You're listening to a Mom and Me a podcast. Mama Miya acknowledges the traditional owners of land and waters that this podcast is recorded on. For Mama Mia, this is no filter. I'm mea Friedman and I have been a bridesmaid twice. If I had to give myself a rating for how I performed the duties of this role, it would be two stars. The first time, it was for my sister in law, and she was a really low maintenance bride, and it was a really low key wedding,
so I didn't have a lot to do. I didn't have to organize a hen's night or a kitchen tea or a bridal shower. I don't know. Maybe I was sort of expected to, but I didn't, and I don't remember that she complained. I really just had one job, which was to be responsible for the wedding ring, which my sister in law would give to my brother during the ceremony. Can you guess what happened? Halfway through the ceremony,
I realized that I had forgotten it. I'd left it at her house, so I had to gesture to the best man to take off his own wedding ring and pass it to me subtly so that I could discreetly smuggle it to the bride, who was very calm and very cool about the whole thing. And I also think I was in the early stages of pregnancy, so I remember throwing up at the reception and then leaving early to go home and sleep utterly useless. The second time, it was a very different kind of wedding. It was
for one of my best friends. And you have never met a bride who brided harder than she did. Not that she was a bridezilla. She just had high standards which I really didn't meet. And again she was very lovely about it. Maybe I have too much main character energy to be a good bridesmaid, but I just get impatient with the whole thing. Even when I was a bride, I'm not interested in the kitchen teas and the hens nights and the traditions and the fittings and the fussing.
I find it boring anyway. See, I can't believe that I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid by anyone else after that. Weddings really are like putting on a play. It's a performance where the bride is the main character. And that means she needs a supporting cast. She needs not a co star, but a supporting actress, someone who can help her with all the bridy things. And that's
what the bride'smaid is meant to do. The bride'smaid is different, of course, from a wedding planner because they don't have to deal with the venue or the flowers or the seating arrangements. Bride'smaids are there for the freak outs and the emotions. Bridesmaids are there to help create the vibe. And the vibe can be a lot of work, so can managing the emotional rollercoaster that is a bride. It can really feel like a job. So maybe it should be a job. And my guest today has made it
a job. Jen Glance is a professional bridesmaid and on her website Bridesmaid for Hire you can do just that. Hiring a bridesmaid is kind of like hiring a best friend or a personal cheerleader slash bodyguard slash emotional support animal. Jen has a lot of tea to spills. She has seen it all, the drama, the cold feet, the arguments, the romance, the disasters. She's been fired by brides and she has fired brides herself. I had questions, like, do all the people at the wedding know that she's being
paid to be there? Is that weird? What does she charge? She must have a lot of dresses, and who pays for those dresses? And after attending so many weddings, what has she learned about love and about brides and what does she do with all the dresses? And could maybe I have some? Although no, no one really loves their bridesmaid dresses.
Do they?
Well get ready to hear the answer to all those burning questions. Here is professional Bridesmaid Jen Glance. Listen, let's just jump straight in. We can chart some of your life through the books that you write. First one was, all my friends are engaged, talk to me about this time in your life.
So in my early twenties, all of my friends were getting married, We're getting engaged. I was perpetually single. I don't think I even scored a second date at that time in my life. And I was always a bridesmaid. And it was fun for a while until it wasn't. And what ended up happening was distant friends that I hardly knew were asking me to be a bridesmaid. I just thought to myself, like, this is so weird. Why am I being a bridesmaid for people who I hardly speak to anymore.
It's interesting you say that there were some good things about it, but also some bad things. I don't know many people who enjoyed being a bridesmaid. What was your experience as an actual bridesmaid? Like, did it send you broke?
Oh? Yeah, I mean in my early twenties, I was living in New York City and I had all of these friends from college getting married, and I didn't realize how much it actually costs to be a bridesmaid. But before you know it, you're spending four hundred dollars on a bridesmaid dress, You're going to these bachelorette parties, you're taking off work for their wedding experience. And it was fun at first, you know, the first couple of times,
you're like, this is great, I'm paying to party. That's what it felt like, right, And then after a while you were like, wow, this is like being an unpaid intern. Because as a bridesmaid, you're more than just the bride's friend. You're that person who's doing a lot of their dirty work and it feels like a job.
It really does feel like a job. And then you actually made it into a job. Can you tell me about the aha moment where you thought this could actually be a business. I could make money out of this instead of spending my own money.
You know, in my early twenties, when distant friends were asking me to be a bridesmaid, I thought to myself, Okay, if I could do this for people who I haven't spoken to in months or years, why not do this for strangers. So I posted an ad on the Internet offering my services as a hired bridesmaid for strangers. And the ad received hundreds of responses from people all over the world, even people in Australia. They were like, we need you, we want to hire you. And that's when
I realized, Okay, there's a business here. Nobody's ever tried it before, and I'm going to put myself out there and do it. And that was ten years ago.
Do you remember what the ad said, because it's a concept that I'd never heard of before I read about you.
The I basically said all of the problems that people might have with their friends. You know, I wrote it when I was in like a very heated moment. I was so pissed off that I had to go to a bunch more weddings. So I basically said like, Hey, if your friends can't do this, I will. I will dance on the dance floor with your drunk uncle. I will make sure you can pee in your wedding dress. I'll make sure that I show up on time, and there's no drama. Like all of the things that a
perfect best friend would do. I offered to do for people, and I think it resonated because the truth is not everyone has close friends, or they do have close friends, but those friends are a mess.
I know that a lot of people ask you why is there even a market for this? And I feel like anyone who asked that question has either never been a bridesmaid or never been a bride Because you said, there's two common emails that you get from people who want to hire you. What are the two different categories they fall into.
Number one are people who are honest and they're like, Jen, I'm at a point in my life where I just don't have any friends. And I know that sounds super weird, but the truth is, like we go through in life and sometimes we are filled with friends and sometimes we're not. You know, I know in parts of my life I had best friends, and then other parts of my life I felt really lonely. So there's people who are reaching
out who just don't have friends. And then the second category of people are reaching out because they have friends, but their friends are a mess, or they're busy, or they just can't rely on them. And in those cases, I'm one of multiple bridesmaids, so they already have bridesmaids and I'm just an addition to the wedding party. So
you get both camps of people. And it's interesting because you know, some people are so lucky to have six bridesmaids who have been best friends with them since middle school, but not everybody is that lucky. Most people honestly aren't.
How is it different to being a wedding planet, jin because a lot of people would say, oh, you're doing the organization, but that's what a wedding planet does. Why not just call you that?
So the truth is we do know wedding planning at all. I don't even like weddings. I'm very honest about that, Like, I don't enjoy weddings. I can't help you pick out your flowers, Like, I don't really care what venue you choose. I'm for the people problems, So I do everything a best friend would. I will sit on the phone with you for hours and listen to you vent about your wedding. I'll help you pick out your dress, I will help
you with all of the people aspects. But a wedding planner, they are so busy making sure that your wedding looks and feels exactly how you want.
You say you don't like weddings. Are you possibly in the wrong job? Jen?
You know, the interesting thing about the wedding is that's just one day of the experience. You know, when you're a bridesmaid, that's just like one tiny fraction of the whole thing. The rest of it is being there for a person, supporting a person who's going through a potentially challenging time. So it's interesting because, yeah, my job is in a wedding setting, but it's also not. It's also
just in a real life setting. And while I don't like weddings, I really like people and I like helping people, and that's what the job really goes toward.
From what I understand, it's like being the eighth jab of the wedding?
Right, Yeah, I mean you're exactly right. Anyone who's been a bridesmaid knows that there is drama. There's always going to be drama. But whose job is it to get to the drama? Who's going to manage it? The bride, the person getting married. No, that person shouldn't have to deal with everything falling apart. So yeah, it's exactly that.
What does the typical wedding experience look like for you? From the time the bride asks you to be her bridesmaid up until the day of the wedding.
Oftentimes I will do everything that the real bridesmaid will do. So we'll have our initial phone calls where we'll get to know each other. I'll go on the brill shower, the bachelorette party, I'll help with the rehearsal dinner, I'll show up for that. I'll walk down the aisle at the wedding, I'll give this speech. So really, all of those main points that a friend would do or a
bridesmaid would do, I do exactly that. There are some people who call me last minute, They're like, hey, we're getting married in two months, can you just step in and help and yeah, for sure. But then there's people who hire me a year and a half out, so it really depends. But I'll show up and do anything the person needs before and on the day of the wedding.
I want to ask about the secrecy because you know, it seems like they don't often say, Hey, this is Jen I've hired her to be my bridesmaid. How does all of that part work? Because there's a kind of shame about having to hire a bridesmaid, isn't there.
You're exactly right. You know, some people reach out and they say I want to hire you, but I want to make sure that nobody ever finds out, and I respect that. You know, they want this as a service that is completely undercover, and in most instances that's how it works. I'll have a fake name, a fake backstory for how I know the person, and I will just pretend to be part of their life from some area of their life, whether it's yoga class or grade school
or study abroad. I will just blend into their life. And sometimes they don't even tell the person that they're marrying that they hired me.
What about the other bridesmaids? How come they don't know you?
Know, when you look at a bridal party, there's people in it from all aspects of your life, So not always does everyone know each other. You know, when I was a brideessad from my real friends, I'd be a bridesmaid beside people who they met in all different parts of their life that I never knew before. So it's rare that a person's like, hey, who is this person? I never met them. That doesn't really happen, and especially in these situations.
So even the brides fiance who they're marrying their parents, this whole backstory will be concocted. You identify a part that's not represented at the wedding, can you explain a little bit about that.
Yeah, So one of the first things we'll talk about is Okay, who can I be in your life that nobody else would know. So they might say, okay, based on who I'm inviting to my wedding, nobody really knows my high school friends. I don't have anybody from that time in my life coming, so you can be a
part of that area of my life. Or they're going to say, I have a lot of people coming from my school, but I don't have anyone coming from where I live now, maybe they live in a new city or a new place, so I will pretend to be from that part of their life. So we'll figure that out so that it's not detected and it's not so obvious.
That first wedding that you did is a professional bridesmaid? What can you remember about that? Who is she? And how did it play out?
Oh? Man, you know, I was so nervous because I put this ad out. I got such a big response, and I found somebody who lived in Minnesota and she had just fired her maid of honor. Her wedding was about two months away, and her maid of honor was just being jealous and almost sabotaging the wedding, so she fired her.
And how you say she fired her, because that's actually true. I mean that's a whole other conversation, which we'll get to about how to hire and fire actual bridesmaids that you're not paying. She saw your ad and she thought, this is what I need. I'm two months out for my wedding. So then what happened.
We got to know each other and I got on an airplane the day before her wedding. I remember the airplane landed. I was the last person off the plane, I thought, what are you about to do? Like? What is this? I don't know what I'm doing? Who am I to do this? I get off the airplane, I meet her, go to the rehearsal dinner. Everything went really well. I was able to be there for her and help her with a lot of family challenges and dynamics and
just secret she had nobody to talk to about. And I remember getting back on the airplane thinking to myself, there is a business here. People need this, and while it's scary and weird and all of these things, I am going to run with it because I believe in it. I believe there's a need for it. But that wedding was terrifying, and so were the next couple of weddings after that, because weddings are not all the same and
I really wasn't sure what I was doing. So I was learning as I started the business, which was scary.
What was the story that you and that bride came up with as to who you were?
I was a friend from when she had vacationed over the summer. She used to vacation in a southern state and I pretended to meet her on vacation, so a lot of people in her life, like didn't know that she had a friend from that time in her life, and it ended up just working out. She is now divorced, which happens, and if Shavery gets married again, I hope that I could be there for her again because I did build a friends with her. What did you wear
so luckily for this wedding? She just had me wear a black dress, which is so common for a lot of these weddings. But I do have a lot of friends. My dresses, I've got like almost I don't know over fifty of them that I've had over the years.
What do you do with those dresses? And who paceful of them?
Yeah? I live in a very tiny, tiny apartment in New York City, so I have them in garbage bags or I have given them away, I've donated them, I've lent them to friends. I wish I had a closet to display them, but that's not realistic.
Here behind glass or something like somebody the cause. How did you know what to charge, Jen, because it's a job that no one had ever heard of before you essentially made it up. How did you decide how much money to charge?
I remember back then I did my first live television interview. I believe it was for an Australian TV station. Actually, this is like right after I posted the ad and they said to me, They're like, how much is this? And I said, oh, it's free. I honestly in my head, was like, this should be a free service.
I didn't.
Yes, if you look back at that interview, I said that because I didn't know. I didn't have business experience, and I wanted to do this to help people. So after that I realized, okay, it's not free. And basically I just figured out pricing over the years based on how much value I felt like I was giving, and my pricing was changed over the years. I figured it out based on, Okay, how many hours am I putting into this, how much value am I putting into this?
And I sort of comparing it to other vendors in the wedding space as well. So if you are starting a business, pricing is one of the hardest things to figure out, but it's okay because you can change your pricing over the years or even every day if you want. And that's sort of what I did.
Do you remember how much you charged for that first wedding and what she actually got for the money.
I definitely feel like it was under one thousand dollars, and for that wedding, I did multiple phone calls with her before the wedding. I was there for the rehearsal dinner. I was there for the whole wedding, meaning like the morning of until midnight, probably a little bit on that Sunday as well. So I probably gave her maybe like thirty plus hours of work and charged under one thousand dollars for that wedding.
What do you charge now? I know now you've got a whole business and you have packages. What are some of the different packages and how much do they cost?
So for a bride specifically or people getting married, I have the higher bridesmaid package which will start around twenty five hundred US dollars. I also have it behind the scenes day of Coordination package for a person who doesn't want a bridesmaid, they just want that help, and that starts around two thousand dollars. We also have different made of honors, speech writing, vale writing, best man writing tools and those start at around thirty five dollars where we'll
write your speech for you. So there's a range of different services that we offer at different price points, and that's something that I've tried to grow and do is have different price points that can meet different budgets, so people who want in person help versus virtual help, having
different price points to be more inclusive of people. Because weddings are stupidly expensive, and while this is a business, I don't want to harp on the fact that people can pay so much money during the wedding process.
More of my conversation with professional bridesmaid Jen Glance, who it turns out, considers herself an introvit after the show break. Are you a very social person? Jen? You seem like very extroverted and confident and friendly, because one of the hardest parts of weddings, even if you know people right I'm you're legitimate, is the small talk and the intensity of it all, and it can go on for hours and hours. How do you manage that part of it, the social part.
It's funny that you ask that, because in my real life, I'm very shy, I'm introverted. I think I'm very socially awkward. I'm like always so nervous in my real life, but when I'm on the job, I am a different person. I am shaking hands, I am hugging people, I am life with the party, I am big personality. And I think it's because like not necessarily acting, but you're putting
on like this new persona. I'm not Jen Glands. I'm whoever this person wants me to be, and it's a different person because it's so funny, like in my real life, my friends who know me are like, this is just like not really who you are, and it's true. So I feel like I've lived a double life and I am multiple people because I'm not necessarily naturally confident or extroverted.
After that first wedding, did things just keep flooding in in terms of was it a slow build? Were you inundated? I know there was one weekend where you were hired for back to back weddings in one weekend in two different states. How did you manage the influx? And tell me about that weekend?
Yeah, so, you know, after that first wedding, I built a website and I just put myself out there on the internet a lot. I got so many requests because there was nobody else doing this, so I was getting a lot of requests and for many years, I worked multiple weddings a weekend. So there were some weekends where I had two or three weddings, they were in different states.
I barely would make it to the next wedding. I mean there was one weekend where I had to travel to a different state via train to get to the second wedding. And I'm on the train and the train stops and the train catches on fire, and it's okay, Like the fire's okay, but they're not moving the train along, and I'm just looking at my watch and I'm like, Okay, if I got into a car or a taxi, I still wouldn't make it there on time. I ended up
making it to the wedding. I got there like maybe five minutes before walking down the aisle, and it was just so stressful and I had so many close call moments like that. Travel is like so unpredictable. And that's when I realized, like, I can't do these back to back ones because you might let somebody down.
Tell me about your rules, the rules that you have at weddings for what you do and how you behave.
So I never drink. I'm not a big drinker anyway, in my real life, but I never would drink on the job, just because to me, it's my real job, my full time job, and I just feel like it's not appropriate to drink when someone's hiring you to do a job like that, So I don't drink. I'm married now, but back in the day, I was single at these weddings, and I also had a rule of maybe not really flirting too much with potential suitors, just because that's not
what I was really there for. So I have rules like that, And over the years, in terms of working with clients, I've had to have more bounce boundaries because I would have people call me and text me at three am and expect responses. So as a business owner, I've also had to figure out rules around that too.
How do you do that? Because brides are not known for their calm head and ability to maintain boundaries.
Yeah, and I have been fired before because I've had clients who are like, why didn't you respond at two thirty three am? And I'm like, wait a second, Like I'm not getting paid enough for that, you know. So I've had to learn that when you're working with somebody, especially in a job where it blurs the lines between job and friendship. You have to be very clear upfront.
So I will lay everything out up front and say, here is exactly what this relationship is, and here's the boundaries, and I'll refer back to that if boundaries start to get crossed. But when it's not laid out upfront, that's when things get really messy and people get upset because they're expecting things that you didn't realize they were expecting.
You mentioned after hours. Can you give me some other examples, because again you've had to make this up as you go along, right, So what are some of the boundaries that you realized were being crossed earlier on when you started the business.
I had somebody fire me because she mistook the role as also being her personal assistant. So I mean she was asking me to do things that were like completely not part of the job. Whether it was like can I make her a dentists appointment? And can I like reconcile her bank accounts and like do all the things like a personal assistant would do. And I had to be like no. And I remember that was like for one of the first people who had fired me, and
I was so upset about it. But I was like you know what, like, if I were to just do all these things for all these people, I'd be burnt out, I wouldn't be making any money, and it just wouldn't be fun anymore. So there was instances like that where people hired me, but then also thought I was like all these different things in their life that I just wasn't.
You're married now and I know you've got a child. Congratulations, thank you. Weddings are notorious for hook ups, right, particularly in the bridal body. How have you managed that? Have you been in some tricky situations or have you ever met anyone at a wedding that you were working at?
You know, I kept a big wall up at these weddings, especially when I was single. So I always had this wall up, I'm here to work. I'll be nice, but I'll stop anything before it got to that flirty line. So I made sure that didn't happen. But of course it was happening around me, and I saw many people meet people at weddings and things like that, but I just really tried to make it very clear that I'm here for work and that's it.
Have there been any times when you've had to turn a job down before it even started.
I've had to turn down a lot of work, especially when people reach out for the wrong reason. So I've had people reach out and say, Hey, I want to hire a bridesmad who looks a certain way and who has a certain personality. So if people come to me and ask for things like that, I'll turn them down.
Wait, tell me about the looking a certain way.
Yeah. I will have people who will be like, we want somebody who's five seven and who has brown and things like that, And in those instances I have to just say, like, this is not a modeling place. We don't do that. So people who reach out and they want a stand in bridesmaid, they want somebody who just can be like, there's six bridesmaid. We don't do that. So that kind of work just never felt right and never felt like it was part of the purpose. So I've always turned out work like that.
What have you learned about relationships and about the marriages that are going to make it and the marriages that don't by doing your job?
I feel like I've learned too much that it has affected my view of everything. I think I learned that you can never be so sure that you are marrying the right person, because people change, Things happen, and even if you look at what you think is a perfect couple, they might not make it to the first year of marriage. Because marriage is so complicated, it's so dense. It has nothing to do with the wedding. They're two separate things. People spend so much time worrying about the wedding and
no time focusing on the marriage part. So you really never know, oh, what is going to make a relationship work or not. You're hoping for the best. I don't like this idea of like marriages forever because it just might not be. And that's also okay. So I think it's not tarnished my view of love. I think it's just made it more realistic. And I'm honest about that.
What are some of the things that you've say You've written just recently an Instagram post called I Don't Love You Anymore? Part one about a job that you did a few years ago when you were hired by a bride and her partner called Seth, Can you tell me what happened?
So, in this instance, the bride hired me and her goal was to hire me, but also to pretty much confess to me that she didn't think she was in love with this person anymore, and she didn't know what to do about it. Her wedding was coming up. She had nobody to talk to about that, because how do you tell a best friend that you're not in love anymore with the person you're about to marry. I mean, it's a hard thing to confess. So she tells me this, and you know, my job as the hired bridesmaid is
to judge you. I do not care what you end up doing. It's just to listen to you and help you process this. And throughout time, she processed it in the sense of realizing that she was not in love with this person anymore, and she wasn't sure what to do, And ultimately she did tell him. He kind of knew that she was feeling this way, and that's happened a lot. You know, I've worked many weddings where we get down to like a couple minutes before the ceremony and people
are questioning whether or not they should get married. I've had people who have hired me strictly to help them figure out how to call off their engagement. I mean, these are real things that happen in people's lives, but we don't have anyone to talk to about it, and a lot of people just don't say anything, get married and then get divorced after a year, So it's common.
You know, I'll never forget. Somebody told me once that she was walking down the aisle and as she's walking down the aisle, all she can think about is this is going to suck to have to do again. Like she just knew this was wrong. She knew it was wrong. And I think that happens quite a bit.
That's so interesting. Have you ever been involved in a wedding where it was called off on the day or does that just happen in movies.
I've never had it called off on the day, but I have had somebody threatened to call it off on the day. Ultimately, you know, once everyone's seated and there, they go through with it. But yeah, you know, that's a tough one because it's harder to do it in that moment. You might feel that, but usually people will just not sign the wedding license and just go with the party and fake the party.
Oh that's so interesting, and then quietly go those separate ways.
Yeah, because like I think, people forget to be married. All you have to do. You don't need a wedding, you don't need anything. You need to just sign a legal document, right, And usually there's a witness who watches you do that, but your entire wedding doesn't see you do that. So a lot of people actually don't sign the wedding license. And honestly, like there's some people who even have weddings and never sign the license, like they're
actually not married. They just pretend they are. And that's for so many different reasons, whether it's just like how they want to divide up their assets or whatever it is is. But we don't ever watch people sign the wedding license. We don't see that.
That's so interesting. Do you often have to have interventions with brides. Other brides might confess to you, Hey, you've got to talk to her.
Oh yeah, you know. I think people will see me as the professional bridesmaid, whether or not. They know I'm hired, they know that I'm reliable, I'm always stepping up. I'm not causing drama. So if you're somebody who's not causing them, people will bring drama to you. So I have everybody from the other bridesmaids to the mother of the bride or the groom, or even the person they're marrying coming to me telling me things, asking for help, or asking
for intervention. I'll have to decide whether or not this is worthy of bringing to the bride or just squashing, because yeah, it's very delicate. You know, you don't want to overwhelm that person being married with drama in the moment.
Things with family the most common dramas that you say, or is it friends.
I think it's a combination of both or either. You know, parents are rough, They think that this is for them, They think that this is all about them. Oftentimes parents will do things behind the couple's back, whether it's invite people they don't tell the couple they invited them and then a group of people show up, or they'll just sabotage the wedding without realizing it. In terms of friends, like your friends are people, they're humans, and sometimes you
can't control them in the way that you want. So they get a little too drunk, or they say the wrong thing, or they argue with somebody, or they don't buy the dress on time. So you're dealing with just so many variables in the wedding world. And there's just bound to be drama. I have rarely been to a wedding when there wasn't any drama.
Can you think of some that have stood out particularly for you?
You know, I think some of the ones that were more drama free. One of my favorite ones early on in my experience a couple from Australia. They were getting married in New York City in Times Square and they hired me as their only bridesmaid. It was such a beautiful experience because these were two people who had never been to New York City before. They wanted to get married in Time Square, and they didn't really know what
to do or how to make it special. And it was one of the best experiences of my life just because I was new at this. It was so beautiful. We had such a good time. We've kept in touch over the years, and it just reminded me of like how perfect weddings can be if they are small and intimate and without all of the you know, drama around it. So moments like that are super special because they're doing it for a certain reason and it's not for a show.
Jen, you know, I'm going to ask you about some of the worst I have to know.
There's a lot, you know, I think some of the tough ones are you know, I've had like mothers of the bride screaming at me or blaming me for things that have gone wrong. The cold feet is always really hard because the person wants to back out. I remember, you know, I did a New Year's Eve wedding years ago, and right before the bride walked down the aisle, she just started like hysterically crying because she didn't want to
do it, she didn't want to get married. And her mom had her hand on the bride's back, like pushing her down the aisle. And that's like sort of tough to see because if it was a movie, somebody would stop it. But it's not. It's a real life. In real life, we don't always know what to do in those situations.
My favorite weddings are the ones where something goes a bit wrong, because weddings where everything is perfect are quite boring. But everyone remembers the weddings when something goes a bit wrong, right, What are some of those that you've been through?
Oh god, it's so true. I worked a wedding and outdoor wedding in the summer, and there was like a little bit of a tent, but not really. It happened to rain, and the rain put so much pressure on the tent that the tent collapsed and like a pile of rain just also collapsed, so everyone got soaked. They were moving the cake onto the dance floor and they dropped the cake, so there was cake everywhere. It was just like one of those like nightmare weddings where everything
went wrong and you couldn't save it. I mean, there was just nothing you could do. So yeah, I mean you're right. Like, even from a personal standpoint, when my husband and I go to weddings, the ones that we recall over the years are the ones whe are like something was bad or wasn't good or you know, those are the ones that we still talk about. So if you are getting married and something wrong happens, just know people are going to relive it and they're going to
laugh about it and they'll be memorable. You know, people are not going to judge you for these things that go wrong. They're going to turn it into a little joke.
Yeah, they're the ones that people remember, not the ones that go off without a hitge. You say after the wedding that one of three things happened with the bride and you, because I imagine you've been through a relationship forge by fire, the intensity of them getting married. What are the ways that it ends? Do you stay in touch? Do you not?
Sometimes we will stay in touch, you know, early on in my experience, I've made friendships out of a lot of the people I was working with because I was so new at this and it was so interesting. But either we'll stay friends, we'll never talk again, or one person will want to be friends and the other won't. But at this point in the journey, I'm rarely friends with the people anymore, just because life is so different and it's you know, I I've done it for so long.
But early on I did stay friends with a lot of people, or at least in touch with them. I mean, I still stay in touch with a lot of people. I have a couple I worked a wedding for it, probably like nine years ago, and we still LinkedIn message like a couple times a year, catching up. So I stay in touch with some of them, but I don't necessarily think that we're friends.
After the short break. You'll hear what happens when a professional bride's maid becomes a bride, You're not gonna believe what she did after the break Jen, How have phones changed weddings? I've heard you say that one of the tips that you give brides is to not have their phone with them on their wedding day. No one needs a bride with a phone.
I mean, I think that phones have made weddings worse in the sense of like number one, that puts so much pressure on you. One of the biggest jobs right now in the wedding industry is hiring someone to do social media for you, so they'll come to your wedding, they'll film reels, they'll film TikTok videos, whatever you want. I love that, but I think if you're the person getting married, the more time that you spend on your phone takes you away from wedding. And weddings aren't all day.
They're capped at a certain amount of hours, so you don't want the phone to be a distraction for you on a special day in your life.
How did you decide to turn it into a business and how have you done that?
You know over the years, when I started to get booked for multiple weddings a weekend, I realized I can't do this. And then as I started getting so busy, I realized I need to hire help. So over the years I've had over one hundred thousand people applied to work for me for the business, which is a lot and I cannot hire most of them. But over the years I have hired people. I have outsourced the work
to people. I have a training course where I can teach people how to start their own business just like this. And I've also scaled virtually as well. With you know, we have a native honor in Bestman in val writing speech tool that we have virtually so different types of products and services that don't require me to be there in person have helped the business. Because if you're a one person business, you're going to get burnt out. It's
really hard to double or triple your income. You have to think of other income streams and that's something that I have tried to do over the years.
Jen tell me about your own wedding.
Our wedding was a disaster, but beautiful. And then when I say that is because we got engaged in twenty nineteen and I thought to myself, changers have let me into their wedding, I should let strangers into my wedding. So I did this thing called Finally the Bride, where strangers would vote on my wedding, and they planned the whole wedding for me, where I was going to get married, what I was going to wear, every single aspect of it.
We send out Save the dates for this wedding in March of twenty twenty, and then COVID happened, so we had to cancel this whole wedding, which would have been interesting, I guess, but we canceled the whole thing, and we ultimately decided to just elope. We eloped outside of the coffee shop where we had our first date, and we did it five years to the day of our first date. So we just decided, you know what, it was COVID, and we said we're going to get married. We did
it outside the coffee shop. We had about five people there. We zoomed everybody else and that was it. I never thought that's what I wanted, but it was so beautiful and so perfect, especially someone like me who just struggled figuring out what that could look like for them.
Can you just go back to the part where you crowdsourced every decision I heard that you even got people to vote on the budget, Like, how did you do that? And what did people decide for your wedding? Ultimately, what was the crowdsourcing result?
You know, I had them to side on everything. But of course I made the options things I would be comfortable with, you know, So for like the budget, I wasn't like one million dollars like. I did things that I could really pull off. And you know, even for like the dresses, I gave options and I knew what I wanted, and of course it never won because I wanted more obscure things like I wanted just to have pizza at the wedding, and I wanted to wear a
sequin and like all this stuff. But I was okay with ultimately whatever was going to be chosen for me because I had been to so many weddings. I didn't want a wedding. I didn't really care, and this was my way of just involving everybody else into my experience. So I had surrendered to, I don't care if you make me wear a clown suit. I don't care if I'm getting married skydiving, Like, whatever you want, I will do.
And I honestly surrendered to that and luckily they planned something that was a bit more traditional, but COVID happened and it was all scrapped. We sent out to save the dates, and then a month later we sent out cancelations because it just didn't seem like COVID was going to end.
Do you still do the work now? Do you still bridesmaid for people? And how are you secret? Because you've done all this press, You've got social you've got a whole business, You've written books.
Yeah, I still do it. I've got a bunch of weddings books this year, next year. You'd be surprised. I mean, I don't think like people would see me at a wedding and go, I know you, you're the bridesmaid girl. That's honestly never really happened. I think, if anything, people might see me and go, wow, you know you look really familiar. What do I know you from? So I still do it. If people reach out and they say, I want to hire you, but I don't want you.
I have other people who can work the weddings for me instead of me actually going what's.
Your favorite aspect of it and what's your least favorite aspect.
I love getting to know the people, because I find people so fascinating. If you ask people a series of the right questions, you learn about a side of them that maybe nobody else knows. And I think people are so dynamic. I think people are frightening but beautiful, and I love getting to know these sides of people. I just love it so much. So my favorite part is building that genuine connection with people, is breaking down that wall of stranger to stranger and just really understanding them.
I'd say my least favorite part is the actual wedding, you know, like, I think the whole thing is just like I don't know why people are doing it this way still, Like why they're wearing the white dress, why they're doing this, Like all that stuff is so weird to me. So I hope to inspire more people to just do whatever you want ditcheny traditions that don't make sense and have a good time because hopefully it's the only time you're going to do it, so you might as well do it your way.
And just finally, for people who are actual bridesmaids, the unpied kind, it's a really hot job. What is your advice and is there a way to say say no if someone asks you to be a bridesmaid.
Yeah, you know. I think the whole process of being asked to be a bridesmaid is so flawed. Like, stop asking people to be bridesmaids. Instead, go to them and say, hey, I would love for you to be involved in my wedding. Here's what I'm thinking. If you can't do this or it doesn't really make sense for you right now, I
still love you and I still want to include you. Basically, like, not give them an out, but just make it very clear what you expect of them, and then say, hey, if this isn't right for you right now, it's all good. I love you. I still want you to be there and be a part of it. So don't make it like this giant proposal where people feel forced to say yes. I think that's so flawed. If you are a bridesmaid and you want to be a good bridesmaid, just be a good friend. Check in on that person. Offer to
help in the ways that you're good at. You know, if you're a good writer, offer to help them with their vows. If you're good at organizing, offer to help them with that, Like show up in the way that your skills present. And also be very upfront about what you have going on in life. You know, say hey, I would love to be a bridesmaid. Also, right now, I'm pregnant. Right now, I've just lost my job. So there might be some hiccups along the way, but I promise to be there for you and however I can
throughout this process. So a mix of honesty, a mix of showing up like a good friend would, and just a mix of being upfront with the person and not taking offense if they say hey, I want more from you, that's it, you know. So I think the role of being a bridesmaid will change over the years, and I think that's good. I think it'll be less formal and
more just informal. How do you mean people are saying, hey, I don't I'm not going to have bridesmaids, but I still want you to be involved, you know, I still want you to come to this and come to that, and you know, at the wedding, maybe like read a speech or something, but you're not called a bridesmaid and you're not wearing a bridesmaids dress. You know, I'm going to my one of my best friend's weddings in September and I would have been her maid of honor, you know.
But she's not doing any of that. She's like, I just want you all to show up, get ready with me, have a good time, and that's it. No walking down the aisle, none of this extra stuff. That's what it's going to be more of is picking people who you love and the door and having them be involved in multiple different ways, but not with this like strict structured approach.
You have a baby now, your little girl, But you wrote honestly about your fear of becoming a mom, and you found it an online community called Scared to be a Mom? Can you just tell me a little bit about that?
Yeah, you know, I was so scared to become a mom?
Why why were you?
I didn't think I was. I still don't think i'm qualified. You know. I really struggled with the idea of what it was going to be like and how I was going to do everything, and what life was going to be like when it wasn't just the gen show of focusing on being an entrepreneur and doing all these things. I just couldn't wrap my head around what being a mom would be like. It was terrifying. Plus the art
of giving birth just terrified me. I don't know how people did it, Like I just I would look at moms and think to myself, like, how did you do it? And why aren't you talking about that? Like it just freaked me out. And then once it happened, I realized, Okay, you know, it is sort of true that you know parts of this you forget. You forget a lot of the birth trauma, forget a lot of the early days. But I still find it to be very, very hard
to be a mom. I think it's just crazy what women go through and don't talk about and are forced to suppress and hide. And I struggle with that because I'm a very honest person. If you get me talking, I will just tell you every honest thing in the world. And a lot of people are weirded out by that and offended by that. And that's something that I'm just learning about now in this mom world, is like, you're not supposed to complain, You're not supposed to be honest.
You're supposed to say everything is great, and I love it. So I tried to start this community to have a safe space to talk about that.
I think you should expand your business. His' me giving you business advice. Want to tell me to another you're so lovely to talk to. When you think about what a bride'smaid does, it's like a friend with benefits in a way, isn't it. I mean not those kind of benefits, but it's a friend who is really giving you extra support in a period of your life. And there are lots of times when women need that. Becoming a mother
there is one. Being sick is another. Maybe if someone's been diagnosed with an illness or they're going through a mental health I mean, I know you're not a counselor, but there's a real role for a friend, a close female friend, in those times of transition in a woman's life.
Yeah. I love that and I have thought about that, you know, especially in this mom world of like who do you talk to? Who do you go to? Especially for that honest, unbiased approach. You know, a lot of my friends, when I tell them how you feel, they're like, you'll be okay, you'll get through it, And I'm like, no, no, no, I just want you to like tell me it sucks, you know, like I don't want you to be my
friend right now. I think that's amazing and That's so true, because there is more than just the bride's made aspect of being a woman or just being a person.
Yeah, it's like taking that service that you provide and providing it at different pivotal times in a woman's life. Anyway, would love it if you did that. Yeah, how good's Jen? How good is that story? A professional bridesmaid? What an interesting business idea. I don't think there is anything like that here, and maybe there should be, because she's actually
a lady startup. She's a female entrepreneur who saw a gap in the market, established that there was a market in that gap, and started her own business for something that she thought was required. I thought it was so clever. That's what I did with Mama Mia really and my bloody love stories like that. As you heard, I could
not help but give her some business advice. But I think what I'll take away from this conversation the most, the thing that I will probably say to the women in my life when they're getting married, is that the wedding is not the marriage. You can have the best wedding ever, and the marriage may not last, or everything can go wrong at your wedding, which it did with mine. I hated my wedding and it doesn't do me your marriage.
My friend who was an amazing bride, she was my bride's maid, and I made her pretty much organized my wedding because I was so disinterested in it. And she loves weddings so much that she once talked about having a wedding organizing business, like becoming a wedding planner. But she said the only problem with that is the brides because they would have opinions and she didn't want their opinions. So she decided she if she did it, she would
call her business Your Day, My Way. I would have paid her to organize my wedding, in fact, she did, but I didn't have to pay her. Do you know what I did? Send out my wedding invitations in like you know you like, yellow business envelopes. I stole them from my office where I worked at the time, and she was so horrified we almost broke up as friends. She couldn't believe that I would do something so awful.
That's the difference between her and me. Along with her bridesmaid for high Business, Jen Glance has written a few very entertaining books and has a lot of other cool things going on, So the best way to connect with her work is through her website and her socials, which
we will link to in the show notes. The executive producer of this episode is Naima Brown, with audio production by Leah Porchius and I am mea Friedman and I have no not been asked to be a bridesmaid since my two disastrous efforts, I wonder why tell us your stories about being a bridesmaid. You can follow us on Instagram. One more thing before I do go? Did you know that we have over five hundred episodes of No Filter? I have No Filter? Can you tell? If you want
more content? More interviews about relationships and love, check out my interview with Esther Perell. I'm obsessed with her, and not only because she has the most glorious accent you've ever heard. She knows everything about love and relationships and why an affair doesn't have to be the end of your relationship. There is much more in our archive for you. We will link to the Esther Peerrell interview in the show notes. Go have a look, tell us what you think. Do it now? Love you Bye,