Should Love Feel Safe?

Orgasmic enlightenment, where the sexual and spiritual come together. I'm Kim Anami and I'm a holistic sex and relationship coach and a vaginal weightlifter. In this show, we explore all things intimate. I believe that our sexual energy is life force creative energy and we can use it to shape our worlds, strengthen our relationships, and self-actualize.

I blend the most avant-garde information from neuroscience, ancient sexual practices like Tantra and Taoism to renegade wellness modalities to show you how to create gourmet sex in your lives. Come one, come all. Should love feel safe? On the heels of my last podcast talking about intense chemistry and whether it's a green flag or a red flag, today I want to talk specifically about the idea that relationships ought to be safe.

I hear this word tossed around a lot right now in the context of relationships. In the wake of everyone talking about nervous system rewiring and how safety is the holy grail we all ought to apparently be looking for, I have some thoughts. The idea seems to be that your partner and your relationship ought to make you feel safe. You feel safe in their presence. You feel safe to open up.

And while I sort of see what they're getting at, the reality is that life, and especially love, is not safe. Ever. Not really. Not actually. How can you be safe when you open yourself up, you let your guard down, and you let someone in?

you can make a good, educated, and maybe logical decision. And in the end, you could still get screwed. Let me explain why safety is actually the least safe. option. One of my favorite quotes ever about love and sex and intimacy is from Gabrielle Garcia Marquez. He is the esteemed Colombian author of 100 Years of Solitude.

by many, including me, to be a masterpiece and possibly the best book ever written. Although I'm about to start reading Dostoevsky, and so my opinion might change. He also wrote Love in the Time of Cholera, another one of my favorite books ever. This line always stayed with me because it made the most sense of why I felt the way I did, and it reflected my own experiences. The anxiety of falling in love could only find repose in bed. This idea that the deep hunger need restless vulnerability

All of this was a thirst that could only be satiated through lovemaking. That being in bed, entwined with each other, was the only thing that would temper that love, calm it, quench it. momentarily until the next day and night when you come together again. And I think I'm going to theorize that the people who have never had that experience of sex, where it delivers you, it saves you, it takes you to another realm.

it rebirths you into the highest and best version of yourself. If they've never had that, They don't understand the process that one offsets and enhances the other. You are deep. open wild heart is soothed and calmed when you get the shit loved and fucked out of you. And that is where sex becomes medicine. Daily medicine. You find each other there and you soothe each other. I much prefer the word soothed instead of safe. Safety is an illusion.

Okay, look, let's break this down a bit more. Do you need to trust your partner? Do you need to know that they have your back? Do they need to adore and cherish you? Yes, yes, yes. But safety has another dark side. the idea of being stuck in your comfort zone, of not venturing out of it, of playing things too safe. What was the big buzz phrase of 2020? Stay safe out there.

No, thank you. I'm not afraid of invisible government manufactured boogeyman. I'm more afraid of my own potential stagnation. That is truly scary. Anyone I have ever really wanted had an element of risk. Because I wanted them so much. The depth of my wanting already made me vulnerable. The ideal is that you find someone who wants you as much.

It isn't about someone having the upper hand. It's about both being so open, so raw, so utterly besieged with each other that the place you connect is in that mutual. vulnerability and you do everything to maintain that place of vulnerability, of not letting your walls come up. That is what so much of my work is about. How do we get there? and then stay there in that armorless state in your rawness you both put down your arms and surrender perpetually

The most powerful place to do that, to show it, to embody it, is in bed. You are literally naked, physically and then emotionally. People can say they love each other and they do say that all the time. They love their partner like a brother or a sister, but that is not vulnerable love. When you take your vulnerable heart and you mix it.

with your vulnerable cock or pussy, when all those pieces are unguarded and open, that is as naked as you can be. And that is what I call gourmet sex. You need both.

dimensions, the emotional and the sexual, to be raw. They both have to be there. One without the other in either direction is empty, lifeless, boring. but when you combine the two this is everything this is magic this is the stuff that makes the world go round this is where you unleash the alchemical healing procreative, euphoric, psychedelic potential of your god selves. Nothing less. Most people don't know what they don't know. They've never touched it. They've never tasted it. The best

The very best they can come up with in their so limited experiences is that safety is what you ought to aim for. This is the highest rung of the ladder they aspire to. Nah. Fuck them. They need to get deeply heart and soul fucked. Another one of my favorite life mottos is if you're not scared shitless, you're not aiming high enough. We all know what this is like.

The only way you keep growing is that your next steps ought to be tinged with even a little bit of heart flutter, gut flutter, genital flutter. of walk this way. There is magic for you over here but you're gonna have to earn it. You need to prove yourself worthy. You have to have courage and boldness. And if you don't, if you can't right now, well, then it will slip through your fingers and you can settle for the consolation prize of the thing, the person, the job, the life you want less.

Or you can train like a motherfucker for what it is you really want so that the next time it comes round, you are ready. you recognize it, and you leap, you tackle it, and you grab it, and you do not let it go. Anytime I've ever chosen a safe person, it's been a fucking disaster. Like possibly the most disastrous of any of my relationships.

Once upon a time, I met an older woman who was a mentor of sorts to a friend of mine. We were sitting down at lunch and she tried to espouse some kind of elder wisdom, which was that women ought to choose. men who love them more. She said this was the only way that women could really have their needs met in relationship, that this was safe.

I pondered it because I'd never really looked at relationships that way. A, I wasn't strategic about them. And B, I thought that I always wanted to be madly, deeply, passionately in love with someone. I wanted to. feel a stirring in the soul of me, like a deep ache of finally recognizing someone and them recognizing me. of us knowing and adoring each other deeply, of being smitten and brought to our knees in every possible way.

It had never occurred to me to choose someone where potentially I could be less hurt or less vulnerable. So I tried it. I mean, it made a kind of logical sense, I guess. I met someone. He was cute. Well, he was beautiful, actually. One of the most beautiful men I'd ever seen. But he wasn't inwardly strong or brilliant or someone I admired. And these were all things that... composed an aggregate of love for me. I didn't feel a sense of deep love for him.

You know, in the spirit of this experiment, I went ahead anyway. But ultimately, the proof is always in the pudding. So especially with someone like me, where sex is such an integral part of the relationship. I liked him, sorta. I liked hanging out with him. Sort of, but I had no desire to have sex with him. So what's kind of hilarious is that for most people, this would just be a normal relationship where they don't have sex that much. She would say.

even think that she has a low libido and he would think that she just has a low libido. But for me and in my world, this is a really big deal and a no-go. So this thing carried on for a while and then I ended it. And I think he knew that deep down, it wasn't really that deep for me. And probably because I didn't really want to fuck him all that much.

And he was bitter and resentful. On his way out the door, he figuratively smashed everything he could get his hands on in my life. He wrought total havoc and destruction. No, this whole safe choice, find someone who loves you more, was total bullshit and ultimately even more chaos. Because it's not built on the deepest truth or from your deepest heart. It's built...

on a rationalization. And as I've said before, especially in the last couple of episodes, is that I see the outcome of such unions of rationalization years and decades down the road. The outcome, which is all kinds of reproductive ailments, financial problems, weight gain, depression, everything going south. Because this is what it looks like to take the safe choice instead of what the heart wants and the genitals want. And so we and they wither.

They and we get smaller. And like I said in the last episode on chemistry, the key here is that in that intense longing, The key is that both of you are committed to your relationship as being a vessel for growth and transformation. You both know that you will need to put in the and the play from radical honesty to hours-long sex dates to make this thrive and become your superpower. Because without that...

Yes, it will also die. And this will be an explosive rather than a quiet death. But die, it still will. So back to this idea of soothing each other. The people I've been the most into, who touched me the deepest, who set me on fire, I was the most passionate about, we had to have. the most sex. Spending hours in bed with each other, stopping time, connecting to the depths deeper than we'd ever both been within us, that was the only remedy.

for the intensity of how we felt about each other. And I will let it be noted that we never really had enough. The only thing that would get us out of bed and out of that cosmic cocoon was some kind of life. responsibility. We would emerge as new people, even more raw, more open, and yet stronger, fortified within it. And then you go about your day and the rawness becomes almost unbearable. The great beauty of it all. And we'd climb.

back into bed again to be slaked. So slaked is a word I love. S L A K E. And it means to quench your thirst. But for me, I think of it as a combination of satiate and ache, like to satiate a deep ache. you know, when you get back into bed again, and it tones the volume down just enough that you can then get through the next day without stopping to just...

drop your jaw and daydream at the wonder of it all. It lets you walk around with that raw unguarded heart and then you come back again to each other that night falling into one another bodies and hearts gliding into infinity And again, you get filled just enough to be able to go out into the world again, knowing that you will come back to each other. And that's actually the sub the.

I'm trying to think, will I give it away if I say this? But the whole theme in a way of love in the time of cholera. You carry on ad infinitum. So look. It's not safety you're looking for. It is decidedly the opposite of that. What you need is someone courageous and bold and brave enough to risk it all. You come together with that. intention. The great poet Hafiz has some lines I like. He says, now gather all of your courage, throw yourself into his bed. He will probably kill you.

fantastic. That is the whole idea. The only parts of us that die are the little ones, the false ones, the ego ones. And every time we experience the little and big death of deep orgasms, we burn off more dross. refine ourselves so much that all that remains is pure heart and pure soul. Your love and intimacy and surrender create a great cosmic cocoon that you continually birth yourselves out of. This energy wraps itself around you like a cloak of protection.

Nothing can fuck with you. You become unfuckwithable because you are so deeply, wildly, and profoundly well fucked. So you don't need safety. You need a fellow spiritual warrior. You need someone who will bravely walk through every fire with you, including and especially the ones you experience. night in your hearts and your bed.

Thank you so much for listening. Subscribe to the podcast, leave a review and send somebody else the gift of a multi-orgasmic and transformational love life by sharing this episode with them. If you'd like to go deeper. into all things orgasms, sign up for my free orgasmopedia series where you'll learn about nine different types of orgasms everyone can have. Go to kamanami.com and you'll see the sign up there. Come one, come all.