#1551 - What Would Happen If You Started Honoring Yourself First?

What would happen if you started honoring yourself first ? I was doing a reflective , a reflection on my life recently , which led to me staying up until 2am listening to old music from high school and bawling my eyes out , and I told you that Nice . I think I told you that it was wild , I don't know .

I was yeah , love the way you lie , by M&M and just like old songs and it was like whoa All the feelings coming back . But the one thing that I believe I have had the privilege of doing for as long as I can remember long before I was an adult is I had the opportunity to honor myself first . I was never pressured into going to college .

My family said do whatever you want . When I left , I technically got fired from the gas station because I was looking for another job and I was kind enough to tell them they didn't take too kindly to that something . They fired me when I decided to work third shift .

That's what I had to do to get by . Nobody ever pushed back on that . When I went and it was a personal trainer nobody pushed back on that . When I paid $1,500 to get out of my personal training contract because I hated it so much and it was sucking the life out of me , nobody said anything about that .

When I took a job that required traveling and I spent 10 months living on the road and didn't see anybody my family , my friends that much . I felt like I had the permission to do that . I felt like I was able to honor myself first . If I didn't do any of those things , if I didn't do all those things , would I be where I am today ? Most likely not .

I don't even know how I am where I am today . If you took out any of those building blocks , I probably wouldn't be where I am .

So much to the fact that when I decided when Alan and I really decided together , but when I made the decision that I'm going to leave my job and do this full time , the reason I did that is because that was what I felt would serve me the best Not serve my parents , not serve my friends , not serve my reputation on Facebook or Instagram I was scared of

that for sure . I was afraid of the judgment that would come with that , but my deep belief was at the end of the day , this is my life . Nobody else is ever going to have to live it , except for me . If I'm not doing things that I actually enjoy doing , I am going to be in this long weird journey and I'm going to be miserable .

I used to have a quote and I don't know . I don't remember it very well , but it was something along the lines of life is too short if you find something you love and you want to do it every day forever . Life is too long if you're doing something you hate every day because you'll hear people say life is too short or life is too long .

I think it depends entirely on how aligned your life is . I appreciate that very much and that speaks to what we're talking about today . What would happen if you started honoring yourself first ? My story , as I just shared quickly , is it got me to a place where now I'm able to put myself first even more , even more than I ever had or have or had .

But would I have that opportunity if I didn't start that in the first place ?

our lives and things like that and I now realize that a lot of parents are unintentionally . You hear the doctor , lawyer , engineer failure I had never heard that until you told me that Really .

But a lot of them consider their children a reflection of themselves , and so if you do have an adult or a parent or a caregiver who really cares about their perception like if you , being a doctor , makes them look really good to their peers then they're going to really unconsciously steer you in that direction .

So , for example , when you randomly went to your mom and memes and said I want to be a professional fighter , if they aren't afraid of looking bad when you do that , then you're good , it's not a big deal .

And so I had a lot sort of my family wanted to see me succeed and I think a lot of families have narrow views of what success looks like , especially in the past . I think that's opening up quite a bit in the 21st century , but anyway . So where did this episode come from ? I'm reading a book right now called it's On Me Love that title .

It's On Me Accept hard truths , discover yourself and change your life . It's by a woman named Sarah Kubrick and she talks about her story , about how she , in clinical psychology , she's a therapist

and there's something called self-loss and while we may not know or have studied this in psychology , we know when we've been victim of it or guilty of it in our own life . Self-loss is kind of what we talked about in the last episode of you don't put yourself first , you don't invest in yourself , you'd rather belong than stand out .

So I certainly experienced this in high school . I don't know if everyone did , but I definitely did . Where I wanted to fit in , I wanted to fit in with the popular kids and I would be willing to suppress who I am or contort who I am to get approval , and I think all of us do that to some extent .

Some of that is for survival , some of that is growing up . You kind of have to please your parents because they're your caregivers . So I get it . I'm not making that wrong , and I don't know if I know anyone who doesn't do that to some extent . Contorting who you are to be liked or accepted is not uncommon .

That's not a you problem , that's a human problem .

This woman , sarah Kubrick , talks about how she lost herself and how she helps people with self-loss . And self-loss is , you know , instead of saying I love pizza , someone else is saying well , I hate pizza and you're like you know what ? I hate pizza too , because you'd rather be in rapport with that person than disagree with them .

And we all do this to some extent , but to what extent ? And I think that as I get older and more mature and I accept myself more and I align with who I really am more whatever you are , be a good one . I say that quote often , shout out to Jerry Ann , who has that on her wall .

I think I accept who I am more and more and more , year after year , and I'm less and less and less likely to contort who I am to get approval , and I think that that's a lot of what growing up is . When we're kids , I think we're unapologetically ourselves . Even if we don't get along with our peers , we say things like they are .

Kids can sometimes be overly , overly truthful about to each other and they can bully each other and say harsh truths at times .

But I think as a kid I kind of knew who I was and I was not really bashful about it . I was very outgoing with it . I liked getting really good at stuff and I remember one of my friends saying you know , alan , you don't got to be the best at everything .

And I remember I said to him and this was me just as a kid I said no , kiki , you don't have to be the best at everything I do . What I really was saying underneath that is I love getting good at stuff , I love it . I love mastery , I love growth . I'm not going to play basketball just for fun . That's not who I am .

I'm going to play basketball to get better , even when I'm alone . I am timing myself to see if I can get 11 shots within the next 40 minutes . I literally set a timer . I just love getting better . I love it . That's who I really am . Then in high school I kind of found out that that's not really cool .

Being smarter than other people isn't really accepted and cool you make people feel bad about themselves . Being better than actually , I started to suppress Because I love getting better at stuff . I always have , whether it was video games or snowboarding or basketball or whatever , whatever passion it was . I love getting really good at stuff .

But I realized that my friends really don't like that . I'm better than them at everything and I don't really fit in when I'm better than . So

what if I just dim myself a little bit ? What if I just , you know , I'll be just good enough ? Instead of being the best on the basketball court , I'll be second best , or I'll be a little bit better than the best , but I'll stay there because that's comfortable .

Then you get older and 26 happened and I got in a car accident and I reevaluated my life and I talk about the top five . Or gets the dying . This is the same through line of self loss , and Kevin and I interviewed a woman named Ronnie Ware and she wrote a book called the Top Five Regrets of the Dying , and the number one regret of the dying is .

I wish I had lived the life true to myself and not what others expected of me . So , after 26 , I found myself again and I stopped trying to fit in and I stopped drinking alcohol and I stopped doing any drugs and I started going all in on self improvement , which is what I used to do as a kid . I just didn't know that's what you call it .

I just thought I wanted to win at video games or win at basketball or win at whatever , and so we lose ourselves when we're trying to fit in more than we're trying to be ourselves . And so self loss is what this episode is about Honoring who you really are . Whatever you are , be a good one . I'm someone who loves to get better .

I always have and I always will , and now that I'm leaning into that , I'm also spending my life and investing my life and helping other people get better , and that's awesome , that's not bad , that's great , and some people do not like it , some people never will like it , but I love it .

So I think that , whatever that is for you , hopefully you can find that thing whatever it is and design your life around who you really are , rather than constantly contorting who you are to try to belong or fit in .

you rather be loved by yourself for being who you know you're supposed to be ? That's how I think . I really think of it from that perspective and I think we're all . When you're in a group of other people , we all wanna fit in to some degree . At times .

Maybe you're at a stage in your life excuse me , right now where that isn't the case and you feel super comfortable in yourself and awesome . I love that for you if that's the case . But I still have those moments where I'm in a room with a bunch of other people that just don't necessarily value what I value . I tend to just shut down , I just don't talk .

That's just the way I do it . That just seems to work best for me . But that has taken a long time . That's taken years and years , and years and years , and it almost sounds like when you're explaining it . It's almost the abandonment of your uniqueness to just to fit in .

Let me just get rid of all the stuff that makes me unique , because if I have any of my uniqueness left , people are gonna see that . And what are we made fun of and what are we traumatized around the most ? Our uniqueness . Not the stuff that makes us like everybody else . It's the stuff that makes us different than everybody else .

Unfortunately , unfortunately , it's again . It's one of those things . It's very weird how it's all set up . The thing that makes you the most different somehow , for some reason , ends up being a target , I don't know why , because it's different , I guess , and different is scary to many people .

And then that's the thing that you work the rest of your life to uncover the thing that you were so good at when you were young . I remember I told this story on a podcast recently . I remember hearing stories from my Nana , my grandmother on my dad's side , because I did know her and she used to tell me

stories how we would go down to the beach and I would just run around butt naked when I was a baby I don't know how , old , young enough where it wasn't weird , put it that way and I said on the podcast . I said , well , why don't I do that anymore One ?

You don't know what judgment it feels like Then , when you get into your teenage years and you're looking around saying what is this person thinking about me ? And then , as you get older and older and older , hopefully , you start to uncondition all of the judgment that has convinced you to be someone that you're not .

Maybe and my next level nugget in the goal for this episode is to speed that up . I do believe you and I are blessed because we had our quarter life crisis in our mid-20s , definitely , and we had a lot of necessity to look in the mirror and say , okay , what do I like about myself ? What do I not like about myself ?

What do I secretly like about myself that I wish I could like about myself in front of other people ? That's a really good question to ask yourself . That's a good one . And then I tried to be you for a few years . I think you had bouts of trying to be more like me , definitely .

And then we got to the point where it was like I don't know man , I just don't think that's sustainable . I don't think it's sustainable for you to To go away every weekend . I don't think it's sustainable for me to say I'm never gonna have a drink in my life , or I'm never gonna smoke weed , or I'm never gonna watch UFC on Saturday . I don't .

I Used to . There was a pressure for a long time as the host of a self-improvement podcast . There was a pressure for a long time to be dialed in all the time Mm-hmm , and I thought that's what I was supposed to be . I thought I was supposed to be Just on 24 7 never did a bad thing .

24 7 self-improvement , and I do that to a degree , but it's not the same as Alan . Alan does it more than I do . For a long time that scared me , and I was . I Wanted to be more like Alan and I want Alan to think that I was like Alan .

And now , more than ever , I think we've given ourselves in each other their permission to say just just do what you do , man , mm-hmm , as long as it's not bad , as long as it kev , don't get wasted and go out driving like that's not cool . Don't do that . That's done . Don't do that . If you want to have a whiskey on a Friday , okay , man , cool .

That is kind of the journey we've been on together . So it definitely helps when you have people around you that can , that can give you permission , even though you don't need it . Sometimes we want a little , a little bit of permission from the people around us . Maybe it's just to be seen . Hey , I see you searching for yourself .

You can do that , you can do that here . Yeah , do it , do it , do whatever not gonna harm me , yeah . So sometimes it helps to have someone around you that can , can bounce things off of I .

I think we're all righty or lefty I do , and it's an oversimplification , but I think sometimes simplification makes things more clear . Kev , you're an artist man . I Want to go with the flow and I love math equations .

I think we could all use with some being ambidextrous . And so I Was telling this guy on the podcast . I said I'm the scientist and anyone who's listening you know the scientist , the engineer , the rational , logical thinker , and Structure is important . And and I said , shout out to the artists , we love you .

If everyone was an engineer and a scientist like me , this world will be boring as hell . That's right up . Okay , everything would be utility and it would just be boring numbers , utility verse , and so I've got a little artist in me , but my scientist is bigger . Kevin's got a little scientist in him , but his artist is bigger and we're better together .

And If you are more of an artist , you love to go with the flow , you love freedom , you love expression , you love the arts and you love experiences and you love emotions . That's all awesome . It's all awesome , but you could use a little structure . You know it .

You know you need some structure and you know you need some discipline and you know you need some calendar and some , some , some rails , and that's okay , not so much that you are not feeling like you , but to amplify the art . And then with me it's the opposite . I have to literally put on my calendar to , to R&R , to do nothing , to go Spontaneity .

Emilia says we need some more spontaneity , we have to schedule spontaneity . It's . It's not like that for everybody . And so you've got the artist and the scientist and and it's the righty and the lefty and the artist needs more structure , the , the . The scientist needs more flow , the scientist needs more flow . Kevin talked on this podcast .

He said listen , man , we're overdoing it , this top 10 . You know reasons why to do . We keep driving to five . When it becomes overly structured , he pushes back a little . When it becomes overly , just show up and let it ride .

I'm like dude , I don't feel like we're doing a good job , and so we've constantly learned how to progressively become more of who we are , and we're better together than we were apart . The whole is greater than the sum of its parts , and so ,

back to the original point of this . It's on me the self-loss piece . Just because you lean into who you are does not mean you're gonna be alone . It's yin and yang , not yin and yang . It's not yang and yang and yin and yin . It's yin and yang .

So if Kevin's an eight out of 10 and I'm a seven out of 10 , eight plus seven if we didn't get along is what ? 15 , 15 , eight times seven is 56 . 56 . So we're exponentially better together than a part .

And the way it was explained is I know I know it won't be for you , but somebody it was on a documentary or something I was watching I was like you're saying that's something that could actually be something and it's just the number , the amount of time . So it's like 100 times one is just 100 . Sorry , it's 100 times . So one times one is just one .

be in in a job she fucking hates pardon my French and I know I just hammered it . No , I'm taking it , but at the end of the day you have to reassess , look in the mirror like is this who you really wanna be ? Is this who you really are ? I lost myself for so many years and my midlife crisis happened at a quarter of life . So I was 26, .

Kevin was 26 when he had suicidal ideation . We don't have time for those stories right now , but we both faced mortality in our own unique way at 26 years old , and fortunately that happened because we woke up and realized we are not living a life true to ourself .

And so that's where I'll end with is you gotta know yourself and you've gotta align with who you are really and who you aspire to be really .

And that takes an honest conversation , and the more you discover , the more you evolve , the more you grow , the more you're gonna have to have that conversation with yourself , and so the only wrong answer is to sit back and live a life that's not true to who you are , and hopefully NLU helps you on that journey .

Then that's the start , and then that season of life is trying to get in alignment with that person . Then we see what that work . What does that look like in life ? What kind of results do you get ? What kind of relationships do you get ? Then from there you can hone . But I think that's the first step is who am I ? Deep , deep episode today .

math lessons in there every single day . No , we don't we don't do any math lessons in next level nation , but it is a group of like-minded individuals who want Figure out more about who they are . They want to get more into alignment , more authenticity , more connection what we all long for as human beings .

So , as always , the link will be in the show notes . We would absolutely love to have you in there . The question of the day today or yesterday I believe was Sunset versus sunrise .

Oh , yeah , yeah , the next month you meet up it's gonna be January 4th , thursday , january 4th , yep , and it's creating , creating clear goals for 2024 . Start 2024 off With clarity on your future goals , future self , and we'll make sure that the goals are aligned with who you really are . Okay , we're gonna help you with that .

January 4th , click the link in the show notes and register , and we will see you there 2024 ?

He said I'm 40 . I started in 2008 . I said I graduated high school in 2007 . How is that even possible ? None of this makes sense .

Okay , it's a great movie . You can hate on it all you want . It's a great movie .

We will talk to you all tomorrow .