¶ Intro / Opening
Next level nation . Welcome back to another episode of next level university , where we help you level up your life , your love , your health and you're well . We hope you enjoyed our latest episode Yesterday's episode , it was episode number 1543 the four s's of Clary . Today , for episode number 1544 , I'm moving my screens all around . It's mayhem .
What does your inner child's need to hear ? Had maybe the most powerful interaction I've had with a quote-unquote stranger in . This might be the longest ever . This might be like the most profound thing that has happened to me with a stranger ever . Well it's quite it , it's good . You know , I have to live up to that now . It's quite a hook .
Stay improved , stay improved Ellen's way . I was on a podcast last week it was last Friday , last thing before Tara and I went out dinner with a couple of our friends and this podcast was a podcast for mostly men and the host was a coach of a men's group . So we log on , we connect , we get the interview going and it was going really well .
The host and I were connecting really well . It was great . And we get to probably halfway in and the host said I have to apologize to you for something . And I said yeah , go ahead . And he said I had a , I had a preconceived notion of who you were gonna be .
I Did some research and I looked you up and your tattooed and you're a bodybuilder and peak performance and next level and
¶ A love from a stranger
martial arts and I I assumed that you were just gonna be hot , hurrah and just high vibe , inspiration and get it done , and this and this and this . And he said I I apologize that I painted you with that , that picture , I painted you with that brush , whatever the saying is . And Then he just said some very nice things .
He said you're , you're amazing , you're super wise and you're balanced and all these things . And I was crying at this point I had started crying and Then him and I had a really good just . It was a . You want to talk about a vulnerable conversation ?
I mean , I was like I just I have love for you and I you've made me feel safe enough to be as open as I am , so I hope you feel some of that love coming back to you . And it was just wonderful . We hung out after for a little bit . I said I gotta go , I'd love to stay in chat . I'll come back anytime . Just great it was . It was wonderful .
And when I get off , I was talking to Taryn and she said why do you think that was ? Why do you think it happened that way ? And I said , honestly , because I got love from a man and I think that's something I've always wanted .
Alan and I didn't have father figures and I go on a lot of shows that are hosted by women and they give me a lot of love and I'm super grateful for that . But I it's never felt like I really needed that and I told her . I said I think I've been , I think I've wanted that . I think I've longed for that for years and Alan gives me that .
I get that from Alan , I get that from Matt and I get that from my friends , but that's different . That's someone who knows me . This person didn't know who I was . They thought I was gonna be a certain way and I was actually , for lack of better phrasing , better than they expected . I said that that was everything to me .
I couldn't , I couldn't contain myself . What is your inner child need to hear ? My inner child really needed to hear a man say I'm proud of you , I'm proud of your character , I'm proud of who you are . I Think you're a really great man and that was . It was huge for me . It was huge . There was a time when I was in high school .
I might have been , I might have been fresh out of high school , but I was spending time with one of my best friend's parents and we were . We were drinking Responsibly . We were responsibly drinking , but still I was underage and there was , at one point , responsibly .
Go hand-in-hand little side to end . Yeah , that's fair .
Yeah , I had a really good relationship with this family , and with the father in particular , and there was a point and this was Too heavy . This is too heavy for a high schooler to hear but there was a point where he said I wish you were my son . I Really wish you were my son and not my son , and it was heavy .
It was like that is a heavy thing , but it felt as bad as it felt on one end , it felt really good on the other end because I had never had anybody say that to me . My own father didn't want me around . The fact that you do is amazing . That's exactly what I needed to hear .
So that was the inspiration behind today's episode , because Maybe , maybe you've had the benefit of somebody saying what your inner child needed to hear and you had some sort of emotional breakdown and you don't know why .
I Was able to connect the dots pretty quickly just because Alan and I have talked about it so often not having male role models growing up and I thought it might be a valuable episode . Maybe you hear the story and you connect with it , or maybe you hear the story and it makes you or gives you the opportunity to reflect on some of your experiences .
You , uh , you ever hear someone say you know you got to give that to yourself because other people might not give it to you , that kind of thing .
And what I think is fascinating is and I think it's both I Do therapy , I'm also a coach , but when I say I do therapy , I mean I'm in therapy and and when I'm coaching people , a lot of times I'm trying to understand what they need to hear to unlock them . And I Was on the phone with a client recently that how do I articulate this high level ?
Definitely struggling with self-love definitely doesn't like the way she looks . Definitely never has , even though this person is beautiful from my perspective and what I realized and this is my truth and I share this with her , but I'll keep it anonymous I think that you are looking to hear that from your mother or from your father . I think it's mother .
My intuition says mother . And here's the thing I don't know if her mom's ever going to say that and she literally said she's like well , my mom always said I was ugly and that I never looked good in this or never . It was definitely not positive . It was very .
I guess this person never felt attractive and her parents definitely didn't pour into her feeling attractive . And then there's that okay , well , you're going to have to give yourself those compliments , but there's a part of me that doesn't think that's going to work , because I think it's both .
I think you need to give yourself the love you never had , but I think , on top of that , is it true that we can just go meditate in a cave and tell ourselves the wonderful things about ourselves that we always needed to hear from our parents ? I'm not convinced , you know . I mean , think about it , kev .
What if I had told you oh , you got to give that to yourself , man . Would you have broke down crying ? Probably not .
I feel like I have given it to myself .
That's what I mean
¶ Wanting to hear from someone
, right Isn't ?
it . It's got to be both . It's different yeah it's different .
Okay , that's what I want to go into if you're game , why is it ? Different .
It's external validation . I was on a podcast and we were talking about confidence . It was the same podcast . This was a wonderful . I really wish I remember the gentleman's name because I want to give a proper shout out to this person . Let me look it up before we get off .
And we were talking about confidence and I said when I think about confidence , I don't think of it from the perspective of I don't care what anybody thinks . I think of it from the perspective of I am so centered in who I am and the work I'm doing on myself .
Not that I'm perfect and I don't need any work , but if people don't like me in the room , I know I'm going to like myself when I go . Anyway , when I leave , I'm going to like myself and I think that's really a good measure of confidence for me .
And I think that when somebody recognizes all the work you've done on yourself , it almost allows you to extra recognize how much work you've done on yourself . So I think there's a big difference between needing validation , seeking validation , and receiving validation . That pushes something over the edge . I would say that was the experience for me .
I do believe I'm a good man . I work really hard to be a good man
¶ Validations
and my goal is always to deliver and be different than you expect I'm going to be . That's always one of my goals . But I think the other piece of it , too , was the bravery and the vulnerability that he showed on his show to just say , hey , I want to have an open , honest conversation about that . Just in the middle , hey , I want to apologize .
I mean , this was all live , this was all happening on the interview . That was very inspirational to me .
Do you think and of course I want to psychoanalyze this because I'm curious , as always and I also want to share , when you were sharing that I have a very similar but also different ? Emilia says same , same but different . So it's same , same but different . And shout out to Emilia she's so cute when she says that , but anyways , so where ?
was I going with that ? You had a similar one , oh , before that .
Yeah , yeah , yeah . So I would psychoanalyze this . You've been judged Muscles , tattoos , muscle car . Working at the hospital , working at the gas station , people overlooking you , not taking you seriously , not respecting you , that kind of thing .
This person admitted that they were going to overlook you kind of , and then they didn't and you overdelivered , I guess , from that frame , because I think that this is something that unlocked you . I think it poked a deep wound you didn't even know was there and you just can't even help yourself from crying . And I think that every human being has those .
They have those . You can either get them poked and then it ignites this part of you that's super angry , or you can have it poked in a way that unlocks you and the love that you get or the kindness that you get , or the compassion that you get or the empathy that you get , can unlock you and tears .
So , for example , if you were to go back listeners and listened to episode 1000 , it's a 30 minute episode At least 15 minutes of it is us trying to get words out because we're basically crying the whole time . I don't know what about a thousand did it , but I knew right before we were recording . I was like , oh no , this is , I can feel it .
It's like common and we just could not stop crying . But it was happy tears , it was unlocking tears , it was , I think , transformational tears . So what about that interview with that person ? Do you think that's connected to being so undervalued for so long , particularly by men ?
I think that's a big piece of it . Honestly , the biggest thing that I can land on is it was a compliment of my character , not my results , and that's what I've always said . I care more about being a good person . So the fact that he said that you're a great man and you're this and you're this , it wasn't . You're more successful than I thought .
That wasn't it . Why do you think ?
your character has always mattered to you more than results From the childhood frame .
Because most people are never really going to know your results anyway . The only thing people really get to experience is your character .
Okay , go another layer , though . Rather than a rational answer , what's a ?
That's the way I think of it . When you can't control your results , you can still control your character .
So do you think ? As a kid , you didn't feel like you could control your results . Oh , definitely so at the gas station . You were a good person , but people treated you like crap because you were lowly in terms of results .
Right , yeah , I definitely was looked down upon , but I always tried to be . I tried to be a good person . I tried to be a good man , as good of a man as I could be from a character standpoint . From a character standpoint , I always wanted to be a good man .
So why did this unlock you so much ? Why did you cry so much ? Do you think so ? The Teddy story ? For the listeners that are new , I can't read the story without bawling my eyes out , and I know the reason why is because when I was going through such a hard time as a kid and no one really knew about it , there were people who believed in me .
I could tear up just talking about it , particularly a teacher , and I get emotional even just talking about it right now , because I don't know where I'd be had I not , had I not been supported in that way at that time . But why for you ? Why for you ? Do you think that one hits so deep ? I don't .
I mean , it's probably the childhood wound of wanting my dad to say that to me , because when I met my dad I don't remember what it was , but it was . You look like you're doing well , oh , and you're doing this and you're making this money . It was never . You're a good man . I'm proud of the way you turned out as a man . That was never .
I don't think that was ever there and that's all I wanted .
I don't . Did you ever see your dad at all as a kid ? No , because it was what was the youngest ?
I remember there . I remember one time watching wrestling with him , but I don't even know if I knew he was my dad . I don't think I did . I just remember I was like with a stranger for the day .
That's really all I remember .
Man , five or six maybe Young , because I don't really remember . I don't remember much . I remember going there and then it was like this is a stranger . It was like a strange man , but I'm supposed to know this man , but I didn't really know . So when I tell my story , I always say when I was 27, . I met my dad for the first time with
¶ Childhood wounds
the understanding he was my dad Before then . I think I met him once when I was little , but I didn't know he was my dad . It wasn't like this is your father , you're his son . I don't think that happened , and if it did , I just wasn't capable of understanding him .
All right . So now ? Same , same but different . Let's go quick with it Same , same but different . When you were telling your story about something that unlocked you emotionally , I thought of when I was in therapy and I asked a question that I was scared to ask .
And the question that I was scared to ask , which I already knew the answer , but I was scared to get the external validation Because inside I already knew the answer and maybe this relates to what you're talking about because inside you already knew you were a good man , like you had mentioned earlier .
I asked her she's in her fifties , she's been doing therapy for decades , at least decade plus , and thousands of clients probably , if not hundreds , probably thousands , honestly students . She's a professor as well . And I asked I said from zero to 10 , what's the level of trauma ? And I needed her to know me well enough .
So I had been doing therapy for at least four or five months , if not six , I don't remember exactly how long , but it was long enough to where I was . Like I can ask now , with her giving me an actual , evidential answer based
¶ Bianca, the co-founder and COO of Evolve Ventures, talks about Alan's unwavering support as her coach and the profound impact of mentorship on her life
on actual data , of getting to know me . I talk a lot , so she really knows me .
But anyway so . I can imagine those sessions are probably just a 59 minute monologue after hello .
Believe it or not , they're actually not . They're meditative . It's fascinating . But when you do IFS stuff you'll do some meditations . But anyways , I asked the question , I knew the answer but I needed to hear it . But I didn't want to hear it .
And she said , and she after told me she didn't want to tell me but she also knew she couldn't lie to me , but anyway . So she essentially said due to the chronic nature of it , it's the highest I've ever seen , it's 10 . And that is an example of something I didn't know I needed to hear . Obviously , on some level I did , otherwise I wouldn't ask .
It's like I know I need to hear it , but I definitely don't want to hear it . And I already know , of course . I already know that , right , oh , it's a two . Yeah , okay , Right , so I ask . And after that I just broke down Like completely Phoenix burned down to the floor in ashes , but not in a negative way . This was emotions in a not negative way .
It hurt , it hurt . I remember walking down the stairs , bawling and just so sad for me , and then it came with this other side of it , which was
¶ Power in therapy
now I know , and also this other part of me that had reverence for it , like how the hell did I pull this off ? You know , and for the newer listeners who don't know me at all , it doesn't exactly look like I'm an underdog , you know . It looks like I was always smart and I always had things given to me and I'm , you know , successful .
Blah , blah , blah . It couldn't be farther from the truth , the reality that I've personally lived , and so for me that was unbelievably validating . But here's my point I don't know if I could have heard that from myself . I already knew it in me .
That's why I think therapy is a game changer , because you need to hear it from someone else , you can't just hear it from yourself , and I don't believe people that say that they're like well , only you can give you the love that you always needed . I don't know , man , I don't know .
I don't know if that's true , I think there's a part of us that will always need external love .
Well , if the internal wound caused what you're searching for , you've got to kind of go fix the internal wound . I don't know if that is something you can do anyway , maybe to a certain percentage . But I would be different if I didn't meet my dad . For sure , 100% I wouldn't be , as whatever I balanced or whatever you classified as I wouldn't be the same .
No way , this is what people call the work .
Yeah .
Well , he's doing the work , the journaling , the gratitude practice , the humility , the emotional intelligence . But here's the real work . I didn't want to ask that question . I didn't want to go to therapy at all . When Emilia suggested it I was like hell .
No , I don't want to do that .
I think that when people talk about the inner work , I think that's what they're talking about . The last thing I wanted to do was text my stepdad or even share my story with our listeners . I got interviewed on a podcast recently and I opened it with my last name's not really Lazarus , it's McCorkle and I never wanted to talk about that stuff before .
When you first met me , I never said any of that .
No , no , I didn't know that .
And I certainly don't wanna say it publicly . It's like , well , wait , what do you mean ? That stuff unlocks when you face these things and , more importantly , when you have people around you who love you in a way . Maybe love you is the wrong phrase .
When I say Emilia changed my life , what I mean is she loved me in a way no one else could the real me , Not the fitness model me , not the coach me , not the hyper conscious successful podcaster me semi successful podcaster when she met me . But she loved the real me , the little Alan , and all the different parts of me .
She still does and I am so convinced of this and this is probably controversial , but I don't think that I could have transformed without that .
As a matter of fact , I'm just gonna say there's no way and I have a client right now who's going through similar growth stuff and I'm sitting there going you're gonna need to become the person who earns your person , because your person's gonna unlock you in a way .
You can't and that's my truth and I know that goes against probably a lot of different spiritual practices of you can love yourself as much as others love you . I never believed that . I think that we need someone else outside of us to love us in a way we never were loved , that we needed to be loved .
And I think that after that you can transform beyond what most people think is possible , Certainly beyond what I thought was possible , because a lot of the stuff that we do at NLU I always was like , yeah , this is good , awesome , we're gonna have a successful podcast .
But when it comes to some other stuff , this inner work we're talking about dude no , never anticipated that , never anticipated therapy , never knew the Teddy story was gonna come to me , never understood how much I was gonna transform as a human being , never knew how . Never knew . I didn't know that we were gonna have women primarily as our listeners or the team .
I knew we'd have a big team . I had no idea it would be amazing empowered women for 90% of it . So there's so many things about our growth , my growth , our success , that I never anticipated and it all has to do with the emotional stuff and I think that people that are listening right now gotta ask yourself what is it that you need to hear ?
Your inner child needs to hear ? And then , who is someone who really cares about you regardless of themselves , who really loves you unconditionally . And I don't mean unconditionally from the sense of you can wake up every day and slap them in the face and they're still gonna love you .
What I mean is they love you unconditionally enough to where they wanna see you win regardless of themselves . They wanna see you loved regardless of themselves . You don't have to wish them a happy birthday for them to love you . It's not so conditional .
And the last thing I'll say is that person , who doesn't even know you , Kev , is giving you praise , love , appreciation , support , whatever . That is probably , on some level , what you've always needed to hear . And they're not doing it for gain . They're not doing it because they're supposed to .
They're not doing it because they're your mom or your dad or your uncle or your aunt . And
¶ External validation and the importance of self-belief
they're not . They don't have to , they don't have to say it . They didn't have to say that . So , there's something to that and hopefully everyone listening does this kind of work . Whatever this kind of work is , it's hard to explain the benefits . I don't fully get it , but I know that I'm different .
I found myself on other podcasts . It's hard , because when people ask what is one thing someone can do , I don't want to use the cliche answer , but it's either get a therapist , get a counselor or get someone to talk to you , because there's I do . I believe I'm very similar with that . I think there's only so much you can do by yourself 100% .
I really I think it's and I don't want that to be disempowering there's a lot you can do by yourself , for sure for your own self-awareness and your growth and your inner understanding and breaking free of stuff , but at some point it helps to have someone there to say have you ever thought of it this way though ? Have you ever ?
Oh , why do you think that made you feel that way ? Because if you knew the answers , or if you knew , maybe , if you knew the right questions to ask to get yourself to the answers you need , you'd already have the answers you need . Sometimes it's just that outside perspective .
How do you solve a wound alone that wasn't created alone ? 100% .
I don't know if you can . You could probably get pretty close . Maybe , I don't know , maybe you can get 70% of the way , but then the last 30% is the 30% you're searching for . I went and saw Matt recently . I visited Matt . I'm probably going to get emotional talking about that . We were having a conversation about something . Him and Carly is girlfriend Carly .
She said we were talking about you the other night . I said what were you saying ? They said we were just talking about how humble you are . You're one of the most humble people I've ever met . It was just like where the hell is this coming from ? I don't know . We were just having a joking conversation about something and then it just hit me .
You sure they weren't talking about me Well ?
played . I had to , I'm sorry , no . No , I think it was great . It was very well timed .
Here's the thing . At the risk of sounding arrogant , that's not my goal , and hopefully we'll be able to get past that . What if what you're waiting for someone to say to you is something that you say to yourself all the time ? You just don't believe it ? I do believe I'm again . Somebody humble might not say this .
I do believe I'm one of the most humble people . I really do . I put my head down , I work and I just try to stay humble . I'm grateful for everything we have . I know I could lose all this tomorrow . I want to be the most humble possible , but I also . I do believe I have a wonderful character and I work really hard to stay aligned with that character .
But how often am I going to say that to myself without deluding myself ? But when somebody comes and says it , it's like oh my goodness , thank you . I feel that way . The reason I think I cried is because I actually feel that way . I was actually able what's ?
the other reason you cried is that you've always felt that way , but no one ever gives you credit for it , and I think the deepest depth of this is this I was actually able to take the compliment and own it and receive it and say thank you so much . I think I do believe that's true . Actually , I actually believe that's true . Not , oh , you're too kind .
I really thank you . I feel so seen and I'm so grateful . You had the courage and the vulnerability to call yourself out on your own podcast to give me that . Thank you so much . I appreciate that . So I wonder if that isn't it , you can say it to yourself .
Kev , you and I drive the file . I don't mean to interrupt you , but for you it's Other people would say it to you and you never fully believed it , and now you do so it makes you emotional . I'm the opposite , where I always believed it , but someone else saying it made me no one ever gave it to me .
I always knew I had level 10 trauma , but no one's ever told me that . I always knew that I believed in myself . I always knew I was a good person , but people wouldn't give me that , and so I think our listeners are probably on one end of this .
Naturally , either you believe it yourself , but no one ever gives you credit for it , which is ironic or you don't believe it yourself and people are saying it . This client that I'm talking about , she doesn't believe she's beautiful . Everyone else calls her beautiful all the time .
So for her , maybe it is learning how to believe it yourself and take the compliments actually take the compliments that you get , whereas I felt the opposite in terms of I actually do think that I'm a great man and I do believe that I've always been a great man , while I've made many mistakes , but I don't feel if anything , I feel like people gave me the
opposite . I feel like people made me feel like a shithead . I know that I'm humble , but no one's ever called me that , except for Emilia . Even that we joke and we laugh . It's hilarious , but that's the thing . So all I'm saying is listeners , ask yourself do you believe it and
¶ Own it and receive it
you need to hear it from someone who really does love you for external validation or do you not believe it , even though you hear it all the time ?
That's a great question . Have you one ? These are my favorite episodes to do . I don't know , maybe that's weird . As emotional and as deep as they are , these for me , are the ones where I just feel right doing this . Whatever this is , this is what I feel most right doing .
So hopefully you don't want to talk about the top 10 ways to succeed .
I like the top 10 ways to succeed , especially if one of them is do the inner work , because that is really what holistic means at NLU Inner , outer , well-rounded 360 , health , wealth , love , all this stuff . But a lot of it's going to start with very challenging conversations like this Next level nugget , before we get out of here , what is it ?
I feel like there was a lot of Shout out to one of our I don't know if Philip listens to this show . I think Philip listens to this show . He said notable , quotable , yeah , probably said you come up with that , it's fine , don't worry .
Nice . Thank you , philip . If you were talking about me , no probably I'm at least 50% of this show .
I'm gonna say , there we go with the humility again . There we go , there it goes , thank you , thank you ?
Yeah , I'm at least 70% of the- . You know , it's funny Depending on how much I'm talking . Okay , my next level nugget . Yeah , give it to us will you Anything that makes you extremely emotional , but not necessarily pain emotion ? Yes , it's pain emotion , but it's not necessarily sad tears or happy tears , or it's transformational tears .
My next level nugget would be whatever has created transformational tears for you . There's something to learn about yourself underneath that .
My next level nugget would be when external validation meets internal self-talk . That means something . I don't know exactly what it means , but I would argue that it means something . That's it . I have to leave it a little bit open-ended Next level nation .
If you have not yet joined our private Facebook group , please do so If you wanna have deep conversations like this and not always super deep conversations like this , but it's an opportunity for you to talk about stuff that really matters .
Imagine this is a really good exercise Create a list of five people you would share this podcast episode with , with the understanding that this is the type of self-improvement that you do . If you don't have five people , that's okay , totally fine . Honestly , that's probably the majority .
Unfortunately , those are the type of people in Next Level Nation and we would love to have you there . If it is a line for you . Link is in the show now .
Yeah , heart-driven , humble people who wanna grow and contribute . For sure , such a good community it is . What was I talking about ? What was I gonna talk about ? Ah , group coaching . So group 13 starts January 2nd and we've done 12 groups . What do I wanna say from the heart here ?
We've improved this thing for two years and it is gonna help you succeed externally . It's gonna help you stay consistent , but it's also gonna help you a lot on the inner work too . Every single session that we do there's six hour-long sessions . Amy L is the assistant coach .
She does connection calls in between for anything you might be missing or need extra help on , and it's a 12-week program , 90 days transformation . What do I wanna say about this ? Many of the team members , many of our community have been through it . Some people have been through it three times and that's how good it is , and it keeps getting better .
So I hope that you join us . It is unreasonably affordable . It's $90 , oh , no , $96, . $96 . 97 . 97 . 97 dollars per month for the three months . If you email me , alan at nextleveluniversecom , because the website's not set up yet for group 13 , email me , alan at nextleveluniversecom . Say hey , I want in for group 13 .
I will send you an invoice for 97 dollars for the first month and you will lock your spot . We've already had someone do that and group 13 is already shaping up to be awesome . Start 2024 off right .
Tomorrow for episode number 1,545, . Alan wanted to do this episode based on a book that he's reading what's always been true about you . So that is a little bit connected to what we talked about today . So make sure you tune in tomorrow for that episode .
As always , we love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you , and at NLU we don't have fans , we have family . We will talk to you all tomorrow .
Keep doing the work Next up on nation .
Boom . Strong work Might have been my favorite one we've ever recorded .
Yep .