SUMMARY KEYWORDS
relationship, polyamory, monogamous, people, partner, feel, life, monogamy, totally, vegan, desires, person, plant, polyamorous, eating, marriage, jealousy, open, married, ex husband
SPEAKERS
April, Ellecia
Ellecia 00:07
Hey, I'm Ellecia, your non monogamous relationship coach. Welcome to the podcast where my friends and I chat about our relationships, enthusiastic non monogamy, polyamory, swinging kink in our lives. You'll get a candid peek into what makes it worth it to live life outside the box. And in case you're still wondering, no we're not monogamous. Hey, hey, hey, today I am talking to the Green Goddess pleasure Queen April Filiczkowski. And in this episode, we talk about how each of us were previously married for 12 years monogamously and after getting divorced, decided not to be monogamous ever again. And we talk about raising kids in polyamorous households, the myth of happily ever after and veganism and how that can affect relationships and sex. Enjoy. Okay, hi. Um, April is here. And you know what, I never asked how you pronounce your last name.
April 01:21
It's Filiczkowski. The Polish name? Yeah, I kept my married name because it's just so much of a challenge to get new social security and credit cards and all the things so. Uh huh. Yeah, that makes sense. Sticking with it.
Ellecia 01:37
I'm glad I didn't try pronouncing it. Uh, let's see. Thanks so much for for agreeing to come on and chat with me. I love Love, love, just talking to people about relationships and non monogamy and relationships. Um, and you and I went through the same course, to become coaches.
April 02:11
Now, yeah, I'm still in slrc. But yeah, we just finished a mastermind together. But yeah, I'm in the Tantra training at the moment. Yeah. So good.
Ellecia 02:23
I'm curious how that, going through that, like relationship training has played out in your life being non monogamous.
April 02:34
I mean, it's been pretty good. You know, I've done like some, some Tantra things in the past, I took one of my partners to a Tantra weekend. So I mean, yeah, it's been good, you know, I really like have been following Layla and her relationship with her partner. And she's giving me a lot of like inspiration, because I feel like we're not really given a very realistic model of relationship when we grow up. And whenever there's a conflict, or we grow distant from one another, or our desire wanes for one another, we seem to think that we need to just like can the relationship like it's over, we have fallen out of love and Layla talks about, you know, times when she's felt like disgusted with her partner and want nothing to do with him. And so she just really normalize the journey of a relationship. And what like, really stuck with me is she's like, if you break up with your partner, you just gonna carry your same trauma to the next relationship. So you can either solve it with this person, or you can keep reliving the same thing over and over again. So I think a lot of times when, well, in my experience, my relationships when I hit roadblocks or challenges, it's like an invitation to look at myself and see like, is this something that I need to end or am I just going to deal with this next person I come upon? To help me decide to stay or go? Yeah, yeah,
Ellecia 04:02
yeah, totally. I felt the same way. Layla models. Really, really she's like, what she the way she expresses what's happening in her relationship validates like normal relationships and how we all kind of, you know, it doesn't stay perfect forever, right.
April 04:20
Nobody tells you about the ever after, right? Yeah, fairy tale in a fantasy but not the truth. But you might want to like, you know, kill your partner, your disgusted or hate them.
Ellecia 04:31
Mm hmm. For for my listeners that don't know. April and I both went to the Vienna Institute for sex, love and Relationship Coaching training. And Layla Martin is our teacher and that to me is fantastic. She's amazing. Yeah, yeah. Oh, April so I probably should ask you what non monogamy looks like in your life. Are you polyamorous? swinger? monogamish? What does that look like for
April 05:02
you? Um, for me, I call myself poly. But I know there's like lots of different definitions of that word. Like, I think poly can mean like long term relationships and living together. I mean, non monogamous works, too. But since I, since I left my marriage in 2017, I was introduced to like open relationships and polyamory through my current partner, and I just seemed like the path for me at the time, because I just gotten out of a 12 year relationship. And the last thing I wanted to do was, like, get into another long term commitment with one person and, you know, leaving my marriage kind of like, opened up my mind, and it was like, Okay, well, now it's time to, like, redefine your life. And, hey, all those things, you were told, are they true? Or do you get to decide do you get to design how your life looks like, and so that's kind of my, what poly means to me, I have like a primary partner that had been with for three years, and then I have like three or four other people that I see. And some of those have been over a year long relationship as well. But for me, it's just it's like, it's open relationship, and like conscious communication. So within that, for me comes a lot of freedom. And also gives a little incentive to each person to show up as their best selves, because they know that there's other people out there that could there's kind of like some healthy competition going on. I feel like it helps bring your best self to the relationship. And also, what I really like about poly is, each person brings a different piece to, to play with. And in the past, it was like, I was running under this assumption that my partner had to fulfill all my needs. And he had to have all the pieces and be the perfect man and like, be super good at communication and do the all these things, you know, and the thing is a lot healthier to have a mix have a variety, and everyone brings something different to the table, like my primary partner kind of sucks at like texting, and communicating. But then I have like a couple other partners who like text more than I do. So it's like, I don't have to change who he is, he gets to stay exactly who he is. And then I'll just get someone else to fill that need of mine. And so I think that's really healthy to not changing your partner. Because I think a lot of times we go into relationship thinking, well, I'll change that part of this person, you know, it's like these little things that aren't quite right. You don't really like and you're like, oh, I'll just change that. And just kind of like, a misconception or something. will get you in trouble thinking you can go into relationship changing someone because people are who they are, and really don't really can't change that. Yeah, yeah, I
Ellecia 08:17
think I think people get really attached to like, their idea of who someone is or like what the potential of someone is, and they get attached to that that story. And then later down the road, when that person doesn't reach the potential or doesn't become what they thought they would be, they get disappointed and kind of disenfranchised about the whole thing. Really, really your story and mine actually line up who really, really closely and I didn't know that before this at all. I was previously married for 13 years monogamously you know, monogamous, kids the whole thing. And when I got divorced, I was like... Well, I don't want to do that again. Yeah, and I was like, Well, I'm just gonna be a slut for the rest of my life. And I didn't know what that looked like, because I didn't know anybody who wasn't monogamous, right. And then I met my now husband. And he was like, Oh, yeah, that's polyamory. Like, you can totally do that. What? I can?
April 09:23
Yeah, yeah, totally. But yeah, opened up. When I discovered polyamory or open relationship. I was like, What do you mean, you can do that? And, and then it just like made sense to my whole life, right? Because like when I was in the military, I tried to like, I don't know, maybe I didn't have the ovaries to break up with someone. So like, when I would go to a new base, and we were 1000s of miles apart. I would keep the relationship going and long term relationship, but then I would be like, fooling around with other people. And then I made myself wrong and said I was cheating and it hurt the person, it blew up. But if I could just say, we could stay in contact, but let's have an open relationship. So we go, like, do our own thing. So we're not together and it would have like solved so much like heartache and deception and deceit. And even in my previous marriage, if my ex husband would have been open to it, right, it could have solved a lot of issues as well, you know, like, we weren't able to connect intimately, you know, there, there wasn't, you know, there was lots of issues there. I mean, I could have gone and got my needs met elsewhere, and then come back, like, less resentful, more refreshed back to the relationship instead of like, constantly, you know, blaming him for everything and blaming the relationship and in this, like, downward spiral, right, I could have been more empowered if I could have taken like, my sexuality or my desires and needs, like outside the relationship took it, like, way more pressure off of him and this big, like, elephant in the room that was between us. So
Ellecia 11:01
yeah, yeah. And I mean, even, you know, looking back, and I think, I think it makes sense for so many people if they would just talk about it. Like, that's it, like, just talk about it without like, putting a bunch of blame or shame or, you know, like, Hey, I'm just gonna tell you what's on my mind. Yeah, there's
April 11:21
so much shame. Yeah. And there's, like, so much, close mindedness to, because I think we're all like, living out the script that was written for us by somebody else. And the there's so much fear, I think of, of like, creating your own story outside of what's been written for you. And then what does that mean? Right? Are you a slut? Are you like, a bad mom? Are you like, not going to be liked by your friends and family? And you're going to be judged and all the things? Yeah, it's scary. I mean, it's not like, I mean, it's becoming more on the open, but I don't think it's 100% safe to be open about polyamory and sexuality and bisexuality and sex parties and all the things like, you know, like, something to write home about. Yeah. Yeah, that how open
Ellecia 12:17
are you? in your life? Like with the, with your family, or like the people that you know,
April 12:25
My family, I just say that I'm dating a lot of people that I'm just dating that I have lots of friends. I don't really label it as polyamory or non monogamous. I'm just kind of like, vague about it. Yeah, I guess, I guess I'm kind of vague. And just some like, Oh, well, I it's a friend or I'm dating multiple people or whatever. Yeah, I kind of didn't really tell my parents about my primary partner till I've been dating him for over a year. I just feel like when I left my marriage, like, everybody has these expectations, like, okay, When is she going to meet somebody else? When is she going to get married again, like how long for this and I just feel like everybody is like watching what the next step or the next move is going to be. And so I just became very private about that. And just like casual like, Oh, I'm just dating people. But yeah, yeah, I think
Ellecia 13:28
that's kind of in the beginning. That was that was what I did, too. It wasn't until I started thinking I would go into Relationship Coaching that I started being. I mean, I was open with people, but like, my family knew. My ex husband went to my dad to try to like shame me, was like, your daughter's sleeping around with a bunch of people. My dad came to me and put his arm around me and said, That's my girl.
April 13:57
That's an amazing story. Yeah. My ex doesn't know anything about my? Yeah, extracurricular activity.
Ellecia 14:07
Yeah, mine hasn't asked. Like he doesn't ask like, he knows I have multiple partners. I have multiple partners that live with me and my ex husband doesn't, he doesn't say anything about it. Luckily.
April 14:19
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think my son might be like pro poly. He's like seven, and he's convincing, trying to convince his dad to like, get a girlfriend because like more people to watch the kids and play with him. So he's already in that like mindset. But my daughter doesn't want anyone else around but her dad so but it's interesting the difference. She's 10, he's seven. And he's like in that abundance more the merrier mindset. She's like in the no one but my dad, so. Yeah, interesting. But yeah, that's one of the great benefits of polyamory. Like I was saying before it like takes a village, and why not have more people around to help you and support you. And like I said, everyone brings something different to the table, they could all offer different pieces to your children like fun activities and different perspectives then, just like having lots of friends, like, that's fun to have lots of friends and activities. Yeah.
Ellecia 15:26
Yeah, totally. Do your kids know? Like, do they think your primary partner is your only partner? Or do they? Do they think everyone else's friends? Or do they know that you're dating other people?
April 15:39
Um, my, I feel like you can't really fool your kids. No matter what you say. Like I call them my friends. But my daughter's like, Oh, yeah. Was that other boyfriend that comes over? So she's like, on it, and says things like, Oh, you can marry that one, but not this one. So I don't know if my son's aware. Yeah, he just turned seven. And he's more like, on a level of like, let's just have fun and have someone to play soccer with me. I don't think he looks at it from a relationship, love, boyfriend, marriage standpoint, but my daughter's like, really into all that, you know, stuff at the moment, you know, play Sims four, where they get married and have babies, all the things so...
Ellecia 16:37
People ask often, you know, like, how do I bring this up to my kids? Or how is this gonna affect my kids? And I just I always say like, nobody sits down with their kids and goes, mommy and daddy are monogamous. That means we don't, we're not romantically involved or having sex with anybody else. Like Nobody does that. Right? Kids? Yes. Like except what they grew up with.
April 17:02
Yeah, it's like, it's I almost Yeah, I don't feel you really need a conversation for polyamory. You just like live your life. And they like get the advantages from it, you know? And yes, like, I think when we like, label things, and like, have the talk, right? Like, it just like, puts this weird layer on it. And then we can, you know, bring up the shame and all like, how we're not like other families and all that if you pointed out it becomes different. Instead of better.
Ellecia 17:29
That totally makes sense. My the other day my girlfriend asked my son, they were driving to something. And she asked him like, Is it weird that there's so many people in your house and he was like, not anymore? doesn't care? They're fun. Kids are so resilient.
April 17:48
They are Yeah, yeah. And they see the bigger picture, I think, yeah, what's in it for them?
Ellecia 17:54
Exactly. Exactly. Nobody suffers from having more people love them. No, no, no, it's a blessing. I'm curious what when you started down the polyamory trail, what was like what was the most difficult piece of that or what like gave you the most challenge?
April 18:17
I'd say the jealousy piece and I think also being an open relationship really triggers you and brings about all the things you need to work on and look at and yourself so I've always struggled like a lot of people I've always struggled with like self worth and not feeling worthy and abandonment issues and so when your partner goes on a date with someone else like all that stuff comes up like I'm not good enough or like what if he likes her more than me and what if they like get super attached and yeah, what if he leaves me for someone better than me? So just goes into this like big comparison mode. It's gotten easier over the years but it never goes away. I still have those fears judgment and comparison but I know it's my own shit like and that I signed up for this so I can't blame anyone else but me but I think it's yes it's triggering it's difficult but I think it's very valuable to Yeah, I mean I feel like almost like separate yourself from another because I feel like we go into this like codependency mode where we put like all our needs and desires and fulfillment on this other person and when we can be polyamorous then you know we don't get into that codependency mode we look more to ourselves or if we are codependent we can divide it out amongst other people and it's not such like a severe like traumatic hit to to oneself. Yeah,
Ellecia 19:59
yeah. Yeah, you know, I actually I was just writing about jealousy. And it's like, our society kind of has made jealousy into this, like demonized emotion that you should avoid at all costs. I hear it all the time, like, but don't you feel jealous? Well, yeah, man, I was super jealous person. And I really like there's some people out there who don't feel jealousy, but I feel like that's the same as there's some people out there who don't feel happiness. Like. Like that is definitely not the rule. What do you think? Like, like what's been most helpful for you to either like overcome that? Or like, like, What? What have you done when you're feeling jealous? That
April 20:44
has helped? Um, yeah, one thing I want to add to jealousy is like, yeah, that we make jealousy a bad thing. But for me, jealousy means you care. Like if someone's jealous, that means like, my partner gets jealous when I go on a date. That means he loves me. And he cares about me and I'm desired and wanted so like, it's a good thing. If you weren't jealous, you wouldn't care and you'd be like, be breaking up for me dealing with the jealousy. You know, I've gone through mama Gina, the school of womanly art. And she teaches a tool called spring cleaning. And yeah, you call up a partner, and they ask you the same question over and over again. And it allows you to discharge whatever you're feeling whatever's difficult for you. So that's been helpful. Sometimes the I just call up a girlfriend, or just take some alone time with myself to really check in and see what's what's really going on. Sometimes it just, yeah, just sit there and feel the feelings and let myself experience it and not really judge it. I feel like yeah, that thing, what you resist persists. So like, if you make yourself bad for feeling jealousy, it's gonna make it a lot worse to process that through your body. And like, acceptance seems to be the best thing. Like, it's okay to feel jealous. And like I said, jealousy is not a bad feeling. It just means you care. So yeah, just like sitting through it and finding different ways to, to process it. And not making myself bad for it. Yeah.
Ellecia 22:20
Yes, yes. That's brilliant. Yeah, I think a lot of people feel a lot of shame or judgment around like having this totally normal emotion. I love thinking of jealousy as kind of like an umbrella. emotion that is sitting over all of the things underneath it, like the sadness and the fear and the insecurity and wounding that we've had. And when you can, like close the umbrella and, and look at all of the other things that are sitting underneath it, then then you start to get to the, like, the root of it, and it just doesn't have as much power to them.
April 22:59
Yeah, yeah. And to know that it's a good thing too, and that everyone experiences to normalize it, right? Like, even people in monogamous relationships experienced jealousy. Right. So it's not like, unique to polyamory. I just think, in my experience, polyamory, maybe brings it up a little more, or, for me has been more of a mirror to take a look at myself. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, totally. Totally. Okay. I
Ellecia 23:28
have a question for you. What's the most awkward or inappropriate question anybody has asked you about being polyamorous?
April 23:41
I had something. I don't know if I've had any awkward questions. But I had recently last week I had a reading from a clairvoyant a spirit, spiritual reading, and she had some good nuggets, but there was some weirdness around the polyamory thing. So she was like, you don't have a partner, do you? And I was like, Yeah, I have a partner. Like, I've had a partner for three years. And it's an open relationship. And as soon as I said that, she was like, Oh, well, that's not a committed relationship. That's not a committed partnership. And I'm like, well, he's been around for three years. And he like, very devoted and does a lot of things for me. And she's like, it'll be over in 12 months. And she just got like, really negative. And I was. Yeah, I just reminded that it's not everyone's cup of tea, and I feel like her her own judgment or predispositions. Kind of like interrupted the session. Like it wasn't a clear transmission anymore, right. She kind of put her own spin in there. Yeah. So that's
Ellecia 24:53
weird. It makes you kind of wonder like what in her mind makes a relationship valid or like she was saying like, Oh, I don't I don't see that you're with the one. The one and only that you're supposed to die with.
April 25:10
Yeah. Which is, which is a big lie. Right and Layla touches on this too like it'd be spend your life looking for the one like you're gonna you're gonna be in for some struggle right i mean i think that's the fairy tale in the fantasy we've been sold but I truly believe there is no one and that relationship is not this like love at first sight soulmate magical epic thing it can be but I, I feel that's like a false assumption that sets us up for failure and really, relationship is what you make it and it's it's hard. There's a lot of hard pieces. Yeah, there's the bliss and ecstasy and maybe some of that fairytale stuff sprinkled in, but like it's only a small portion of the big picture. Harville Hendricks his book, you know, getting the love you want and it talks about like, we go into relationship to heal our childhood wounds. And nobody tells us that right? They taught us a fairytale love at first sight but no, it's like really hard fucking work. Like to sustain a relationship and to be confronted with your own fears of attachment and love and deep intimacy.
Ellecia 26:28
Yeah, you know, that's funny. I think when we're young, we go into relationship. Totally pretending we don't have any childhood wounds. We just show up like, Oh, no, I'm I'm basically perfect. That's the only reason you love me because I'm perfect. So I'm gonna hide everything from you.
April 26:47
Right? Yeah, yeah, I can't show my true self. Yeah, cuz then I won't man. I wish they told us that sooner. That's good. I mean, it's not good. It's good. Yeah, yeah, the big challenge is like, finding the opposite of that. Not trying to complete that story, but find someone who you can rewrite the story with? And I think yeah, it's like, that's the more challenging road to take. Because when we feel worthy, we don't want to receive something better than what we had as a child.
Ellecia 27:31
Yeah, it's like super uncomfortable. Sitting in that, like, I don't know, the discomfort of being vulnerable. And being like, truly intimate. Feels so much scarier than just being in a shitty relationship.
April 27:50
Yeah, and I think that's why people stay for so long. Right? Because it's, it's what you know, it's comfortable. It's scary to start something new and to leave and to hurt somebody. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Ellecia 28:07
So you are the Green Goddess. Pleasure, Queen. You're vegan, right? I am. Yes. Yeah. I love that. I am curious how that plays into relationship for you.
April 28:21
Yeah, I mean, I think when we eat plant based, or we take better care of our bodies, whatever that looks like, we have more energy, we're more alive. We're more like aesthetic, and what uh, what better way to show up to relationship pleasure, sexual experiences, having vitality and like feeling really confident about the way your body looks and feeling comfortable in your own skin. And then also like, the bonus is like when you eat more plants, you're helping to save the environment and reducing your carbon footprint. I noticed when I went vegan, like initially I lost, I don't know, like over 20 pounds, I lost a lot of weight. And for me, it was like the beginning of a self love journey of like taking, taking care of myself consciously eating putting attention on myself. When I had I had kind of lost who I was in my marriage. I had like two young children. We were both full time engineers and I got lost I got lost playing housewife and mother. And so eating plant based was a chance to like redirect attention back on myself. And like the more weight I lost, the more energy I had I started running half marathons. And like a bonus to that is like I really get filled up when I'm out in nature. So being in nature and running, got the endorphins running and like before, you know becoming plant based and running, getting back into running. I was severely depressed, and I felt really hopeless in my marriage and disempowered. So going plant based and exercising and being in nature kind of gave me my power back. And I had been, you know, really unhappy in the marriage. And I talked to my husband at the time, and I said, you know, I'm unhappy, like, what, what can we do to make this relationship better? And he said, Well, you're unhappy and go fix it. That's Yeah, that's fine. You go see a therapist or something. And so that was kind of like the impetus or like the catalyst that was like, oh, okay, I'm all on my own here. So I'm going to do everything I know, to make myself happy. And so it started with like, like I said, bringing the attention back on myself getting my body healthy, and just like really nourishing and taking care of myself. And for me, that was that was plant based, and, and I try not to be one of those like scary vegans, like an activist and like pushing my agenda on everybody, you know, I just tried to be a model, a good model of what's possible. And I brag with my primary partner, we're like the oddest couple. He's a hunter, and I'm a vegan, but through our relationship, like he eats mostly vegan when he's with me, when he cooks for me, it's all vegan. And so just by being a model, and not really pushing my agenda, I've changed his life, and he eats way more plants than he used to eat. And so I've I've improved his health as well. So it's like, it's a win win situation. And it's also in harmony with Earth, right, like, climate change. And like, here in California, we had the worst wildfire season ever last, you know, fire season. Now, there's just so much happening in our environment, almost feel like being plant based or reducing our meat consumption is not even voluntary anymore. like things are just going downhill so fast with the earth. And I feel like COVID kind of part of that, too. You know, it's, we were abusing an animal and selling it at the wet market. You know, like, here we are, like, hurting Mother Earth, and I feel there's karma and there's consequences for that. And pretty soon I don't know if we continue on the same trajectory. I don't know if we'll have a choice. Because there won't be any land yet left to raise livestock livestock takes a lot of land and causes a lot of pollution. So
Ellecia 32:43
yeah, yeah. We it's funny, the the vegan pleasure Queen and the hunter and I was thinking like even even those two combined, like it's very, like Earth based brain, right?
April 32:56
Yeah, I mean, at first, I was kind of ridiculous. I was dating a hunter. The more I talked about it, you know, he pays money every year in conservation fees that take care of the forest. And you're only allowed I think like one deer per year, one bear per year. I don't know how many turkeys or whatever. But like he he's okay. The three years we've been together, he goes out hunting every season, I think he's caught one deer in three years. So it's like and one deer feeds several people for like a year or something. And so it's a lot less damage to like, get a deer in the wild, then 1000s of cows in a very small space, like walking around in their own waste to getting pumped full of antibiotics and steroids and all that runoff getting into the fields where we grow our plants and vegetables that our rivers and streams what hunting I feel is like way more conservation, earth friendly than raising animals. Yeah. So I've learned to be a little more lean into it over the years. And also like wild game is a lot healthier meat, right? Because they're eating wild grasses and weeds and plants. So they're not eating GMO corn. So
Ellecia 34:20
yeah, totally. I'm curious how being vegan. In your opinion, how does that affect your sex life?
April 34:30
Yeah, I mean, I've definitely I have more energy, and I feel like I feel more comfortable in my own skin. Yeah, I just noticed I really had a lot more energy. When I was eating more animal products. I feel really tired after a meal. I'd feel bloated. I'd have a lot of guests and like having guests is not so sexy. Some people Well are good about, like being open about that. But I still struggle with being open about that around, you know, partners. But But yeah, just like more vitality, more energy. Yeah, and just more of like the vitality more like a zest for life and, and more energy to do the things I want to do. Like I'm a single parent and have a full time job. And I'm trying to run a business on the side, and I'm taking sex love and relationship coaching. And so like, I don't think I would be able to do all the things I do. If I was eating the standard American diet just wouldn't have the energy to live the life I want to live and the depression to you, right? I can't I had like pretty bad depression as well. So I'm so
Ellecia 35:47
glad you took control of the things you could take control of. Okay, is there anything that you want to share with my listeners,
April 35:57
I would say, It's not scary to just like keep, keep an open mind and let go of the judgments and the labels and polyamory could actually be a lot of fun. And it really gives you the freedom to design the life you want. And also go from this like scarcity mindset to this mindset of abundance. Because like, there's lots of fish in the sea, and you can have all your desires and needs met by many men just waiting, you know, just waiting to bang down your door. Or women, whatever, you know, like it just really, yeah, it's a really, it's really fun journey to try and not saying that anyone has to do it, but like, it's definitely, it's definitely, definitely worth exploring. And if it's not your cup of tea, that's fine. But like he could have a really good time. Yeah, totally. Totally. Yeah, I
Ellecia 37:01
say it all the time that, like, monogamy is so valid and perfect for so many people. But like, I'm never going back.
April 37:09
Right? Yeah, like I mean, different strokes for different folks. Right. And, like I am not, I'm not saying monogamy is bad. You know, it may work for some people. But me personally, I did monogamy my whole life. And there was like incidences of being unfaithful in all my relationships. And I was like, oh, wow, like, this is just kind of naturally who I am. And I like shamed myself and made myself wrong. Half of my life and call it cheating, when I could have just been open and conscious and communicated. My needs and desires. Yeah, could have been could have avoided all that.
Ellecia 37:49
It's amazing how often you can get a yes. When you ask for what you want.
April 37:52
Yeah, the hardest part is asking because we create all these stories about what the response is going to be. I think more than we know, like, men just really want to please women. And so like when you ask for what you want, you give them that opportunity to fulfill this thing they want to do like they want to please their women, they want to take care of them. They want to shower them with love and affection, but they need it. They need an instruction manual. Like they need you to tell them what it is you like and what it is you want. So you're actually like making it easier for them by bringing up what you desire. Yeah, totally.
Ellecia 38:27
I hate the idea that like people should be mind reader's and like, if you loved me, you'd know what I want is the most wack idea out there about relationships. Like I have no idea what you want. Just tell me. That's the
April 38:44
programming though, you know, and that's like, what was modeled for me growing up and yeah, just created a lot of resentment and a lot of passive aggressive behavior, and it wasn't pleasant for anybody. Yeah, totally.
Ellecia 38:58
Thank you so much for joining me. That's fine. And I'm gonna, I'm gonna put your information in in the show notes so that people can follow the Green Goddess pleasure, Queen, April Filiczkowski. Yes, well done. Thank you.