#1566 - What Don't You Want To Change About Yourself

Yes , we are a self-improvement podcast . We are a self-improvement company and that usually involves growing and evolving and Changing parts of you that you want to change . But I think there are for most of us . There are always gonna be , some pieces of us that we want to stay the same , so I thought we could have an open conversation about that .

This came up for me , alan , because I was thinking of . I went through a phase in In my mid-20s when I just kept thinking to myself I really need to Be more extroverted than I am .

I need to go out To bars and I need to go out to clubs and I need to go to parties and I need to go do these things that I don't necessarily want to do , and I Don't know why I felt the need to do it . I Think it was it was more important to the people around me than it was to myself , but I never really enjoyed it .

I'm at the stage now I'm 34 years old . I feel like an old man at heart and I would much rather stay in and watch a movie and order food

and be in my pajamas . I don't really want to go out and do stuff like that . I don't really like going out . I Would rather stay in than get dinner . I'd rather stay in in order Domino's than go out and get a hundred dollar dinner . I just like being home . I'm a homeboy . Is that detrimental at times ? Sure , and we're gonna kind of go into that .

But that's one of the things about me that I don't really ever want to change . I'm a simple man . I have very low , I'm very low maintenance with most things . I don't really ever want that to change . I don't . I Don't want to have to go out for entertainment . I don't want to have to get up . I get all dressed up and go out .

I like hanging out , I like being comfortable , I like being low maintenance and I don't know if that's something about me that I ever want to change . No matter what happens with the podcast success , the business success , the financial success I don't know if that's ever gonna change . Nor do I want to change .

I thought I had to be more like him to be liked and we were unconsciously kind of driving to five and I do think that was beneficial for a time but it crossed . It crossed past where it was beneficial .

You know you were dressing to the nines , you know , and and trying to be more like me and I think I was overly worried about sounding arrogant or not being liked or whatever . And I think we're now kind of swinging back to center and , at the end of the day , whatever you are , be a good one , be a great one .

And my executive admin , jerry , and , has that on her wall and I say it all the time Whatever you are , be a great one . I think it says be a good one , but be a great one . And what I wanted to talk

about on this episode I told kev before we recorded Is this idea of when you first get into personal growth , you're on the far left side of a spectrum , you're , you have a fixed mindset and when you first get into personal growth , it shifts your belief system around . You know what ? I actually can't Change this . I can improve this . I can .

I can get smarter , I can get better , I can get more intelligent , I can make better choices . I can get better habits . I can become a better version of me . And I think that people go from a fixed mindset of you're born the way you are . You're shy and you're going to always have to be shy , and that's a fixed mindset . I don't think that's empowering .

And so you , you get into personal growth . So I'll use an example of someone who used to say I'm shy , I'm shy . So this person said I was shy . She also said she wasn't intelligent . She didn't think she did well in school and she didn't think she was very smart . That's a fixed mindset . She didn't think she could do anything about it .

Fast forward , fast forward , fast forward . She found our podcast this is years and years and years ago and she started to have more of a growth mindset and she started to think okay , well , I can learn and I can grow and I can improve and I can .

I can Go talk to strangers and I can learn how to be less shy , I can learn how to be less introverted , I can put myself out there more , I can have courage , I can be vulnerable , and that's all true , and that all happened and the growth journey happened . But it it passed a point when it was constructive .

It passed a point where it was like I'm not who I want to be anymore . I don't want to grow every day , I don't want to improve every day , I don't want to do this , I want to be regular .

And this person ended up leaving our orbit and and she , you know , didn't necessarily say I want to be regular , but she didn't want to be a peak performer or a high performer or a . She didn't want to climb Mount Everest , so to speak , and that's all fine .

And so my point with this is you can go from a fixed mindset To a growth mindset and the early rewards are huge . You end up fulfilled oh my god , I can go out , I can dress up , I can be on stage , I can podcast , I can whatever , coach , ba-ba-ba . And then you reach a point where it's like you know what ?

There's certain things about me that I don't know if I even can change . I Was on a podcast earlier today and and he said , oh my god , amazing interview , he's blown away . I was grateful very good interview , just seems like a good person . And he said can you leave us with some some really valuable words ? What's the ?

What's the words you'd leave us with and I always think of well , if I could have a billboard , like what would I put on it ? The whole world would see . And I ended up saying what was true about you ten years ago , that's gonna be true ten years from now . I actually told a story about clubhouse , how you know Kevin and everyone

in my life , and Kevin less than others but we're saying we got to get on clubhouse , we got to get on clubhouse , we got to get on clubhouse . And I remember saying like no , we don't . Emilia came to me , you came to me , everyone was saying you got to get on clubhouse . And I remember thinking I don't care , I don't want to go on clubhouse . What ?

It's just a giant status . Who's got the best talking head to come up on stage ? It's just I . It's a fad . I know it is and Maybe it'll exist in ten years , but I doubt it . I don't care about clubhouse . So what I , what I used as an example is don't design your life around short-term fads , don't design your life around phases .

We , we do this with our kids . I don't have kids , but I've heard this growing up oh , this is just a phase , oh , this is just the terrible twos or the whatever sevens , or you know they're not , it's just a phase . You don't want to design your life and make long-term decisions on short-term phases .

You don't want to make long-term decisions based on short-term fads . So To bring this all full circle , yeah , there's limiting beliefs and I don't like limiting beliefs and I and there's fixed mindset , and I agree with you . You know growth mindsets the way . But there's this , this chasm that you cross into delusion .

No matter what I do , no matter how hard I work , I cannot be the strongest man on this earth . I'm not gifted in strength , I'm actually kind of weak . To be completely honest with all of you . I may look strong , I may look good . There were times when I looked way stronger than my friends and they still were so much stronger than me .

Aesthetics is a gift for me . Strength is not . Emilia is almost as strong as me and she weighs 50 pounds less . Okay , but I have long giraffe legs and I will , I can outrun . I was literally running backwards . We did a 5k together and I was running backwards for like half of it .

She said can you just go right that we have gifts and there's certain gifts you can't change and there's certain gifts you shouldn't change . No matter how hard Kevin tries to be me , he's not gonna be a better me . No matter how hard I try to be as likable as Kevin , it's not gonna happen . No chance , right , that's okay .

So , whatever you are , be a good one . Whoever you are , be a great one . And , yes , you can change and improve Certain things , and there's pros and cons . Being shy has cons and it has pros . Have you staying in ? Being a homebody has pros and cons . So you got to decide for you .

But are you ever gonna be a naturally extroverted person who wants to party all the time ? Absolutely not . That is there's no way . I've met you . I know you . No chance . I want to see Emilia . One time was the last thing I say . So what do you want to do for your birthday ? This is years ago and I'm like , oh well , my mom's having dinner .

But she said no , no , no , alan . I asked what you want to do

and I had this real moment with myself . I don't know . I never really thought a ton about that . It's actually a really depressing moment . To be honest with everyone , I said I don't want to do anything . I don't want to do anything , I don't want to go anywhere .

I said I want to stay in , I want to watch a movie and I want to eat delicious food with you . And at the time , tucker it was before we had the cat and I don't want to do anything . It's it . And I looked back at my life and it's like every single birthday I did all this stuff .

I remember going to Mohegan's son and ragers and parties and blah , blah , blah . And I realized in hindsight I never really checked in . Do I actually care about any of that ? I am , I'm just like Kevin , very simple . I care about very few things , but I care about those things deeply . Fitness is one of them , food is one of them .

Kevin and I both share that . We had a whole argument on the last episode about food . Those things we care about at level 10 and the rest we just let ride . We just don't care . That's OK . So whoever you are , be that and improve that and grow from there , rather than trying to be something you're not , because that's just a game you can't really win .

I don't want to be celebrated , I don't need to be celebrated , I don't desire to be celebrated . I appreciate it , I appreciate the thoughtfulness , but it's just that ain't it for me . I just want to hang out . This is . This is something that shifted for me . I remember it's almost like when you get into self-improvement there's a little bit of ego .

Maybe it's just extra pride that comes with it . But I remember for a long time and I'm not making this wrong if you aren't on this side or you disagree , I'm just saying for me , this has been my experience . I remember I used to hate small talk .

I used to hate it to the point where I would try to have deep conversations with everybody I came across and then I started to see the detriment

of that too , of sometimes I'd just be talking to myself and the other person very clearly wanted nothing to do with it . I have a newfound appreciation for small talk because for some people small talk is the way and it makes them feel good and it makes them feel expressed , and not everybody has the opportunity to express themselves . You ever talk to somebody ?

I remember when I used to do the job I used to do , we used to go into schools a lot and this was a very interesting character study and it was very personal to me and I'll explain why . Usually we would connect with the custodians .

Custodians were the ones who would kind of help us get through the school and unlock places that we needed to get to , and I noticed that many of the custodians really , really liked to talk .

They would talk your ear off if you let them , and I think one of the reasons why is they didn't have a lot of people to talk to and it wasn't necessarily super deep conversation . It was more I want to feel seen , I want to feel heard and I want to feel appreciated .

I had a real deep respect for that because I remember when I was a custodian quote unquote at a hospital , nobody really wanted to talk to me either . I remember what that was like . So I used to be in the very beginning . I was on the phase of screw , small talk , everything should be super deep .

Then it was probably well , yeah , and then I think it just kind of it's wafted back and forth to the place where there's nothing better than a really good deep talk with someone who wants to have a really good deep talk . That is the best thing in the world . But if somebody just wants to stay at the surface , I'm okay visiting there .

It probably isn't going to light me up at the same level of deep talk will , but I'd rather have that conversation than try to have a super deep talk with that person and nothing happened or them get turned off , or I'd rather maintain the relationship than just have a purely deep talk . And that's something that's changed about myself .

In the beginning I didn't think I wanted that to change Over time . It just kind of has and I think it's kind of landed where it should . So I guess that's another perspective for this episode is what don't you want to change about yourself ? You might not want to change it , but you might find in five years that it's what's best for you to change .

You know , I get it . There's something called metacognition . Well , thinking about your thinking , kevin and I have gone deep .

We used to travel together all the time and we just have deep , deep conversations about the economy and the world and what the purpose of life is and what we're doing , and what we used to do versus what we are now are upbringing people in high school , popular people versus not popular people , athlete everything .

We've talked about everything about the world , why things are the way they are , how they work . That's who we are . We're existentialists , we're philosophers . We just do this all the time . We do it for a living now , great . But I was on the

podcast earlier and I said I now realize that not everyone cares and I'm a metacog person , so let me give you a tiny example . So the dog went to the mall and took a poop on the carpet is a story .

A meta story is dogs sometimes eat and when they eat they need to digest it in poop and then there's like layers and layers and layers of well , dogs are a species . There's actually different types of dogs , but when dogs eat this kind of food , there's layers and so not everyone cares about the layers .

Alan and I used to hang out with people who did not care and in hindsight that's so clear . And as I become more mature and this is really important for anyone out there who's listening who does obviously like to go deep you would not like this show if you don't . You just wouldn't . You'd be like why does that matter ? Right , Growing up everybody so many .

You think too much . I got that . You think too much . You think too much . You think too much . I'm 35 now I realized they're not doing metacognition . They think I think too much because I'm thinking about my thinking . A human being , you can take yourself out of the chess game . You can take yourself out of yourself .

You can think about the globe and the earth and gravity and you can think about the universe . You can metacognition . Dogs don't have metacognition , they just ooh bone . You know . They just run around . They do stuff they just do . A lot of people are on autopilot . That is the truth . A lot of people are on autopilot .

They are not thinking about their past , they're not thinking about their future , they're thinking about today and that's it , and that's their choice . Okay , but I like to contemplate what the purpose of life is . What is the meaning of life ? What growth , limiting beliefs , growth mindset , all

that stuff . That's what this podcast is built on Contemplation , contemplation of yourself , contemplation of others , contemplation of the world , how it works , why it works that way . And so to your point , kev .

I think that it's very mature of you and I to grow through these things and to realize that at certain gatherings , you just kind of stay on the surface because no one really wants to go any deeper . And you try , I try , I , you know , oh , you know , I'll ask . You know what's new ? It's all same old , same old . How's work ?

Oh , you know pretty good , pretty good . And it's like well , you know what's next in your career . And I remember one person said no , I'm good . I remember thinking like are you kidding me ? That's it , you're done , you're like 27 . What's next ? What's the next level ? Right , no one cares ? Oh , you would never listen to our show . You don't like me ?

That's fine , that's fine . Let's just move on with our lives . Right , I'll go back to the surface . You can go back to doing whatever you do and not thinking about it . And I'm not trying to offend anybody , I just want to be me and this is who I am .

And on this show we talk about stuff like that and if you don't like it , you don't have to listen , and that's okay . And I think that we're finally realizing that , kev , and I think it's very mature of us , because in the beginning I thought the same of growth and everybody wants to grow , and I was guilty of that more than you , for sure .

it . When I'm with a group of people , I consider it pockets of depth , where there are certain people you'll come across where it's like oh , you want to , you want to go deep ? Hell yeah . And there's other people where you can tell , yeah , you just want to kind of stay on the on the surface , that's okay , I can hang here . I'm not really great at this .

I can hold a conversation , but I'm . That's usually how I go go through it . I have some people in mind where every time I see them , they're happy to see me because they get to go deep and I'm happy to see them because that we get . We can kind of go deep together , where there's other people that just don't want that .

So to your point , yeah , it really is . You have to decide what that is for you , do you ? Maybe you don't ever want to turn it off , whether you're watching or listening , and you always want to have deep conversations either . Maybe you just rather not talk to someone than have a shallow conversation . I'm not gonna make that right .

I'm not gonna make that wrong . It's about what's right for you and what's wrong for you . At the end of the day and that would be my next level nugget what don't you want to change about yourself ? That's on you , that's up to you , that's your responsibility , that's your opportunity , that's your choice . Are there pros and cons with everything ? Absolutely .

At least go in knowing the pros and knowing the cons , and I think that as long as you're there and you're the most informed you can be when you're making your decisions , you'll have , hopefully , the least amount of regret , and that that would be the next level nugget for me my next level , nugget .

But sometimes I would say effort to credit ratio is not super great , because the effort is just insane . And this person knows that . This person has known me for years and I said honestly , the truth of the matter is is that I'm fulfilled ? I love my life ? I don't . I don't love every second of it . I don't love .

I love podcasting , but I don't always want to podcast . I love coaching , but I definitely don't always want to coach . I I love my life and I love my relationship , but I'm not always waking up with rainbows and butterflies and pumped for the day like , yeah , let's you know that's all BS straight up .

But overall , holistically , my life is magnificent and I love it , but it's really challenging . And I told her this . I said , listen , I'm doing it for fulfillment . At this stage , I want to achieve my goals and in many ways it's more of a calling than anything .

I kind of have to in a way because it's who I am and it's who I aspire to be , and that's a whole another episode . But I'm fulfilled . I'm really , really , really fulfilled . And I'm not fulfilled when I don't do this I'm . I'm unfulfilled when I'm not improving . I'm unfulfilled when I'm not having deep conversations .

I'm unfulfilled when I'm not coaching and helping people grow . And this is why I'm here . This is who I am . And she said oh , I'm not fulfilled . And she's shifting her

life to be more of her and less of me , and just like Kevin trying to be like me , me trying to be like Kevin . You have to cut that out because if it's not fulfilling , you're in trouble . Doesn't mean it has to be pleasurable . Doesn't mean it has to be fun . Doesn't mean it has to be easy . Feedback is going to be brutal .

Any goals next level you do is going to be just brutal . Okay , let's own that . That's table stakes . But is it fulfilling ? The amount of ridicule and hate and crap I've gotten on this last seven-year journey is insane . It has not been good , but it's .

I'm fulfilled in my real life , regardless of what hate I get on social media or my friends or my friends' friends or who I should , or blah , blah , blah . What I said at a context .

At the end of the day , I told her I'm fulfilled and I think when you're being yourself and you're in alignment with your calling , whatever it is , you will be fulfilled and that's the proof that you're being you . I don't think you can be fulfilled being someone else .

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Second one is the suppression of self-expression leads to depression and you're going to be able to express yourself . You're going to be able to be yourself . That's what this episode is about . Whatever you are , be a good one . Group coaching is going to help you with that .

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Is this the one you sent me ? No ? No , this is different . You sent me a clip .

So I thought it would be a valuable episode to talk about that . So we're going to do that tomorrow . As always , we love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you , and at NLU we do not have fans , we have family . We will talk to you all tomorrow .