Raquelle Stevens & Tanya Rad ON: Overcoming Imposter Syndrome & Finding True Purpose by Redefining Success

it's like a fire, it's going to burn out. But character is what lasts a lifetime. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed. And I am so excited to be talking to you today. I can't believe it. My new book Eight Rules of Love is out and I cannot wait to share it with you. I am so excited for you to read

this book, for you to listen to this book. I read the audiobook. If you haven't got it already, make sure you go to eight Rules of Love dot com. It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or let go of love. So if you've got friends that are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book. And I'd love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour Love Rules. Go to Jay shettytour dot com to learn more information

about tickets, VIP experiences, and more. I can't wait to see you this year, and I am so excited for today's quite conversation because not only are my two guests friends of mine, but they have a new book out that I know you're gonna love and I can't wait for you to read. The new book is called The Sunshine Mind One hundred Days to Finding the Hope and Joy You Want by Tanya rad and Raquel Stevens. I can't wait to tell you about these two amazing humans.

If you don't already follow them, make sure you go and follow them a cross social media. And today we're going to be diving into the themes inside this book. But to give you a quick overview, Raquel Stephen's most recent work includes hosting and producing Giving Back Generation. RADI and I would guests on the show, so I can't wait to go and watch that episode. Raquel also starred in the Apple documentary Selena Gomez, My Mind and Me

and the hit series Selena Plush. Chef Tanya rad co host on air with Ryan Seacrest, hosting I Art Radio's top forty show The Vibe, and creating community on her popular podcast Scrubbing In. Raquel and Tania just released their new book, The Sunshine Mind. I want you to go order it right now. You're gonna love this book, and you're gonna love this conversation, Tanya, Raquel, thank you so much for being here. Jay, thank you for having us.

I like bandgirling because I'm a big fan of the podcast, so to be a guest on the podcast feels like a major It's major. Yeah, and Jay, we've been friends for a while too, so it kind of feels like sitting with two close friends, YEA, having a conversation. I was going to say that I feel like, Raquel, I met you very early on when I moved to lay

like probably within the first six months. I think. Yeah, we met through our friendly and Helena had dinner with you and Roddy and Elena, and I remember her texting me after being like, you're gonna love Jay and Roddy. They're the best and so and we've been hanging out ever since, and you have so many wonderful people. You've

been nothing but sunshine in our life. And you're one of those people that I always talk about, is like, there's very few people I meet that I just genuine and want genuine things for everyone in their life and want genuine people to connect. And then Tania we met very recently, actually much more, but we were messaging for many years on like, yeah, all of this, I've been a fan of yours, Like I consume everything Jay Shetty, I just mind you to be very inspirational, aspirational role model,

and so I just I love you in general. And then I remember Raquel was like our common thread, and so we met very recently. But about your wife first, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, at a dinner that we had. When was that that was a while ago? Yeah it was two thousand and twenty one. Oh yeah, yeah, a couple of years. But anyway, I'm so excited because you're both finally here, both people that I do believe bring a lot of sunshine into the world. So the book is very apt, but I

want to ask you so many different questions today. I want to learn more about your friendship. I want to learn about both of you, and I'm sure this chemistry is like amazing, and you you know which questions you want to answer, but I want to start with both of you and say, what makes a day a great day for both of you? That's a really great question. I try to make every day a great day. And I'm not saying that in a way of like, oh, I just wake up happy every single day. I think

sometimes it's a choice. And so the things that make me most happy are my friends and my family and the people that I do day to day life with, so naturally every day is a good day when I'm in communication with those people. And and then also, you know, all of the work that I do is committed to making a difference and to helping people, and so I feel like I'm living my life on purpose, and to me,

that's a great day. It's being in community with people, it's choosing to see the good even when times are a little bit hard, and um having fun as well. Yeah, I'd say mine's similar in the sense that it's really just being at peace and being happy and for me, a lot that I put in the book to our like these little nuances that I do, you know, like we can get very into the mundane of our you know, the routine of our lives. And I think it's like

finding joy and those like little things. So in the morning, you know, I wake up before the sun and when I walk into the studio every morning, I flicker the lights on and off and I say good morning everyone. I'm like literally bringing the sun in. Sometimes it could be a little annoying, but like I think it brings everybody smiles and it just kind of brings like a levity. And so I think, to me, just kind of being happy and yes, every day is you know, I don't

I'm not a master at it. I can kind of get overwhelmed, and I think you're maybe a master at it. I'm trying to me. I have my moments, and that's when I like turn to Raquel and I'm like I have a lot going on. Help me, And She'll usually send a scripture and I'm like, Okay, thank you, and I love what you've done with this book and I just want to show it to everyone who's listening or watching wherever you are in the world. How this book is structured, because it's rare that two friends to come

together to write a book together. Yeah, that doesn't happen very often. I've interviewed so many authors over my years of interviewing, and you don't really see that. But the way this book is structured, I just want to show everyone because I've been reading it this week. You get these beautiful scripture pieces here, which are these favorite verses

I imagine of both of yours. But then you also get sections that I get dedicated to whether they're written by Raquel or Tanya, And so you're getting two perspectives on so many phenomenal topics, which I think is actually really rare. When you read a book, you're so used to getting one person's viewpoint or one person's research. When it comes to you too writing this book together. I've already asked you about a good day. What does a bad day look like for both of you and how

do you navigate those? Because we're writing a book called The Sunshine Mind. But there's some cloudy days in all of our lives, and you talk about a lot of that in the book. So what does a bad day

look like? And how do you navigate those You know, what's interesting is why I say that this book is such a reflection of our friendship because whenever I was having a bad day, or I was going through something heartbreak or you know, you don't get that that career, that job that you were really wanting and working hard for, Raquel is somebody that I would always turn to in those moments. And she's that friend that was She always met me where I was. She had a scripture ready

to turn it around for me. And so when in the early phases when I was thinking about this book, because I had written a different book proposal, it was like a dating book and it was, you know went, it was just on the cutting room floor, didn't end up going anywhere. So I wanted to do it devotional. And I was like, Requels the perfect person to do this with, because this is exactly like what she is

as a friend to me. I go to her, she shares wisdom, she's there for me, and so it's kind of a really nice yeah, and that's something Tanya is really great at. On a bad day, you do reach out, you do say hey, I'm struggling and can you pray for me? Or can you encourage me. I'm having a hard time, and I think sometimes it's hard to be vulnerable. It's hard to say, hey, I'm having a bad day. We want to pretend like everything's okay, and you really do embody that for me. If I'm having a bad day,

I do the same thing. I'll call a trusted friend Tanya or my friend Ashley Cook is really solid and great that way too, you know, Ashley. And then I also on my own, I'll go very grateful to live in La I'll go and I'll drive down to the beach and I'll take a long walk and I'll listen to my music or meditations and just it might sound kind of simple, and you can do this actually wherever you're listening. You don't have to go to the each

you can go for a neighborhood walk. But I find being in nature and just taking time to be alone and be still and let the spirit come in and and bring me peace. It works every single time. And I'm not just saying that, it really does. And so I think taking that time to be alone and really asking the spirit, hey, i'm struggling today. Today is a tough one. Please give me peace. You can be that simple and it works every time. I don't shy away

from the bad days too. Like I've cried multiple times on the air, I've cried on Instagram, like I don't want people to think, you know that I'm just I'm always happy and that, like you know, like I have moments and I cry, and like, can I see something about Tanya too? Is she early on in her career, she faced a lot with you know, different people saying you're to this, you're too that, you're too positive, you're too night, You're you're never gonna make it in this,

in this business. Yeah, And I've herginalities too much. Yeah. And I have watched her stay so true to who she is. She's never backed down. She's she's stayed positive, she's stayed bubbly, she's you know, chosen to take the high road over and over again. And her career has just grown and grown and grown, and she's never changed. She's grown, but she's never changed. She's always stayed true to her And I think that that is incredible. Thank you,

so beautiful. I love seeing a good friendship because I think that in a world that where everyone's looking for a partner and someone to date. It's almost like friendships often get devalued or become less important, or we find that when someone finds the one or the person they want to be with, all of a sudden they don't talk to their friends anymore, only when they're heartbroken to come back to their friends to mend their healing heart.

And so I love seeing good friendships. I have a lot of great male friends in my life as well that I turned to that are part of my support structure. What do you think, Tanya, it is about your friendship with Raquel that made you, in those instances reach out

to her, Like, what is it? Because I think what you just raised their Raquel is we struggle with reaching out, We struggle with asking for help, We struggle with calling someone up and saying I'm having a bad day like that is a very vulnerable, challenging thing for a lot of us to do, and a lot of us will wait months, maybe even years before we open up to our friend and say this is what I've been going through. So what was it about your friendship that gave you

a sense of trust in Raquel? And what can we learn from that? And what can people listening take away from that? When they're struggling to figure out who of my friends should I tell them? What can I tell them? Yeah, I do think that trust is built over time. So I think I was able to kind of see over time that she was a very trustworthy person. I know if I whatever I told her, And also like I'm in an industry that I need to keep things to myself.

But I always knew that I could tell her and it was like a vault, and that she's just proven time and time again that I can trust her. But something that is very unique to Raquel that I don't think and I'm not as good as it as good as she is, But when you come to her something, she doesn't give you her opinion. She listens to you. She doesn't judge you, she doesn't you know what I'm saying.

Like I think a lot of times, if somebody's going through something, you know, somebody comes back and they're like, oh, he broke my heart again, Like you know he was always awful, he treated you bad. Like it's none of that stuff, do you know what I mean? Like we just want to give our opinion or kind of share and she just listens. She's there for you. She encourages you.

And I think that's something that I try to take into my other friendships too, because I can all be the opposite sometimes and I really want to be better about no judgment. Like I know I could tell her anything and she will just take it and like it won't even affect you at times. No, it's it's a really, it's it's a gift. There's there's one word that you said that I wanted to point out to everyone, which I loved because I've never heard a friend describe that way.

She's a vault. Yeah, yeah, there's nothing. And there's the idea that like, you know, because we all have a friend that you like, tell a secret. Please don't tell anyone, but you know they're gonna let it lead because it's gonna get out whatever it is. Everyone has a friend like that. And but but when you know your friends are vote like I love that. I love that thought because there's such a safety there. There's such a security there.

That's that's such a great visual And and Raquel with with you in Tanya as well, like what is it that I guess allowed you to be a friend who is able to listen and not judge, Like where does

that come from for you? Because I think a lot of us feel that if we're not immediately reaffirming what our friends are saying, then our friends are not going to like us, right right, So, like most people think, if my friend came up to me and said, ja, I just broke up, and you know, he was like this whatever, and then if you don't say, oh, yeah, he's a jerk and of course yeah, you're the best, Like we feel like we feel like totally on my side, yeah, exactly.

And if you're listening and just being patient, a lot of people might just be like, well, Raquel, who doesn't care about me or he doesn't really feel sorry for me or whatever. What's given you that ability to be more patient to say, hey, you know what, I'm actually going to listen and be more honest with people rather than just like tell them what they want to hear. Yeah, Well, I think it comes from trying to fully understand and

live out true unconditional love. And when you love someone unconditionally, you're not always telling them what they want to hear. You're saying or listening to what hopefully will lead them to peace. And what I've found is that when you're bashing someone maybe in a moment it feels good, but it doesn't lead to real peace. Even if that person did do something wrong, it's like, okay, you know what

they's that sucks that that happened, that's not okay. But we're not going to waste our time dwelling on that or bashing that person. We're gonna, you know, focus on the future. We're going to focus on what leads ultimately to peace. And so I love my friends, I love the people that are close to me, and so I try to give an honest answer. And then sometimes, you know, the person gets back with that person or they stay with them. And so imagine Tanya is one of my

close friends. She's broken up with a guy, and I'm like, yeah, he's this, he's that, whatever, and then they're back together and I've said all these horrible things about the person that really she was just venting to me in a moment of a hard time that they were having. And so that's the angle that I tried to come at it from, is what is the most helpful, what is the most peaceful, is going to be encouraging, encouraging the

most to her. Yeah, that's great, I think I think that's the kind of friend that everyone says they want. Then we're always not sure when we actually get that, Well, how do we grow? I mean, I welcome that from my friends. I hope people are telling me the truth. I hope people are being honest with me and not just telling me what I want to hear, because then I can't. I can't grow if people aren't being truthful with me. Absolutely. I feel like even in marriage, like

I'm married to someone like yeah, okay. I officiated a wedding last year. I was practicing to my wife before I officiated, and RADI literally told me the day before that it suck and and and every part of my ego was like, no, it doesn't. Like I put it's like, don't you know who I am? And and I listened because it's my wife and I trust her. And after my ego kind of like quiet and down a bit. I was like listening to her, and I was like,

she's saying this for my benefit. She wants me to be awesome tomorrow, and she's telling me in advance so that I can be awesome. Wow. I changed the whole thing, wrote it. It went great, Everything was fine, everyone loved it, But it was just it was so interesting because it's so hard to hear that from the people closest to us sometimes because we just want to hear them adore

us and validate us. Right. So yeah, and of course, you know, if Tanya is coming to me and she's been really hurt by someone, I'm not immediately going to be like, well you know what. Yeah, No, it's acknowledging it. It's being like wow, that's like that's not okay, that's wrong. But then you know, not feeding it. Yeah, I guess. But you know what's interesting why I've learned in friendships and relationships is like there is no right and wrong there.

You know, there's there's two people, there's two different perspectives there. We've all grown up differently, we handle situations differently, and I think that as an individual, we just think our way is the right way and the way we do things is the way that everybody should do things, when in reality, that's not how life is. And so it's kind of just you know, learning how to work in that space of like, Okay, this is how you see it, this is how I see it. Now, how can we

work together to like get to the finish line. Yeah, yeah, I love that. I love that. Let's dive into the book. Um, you chose one hundred days, which I'm fascinated by. Why one hundred days? And I'd love for you to tell us because, uh, it's it's a it's a beautiful number. I like, I like a hundred days. I'm like, you can achieve a lot one hundred days. Yeah, but it feels manageable. Why one hundred days? I think for exactly that reason. I think you do three hundred sixty five,

it feels like, oh wow, that's really overwhelming. We're going to three sixty five. Yeah. No, I think a hundred is digestible and it's you know, you could have done thirty. People say it takes thirty days to create a new habit, or we could have done ninety. But I thought a hundred was like a good number. You've got the three digits, but it's not like, who three sixty five that long to find, hope, enjoy I want maybe No. Yeah. Also, I think having a something that you can go to

daily for an excited period of time is good. But also if you skip a day or two, it's not the end of the world, and you still you know what I mean, Like, I think one hundred of spell Yeah, like a good number. I'm going to tell you that I feel the same way because my original book, the one that's coming out now as well, was meant to be fifty two Rules of Love, and my editor was like, yeah, I think that's really overwhelming. Yeah, so it came down

to eight and it was. It was a similar sort of feeling of like, how do you make it feel manageable and actionable and powerful? But but it's not always easy to do that with the number. But I think a hundred days is great. Like you said, it takes ready to ninety days to form a habit. A hundred days is a brilliant commitment. It feels like you achieve something.

One of the things you talk about in the book is overcoming imposter syndrome, and I love that topic so much because I think that people are and I've only picked my favorite days and things that I think we're really powerful from the book. Overcoming imposter syndrome is such a big thing today because more people have access to more opportunities, more people are seeing more things happening in the world and knowing what's going on in the world.

I know that in my own life I've experienced imposter syndrome multiple times because I'm constantly in rooms that I never thought i'd be, and I'm constantly surrounded by people that I feel inadequate too in some way or week two in some way over time, or rooms that I didn't imagine being or didn't expect to be in, and so imposter syndrome something I experienced time and time and time again. I have my own way of dealing with it.

I'd love to know where I have. Both of you felt imposter syndrome in your life, and let's start there, wherever you felt it first, Let's start there. This is a big one for me because, like Raquel said, when I was early on in my career, I was it wasn't like a beautiful welcoming for me. It was very much my personality is too much. People can only handle me in small doses. I'm a cartoon character, and you know,

in this career it's all your personality. So like that was very damaging at a young age when I was starting out, So in my mind I had I was like twenty one, twenty two. So you hear all that and you believe it because it's coming from people who are way above you in this corporate world, you know. And this is something that I am so grateful. You know. I work with Ryan Seacrest, and he from the very beginning has been so encouraging to me, and he saw something in me. And I would not be where I

am if it wasn't for him believing in me. Because I did have to deal with a lot of adversity from other people. It was very damaging and so and it was like every step of the way in my career, like I remember when I got my first TV gig at E I had it all over again to bat like I was like, I'm too much and I need to, you know, lower myself and be a little bit quieter.

And every step and every milestone that I was making in my career, I felt really nervous at the start because I was just like, I'm not supposed to be here. I don't this isn't I don't deserve this. And and there's also a part of it too where it comes from,

you know. I never dreamed that this was possible, you know, Like I always envisioned it, but I never thought that it was actually going to be a reality, and so when it's actually becoming a reality, it's just this crazy kind of like I don't deserve this type of thing, And so overcoming it has been a process, like a major, major process, because I've had to kind of unwind and

like unhear all of these things. And it's so funny because it's like the people who see potential in you and believe in you, that number was far more than the ones that didn't believe and that try to put me down. But yet those ones are like the loudest voices and they're the hardest that you can't get them out of your head. I think it took me a decade to like get them out of my head. Yeah, that's really done the work. Yeah, yeah, that's so true.

I mean the noise of other people's opinions is always louder than all these voices of support and encouragement and yeah, Raquel, how about you? Yes, So for me, I think having and continuing to remind myself of how big God is and whatever whoever is listening you call it God, the universe,

higher power. I think when we have a revelation of just how big that is, it's extremely humbling and so for me, maybe similar to you, I found myselves in in I found myself in a lot of rooms with people where I'm like, Wow, how did I end up here? And a prayer that I've always prayed as God, I don't want to love anything or anyone more than I love you. And so I think when you go into a room, you understand that I am worthy to be here because I am a human being, and we are

all worthy. And when you understand the bigness of God, the higher power of the universe, you understand that we all play a small part in this journey of being human. And I think that's really allowed me to overcome imposter syndrome because I do feel worthy. I feel worthy to be in the room with people who maybe I admire, maybe have achieved more than me, but like what an honor I get to learn from them, and and I'm worthy to be there because I am human. Oh that's

so beautiful. I love that. That That that really hit me. I love that. And yeah, and I think for me, also from a practical sense, I've started to embrace imposter syndrome as a sign that I'm growing. Yeah, and so I find that I've started to look at imposter syndrome as every time I feel it, it means I'm doing something that's unconstoun I will say, I make it a point to surround myself with better I surround myself with people who are further along than me, who challenged me,

who helped me to grow. And I have always been that way because I want to be better and I don't think we ever arrive. I wrote about it in the book, but I said, Maya Angelo, she did an interview with Oprah and her later years, and she said, I'm still learning. Yeah, I don't know what I know enough. I'm still I've I've learned, you know a lot where I try to live what I know, but I still am not there. And she was considered to be one of the wisest people in the world. It still is,

and so I try to remember that. Yeah, absolutely, an Tanya, what was yours when? Because Raquel looked at you and she was like, you did the work, like what would those ten And you said it took ten years, which I feel is a genuine, real amount of time. I think a lot of the time today we're like, oh, you can get over imposter syndrome like tomorrow and it's like, no, it takes years to craft your relationship with how you feel about feeling like an imposta and I do you

have to say? I feel like it adds a little bit of fuel to the fire, you know what I mean, Like I think it made me. I would go into a carpet and I you wouldn't. The amount of prep I did before a carpet was wild, Like I would be I was doing research. I would watch every single movie, every single TV show, like do the whole background. I really would prepare because I had that imposter syndrome like

you're not good enough, You're not good enough. So it made me overachieved, which I think ultimately was a good thing and a blessing. And so I think in a way I tried to kind of turn the narrative of imposter syndrome, and it was I tried to realize like, oh this is this is helping me, It's like fueling

me a little bit. So I feel like once I started to change the narrative, and you know, I started to grow and I was like okay, yeah, like I just said, of like quiet that voice, Yeah, yeah, I really appreciate that, and I want you to know that I've always appreciated your energy and being around it. So yeah, exactly, it's always been wonderful. And like I remember years ago, that's when I remember connecting with you first was when like I think you told Ryan about Think like a

Monk on one of your episodes. Oh yeah, I was getting hit up with loads of messages about it saying yeah, yeah, and then I think that's I think that was like how we first like at least connected on Instagram, and and to me, it was just I remember watching that clip back and it was just like you were you were so like Ryan had no idea what it was. You were just so positive about what I was. Very passionate. Yeah,

very passionate. I think we take ourselves so seriously. I think that it's okay to be silly and to be animated and to like, you know, I find there's so much vulnerability in those moments of life, and yet nobody wants to talk about these embarrassing things or you know, like I used to do when I was dating, I would like set the dinner table for myself and my future partner, like he wasn't there, but I would, and I would clean out my post so there was space

for him to come like I did. All those weird manifested her entire life. But I'm like, I don't take myself too seriously, you know. I'm like, if somebody says something works for them, I'll try it, you know, try it, and if it doesn't work for you, doesn't work. Share the embarrassing moments because we're all we all have them. Yeah, I can relate to that. I don't think I've ever

talked about this. When I came back from being a monk and I couldn't get a job anywhere, I used to dress up as if I was going to work, and I'd go to my local library and sitting there and read books and apply to jobs. But it was like me going to work like that feeling of like I've got to show up as if I already do, and then I'm able to attract him, able to behave better able to be more professional. And so I love

that example that everyone's gonna be doing that now. Videos. Yeah, I think the setting up at the table was like a little bit maybe too far, but I do I encourage the crea create, like give yourself a drawer that's just empty in your room and give a big chunk of your cloth? Is it that's just empty? And I was like, this is me creating space? Like how am I supposed to bring a man into my life that I desire so much if there's no space for him

in here? Like actually no space. There is not an inch of space in this room for somebody to come in. So I created. I left an entire drawer, like a big drawer. I did not know that. Oh yeah, and now who who takes up more space? I still take up, but there's a lot of space for Robbie. And on the opposite, I have a way bigger wardrobes than Robbie. Bad. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, RADI is so understanding sport. Yeah. All right. The next the next one that I picked

out that I loved, and everyone's listening. There are one hundred days to finding the hope. Enjoy you one. I'm just speaking some of my favorite that stood out to me and talking to these incredible authors, Tanya rad and Michel Stevens. Authors, yes exactly authors And of course you can order the book in the comments and caption um. All right, This second which I loveds be true to you.

I think this is something that is an idea that we really struggle with because I see this meme and I'm sure you both have seen it on like Instagram and TikTok and everyone, and it's it's probably my favorite thing. And so it says, society says, Colon, be yourself. And then society says, Colon, no, not like that. Right, we live in this world where it's that be yourself. And then when you be yourself, and I was like, no, no no, no,

not like that, but please don't be that version of yourself. Yeah, And it's like this really interesting idea that we're constantly be told be true to you. But then when you really see someone in all their authenticity and all their flaws and all their genuineness, we don't like you. We consider it ugly when the truth is we all have that inside of us, like we all are that. So how have you both got comfortable with looking at the parts of yourself that make you uncomfortable? I don't want

to live my life not accepting those things. So I've had times in my life where my flaws are things that I don't maybe love about myself. Have really you know, they've given me anxiety, or they've made me feel badly about myself. You know, when I especially during my high school years, I was like, you know, do I not look good enough? Am I not this enough? Am I

not that enough? And it's like, I'm either going to live like that, live insecure, concerned with you know, maybe more of the external things, or I'm going to be so filled up with who God created me to be, which is loved, valuable, accepted just the way I am. And through doing that and accepting that and through being myself, I feel like I've been able to cultivate a life

that is authentic to me. I have relationships that are real as a result of being myself, of being true to me, because if we're not, the other path is not It's not great. You're going to live constantly anxious. You're gonna have surface relationships because you're hiding a part of who you are. And so I think that it takes courage to be vulnerable. But what's on the other side of that is total freedom and real connection and

all the things that we really want in life. I think what I have found to be the issue with this is social media. And I love social media. I have a really great relationship with it. I have people that the people that follow me on Instagram are so encouraging and so lovely. Yes, there's a couple here and there that are negatives, but for the most part, it's a really beautiful community for me. But I have realized that I think it's really damaging in many ways because

we're playing the comparison game. So it's like, yes, I'm going to be true to myself, but everybody is holding this bag, and so I'm going to spend all my money to get this bag. So I have it in my social media because that's what everybody's doing. And I'm not sitting here to say, you know, spend your money

how you want. But I think that we've been wired to kind of chase this unattainable lifestyle that might not be within our means, and we're, like I wrote about in the book, being financially fit was really important for me because in saving and you kind of have to like take that comparison and live your own life because you're going to go into debt trying to keep up with the Joneses when that's not in your means. And

so I think the comparison game in that way. I talk a lot about finances because I think it's not talked about, especially with younger women. Enough you know the importance of saving. And also with all these filters. I remember I wrote a specific chapter about this because I was very alarming. I'm thirty years old and I was using this supermodel filter and I loved the way I loved my face. I was like, Wow, she's gorgeous, and so I would get I would look in in the

mirror and I would get kind of like how. I even went to the point where I took a screenshot of my face with the filter and a screenshot of my face regular sentence to my friend that's a plastic surgeon, and said what do I need to do to look like this? And he responded with, like, I don't even know it now. There was a nose job, cheek fillers, know, some sort of taking out the fat in my cheek, and I was just like, this is so wild. I am a fully developed woman and I'm having this conversation

right now. Imagine how damaging this is for somebody younger and insecure and figuring out who they are. And so I kind of made a point right then and there, I stopped using filters on Instagram because I was like, I don't want anybody to see me in a different way, and I also don't want to mess with my own head and like look in the mirror and think, oh, you know, I want to look in the mirror and

see myself. And so I made a really big point to just like stop using the filters, and I put a challenge in the book for people to do the same for even just like twenty four hours, just to like post without a filter. It's okay and kind of get used to that, because I think the more you the more you are accepting of yourself in every way social media and not on social media, it just gives you a different sense of confidence. I think, Yeah, can you show me that filter off towards ye, make sure

lips big that that. I love that challenge. By the way, I think that challenge is awesome. I love the idea that it's obviously if anyone wants to change the way they look or anything. You know, I don't think anyone

here saying that. Yeah, I don't think I'm not against any of it, but I think that there's a fine line between you know, uh, looking at yourself and just being sad on a regular basis and just and almost that distance that's created between when you start seeing yourself as someone else on a screen, right, and then when you start seeing yourself as someone else in the mirror,

and that distance wider and wider and wider. That's really hard, yeah, right, And if I remember when, so when we're in the monastery, there were no this is really phenomenal. When we're in the monastery, there's no mirrors, so you lose the idea of identity and how you look. Now you you shave your hair and stuff, so you don't even have hair

to look at it. Whatever. But the point is that I would catch myself looking at my reflection when I was like if I was on the streets and I was walking past a store or window, I would catch myself looking at my reflection because I was so used to that from before, and it was so interesting to me to not look in the mirror for like a big chunk of my life is such a fascinating thing of like you lose that sense of like that's important and you actually have time to go in that's wild

ye yeah. And so so hearing your idea in the same way of like, hey, don't really use filters, You actually get more time to get to know yourself. You get more time to love yourself, appreciate yourself, and deal with the reality rather than a false reality that can really mislead you and mess you up with when you do look in the mirror and now you're disappointed with how you look. Face tune is wild. I mean you can, you can really do some wild things on that. Yeah,

you have to be really skilled to use those things. Yeah, but it does. No, I'm not, I'm terrible. I'm like terrible all of that stuff. But but no, I really love both your answers to that, and I love that challenge. And the book has more challenges and which I love, which I love challenges because I think that they're the simple little habit tricks and hacks that we need in

order to learn these very deep, profound lessons. Yeah. The other thing I was just saying on an interview that I was doing was the idea of and I'd love everyone to think about this, and I'd love you to come up with a challenge for this, maybe like the real time, maybe I just came up with this, So ignore me if it's really hard, if we'll try, and

if it goes terribly, we'll cut it out. Okay, So I was talking about So we talked about the mirror one about me and the monster, and actually what you're coming up with is like a brilliant challenge for that

same principle. Another thing that I felt I learned while living as a monk was we lost the concept of time because I didn't have to be anything by twenty five, or if I would have stayed longer as a monk, it wasn't like by thirty you have to be married in this right, like, So when I lived as a monk, there was no timeline because once you were a monk, you're a monk, and there was nothing that you had to do at thirty forty fifty. And obviously I didn't

I wasn't there for that long. But you could see the seventy year old monks, we're doing the same thing that the twenty five year old monks are doing, Like there was no big discrepancy in there. And so you lose the sense of time. How do you think we can all let go of that sense of like, well, by thirty, I need to be in a relationship by forty.

I need to be a millionaire by whatever it may be, right these timelines that society comes up with, can we could we all co create a challenge that helps people lose a sense of time. It's funny that you bring that up, because I think that's something that I really struggle with right, like very much. So, you know, I thought I was going to be married with kids at twenty five and so, and that didn't happen. I was like, oh,

you know what, and I have something. I wanted you to share an example that you have told me before, because I think it's really good. I think that there's a scripture that I love, and it says talks about like content with little, content with much. You know, it talks about being content with whatever circumstance you're in. And I think what's interesting is that we can be like, oh, I just really want to be married. I really want a partner. And then you talk to your married friends

and they're like, enjoy your single like whatever. You talk to people with kids, You're like, I want kids, and they're like, oh, enjoy having no kids. And you know, I think that each season of life is so beautiful and unique in its own way. And I think when we make a choice to just be happy and grateful for right now, and it's like, Okay, I'm single, I don't have kids. I have my freedom. I can pick up and do whatever I want at any time, Like that is a blessing for right now. But Tanya got

a direct message. I tell him the story. Okay, see everybody the story. It's so beautiful that really that's such a I love that content with little, content with much, with much. Yeah, that's beautiful. And it is so important to appreciate the season that you're in because I think I was never shy about the fact that I want I wanted to be married, I want to have kids, and that's a desire of my heart. So like I

would pursue that like I pursued my career. When I tell you I went on probably two hundred dates in seven years. I went on probably more, and I really gave it my all, like I pursued it just as hard as I pursued my career. And it's funny because I think God did this, like he purposefully gave me a very long single season, because I would not have pursued my career the way that I did had I

been in a romantic relationship. And I know that about myself because I go, I'm all in, you know, like I'm all in on my relationship right now and I love it. It's the best season ever. But had this been ten years ago, I wouldn't have been able to build what I did. And so I know, like God was like, I see you. I know I'm going to fulfill the desire of your heart, maybe not in the time that you think. And it's interesting because I got

this DM and I had spent the day. I went on like a nine mile run, and I was cleaning out my apartment and I was saging, and I was you know, I was on Instagram and just saying, you know what I was doing for the day. And I was going through a breakup. So I was harper. I was really sad, and I wasn't shy about it. And some woman responded to me and she said, I would

give anything to trade lives with you. Right now. I am currently breastfeeding one baby, potty training another that's peeing all over the floor while I'm making my husband breakfast. I would give anything to be in your situation right now. And here she is with the life that I desire, and she's saying she wants to switch places with me, And so it was such like a direct message from God that like, you're where you're supposed to be. Enjoy this moment, enjoy the season. It's not going to be

like this forever. You know, seasons don't last forever. They are seasons for a reason, and so it was like very timely that message. Wow, Yeah, I guess the challenge could be think about your life today and where you're at and what you're grateful for. So maybe write it down. I'm if I'm single, I have my freedom. I can go to bed when I want, I can to the store if I want to, I can go meet a friend.

If you have kids, think about, you know, things that you're grateful for with your kids, with your husband, and so maybe the challenges. You know, I'm grateful for this right now instead of focusing on future. I want more of this, I want a better job, I want you know, partner, boyfriend, husband, kid, like, just think about It's it's gratitude, right, and I think

gratitude eliminates angst about the future. But I also think I remember reading this in your first book it was about not attaching your happiness to like things, to the title or the whatever, you know what I mean, It's like attaching your happiness to this like state of mind and like relationships and that stuff. That is what life is about. Yeah, No, I love what you're both saying.

I think the Freaky Friday moments really interesting, Like this idea of like switching lives with someone that you think has it all. And if you were able to do that, most of us, you know, maybe with backtrack to some degree or there'd be some more appreciation for our life even if And of course that's that's different depending on

how different those examples are. But I think also it's different for women because we do have like a biological clock, so there is like that little timeline and I've I've been kind of dealing with that a little bit lately. But I think now there's so many resources, there's so much you can do. I know women that are having babies on their own, you know, they couldn't find a partner and so they're just doing it on their own. And I think it's such a liberating time to be

a woman. And so I think all of these things are slowly starting to like become less of a timeline. Yeah, yeah, definitely, And I agree with you. I think that, you know, I think the pressure to do something because of just time, and you're right. As a woman, definitely you experience it far more. And it's I talked to Rady about this all the time, and it's it's such a Yeah, it's a challenge, but I like that challenge, your quell of like bigring out what you currently have that you once

dreamed of. Yeah, it's almost like when you currently have that you really wanted. Yeah, because there was a time, like you're saying that you will have really pursued the career. Now you have the career and you're pursuing the next thing. And it's like, yeah, but what do I have right now that I once really wished for. It could be as small as I get a bit of free time. It could be as big as I have the career I want. It could be as huge as I have the partner and the kids, whatever it is, or I

can run a mile today. It can be so small exactly. And I one more thing too that I want to say, is what which touches on all of this and helps with it, and is Actually the reason that we wrote the book is that the best advice I could give to anyone is to prioritize your inner life, because when your inner life is strong, you can handle anything that

comes your way. So those seasons where you're like really wishing and hoping for that thing and you don't have it yet, your inner life is what sustains you when you get the job, when you have the partner that you've always wanted, it humbles you and it fills you with gratitude. It as opposed to ego and arrogance and everything in between. When your inner life, when your spirit strong, even in the mundane moments, that's what gives you inspiration,

fills you with awe. And so I think just the best life advice for anyone at any age is prioritize your inner life. That will fill you up to be able to handle anything that comes your way. Absolutely absolutely. I have something that I often repeat to myself from others, which is when things are bad, work hard, or when things are good, work harder. Yeah, and I mean that on your internal self. When things are good externally, it's really easy to forget that. Actually you're only able to

have this amazing external experience because of the inner work. Absolutely, like years ago or months ago, and then when things are great, you like stop doing the inner work, and then all of a sudden, now you're in a cloudy season and that because you didn't do the inner work in the last season, it's not protecting you. And so I yeah, I love that. And if that's the heart of the book, I think you know it, really I

would love that. I know our community does that. Everyone who listens to on purpose is such an inner work person, and I'm glad that they now have a hundred new ways of doing that. One of the other ones, I've got a few more if you don't mind it, right, I want to talk about this one because I think it's a big one. Be done with shame, right, This one was like, this one really stood out to me because I think shame and guilt are things all of

us carry in so many different ways. They weigh us down, They let us potentially push someone away that we love, They block us from receiving love. Shame and guilt are just this huge what looks like a shield, but actually it's just a barrier and keeping things out and not letting us be ourselves and not letting people love us. Talk to me about what shame and guilt has blocked in your life and how you've changed your relationship with

shame and guilt. Yeah, so Brene Brown about shame as shame as I am bad, and guilt is I've did I've done something bad. And guilt can be a good thing right makes us not repeat the same mistakes. But shame is a deep, deep belief of Brine. Brown describes two things shame and guilt. Shame as I am bad, guilt as I've done something bad. Guilt can be good and healthy because it helps us to not make the

same mistakes again. Shame is extremely difficult and heartbreaking because it's a deep belief of I am bad, I'm not good enough, I'm not this enough, I'm not that enough. And when we live our lives from a place of shame, we miss out on being our true, authentic self. And so I almost could cry talking about it, because shame it you know, in friends that I've close, friends that I have that have experienced shame. It breaks my heart

because you can see, you know, it's stabilitating. And in my own life areas where I've felt some shame, maybe I'll go back to high school. Maybe you know other girls getting the boyfriend, or that me not feeling pretty enough for example. You have to do the inner work right because it's like that's not true. It's like, I am beautiful. God's created me exactly the way that I am meant to be. And if I go on to

carry that shame, then that's going to affect me. It's going to affect me when I'm out on dates, it's going to affect you know, how I see myself, and

that is extremely detrimental. And so you get through shame through first acknowledging it, being able to speak it aloud, maybe to a trusted friend, and then you pray about it or you meditate on it, and that's when you do the inner work of like, okay, God, the universe, help me to see myself as you see me, beautiful, wonderful, made exactly the way that I was created to be. And it takes time and it takes work. Tanya's really big on visual, like seeing things visual. She You've told

me before about your body. You'll right on the mirror, I am this, I am beautiful, I am this, and seeing it and speaking that over yourself so when negative thoughts come, I'm you know, I'm I don't like my love handles or whatever. It's like, I'm beautiful that my love handles are beautiful and speaking truth over yourself and that is how you come against shame. Well that's a

great explanation. Thanks. Yeah, No, I mean I could. We could do a whole podcast on shame because I literally I'm like getting emotional thinking about it right now, because no, you could cry. It breaks my heart. It's like, I guess people live in that they live in. I can't believe you start crying on podcasts right now, But I my friends that I and you can see it on people and you can feel it off of them and

it holds them back. And that's why I care a lot actually about We want to take this book into schools and into junior highs and high schools because kids that are dealing with shame, their brains are developing or is. It's a lot harder when you're adult. I think about my friends that are adults and they are experiencing that shame. It's a lot harder to move forward and change those negative self beliefs. But when you're younger, it's it's easier

because your your brains aren't fully developed. So it is possible everyone can do the work, everyone can heal and change. But it absolutely breaks my heart. And for anybody who's listening who feel shame about something in their life, maybe they haven't ever shared with anybody, It's like, it doesn't matter what it is, you are, you are enough, nobody

is ever too far gone. There's a mistake you've made, there's nothing you've done that can't be healed, and it's just Yeah, and the difference that she expressed from Brenda Brown, the difference between guilt and shame is so powerful because it is it's like we've all we all make mistakes, we all trip, we all fall, and being able to kind of like speak on that guilt, pray about it. I made that mistake and I don't want to live in that mistake and moving forward with my life, like

is so there's so much power or in that. I think a lot of people don't know how to get to the other side. Yeah, And I think often we stop other people moving on with their guilt because we're still stopping ourselves from moving on from our guilt. Yeah, And it's like an insecurity when we see someone say I'm going to leave my shame behind guilt help me grow, and we can't deal with that because we haven't done that for ourselves. Yeah, so powerful, And I'm putting out

there too. I think I think this book would make a great book club book. Yeah. I can see a lot of people reading it together are reflecting on a lot of these ideas, doing these challenges together. Like it's a very practical book, and I'm a big fan of practical books because I think that it's not just a book that you're going to read on your own. Hopefully there's a book that you grab for your friends. You're

going to read it together. You're going to discuss all these even in the way us three are like, this is really I find this really therapeutic, Like you know right now, even me, but even me, like I feel like I'm opening up because you guys are opening up. And there's these beautiful themes that you've selected in the book that everyone can relate to. Like none of them everything that everyone, everything we've all said is is stuff that we're all dealing with in very unique different way. Totally,

but it's still there. Okay, I've got a couple more that I want to pick up. I really like this one because it's obviously linked to my new book Eight Rules of Love. Yes, And I love that this comes up in your book, so it's prioritize character over chemistry. And I love this because you know, I'm a I'm a big romantic. I'm a big fan of chemistry, and I'm also just a big fan of love, like I'm

obsessed with it. I'm kind of like you in the sense of I always had this obsession with wanting to be madly in love, wanting to be married, wanting to have like this amazing relationship like that was a big part of who I want, what I wanted when I was a kid. And then I married someone who doesn't like PDA, who doesn't like who isn't a romantic. It's been amazing, Like it's it's so much growth and a beautiful but I love this idea of character over chemistry.

And I wanted you to describe and maybe China, you can start with this one. It's like, what is the what is the difference? And then what did you mean by this? So I was at this a friend's wedding of um, this was a while ago and the the guy that was officiating the wedding, the pastor said it was it was a Bible verse and it was all about prioritizing character over chemistry. And he said, chemistry can lead to some healthy, you know, couple good years of marriage.

Character is what's going to last you a lifetime in a marriage. And I started thinking about that, and it's so true. When you're dating. Chemistry is the first thing that we all just we all cling to, you know, I want to make out with you. I like, you know, I'm very physically attracted to you. Chemistry is what takes the dating world, you know, to the next step. But it's the character. You can have chemistry with somebody and that, but that's going to fizzle, it's like a fire, it's

going to burn out. But character is what lasts a lifetime. And so that's what I found to be so interesting when I was in my dating world, because it was I was prioritizing the chemistry. It was like, oh, no, I don't want to go out with him because like I don't want to make out with him, you know, Like that was always my go too. It was like, what was I physically attracted to? Him, And yes, I think that is important obviously in a relationship, but I

don't think it is the number one thing. And I think if you meet someone or you know, the friends are trying to set you up and they're like, this is a really quality person, they have a really great character, I think it's totally worth going out with because that's what's going to last the lifetime, I think. And that's something that I always say about my boyfriend right now. His character is like, yes, yes he is. Just his

character is so strong. He's got great energy. He's been through so much in his life and you wouldn't even know it because he puts it like he just carries himself so well. He doesn't bring past experiences into his new relationship. He just has such a strong character. And I think that and we obviously have chemistry too, But the character is what trump's everything like. It is just it's so porton. I think when you're dating, remembering that

is like so crucial. So I want to ask you, and there's two hundred dates you went on, which which by the way, is inspiring, and I want to talk. I want you to talk about that because I have so many friends right now who struggle with dating, are scared of dating. I was literally talking to a friend. You know who you are if you're listening to this episode. I sent a voice note late last night to a friend saying, dude, there's a guy I was like you justifying.

I was like, dude, you literally need to meet this person because I don't see what's what you don't like about her, like as in and if you don't go out on a date, you're not going to know anything. You can't decide based on a picture in someone's bio of like, so I was just saying, you need to get out there. And I think so many people today and we have to be honest, like the pandemic set

us back with social interactions, social anxiety. When people are scared of meeting people, people are forgotten how to have conversation. People may not be as confident with who they are anymore, Like, yeah, we can't ignore that. How did you, first of all, how did you find the courage inspiration to go out on two hundred dates? Like every time? Because I think people got on one or five and they're seven and

they're tired, exhausting, Yeah, and it's very disheartening. Yeah, so so let's talk about that first, and then the second part I'm going to ask you is and I'll save the second question and then Raquel, I'm coming to you in a second. Yeah, i'd love to talk to her about it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I think the thing that I was like the one hit wonder. I'll go out with anybody once because I'm with you, like, you don't

know if you're gonna get along with somebody. You can only tell so much on a photo and a bio. So I would always say yes to a first date. But I matter what not, even if you didn't like their picture, even if you want attractive. Yeah, I would go out. Um, but I was I didn't go on very many second dates. Like I'm very quick to know, and so I would know like it's not going to happen. So when I say two hundred, it was just like, yeah, I would just keep it moving, you know, keep it moving.

There were a couple in there that I would date, you know, a couple months here and there, and I think I did the longest I did somebody was six months. Um. So they're like little heartbreaks throughout the whole, and it is it's disheartening. It's just like, is he out there? Like I thought this was going to be him, and then it turns out, you know this guy like I dated when I tell you the stories, and that's why I wrote the Dating Book, because I'm like, it's it

feels like a movie some of these things. I met a guy and Wilshire Boulevard rolled down his window, asked me on a date, went out with him. He was totally yeah, yeah, yeah, she really said yes. Yes, I literally said yes. But you know, time after time it does get very disheartening. But I always had this journal, it's called My Dear Future Husband Journal, and after really bad dates, I would come home and I would just

write and and that's the book. Yeah yeah, but I would always look at I would write and like I would write about hope and the hope that I had for this man. I knew it was out there, because when God puts a desire in your heart, he fulfills it. Again, it might not be on your timetable, but like, it's such a strong desire of my heart to have a partner, to share a life, to be married, to have a family, and so I knew he was going to fulfill it.

So I would write to my future husband, just I would just write to him in this journal after every bad date, and it kind of kept me out of that mindset of this sucks. There's nobody out there like uh, our guys really like you know, I mean, it was everything under the sun. So that journal really helped me keep hope alive in my life. So that's kind of how I navigated the dating. Oh all right, Raquel, I'm coming to you, and then I'm coming back to you

for the qui quel. All right, So no, well, I guess the questions about obviously this character of a chemistry piece. And you know you've you know, you've talked about this before, just about how like dating in relationships a secret you and it's hard like you, you're not you don't just

dive in. No, no, no, you know, you're very careful and composed and like again, you know, I think you're such an accomplished person internally and externally and and society and I talk a lot about this in my book, where society has made us believe that we're inadequate if we're not with someone. Absolutely, yeah, I completely disagree with that. Obviously, you have another section in this book which is all about the power of finding solitude, which I love, which

I'm such a big proponent of. And even in Tanya's case, she was talking about how like being single was so important for her now being together and she was able to achieve things. So how do you how have you made peace with that part in your life where that's something you're figuring it out, it's not something that's worked out, But you're not disqualifying yourself because of it. You're not

making it reflect on who you are. And obviously, as I'm saying, I know who you are and anyone I'm just throwing out there would be lucky to be with Raquel, And I mean that, and I've always said that to you, like off camera, like you know, yeah and so. But but you're someone who's who's patient and getting it right. So like, how do you deal with that as we're dealing with all these other guys as well, because great questions. So, first of all, character over chemistry every day. I completely

agree with everything that Tanya said. You can find a lot of people that you have chemistry with, but you want to be with a person of character. That's what's going to lead to a peaceful life. I have not dated seriously in the last ten years, which I think can be really surprising to people because they're like, you're in your twenties, it's you know, your prime, and you're not dating. And it is something that I take extremely seriously. So I do go on dates and I'm open to it.

But unless something truly feels right and I see the person as a person of integrity, a person of character, I time is too precious and I will not invest my time in someone that I don't feel is right for me. And through not dating, I've been able to have an amazing time in my twenties with my friends and building a career and traveling and living a great, very fulfilled life as a single person. And I feel

enough and whole on my own. So for me to be with someone, which I would love to to be with someone, I would like to find a partner of character, someone that together we are stronger, I love that. Saying you know two or stronger than one, I would absolutely love that. But I am totally content and at peace in the meantime, and I'm open to it, and I think that you know you're right. There is a lot of pressure on people to feel like, oh, I'm not enough if I don't have a partner, But of course

we are. We're individuals and we are you know the truth that you're born alone and you die alone, and so your relationship with you is the most important thing to prioritize. And when you prioritize that, then you're going to be the best version of yourself for when that partner does. But I do think it's like so important for people to hear that because I do think that there are a lot of people, myself included. If I looked at myself at twenty one, I didn't think I

could function without. I was just jumping from a relationship

to relationship. I didn't want to be alone. And when I was single, I was able, Like I lived alone for the first time, and I you know, I started investing my money and like, you know, things that I just never thought that I would do or what I could do on my own, you know, Like I always say, like I'm a modern woman, and I really feel like I developed this strong sense of self and now that I do have a partner, he it does it just it's like, um, it is she just made me stronger

as a person and my life better. But I feel like it's so important because if you just attach yourself to somebody because you don't want to be single, yeah, it can lead you down a bad path. You know, it's not going to lead you to your potential if you're just dating somebody because you don't want to be alone. I think you needed to date someone to elevate you. Yeah, yeah,

And I think I think it's so right. Like I think when you run from relationship to relationship to relationship, that's when you fall in love instead of growing in love. And I think for anyone, like I've been with rather enough for nearly ten years, and it's it's been more growth than falling, like like that fallen growth. Yeah, we fell in love, sure, like that statement. As always, I've

always wanted to fall in love. So that's that's that's because of Hollywood, and that's because of movies and music. That's not because of me. When now, as someone who believes I'm in love with someone who's in love with me, we're growing every day. We don't fall more deeply in love together like we grow more deeply in love. There's so much more evolution and learning, and it's really interesting.

I was talking about this the other day that so many people feel like enjoyment is the peak of a relationship, and I'd actually say, like the amount you've grown together and involved together is like the peak of a relationship because it makes life easier, yea, rather than you know, just pleasure, not saying there isn't any kind of like the chemistry and character point. I want to go back to both of you on that because I fully agree

with you too. How do you discern character? Like how do you because I think a lot of people say, I know if I'm attracted to someone, right, I know, if we have a bit of a spark because we're going back and forth and there's you know, distress and excitement. But character, It's like, how do you know? Because character is such a big word. You know, we always hear these scary stories about I was dating this guy and

then he had a whole other family, like in another state. Right, I don't know, podcast arts out with like this shady boyfriend, I'm like huh yeah, or like or like you find out that you know, this person isn't everything they said they were. They didn't have that much money or whatever it was, or like well they didn't look like whatever, like there's just so many and yeah, those are all extreme scenarios, right, so I don't want to put that

out there. Yeah yeah, make everyone feel like, oh my god, everyone you meet, but you have to be skeptical and they have to get a private investigator or something like that. But but I guess my point is, how have you learned to discern character when you are meeting people and when you were dating? And I would love to hear it from someone who's gone through that process, like more

recently than me. I think, Um, the way that they handle obviously the first meeting, offering to pick you up or you know, like offering to pick you up, but also saying if you're more comfortable to meet there, but like the gesture seeing if they want to come to you. How do they treat the people at the restaurant? You know, how do they treat the waiter? How do they treat the hostess? Are they you know, um, when they're speaking about their life and their passions and other people, are

they talking badly about other people? Do they have a sense of spirit or you know what I mean? Like, I think it's just being super like lasered in on how they're you know, like on a first date, there's only so much you can tell, but I feel like you can also still tell a lot well. And I think I'm really big on looking at the fruit of people's life. And I think what I mean by that is who are their friends? Who do they surround themselves with? Are they generous it doesn't have to be with money,

or they generous with their relationships? Are they generous with their time? But I think who people have around them says a lot about a person. So if you meet someone and you meet the friends, are they're not really cutting it, you know what I mean, it's or or there's certain things that feel a little bit off, then that's a sign. Yeah, those are great. I love all of those. Everyone's listening and watching. Write those down, yeah,

because they're so awesome. To take a screenshot of where we are on the episode right now, because all of those are such great ways to know character. Some of mine that I love is I want to see someone when they're tired, stressed, and irritated. Feel like when I see someone and that doesn't make me decide whether they're a good person or bad person, because, by the way, I'm really not nice on I'm irritated. But it's like, I want to see someone with those emotions because that's

like really seeing their character. When you see people in a date in an interview format, they're really tired, stressed, they're fatigued. And when you see someone who's feeling those things, like I remember when I first saw Rady in those ways, or Rady saw me in those ways, it was healthy for us to actually get to know the kind of like the reality of certain emotions you are going to feel if you end up with someone. Yeah, those don't come out for a while. I think the character, it's

not tested in our good moments. It is tested in our somebody. But I think you can figure that out on a date, you know what I mean. I think also like learning, when you're learning about somebody, you can

really kind of ask questions. And I feel like I remember when I was inating, I was very aware of my mishaps and my patterns that were toxic and dating, and you know what I mean, like being able to share that with somebody and like being vulnerable, like you know, I used to do this a lot, and I would, you know, kind of being vulnerable in that way and then just kind of seeing how they also dealt with, you know, adversity in their life, I think is also

a true testament to carry before we get to the final five. Is there a question I haven't asked you or something that's on your heart? Both of you are such hot, centered, deep people that, like, I want to make sure that if there's anything intuitively that's within you that you really want to share with the on Purpose community.

Is there something that's on your mind or heart that I haven't asked you or you really want to share that you'd like to share our hope with right It's it's hard work to write a book, you know, and so our hope is really that that people would read it and you know, they would feel like they're reading along with two friends, and that they would know that they're not alone. And I'm not just saying that as something to say, whatever you're facing in life, you are

not alone. And so you know, we welcome people sending us, you know, direct messages or you want to send an email if you know you have questions, or even if you want prayer for something, like you know, I'm here and we're here, and we are all in this journey together, on this journey together, and I think that it can be easy to turn on the news or to look at our world today and feel very discouraged and think, this is not the Sunshine mind. This is a dark world.

There's a lot of unrest. But the truth is there is way more good in the world than there is bad, and sometimes you have to fight a little bit for it. But it is possible to live life with what we call the Sunshine Mind. And I hope that people through reading this can can feel that from our writing. Yeah, I really I do. I hope that there are tangible

things that people can take away, you know. And we wrote in their like live life through Hope colored glasses, because I think oftentimes it's easier to look at the negative and go down a dark path. And I think that we choose hope, we choose joy, and it's not to be little people that have, you know, strong feelings and things that are going on their lives. But I think like on the daily you can really you can kind of train your brain to look at life in

a different way. And so yeah, we'll find that, yeah, so beautiful. And again the book is called The Sunshine Mind. One hundred Days to Finding the Hope and enjoy you one Tanya rad and Raquel Stevens. Make sure you follow them again. If you don't, go and grab a copy of the book. I have my final five that we ask every guest who's ever been on the show on their first time on the show. Right, So this is a rapid, fire fast five, which means the questions can

only be answered in one word to one sentence maximum. Well, okay, there are people who follow the rules and there's nothing to win apart from my validation that there's some people that do it perfectly and there's some people that go off piece. I would prefer that we keep it tight because it's it's it's part of it. It makes them fun. Okay, and whoever ghos friend doesn't matter. We can do back

and forth on each question. All right. The first question is, um, what is the best advice you ever you've ever received, heard or given? There's room for everyone. Chelsea Handler told me that, like one of my first days of work. Oh that's too much. Sorry, that's a great answer. No, no, no, If I keep nodding, yeah, there's room for everyone. That's cool. Prioritize the inner life. My mom taught me that I love that both great answers, very tight and very precise,

makes a lot of sense, all right. Second question, what is the worst advice you've ever heard, received, heard, or received? If he loved me, he would, because I'm going to ask you to complete that for me. If he loved me, he would. We always say if somebody loves you enough, they will do anything and everything, and I think that that's just not It's such an unrealistic expectation that we've been told for years and years and years, and I think it's it's it's problematic. That's you love that one.

Got another episode on that, all right, Riquee. Right before I moved to La twelve years ago, I was living in Chicago and someone said to me, you're meant to stay here. You know, the grass isn't greener on the their side is greener where you water, which I think that statement can be true certain times. But you know, I disagreed with that person, who is a big voice in my life at the time. I wrote about it in the book and I thought, no, my piece is

telling me that I'm meant to go to La. And I think a lot of times when people are close to us, we can listen to their advice and actually go with it, but listen to people, but then trust your inner voice. Great, great, Okay, so yeah it's bad advice because they were asking you to stay, telling me to stay, and I thought the first second, I was like, maybe I will stay, but no. Question number three, what's the biggest lesson you've learned in the last twelve months.

Compromise is a beautiful thing. I think people often hear that word and they think you're selling yourself. Sure, I think it can be a very beautiful thing. All right, riquee. When you're living a life of integrity, you always sleep peacefully at night. Wow. I think I had a lot of moments this past year, like career stuff, different things that happened, or you know, people say that. So they said that, and it's like, no, you know who I am.

I had to say watching you through that season of life. Yeah, as a friend, it was she was so admirable to just see anybody that was in that situation could have really crumbled and really, you know, been shaken up by everything that was going on, and it did not repelt.

She knows who she is, she knows the person, she knows her character, and she was not like it was just it was really cool to see because you really do, like I mean and everything that's in the book, like you really these are this is how we live our life and it's in those moments when you're faced with these situations that it comes into play. And like you really strong question Num before, what's your favorite day each in this book that you can't wait when they when

people get it for them to read. Is there a specific day that, like, out of the hundred days that you both like feel is one of your favorites that you can't wait for people to get to. I'm a big fan of catch a Vision. I love I make vision boards every single year. Um, so I think catch a Vision is one of my favorites. I can't remember exactly which day it was, but the one on forgiveness I wouldn't expect you remember, catch a Vision is day fifty four? Ye, catch a Vision is day fifty four.

And then which one is your one? Forgive? Forgive someone sixty three? Yeah? Yeah, so forgive someone on page sixty three, thank you Jay for reminder or for telling us day sixty three. Um, you can't live a life of freedom without being able to forgive. And so I forgive everybody and everything. Um. Sometimes that's a little more of a process. Sometimes it's easy, um, but it is essential to live a happy life, beautiful all right. Fifteen final question for

both of you. We we failed on this. Fin been chatting away, No, No, I've been asking yeah, felt it? Well, it's I always get intrigued by yea and they I asked people to answer them in one word, one sentence, because then people get really thoughtful and then you can really get into it. Okay. Fifth and final question. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? I mean I already thought of mine. Oh all right, but it goes

along with the book. But I would want either no filters or anything on social media or people. It has to, um, like say, what was used on this photo? Do you know what I mean? Because I think as a young girl, you're looking at all these photos and they've been photoshopped, and they've been put through so many filters, and you don't you don't see that. So it's like, if these platforms would tell you how much work was in putting this photo, I think it would relieve a lot of

these expectations that we put on ourselves. So I think either removing all those or having like to disclose what you used on your photos video, that's great. We've never had that on the show. I love that. That's really I think because I do. I think that there's a lot that goes into our psyche that we from scrolling that you don't even realize is going into your psyche. That's very problematic. So if it's just all out there, you want to use your whatever's, use them, but just

tell people. I love that. One mine would be don't judge. And I heard Maya Angelo to quote her again, she said something along the lines of if you are human being, you could never say of another human being. I would never do that because if you were living their life circumstances, if you were in their shoes, you would maybe be capable of the same. And so I think we have to be very slow to judge each other, and we need to give a lot more love, a lot more compassion,

beautiful answers. Ever, on the books called The Sunshine Mine Hundred Days to Finding the Hope, Enjoy You Want, Tanya rad and Raquel Stevens, she go and grab a copy of the book. I'm so excited my friends. One of my favorite things is to use my platform and community to support my friends and people that I love, people that I think are bringing amazing energy into the world. And these two wonderful humans are doing just that. So I hope you'll show them all your love, all your support,

all your energy and excitement. It would mean the world to me. And thank you both for your time and energy on on purpose. Thank you for means so much to us. And this has been incredible. Yeah. I could sit here for all day literally by having too much fun. Yeah, I really really appreciate it, Like honestly, can't say thank you enough. Amazing love, thank you, thank you, Jay, thank you.

If you love this episode, you'll really enjoy my episode with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic and how to speak to yourself with more compassion.