Finding Balance in an Unconventional BDSM Triad, Ep. 64

Hello , hello , hello . Today I have the privilege of digging into Hannah De Silva's remarkable journey , and this is a journey that led her from swinging lifestyle to the intricate landscape of polyamory .

We'll talk about the challenges that she faced managing multiple partners , the significance of setting boundaries and the value she places on personal time within her unique and unconventional triad . This is a setup infused with a BDSM dynamic , and you will want to hear more about this .

Hannah takes us on a candid exploration of how she copes with the intricate demands of balancing two partners with a BDSM dynamic alongside the commitments of work , family and social time , and she shares the importance that she places on a clear hierarchy and boundaries in her relationships and creating a dynamic that challenges social norms and embraces individual

authenticity . Hannah is not only an empowerment and relationship coach , but she also delights in the fringes of traditional society . She's bisexual , non-monogamous , embraces kink , and she brings the topic of sexuality and taboo out into the open , helping others shed social shame and live as their authentic selves .

She's also a published author and the host of her own podcast , kinky and Unpopular , where she invites you to follow her BDSM journey . So you'll hear more about the emotional impact of non-monogamy and the continuous process of self-discovery and the ever-present learning curve that comes with exploring the world of non-monogamous relationships .

In this episode Real quick I want to share with you that our podcast thrives with the support of our incredible Patreon community . If you're finding value in these episodes and want to get even closer to nope , we're not monogamous the experience , consider becoming a Patreon supporter .

By joining our Patreon family , you not only get access to exclusive perks and behind-the-scenes content , but you also help me continue to bring you these meaningful conversations so you can head over to patreoncom slash not monogamous and become a part of our wonderful Patreon family . I hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I enjoyed it .

Bye , I pretty much have it down , but I still hang up on people . Like when we get done recording , instead of hitting stop , you hit the big red N button and then I'm like , oh crap , I just hung up on them .

I then have a book that I've co-authored be published , which is now an Amazon number one bestseller . I'm also talking about non-monogamy and swinging and just bits and pieces for my life , and then I've also just launched my podcast , which is about BDSM .

Actually , I came up with it a few months ago and then we recorded the episode we were about to post it and we're like what was the title I was going to use ? It was really good and it took us about an hour to remember what it was , but we got there in the end and it was worth it , I hope .

So I was engaged slash married at the time so , yeah , that was our way of exploring the non-monogamous side and then when things ended with him and I moved on , I basically knew that I wanted to be polyamorous . This is something that I need in my life . This is something that I have to explore .

I want the freedom to have those connections to not be tied down in a relationship , to have that space to be me and not have to hold back parts of myself , not to have this awkward thing where you can't really connect with people fully because you're worried about your partner's going to think or you're worried about crossing these boundaries and just all of that .

It didn't feel good . I didn't like feeling trapped . So I started exploring and , yeah , I was in a poly relationship for about four years with someone and then during that time I met my partner now . So I was kind of dating two guys at the same time and that was , yeah , difficult .

That was my first kind of proper experience of polyamory and , yeah , that was tough . I'm going to find the balance between my kind of primary partner at the time while seeing my new partner having time by myself , working family , etc . It was like , wow , let's get a little rotor going .

But yeah , it was intense Loads of feelings , obviously , tons of emotions coming up , jealousy , all of the usual things you'd expect . Yeah , lots of difficult moments , definitely , but I think that time was probably the thing that I struggled with the most just finding that balance between myself .

I was just starting to get used to having that time , really valuing me time , and then throwing two partners in friends , work , family life I was like , oh God , plus being an introvert and just loving being at home alone , a lot of the time I was like this is not a good place for me to be with two people that I'm trying to balance and everything else ,

and it was like , yeah , a little bit tough , but it works . We made it work .

I think at that point I'd probably I got to a point where I was being very firm with what I wanted and I kind of almost gone into this kind of no-fuck's-assitude where I was like , okay , well , this is my space , this is my time , I invite you into my time . It was a very conscious choice .

I'd kind of got past this phase of always being with people and always doing what other people wanted because it was expected , and I was like no , I'm liking my space . Do you want to meet up ? Do you want to go do something ? No , I'm going to set a home . What are you going to do ? I'm not going to do anything . I have no idea what .

To film , eat chocolate , I'm not here , but I'm having the time and I just stuck with that and I think it was a bit of a challenge to start with , but it was needed .

So , yeah , I think I wouldn't necessarily change anything , I wouldn't necessarily have anything that I would give myself advice-wise , but that was probably the biggest thing that helped me do that was just that real . Nope , this is my space , my time . I invite you into this . It's a conscious choice every single time .

If I do not want to spend that time with you , I will quite happily say that I'm like no , I'm good by myself , let's arrange it for another day , or even just last-minute things as well . We'd arrange , made plans and I'm really not feeling it today Just like , okay , cool , Every schedule for another day .

I was lucky that both of them were very understanding of that . I really can't think of the word , but they just really have that space for me to just be like nope , I'm good doing my own thing .

So that was probably what I would advise other people to do if they're in a similar situation is to really have those boundaries in place and really fill them and feel unapologetic about saying I want to spend time by myself , because that is such a great skill that I think so many people don't pick up quick enough , especially with the possible partners .

So I've got to go outside the house and go to a coffee shop and spend time by myself . That's great .

But then for me personally especially the beginning of this dynamic dealing with the spaces of jealousy in that as well Me leaving the house , going to get coffee and in the back of my head , just that little voice being like they're together , what are they doing ? Just being like I'm trying to relax here , leave me alone .

So that's been more difficult , but in a very different way . But that in itself has been a journey .

So we do not see her as a girlfriend , she is not a romantic partner , but she's still part of our family , she's still part of our kind of unit . So it's a bit unusual , but it's still got the same challenges that kind of the traditional triad would have . And it's just and I may easily in some ways more difficult than others .

So in terms of that kind of issue that I think a lot of couples have in terms of like , okay , you've got to balance the time between partners , you've got to make it equal and fair we don't have that problem because that doesn't even come into play . So in that respect , it becomes a lot easier to deal with .

It's kind of like there is absolutely nothing wrong with us being like we want a night to ourselves . Go into the room . She's like yep , cool , have fun , yeah . So that aspect makes it so much easier .

So I'm curious do you guys have a plan in place for what will go down in the night for , like , if that dynamic no longer works for her ?

But yeah , just the nature of the BDSN dynamic it would be . If that did come to an end completely , we would probably lose contact , probably for at least a separate period of time , just no contact . Just the way that she kind of works in those dynamics , it's very much a all in . So yeah , it would be tough if that happened .

It's not something that we've necessarily talked about because it's nowhere near as kind of we'd probably know a year in advance whether that was likely to happen . So we'd kind of have that time to plan it and transition , figure all the details out . But yeah , probably not likely to happen , it's not planning to anyway .

I'm curious do you feel like polyamory is a boy or an identity ?

That is what works for me , that is what I want for my life , and I've kind of chosen to bring that in . So , yeah , I'd like to say that it's an identity , but I think , in the way that the society is at the moment , it's probably more of a choice that people have to make , because it's not a choice that we get given .

Nogma is still a default and anything outside of that is seen as something different . Hopefully , one day that won't be the same and then it can be an identity and it won't even be this big thing anymore . People can just do what they want , right ? That's what we're doing , right ?

I think I've always gone through this thing of just like the idea of monogamy . I enjoyed it . I think I kind of liked it as a way of , oh , this is what we're meant to do , the whole kind of relationship escalator thing . It was this price to be won , this like I'm successful at life because I found this thing , I've done the thing .

And it wasn't until I did that I got out of the way early , did the whole marriage thing , had a child who's great . But I kind of was like , yeah , this way doesn't work . Okay , yeah , I've tried it , this doesn't work for me , I need something else .

And I kind of just yeah , just weaved in a few different things and ended up where I am now and I don't know if I'll stay the same , I don't know if things will kind of shift and change more , but I just know that fluid kind of movement in my life is definitely what I need . In some aspect , I do not do well with the feeling of being trapped .

It just doesn't feel good . I feel like I'm a pressing part of who . I am Totally relatable , yeah .

Yeah , a lot of unprogramming to do yeah , yeah what would you say , it's been like what's been besides the time management , what's been the hardest part ? What's been besides the time management , what's been the hardest ?

I think it's the getting on board your brain and your body , because my thoughts , what I want to happen , what logically I know I want and I agree with , and I'm like this is correct , my brain's like I'm safe here , like this is I do not have to be threatened by this other person in my life , like this is fine , this is good thing .

I can see all of that logically , I understand everything . And then , still in time , I'm like oh my God , what's happening ? And it's just like will you just stop , just chill . And it's like they don't talk to each other . And I've got one just being like calm down , just relax , it's all good . The other part of me is just being like no , it's not .

No , it's not , it's just danger , run run , be sad , be angry , be all of the emotions . Just just this is like okay , well , let's go and sit in the corner for five minutes and just wait till you calm down and then we'll try again . And that's usually what happens and then things are usually okay . But yeah , definitely the biggest challenge .

through kind of at the beginning of everything I was like cool , this is great , this is fine , everything was good and genuinely felt that , genuinely felt really kind of secure and everything and everything was just great and we were just working our way through and nice and slow and everything was beautiful .

And then a couple of things happened that kind of completely just shook everything up and we ended up having to kind of they were both like okay , let's just slow down because we don't need to rush , there's no need for that , we can go at your pace .

And I was like but I don't want to go at my pace because as soon as you give me the control , I am not going to want to give that up . And we got to a point where we all agreed that there would be kind of boundaries and limitations on what was happening , their interactions and all of this stuff . And it did help to an extent .

But then and I knew this from kind of past experience and just knowing what I'm like in general . I knew that that would be really hard to shift out of , because I'm like what you're doing right now is giving the really insecure part of me the control .

That is not the best thing for me , like it feels safer , but one they're still insecure and now you're giving them control of the situation and then eventually you're going to want that back and that's not helpful . That is not going to , you know , longterm , that is not pushing us towards our goal .

So we kind of did that for a little bit time , really really mindful of that process and kind of being really conscious and trying to kind of figure out the best way to find that balance , and then eventually got to a point where I was like , okay , all the limits are off , all boundaries are off , like I'm trusting you , let's have some evidence that things are

fine , my love system is good , had some really really good weeks where I was like I do not feel jealous , I have no issues , I'm feeling great about this , like I can go out , I can enjoy myself , I can come back , I can feel like I'm not walking into something and becoming a burden on their time , like all of these things that you can , kind of can come

up in these situations and then , like four weeks ago , just out of the blue , it comes up again . I'm like , why is this here ? It's like I thought I dealt with this , I was doing so well and yeah , just one of those waves , isn't it ? Something happens , that insecurity pops its head back up and you're like , oh , you haven't gone , you're still here .

It's usually like , wow , that's intriguing , How'd you deal with that . Or it's a I couldn't deal with that . It's like yeah , me neither .

Like , yes , they are based around relationships , but mostly they're based around my view of myself , my self-worth and everything to do with just who I am and all of my fears .

And it's just brought it all up into the light and it's just like let's just shine a massive big light on all of the little nooks and crannies of myself that I try to ignore and I try to repress and I try to hide because I do not like them . And it's like let's shine a big light on them and let's deal with them , let's make them feel safe .

And I've got two people that are like , yeah , let's deal with this , like we will make you feel safe with this , we will seal these pieces and we will still love you and we will still be here . And that is something that I don't think would have happened in such a way .

If I was still monotonous , I wouldn't have got that same depth , because I think a lot of those pieces would only be able to come up to the light in a situation where I'm being triggered so much , yeah , so it's like a blessing in a curse .

So I think , yeah , a lot of that was knowledge of a similar situation where I knew I was going to react in the same way . I kind of understood myself enough to know what those triggers were . Part of it as well was from a previous kind of poly relationship .

So I had a previous kind of poly relationship type thing and it really really challenged my insecurities and I had one side really really supportive , Other side not at all or not not in the way that I needed it , not in the way that was beneficial .

And so having that contrast as well , I think because I went through a situation where I didn't get what I wanted and I could identify that what was being presented to me wasn't matching what I actually needed Then , when I was in a different situation , I kind of had that understanding of like , well , I know that this does not work , so let's not do that again

and then through that it's kind of almost like a process of elimination to figure out what did work . And I think that's probably the key thing has been I think this will work , Okay , let's try it . Okay , this part of this did work , but this part , I think , is good . Can we focus on there ?

And then it's almost like this little branch that you just narrow it down and just split off each side as you find bits that do work and don't work , and then you kind of just end up being like oh okay , here's a solution , this is a good thing . And then things change throughout the window and have to start again .

It's just not possible . So you have to do things to figure out what's what works for you , and then you add more people and you're like okay , now we got to start over . How does how do these people need me to behave ? How do I need them to behave ?

It is like just , it is kind of that thing of , okay , monogamous couple , a little bit of back and forth , that's , that's easy enough , maybe some out and kind of external influence , but mostly it's okay , polyamorous .

Okay , you , your partner , maybe another partner , maybe they have another partner , there's four of you , okay , and then you navigate that and that within itself has so many multiple layers . And then somebody else appears and it's like okay , readjust again . It's just , it just can constant , it can be like infinite .

Obviously there are waves lower and I think they get smaller depending how far out from the kind of the center point they go , but it can still have that chain effect which just makes things complicated . But it's half the fun .

Yeah , it's going to happen . Jobs , kids , I don't know houses , all the things , friends . Yeah , you're just picking and choosing what's going to influence it .

They've also kind of got their own individual reasons for it and it was kind of like , okay , so you do it , so you can have the freedom , so you can go and , you know , do what you want and all of this . And I'm like yes , but no , it's the freedom is nice to have , it's nice to have the space to explore . That .

It doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to or that I need to at a point in time , it's just having that there . The way I've explained it is kind of like you know , most monogamous people are happy to be locked in a room .

Some people are happy to be in a room where the doors are locked and they can kind of go in and out every now and then , you know , swinging or relationships . You know , it's just like some people like to have the door completely open so they can kind of wander in that a little bit easier . Some people don't like being in the fucking room .

They just want to be in the open space and they want to enjoy everything and just let things flip past and be able to see things and appreciate them .

And it's kind of is that is that openness that I really love , and for me , specifically , how that overlaps with the BDSM as well , is surrender , like surrendering to how these other people come into my life , how they go out of my life , how they impact me , how I impact them , just really kind of trying to let go of any control over that and just going

with the flow and just letting things happen as they happen .

That's pretty much my key thing that I have to remember is like if I'm , there's a practice or something that I meant to be doing and I'm like I do not want to do this , I'm like it's probably because that is the thing that I need to do the most Resistance .

it was post on a Facebook group looking for people to join it and it's I think this is the fourth book in the series . So it's usually around 20 people that kind of come in share their stories around different parts of life . So I know that one of the other books was around kind of identity and self-love and things like that .

The one I'm in is Sex , Love and Relationship , so it's kind of split into three parts . And , yeah , I saw this post on Facebook one day looking for people to kind of come and join this and share this story and I was like hell , no , nobody wants to listen to that .

And you know , it's way too scary for me to go and write a book about myself and really expose myself publicly like that , Like I just can't do that . And then a few months go by and it pops back up again and they're like we're really looking for people that have alternative lifestyles , that are queer , non-monogamous , anything like this .

Like we need more variety , we need more stories . And I was like , shit , okay , yeah , that's me . And I was like , okay , I'll apply , I'll just apply and I'll see . So just put it in . I was like , well , I'm bisexual , I'm non-monogamous and kinky , and yeah , here's my layout of my life at the moment . Is that interesting enough ?

And within 20 minutes the lady who runs its reading came back and was like I love it , yeah , come join us . And I was like , crap , signed up for it , now I gotta do this , yeah , yeah . And I was like , okay , well , I've signed up for it , now I can't go back . And yeah , I just I started writing . We got about 3,000 words . I think it was Roughly .

It's kind of we get like obviously a little chapter each 20 people . It's obviously makes up a quite nice size book . And I just sat down and I just kind of started writing and I did it in two parts and I actually did the . This is kind of all part of the story that I share in there as well .

But I kind of do a little bit of background , kind of talk about my experiences swinging with my ex and kind of just where I started off as a teenager and where my kind of my few relationships started and what it kind of grew into .

And then about halfway through my ex , who I had kind of entered BDSM and polyamory with , he died really unexpectedly , completely out of the blue , literally midway through me writing this book .

He was kind of he was there at the turning point and played a very big part in me being where I am today .

And I kind of got halfway through and I was about to move on to like my current day and I kind of stopped and went back and I was like , okay , now I've got to like write this in , put this emotion in , be vulnerable , like share this as part of my story , because it is part of my story .

So I just , yeah , I kind of reflected a little bit and it was good because it allowed me space to reflect on that relationship by itself , the lessons I'd learned , the things that I'd done , and , yeah , I kind of put a little bit more in about that .

And then towards the end , I kind of moved on to my present day , kind of skimmed over that a little bit more and was a little bit quicker . But yeah , it was a great experience . It's got so many weird and wonderful little stories in it .

I like to think , if you know , a little bit bias , but it's got a nice flow to it and leave on a little bit of a yeah , hopefully wanting people to know more , which is also partly why I started the podcast , because most people hear about my situation now and then they're just like I'm sorry , you're what it's like .

Yeah , I don't have time to go over this right now , but let me just record stuff and you can listen to it when you're ready , because that'll be way easier . Yeah , so it came out a couple of days ago and , yeah , it's .

All of the proceeds are being raised for the hopeful handbags charity as well , so , which is domestic abuse victims , which is obviously an amazing cause as well . So , yeah , it's really excited to do it , and I'm now being told by multiple people that I need to start writing stories and kind of doing a bigger or working on like a bigger book autobiography .

So my plan is to maybe start writing down some stuff now and then , maybe just every year or so , just do like those chapter , like long , long term projects , maybe like 10 years of publishing , all life project .

But yeah , it's just been really lovely to read everyone else's stories as well and see the variety and I'm a bit of a nerd with stuff and even just seeing like the different writing styles has been really fascinating . Yeah , yeah , absolutely amazing . Yeah , I am the last story in the book which I like to think best to last .

That's what I'm telling myself anyway , end of the bag . Just , you know , throwing the weird kinky stuff at the end , be fine , yes , yes .

And , yeah , if you're interested in the kink side , definitely the podcast . There's only one episode out at the moment but , yeah , we'll be recording some more and it's going to be interesting , that's for sure . Yeah , it's going to be a good one . Yeah , and that is kinky and unpopular .

So definitely check that one out , even if you're just being nosy and you'd never get into kink , guarantee it'll be interesting . And I think , like again from kind of the non monogamous perspective as well , we will be diving into a lot of topics around how to deal with the jealousy and all of those aspects .

So , like , non monogamous people probably find it quite interesting from that side of the fence as well .

So you have to do , it'll be fine .

I'm like you know , I'm poly , interesting , okay , so maybe she's a slut I am , and it's like BDSM . Okay , wait , wait , what I was just like yeah , yeah , there's , there's , there's a lot there like switchy BDSM as well . Like , yeah , I may sub to you , but I will also dump the shit out of you if you get too close . But , yeah , definitely the nerd thing .

That's something that I've definitely uncovered . We're all nerds and it's great .

They're just not like okay , sure that makes sense If you like it .