them together, there is this flicker of honesty that shines through, and then it becomes a flame. I was actually pretty blown away by their performances all these years later. So they use the L word very early and they commit to each other. And then it's ride or die in every possible way from that moment on. They'll do anything for each other.

and they do. Without a moment of hesitation or question, their loyalty and absolute trust in each other is paramount.

And someone might think, yeah, well, that's the movies. My favorite thing about watching movies is seeing smart people do brave things. That's it. That is the only thing worth watching for me. and the only life worth living. And the algorithm did me right. The day after recording this, a post came up in my Insta feed from an account called at meet cutes. NYC, about a real-life New York City couple who met, and this is what happened.

So it was 1994, and we just passed each other in the street. I looked back to see if she looked as good going as she did coming. What did I see? We just had a moment. I see her looking back at me. And then that night, I was coming home from a blind date. Went into my apartment building, opened up my front door, and in walks this guy. And my date's standing right there. He walks by and I'm like, hey.

did i meet you today and he's like hi i'm tom i live in 40. i was like you live in my building he's like she lives in my building i lived there a whole year you walk by my front door every day for a year never saw him once first date

Five days later, decided to get married on our first date. Two hours into our first date, we decided to get married. Walked around New York City for like five hours. 29 days after the first day we passed each other on the street, we went down to Center Street and got married. Wow. We didn't tell anyone. Call her parents the next day. That's amazing. 31 years in, what's your favorite thing about her? She's so earnest and she's so honest.

How did you know so early on within 29 days that you wanted to get married? He's the one. He's the one. He's the one. I had never looked at a girl like this where I couldn't see anything else around her. She was the only thing in focus. When I was around her, I just felt like throwing up the whole time. I couldn't meet for the whole time I was first married.

What advice would you give to a new couple that just may want to make it 30 years like you guys? You cannot put yourself first. You must put the other person first. all the time. Our happiness comes from the fact that our marriage has been almost a competition to see who can treat who better. And what are your names? I'm Tom. I'm Lisa. Thank you so much. Don't get me wrong. I have had some misses when I wasn't brave enough in the moment and some when I was.

But all of these moments have driven me forward to get better at all of it. Mostly to get better at being brave and honest in the moment. Some people will meet you there. And there is nothing like that feeling ever in the world. You both leap over the cliff together. And some people won't. Even when they want to, they pull back out of fear. But that part, their part doesn't matter so much. All that really matters is that you were brave enough to go for it.

And you stay open all the same. You do not use them as an excuse to shut down. You feel the sadness and you walk through it. Think of them as practice. You are flexing your truth and heart muscles and they only get stronger. So this is a rally cry for going big for the feelings and people that set your life on fire and telling them that sooner rather than later.

For all the people lamenting the current dating scene, how are you perpetuating it? Are you dating people you really aren't that into? Are you holding back with the ones you are? The games only go on if you keep. playing them. And like I always say, save the games for where they belong in bed. Because really, let's just get to the good part of loving and fucking the shit out of each other. Ad infinitum.

Next week, I will drop an episode on the idea that I've seen some people spout that chemistry is toxic. I will break that one down and tell you what I think the purpose is of intense, heart fluttering, knee weakening chemistry. Thank you so much for listening. Subscribe to the podcast, leave a review and send somebody else the gift of a multi-orgasmic and transformational love life by sharing this episode with them. If you'd like to go deeper.

into all things orgasms, sign up for my free orgasmopedia series where you'll learn about nine different types of orgasms everyone can have. Go to kamanami.com and you'll see the sign up there. Come one, come all.