#1596 - The #1 Thing We Wish We Knew About Relationships Sooner

We're getting towards the end of January here , so we wanted to do a check-in on how January went today for episode number one thousand five hundred and ninety six . The number one thing we wish we knew about relationships sooner . I Always used to hear People say yeah , we never fight , we never argue , it's everything's perfect , we just get along .

We do want to do the same stuff , everything's perfect . And I remember thinking I don't think so , I don't think so , I don't think that's real . I don't believe that for a second now . Maybe you are To very unique unicorns and that's the way it works . I don't really know if I ever expected that for me .

I definitely expected there to be a level of conflict for lack of better freezing . So this is the number one thing I wish I knew , I wish I understood , I wish I had learned sooner . And this is just my perspective .

The person to be with is the person that you can have the most challenging discussions with , the most vulnerable conversations with the person you feel the safest , going into the depths with . That's really what I've learned , because I don't know if challenges ever go away .

I think challenges just change with the quote-unquote success journey , but also in relationships , as you spend more and more time with someone , you're gonna have more and more conversations and they're gonna be deeper . And

If you're really focused on growth which is the point of a relationship Shout out to Tori Leto for really making that point land for us . If that's what you're in the relationship for , aren't you gonna have to have a ton of challenging conversations ? When I say challenging , I don't mean arguments .

I mean things that you might you might get offended by at the ego level of no , I always do that . I always take the trash and I always blah , blah , blah , whatever it is , or having to voice your Needs when that's really challenging . But you trust the person that you're doing it with .

I wish I knew that sooner , because now that I'm connecting the dots on past relationships and why I think this one is the most successful I've ever had , it definitely is . That's a big reason why . It's because I have really difficult conversations Probably not as often as we need to .

We need to get back into check-ins , for sure , and we've been talking about that . But even that , even saying hey , I want to do check-ins , I Don't enjoy them . They're uncomfortable at times , but the less you do them , the more uncomfortable they are . Unfortunately , that's kind of the way it works , so that would be my big lesson .

Some people , I do think , should break up if they're incompatible . But we use the Jenga Tower as an analogy and so if you've ever played Jenga , you take out these blocks and the analogy is the opposite of the point of Jenga , which is don't take the blocks out .

And so a lot of times when you don't do check-ins or you're not having those difficult conversations , these blocks are just getting taken out and eventually the tower is gonna fall , aka the relationship is gonna fall .

And that's why you know , ten years down the road , fifteen years down the road , twenty years down the road , five years down the road , however long down the road , when you avoid , avoid , avoid , you don't call out the elephants in the room , you don't look under the carpet , you don't look in the closet , you don't clean out the basement , so to speak , in your

relationship , these , these things that that go unspoken , they compound and Eventually it's like how did we get here ? Are we even in love anymore ? And I've seen that happen so many times in relationship talks , coaching

, and you can turn it around , but sometimes it's we should have been so proactive . We should have been way more proactive and I can say this with a lot of confidence , having coached couples for three years now . The couples that are the most proactive with having difficult conversations have the highest likelihood to succeed .

So if you were to say , hey , alan , you've coached couples for three years , you've studied , obviously , human behavior and psychology and relationships and you're starting to understand , starting to understand what makes relationships flourish I was not naturally good at this by any means , what would you like ? Who would you bet on ? Who's a couple you would bet on ?

And I would be able to , with high statistical probability of success , I'd be able to pick couples that I would bet on . And the couples that I would bet on definitely are people who do check-ins , people who have high humility , people who are constantly trying not to screw the relationship up , but not so paranoid that they end up not being themselves .

It's growth-oriented people who want to be better and then , most importantly and this is mine they want you to be you . They want you to be you . That's what it comes down to . I don't want you to be what I want you to be . I want you to be you . And that's an unconscious thing , because no one consciously is like , oh , I don't really want you to be .

I was in a past relationship and this person , without a question , wanted me to be what was best for her , not wanting me to be what I am , who I am .

And so , if you can out there listening or watching to this , if you can say yes , I am proactively checking in and having the tough conversations and I really genuinely , without question , want my partner to be the best , brightest version of themselves , who they aspire to be , not who I want them to be . I think you have a very high probability of success .

And the very last thing here that , before I let Kevin talk again , is essentially Kevin kind of called me out there because I often say Emile and I never fight and we have never fought . But what I need to make clear is we've had what I call challenging moments and we've definitely had challenging conversations .

When I hear fight , I think of yelling , storming out , slamming the door , hanging up on each other none of that . We've never done any of that , but you better believe we've had tough conversations that were vulnerable beyond imagination and some of the toughest conversations I've ever had , just because your heart is so scared .

Your heart is so hurt and so scared at times and you don't know if you're gonna be loved for who you are you , don't you know ? there's just really scary moments in relationships . So , even though I say we never fight and never have fought , I wanna make it very clear we've had many challenging moments .

I just think the way we handled those challenging moments thanks to her , not me I would have definitely gotten angry and or raised my voice had she not kind of called me out properly and had she not emotionally regulated . But if it wasn't for the way we handled the conflict , there's no way that we would have the magnificent relationship

that we do now . And so it's really not about not having conflict , it's not about not checking in , it's not about not having any problems . It's about how you handle those and how you grow through those and how you are kind and protect each other's heart , particularly in those tough moments .

I mean , you see that a lot with parents and I don't want to say children parents and If you're a parent and you have a child , are they children forever ?

The other thing I was going to say , because I was thinking of this , one of the reasons I reference you and I so often , anytime we're doing episodes on relationships

whether we're talking about intimate relationships , friendships , business partnerships you're the longest . You and I's relationship is the longest I've had other than me and Matt . But you and I's relationship , we talk every day , we've traveled , we do this , we have a business together .

Yeah , you know , childhood ones , don't I would say Kevin has survived the longest and honestly , it means a lot to me too , because you know , I think traditionally it's been really hard for me to sustain long term relationships . That's never felt natural or easy for me , so it means a lot .

I think she had listened to a couple of episodes and she reached out to we were talking on Instagram a little bit and she reached out with an episode of how to balance selfishness and selflessness , which now we understand drive to five better . We probably could have done a better job , but I still , to this day , joke

. It is the one time that I understood the listener better than Kevin did and we got in a very , very heated , challenging moment on the microphone of like Kev , you don't understand what she wants , and this is before I knew she was Emilia , so I apparently was very adamant for a reason .

I remember we recorded a relationship episode on the pool table in your basement , yeah , and that one never saw the light of day either , because neither of us knew what in the hell we were talking about .

He's high , okay , and that's how every good story Every good story starts and he opens the episode . Welcome back to the mother , effin hyper conscious podcast .

I think it's communication . And then we went into a very healthy discord about that . And I think that's a powerful episode because now that I've coached so many people no , but now that I've done relationship talks , coaching for three years , trust and communication are super connected .

If you don't have good communication , you're going to lose trust , and if you don't have trust , your communication is going to be super difficult . And so they're super connected . And honestly , to this day , all these years later , kev , I think those are the two most important . I do Still .

We don't have to have to discord over anything .

It was like that really is powerful , if anybody , if I'm 60 years old and somebody says , hey , what's the best relationship advice you have ?

Hopefully I remember that of all the things , because I think if I could say with my old man voice I'll probably be about four foot 11 , because I'm probably going to get shorter as time goes by , I don't have a lot to lose . But my old man voice I'll probably say you know , son , the person to be with is

the person you can have tough conversation . That's what I hope . Oh my God , oh my God .

And then she said you know what ? Mima would like to donate three Dreamliners as well . Give them to someone you can do a giveaway on the podcast . So this is what we're going to do If you leave us a review , a written review , on whatever podcast platform you're listening preferably positive .

So all we can really see I mean , we can , there's ways to do it , but usually we can only see the reviews from this country , unless we go digging and we're in the US . I know we have global listeners , so , if you want it , the first six people who leave reviews and send it over , we are going to send these off totally free .

Shout out to mom and memes for taking care of the NLU family .

The Groton Inn is a beautiful venue Mountains in the background . We've been there before . That's where Kevin gave his very first speech . That was the first time we ever spoke together . It's going to be interesting going back there all these years later as a new , upgraded version , next level version of ourselves .

There's in-person tickets , lunch is included and it is a very , very , very nice venue that has really good food , and we know that because we've done this before . Okay , the in-person event ticket is $97 , which will include also a Dreamliner . So if you come for no other reason than just to get a free Dreamliner , that's what you do .

We also are doing a virtual event . So if you are not local , okay . So the in-person is reserved for only people that are local . If you are local , please do that . If you're not local , we have a lot of global listeners . We're doing 30 people in-person , 30 people virtual . Six groups total all of 10 . So 60 people total 30 and 30 groups of 10 .

The virtual event ticket is $47 . I already talked to Kev . I've already told you this yesterday . If , for whatever reason , you come to the event and for some reason , it's not amazing and you don't like it and you think it's awful , I seriously doubt that's going to happen . We're putting all of our best stuff into this . We will give you your money back .

Okay , for the virtual ticket . So the landing page is up . The link is in the show notes . All the photos from last year are there . We have people at workshop . It's awesome . So it's going to be absolutely great . All the photos are there . Kevin and I , amy , jesse , come meet the team , come see us . We hope to see you in person .

We only get to do in person things a couple times a year and it really does mean the world to us and even if you are virtual , we want it to feel like you're there with us . Okay , it's going to be very different than listening to a podcast passively . It's going to be live . It's going to be live .

We hope you join us , learn exactly how to design and achieve the most aligned , fulfilling and successful life possible . Next level university , next level live 2024 .

Again , we are life , love , health and wealth , and I realize we don't talk about as much about money as we could , so I want to do a better job there . So we're going to try to juggle the topics a little bit better . So that's what we're going to talk about tomorrow .

As always , we love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you , and at NLU we do it out of fans . We have family and we will talk to you all tomorrow .