From Polyamory to Monogamish: Relationship Coach Gets Real About Polyamory, Ep. 71

I've kind of like again studied , looked more into more further down the line , like poly styles , kind of tried to do one like that . Or I tried to do a couple of relationships which were more open than what I was comfortable with and was just like no , this isn't what I am . And then and then recently got told like I think you're monogamous .

And I really got pissed off about that . It's like I think you're wrong . Actually , you are wrong . I'm just not all the way over on the other side of like super open and super poly . I'm somewhere in the middle , maybe closer to monogamist , but I'm not .

I would not say I'm monogamous and yeah , and it's just something that came up like a few I think three different people told it to me . A therapist told me that too . Who was ? Who is a poly person as well , and then she was like yeah , I think you're monogamous or no , she did identify me as monogamous . She's like don't identify me as that .

I don't feel that way . She did twice . I thought you would have known better .

Yeah , well to me , to me , the way I would define it is more so like you have your one person and then you get to go and play with others with with them , basically Like it's not for me , it's not a I don't really want to go out and play with others separately Because I know that where I am , it's like my insecurities would come up much too much just

because it's like past , past things that have come up with people . That I want to do it together is the option that I would . That I would say monogamous is for me , is the definition for me . I guess , yeah , I could , I could see that too .

So if you're in like a long distance relationship situation , that I'm like , yeah , that I think that does make sense , but that's I don't like long distance relationships , again , that's just not . I keep trying them and I'm like these really don't work for me , I'm not happy with them . So I should just stop with those because they don't work .

I just I don't like them . I think that's a really good , a really good I don't know interim space for me . That's my favorite way to contact any of my closest people in my life . I love sending audios back and forth , because then I find that one's kind of like it's like you are talking to them .

You get a lot more out of it , but then you can listen to it when you have time . You might not be able to actually get on a phone call , or you might not be able to meet right away , but you can still have these conversations that feel very much like a phone call or an in-person type of thing . Do audio notes ?

So I could , oh , geez , yeah , because I think of like , when I was first interested in it I , or when I first started getting interested in it , I actually got interested in Kink , I guess first , kind of sort of in a way , because I guess the Kink that I went towards is actually like multiple people situation , so it's kind of like blended together , I guess .

And the person that I was with , he was by and he was seeing another guy and I was kind of like you know , it doesn't . In my head I was like you know , it doesn't really matter if he's seeing a guy like we don't , we can't offer the same thing , so it's , it's fine , I will be jealous .

And I was like , oh , never mind that emotional connection part which I really like and I'm not really getting as much from this person , but I know he's giving to to this other human like , oh , I want that and I'm jealous of that . So , okay , lesson , so I got that that one .

From there , I got I don't know the next like standout relationship where it wasn't actually an open relationship , like we were monogamous and we were taught , we were in discussions about having like an open relationship , eventually a more , a more open relationship , I guess , playing with others and like once I felt secure in it , except that I never felt secure in

it because we kept breaking up Like it wasn't . It wasn't a very good relationship , it wasn't a healthy relationship , but like going through that one , that one we were having , we were having a lot of really good conversations . I felt it was just that everything else was was not structured or okay or healthy , and then he actually ended up cheating on me .

So I was like okay , so we were talking about this thing and basically you were going and doing the thing we were talking about , but I just wasn't in the loop on that one . Thank you for that , that sucks , yeah . And then so , after that one , then I was kind of like okay , I still think this is something I want to do .

But now , because of this experience , now I've got a whole bunch of triggers , basically because I had someone that I really cared about to like fully lie to me and for a very long time , like we'd been together for probably about a year , year and a half , on and off and it's . I think it started like at month three .

This is what I ended up kind of figuring out . So it's like that really yeah that's that really really sucks . And then so working through all of that stuff was was something . And then the next one I had was was really health , was a lot healthier . But then that was the long distance one .

So I was kind of like , oh , I haven't , I haven't had this really really healthy relationship yet and I really want this . So that's kind of why I wanted to try the long distance thing , but it's it still wasn't working for me because this definitely was a person that was Pauly . So very much like I want to love many people . I can love many people .

I want to be able to give my time to all these humans . I'm like I I don't know how to do this and again it was for me . The main thing for me is like I want that emotional connection , I want that time . I want to be spending time with you physically as well . And he like he was in Pennsylvania .

I'm in near Toronto , so that's like an eight hour drive at the very least . And I'm like and I'm not getting that .

And then he had things that I wanted and I was like I don't think I'm going to get this from you because he like had a family and he had kids and like I want all of that and I I kind of like want that from one person and I don't think that's going to be you , because it's you know you already have it .

And even the situation wasn't really good on his end , on that side , because he was kind of breaking it , breaking out , not breaking out into Pauly .

He always knew he was Pauly , but he had allowed himself to be in an agnus marriage for a long time , so it was kind of in the opening upstage but it was kind of like this is definitely who he is , but it's it wasn't really who she was , so it was kind of messy too . So there's just a lot of a lot going on in that one . Yeah , so it was .

It was just really , really hard and again , it's healthy , it was one of the healthiest relationships I was in , but it was . There was just so many things that I still wasn't getting and too much turmoil and like too many kind of similar triggers kind of coming from what was going on in the situation anyway , just because of how it was all playing out .

So , yeah , I don't know . There's I think I ended up telling you more stories than what I was learning through them . Those are just kind of my experiences through that I've had so far , and more so now I'm just .

I'm kind of like you know , I just recognize more and more that I'm monogamish is where I really do feel , probably starting very monogamous and then going into opening up , which is like what I have actually wanted the entire time .

And just people said , I think people told me they could kind of like they couldn't really give it that to me or that wasn't really in the same alignment and I was like , well , we'll just try it and it'll be fine . So it's , you know , more so respecting myself , more in what I'm , in what I actually really want me like .

You know , I don't think this is going to work . You sound great , but we just don't mind off Like you just want different things than I do and I guess that's okay . I think we could be great together , but I don't , you know this isn't quite in line .

It's not really a thing that I found I can do , and I think that's also where I get my head space . My head goes he's like yeah , we can do this , but then I kind of do end up settling on like oh no , we've fallen into the routine of where we want to go , but this person isn't the person I actually want to do with .

The fear might to be that interim person in a sense right and like okay and try again .

But I think I think there was something that I learned like years ago to it was it was like this book that was talking about soulmates and it's like these different levels of soulmates , and I thought it was really really interesting because it was it was talking about I can't remember how what each one was .

Now I just remembered like the top one , which is basically wanting to be able to be on like the same type of life purpose , life path as as other human and then like your image with them .

You have you basically have all the things with them and you're able to go really deep with them , and that's something that I really do want and one of the things that I kind of question whether or not is truly possible to get if I , if I or or someone else , were to be splitting their time in other relationships .

Like , can you actually go really deep if you're , if you have multiple people that you're engaging with or is or is one person for like one particular thing and other person is for another particular thing , and is that actually what you want ? Or do you really want to be like I ?

You know I really have to work at this relationship to be able to go deeper with myself and find more intimacy with myself and another person and like how , how , how far can I really go ?

I haven't had , I feel like I haven't had the really this , the type of significant relationship that I really really wanted and able to build that and I just I want it . So like I don't know , I don't want to do with multiple people at this particular point in time , like I want to . I just want to do with one .

I could do with why I don't even know where to find them all . I said I was one of the things that , but I could see I could see something like that progressing as , like as you get more of what it is that you want and then you're able to open even further . I could see that .

Yeah , yeah , and that book was so good . I haven't read the new , the newest one , but I love , yeah , I can't wait to read that one . But the first one I really , really liked because she broke down all this , all this different type of attachment style stuff that was not just about romance .

It was like , you know , you can do different attachment styles because of these types of situations with like with your sister , with your friends , with , even because of like whatever happened with schooling , situations like all these different things was like , oh , this is so cool , like I've already learned about this stuff .

But we didn't go into all the other factors of how this could happen . But this makes a lot of sense , right ? So , um , yeah , I just I thought that was so , so interesting in her book and I just , attached to style can be healed like you can . You can become an earned , secure human if you know where to find

tools and where to get the help and and if you're really motivated to to change the way you've been .

Basically , you're tired of , like you know , being jealous or having all these triggers that come up or being volatile or passive , aggressive or how , like you know how , avoidance , and just like run , yeah , run away , run away and be like I'm not gonna deal with it . You can .

You just have to choose to start working on that and you can change and become more secure .

So if they're you know , if they're more likely to avoid and run away and you know not want to have that conflict conversation Sorry , I've got wild animals in the house apparently Then banging around Then you're more likely to get anxious because you they're not communicating with you and they're running away .

You're like I don't want to be abandoned , I don't want you to leave . So can you just , like you know , tell me what's going on , maybe ? And if they don't know how to do it , then you just want to like be a little more grabby and you won't like hello , can you support and acknowledge me ?

Or like something I just need to hear , I just need to know what's going on and so , like stuff like that , come off and then at the same time , if you your response is to be more anxious , then sometimes I can push people away and then if you're secure , then usually you're having a pretty good , having a pretty good dynamic , which I find .

I really find that this is a one of the reasons I actually really like this world , like whether it's within the kink world or like whatever type of relationship you're in , open types of relationships .

I find that people communicate way better in these worlds and they're usually they usually coincide , but this is like one of the things that I just I really really love about it . Like you're consistently having these consent conversations , really great sex conversations .

Usually you're open about talking about stuff like you know your STI Status and protection , which makes protects you a lot better , and then all of that requires communication in the first place . So it's like they , these skills , are just there .

They're not just there like they've been built , but they , they're more likely to be in these situations is what I've found ? Like I don't yeah , like it's just kind of it's just it's common , which is great .

So it's like clearly this person has that communication skill like they've , you know , they've experienced in the past , they've learned how to build it and now they're utilizing it and it works .

It works really , really well , because I've had a couple of conversations with different people where they've done kind of like preemptive things or some of the requires like my own self awareness with it too . So I'm like I , you know one of them has said like I'm going to need some space for something .

I'm like , okay , you know , when am I going to hear from you ? Because that was something that , like my ex did and he would not communicate what was what was happening , and I'd be like , are we breaking up ? Because you kind of do that sometimes and it's not really super fun , so I need to know whether you're like taking a day or whether we're over .

And then this other person was like , can you just tell me like when you're going to contact me again and he wasn't really doing a super specific and I was like hey , listen , I'm feeling triggered because of this last situation which you know . He's like oh , okay , I get it , I'll respond back to you by this time , kind of thing .

Like , okay , okay , thanks , I'm good . No , carry on , we can take your break . Yeah , yeah that I've had like another recent conversation with someone that we're kind of like going on a couple of dates with I've gone on a couple of dates with , and he was just like well , what kind of conversation do you like to have ?

Because I'm not in the city at the moment , so I'm not , we're not like nearby until January . Basically . So , what do you like ? What do you want to do for a conversation ? And like do you want to talk in between ? Like , do you want to text ? Do you want to ? What do you want to do ? How do you like to to interact ?

And I was like , oh well , since we're going to be far away , I would like I don't mind texting , but if , like , we're close by and we're just planning to , like we're going to see each other within the same week or something , I just basically want to make plans .

But since that's not the case , right now we can like text and do some audio notes and ask questions back and forth and chat like this until we can see each other again , sort of thing .

might not , because they're always overextending themselves . They're always doing it like whatever it is right and um yeah . So they need to be able to say no and and show .

You know , show up for themselves , and that also supports everyone else that you're in relationship with , because then you know that you're actually getting a whatever , like whatever version they say you're , you're getting , you're going to get from them .

Basically , like you know , I need a break today , so I don't really want to hang out , or , yeah , we can hang out , but I'm just going to , I'm just going to tell you I'm a hot mess and I kind of need , like some emotional support . So this is what you're getting . If you still want to hang out , let me know .

But , like in the in the example I was just giving kind of thing , like you would energetically feel that person being like saying yes .

When it's like they're saying yes , but I know they're just they're just saying it because they're people pleasing me right now , like just , can you just be honest with me , like you'll feel it , you'll feel it in your body , so that's , that's kind of like .

It's like an energy , it's energetic , but it's also , I think , a nervous system thing , because I like to kind of put the two of them together . So the dog is just like wanting attention . Right now I'm trying to talk to you . But yeah , so like I think one one , our nervous systems , kind of pick up on one another's , whatever the other person has going on .

So that's kind of I don't know . I just I just feel like nervous system and energy in combination , they kind of are just interchangeable , as is what I've kind of learned more recently . But regarding the actual like Reiki , healing and stuff . So you have to get attuned to to be able to do the healing .

Although it's accessible , it's just I find that I feel like you would get drained more quickly if you were to try to do like a Reiki and energy healing on someone without actually having the attunement process sort of thing . And then there's there's three levels to it . So the way that Reiki works is you have different chakras in your body .

There's seven different chakras in your body and each one represents something different and basically it's connected to like an energetic center , but also to like certain emotional , like an emotional body and then also your physical body .

So it can be very telling us for when you like , if I'm going through a healing , what is usually it's something like emotional stuff that's going on that's causing energetic blockages in the body and , depending on how long it's been going on , for it can have , like , if it's has stuck there , been stuck there for a long time , it can cause physical ailments ,

basically . So when I'm doing the healing on people , I can , I can basically sense , like what it is that at the base of the top layer , of what it is that they need to start working on in order to start to heal themselves and regulate themselves . So it's kind of like . It's kind of . It's kind of like a psychic power .

I guess in a sense too , because I actually get messages which I which I feel are mostly from the body , but it can also go on a spiritual level . So there can be I can get like spirit guide messages and stuff too , but a lot of it feels very intuitive messages coming directly from the body and what the person needs . So that kind of start off with it .

So maybe your throat's actually closing up , maybe you have a cough , maybe like something else is going up , you're losing your voice , anything like that . So it'll be , it'll be happening in your throat . But if it's , it can be multiple things as well .

So there could be fear , and fear is usually based in the root , so like the base of your spine , so low back type stuff , or in your legs , your knees , is actually where the fear like where I work on for fear stuff specifically , but still like the from your tailbone down . That's all root chakra stuff regarding the body .

So there could be fear if it's like if the conversation revolves around sex , then it might be sacred , which is like belly button and reproductive organ area , and so that's . That's also connected with emotions , the sexuality , creativity , all those things are there and you , and so it can be like okay , what is our ? Are all these things happening at once ?

Are you , are you nervous about speaking up ? Is there something that you want in the bedroom and you know , and you have like this emotional attachment to it , you're really nervous about it , you have shame about it , like what you know , what is , what is it that's going on ?

So , yeah , there'll be different things that come up about it and then some some things can be like you know , is this what's going on ? And then I could ask a question and then sometimes them talking about it helps to release something , because they just need to . They need to actually say say it or express it Like to me out into the world .

Or sometimes I'll get hits of being like you know , I recently I was actually getting a lot of like nutrition stuff for people , and so it's like I remember when I was just gonna like all these fruits and vegetables .

I think you just need to eat more fruits and vegetables because your whole body is like giving me a different fruit or veggies that just like do more of that . Yeah , just like just whatever , like you know , whatever nutrients specifically are in the fruits and veggies , like you're just not getting enough of it , so eat those . But yeah , like it's .

It comes in really interesting ways , because I've also had I've also had specific words come in that are that are very .

They're like yeah , that is my dad , that is my so and so like that is literally something that this person said to me , or I just heard this the other day or just read like something , something very specific that is meaningful to them can come up yeah . Yes , yes , we are as a human race . I feel like a yeah , yeah , but yeah .

And then I think , like , in regards to partnerships and relationships and whether or not you'd want to use like Reiki or healing on in those relationships , I think it depends , because I , when I originally started , I would actually do like ask , ask friends and family if they wanted to do what , like would want to sit for me and I would , I would do the Reiki

stuff on them . But I felt that there's certain situations where it's kind of like no , we don't , it's I don't know . There's just stuff where I think you don't want to know about it .

But if you're , if you're codependent and you have a tendency towards wanting to be that like you want to be that healer of all the people , you want to be the one that saves people , then it's not really like a super healthy thing for you to be doing . So it depends . It depends on what it is that you want to do . If you're both , I don't know .

I think it kind of has to be an equal exchange in that sense , like if you both have healing abilities in some way , then I think it needs to be like an equal exchange .

I will like through , yeah , but I think it's for people that are also doing the work . But you know , why is it not changing Like I am trying ? And I don't know why the changes I'm trying to implement aren't working , and it's just usually because the tools just aren't quite exactly what you needed . But I really feel like I have them with my program .

So it's a group coaching program is starting . I don't know when this is going to come out , but I'll be doing a few of them anyway .

But I am starting one thing in January and it's for helping you to basically become a more secure person and to be able to have better relationships that you can communicate really well in and attract healthier people and relationships in your life to improve the ones that you already have If you want to .

You know you're struggling with them , but you do want to keep them . You find a lot of value in them , like it'll help . And so within that 12 weeks process , within six weeks , you'll still definitely start seeing a difference and then , by the 12 weeks , you'll be very close to it , like probably predominantly secure in your attachment style .

Yeah , yeah , okay , awesome , yeah , they can find me on my Instagram as well , which is intimacy mistress Mm . Hmm , thank you . Yeah , I do too . I'm like I kept questioning why didn't question it too hard ? I was like I really like this , and then every so often , I'm kind of like , ooh , is this too much ?

I'm like no , it's really not , because that's exactly if people are into the same things that I'm into and interested in , they will really like that name , and if it's too much for them , then they won't follow me , and that's okay .

If you're taking it too serious , then you're probably you might still be people-pleasing , Like it should be fun , yeah Well , yeah it does . I don't know . I've always I like the intimate connection a lot more . I don't think I'm wired for the like , just for the physical side of things . It's .

I need that emotional connection , I want that safety . I want to feel like there is real intimacy that is not just physical , no problem . I enjoyed doing this .

It was very different conversation Well , yeah , pretty different conversations from what I usually do on the podcast , because not everyone's talking about nonmonogamy but they want to talk about intimacy , sex and attachment style . So I enjoyed this . It was cool .