6 Ways to Know if You're Compatible with Someone and 4 Steps to Build Real Connection

been an incredible couple of weeks. Our guests have been incredible. You've been listening to these solo episodes on a Friday. I know so many of you are listening to an episode every day, and I genuinely hope that that is massively improving your mental, physical, emotional health. Remember, if you're listening to on Purpose, it's because you're happy, healthy, and healing. Right, We're here because we're happy, healthy, and healing. I am happy, healthy,

and healing at all times. And I want to thank you so much for all the love and energy you brought to the Kendall Jenner episode that just came out on Monday. If you haven't heard it, I highly recommend you go back and listen to it. It's a really great episode to get a unique perspective, a different angle.

I want to thank you genuinely appreciate you for giving me that opportunity, for being patient, for listening, and I'm so glad you turned up today because I really believe that this episode, what I'm about to share with you is going to really transform how you think about relationships. And as you know, I have my new book coming out next year, eight Rules of Love. Eight Rules of Love dot com. You can pre order the book. But some of these ideas are ideas that have thought about

for the past couple of years. I've been working on them with my coaching clients who are having relationship difficulties or marriage difficulties, or have gone through a divorce or a breakup, and I wanted to share these with you here because otherwise I don't really get to tell you about all of them. So thank you so much for turning up, thank you for being here, thank you for

all the reviews that you've been leaving. It's been unbelievable to see the support that you've been giving the show, and I genuinely couldn't be more thankful to each and every one of you. I would love you to leave a review as well, and it would mean the world to me. So I'm going to dive in. And today's theme is all about six ways to know if you're

compatible with someone and four steps to build real connection. Now, people have talked about this for a long time that a lot of the time we look for chemistry, but we forget to look for compatibility. And I think when we think about a healthy relationship, we think about compatibility as an idea, but often we confuse it with chemistry.

I'll give an example. I was speaking to someone recently who's a landscape designer, and he was explaining to me that some people want to plant trees in certain countries or cities or towns where it's not favorable for those trees to grow. So while there's chemistry I an attraction for that person to that tree or that plant or that flower, that plant or that tree or that flower would not flourish in that area. It would actually struggle, which is a compatibility issue. Now, when I heard that,

I just thought of relationships. I was thinking, how often is it that you meet someone that you have so much chemistry with but very little compatibility with? There's an attraction, there's a spark, there's a genuine interest, but your habits don't align, your values don't align. You don't have that respect, you don't have the skills and the tools to deal with each other's differences. And then at the same time, you mean the opposite. There's no chemistry, but there's lots

of compatibility, and that doesn't work either. I want us to recognize the importance of compatibility. I think we understand chemistry to be the spark, the attraction. But one of the things I find is that chemistry is like lighting a match stick. You light a match stick and then the match stick burns and then it runs out. But it was giving light and giving heat for as long as it lasted. But compatibility, it's like lighting a candle. When you light it, it burns slower, it gives off

a beautiful fragrance and scent. It lasts far longer, and it's a beautiful experience. The match has that spark, it has that instant feeling, but it doesn't last as long. Now I want to talk about what compatibility is, but I also want to talk about what compatibility isn't because I think we throw these words around a lot, and I think these words are rarely really broken down and made easy to understand. So compatibility does not mean the

same personality. Let me say that again, compatibility does not mean the same personality. I think we think of people who are compatible is like, we like the same things. We like the same food, we like the same movies, we like to do the same things. I find that this is a very narrow limited view of what compatibility is.

The challenge is that you could love the same movies as someone, the same food as someone, the same music as someone, but you may not have the same relationship ship abilities, or skills or tools to help things move along. I'll give an example. I remember dating someone, one of my exes, who we had this We had a lot in common, right, We had a lot in common, we liked doing the same things. Without time, we've really enjoyed each other's company. Right, personality wise, it was a really

great fit. But what I realized is that we had massively different expectations and input in a relationship. For example, every time I asked for a favor where she may have to go out of her way, she didn't feel like she wanted to do that ever, And every time she asked me for a favor, she expected me to be fully available. Now, even though we liked the same movies and we like the same music, and we liked the same food, that didn't change the fact that our

culture and value was different. I'm not saying that she should have been bending over backwards or working things out. What I'm saying is that that is far more of an inherent factor that negatively impacts a positive relationship and a healthy relationship, as opposed to the fact that we like the same things. And so I think often people are dating someone, they're like, well, we're so different. Where you've heard that before? We're so different, Like, how is

this going to work? And what I've realized is that the difference isn't what leads to distance. And I'll talk about that in a second, but I just wanted to clarify compatibility does not mean the same personality or having the same interests. A lot of people want their partner to have the exact interest they do. They're like, well, I'm an entrepreneur, they should love business too, right, I'm into philosophy. They should love deep intellectual conversations too. I

like reading. They should love reading too, And I'm like, you're not trying to be with yourself, right, You're not trying to date your identical self. That's not the goal of a relationship. If you find that it works, that's awesome, But you have to realize that those are not the traits, those are not the qualities that make this healthy relationship. I know countless couples who can have the most beautiful philosophical discussions, but they can't solve the practical issues at home.

I know plenty of couples who can build huge businesses together and grow huge empires together, but they're not growing their relationship. They feel uncomfortable within. Right, Just think about that for a second. That you've got this stark contrast where it's like, when did a relationship become about entrepreneurship? When did the relationship become about a business partnership. It's

a different connection. You may not build an empire with your partner, You may not build a garden with your partner. You may not have intellectual conversations with your partner, because that may not be what they provide you with. And I find that when we don't have our network, our community, our friends that provides us with some of our likes and dislikes. We place all that pressure onto our partners. Right, this always happens. Compatibility does not mean having the same personality.

The second thing is compatibility does not mean it's easy to get along. We think compatibility means everything's easy, everything must work, everything just flows. And I would say that that's more an experience of chemistry, whereas compatibility requires and I'll talk about this in depth in a second, but compatibility requires that deeper understanding and knowledge, which often requires discomfort. Right,

Compatibility requires discomfort. Chemistry is comfortable. Compatibility is uncomfortable. Compatibility takes a moment to get under the roots, to get into the deepness, the dark, the chaos, to see if we can build strong foundations. Right, if I want to put up a little tent, I can put up a tent anywhere. I don't have to check the foundations. I don't have to check the roots underneath it, I don't have to check the soil. I can pretty much put a tent anywhere I feel like it. But a tent

isn't a permanent residence. A permanent residence, however, if you want to build that, if you want to build something long lasting and stable and secure. You got to excavate the ground. You've got to look at the foundations. You got to look at trees and the roots under the ground. You've got to look at the soil quality. You've got to look at all of these things. And so compatibility requires discomfort, right, Compatibility requires discomfort, It requires unearthing, it

requires excavating. These are not easy things to do. And so when people say, well, if you love someone and if you're compatible with them, it should just flow. That may be the case initially, but it isn't the case forever. It can be that way in the beginning, but it doesn't mean it's going to last that way. So those are the first two things. And the third thing that compatibility is not is that compatibility does not require changing

someone else. I was speaking to someone recently and they were like, well, you know, I think my partner that I want to be with, I think he needs to work harder. I think he needs to get a better job. I think he needs to make more money to make himself right for me. And I'm like, well, then you don't love that person. You love their potential. You love the idea of who they could be, like these are very different things, and so compatibility you have to be

very careful. Compatibility does not mean changing someone else right. Compatibility does not mean that if they adapt, if they change, then we can get along and then things will work out. So I think people think We often think compatibility is having the same personality. We often think compatibility is that it's easy, and we often think that compatibility is that someone will change. And I would say that all of

those are not compatibility. The reason where those ideas come from is most of us believe that the way we were raised was spot on. We believe that the way we were raised, the way we were brought up, is the right way to do things. Imagine that what you've done up until now in your life is like building a home. You've built a home full of your ideas, and when you get into a relationship, you want someone to come and live in your house, like your metaphorical house,

in terms of your mind's house. You're saying, come and live in my house. And what that means is, come and live with my ideas, come and live with my ideologies, come and live with my philosophies, come and live with my values. And then the other person saying no, no, no, Come and live in my house, Come and live with my ideas, come and live with my thoughts, come and live with my value. And so what we realize in most relationships is that it's not about having the same likes.

It's that we're trying to get people to live in the same way. When a relationship is actually about building a new house together, it's about taking bricks that you love from your house to build this new house and leaving some bricks behind because they no longer serve and support this new home. Notice how different that is from saying, hey, come live in my house, or my bricks are the

right ones. One of the things that made Radie and me compatible, I'm giving you an example, is that Radi and I were both able to forgive and move on when it came to everyday things. We would potentially have a disagreement, we would talk about it, we would both sleep, we'd wake up the next day, and we'd turn a new page. We both share disability. I've had disability for a long time, and I've not always been with people

that have had that. I've had relationships where I've talked about it, I've apologized, I thought everything was fine, and then the next day and the next day and the next day and the next week, the person is still upset about something that we thought was resolved. Now that doesn't make that person bad and make me good, or it doesn't make me bad and them good. What it just means is that we were incompatible because we didn't

have the same style. And I'm not saying the same style, but we didn't have a similar approach to dealing with challenges, and that made us harder to be compatible. So here are the four steps to build real connection as I walk into the six things to think about when it comes to compatibility. If you want to be compatible, these are the four steps you have to take or whether

you want to know you're compatible with someone. So the first thing to know whether you're compatible with someone is an acronym called rare R a R. And the reason why I chose the word rare is because it's rare to be compatible with someone, right, it's rare to be compatible with someone. You can have chemistry with a lot of people. Compatibility is much more unique because chemistry is that attraction that spark. Potentially, you could feel that every month,

you could feel that every year for someone else. It could shift quickly, you could move fast. But like we said, compatibility is stronger and long lasting. So the first R R R. The first R is recognize differences. If you want to be compatible with someone, know where you're different. Often when we meet someone, we look for all the similarities. That's fine, but we don't look for the differences. Know where that person is different. So I'll give an example.

I'm timely and organized, rather is more spontaneous. Notice I'm being also very careful about my language. Often we say things like I'm organized, they're unorganized, And what we're basically saying is I'm smarter and better for being organized. That person is weaker and worse for being unorganized. And realized this actually it's a different energy. I'm organized, but Radi is spontaneous, and that's a beautiful positive strength in and

of itself. So recognize differences. So that's one of mine and Raddy's. Another one of mine and Radis is I am highly focused, driven by goals, and Radi is driven by her feelings. She's driven by how she wants to live or carry herself that day with very different people. I am more naturally, I consider myself an introvert, but I can be more extroverted, so I'm more of an ambiver. Radi is extroverted with people she knows well, but she's

introverted people she doesn't know well. Now I notice all these differences, right, Radi and I are very different, so I have to recognize these differences if I want to create compatibility with someone. If you want to create compatibility with someone, you don't only need to know the similarities. You need to notice the differences. If you don't notice the differences, you don't get an opportunity to develop compatibility.

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That's only forty two dollars for the whole year for a daily guided meditation experienced the Daily Jay only on Calm. The second thing you need to look at after being recognized in their differences, you need an awareness of their stance. Why are they that way? Where did that come from? Where is their ideology? Often we just assume that that's their weakness or that's their strength. We don't realize where that came from for them. Right, Where did that come

from for them? How did they create that? How did they do that for me? Becoming aware of someone's stance and how they are that way is a really special aspect of learning and creating compatibility. Compatibility means I know why I am the way I am, and I know why my partner is the way they are. So for example, when I look at my life, I started working when I was fourteen years old. I've always worked. I've pretty

much been independent for my adult life. But even since fourteen, I paid for my own phone bill, my degree, I took a student loan as well, but I paid my way to life from fourteen, for my car, my car insurance. These were very normal parts of my life. Now, I know other people who didn't start working till they graduate from college at twenty one. I know people who started working before me because they dropped out of school. So

what I'm saying is that learning that. So now when I look at my life today and I love working, I love my purpose, I love creating, I love doing all of this, it comes from that conditioning and I'm happy with that conditioning. So if today Radie saw me and said, why are you so committed to work? Why are you so committed to your purpose? Why are you so dedicated to that? It would create a challenge because

she's not understanding where it comes from. For me. I also she knows this, and this is why Raley supports me so much and I'm so grateful for it is she knows that the work I'm doing comes from such

a deep place of gratitude. I've been saying this frequently when I get stopped or a bump into some of you, or I meet someone in the street to run an event or whatever it may be, and people always say, like you know, does it get you frustrating sometimes that you're stopping and I say, well, I remember doing this when no one turned up. I remember doing this when

five people showed up. So now that I live in a world where I'm so grateful to have millions and billions of you that are connected with my work, I don't take that for granted now because Rady understands the ideology and I understand that myself, so I can express it to her. When she's aware of that. It makes us more compatible because she understands why I make the choices I'm making. Compatibility requires that you have an awareness

of why someone makes the choices they're making. And so often we have no idea why our partner does what they do, or we have no idea why someone new does what they do because we've never asked them and maybe they've not thought about it. That I promise you if you ask them, they will think about it. And if they don't think about it, then you'll say, well, if someone doesn't think about my questions, are we compatible? Right? The third steps are a recognize differences, awareness of their stance,

or awareness of their why. The third is respect their approach Compatibility means you can respect their approach. Now, I'm not forcing you to respect their approach. I'll give an example. If I met someone who if I recognize the differences. So let's say their difference was they were rude or dismissive of family. The reason they were that way is

because their family treated them badly. Could I respect that approach to be in a deep relationship with this person, No, unless that person was aware of it and trying to change. So I'm not forcing you to respect someone's approach, but I'm saying that that's what compatibility is. Compatibility isn't how can I redesign and redefine this person? It's about how

can I respect them? How can I respect that they have chosen to be that way, They're happy to be that way, They're good being that way, and they don't need to become someone else in order for me to love them. And chemistry often leads us to not only believe someone can be whatever we want them to be, but chemistry also makes us believe that they should become in order to be worthy of our love. And the e in rare is express your feelings without feeling judged.

Compatibility is a space where you can express your feelings without feeling judged. Now, this takes time. This takes time to build. It is not easy to build. It's not quick to build. It's something that we have to educate. And what I find is we often walk into relationships and we expect people to have these skills. Recognizing differences is a skill. Being aware of someone's why takes time and is a skill. Respecting someone's approach is time and skill.

Expressing your feelings without feeling judged is time and skill. For example, when I first met RADI definitely we both judge each other. We fully judged each other when we expressed ourselves, we didn't respect each other's approach. And slowly through time, I was guiding the relationship and saying, look, this is our viewpoints. Can you respect mine if I respect you? As that was the language, The language wasn't

a demand. The language was a direction. Right, Often we demand and say love me, like me, respect me, value me, whereas a healthy relationship is when we can say, do we want to walk in this direction together? Are you able to recognize my differences? Are you able to be aware of how I think and why I think that way? Are you able to respect that and are you able to let me express myself without feeling judge? Can we do this daily? Can we get better at it? Can

we move in that direction together? That's the question you want to ask In a relationship. We often ask do you want to be with me? It's a decision question. The real question is are we willing to do the work to be together. It's a direction question. Move away from a decision question to a direction question. We get so lost in that rhetoric of are we right for each other? The question is do we want to make it right for each other? Do we want to be

right for each other. It's not like there's two pieces that just fit. It's about finding two pieces that are made to fit right. It's not that there's a piece out there that's the perfect puzzle piece that just slots

in with you. I think we think of that's that chemistry thinking right, that's that chemistry, thinking that there's a piece out there that just fits with you, and compatibility thinking is going, well, I'm going to actually find two pieces and there's going to be a bit of molding, there's going to be a bit of shifting, there's going to be a bit of understanding. But finally it's going to fit right, and it may not even fit perfectly, and that's okay. I think that's the other part where

it's like it's going to be a perfect fit. There is no perfect fit. So rare remember that recognize differences, awareness of their why, respect their approach, and learn to express your feelings without being judged. Now, I want to share these six areas of compatibility and some of the challenges that come up with this. And this is from the Vedic understanding of what is known as the six opulences.

These are considered the six things that we all pursue in life, or the six things that people take very seriously, and each of these creates a challenge or a depth of complexity. So these six let's go through them one by one. The first one is wealth financial compatibility. Wealth compatibility right to have wealth compatibility. It does not mean you have the same views about money or the same views about finances. And I'll give you an example. Me

and Rady grew up in different homes. We grew up with different backgrounds, We grew up with different socioeconomic backgrounds, and in my home, there were certain things that were prioritized when money was always spent. Money was always spent abundantly on food. Same with Radi. My parents always believe, never sacrifice your health. Same with Radi. Now as I've grown older, some of my values of change where I think there are other areas of health that that includes.

Now my wife doesn't have to agree with that, she doesn't have to be aligned with that, but she has to be okay with me wanting to invest in that. There has to be a sense of support and understanding of other people. So when you're thinking about financial compatibility, the question isn't do we agree on how we spend our money. It's do we understand why each of us thinks about money in this way and what is the solution we want to create together for our relationship. We

have to realize that we are now creating together. The next one is beauty. There needs to be a healthy attraction to the person you're with. Of course, attraction is a part of compatibility physical compatibility, but there has to also be a healthy attraction to oneself. Otherwise you feel your partners out of your league and that creates incompatibility. So physical incompatibility isn't that someone's better looking than the other person or someone gets more attention. It's if you're together,

how do you feel about yourself? If you feel insecure about yourself, you will create incompatibility in that relationship. Right. I know someone who she feels that the guy she's with is so out of her league that she's always saying that to him. Which, what do you think that does? It makes them physically incompatible because he's constantly reminded of that. He keeps having to remind it that he's not and that he is attracted to and that she's beautiful and

all the rest of it. But that it doesn't end up working because the insecurity creats incompatibility. The third air compatibility is power. Now, power dynamics and a relationship are interesting, and knowing what your partner is good at and letting them lead is how you disseminate power in a relationship. So do we have a power compatibility? Often what happens in power compatibility is the loudest, most extraversted, strongest partner

takes over and dominates a relationship. A healthy power to dynamic in a relationship is knowing which partner is good at what and letting them lead on those areas. Now, I've got three more areas of compatibility I want to discuss with you. Fame, compatibility in public perception. This is so much more interesting today in the world of social media, because our relationship compatibility is constantly being questioned and looked

at by our friends, our family, and other people. A relationship becomes more compatible when in public give each other the spotlight, and in private we genuinely appreciate but give each other growth feedback. So what often happens in relationships is people will criticize or joke or potentially even be condescending about their partner in public, but in private, but I always tell you how much I like you. But

that makes someone feel uncomfortable. Now, I'm not also saying putting your partner on stage and making them give a speech, because they may not be comfortable with that. But understanding whether you're compatible by how you behave How does your partner want to be appreciated, How does your partner want to be acknowledged? That is a really important part of compatibility. Now, this one's an interesting one. Renunciation is considered an opulence.

People who are detached monks have high renunciation and this renunciation compatibility in a relationship is letting your partner grow at their own pace, right, not forcing them to grow. That's compatibility. Compare abilities, encouragement, support, guidance, love, affection, but not force. That's what creates compatibility, and finally, knowledge compatibility.

We're compatible with someone if we're trying to learn new things with each other, so we're compatible financially if we simply learn to understand and create a new plan together, not forcing our own plan on the other person. We're compatible physically if we're not insecure about our own self and we focus on that to create a healthy relationship with someone. We will be compatible in power and influence if we learn our strengths and weaknesses and let our

partner leads sometimes and we lead sometimes. Will be compatible in fame and external places and people when we learn how our partner wants to receive appreciation. Will be compatible in renunciation. When we're detached from our partner's path, we realize their path is different to ours, and we're compatible in knowledge in mind when we think about learning new

things together or learning separately and sharing our learnings. I really hope there's shifts and transforms the way you think about compatibility, and I am so grateful that I have to focus on creating these new episodes for you every week, because this is one of those ones that's really made a big shift in my mind. I hope that you take away some of those try and put into practice. And I couldn't be more thankful for your ears, your time, your presence, and I promise you on purpose is just

getting better and better. We're only just getting started. There are so many wonderful, wonderful things happening in our space and I'm so so pumped. Thank you so much for listening today, Thank you for all the birthday wishes. I am so so grateful, and I can't wait to see you when I come on to our next year. I cannot wait. And if you haven't already ordered Eight Rules for Love, please pre order the book because it's going to be a game changer. Thank you so much. I'll see soon. H