31 - Guest Expert: Bea Cote, LCSW, LMFT, What Parents Need to Know About Intimate Partner Abuse

Host: Dr. Tara Egan
Co-host: Anna, teen daughter
Guest Expert:  Bea Cote, LCSW, LMFT

Tara has a professional crush on Bea Cote, today's guest expert. Bea is here to talk about intimate partner abuse. She's the founder of Impact, LLC and Step Up to Family Safety, an organization created to provide services to abusers (typically men who who have physically and emotionally harmed others (typically their male or female romantic partners).

Intimate partner abuse is a pattern of coercive controlling and physically abusive behaviors. In most all cases the pattern doesn't appear to anybody but the victim, and it often takes them a long time to recognize the pattern. The abuse never looks the same, so the victim "silos" the behavior--instead of recognizing it as a pattern, she sees each incident is an isolated incident and tells herself "but he's never done anything like this before." Bea notes that most abuse isn't criminal, as it's more complex than him "laying his hands on her." She doesn't want to see herself as a victim, she doesn't resemble the women on the billboards and she may not ever get hit.  And men often view themselves as the victim, particularly if women report the abuse. How dare she?

Anna asks if men are ever abused. Bea discusses the nuances of the statistics noted in the media, noting that the data can be misleading as it's typically based on self-report. Bea shares data obtained by the local DV program here in Charlotte, NC, which reports that approximately 95% of reported abuse targets WOMEN. In homosexual relationships, men are abused by other men.

Strangulation is a felony, and is an indicator of future murder. Police often mislabel strangulation as "choking" or refer to murder as "a crime of passion," which is complete bullshit.

Tara, Anna, and Bea discuss jealousy, or obsession---which leads to men feeling as they own that woman. Jealousy is immature, often witnessed in teens. Teens "practice" adult relationships via dating, and unhealthy experiences can shape what they view as "normal" in relationships.

How can we protect our teens from intimate partner abuse?
1. Point out and discuss unhealthy (and healthy) relationships in media.
2. Role model a healthy relationship at home, and recognize that your kids WITNESSING abuse is still child abuse.
3. Reinforce that women are strong and capable, and there should not be a power differential in a relationship. We live in a patriarchal society; we receive intense messages that women are inferior.
4. Dads aren't babysitters--they're parents.
5. Teach your kids about what consent is--both boys and girls.
6. Understand the role that internet porn has in misleading teens about sex.
7. Pay attention to your child's behavior & set boundaries if you witness your child engaging in unhealthy behavior within a romantic relationship.

What's the manbox--how we define the role of men in our society? What pressure do we put on them to walk the line between "providing and protecting" and controlling?

Link to the power and control wheel.
Link to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Link to the "hurtful and controlling behavior check sheet."

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE IN THIS EPISODE, SO PLEASE TUNE IN AND SHARE.

To learn more about Bea's ImpactDV program, visit HERE.

To learn more about Dr. Tara Egan's child & adolescent therapy services, visit HERE.