¶ Navigating Non-Monogamous First Dates
Hey , I'm Alicia , your non-monogamous relationship coach . Welcome to the podcast where my friends and I chat about our relationships enthusiastic non-monogamy polyamory , swinging kink and our lives . You'll get a candid peek into what makes it worth it to live life outside the box . And in case you're still wondering nope , we're not monogamous hey , welcome back .
Joining me today is my partner in the show , editor Danny , and we're going to get personal today and go deep into the world of non monogamous first dates . So we're going to be sharing our own experiences the good , the bad , the hilarious and help you navigate the exciting and sometimes intimidating first dates , first encounters .
We'll be throwing around some first date questions and some ideas that go beyond , like what do you do for a living ? Plus , we're going to share how to handle rejection with grace because , let's be honest , rejection happens . And , of course , we can't forget about communication .
We're going to share some tips on fostering open and honest conversations from the very beginning . So , wherever you're on your non monogamous journey , this episode is packed with some valuable insights and relatable stories . Buckle up , because we're about to make those first non-monogamous dates Easy , breezy .
And speaking of making things easier , if you love the show and you want to hear more awesome content like this . Please be sure to subscribe so that you don't miss anything . I hate catering to the algorithm , but the algorithm exists , so help us out .
enjoy that was beautiful thank you , welcome to this episode well , thank you , it's a lovely podcast you have here of nope , we're not monogamous oh my god a podcast about the mating habits of rabbits .
Oh , interesting . Ironically enough , I actually know a lot about that , do you ? No , I made that up , I'm sorry .
Oh , okay , so rabbits .
Oh , my God .
Yeah , okay , so I actually raised rabbits . And okay , do you know where Thumper and Bambi got his name ?
No .
Because that's what they really do their back legs do the thumping thing . What does that do ? So the boy , like , humps her and then his leg sticks out straight and he falls over when he comes that's a fucking amazing .
But what does that help like ? How does ? I don't know .
He's getting like like tracks , like wearing tennis shoes when you're going at it . Oh right , in traction which we all do definitely that's good .
That was gonna be my , just the that's going to be your .
Just it was going to be , but now it can't . I'm sorry . I'm sorry , I took that from you . That's okay . That's going in my stand-up bit it absolutely should .
Oh my gosh , we do that . This would be like a little like workshop workshop episode for you .
No , I want to know , danny me yes , yes , I want to know what you ask people on first dates uh , because you never , you've never heard that I've never been on a first date with you before oh no , I think I , I do .
I think it's a fantastic topic . Uh , because people need help with that right , like , how many terrible questions have you been asked ? A terrible question which is like not interesting ?
ones , not interesting ones , and also ones that , like , don't lead the conversation in the direction I'm hoping it'll go oh , that's fantastic .
What's the ? Do you have a direction in mind every time ? I just flipped it ?
flip the conversation on you the direction of the conversation changes depending on what I want out of the date gotcha .
Uh , that makes sense and to that end , I know exactly what I ask people on first dates Do you I have a list .
Wait , how long has it been since you've been on a first date ?
Holy cow . No , I went on one like a couple of months ago , A couple , I think , was it .
It was like six .
Six months ago .
I don don't know , I don't remember I don't either .
It's been a while , but yeah , I've uh . Okay , hold on , I can do this . You think I would have prepared . I actually knew what the question was going to be before we started this okay .
So here's what's funny is I don't I've asked so many questions because because pretty much everyone I've gone on a date with I've like met online or like talked to in some way before the date .
Yeah , absolutely so . It's not like that's the future , it's today .
Yeah , it's not like I'm like hi , nice to meet you . Now tell me about your favorite color . Well , that's a must . Your favorite color ? Yeah , absolutely , you have to know someone's favorite color .
Well , that's a must .
Your favorite color .
Yeah , absolutely . You have to know someone's favorite color .
Yeah , but do you ask it on your first date ?
No , actually I'm trying to think what like on first dates , because I always talk to people before I ever date them .
Yeah right .
Like that's just how things are now . It isn't like I've never been on a blind date .
Like you meet someone . This blows my mind actually .
So , so , ok , I'm doing a lot of dating coaching lately and I'll have people who are like OK , so what they're trying to do is like , meet someone in the wild , just organically meet someone , oh , I'm attracted to that person , walk up to them and ask them to go on a date , and I'm like that that sounds terrible . I would not do that .
Like if you came up to me at the ice cream shop and asked if I would go on a date with you no , I might give you my number if you were charming and cute , but like plan a date no , that's not going to happen . And then , second of all , like if I give you my number , we're going to text and chat a little bit .
If I give you my number , we're going to text and chat a little bit . So I see if it's worth spending a whole evening or a day or whatever going and being in , like in your company and spending my energy on that . Like if we don't have some things in common where we would like text or maybe talk on the phone . But like my God , I hate that .
I've had a couple of guys who are like , can I ?
call you and I'm like I fucking know . I've had a couple of guys who are like , can I call you ?
And I'm like I fucking know , oh my God , I've been dating you for almost five years and I still text you . If I'm going to call you about something , I'll text you first and say , hey , is it cool if I call you and I could probably count our phone conversations on both hands . Oh , easily yeah Like .
I don't want that that no , that's uncomfortable .
Everyone around me can hear my end of the conversation and then they ask questions about it . That's uncomfortable , I have to come up with answers right on lies uh , yeah , no , that's the worst . I would never talk to someone on the phone , uh , I also .
I don't think I'd go on a date with someone if they walked up to me and said , hey , do you want to go out ? Right , yeah , but I would give someone my number and I would happily text them beforehand .
So I think first date questions are probably a thing in the past but I mean you have to have conversations on the date but I feel like you probably established some conversations beforehand via text .
Oh yeah . So yeah , you told me what you do for a living . You want to tell me more about that .
Yeah , exactly Like . So you do this or you know what they do for a living . So now you know not to bring it up .
Oh yeah , you told me you hate your job . You want to tell me why ?
Yeah , that's a good question . See , we're good at this .
I watched a TikTok the other day where this guy was talking about going on a date with a neurodivergent woman and I don't know why that was . The thing that he was talking about was that she was neurodivergent . But he said it changed his perception of dating because she asked him . He's like , normally people ask you . You know , like , what do you do ?
What are your hobbies ? You know if we're getting spicy , what are your fantasies , right ? But she looked him dead in the eyes and said tell me everything you remember about your 18th birthday .
That's beautiful .
And he was like I'm still thinking about that weeks later .
Those are great questions , right ? Oh my God , that's a great question . Sorry , that's . Yeah , that's fantastic . Oh , oh my god . Or that's a great question , sorry , that's yeah , that's fantastic . Oh my god , yeah , uh , yeah , oh my .
You originally asked a question I still have , like I think I think we're hammering it out together because you asked me what I would like to ask people on a first date . Oh , yeah , uh , and yeah , that's really good . I know we talked about beforehand I things I don't like , necessarily like for me .
I've never had a job I love , so I always hated the question like , oh , what do you do for a living ? Like , so I personally try to avoid it if I can , unless it was on like front street , like I think . Whenever I think I saw your dating profile and I think you said what you did for a living , I was like , wow , relationship coach , what's that ?
Tell me more . Yeah , and you obviously liked it because you put it out there like here's the thing about me , yeah you're like what do you do ? I'm like I work in a foundry and I was like that's hot .
It is hot , you metal maker . Yeah , uh , yeah , I think that that's almost too general .
General , I think it's too general . I think that , uh , I think the 18th birthday one is really fucking right .
I don't think I ever would have
¶ Navigating Non-Monogamous Relationships
thought of that .
No , I do love specific questions like that . Okay , uh , so for like conversations , whether it's texting I've done on first dates as well . Uh , I do like specific questions . I like asking what people uh like think about , like just like what are you thinking about right now ? Or what do you think about ?
I think you have to , you have to like when you're driving maybe yeah , what do ?
you think about when you're masturbating ?
oh my , that might , I think , depending , that's context dependent not a first date question , maybe someone yeah maybe someone is cool about masturbation . They're really comfortable with it and they're like , yeah , this is what I think about .
But I think that , instead of asking them things about themselves like what do you do for a living is the one I always go to , because it's like in this world , what are you forced to do to pay your bills ? Everyone has to do something . What's the thing you got stuck with ? And I don't think it has anything , anything to do with the person .
Uh , but it does tell you what they spend their time doing uh , yeah , okay , okay .
So , in that regard , what I what I rather ask is what is your dream job ?
that is a question I ask in first dates yeah , yeah .
It's like oh you're , you deliver mail . I cannot imagine that you were a kid being like man . Someday I'm gonna deliver so much mail . I'm gonna work six days a week .
It's gonna be great or like I don't think there's some kid who's like I really want to wear those blue shorts and I would love to meet that person I would love to meet that adult in a date where they were like uh yeah , I've always wanted to be a mailman and I made my dream and I'm a surgeon now and I hate it , uh , because being a mailman isn't
attainable .
I've applied for that job and I've been turned down . Yeah , that happens , uh . But I think asking someone what their dream job is is much better , because it's something that it's something about them like that's truly like in their heart . They're like oh well , this is my dream job .
I want to be a relationship coach , or I always wanted to teach theater , or something .
Danny , yeah , what's your dream job ?
oh , I want to be . I want to edit podcasts my dream job , okay . So , like for most of my life , I thought writing comic books would be cool . I thought that would be right . That'd be so much fun . But it's such a but it's not like a very stable market .
It's not a job you go and apply for . It's a thing you just have to do because you're passionate about it and then eventually it maybe pays off .
And I've made some submissions that went nowhere , but I've definitely made some . I've taken action .
Yeah , yeah .
We're not here to talk about that .
Why not ?
Because we're talking about this doesn't help anyone date .
Oh , are we helping people date ?
I don't know .
Are we think so ? Yeah , okay , so you're non-monogamous , I am that I mean you , you and me ever most of the people listening and you're going on a date with someone you have partners at home or you know partners somewhere , and you're on your first date with someone who also has partners . Now what kind of questions do you ask ?
oh , I love hearing uh , I love hearing stories of of how people meet and stuff like that if someone else is a partner , I always always ask how did you meet your husband , or how did you meet your wife , or how did you meet , like whatever your partner is ? Yeah , I love that stuff . Yeah .
Oh , that's a good one .
And again , that's about that . I think that's more like circumstance and how they navigate it or what they're looking for in a partner , and I think it opens up a conversation to things well that's not me .
I don't know like . If they're like , I'm just really into guys who rock climb , I'm like I've never even touched a rock let alone climbed , one like we can get that metal . Yeah , I'm more into sound . Yeah , I love sound . Um , okay , so that also . Yeah , how'd you meet your partner ?
That also opens up to like how'd you , were you and your partner monogamous or were you non-monogamous ? Right , then you get into the like how did you become on this date while having a partner ? Yes , because , like that's an important conversation to have .
It is Early , yes , and let you know , like their dynamic , like what's going on at home ? Yeah , With them . Yeah , exactly . Or I like asking people how they opened up , which I think you just touched on .
Yeah , yeah , yeah .
That's like how did you guys , were you guys monogamous and you made a non-monogamous thing ? Have you always been this way ?
And I'm not sure you should make too many judgments on that because , like , I guess I like to assume that if people started their relationship non-relationship , non-monogamous that uh , they're better at it , but that's not always true no , that isn't that's .
That's a presumption I was making .
Yeah , so to everyone out there . There's hope for you , if you just started yeah , I don't .
I don't think that that's true , because most people have very different ideas of what that you know . Like . Well , like rob and I have never been monogamous together . But when we first started it was very much like he was dating people , I was dating people , then we fell in love and then we were like well , I don't want to do things without you .
Then we started swinging together and doing everything together because we were like in love and scared of like rocking that boat .
You know now our hearts were invested and , oh my , my god , what if you go and fall in love with someone else and he was like but I'm polly , and I was like but I'm not , I just want to have sex with other people , turns out I am .
Yeah , so , and there were so many like like we didn't have experience being non-monogamous in a committed relationship prior to that that's fair right .
So even though we started out and a lot of people went oh , you guys have never been monogamous , that means you must be good at this , and people made that assumption yeah , and we're like I mean maybe a little better than other people , like some other people , but like oh , we're fucking up left and right oh it's hard , although I it does make me wonder
because I think you could say that about just what any non-monogamous person would be like oh my God , it's so hard . Like I messed up this , I did this wrong . We're still doing this wrong kind of stuff . But I also I wonder if monogamous people talk like this about their relationships .
That's the problem . They don't If they did figure it out a lot better yeah , they'd be like oh man , I'm messing this up .
They're like oh no , we're doing it right , because we're still together we've been together and miserable for 30 years .
Uh , you know , you and I have never been monogamous together no , never that's pretty good I think we're pretty good at it yeah , but we had a lot of experience before that uh , we did several years we absolutely doing non-monogamy before even meeting Getting those reps in .
Oh yeah , building those muscles . Yeah , non-monogamous muscles , emotional muscles , e&m bodybuilders .
Yeah , oh my God , I love that . That's our second podcast . E&m bodybuilding oh my God , what were we talking about ?
The M is for muscle .
E&M Ethically non-musculus .
Emotional , emotionally natural muscles .
I don't know . Yeah , we don't juice , we're not using substances , just maybe creatine .
We're steroiding up on emotions , yeah .
Oh my God , what were we talking about ? I don don't know . We got way off track . Questions for first dates , yeah , but we won't pass that to . Oh , talk about how people met and whatnot and how , how they came to be on a uh on a date , aside from what you know , uh , and that is you were saying that's important .
It's so important to know what's going on with with their whole , like their polycule or their other partners or whatnot . Is that something you want to get tangled up in ?
¶ First Date Questions and Boundaries
Right .
Are you going to have to meet all of them ?
Or is there a bunch of drama ?
Is there a dog outside ?
Do you hear him when he barks ? And I'm recording and you're editing the podcast .
I'm trying to think it must not come up too much . Does he bark a lot when you are recording ?
Not often Sometimes .
It looks like it's picking up on one of the mics . Oh , maybe not . I always love when people say I'm sorry for my dog , but the mic isn't picking it up . So they're like oh , I'm sorry , my dog is just barking so much .
Yeah , silence . And I'm like I hear nothing yeah , yeah , uh , do you have dogs ? Another great question cats or dogs ?
are you a cat ?
person or a dog person uh , yeah yeah yeah , I like them both .
Uh , yeah , that's a good question . Uh , you could probably open it up more . Even I like open questions too are you a bird person ?
are you a fish person ? Are you a snake person ? Are you a fish person ? Are you a snake person ?
Because I'm not going to continue this . If you are Any of those things , do you have pet spiders ?
I don't like animals .
I live with some spiders , though . Yeah , they're my roommates in the basement . What are other first questions , Alicia . First eight questions . We've done this .
Yeah , okay . So my dates tend to move in a sexual direction . Oh , I like that . So a lot of my first date questions are things of sexual nature , like , okay , I'll tell you the question I hate what are you into the fuck , am I not into ? Like that's such a broad question .
It is pretty . It's a long list .
I can't just name it all . Plus , I don't want to give it all away on the first date .
Oh my God . A good answer to that question is mystery , mystery , mystique .
But also on the other , like on the other hand is . But also I want to tell you the things that like are green flags for me and red flags for me , like , like . I do not demean me , I'm not into that . I am into continuous consent . I'm super into compliments , like compliment me left and right and I'm real happy .
I'm into butt rubs , but that doesn't mean that , like , that's all I'm into . So maybe it would be better like what are you into for today ?
uh , truly , this date well , yeah yeah that that is a great question . It almost feels like you're uh , you're just asking for a manual . It's like so , uh , what do you like to have happen on a first date ?
the other question , so that I can do that the other question I hate yeah , what are your fantasies ? Now , I think talking about fantasies is super important . Yeah , absolutely , and typically I'm going on dates with men and they tend to ask what my fantasies are , thinking that they'll be the one to fulfill them .
Oh yeah , and I'm like , or they'll say , like , what have you always wanted to do that you haven't done ? And I'm like nothing . I I've made all my dreams come true in a lot of ways . Uh , but , like , my fantasies are . Probably most of my fantasies are things that I want to keep in my head or like not have happen in real life .
Oh my god , yeah , and so I don't want to tell someone on a first date what my fantasies are , having them think like , yeah , where that's what we're gonna , this is that's where this is going like . That's for me more of a like . You're someone I trust and have security with , and now I'll share my fantasies with you .
Yeah , that makes perfect sense , absolutely . Uh , who wants to fulfill their fantasies on a first date ? A lot of people that's crazy .
Well , a lot of people's fantasies are like having a threesome .
But even then a first date .
I've had lots of threesomes on first dates . On first dates Well , I mean , usually it's with someone that it's not the first date , but the third person is a first date . Oh , that's fine .
See , yeah , but you're all together . I guess I assume this is like a one-on-one thing and you're seeking like a romantic relationship or something .
Uh-huh , uh-huh .
I don't know if I'd threesome , but not no judgment to you . I'm sorry , absolutely . If you're on a first date , have a threesome .
You totally can and also what about , like , like that third person , if they're on a first date with a couple and having a threesome , what ?
oh my god . Then there's all kinds of things . I guess I've never been on a first date with the intention of a threesome with the intention of a threesome ? No , never . Yeah , oh my god , yeah , it just seems so important to me . Oh , interesting , we're so different , so different .
No , I'm open to that , though I suppose that probably opens the door to a lot more questions . I guess the intention of the date would definitely influence the questions that you were asking yeah , am I looking for a romantic relationship ?
Am I looking for a sexual relationship ? Is this a one-night stand type of date sure is this .
Do you ask that question are we just , are we just banging , are we just having sex tonight ?
um , that's not a question I would ask . That's more of a thing , I would state oh , we're having sex no , but more like uh , I think I told you five years later we're having this conversation finally , um , finally , shush .
I think we both were really clear like I'm not looking for a , or like I think I told you Five years later , we're having this conversation Finally , finally , shush .
I think we both were really clear . Like I'm not looking for a relationship .
I've got a couple of those . Oh yeah , but like someone to like , I wouldn't mind . Like some good flirtation , some sexy times we can hang out once or twice . This will be great . Always looking for friends . And then we made be great . Always looking for friends .
And then we made them and we did that , and then we did that again yeah , and then we did that again , and then we did that again . We're so casual and yeah , like I was just looking for something real casual and we are still very casually committed uh , yeah , I agree with that .
I think we talked about that our last episode actually that's how we just kind of kept it at the same level for a long time yeah , some tantric dating yeah you're cute you're cute . Um , yeah , so asking questions of a sexual nature ? Yeah , yeah , that is important stuff to get out , assuming that that that is the direction of the day .
Yeah , I always worry about just giving advice of like , well , these are the sexual questions you should , you should , ask , and people are like , oh , yeah , I'm going to run with that and like it didn't work . I don't understand why it's like well , did you guys have any ? Was there any hint that you guys were going to be heading that direction right away ?
There's a lot of context . Gotta , gotta suss that stuff out yourself . Yeah , um , what your fantasies are is definitely a bad question , is it ? I think ? I think so . What do you fantasize ? Because I agree , most of the guys I know that would ask that question would be like yeah , because I want to do it .
Yeah , it's like , how about you get on the ground floor , get to know someone's body before you think you're going to start blowing their mind ?
Yeah , yeah .
That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself and your partner .
Yeah , is better . Oh , that's really good you remember our first date and I put my hand on your knee .
No , our knees were touching our knees were touching and you're like yeah , yeah , I remember that our knees were touching under the table and you called it out .
You were like our knees are touching and I was .
I do remember that . Yes , yeah , I like that kind of touch just the knees touching . Yeah , really bouncy . Uh , oh man , I had something . Now it's gone .
I'll edit this out now yeah , yeah , you're really good at editing uh , I'll cut this out too .
Yeah , so everyone thinks I'm humble yeah , that's exactly what you should do . Uh , what kind of touch do you like ? Is such a good question ? Uh , what are other like , like , just like , just . I think closing in too much is bad . What do you mean Like ? And asking only yes or no questions ?
Oh yeah , is tedious and it doesn't really engage the mind that much . Yeah , but at the same time asking just like what do you like that is ? That might as well be the same . It's like my god what's your favorite food ? your favorite food I ? I don't like that question . I make stuff up .
I don't like favorites . Yeah , I'm polyamorous . Tell me , I don't like favorites what's something you like what's something you're into recently ?
like you , like you were saying about , like what are you into tonight ? Like yeah , I think that makes a lot of sense yeah , what music were you listening to today ? Oh my god , what is uh actually ? Another question I love is what ? What did you listen to on the way to this date ? Oh , thank you for reminding me . Yeah , I'm resting on dating .
Yeah , that's really good , that's really good yeah , what did you listen ? To on the way here , mostly the sound of my breath as I was hyperventilating I'm scared of driving too .
Driving to no um , oh man , those are good . I just want to ask you much like first date questions , yeah , yeah , uh , but now I can't think of any . What did you listen to on the way to this podcast ? What were you listening to when you're getting ready ?
oh , I was listening to my my um , the playlist that just naturally plays when my alarm goes off on Spotify .
I was going to say , like when I wake up .
It's called Brekkie Time .
I know that playlist well .
I play it a lot because I'm real lazy and so I just say , hey , Google play music .
And it's like this one , alicia , it didn't . Oh my god , I thought that's funny . Here it goes . It's not picking it up . No , it's not , it's so quiet hey , google stop . That was fun are we gonna get sued now for saying google on a podcast ?
I'm pretty sure you can't say name brands . That's not true we aren't making money that's fair if you make money off of them , then you have to attribute that's not a plug right there no , it doesn't matter , okay , they don't care . They , they want to be plugged .
If I was making money off of , then they would like we want to cut yeah bill gates is even still the head of google that's another great first date question bill gates is he still ? So what do you think of Jeff Bezos ? That's a fun one .
So I think he's a national hero .
I was like that's not the answer I was expecting . See , that's why it's a good question .
Wow yeah , you saw some things out , yeah .
Yeah , yeah . One that I really like to ask is okay , this is a question , and whether it's a first date or not , like texting whatever , I always ask people their thoughts on the movie Waterworld . Oh my God , you do , I do . I ask everyone that that is such a good one . It really , it just really , because there's polarized answers about that movie .
I don't know why that's dumb , but people are real passionate . If they don't like water world , they will go off about it , oh yeah and then I'm like , oh , we are not a match I'm not , this is not someone I want to . I don't want to touch this person's genitals because they're real passionate about disliking a movie from the 90s . Yeah .
That's awesome .
Which is a fantastic fucking movie .
And then they're like Sorry for the spoilers .
Then they're like , oh yeah . Then they're like , oh , it's exactly the same movie as the Postman . And what's the other one ? That's also Kevin Costner .
It's the same actor is what they mean .
It's also the same concept . It's like a post-apocalyptic okay , so I would say water world is close .
It's like mad max on water maybe yeah which is which amazing water world was brilliant .
It was just ahead of its time , yeah absolutely , that's all yes it was amazing and I have a pull start penis .
That's amazing , wasn't that a thing ?
I don't know , maybe I'm thinking , I might be watching a different version of that movie I don't think I am the porn's the porn parody Guys in the comments .
Did Waterworld have a Polestar penis ?
Did it Wait where , when ? What ?
are you talking about ? Was it Dennis Hopper ?
Dennis Hopper .
I could have swore someone had a penis , but he had a .
I don't know they didn't show it . I should know . Maybe , like oblivious to what was happening , we should watch Waterworld . Oh my God , yes , absolutely . I love that movie .
I might cut this out Like one of my best friends growing up . Ever for a very long time
¶ Waterworld, Fleshlight, and Monogamy
he just had he would get up in the morning before school at like six and he would watch half of Waterworld before the bus got there and he'd go to school and then the second day he'd watch the second half and then he'd rewind the movie and that routine for like a year I love that yeah , it was . It was brilliant .
Yeah , I love that he started every morning with water world . It was fantastic . I love that . This is why we're together , because water world is a great movie yeah , post-apocalyptic is my absolutely favorite genre of movies .
Like , like um post-apocalyptic and um disaster movies . I love them , and so like if I'm going on a date with someone or like meeting them and they're like , no , I hate that and I'm like there's something about the way my brain works and the brains of people who hate that . That just doesn't jive .
I have yet to meet someone that hates Waterworld that I want to fuck .
You , really , you get it .
So that's a question I ask . That's a great question to ask yeah , or like whatever your thing is .
Oh yeah , really , you get it . So that's a question . I ask that's a great question to ask , yeah or like whatever your thing is oh yeah , I don't think it'll work for everyone , because if you're one of those people that hates water world , you can't be looking for someone who likes it like oh , but you could ask what are your thoughts on the world ?
on the movie water world and if they're like I love it and you can be like oh nah , this isn't gonna work or I'd love it like I only date people who are lukewarm on Waterworld .
You can't have any strong feelings about it . I need someone who's just like whatever .
It's fine . Yeah , it's a movie If it's on .
I don't change it .
Yeah .
Yeah , one I like to ask is if you had the option to replace either your left or right arm you can choose . Replace it with a cool robotic one , would you ? I could choose . Yeah , you choose left or right .
how well does it work ?
it's awesome it is a great robot arm . Oh yeah , I would . The question really is how attached are you to having this body like , are you ? Oh yeah , like are you into it , or would you upgrade it if you could ?
I would upgrade your arm , my arm , yeah I never .
I never asked that before . Let's find out like on a first date , like hey , would you replace my body parts ? Yeah I don't think that one works .
I think you should ask about them oh , that's fair , but my answer is that I would replace your arm which one your left one my left arm .
Yeah , what would it like below the tattoo .
Why ?
Oh yeah , because I imagine if it's as cool of a robotic arm as as you're making it out to be , that it maybe is like shape changing or like you can change what you do with it , and then my thought is you might have a robotic penis on your arm , oh yeah , and then there's a lot of cool things we could do with that yeah , that's a good point yeah that's
smart . Maybe it's a first date , oh , try that what if you could turn your left arm like one of the things the robot arm could do is like be a hoover , like a vacuum ? That would make cleaning so much easier .
And you're storing dust inside your arm somewhere .
You know , dump it out in the garbage or whatever . Yeah , just shake it out .
It gets all dirty and stuff .
You smell like a vacuum cleaner . No , it's a really cool robot arm . Oh yeah , that's right .
Self-cleaning .
Self-cleaning like a vagina , vagina robot arm . Absolutely , oh my god , imagine jacking off with that . Uh , if it was cool , I probably wouldn't have to do that . Angle , I think . I think I would have like this . Yeah , it would just yeah , like my fist you would have like a fleshlight robot arm uh , yeah , we're plugging fleshlight today .
I think it's so cool that fleshlight became like uh , kleenex , it's not face tissue , oh , or like band-aid , it's not like medical adhesive or like whatever . Oh , yeah yeah , it's an adhesive bandage and we aren't , like you know , like a male masturbatory aid , like we're like fleshlight name brand very clear .
They're the ones who did it , yeah it looks like a flashlight , yeah yeah , but it's looks like flesh also yeah or it feels like flesh , where I never , I don't know me either I've used a not flashlight one oh yeah and I didn't feel like flesh , but it felt fine that didn't feel like flesh .
It didn't feel like flesh , it felt like silicon . Um first date questions . First date questions . Uh , do you prefer fleshlight or do you go off brand ?
uh pure romance pure romance . That sounds like a brand it is it's one of the home sales , like where they come into your house and have a party .
Oh my god , yeah where you have like that aunt who like , uncomfortably asks , like your friends or something yeah , I've had that , talk to them about their sex life uh , yeah , but hey , do you want to come to this party ? We're all uh trying out dildos or not trying them out . A couple of years ago , a friend of mine had a pure romance .
I think it was pure . It was one of those brands , whatever .
Um , she had a party and the lady I didn't know I know I knew like two of the people there yeah , there was a lady sitting behind me , um , and the not the host , but the person selling was like showing all the doodads that she had , and she had a lot of like lubes and creams and one of them was like a blow job free .
Oh , it was to , um , numb your throat so that you didn't have a gag reflex , sure . And so people started talking about blow jobs and the lady behind me was like my husband gets a blowjob on his birthday , if he's lucky .
Oh , my God , and like she said it was so much contempt and disgust and I just thought I feel so sad for you , like like I wasn't even like yeah , fuck that guy .
I was just like I feel so sad for you that you like hate your sex life and your marriage and like you're just spending your life with someone that you have that much contempt for and like have no interest in , like sexual pleasure , like what is happening .
It just it kind of blew my mind and I was really sad and that's my pure romance story that's the worst pyramid .
That's what's the opposite of a plug . Is that a bash ? A bash ? But that wasn't . No , that was just that one lady .
That's yeah , that was just that lady like I felt really sad for her that like , like do you think they're still together ? I have a feeling they are oh my gosh , I think they were just like this is what you do . You just you get married , you have kids , you push through miserable sex and you argue with each other and then you die .
And then you did it , you succeeded , you get the trophy at the end . You had a successful marriage in life and I'm like I don't want that . And that is why I am not monogamous .
You're not . No , that's a question I like to ask at first date .
Are you monogamous ? Does your partner know that you're on this date ?
That's a great question . I like to think , yeah , that comes out early on in the texting . It's like yeah how communicative are you , Unless unless Do you like blowjobs ?
And then do you like blowjobs , unless you are like , have such a like , like you like solo , poly or relationship relationship anarchist and like , no , my partner doesn't know specifically that I'm on this date right now now , but they know that I'm dating or they know that I had an interest in people , or they knew I was going on a date this week .
right , like , yeah , like something yeah , it's not a secret , exactly . Yeah . Yeah , I'd be fine with that if someone's like they don't know I'm on this specifically . Yeah , just that I do date that's whatever , yeah I like that .
Um , I like to ask people , uh about I know you're not supposed to talk about like religion and stuff I fucking love bringing it up .
Why wouldn't you talk about religion ?
I don't know . I think it's something from like our parents or grandparents . That's not a date .
That's not a no like a date thing though . That's like a cocktail party , dinner party thing , like don't bring it up in mixed company . I think , oh , that's fair . Uh , yeah , fair enough .
If you're going on a date with someone , if you want to be intimate with them or you want to like you're starting a romance , fuck yeah , religion and politics should come very quickly uh yeah , those are big things because it totally sucks .
Whenever you like , bang someone and then you find out that they're a total weirdo yeah , yeah , yeah I don't want to find out that I just had sex with someone who thinks that women , uh , who have sex before they're married are um terrible people or something .
Yeah , they're like I just had sex with a terrible person . You're like well , so did I yeah , exactly uh , yeah , like , uh .
So for me , I just like to know that they're thinking about it like it's like , it's like important to me that someone has to have an idea of the afterlife and I'm not saying that the afterlife has to exist , even if they're like I think the lights go out and nothing happens . I'm so glad you thought about that .
But as someone's like ah , what do you think about what happens when you die , and you're like I don't know , I never really thought about it .
I remember you telling me this I'm like what do you mean ?
you haven't thought about it . Let's do this now . Let's hash it out . What do you think ?
and they're like wanna watch a movie my god , you sound just like them .
Yeah , it's no fun . I like to know that kind of stuff and then here I am .
I'm like I think that we become stingrays floating through space like space whales .
I love that yeah .
That's not my actual answer Is that Mormonism . It could be . I don't know .
God , I'm sorry .
Mormonism ? Is that how you say , that I think ?
so I'm sorry , I wasn't trying to offend anyone in an actual religion .
Yeah , I mean there podcast I believe that like that totally makes sense , like actually yes , yeah , yeah and I was just tossing out most of our former mormons , though , uh that's also fair .
Yeah , I just don't know a lot about that one and I picked one . I feel bad guys , I'm sorry you can , you can .
I'm pretty sure that that's um what the buddhists believe that you become whales in space that's nirvana . When exactly you ?
enter when you exit the cycle exactly you become a whale in space .
Yes , there'd be a lot of space whales yeah , it's a big place though , so I imagine we wouldn't bump into each other . Space is big . Yeah , it's pretty big .
Space is big way bigger than a whale now I'm just thinking about Lost in Space .
I gotta watch the last two episodes that could be , or just a tip watch . Lost in Space . We keep it for the yeah for the patrons .
Like look , today we're not going to talk about sex tips , today we're going to talk about alicia's take on austin space and those robots are shape-shifting spoiler and empathetic spoilers .
They have empathy . They can like feel like not like they have empathy for you , but like they're they're empaths , like they connect via emotion .
That's right , it's kind of cool so do you think that that makes those robots super cool because they can sense emotion , or does it make humans seem more like robots in that anything about us can be understood by a computer ?
oh shit wow that's a .
That's another great first .
That's a good first date question um , I wow , could it be both ? Because those that doesn't stop the robots from killing each other , sure ?
also doesn't stop humans from killing each other that's true oh shit yeah , you would think the fact that we can experience empathy would mean we wouldn't kill people oh , wow yeah or do other terrible things yeah , wow , we should . Okay , let's scrap this , this episode . Let's not do this no and instead , and instead , uh , we'll have a first date .
With each other , yeah with each other .
Yeah , we'll just sit here and we'll go through a first date and what that's like for any of our viewers who have never
¶ Navigating First Date Questions and Conversations
done it .
Can you do that ? Can you have a second first date ? Like , can you actually like ? It's not like you can forget what has come before , but can you have a second first date ?
So , okay , let's say , let's say , you and I split up , right , okay . And then , like two years from now , we're like hey , do you want to get back together ? Would that be our first date ? Ooh , yeah , yeah , absolutely , I think it's , I think a first date can happen .
It's like you already know them . But you're going on a first date . Yeah , totally .
Uh , you can also go on first dates after having sex with people . Uh , I have done that me too . I have absolutely done that .
Yeah , yeah , it's actually like we're like we've never actually been on a date but we've totally boned yeah and I love that the tension's broken then yeah not not that well , I mean .
No , there's like some tension sounds on a first date like what does that person look like naked ? I don't know about anyone else , I tend to do that is that a thing you think about on first date would ?
it look like naked , I do hold on here well I feel like that that could be a dangerous question .
Right now people are just like waiting , like what's he gonna say ?
nobody's judging you , it's fine .
This is a safe space is it , all these people , I don't know , talking , uh , do I think about what they look like naked ? I don don't . It's not like I sit there and like fantasize , like , oh man , like I will absolutely . If it looks like , if it's going well and it looks like , hey , we might be going back to my place or their place or whatever .
Yeah , anywhere that works , yeah , I will absolutely be like , oh my God , this is exciting . I think this is happening . I'm so excited to find out .
I definitely do that .
It's like shifting the present at Christmas . I want to know what's under there .
Yeah .
Someday you'll find out .
Yeah , do I play my cards right ?
Mm-hmm , I like to take it slow , okay .
What's another first date question that people ? What's a first date question people should ask ?
Yeah , should ask , as opposed to fun to ask .
I like both did you bring ?
condoms did you bring condoms ? Because I sure didn't . Yeah , are you as irresponsible as I am ? Yeah , what ? What should people be asking ?
what's your social security number and date of birth ?
I gotta know yeah uh , I don't know . Is there any hard question that you should , that you , absolutely every single person should ask that , like , I think there's a list of things that you should avoid and I think there's an attitude you should bring to your questions .
Yeah .
Like a genuine curiosity as opposed to like , let's get through this .
Yeah , that's actually . That's really good . I think that your questions should one lead in a direction that you are interested in , should show interest in your date . Yeah , Right , I mean , I guess I guess questions show interest in your date , not just talking about yourself . If you're asking questions , you're already doing that doing that .
I think that you can ask questions because you're supposed to , or ask questions to make someone feel like you are interested . I think you should ask questions you are actually interested in .
Yeah , rather than the ones you think you should ask , and then you tune out the answer and don't really care .
Yeah , or it's alarming how many people do that .
Or ask a question . Okay , this is super common and I've done it . I do it for sure . I think a lot of people do .
But I will ask a question that I want to be asked of me I want to tell you this thing about me yeah but I don't want to just talk about myself or just spit it out , so I'll ask you the question in hopes that you will ask in return you know , I think we still do that to each other sometimes all the time and I'm so bad at asking .
Sometimes I'll just let the question happen where someone will ask me it's like what do you think of this ? I'm like this is my thought on the question you just asked . I really bad at coming up with them and then it just and I'm like cool , anyway , moving on . Uh , do you think it's okay , then , to let's give people permission or not permission here ?
Is it okay to ask a question that you wanted to be asked ? Yeah , and then when they don't ask it back , volunteer your answer absolutely what ?
Yeah , so like if I ask you a question and you start going off on a tangent of the answer and you go off and then it turns into something else , like I think it's totally fine for me to come back and be like oh , that question I asked you , here's my thought on it , yeah . Because we just went off on three other subjects .
Yeah , and I wanted to get this out and I wanted to share this with you .
So that's equally as good . A question , then , is what are things you want people to know about you on a first date ? I think it's something to come out there with too . Oh , that's so good , be ready to talk about you .
Yeah , yeah . What are five things you want me to know ?
Oh man , that's good . We should have thought about this beforehand , or we can workshop it for an hour right now .
Yeah , this is how it should be . Who scripts things ?
Right yeah .
What are five things you ?
want me to know about you , what you said , what you said , the thing that you said , or I said Things to know about me . I am right-handed , I am right-handed , I'm right-handed . I have a beard . I'm so glad you asked about that no , I'm answering for myself .
Oh , oh god , it's beautiful thank you I wish you'd let it grow out sometime I know , I know , but then I'd have to braid it maintenance I don't know what I want people to know about me you would be like I don't want anyone to know anything yeah , I'm a secret I'm a secret until you ask I am a secret .
As a person I am , I am a mystery that's the first thing , and then after that , I don't know man , I should date more yeah , I , I have a list of things you want people to know of questions .
I thought I was like thinking I don't know now we can cut this out as alicia just scrolls on her phone I'm so bored this is what I do on first dates I've seen . I have been on that day too . I just went there and nothing happened . They're like hey , look at these memes oh is this .
She didn't want to go on a date , yeah yeah , I couldn't tell if that was like just how they are or if they're like I just don't like you how do your current partners feel about you dating other people ? Oh my God , you want me to answer that . That's just a good question .
Yeah . Yeah , it is a good question . You can answer it if you want to . I don't . Oh , you don't have to , that's fine . You , I , I already know , and you aren't dating the people listening Exactly . And I'm sure they can ask you out .
Answer that question
¶ Dating and Partner Perspectives
, oh my god , you're totally right , that's , that's a patreon thing yeah , ten dollars .
Do you want to have a date with danny ?
date with danny find out date with danny the producer what if ? What his partners think of him dating ? Yeah , it's pretty mundane . I think they're like , oh yeah oh my god should that be a patreon thing .
Date with alicia absolutely zoom date . Not not like a real date , because that would make me an escort uh , would it I think so , if you pay for a date is that bad to be an escort ? Not like if you pay for the date , but if you pay your date to be your date being an escort's fine oh , that's fine . Yeah , I just am not one .
Oh , okay , yeah oh , oh , I like this one . Okay , um , what type of like ? What kind of communication do you like , like ? How do you like to communicate , like , with people you're relating with ?
right , I should ask that question more .
Right Like are you someone who hates texting , or do you prefer all of your correspondence to be um handwritten mail , or or do you prefer phone calls or video chats ? I mean , my God , our first video chat was during the pandemic , and you were like , oh , my God , I am .
I was not ready .
I don't know , and I was like well , I'd like to see you again someday . And it might never happen . The world might be ending .
So there you go . The way that I communicate is . I like to be guilted . I like people to make me feel bad until I do something .
Yeah , I learned it .
No , I didn't feel bad . I wanted to see you obviously .
I was like you can say no , it's fine .
I communicate through passive , aggressive sighs . That's a really good one .
It is a good yeah , because I didn't know you wrote me down .
I would have written some down I didn't .
I chad , gpt them what okay , thank you , chad I said hey , chad gpt . What are questions non-monogamous people should ask on first dates and um , and you know there are a lot of . A lot of them are just things that I've covered a lot , but not that one . That was a good one , that's a good one um .
You can rehash things .
You're wise oh yeah , like what are you looking for ? Something casual , serious , somewhere in between ?
yeah and I think that , uh , it's important to note that this isn't necessarily a first date thing . This could that stuff I would like usually gets covered when you're texting before the date .
Yeah , yeah . Or just you know , on the second date , or when you're just hanging out at a barbecue with everyone . So what are you looking for ? Yeah , like .
Just asking the guy at the grill .
Yeah , At the grocery store you're checking out and you're like , hey , how do you handle tough times with your partners ?
Come on , just let us know , let's talk about it . Why can't we talk about that kind of stuff at the grocery store ?
We can . Okay , why doesn't anyone want to ? If people asked me that and I was working at the grocery store , I would be like next they just don't have time . There's a line forming behind you . Thanks for asking , but no , I'm not .
I just here's my number . Is that how that works ?
have you ever given someone a fake number no , I don't get asked that very often I have . I bet you do have I was like , okay , there , here's what's weird . Okay , I was like I think I was 22 or so , 21 . 22 was working at a .
I was selling cars it's a good first question , by the way . First day question .
You ever given someone a fake number ? Sorry , yes .
Oh , yeah , absolutely .
Yeah , I was selling cars and , um , this guy was shopping for a car . He had like three kids with him and was flirting with me and I'm like he was much older than me , with his three kids , I was like 21 . Oh yeah , and he asked me . He came in and he asked me for my number .
And here I am , like trying to sell cars , trying not to be a dick , so I just gave him a number . I was like I don't , this is awkward . Everyone , all the people I worked with , all of the dudes that I worked with , are watching and like snickering . So I just gave him a fake number .
The next day he came back in , oh gosh , and said , did you give me a fake number or did you write it down wrong ? And I was like , oh fuck , no , I gave you a fake number , man , way to come clean .
Yeah , as you write down another fake number and like 15 years later , 10 years later , something like that , I'm having dinner with a friend of mine and her husband and their three kids and it hit me like it , just like all of a sudden , I knew how I knew her husband . Oh my gosh , they had not . They weren't married at the time , yeah for sure .
Um , you know they had combined family . But I was like , oh my god , you were the guy that I gave a fake number to . You , said that to him . Yeah , that's fantastic . And he was like , was it you seriously ? Like I remember , like he didn't remember me , but he remembered that .
Oh yeah , the experience of someone be like , yeah , of course , here and then .
Yeah , and I was like , oh , and he was like that was fucked up .
I'm like was it like you asked me for my number at work ? That is .
No , you , I don't want to . I don't want you calling me and texting me and like , and I don't want to reject you because that could be scary . I don't know what'll come of that . You might smash my windows in or something , I don't know you .
Yeah .
Yeah , so I've given a fake number . That probably wasn't the only time , but that's the only memorable time .
You know there's a , there's a much of they're still around . I remember when I was younger there was numbers that you could give out and it would just be like an automated message saying so-and-so has given you a fake number . It might be because you smell bad or because you're rude or ugly .
I think that still exists . That's awesome . I don't know the number .
I don't know the number either .
We should look it up , put it in the show notes .
We , yes , yes For all those people out there .
Wait .
It's like the opposite of first date . Questions is how do you avoid a first date ?
What do you like to do to avoid a first date Number to give to someone , number to give someone to reject them 605-475-6968 .
Beautiful .
It says the standard , the original standard rejection hotline . A man's sarcastic and humorous monologue rejects the caller and tells them to forget the person who gave them the number .
That's beautiful .
So that's my community service today . I've done that for you . Oh , there's other ones , I bet . Oh love Hall Oates , oh I love that one . This number goes straight to an answering service that lets the caller pick a Hall Oates song to play .
I forgot they had some clever name 719-266-2837 . That's legit saved on my phone 2837 .
That's legit saved in my phone . Oh , a simple recorded message that tells callers to leave a brief message . This is connected to the loser line , a radio station in Seattle that records and airs these messages . That's beautiful .
That's so mean . Okay , it is mean . I stand by my statement . I think it's beautiful , I think it is cruel but lovely .
Oh , okay , here we go . The Mary Sue rejection hotline reserved specifically for men that make women feel unsafe , whether they call or text . The hotline gives back a rejection about how the person should learn to take no for an answer and respect women's emotional and physical autonomy .
The TMS rejection function even waits an hour to text the person back to decrease the chances of confrontation . Sure , 646-926-6614 . This is a number women should have . Yeah , absolutely .
Absolutely .
That's really fun . I'm glad I Googled that Now the clear , honest , straightforward communication that we should all feel safe enough and comfortable enough , like I wish as a society , we could just say no , thank you , and that would be fine , absolutely . We could just say I'm not comfortable giving that to you .
Absolutely .
But another thing you can do is ask them for their number instead . Yes , yes , well , the mics don't pick that up at all . That's interesting . Yeah , you could also tell them you're just not interested in any type of a relationship , which might be a lie .
So uh , but not any way that they can measure I am a big fan of no .
Thank you genuinely , oh , no thank I've seen you . Yeah , no , thank you thank youuinely .
Oh no , thank you , I've seen you .
Yeah , no , thank you . No , thank you . I've had someone I was at like a sexy party and this dude was sitting next to me talking to me Yeti wants to bark . There was this guy sitting next to me talking to me and he's like hey , can I kiss you ? And I was like , no , thanks , that's awesome .
He still wound up messaging me a lot and I had to be real clear , like no , I'm not interested , thank you .
I'm not interested right now . Oh man , the guys would play the waiting game .
The waiting game .
Yeah , where it's like . Yeah , I asked her and she said no , but you know , if I stick around long enough , eventually she'd be like you know what ? He's not dangerous , I'll give it to him . Yeah .
Yeah , yeah .
Don't do that , guys , don't do that , don't do it , don't do that .
Just don't . There's how many people are on Earth .
A lot .
Maybe a billion or something .
At least a billion .
Yeah , just go meet other people .
I was thinking about this the other day when people , a lot of times people will say to me , um , like well , there's no other non-monogamous people in my area or my community , or there's no kinky people or whatever they're looking for , right , um , and I'm like , so you're the one exception , you're the only exception to that like cultural norm where you live .
I doubt that . Or , like well , there's very few .
Sure .
Okay , Maybe you know , look a little whiter . But also , you haven't talked to everybody . I promise you have not met everybody . That might be a good match for you . You haven't .
Is that just a complaint ? You hear , it's all the time . No one lives here .
Yeah , yeah , like dating's so hard for me because , like I live in a really conservative area and there's no other non-monogamous people here and I'm just like , but there are oh , they're for sure maybe it's harder to find them there because there's less of them than maybe in a , maybe in san francisco or seattle .
Yeah , but like if you're looking at a small area . You in a small area . You may need to travel .
Yeah , you may need to travel . It may take you longer to meet people , yep , but like you're the only one , cannot be true , oh yeah For sure .
Cannot be true . There's no way you can know that . Have you talked to every single person Exactly ? Have you seen what's going on ? Every single person ? That's crazy .
Yeah , yeah . Also , you know , non-monogamy being not our cultural standard means that a lot of people are not advertising that they're non-monogamous . They aren't out there going , hey , looking for a kinky bi switch polyamorous person yeah , know any .
Yeah , in the right area that that could ruin your life in some places not your life , but you know like your comfort yeah , yeah , yeah first date questions .
First date questions uh , yeah alicia this was so much fun , will you ? Will you come visit us on ?
nope , we're not monogamous again I would love to yeah , yeah at the very least , I'll edit it come hang out with us again the last time you were on the show was a year ago . I know that was a year ago yesterday yeah , that's wild for the 50th episode yeah and we did , uh , our favorite moments , I believe .
Oh yeah , we should do our least favorite moment .
Oh , I'm not doing that , no not doing that one .
Nope , because they're all great , they're all perfect every moment is always great , every I yeah .
Uh , man , do we want to do it ?
just a tip just the tip just the tip okay , this is a segment that does not go on the regular podcast but is only for our Patreon supporters at patreoncom slash , not monogamous . And um , it's called just the tip and it is uh , can you give me a favorite or best sex tip for our Patreon supporters ?
So if you didn't hear that , just the tip , you can check it out at patreoncom slash , not monogamous . You will probably want to be one of our lovers or friends with benefits . Those are the ones that get it right . Yeah , yeah , friends with benefits and lovers that get just the tip , because we just gave a lot of really good anal advice .
Oh yeah , so go check it out .
And not like OCD , like we mean , like actual butt stuff .
Butt stuff . We just spent like five minutes talking about butt stuff . Lots of good advice . Check it out . I love you . I love you , bye .