You're listening to a MoMA Mia podcast.
Mama Miya acknowledges the traditional owners of land and waters that this podcast is recorded on. Hello friends, Today, I am bringing you a special episode from one of our new and incredible series. It's called Diary of a Birth, where we bring these amazing birth stories interiors from around the country, and this particular episode really fascinated me. It's about a woman named Aaron Carty who did not know she was pregnant until she was giving birth in the shower. That is all I'm going to say.
I hope you enjoy.
I'm Cassnia Lukitch. Welcome to Diary of a Birth. Today we're asking how can a woman give birth without knowing she's pregnant. We've all read the stories in real life magazines, but does it actually happen? Can a woman really go through nine months of growing a human without the slightest inkling about what's going on inside her body? The answer is yes, and today's amazing guest is living proof. Because Erin had no idea she was pregnant until moments before she gave birth on her bathroom floor.
It was just a weird battle in my mind of am I giving birth to something right now or what's actually happening.
Giving Aaron and her partner the biggest shock of their lives.
He was said, just need you know an ambulance. My girlfriend has had a baby and at home, and the guy was like, oh, so, how many weeks was She then said we didn't didn't know, We didn't know she was pregnant.
And everyone else too.
Dan said to my dad, yeah, Eron's had a baby. Yeah, my dad almost hated.
So let's meet the supermum telling today's story.
Hi, my name is Erin Carty. This is the story of my birth with Eila.
Just five years ago. Erin was a young, child free woman living her best life.
So my life before Aila. I was a twenty just turned twenty two year old girl. So I just finished studying at the time, and I was working in pharmacy. But also I was very active as well, loved going out, you know, it was my friends still and I'd been with Dan for two and a half years at that point, so we'd moved in together eight months before that. So it was pretty, i'd say, like a pretty normal twenty two year old girl at that point in time.
Aaron and Dan had had those big life conversations, and Erin was pretty set in what she wanted.
We had talked about having kids. I was not for that. I didn't really want to have children, definitely. I guess you know, any twenty two year old would probably say that, but at that point in time, I didn't want to have kids. And Dan, you know, being a little bit older than me, he was, Oh, that would be you know, whatever you want to do. I would like to have kids at one stage in my life, but if it's not now, that's fine. So I was like, yeah, cool. So I was just happy not to have children.
At this time. Erin had very irregular periods, only about once a year, not interested in falling pregnant at this time. This didn't worry her.
I think I got my first period when I was eighteen. It just was super hard for me to track, well, it's impossible for me to track my cycle. When I did get my period, it would be super super painful in the leader, So sometimes it could be over a week and then other times it would be for one or two days. So it was just one of those things that I kind of just learned to deal with. And you know, being young as well, I didn't have as much of an emphasis I guess on my menstrual
health as what I would do now. Yeah, back then, I was just like, oh, this is great.
Throughout her pregnancy, Erin continued to work as a model, fitting into the size eight garments she always had. People since have constantly asked her, didn't you have a big stomach. Well, what's extra incredible about Aaron's story is that she didn't like not at all.
So I was, yeah, still modeling at the time, and like you know, I was mainly a size eight, sometimes a size ten depends, but I'm over six foot, so I'm quite tall. And I was just someone that would also judge my body and how it changed by my clothes that I wear. So yeah, everything still fit me. I remember later on towards obviously the nine months, I remember thinking, oh, like, this shirt feels a little bit
tighter on the back. But I was like, oh, well, it's fine, I'll just go back to the like do more at the gym. And I was also into my pilates. I'm now a plarate's instructor as well, but I did a lot of pilates. I wouldn't recommend to pregnant people now, like I'd be squatting weights, yeah, bit of cardio, just probably four days a week, and then i'd be pilates and then walks and.
Yeah, okay. So what happened on the most surprising day of Erin's life.
I remember waking up with some migraines and some pains, and I just put it down to you, Oh, you know, it must be the one time of year that I'm actually getting my period, and so I was like, oh, usually when that happens, it's pretty intense pain. So I was like, oh, that's all right, and also not uncommon for me to have migraines either, so I was like having a bad night obviously thinking about it or knowing about it now is obviously the start of my contractions,
but I didn't think anything of it. I was supposed to work the next day when I woke up, but I was feeling pretty rubbish at that point, so I remember getting my uniform on and then sitting at the end of the bed being like, oh, I actually can't work today. Like I'm just going through waves of like, you know, feeling okay and then feeling absolutely terrible. So I didn't go to work, thank goodness, But I just stayed at home. Dan was at work that day, so
I just stayed at home. Funny enough, I was in and out of the shower because it pain was in my back, and I just remember thinking, oh, I reckon, this might be my appendix because it was just moving kind of from one side to the other, and I wasn't really doing much and I just was like, I'll just have some neuropin and that'll make it feel better.
And yeah, I'm fascinated to know what sort of pain it was.
So the pain was a version of a period pain is in like the intense cramping down there, but then also times ten. So I was like, oh, this doesn't feel super normal. Like I wasn't very I wasn't naive to the fact that, oh, this is actually probably not right. But I generally was like, it must be my appendix because it definitely was coming from my back. It was like kind of moving from there, and from what I've heard of appendix, you know, ruptures, it does feel like
it's in your back. So I was just would jump in the shower because that was the only thing that was kind of relieving that pain or that just giving me a slight bit of relief, and then I was like, oh, I don't know if I'm even right to drive right now, because it was just coming in and out of like waves of be fine. And then so I was just waiting for Dan to get home from work, because I was when you get home, if it's no better, I
need you to take me to the hospital. So I think this at this point, you know, it was mid afternoon and Dan wasn't home to like six pm or something, so yeah, I was kind of just waiting it out and in the shower, on the couch, just kind of walking around.
So by this stage, Aaron was starting to wonder is it It couldn't be.
I just didn't know what else it could be, Like obviously could be a multitude of things, but I just didn't think at that point in time of anything else it could be. So eventually Dan got home and I'd been messaging him that day and he brought me more neurofan, more paned or it was just getting worse and worse.
So then at this point I think he got home, it was around six thirty seven, and I was like, Oh, I'm just gonna, you know, go back in the bathroom and I'll just have like one shower, see how I'm feeling,
and then go from there. And then I remember I was in there for a while, and then I remember it happening so quickly, like the point where you just need to essentially push, and I just remember thinking in my mind, I was like, m I don't really know how this is happening, but I like there's no other explanation that it was just weird battle in my mind of am I giving birth to something right now or
like what's actually happening. Like I was in so much pain that I actually like I couldn't yell out to Dan, like I was like, I just need to have this child. So I remember being in the bathroom and then like on the floor or whatever and just gave birth there. And then I remember just out to Dan, and I just I couldn't just hear like he was watching a TV show and I can just hear like a subtle TV show noise in the background, and that kind of plays in my mind as well all the time. I
just always hear whatever he was watching. Yeah, so I gave birth and there was a baby there coming up. So I remember it just waking up like twelve fifteen out whatever hours later in the morning, being like I just was hoping that was a dream and I was like, that couldn't have happened. I just froze, like I was like, once I called out to Dan and Dan ran in, I just remember him sliding the door open and he was just he stood there for half a second and he's like like it was just like, oh my god.
I don't think I've ever seen him turn that pale before, or he was just like, what's happened in here? I don't know it's flight or flight response. I guess like he just was like, well, I've got to do something right now. It also didn't look like the most amazing scene in there. I had, unfortunately, like hemorrhaged in birth and it was chaos and I couldn't really get up off the floor and I wasn't breathing at that point either, so she was not really Yeah. So Dan just picked
up the phone. He called Triple zero straight away, and the guy on the other end of the line he was talking Dan through how to bring her back to life. So he was amazing and Dan was amazing, and I wouldn't like I was hopeless at that point in time, like I didn't know what to do, so Dan, with the help of the triple zero operator, bought I went back to life. She started breathing, and what.
Did Dan say to the triple zero operator?
He said, just need you know, an ambulance. My girlfriend has had a baby at home. And the guy was like, oh, so, how many weeks was she? And Dan said, we didn't, we didn't know. We didn't know she was pregnant. And the guy was like, so there was a surprise. You had no idea, and he'd dance like, no, I didn't even like, we didn't know she was pregnant, and he said, is it a boy or a girl? And dancing I don't know. I don't know, Like he said she was a boy because like she didn't. He was so flustered.
He's like, it's a boy. I think yeah. And he's like, oh, she's not breathing, like she's blue, Like she's not breathing. And the guy's like, all right, like you know, grab a towel, like, put her in a towel, rub her chess, you know, put her in this position. And then eventually you just hear this little noise.
It was amazing, and what was this miracle little baby like she was.
She was full term, She wasn't premature or anything, and I always forget how much she weighed. But she was a healthy baby. She was a big baby. Everything just nuts and she was She had a little bit of gastric reflux or like, had a bit of acid built up in her lungs, but aside from that, she was completely fine. They had her own special care nursery for like a little bit, but she was ready to go before I was like I was, she was like, yep, cool.
What Erin had gone through was incredibly traumatic, not just physically but emotionally and mentally too.
I think it took me three days to actually go down there to see her because I was like, oh, I don't want to, not ready, and yeah, but it's just obviously the resilience of children and babies are amazing.
But yeah, I just remember thinking, oh my goodness, Like we were in Bali like a month before, and obviously I was drinking and you'd start to think about all these things that you you shouldn't be doing, and I was like, oh no, like but you know, we were very very fortunate obviously that she was okay and everything was fine. But yeah, absolutely crazy. But yeah, so yeah, I was in hospital for about a week and a bit.
It all just happened so quickly. We got into the hospital and I had to go straight in for surgery because I didn't give birth to the placenta, so I had to get that taken out. And then, unfortunately, when they were trying to take it out manually before surgery, had another hemorrhage, so I had to go in there and have surgery. And so I remember just waking up like twelve fifteen out whatever hours later in the morning. I just was hoping that was a dream. I was like,
that couldn't have happened. I don't know what's happening.
And I can't help but put myself in the shoes of Erin's family. How did they find out?
And my poor parents getting a call, you know, they just thought I heard myself. They didn't actually know. They just came to the emergency and was like, oh, well that like, congratulations, your grandparents and my parents were just like, what is happening? Yeah. I had spoken to my mom that day and I said, oh, I'm not going to work today. I just don't feel, you know the best, And she was like, okay, like just let me know
who you are. But I'm quite close with my family, so I hadn't spoken to them pretty much the whole day. You know, when you're just really irritable, you don't really want to look at a phone, you don't want to just concentrating on what's happening. So I was just like
not on my phone when I could tolerate it. I think I had friends on or something, so I was watching a bit of friends and I just actually hadn't spoken to them for the whole day and like into the evening, and so I think, you know, my parents, my mom my mum be like I think that's weird, like whenever. But Dan, when we were going to hospital, he called his parents and was like, we're going to hospital. Aaron's had a baby, and you need to tell Eron's
parents to get to the hospital. But Dan's parents had misheard what he said, and they just thought that I had hurt myself and they need to get to the hospital. So they've called my parents and this is like new now, like eight o'clock at night or something like you need to get to the hospital. Erin's hurt herself, blah blah, so they make their way down to the hospital and at that point I feel so bad because it's my brother's you know, VC exams the next day, and they're like,
we're going to go to the hospital. Are in so so I remember I think what was happening was, Yeah, they got to the hospital and my dance parents were there, and Dan walked out and was like, oh, they're both fine, and dad was like, what do you mean both? What are you talking about? And Dan goes, oh, Aaron's had a baby, and then I think my dad almost fainted. He's are you talking about? Knows like what? And then I just remember, yeah, them coming into the room just
before I went into surgery, and they were bothed. No one really knew what to say. Everyone was to say on earth, and I think they're both of them were secretly a little bit like, oh, that's a bit exciting, but my dad was My dad.
Was like, ah, Aaron's time in hospital was an ordeal. Remember she'd come with no consciously carefully packed hospital bag or detailed birth plan in.
Mind, so that was a whole nother thing in itself being in the hospital. So I hadn't planned, so thankfully had my own room which was nice and credit to the nurses, like all of the nurses are amazing and it was so attentive. But being in the hospital was it's just very intense because it was people coming in, you know, every ten minutes, and rightly so. But I had the new psychologists in there. I had the asking me, you know, you have options, like if you thought about
do you want a baby? Do you want like it was adoption was thrown up there psychologists. I had all the nurses coming in asking me all these questions and being like, oh, have you thought about how are you going to feel? And I was like I haven't, No, not really. I really had a hard time with feeding because I just I couldn't wrap my head around breastfeeding. I just I hadn't even I did try, and I remember getting super emotional about it. And it's a funny thing.
I remember every time I try and breastfeed, I'd immediately feel sad. It was just a weird thing my body. It was just a whole thing. So I remember they were bringing pump machines and they were like, oh, you know, go to the kitchen and make formula, and I was like, I don't know how to do that and like, what's the right amount of this. It's just it was a lot. And Dan wasn't allowed to stay either, So it was
because we were in the public hospital. So I remember at nighttime it was you know, you could hear all the babies and luckily they would I love for a lot of the time was you know, getting taken care of down there, so I would have the nesses coming in with the pump machine, you know, every so hour, so I can try and you know, get the milk going and and what not. But I could always get like the tiniest bit, but I was never the milk
just wasn't really happening for me. And I feel like I was probably yeah, I was definitely not in the right headspace to even allow it to come in. I don't know, it was, yeah, So struggled with that for sure.
It took time for Aaron to process what had happened. On day three, she knew it was time.
Dan had been there. He'd been there every day since we were in there. He was always in there, he you know, every day was like, do you think you're ready, Like said, oh, no, I don't know. And my parents had been down there. Dan's parents had been down there, and it was kind of nice because it was very
no one was forceful either, which was great. And also they would all take photos and then you know that Jomie photos of what she looks like, and I was just like, I just can't comprehend that that's my child. It was just a really bizarre thing. I was like, it's just I just can't wrap my head around it. But yeah, I think it was the third day and
Dan was like, show me a photo. He's like, youking, you want to come down and she like all the nurses like they want to meet you and be talking about you, like the nurses down there and like she's having a bath today, like maybe we should go down there and like watch the bath her. And I was like I thought, oh, you know, I met like I've got to meet her at some stage, and so I
was like yeah. So I remember walking down there and kind of the first time I kind of walked around because I had a catheterin as well, so it was just like I was just like, ah, like I don't want to actually get up and look at myself. But yeah, so we like trotted down there and I remember she was in her like little busket things that they have biblitical clear ones, and I remember just looking at her and I was like, oh, this is just so strange.
Like they had like picked her up and I held it like I was holding her, and I was like, oh, my goodness, like this is just bizarre. But then I
kind of knew. And then seeing Dan with her too and how much he'd like he's like, oh, look like look at this, and look like look at her there and look at that little my little ears and all this stuff, and he was like, oh, she's so cute anyway, and then I said, oh, yeah, she's she's cute, and they're like, so we bassed her then, and they were helping us like do you want to try and you know, change her nappy and because I'd never changed nappy before,
and yeah, they were amazing down there. So they made me feel a lot better about it. And I think seeing her for the first time as well was also gave me a sense of, I guess, relief a little bit. I don't know. It also built it up in my head that it was that I had done some terrible things to her with like you know, not knowing she was pregnant. So just seeing her I was like, oh, it's actually a bit of a relief there too.
After this, Aaron bonded quickly with her precious surprise package.
So then after seeing her for that first time, I went would go down there like a fair bit, and then I think it was the sixth night, they said, oh, she's actually ready to go up in the room with you if you like, and she can like be with you overnight, and like that gave me a lot of stress, but I was like, yeah, okay, I've got to do
it at some point. So yeah, she went up there, and I remember the first night was really really tough because you're in the maternity ward and the nurses like I can't be with you all the time, and I just remember she was crying and overnight and I was like, I don't know what to do, Like I was just
really really that was like a really hard night. But following that, I think doing things together helped Dan and I made sure he was amazing and making sure that you know, I was supported as well as Ilob was as well, So I think doing things together and also I had a lot of support at the time too, so I never felt isolated or I never felt I was by myself in there, so that kind of relieved that side of things for me, and I could kind of focus on trying to build a relationship with her.
And I think, yeah, that initial shock war off, still in shock, but that initial shock wore off within being in the hospital, and then I just kind of wanted to be in my own environment to feel somewhat normal and then continue to you know, navigate being a mum and also trying to build that relationship with her. But every day we got a little bit easier, and Asikah, I have so much love for this little baby that it's just yeah. So that happened pretty soon after we left the hospital.
For sure, coming up they do happen. I wouldn't say that they're common. I work in this space and I've seen one.
The idea of coming home from the hospital can be pretty terrifying for first time parents, and that's those who fully set up their nursery and had nine months to get used to the idea. So what was Eila's homecoming?
Like Erin and Dan, So we were living in two bedroom house, thank goodness, So we had a spare room that was actually my reformer room, so to ditch the reformer, but obviously I'd like nothing. The closest thing we were to parents is our black lab so he was that's the closest thing we got to So once we're in hospital, our parents and friends were amazing. They just they literally just got it, like they got I didn't have to
think about anything. They got everything and then just transformed that whole room into a nursery essentially, but like everything that we needed. Some friends you know, had who had babies, like gave us their capsules and prams and all sorts of things, and so that was a relief I had. You know, one of my best friends, she's early childcare teacher. She had like gave me nappies and elder things that I just wouldn't think of, Like she just had stopped
up the whole cupboard. So yeah, we we got her home and yeah, that was all set up, which was which was great, And it was the help and support of everyone else that allowed us to do that, Otherwise it would have been a lot different.
We've spoken before on this podcast about how tough mums can find it in the fourth trimester, how we can sometimes focus so much on the birth we forget to think about those challenging few months at home. I remember what a wild, confusing, fuzzy time this was. So how was it for Aaron? What did she actually know about the realities of babies when she took Ailer back home.
I already knew, like just from everyone else who I had already heard. I was like, oh, lesliep's you're not going to get it. It's going to be all over the show. So it was kind of already thinking about that. I think it was just navigating actually being by myself with a baby. I think was the hardest part for me, just because I had come from being in the hospital and I hadn't applied for you know, maternity leave or
Dan had applied the paternity leave. So he did his best that he could and got work off for like two weeks or something, but he had to go back and I just had come from being around, you know, Dan and my parents were popping in all the time to I think the first time he had to go back to work, and I just remember being like, I just I can't do this. I don't know how I'm going to be by myself eight hours with a baby.
So that was definitely, I remember the hardest one of the hardest parts is trying to be like, Okay, I need to look after this small human by myself. And yeah, so I think that was definitely just the managing your emotions, I think because I always thought I was pretty good at that, But it was also a whole new ball game after giving birth and being a mum and also caring fears someone else, not just yourself.
So what would Aaron say to anyone else who had a surprise baby like hers.
Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it, and if you're needing a break, like voice out as well. I got in my own head a little bit being like I didn't have warning suit everyone else didn't have warning, like they didn't sign up to you know, come and help me as well, Like I just felt bad to even message you know, my friend's or Dan's mom or my mom and be like, can you come over and
help me? I don't know what I'm doing. I think it is super important to look after yourself as well as the you know, your baby, and so I think if you need help, or you want help, or you need support, or you just need someone there, I think, don't be afraid to reach out and ask, because super important not only for the baby, but your mental health as well.
Diary of a birth is focused on giving moms the chance to tell their stories in their own words, but medical questions arise, and for that we have the wonderful services of doctor Gollie, dad of three and one of Australia's best pediatricians. I had to ask him, do these surprise pregnancies have a name and how common are they?
They do happen. I wouldn't say that they're common. There was a study out of South Australia a few years ago that showed an incidence of about one in roughly fifteen hundred births in Australia. In Germany there was a similar study. It was close to one in two thy five hundred, so huge variability, which means we don't really know how common and uncommon they are, but they certainly happen. I work in this space and I've seen one. I've
been doing this for decades. I've seen one and I wasn't even a doctor yet, I was a medical student. These surprise pregnancies have got different names depending on what they are, so you know, in this case, we call it an undetected pregnancy. This is where it is a complete surprise to everyone, especially the mother. In America they use the term cryptic, which is fascinating.
Understandably, Aaron was in shock and had to work to bond with her beautiful daughter Eila. But the feeling of not immediately feeling a woosh of love is experienced by many new mums and can lead to guilt and shame through no faults of their own. Here's doctor Gollie on what to do if you feel like this.
Yeah, look, I think it's more common than people think, and especially when it comes to dads. A lot of dads feel this pressure to have the same instant bond that a mum commonly has with their baby. And I see it, I must be honest. I see it every single day. You know, you bring a baby straight from delivery onto mum's chest and Mum you can see it click. It's like the lights turn on and this bond is instant and you can almost see a lifetime of bond.
It's beautiful. And I often look at dads and they don't have it, and you can see the cogs turning and wondering why don't I have it? What's wrong with me, it's a real challenge for a lot of dads. It's also more common in the setting of a maternal health concerns.
So if mum, for example, had a postpartum hemorrhaye to bleed after birth, or had to be put under general that aesthetic had to be returned to theater, or even if the baby has a condition you have the baby's whisked away or born premature, that immediate spark can be threatened. My advice to couples when they don't feel it, whether it's mum, dad, even sibling, just maintain that presence. You know, A bond is something that is lovely when it happens instantly,
but it does happen, albeit later every time. It's something that builds over time. It's not always instant. And I think if you put pressure on yourself as a parent, as a new parent, especially to have that instant connection, it doesn't happen all the time. And that's also safe, and that's fine, and it's normal and it's common, and it doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong or it doesn't mean you're a bad parent. I hear all of
these these catastrophizing comments. It's absolute, not the case, and I promise you, if you just be with that baby and have skinned to skin time, kangaroo care, feed them, bath them, change them, be with them, and just spend time, that bond is built like a bridge and it will happen eventually.
And I'm so keen to hear Erin's advice to all new mums after the incredible experience she went through.
I remember one of the midwives came over to me and did one of their visits when we were settling into the house, and one thing that always stood out to me was she said, a baby has never died from crying. So if they're crying and you you need a minute, like, go take a minute. They're going to be crying regardless, so like just take it time as much time as you need, and then come back because maybe maybe they don't, but the baby obviously might feed
off like what you're giving out your an. So I feel like, if you just try and take that time, come back, And that kind of always stood out with me, But also I think, just enjoy that time. I know it's like hard, and you know the sleep's horrible, or you know they might not be feeding well, or they might not be settled or whatever it is. But I think, just try and enjoy that time because it actually does
go super fast. It really does. And I know everyone always says that, but I just remember, you know, sitting on the couch and you know they're asleep and you're watching a nice show, and he's like, Oh, it's just they're just so small and it's just really special time. So I think, yeah, just taking that step back for sure.
Thank you for joining us on Diary of a Birth, where we celebrate all the amazing ways that we as women bring life into the world. Join me next week as we hear the amazing birth story of Mum and me as very own Clare Stevens. If you'd like to share your birth story with us, we'd love to hear from you. Find out how in our show notes. Diary of a Birth was hosted by me Kasenya Lukic, with expert input from doctor Golli, Audio production by Scott Stronach, and our executive producer is Georgie Page.