SUMMARY KEYWORDS
jealousy, relationship, partner, feeling, people, feelings, desire, person, life, brain, talk, jealous, healing, emotions, breathwork, create, monogamous, find, overcoming, fear
SPEAKERS
Ellecia
Ellecia 00:00
Hey friends, I'm doing something a little bit different today. We don't have a guest on Nope, We're Not Monogamous this week and instead I am sharing with you a workshop I did recently on overcoming jealousy in your non-monogamous, non-traditional relationship. There's loads of resources and nuggets in here. I hope you enjoy it. Have a great day. All right. Well, let's get started, huh? Welcome to overcoming jealousy in your non traditional non monogamous relationship. This is a workshop where I'm going to teach you my practices for taming the green eyed monster jealous little also creating a deep connection in your relationship. Today we're going to talk about the overwhelming primal fear that takes over when you're feeling jealous, and how to work through it without blowing up your relationships in the process, going from panic to calm and rational from feeling sure that you're being betrayed to feeling confidence and inner peace. And I want to be really clear that when I say overcoming jealousy, I don't mean eliminating jealousy, or pretending that you don't feel jealous. Or even that jealousy is bad. When I talk about overcoming jealousy, I mean, overcoming the primal fear that somebody is taking away the most important thing in your life, like just taking it away from you. And overcoming the feeling of jealousy, which feels so overwhelming that it's all you can think about. It's all you can feel it's running the show, causing you to do things that you don't really want to do behave in ways that you don't really want to behave. Say things you don't really want to say. This might look like dumping your partner to avoid getting hurt or accusing them of things that you know they aren't doing. But you have this like nagging worried snooping through your partner's phone or computer, which you know, is a huge breach of trust, but you do it anyways. Because well what if? Or starting secret conversations with the other people that they're interested in so that you can feel like you know, everything and they can't like, hide anything from you. I can go on and on, but you get the point. Let's see. You know, jealousy isn't the real problem. It's an emotion just like happiness, sadness, anger, joy, fear. It's an emotion we feel in response to certain stimuli. It's given a bad rap because it's super uncomfortable. And sometimes people behave really terribly because of that discomfort. So, if you prioritize your inner growth and healing and learn how to recognize the difference between the stories your brain is telling you, and what's really happening in your relationship. And you truly desire decide to be the one who will make the changes to create like a super sexy, romantic relationship. Then you can create a super fulfilling relationship that's not traditional where everybody involved feels loved, accepted, valued, trusting. To be the type of person who goes from jealous to confident you need to stop blaming others for how you're feeling, or learn to set super clear boundaries, do the work of healing your relationship traumas, and continuously work towards creating deep connection, clear communication, and like just crystal clarity in your relationships. If you don't already know me, hi, I'm Ellecia, I help adventurous people break the social conditioning of monogamy and learn how to navigate their healthy alternative relationships. So ethical non monogamy, open relationships, polyamory, swinging, etc, so that they can move through the challenges of jealousy, fear, anxiety, and the insecurities that get in the way of strengthening your relationships, deepening your trust communication. And you're just left feeling really confident as someone myself who used to identify as very jealous and possessive. Intentionally choosing to live non monogamously for the last like eight years has been challenging, growth inducing and extremely rewarding. I believe that we have the ability to live life outside the box of our conditioning and the expectations of the people who aren't living your life for you. But it takes a lot of deep work and healing to get there. So if you are on this journey, as well, and I am excited to welcome you before we start.
Ellecia 04:38
Before we start I want to give you my disclaimer and say that when I'm talking about these things, I'm making the assumption that if you're in a relationship, it's not a violent or emotionally abusive one. A lot of the things that I'm teaching require a level of introspection and like self awareness that can be really hard to recognize if you're in an abusive situation so recognizing if the jealousy your feeling is because there are actual red flags, or because your brain is perceiving danger where there isn't any while, it is your responsibility to manage your emotions. That means it's also your responsibility to have an uphold boundaries and not allow yourself to be treated badly. So if you're doing this work and putting the tools into place that I teach, then you can be sure that you're doing things in an ethical way. And if someone is treating you badly, verbally, emotionally, or physically abusing you, please seek help for that. The same applies in reverse. If you find yourself lashing out at your partner or calling them names, verbally abusing them physically abusing them, then while these tools will help you with some self soothing techniques, and whatnot, I also urge you to seek more professional help in that. I had a former partner who was so jealous and insecure that he would lash out at me and call me names. He would blame me if other people looked at me or flirted with me in a way that like felt really threatening to him. And he would gaslight me into believing that I had done something wrong all because he was feeling jealous. It took me a really long time to realize that no matter how hard I tried to like, follow the rules and be a good girl, it was never going to be enough to soothe his insecurities. And he wasn't willing to believe that he had any part to play in that dynamic. So that is my disclaimer around overcoming jealousy. My my style of relationship coaching is very different. I'm not a therapist, I'm not a mediator, I'm not going to walk you through your relationship issues until you're sick of yourself. In fact, I'm not a therapist at all, as a certified sex, love and relationship coach, I support each individual in getting their deepest, most authentic desires. It's really important to me that you, you know that you can do it. I'm here to tell you exactly what to do in your relationships so that jealousy isn't tearing everything apart, and causing you to want to go back to when things are easier. I'll give you a hint, it's not that easy to put everything back in that box into that box. So once you start sharing your deepest desires, you won't want to go back to the way things were. I'm not here to spend an hour an hour with you talking about your most recent arguments. You know, the one I'm talking about where you keep having the same argument over and over about things like what exactly does Friends with Benefits mean? Like, what's the definition? Are we on the same page? Or how intimate should your conversation be with someone that you aren't supposed to catch feelings for? Or how soon is too soon for a sleepover, or any of the other arguments that are really surface level that you just keep having to keep having because it's easier than diving into the deep shit, right? So I'm not going to send you on your way to wind up having the same argument again. I'm very honest and direct with you. I will call you out on your bullshit. This training isn't a bunch of fluff and it might be actually triggering for you because I'm going to task you with doing the work on you and stop blaming and in my personalized intensive coaching programs, I let you know if there's a real problem with the person or people that you're relating with, but I'd say 75% of the time the work is really about you. My programs work in the last several months, clients have deepened 20 year marriages while maintaining multiple loving partners outside of the marriage. So much so that they're having the best sex of my clients have gone from terrified to lose their partner to helping them get ready for dates enthusiastically they've opened relationship that was stagnating and added a bunch of Spark and passion recognized exactly what they were worthy of asked for it and got it went from scared crying, fighting all the time and questioning everything about their life and their partnership to confident sexy, passionate, deeply connected. So drop a hell yes below if you want to get results like that to let me see, I can keep going. But results like this happen when you prioritize your healing and your mindset and combine it with the action steps that completely shift how you relate in your romantic relationships. This happens. This happens when you drop your excuses. Your protective mechanisms like everything would be great if only my partner wanted the exact same things as me. Or if they would look at me the way they look at their other partner then I wouldn't have to feel jealous. And get out of your own way and stop sabotaging your happiness.
Ellecia 09:32
You get to create your life. And you can choose how you show up for for yourself in love and in your partnerships. You can have multiple loving partners who support you in your life in relationships. You can have kinky, dirty sex with other people and then come home to the loving arms of your nesting partner. You can have a fantastic partnership with someone who wants to get their slut on without feeling like your life is falling apart. You can have whatever your little heart desires. It's absolutely possible. Today's training is going to be all about the mindset and the mentality to use jealousy as a tool. So like a guidepost to point you in the direction of your deepest desires, your deepest wounds, and your authentic path. I don't believe jealousy is the problem. It's an emotion just like happiness, sadness, anger, joy, fear. It's just an emotion that we feel that makes people do crazy things. Your current relationship troubles that are a result of your jealousy are going to be triggering. When you're triggered in jealousy, it points out exactly where you aren't showing up for yourself in your life, where your conditioning is getting in the way, and where you need to do the inner work to level up to get what you deserve. I promise you that making a relationship successful is never a walk in the park, it's work. But we make it harder than it needs to be because of our upbringing, the expectations we have about love, how we overcomplicate communication or avoid it completely. And the excuses we make that hold us back from having what we want. When I personally dropped my expectations of how I expected others to behave, and I started clearly expressing my desires and my boundaries. And alongside that healing my insecurities, I was able to go from crying literally every single day to having three long term partners, potential lovers and actually experiencing compersion, joy and excitement for them when they're stoked about something with with another partner. This is the biggest shift in it was that I stopped using fear and anxiety about losing my partner as the reason not to prioritize myself. I started investing in healing work, I did multiple scary things that I've been adverse to doing prior, I kept going even when it didn't look like it was working. I used to run over my own boundaries, because I was so scared that if I wasn't agreeable, and if I didn't go along with things, then I wouldn't be loved. I said yes to things I really didn't want to say yes to because I was terrified of losing love safety. And I was also terrified, to stop feeling terrified. Like if I wasn't feeling anxious about my partner, then that would mean I didn't care anymore, or love them anymore. Or I was going to walk away or something weird. And that turned out to be completely wrong. I won't like I'm not going to sugarcoat the reality of the mentality that takes to overcome jealousy. And what the path is to to accomplish that. It's why I don't bring people into my programs who are not absolutely committed to their own growth and commend committed to investing themselves, or determined to do the work it takes to get the results that they want. So these trainings are nothing like you've heard before. If you don't know me and my story, I will tell you, I was married for 13 years monogamously. And when I got divorced, I decided I never wanted to be monogamous again, for a whole host of reasons. I had always identified as jealous and possessive. But I also knew that those weren't traits that served me in any positive way. And they kind of gave me this illusion of like safety and toughness, like it felt like kind of a badass if I was, I don't know mean because I was jealous. Silly. And when I began living openly as an ethically non monogamous person, I came up against a lot of challenges. The biggest one was the primal fear that I felt when I was feeling jealous and scared that my partner would leave me this fear had me damn near petrified. Now. Now currently, I have three long term partners who all have other long term partners, and my support network is so damn beautiful. I can express my desires and I find compromises that feel good for everyone with with ease. It took a long time to step into that power, I was stuck for so long. And because of that I don't hold back and telling you the truth about why you're probably stuck too. What I teach is real and raw and also healing. I'm here because I made a lot of mistakes in my relationships and in my journey from monogamy to non monogamy. And I believe that I made them so that I can teach you the right way to do it because you shouldn't have to repeat my mistakes. I mean, you probably will, but you shouldn't have to. You should learn from mine not experience them yourself.
Ellecia 14:30
So today I'm going to give you a taste of the type of healing work I teach inside my current program, conquering jealousy in consensual non monogamy. This is a six week intensive to deep dive into jealousy and insecurity so that you can sleep at night focus at work, enjoy your time with your partners feel loved, desired instead of suspicious, doubtful, mistrusting. So treat this workshop like a course that you paid for and you're going to get so much out of the experience. If you're ready to go all in and get resist, resist Welcome to the family. Okay, so I want to give you a little bit of transparency behind my relationships and my healing journey. I've been living as a consensually non monogamous person for about eight years now. And while the first couple of years were super fun and exciting, they were also a shit show of an emotional roller coaster. Right, I spent a solid year crying every single day. And not because I was actually I wasn't unhappy in my relationship, I was just unwinding so much conditioning and sitting in so much fucking fear. Like, here's the thing I want, I can see where I want to be. And it just I can't figure out how to get there. Right. I'm raising kids, I'm running two businesses, I spent two years in school to learn the skill set and tools I use in my relationship coaching today. So I have a busy life, I had a lot going on, I always have a lot. But I also have really amazing partners, a lot of emotional maturity and growth mindsets. They offer me support and hold space for my feelings, they calmly talk through things with me, we don't engage in drama for the sake of drama. I don't think this comes naturally for all of us. But it's the conscious way that we choose to relate. My point of this is that the reason jealousy is taking over your life is that you expect your partners to make all the changes, or you see them as the bad guy. And you don't want to change yourself and your expectations. You don't want to look at the real reason that you're terrified that you aren't good enough or that you don't believe your partner will keep choosing you if you have or if they have any other options. Or you're reacting to them instead of relating with them. So in a minute, I'll talk to you about what's what had to change in my mindset around relationships. But first, let's start with some practicalities. So I'm going to give you a little behind the scenes look at my conquering jealousy program here because it's important that we start with the very basics. So first of all, learning the difference between jealousy and envy is key. Because each of those emotions will lead you to a different solution. And most of us conflate the most of us don't realize that they're two different things. Jealousy is about the person, like I want to replace that person with myself. Envy is about the experience, I want to experience what you're having and doing, not necessarily do it or experience it with you replace the other person but like, I want to have that too. Right? This is where FOMO comes in fear of missing out, I just really want to have that as well. So if you're feeling envious of something your partner's doing, or getting, or your meta is doing or getting, then the solution is to figure out how you can get the thing that you desire. Or if it's something you actually really want, right. Versus if you are feeling jealous because you believe that they're getting that thing because it was taken away from you. There are different things that tell you or give you a different message about your situation.
Ellecia 18:02
Some of the different feelings that you might experience that will help you differentiate between jealousy and envy are if you're being possessive or controlling. This is about like feeling special, I want to feel special. So an example would be like that pet name is my special nickname. You're not allowed to use it with other people. Right? We all want to feel special. But the trick is to find ways to feel special without being controlling or hurting. If you're feeling insecurity if you're feeling insecure, that can show up differently depending on how secure or wobbly your relationship is feeling right now or how grounded you personally are feeling. So I always find that I experience a lot less jealousy when my love cup is overflowing. Right? If my partners and I've had quality time, great sex, good conversations. If I'm feeling loved and secure and we are fighting with each other. I have significantly less jealousy than jealousy can also pop up when you're having when you have like big changes happening in your life or your relationships because change and loss can be really emotionally distable. Another trigger for jealousy is rejection. The more rejection the more disappointment the more wobbly you feel. So being accepted and getting yeses stabilizes and grounds you. And so finding areas where it's really easy to get yeses can can be helpful. Envy is often a result of your self concept or your feelings of inferiority. So if you're comparing yourself to others, do those comparisons unbalanced you? Do you find that your value in what you provide for other people or do you do you know the value and worth that you were born with? Because we're all born inherently worthy and valuable of all the love we ever want. And at some point in life, we're kind of get that bashed out through experiences, right? So let's see. The other one is feelings of like there's not enough. The feeling of longing and scarcity is also envy. And that can cause you to do really weird things. So like it's this idea that if somebody else is getting the good thing, then there's no way I will also get to have the good thing. Right? Wow, if you're having really amazing sex with that person, then that must mean that sex with me is not as good because that has to be on a scale and it has to be somebody has to be better. This like comparison thing can really fuck us up. So my first suggestion for all things jealousy and envy is to treat yourself like a toddler. Have you slept enough? Have you eaten? Have you had water? Do you need cuddles? Are you feeling sick? All of these things are going to make hard emotions feel bigger than they are, and can cause you to perceive a threat to your safety and security. I find it really important to teach about Maslow's hierarchy of needs. This is a motivational theory in psychology. It comprises of a five tier model of human needs. So Maslow's hierarchy suggests that without our most basic needs met, our brains and our nervous system cannot move on to the next level. So our basic like our most basic need is for physical survival. And this is the first thing that motivates our behavior. And once that level is fulfilled, then the next level up is what motivates us, so on and so on. So at the very bottom is our physiological needs. So these are your biological requirements for human survival, air, food, drink, shelter, clothing, warmth, sex, sleep. If these needs aren't satisfied, the human body cannot function optimally. Meaning your brain can't think logically your emotions aren't practical. These physiological needs are considered the most important as all the other needs become secondary for for your brain until these needs are met. So if you've been up all night fighting or processing a thing, this probably isn't the best time to make life and relationship decisions. Same thing if you've been sick. So the next on the tier is our safety needs. Once a person's physiological needs are satisfied, the needs for security and safety become salient. People want to experience order, predictability, and control in their lives. This is human nature. safety needs are things like protection from the elements security order, law, stability, freedom from fear. So if you're scared, you might lose your home, it can be damn hard to do the mental work of combating jealousy or healing your attachment wounds. If you're worried about your financial stability, you're probably more likely to agree to bypass your own boundaries out of fear of losing that stability. And if you're worried about losing your partner to another person, jealous and fear, then you're probably really scared of losing some of your most basic needs.
Ellecia 22:52
After your physiological and safety needs have been fulfilled the third level of human needs is social, and involves the feelings of belongingness. belongingness refers to a human emotional need for interpersonal relationships affiliating, connectedness being part of a group. And some examples include friendship, intimacy, trust, acceptance, receiving and giving affection, and love. And for the purpose of today's conversation, I would definitely include having people to talk to about your non traditional relationship who have been there, right community, coach, friends, but people who are living not monogamously to have connection with and who you can share your experiences with jealousy can feel super big, if you're feeling left out, or left behind, or like you don't belong. An example is when two of my partners are spending time together. While I know that they aren't excluding me and that they love me, I still often actually have this deep feeling of being left out and some FOMO like fear of missing out. This like this is a basic need for human connection that's been activated. And one of my solutions for myself is to find connection elsewhere. So hanging out with friends or family, it really helps me a lot to understand what's happening with my brain and thinking logically about it. Because then I can know where to find the solution I know that I really want to be connected so I'm going to call it my friend or I'm going on a date with one of my other partners. The fourth level in Maslow's hierarchy is esteem needs. This includes your self worth, your accomplishment, respect, and esteem needs are classified into two categories. So one is your esteem for yourself your dignity, achievement, mastery, independence, self love. And the other is the desire for reputation or respect from others. So like status, prestige and respect. And then the fifth level is self actualization. So it's the highest level in Maslow's hierarchy, it refers to the realization of a person's potential, their self fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences. Maslow describes this level as, as the desire to accomplish everything that one can and to become the most that one can be. And most of you have probably found yourself slipping back down that lit ladder as jealousy starts to run the show for you. Okay, now that we have the basic out of the way, let's talk about the first thing that people tend to avoid when it comes to jealousy. Acknowledging it, rather than ignoring it or burying it deep, so it can't ruin everything. Acknowledging it. monogamy is like this heavily prescribed model that comes with a lot of default settings. One of those settings is fidelity and commitment are built in. And because of that, when you're monogamous, you can avoid a lot of these conversations instead of dealing with the jealousy. Right, you can just avoid jealousy by never being confronted with the thing that causes jealousy, you can be in situations where it doesn't come up, you can ignore it and rely on your commitment to keep you safe from the hard things. But for those of us who step out of that structure, that default setting doesn't serve any longer. You no longer have this, like perceived protection, and you have to actually pay attention to your relationship and deal with the hard emotions like jealousy. I believe that structure is what's given jealousy, such a bad name. Like if you're monogamous in a committed relationship, and you start talking about your feelings of jealousy, this is akin to accusing your partner of stepping out of bounds, right, it puts you in this position of having a really hard conversation that can be so easily avoided by just like creating a ton of rules to follow in any what like regardless of your relationship structure, talking about your feelings, bringing them out of the dark, this can serve to deepen the intimacy in your relationship. So long as you have intentionally built a relationship that allows for openly talking about your feelings. So when you can name your fears, accept your fears, shine light on them, you take away their power, when you can share with your partners and in a safe container. Meaning that they can receive what you say without judgment and shame, then the fears start to lose their impact on your system, and your nervous system starts to regulate. So really, the killer here is shame. It's what leaves your primal brain in a panic, to like preserve your life. Right? Shame is the thing that makes your your brain go, oh, fuck, if
Ellecia 27:48
I say something, then I'm going to be kicked out of the community. And I'm going to wander the desert, and I'm going to die. Opening up and getting vulnerable is the key to combating that shame. One of the ways that you can create a container create that you can like intentionally create a relationship where you can actually have these conversations and feel like you're being received with love, is to practice, right, you actually, because we aren't taught this shit. We're taught that somebody has to be right, and somebody has to be wrong. And if the person you love is your if you're making the person you love wrong, then you're not actually winning. Right, you're hurting someone you love. So creating a situation where you both can be right. Or you both can share your thoughts and opinions and feelings. Then you both win. And so practicing by I love this is the tool I love to use. It's called desire fears and loves and I was taught it by my teacher, Lila Martin. And what you do is set a timer, three minutes, choose which one of you is going to be the person asking and choose which one of you is going to be the person answering. Now the person asking is going to have one question that they ask over and over and over. Every time your partner comes to a pause like naturally, they're kind of done. Say thank you. And you ask the question again. And this the person answering every time your partner asks you the question, you have to dig a little bit deeper, you have to dig a little bit deeper and find more underneath there. So the first question is, what do you want? Or what do you desire? So I'd look my partner, I'd say, What do you desire? And then they would answer whatever bubbles up. And if they came to a pause, I would say thank you, what do you desire? They'd answer some more. And then when the timer goes off, we switch. They become the person asking and I become the person answering Then, when that's done, we move on to the second question, which is what do you fear? Or what are you scared of? Same process again. Third question is, what do you love about me? This is my favorite one. Thank you. What do you love about me? This can be super awkward and weird, or it can be really beautiful and deep, it actually doesn't matter. Because what you're doing is you are establishing in your nervous system on a subconscious level, that I can say the things that are on my heart, I can say the things that are on my mind, I can talk about my emotions, and my partner is just going to listen and they're not going to go, what the fuck did you just say, Oh, my God, why? Right? Like, you're not going to get that response. Because you've set a container for just open communication and holding space for your partner, and vice versa. And you start to learn on a very subconscious level or unconscious level, that this is safe, I can talk about all the things and over time, it becomes easier and easier and actually starts to become like the default way that you communicate. So the next thing that I have to offer you is to connect to the wisdom of your body and locate where you're feeling the jealousy. Where in your body, do you feel it and list out the sensations out loud to yourself, write down whatever, but list them out. During an acute jealousy attack, try to locate the feelings in your body. So some people find they might carry it in their shoulders and get really tense, right angry feeling like others experience a sinking feeling in their chest like their heart is dropping or heaviness in their gut, or the feeling of their blood running cold. Finding the bodily manifestation of the emotion can help you calm down in the moment. Super important. This is very similar to some of the things that you would do for feeling anxiety, right is finding the emotion naming it, recognizing it instead of just like letting it overwhelm you, right. And this in turn leaves you free to turn your attention to investigating what actually made you feel that way. For me, personally, jealousy hits me like a terrifying roller coaster. Like adrenaline floods, my system, my stomach drops, all the blood in my arms and legs quickly pulls back into my core to save me from whatever is about to kill me. My brain starts looking for exit points, a way to retreat to safety. So I don't have to feel I'm feeling like I literally like shut down, I can't talk I want to escape, I will go to the bathroom or walk outside like I want to escape and not feel this right now. And I certainly don't want to say anything that's going to make it worse, but I made and the other
Ellecia 32:47
thing I my vision goes dark, I start to get tunnel vision to that's when it's really bad. But knowing this, like that I can actually explain everything that happens in my body when I'm feeling jealous. This is so powerful. So when it starts to happen, I can recognize it right away and keep my logical thinking part of my brain on board and start like coming back into my body and recognizing what's happening instead of the part of my brain that's trying to keep me alive, overriding everything and turning it all into a shit show. For me for the long term. Finding the underlying source and healing the wounds is the key to your like long lasting personal security, right regardless of your relationship structure. So that you can feel loved and desired and like you're more than enough, that is the deeper work that I do with my personalized one to one coaching. And this leads me to finding the underlying cause. It's probably not what your partner is doing or did, but something deeper internally. And I mean, sure their actions might have activated it. But once you pinpoint the root like what's underneath your jealousy, then you can start moving on from it. For example, if you realize you're jealous because you think your partner is giving more attention to the other person and you feel like you're not getting enough attention for yourself, then you can suggest planning more couple activities that help you bond. Right? If you're hyper vigilant because a past partner lied to you, then you can share with your current one, so that it will help you work on the trust issues. For me, I know that one, like a very vivid moment of finding the root of the thing was seeing two of my partners together and feeling like I am being left out like oh my god, their intention. They don't want me around. Like sure they're putting up with me because I'm here but it's obvious that they don't want me here. And I was like What the fuck is my brain doing. And when I started digging into it, I found like a very clear memory of being 11 years old. And all of my little girlfriends going, like one of them had a party, they all went, I wasn't invited, and the feeling of being left out and like nobody loved me. Nobody cared that I was sad, nobody cared that I was upset, they didn't even want to be around me. Like this was this thing that happened to me as a child that I was still feeling in my adult relationship. This, like figuring out where it comes from, makes such a big difference in how you move forward. You know, it's not like it's not enough to just avoid the things that activate jealousy by like setting rules or vetoing certain people, that there's always going to be another thing to avoid. So we start healing the underlying hurts, then you can move on so that you can feel secure and confident and jealousy won't be ruining what this thing that once felt like a wonderful relationship, and now feels like a jealous minefield. So what's the story that your brain is telling you about the situation? are thoughts create our feelings, your brain loves to play these cute little tricks on you. And one of them is mind reading. So when you erroniously think that you know what's going on in another person's head. Like, I'm assuming your partner is staring at an attractive stranger because they're interested in them when they're really just zoning out. Another one that we do is personalizing. So this is when you interpret everything in relation to yourself. For example, you think your partner's watching TV, because they are no longer no longer interested in you. They don't want to hang out with you. They don't even like spending time with you, rather than the reality, which is they just wanted to watch TV. Another one is fortune telling. So when you predict the future actions of your partner and imagine them leaving you, it's really important to focus on the facts. So what do you know? What do you know is true. When you can get some distance from your imagination, and focus on what's factual, then you'll give yourself the gift of reality. And this allows you to experience gratitude for what you have, so you can stop spinning out, and like making up stories that are sabotaging your relationship.
Ellecia 37:33
And discovering where your relationship beliefs and reactions come from. And if they're in alignment with who you are at your core. Or if they're conditioned responses, or like self protection mechanisms leftover from your past experiences, this will go a long way towards helping you feel secure. A couple of other things you can do is learning about your attachment style, and your partner's attachment style. I always recommend reading Polysecure by Jessica Fern for this its the best attachment theory book ever written. It's got a lot of good information, highly recommend learn what your love languages are and share those with your partners. You can Google the love language test and get some really quick answers there. And when you're feeling jealousy, or envy, look deeper than what your partner is doing in the moment that's activated those feelings. Dude, I am the queen of making assumptions about what it means when my husband is doing something, anything really, that doesn't put his attention on me. And I can tell you that the way I behave when I'm making up stories about how like he doesn't love me, or he's bored of me, or is probably wishing he were was someone else. This is not very attractive. And they can easily start to become a self fulfilling prophecy. When I learned how to soothe myself so that I wasn't spinning out, it made it so much easier to have conversations that like reassure me of his love and reassure me of his attraction for me and confirm mine for him as well. And when I'm getting that I have a ton more capacity for like developing more love and admiration for myself. And what happens is this starts turning into an upward spiral of good stuff. So self soothing can look like journaling it out or brain dumping on paper so that your brain isn't spinning out on the same repetitive thoughts you can just stop the momentum breathwork is my go to for soothing my system. This is something that I teach and guide a ton of with my personalized coaching clients. Working out, dancing, walking, movement of any kind, helps your system to come back down and talking to someone who isn't involved can be like in your relationship can be really helpful. A couple more things. One of the key components to jealousy is what psychogists call intolerance to uncertainty. So those that are especially sensitive to it might try to fill the information gap by coming up with negative stories. For example, if your partner is out with an old friend and you're not there, you might find yourself concocting scenarios of the two of them flirting. Or if your partner is out on a date, you might start imagining how much better this new person is or how much more fun they probably are, it's perfectly natural, right? We're all hardwired to be uncomfortable with uncertainty. But the key to stopping things in your head from getting out of control is to catch yourself in the act. When you're in these situations, you got to check in on the stories that you're creating, and then consciously change them. Or ideally stop making them all together. But shifting your focus from what you don't know to what you do. And get about the positive feelings in your relationship, your happy memories, the plans you have for next weekend, I like to keep a list of proof positive I write down, I actually have a list on my phone, my my notepad of when I get like really loving text messages, or my partner say really sweet things to me, I write them down, or I screenshot so that when I'm having a bad day, I can go and look at all of these things that my partners have proven and shown how much they love and care for me, because I don't want my cute little brain telling me a whole bunch of lies that aren't true. So I have to prove it wrong. Seriously, on my bad days this is what has helped keep me going this and like loads of breathwork and self pleasure. Oh, so making the choice to learn more about yourself, and why you do what you do and your relationships. And then growing from there is the most empowering choice with the biggest ripple effect in your life. When you're feeling amazing. You are a better partner, a better parent, a better friend, a better business person, like these are skills that are going to impact all of your relationships, every single one. So I'm diving deeper, much deeper than this in what's happening for you specifically, because I realized I'm talking to a lot of people here who are in a lot of different relationship situations, a lot of different scenarios and come from a lot of
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different backgrounds. So working with you individually and what specifically is happening for you and how to shift it is what I'm doing. And conquering jealousy and consensual non monogamy This is so you can get out of your own way. So you can experience love, inner peace, compersion and security in your open relationship. Six weeks of intensive coaching, we're gonna dig into the jealousy and the insecurities that are keeping you awake at night that are making your head spin so you can't focus at work. And no matter how hard you try, you can't enjoy your time with your partner without some issue popping up. I know that you want to feel loved and desired and peaceful instead of mistrusting and doubtful and suspicious. And the difference between the overwhelm you're currently feeling as a person who's coming up against jealous reactions and constant comparison and guilt and worry. And the freedom, excitement and fulfillment that you desire is creating a delicious, trusting relationship with yourself like deep, deep healing at the root of the issue, freeing up your mental bandwidth, so that you can experience all the all that you desire in this beautiful life. Working through your jealousy gives you the opportunity to see what you need and what you desire and it shines a light on the pathway to manifest your absolute best life. So here's what conquering jealousy really looks like. Knowing your worth so you can set boundaries and express your desires. Having a relationship that leaves you feeling love desired and sexy with ease. Knowing exactly how to soothe yourself and your jealousy is activated so that you can think through it clearly and make rational decisions and have calm conversations. Creating open communication that removes trust issues in a relationship so that you and your partner can pursue new levels of intimacy by adding other people into the picture. However, that looks without feeling insecure, jealous or fear that your partner's leaving you for another person. This program includes six, six in depth, personalized coaching calls with me on video like this on exactly how to conquer your jealousy plus my exact tools that I use to stop crying and freaking out all the time. The exact skills that you can use in every other area of your life so that you can thrive. And if you get signed up in the next week, we're going to get a bonus group breathwork session that's going to help heal your nervous system at a deep level that goes so far beyond talking about it. During our time together. We're going to get clarity on exactly what you desire to feel instead of jealousy. We'll be painting a very clear five senses reality so basically a picture of what your life would look like like how it would feel to live without jealousy running over your life, we're going to partner together and building a healing foundation so that your nervous system, the foundation that your nervous system needs to create a sense of safety, security and love so that you can actually enjoy your relationship. This is going to teach you why you react the way you do and how to soothe the activated parts of yourself. And you're going to learn my tested and proven tools for experiencing huge leaps in pleasure and love for yourself. You'll understand how to supercharge your healing, and the science behind it and behind why it's so we're gonna learn how to figure out specifically where your jealousy stems from and what tools you need to overcome it once and for all so that you can feel peace security and get your connection back. How to befriend your emotions so that they aren't overwhelming you how you can stop the internal struggle that's keeping your like wheels spinning with the same arguments and fights. When you can recognize name and quickly work through your feelings, you can get to the other side where there's more love more connection, more joy, more sexiness, more freedom, get clear on your boundaries, and actually uphold them so that you can quickly and easily know if your jealousy is showing you a red flag, or if it's your cute little brain trying to sabotage you. And I'm going to give you my mindset strategies that increase your sense of worthiness and personal values so that you can stop chasing your partners and instead they'll start chasing you. You'll be given a ton of audio like recorded audio meditations, breathwork journaling prompts, so you can get the fastest results possible. With proven tools that have helped me and my clients have sexy enm relationships that they fantasize about. You can also sign up for a chat with me, we just talk on the phone. But if you're ready, and
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it's a fuck yes, then the link is above in the comments or in the little description thing to purchase it off the sales page before I book out, you know, I already know some of the things that you might be thinking. So I'll coach you through the mindset and the self sabotaging thoughts that you're already thinking, or you're going to think right, so the first one is our relationship is fine. We don't need to go to therapy, that's for people who are going to break up, right, I get this I used to think the same way. And then I got divorced, what I learned was that there's a lot that I didn't know about relationships, how to communicate, how to intentionally create a relationship that worked for us and brought us joy and happiness. Instead of fighting or pretending to be happy. We aren't taught how to have amazing relationships that feel fulfilling for everyone involved. We're given examples of watching our parents relationships, and TV or movie relationships. Those usually aren't very good. Nobody tells you how to repair your relationship to make it stronger after rupture, or a fight. And these are the skills that I teach my clients, they're worth so much. The next thing that you're going to say is, but it's a lot of money, maybe we'll wait until later. You know, Christmas is coming up, we have things we have to spend and I can tell you from experience that there is nothing better to invest your money in than your relationship. How much of your life does your relationship impact? Half 75% 95%? Is there anything that your relationship doesn't affect? Without putting intentional work into your relationship, it's not going to maintain the passion, the stability, the fulfillment, and the good feelings that it began with. Paying the money now to create a dope ass open relationship where you feel stable, secure and sexy is worth every single cent. And I promise you, I do not let people into my programs if I don't believe that that's the program that will get them the results they're looking for. I will absolutely point people to different programs, even LOWER price programs to be sure that they're going to be getting a good match or good fit. Oh, and I know the biggest one I don't have time. So is now the right time for you. When will be? Will you ever have time? Are you going to wait until your life is falling apart to try to make the time you need to make the right time now for you because it will never be the right time? Do you think I would have time to run my business raise my three kids maintain my three relationships and date outside of that if any one of my relationships was in constant turmoil and upheaval. If I spent all my time fighting, processing and spinning out with jealousy, it's so consuming. The work you put in today is going to ripple out and impact your life years from now not to mention how it's going to affect the other areas of your life work parenting family. So shoot me a message or schedule a free call with me. Let's uplevel your life. Let's overcome the jealousy. And thank you so much for being here today. Thank you so much, guys. I hope you have a great day!