So there are some opportunities that you need to say yes to to accelerate your dreams, and there are some opportunities you need to say no to to accelerate your dreams. Saying no doesn't mean you're slowing down, and saying yes doesn't always mean you're speeding up. And so say yes when you get an opportunity to learn something, say yes when you get an opportunity to grow in a certain way, and say no when it doesn't sit with your values. Hey, Hey, hey, everyone,
welcome back to On Purpose. I am so happy, I am so grateful. I am so excited that you chose to be here with me right now, and that we get to spend this time together, invest this time together
into bettering ourselves. If you're one of the millions of people that is dedicating every single week time, energy, presence, and attention to listen to On Purpose, or whether you're someone who just started listening today, I just want to take a moment to say how much I value you, how much I appreciate you, how grateful I am to you,
and just what an incredible community we have. As I've been saying, I am so excited for the day I can go on tour with On Purpose, meet you all in person, give you all a big hug, and we could share that energy in one space. I'm going to be reading a few reviews from ones that I've been finding on Apple and Spotify, so if you haven't left a review, please do. It makes a huge different to the podcast. So here's one that I love. This is
from Ashna. Hey, j, I love your podcast and I listen to it twice a week during my commute to work Mayashank is one of my favorite guest episodes because she seems so happy and filled with energy, and she has inspired me to continue to follow passion for psychology. That's awesome. I love hearing that. She goes on to say, I love your work. Jay. Listening to your podcast has helped me be a better person and peer for many people. I am able to show up and serve them with love, patience,
and grace. I love that, Ashna, Thank you so much. Now this one is from Dana. Wow. Jay, Each episode hits in a different way, but always exactly what I need. You're an absolute genius. I can't express enough how grateful I am for you serving your community with on Purpose. You have opened my eyes to many new concepts and reminded me of things I already knew but forgot along the way. This podcast is an essential part of my growth journey and has become a habit to listen to weekly.
And you go on and on and it's beautiful. I feel so deeply grateful and touched by all of these messages. I'm scrolling through them right now and it's just truly,
truly beautiful. So thank you so much. So when I'm thinking about what I want to share with you, I honestly sit down to reflect on what I think I've been going through this week, what stories I've heard from clients, from friends, from family, from people that I bump into, from events that I've been to, and I realize that confidence is a big issue because with insecurity anxiety, a lot of the challenges we experience are because we have
a lack of confidence. And as someone who believes that confidence is a habit and a muscle that has to be constantly practiced and developed, I wanted to share with you this episode, which is going to introduce you to the seven habits that confident people possess and how they do things differently, and they also do things differently to how we perceive confidence. So there are going to be many moments in this episode where I think you're going
to be surprised by what I say. There's going to be an insight that is to make you think again and make you start pause and reflect. And as I always say, I'm trying to help give you more insight, but also deeper insight. So this podcast is going to go deeply into confidence beyond the stereotype superficial advice we hear about how to be confident. In this episode, I'm going to take you a step deeper. Now. The first principle, which is so powerful and so important, is saying yes
and then figuring it out. The thing I love about this principle is that when you say yes and then choose to figure it out, you've placed positive pressure on yourself to have to figure it out. Now, if you were asked to do something and you didn't know how to do it and you said no, what happens You lose the opportunity, but more importantly, you lose the opportunity need to learn. Now that you've said no, you don't have to grow. Now that you've said no, you don't
have to learn. Now that you've said no, you have no need to follow up. That's it, end of the story. It's done. But when you say yes, you now have created that positive pressure to say, Okay, well how long do I have to learn this? Okay, I've got six weeks. Okay, let me make a plan, let me get focused, let me get activated, let me get scheduled, planned, organized. So not only have you gained an opportunity, you've gained the opportunity to develop skills. And it's so much more about
the skills you developed than even the opportunity. Now, I was really fortunate. I came across this quote and idea from Richard Branson very early on in my life. I think I was around maybe fifteen or sixteen. I still remember reading this quote and he said, if somebody offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say yes, then learn how to do it later. And that's exactly a trait of confident people. Why because the confidence isn't in I can do it.
The confidences I'll find a way to learn how to do it. This isn't an arrogance or cockiness that I already know everything. Actually, it's an acceptance of what we don't know, but the hunger and the enthusiasm to learn. Now, this is such a beautiful story that comes out of Richard Branson's autobiography, Finding My Virginity, and I truly believe that this story is going to help a lot of
us learn. So he remembers. Richard Branson remembers speaking to the chief financial officer at the time of the European carrier Virgin Express, and the chief financial officer decided to resign so he could move back to his home country of Australia with his wife and kids. Now, even though Richard Branson was saddened by this news, he understood, He got it that the chief financial officer's decision was to
put his family first, and he respected that. But when they were having this phone call, and can you imagine being someone who's saying to Richard Branson, I think I'm just going to focus on my family. I'm going to move back to Australia. You know it's done. Imagine saying that in the first place. Well, before ending the call, Richard Branson said, if you want to do anything in Australia, let me know and we'll see what we can do.
The chief financial officer, the Virgin employee, his name was Brett Godfrey, and he started to tell Richard Branson about his idea for a low cost airline in Australia. Now, Richard Branson says that he immediately liked the idea and he asked Godfrey to shoot over a more detailed plan
for what would end up becoming Virgin Australia. Richard Branson said that Brett's plan was delivered to my door the next morning, and he says that he always liked people who moved fast, and then he goes on to say that he's probably said he has too many times in his life, but he doesn't regret a thing, and that saying yes can be a risk, but it's so worth it. It's so powerful, and he says life is a lot
more fun when you say yes. It's amazing how that one little word can lead you on an incredible adventure. So confident people learn to say yes and then figure it out. I remember reading that statement from Richard Branson and then practicing that in my life, and I've seen again and again and again how I've learned so much more because of it. There are so many skills that I wouldn't have today had I said no, Whereas the positive pressure of learning a new skill is actually what
gives me confidence. So people feel confident. This is something that you have. Confidence is the understanding where you appreciate and value your own abilities and qualities, and you only value your own abilities and qualities when you grow new ones, when you create new ones. So I really want you to think about this this week. Next time you get a new opportunity, I want you to say yes, and then I want you to figure out how to do it.
I've done this time and time and time again, and it has helped me grow so many skills that I would never have had before. And so genuinely think about that. When you're asked to do something this week that you may not have done before, you may have done it before, do it in this way, so yes, I can do it. I can figure it out now. This second habit that confident people use is it's not just important to say yes, it's also important to say no when something is against
your values. So we yes when something is an opportunity we're excited about, but you also learn to say no when something's against your values. People often say, oh, you'll be more confident if you say yes to everything. Well, often it doesn't. It brings about feelings of insecurity, of a lack of integrity. If you say yes to something that is it something you deeply want to learn or care about or interested in, or is actually against your values.
If you say yes to something that's against your values, you're not going to feel confident, you're going to feel more insecure, You're going to feel less safe. So learning to say no when something is against your values is a really important habit. Now, for this, you need to know what your values are, right and confident people know what their values are. So how do you know what your values are? Your value is what you value when you're not at work, when you're not working, which is
something we all have to do. What do you prioritize, what takes the top emptiness in your schedule? What's the first thing you think about on the weekend. That's what you value. Now you may look at that and say, well, I don't want to value that. I spend my day watching a sports game for four hours. I spend my day just lazing around with the family. I spend my day just sitting there aimlessly in front of a TV show, right, Like, if any of those are your answer, and you're thinking, Jay,
that's not my value. I value so much more than that. Well, then what is it that you wish you were doing with your time? What is it that you would wish you were doing with your energy? Because that is what you value. And so what we do in our spare time is what we value, or what we want to do in our spare time is what we value. Now is array? In an interview with Time in December twenty sixteen, she said, there was a moment when I was scared to speak up. Everybody was behind this one decision, and
I didn't want to rock the boat. Shonda Rhimes told me about a time in her life where if she hadn't spoken up, her trajectory would have been different. She didn't know she could get fired. That's what gave her the confidence. So I tried to operate with the same mentality. Now, what I love about this is saying no is not easy, but saying no protects every future. Yes, right, saying notice something that doesn't feel right, that doesn't feel like it's
what you want to do. I remember a company that I was working with wanted me to become more political. They wanted me to focus on political issues, and I remember saying to them that I just didn't feel comfortable doing that because that wasn't my calling, that wasn't my purpose, that wasn't what was what I was gravitating towards. That's not what my life and work was about. That wasn't my goal. It's not that I believe that that isn't useful.
It's not that I believe that that shouldn't be something that should be important. It's just that that wasn't what it was for me. So it was so important for me to say no to that. I've been asked to host so many TV shows, and whenever they come my way, if it isn't truly about something I deeply care about, I'll say no because I don't want to be on TV to be on TV. I want to create work that truly impacts people's lives and makes a difference and gives you all something to watch that is going to
transform you. And that requires me to hold back on this desire that I have or dream that I have to get it right. So there are some opportunities that you need to say yes to to accelerate your dreams. And there are some opportunities you'd need to say no to to accelerate your dreams. Saying no doesn't mean you're slowing down, and saying yes doesn't always mean you're speeding up.
And so say yes when you get an opportunity to learn something, say yes when you get an opportunity to grow in a certain way, and say no when it doesn't it with your values. This will develop confidence in yourself. That's ultimately what we're looking for. Confidence isn't about how much you have or what you've achieved. Confidence is about saying, I did what I really care about. I do what I believed in. I commit and stay loyal to who I am, and that is why I am confident right.
Confidence doesn't come from an achievement. Confidence comes from achieving what you really want to achieve. There's a question that I often ask people I work with. Is your dream really your dream? Let me ask you, is your dream really your dream? Or is it your parents' dream? Or is it your partner's dream, your friend's dream. Chasing the dream that society gives you will leave you with anxiety.
Let me said that again. Chasing the dream that society gives you will leave you with anxiety because it will never be successful enough. You will never feel smart enough, You'll never feel like you're right enough. And if someone is known for something they don't want to be known for, they will always feel unknown. If you become known for something you don't want to be known for, you will always feel unknown. I know so many people that have
made such progress in an area of their life. Maybe they're an incredible entrepreneur, maybe they're incredible on social media, but they don't feel confident because they're not known for what they truly want to be known for. So I ask you that question. Whatever you're pursuing, is it aligned with who you want to be and where you want to go? That's the third principle. So Habit one will say yes, then figure it out. Habit two will say
no when it's against your values. And Habit three is work in alignment with your dream, not anyone else's now. Step number four is that confident people focus on improvement, not perfection. We think of confident people as having it all figured out. We think of confident people as people who know exactly what they're doing. We think of confident people who focus on just crushing it and winning. But all confident people are focused on improvement, not perfection. They're
focused on the improvement, not the arrival. There's so many stories about Kobe Bryant being in the gym two hours even before anyone else made it, there on the court, practicing before a game, doing real game moves, focused on improvement. There's so many stories of Cristiano Ronaldo, the soccer player who's at training three hours before anyone else today, he's like thirty six going on thirty seven, and he's still one of the best players in the world, and it's
phenomenal to see how someone is constantly focused on improvement. See, the thing is, when you chase perfection, you can feel you've reached it, and that can create complacency, or you feel you never reach it and that creates overwhelmed. Or is when you focus on improvement, that's something you can
always have and always measure. So so many people who focus on perfection, they either get complacent because they feel they've reached it and then they drop or they feel they never reach it, so they're constantly putting themselves under pressure. They're constantly criticizing themselves so you either get complacent or you get critical when you focus on perfection. But when you focus on improvement, you get enthusiasm, you get excitement, you get new experiences, you get the feeling of what
it feels like to evolve. Focus on how you can improve anything where you don't feel confident right now, anywhere where you don't feel the best feel How can I improve? How can I get better? What can I learn? What can I grow? What do I need to build? I'll give you an example. You know, I've been creating videos now for roughly the last five years, and it's been an incredible journey. But I'm constantly trying to improve and grow what I do. We launched from videos, then went
to the podcast. Then from the podcast, I wrote my book. We have my Genius membership and community, We have my online courses, we have my certification school. Rather than I launched our tea company, and I continue to iteratively want to improve. I promise you I've not been perfect at any one of these things, but I've always tried to be better. I've always tried to grow. If I can be one percent better every time I take a swing, that's going to have huge improvements. Because I'm going to
keep swinging now. Step number five is going to be an interesting one for a lot of you. Talk less around unintelligent conversations. When you're in an unintelligent conversation, talk less. Notice how I'm not saying unintelligent people. Notice how I'm not saying you're unintelligent friends. And when I say unintelligent,
I don't mean intellectually. I mean emotionally and spiritually. If I'm around a conversation that is based around gossip, if I'm around a conversation that is about criticism, if I'm in a conversation that is negative or toxic, I talk less. I don't try and correct people. I don't try and be the bigger person or be holier than thou. I don't try and preach to anyone. And remain silent. It's
such an important quality. There's an amazing quote by Abraham Lincoln and it says better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt. And I love that. And you may be saying, Jay, but I have important things to say. I want to teach people. I want to tell to stop being negative. Well, sometimes the smartest thing to do is to be silent because they may not want to hear it at that
time or from you. I'm not saying we have to be silent if someone's talking bad about our friend or someone you care about, but I'm saying that often we're just in a conversation that's negatively talking about someone that we don't even know and that no one knows in that group, or we maybe just complaining about something. In that scenario, being silent saves you a lot of stress and saves you a lot of hassle as opposed to getting stuck in and getting involved. Now in the opposite scenario,
listen to this. When you're around intelligent conversations, ask more questions. So during unintelligent conversations, we usually feel like joining in makes us feel like we belong, makes us feel like we are adding to the conversation, makes us bond over negative things. But here's the interesting thing. Can you ever bond over something negative unless it's something negative that you went through and got over with someone? But can you bond over doing bad to others? I'm sure you can,
But is that the kind of bond we want? Do we want to bond with others to be based on gossip. Do we want to bond with others to be based on criticism? No, because guess what if you sit there and criticize people with people, guaranteed people criticize you around people. Right. If you criticize people with people, that means people criticize you with other people. That's a position we don't want to be in. Now. If you're in an intelligent conversation, often the pull or the draw is let me say
intelligent things. Let me come up with cool ideas, so that everyone sees how smart I am and looks at how much I have to offer. But truly, asking questions is what helps us grow the most. It's one of the reasons why on this podcast, when I'm sitting down with a guest, I do very little speaking, and there are some really powerful questions you can ask other people and you want to grow prepared. I have this book
by Gregory Stock, PhD, called The Book of Questions. Now, of course, the question depends on your level of relationship with someone, but this is one of my favorite questions, especially when I'm getting to know someone better. Do you work harder to earn praise and recognition or to avoid criticism? Such a fascinating question. Do you work harder to earn praise and recognition or to avoid criticism? Right? Another question that I absolutely love is a question that I remember
Will Smith mentioning to me. That is Sun once asked him Trey, the question is what do you worship? I think this is such a beautiful question. What do you worship? Nor? What do you value? What do you worship? What do you obsess over? What are you devoted to? It's a fascinating question. Now, of course you want to make your questions are based on the type of conversation you're having. But you don't have to ask a question knowing about what's being spoken about. Your question is something that you
prepare beforehand to be around that theme. If you're at a conference, if you're in a meeting, if you're in a group of people, ask a question. Not only will you become smarter, you will also be perceived as smarter because you're taking interest in You're being curious. See, smarts are not only shown through intellect and knowledge. Smarts are also shown through curiosity and intrigue. And I think we need to broaden our understanding of what it truly means
to be a smart individual. The final thing I want to share with you is this beautiful quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, where she said, great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt said, great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people. What are you discussing If you want to be confident, discuss ideas. If you want to be confident, discuss routines, practices, habits.
If you want to be confident, discuss your vulnerabilities. You don't become more confident by discussing your successes. You don't become more confident by discussing your achievements. You become more confident by talking about and working through your vulnerabilities. Notice how counterintuitive that is, but how powerful and how important that is. That's what makes us more competent and strong is being able to discuss our flaws, our challenges in
a healthy, productive, effective way. So let us not waste our time just talking about events and people. Let us talk about ideas and see our confidence grow. I want to thank you for listen, listening, for trusting me with your time and energy. I want to thank you for sharing this podcast from your stories, I see each and
every one of you posting. I'm always trying to share as many as i can, and I really hope that you feel more confident this week by taking more pride, more gratitude, and more appreciation in your abilities and qualities and watch how your life changes. Thanks for listening to On Purpose. I'll see you next week