#1635 - Freestyle Friday - Why Do We Have To Feel Pain Before We Change?

We don't have a title for it because I don't know what it's gonna be yet . It's gonna be based on our conversation right now and we're just gonna kind of see what happens . You and I were talking right before the sound .

We were talking about how you and I both wish that we could change without pain , faster , without pain , and I was on a podcast the other day and I was talking about how . One of the questions was what is the one of the one of the lessons you've learned from doing as many episodes as you have ? And I said everybody has adversity .

Even the people who don't think they have adversity . That's usually their adversity . I had someone say to me one time I feel guilty . I Feel guilty struggling because my childhood was sunshine or rainbows compared to yours , and I said I understand that .

I understand what you're saying , but , with all due respect , that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard and I , I , I didn't meant it with in a loving way of like dude , you should be grateful , be very grateful for the childhood you had . That's amazing .

But Just understand that sometimes the lack of adversity is actually adversity , because now you're thinking , well , I didn't have to grind it out and I didn't have to . I didn't have to have thick skin or whatever it is , I didn't have to go without , whatever it may be . So I'm not , I'm not lessening it . Trust me , if you had a great childhood , awesome .

If you are guilty about that , that's something to work through . So I'm not , I'm not lessening that . But before this episode we were talking about how we wish you could change without pain and how I just don't think that's ever really a thing . Yeah , and If it was a thing , you'd never really

it . What a weird life it would be if one bad thing happened to you and then you just change your life forever and then nothing else ever went wrong , ever . Yeah it's almost like you'd never . How would you learn lessons that way ? I don't know if you could ever learn lessons that way .

Some of the most powerful lessons I've ever learned are based on moments that I wish I didn't have . Same , and I just think that's kind of the way . That's kind of the way it's set up .

I think the universe , the worlds , everything , success , fulfillment , all that is just set up in a weird way where it's usually If you want something you don't have , there's usually some sort of toll you have to pay . Is that toll pain ? I'm not saying that . Is that toll resistance ? I'm not necessarily saying that .

It's probably something that you don't necessarily want . It's probably something that you go to us , you go to a restaurant and you get the meal you want and it comes with some sort of side dish that you don't like . Well , I really want this , but is there any way I can get it without that ? Well , no , that's . I mean , that's kind of how we make it .

We make it with these vegetables . Do you want or not ? Yeah , I'll have it . I'll just eat around the vegetables . I think that's kind of how success is . Some things are gonna come with it that you don't want .

Unfortunately , it's just up to you to decide how much of those things you don't want , how much of those you're you're willing to put up with and Kind of go from there . That's very much the , I think the frame I've been in based on All the stuff that we have going on .

A lot of that it comes with Things that you don't necessarily want , but I think those things , as long as they're constructive , are good for you . I think positive pressure is important and I don't know if you can change without it . So I would say , lean into it if you can .

Huh , so , and everything is like that , by the way , you know , I found my dream partner , emilia , over the moon beyond my wildest dreams , quite frankly and she's the hardest working person I've said that many times in the show that I've ever met and sometimes that can be challenging in ways I never expected , but here's the key it's better than the alternative .

Emilia will always say I'm so thankful that you're so grateful for me . And I always say it's because I know what the opposite is . I had a relationship that was just so not good In comparison . And here's the the philosophical question if I didn't , would I appreciate Emilia as much ?

But when Emilia is working late or we have a ton to get done on a Sunday when I just want to relax , I remember that . I Remember being in a relationship where the other person didn't want to get anything done and I felt like we were going nowhere fast and that's not fulfilling . Everyone has to find their own sort of Level of adversity . There's two .

I talked about this recently on the podcast . There's two types of adversity . There's the adversity that life throws at you . That's a lot of childhood , because childhood you didn't choose where you grew up . You didn't choose your parents . You didn't choose what town you were born in . You didn't choose what country would you were born in .

You didn't choose your culture , your ethnicity or your , your genetic background . You didn't choose your , your genetics . All that stuff was pre determined . But when you're born now you start making choices and eventually you become an adult . And when you're an adult you really start making choices and you have to remember that the two types of adversity .

The first one is life throws a lot at you and then you choose how to respond to it . But the second type of adversity is the adversity from climbing tall mountains . The second type of type of adversity is the adversity that comes from choosing in advance to do something great . A Lot of people want to be a mother .

Think about the level of adversity that comes with that . One dream Can any of us even imagine , unless we're mothers ? You try to imagine nine months , bodies completely different . At least nine months

Depending , and then after that , sleepless nights , and Then after that , right so , but it's awesome to have that dream . What are you gonna do ? Not have kids , and that's an option to . By the way , for anyone who doesn't want to have kids , that's an option to the road up the road .

I just think there's something freeing about that having a kid . I think there's a duality , I think there's the . This is my dream and this is what I wanted , and I know what the opposite is , which is settling for less than my dreams , but this still kind of sucks . I just feel like that's I have Home .

Now I've achieved so many my dreams , the relationship of

my dreams . We have adorable pets , but there was a time when we got our third pet , tiger Lily , when I was like this is the worst , this is ridiculous . It wasn't that bad . I know I'm probably being dramatic , but it felt like terrible , honestly .

And I had this one tea kettle moment I called a tea kettle moment where I just like nah , I just it's like the pressure cooker and you just move the little thing .

Yeah , it's , yeah , you know , but it up and I was like I knew this was gonna happen , right , I had one of those , but I wasn't at anyone , it wasn't at Emilia , it was just like in the house . Can knew this was gonna happen , right , and what is this right ? What is this ?

This is , I'm massively interrupted throughout every one of my mornings because we have , you know , I , three pets that are sometimes obnoxious , and , again , I know that's nothing compared to children .

Here's my point it is impossible to live a fulfilling life without adversity , and I think that it's impossible to grow without adversity , and so adversities get thrown at us and Adversities come . Actually , bigger adversities come when you set big goals . But the alternative and this is what gets me through is the alternative is worse .

Some people think life is supposed to be easy , and when it's hard , they think something's wrong . I think life is supposed to be fairly terrible , and when it's not terrible , I think that's awesome . And I know I'm playful with that , but I'm not kidding . Life is not supposed to be Butterflies and rainbows it . It genuinely isn't .

We're hunters and gatherers , were 200,000 year old brains . We have a lot of technologies and comforts , particularly in certain countries , but at the end of the day , we used to have to hunt and gather our food . Now we can like , click and have something delivered to our door it's . I just like to keep that perspective . I love to keep the perspective of All .

Of this is awesome . I have a 30-second commute . I'm talking to Kevin through the internet , through the waves , the waves the world through the world through technologies and yes , our adversities are tough . Yes , 14-hour days are tough .

Yes , we have challenges and problems , like everyone , but it's much better than the alternative , which is sitting on the couch feeling sorry for yourself , doing a whole lot of nothing , not growing , not learning , not striving . I choose striving , I always have and I always will , and I am convinced that the human Condition is unfulfilling without some striving .

Everyone has a different level of striving , everyone has a different type of striving , everyone has unique striving , but I do believe that striving , not arriving , is actually where fulfillment and growth and contribution is , and I do believe that that's why a lot of people who retire early end up really miserable . You can hear these people's stories .

There's interviews where people talk about how , after I retired or after that person retired , they really went downhill . There's only two ways to keep your mind and your body sharp and strong , and that's to climb .

You heard something , you learned something , you read something , you discovered something that made you Quit . I don't want to say question everything , but it was wow , interesting . I never really thought of that

.

The shortest version of it is inside out the Pixar movie and how there's emotions and there's disgust and sadness and Joy and all these different emotions . Very cool movie , very important . Very hyper conscious movie . Hyper conscious . And there's a second one coming out , by the way , which I'm pumped about .

But the point is is that there's a part of me that actually Does like pain , and that is the sicko part that you're referring to . But that's not all of me . There's another part of me that I refer to as little Alan , that doesn't like pain at all and Kind of gets mad at that other part when I never get to watch movies and eat snacks .

And so that would be the answer . What about you ? I ?

But it was a riddle where , if so , say there is , how does it go ? There's a hundred prisoners and there's this room that has a hundred boxes and each box has a number in it and the in the room Holds every box and it goes from one to a hundred . So , open a box , it has the number one . You open another is two , so forth , so on .

The way the riddle is set up is if you , if the prisoners all go into the room and they're all able to locate their number Without talking about it , they can't talk about it . You get 50 shots . You can open 50 boxes and you have to find your number . You can open 50 boxes and you have to find your number .

If all the prisoners get their number , they're all released . If 99 out of 100 get their number but one doesn't , they all get executed .

And the riddle was what's the best strategy for them to do it . And I was thinking like I don't know every other box , every third box , every fourth box , and what they found , and again , who is they I don't know is you open the box that has your number ? So let's just say I'm number nine , prisoner .

I go to the number nine box and I open it and it's number 47 . I go open box number 47 . And then in 47 box it has the number 12 . I go to box 12 .

They said statistically that was the best way to do it , because the numbers create a cycle and a cycle has to have an open and a close and if the cycle is less than 50 numbers , every person would get their number , which the chances of that are like 66% right ,

Something like that .

Then the thing that really blew my mind is they said this would be the same strategy if there was a thousand boxes , if there was 10,000 boxes , if there was a million boxes , if there was a billion boxes , but the percentage of non-death in this case would be lower and lower and lower and lower . Three less than you think , Percentage like 0.1 , 0.2 .

Really , Because you get to open . If there's a thousand , you get to open 500 boxes .

Because I don't know what you're talking about .

I am on the prowl for resources to help me understand the mathematical ratios formula for successful businesses , for example , understanding the principles between budgets , economies of scale , growth To revenue ratios , and wondering if these , if there are principles that are applied to the most successful businesses in history From a formulaic standpoint that I could take into

consideration as I rebuild , evolve . So that was the question . What she's asking for is what would I recommend ? Detailed question . Yeah yeah , she's amazing . I said my so . This is my response .

My truth is that until you read the , until you read and thoroughly understand all of the principles in the Jim Collins books , then that's the best resources to build a company .

Otherwise , it's more a matter of studying systems thinking , game theory , strategic decision-making , constraint theory , chaos theory and all of those meta sciences , and then amalgamating them into Growing and scaling your business . The problem is that a lot of what most people are teaching is either outdated or just flat out wrong .

I'd much rather you study first principles like game theory or formulaic decision-making rather than any fundamental business book , except for Jim Collins works .

Those , I do believe , are rooted in universal truths that do still apply almost 100% in the 21st century and across all industries , with a few nuance differences , of course , since selling personal growth is like Is like clawing out your own eyes . I'm being playful , but the truth of the matter isn't for our listeners . Why did I bring all that up ?

These , these fundamental truths you can study , and that's really what science is . Science is that thing that you just mentioned paradoxes , which is the best , best thing ever . I sent Emilia all of the videos that you sent me and for the listeners . A paradox is a duality . It's a if I focus on fulfillment , success will come . It's a paradox .

So , for example , when you and Taryn met , you were on your mission . You didn't know you were , but you were Fair . If you focused on relationships , that might not have worked versus your relationship being a byproduct of your own pursuit of fulfillment . That's a pair .

hair , could he be the barber ? It's paradox . Yeah , no , no , because he couldn't cut his own hair , but he also cuts his own hair , cuts his own hair . So how ? How would that ever ?

This is a weird one , kev , I'll go quick with it . Okay , it's a weird one . But when you're making love and you focus on trying to come for females okay , I know , I know , for females it's it's less likely to happen .

It's a paradox , whereas if you actually focused on Making love and giving to your other partner , being in the moment and being present , it's more likely to happen . So I think a lot of life comes down to paradoxes that we don't understand and we wonder why we're unfulfilled and unsuccessful . So that's all I have . I know that was a interesting example .

I just didn't see .

It's just a bit of a surprise , that is , I've been reading a book , listening to a book . It is called come together by Emily Nagoski . Emily Nagoski wrote Come as you are great , great books if you're in a relationship . The tower and I are reading it together right now as we speak .

It's a wonderful book , all about intimacy and Accelerators and breaks , and just it's awesome . It's a really good book . So I would , I would recommend that , and that's one of the things that Emily talks about yes , I , yeah , yes , paradox we can make it . It's a paradox I still like the barber cutting his own hair , but you , I .

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