#1535 - Is There A Way To Use Comparison In A Positive Way?

Make sure you listen to that episode , if you didn't , and you hear that title and Feel some type of way , because I think it will .

So Alan and I were having a conversation recently and for a long time Alan was not going on other podcasts because he was working on Coaching and coaching the team and , as he says , building the business . I don't know what that means Probably not a lot , it's probably just hanging out .

And I said , alan , I think it would be really beneficial for you to go on other podcasts because I think it's gonna be really good for your self-worth . I said when I Was in the prime of doing these podcast tours for lack of better phrasing , and I was going on 15 , 20 shows a Week , that happened .

But I think it would be really good for you to get out there and see how other podcasts are doing , because I know you're only comparing , usually to where you want us to be in 20 years . I have the benefit of going and being interviewed or Doing a coaching call with someone and saying , oh my goodness , I know I beat us up a lot .

I know that I'm usually unsatisfied with our level of growth or I'm I'm grateful for what we have been ambitious for where we're going . But I think that perspective is valuable because I

Don't know how else are you gonna figure out how far along you are . I Know when we look at social media , unfortunately , we're usually comparing to something that's just not realistic . But I don't necessarily think comparison has to be bad .

If you're comparing to where you are today versus where you were five years ago and it's upward in the trend line , that's probably positive . If , if you have a relationship and Every time you meet with your friends they're always complaining about their partner , how they don't understand them , they don't value them , they don't Try to empathize with them .

It might not be bad to say , wow , I'm really really super grateful for the way that my partner and I interact . I Don't always and this is the collective you saying this to yourself I don't always realize how good I have it , until I realize how bad other people have it or how not ideal other people have it . So again , there's a lot of buzzwords .

There's a lot of phrases , buzz phrases around Comparison don't compare yourself to other people . Comparison is the thief of joy . If you're comparing to the wrong things , yeah , but I do think there are constructive ways to use comparison . Now , when I say comparison , I'm not saying judgment .

When I go on podcasts , I'm not judging these other podcasters for where they are , but I it helps me be very , very grateful for where we are , because on the day-to-day it doesn't always feel like we're winning . We're winning . Often times it feels like we're losing . So that is my goal in today's episode . I knew I was gonna adore this topic .

So strong work , kev . Thank you so much for giving me that public Compliment . You're welcome . I'm sure behind the scenes you will take it back and recant it , but I do appreciate it for this moment .

said can I go to jujitsu ?

So the reason I love this topic of is because I actually think that Everyone first and foremost is everyone is comparing . It's impossible not to . The human mind compares , it always will and always has .

You don't know what a hot bucket of water is until you've felt a cold one , and there's a study that was done where they took students , put their hands in really a hot bucket of water and a cold bucket of water , and then they took their hands out and put them in two of the same temperature water and even though it was the same temperature , one of them

felt hot , one of them felt cold . So what it's called as your perception apparatus is the scientific term , but really what it's saying is that there is no objective reality , there's only your perception of it , and what I mean by that is you don't really know what a mansion is until you've also looked at a shack .

You don't know what a mega yacht is until you've been on a regular yacht , and you don't know what a regular yacht is until you've been on a little paddle boat . And it's just very important for all of us to understand that the only way to conceptualize and flourish within the world is to

experience all the different spectrums and so we think black and white , we think up and down , we think left and right , we think good and bad . But in the world there's a huge spectrum , and Kev's talking a lot about jujitsu he's gonna go to jujitsu tonight and there's white belts and purple belts and I don't know the belts .

But the reason there's a belt is because there's a full spectrum of skill levels so that you don't always fight a black belt and get your butt kicked all the time , because if all you do is lose , you're gonna feel terrible and it's gonna crush your self-worth . But if you're only ever fighting beginners , you're gonna think you're amazing , when you're not .

It's the big fish , small pond , versus small fish , huge ocean . And that's why we have middle school and then high school and then college and then corporate , because it's set up to where , if you would jump from middle school to corporate , you'd get eaten alive .

I remember when I was working for a company called iRobot it's one of the more if you've ever heard of the Roomba . People know the Roomba more than they know iRobot and a lot of them are like isn't that a Will Smith movie from the early 2000s ? And the answer is yes . And it's awesome , oh my God damn robots .

John Great movie , I think honestly , but anyways , so it was ahead of its time . It was ahead of its time . So I worked for a company called iRobot and back then everyone was like isn't that a Will Smith movie ? I'm like you know , the Roomba , the vacuum . Preparing for Thanksgiving , we actually unleashed our Roomba . We've been using it ever since .

But anyways , I actually tested all the knockoffs against our robot , our robot , I robot's robot . At the time . I was you know our robot , but I actually did a test against what's the ? Just from my curiosity .

So the point of that story was I was in rooms that were way above my pay grade , way above my consciousness , way above my capabilities , and my aunt at the time she said what'd you think of that meeting , cause she worked there too . And I said oh , I was just in a meeting that no 20 year old should ever be in . This is awesome .

I was just soaking it all up , right . Anyways , comparison you don't really know how businesses run until you experience it . You don't really know what it's like to be in a mansion until you experience it . You don't really know what it's like to fight a black belt until you experience it .

And so we do these comparisons in our head with no actual data , no real experience . And that's why everything , I think , is actually harder than it looks . Everything , if you watch someone on UFC or you watch someone play football or you watch someone play basketball , I'm telling you it's way harder than it looks .

It took me about 30 minutes to get three of them down , so it's definitely harder than it looks .

realized that I inadvertently just called us masters . But 1500 episodes , of course we make it look easy . You know , lights , camera , topic , go . We've done this so many times and so same with whoever was chopping onions . They probably are a chef . They've probably been doing it for 15 years . You know that kind of thing . And so back to the comparison piece .

I like the analogy of a home . Whenever you go in real estate and you go to buy a home and if you've bought a home , you know what I'm saying If you're going to , this will be valuable what the real estate agent does is they look at what's called the comps , and the comps are essentially comparable houses in the area and what that sold for .

So , for example , emilia and I , when we were already planning on hopefully by the end of 2024 , we're going to leapfrog and go to a different home and we're already planning on it mathematically , all that . But at the end of the day , we know what this home is worth based on the other ones that are selling around us .

So we're in a big condo complex and one of the homes just sold for a lot of money and that got us really excited because hopefully that stays . I don't know , because there's macro market conditions and all that .

But when it comes to comparison , you don't really know what you are worth or what your home is worth or what that water bottle is worth , unless you compare it to other things . And then the last piece , I promise .

That's how thirsty I was . We ended up finding a power aid machine and buying like six of them . It was like halfway down the mountain , it's like an abandoned power aid machine . But the point is is that your value , your self-worth , is based on a statistical comparison ?

It just is and you have to look around and you have to compare just to hopefully you're not comparing . I just want you to compare intentionally and intelligently so that you're accurate .

floor . The ceiling is the people who are the best at it . The floor is maybe the people who are quote unquote the worst at it . Here's the truth . You're probably closer to the ceiling in many things that you do not give yourself credit for . You're probably closer to the floor in some things that you don't realize yet . I think one of those can be .

I think they both can be empowering if you know how to use them . But I don't necessarily think a blanket statement of comparison is the thief of all joy . I don't think that's real , because what if you're not giving yourself the credit in a positive comparison ?

If you and I spend time together and you cook something and then you compare to what I'm cooking , you're probably going to feel really good about yourself Because I'm not a great cook and you should . You should feel really good about yourself . But maybe something else .

You might not feel that good about yourself , but that doesn't mean it's bad to compare yourself . I think it's really good to get an accurate understanding of where you land .

If you have a partner , every night when you get home , maybe they have a certain thing they do , maybe they complain about their day , maybe they Whatever Whatever it is they do , you don't know what that's like if you don't compare it to somebody else's relationship .

What has happened in the past probably more to Alan than to me because I don't speak a ton , I don't give a lot of specifics on my relationship but Alan and Emilia's relationship can be

triggering for other people because you'll hear oh , we had this conversation or this is the level of truth we have with one another .

If that forces you to compare your relationship to Alan's , that might trigger you when you say , oh , that's not what my partner is , my partner's not as into growth as Emilia , or my partner's not as into growth as Alan , or my partner's not really good at taking responsibility at that level .

But you wouldn't really understand it unless you compared it to something else , vice . So the opposite end of that . If you just left a very , very , very toxic relationship , the worst relationship you've ever been in hopefully not unimaginable things , but let's just say it wasn't great and you get into a new relationship , that is okay .

You're gonna think it's amazing because you're comparing it to your last relationship . I'm not saying that can't serve a purpose . I'm not saying that isn't a bad thing or isn't a good thing . I'm not saying any of that . But you do need the contrast to figure out how good something actually is .

One of the reasons I'm so grateful for the relationship I have right now is because I am comparing it to other relationships . One of the reasons I'm so grateful Can you talk ?

which is predicated on self-belief , as mostly yeah , as most of the stuff self-belief , self-worth . That's why we usually go back to thinking those are maybe the two most important things in the world , self-belief particularly .

I said is this , presupposing I still meet Emilia ? Because I'll go through all of it again if I have to to meet Emilia again . But if you guarantee that I meet Emilia , oh , I would change so much . I would change like 80% of my choices . Holy crap . But that's a me issue .

The point is that I always tell this to people Emilia is the greatest gift of my life , but don't they would say like I want to meet my Emilia and it's like your Emilia is out there . It's not gonna look the same , it's gonna come in a different package than you want and it's definitely gonna be different than what I have .

That doesn't mean better or worse . It means contextual to who you are and this has actually been a real problem and I know some of our listeners will resonate deeply with this .

We've had listeners in the past that compare their relationships to Kevin and I's relationship and that can be a dangerous game , because what you need to compare to is the way we used to be . This is the benefit . We have a real advantage and I want to be very honest with this .

Not everyone has 1,530 episodes contemplating their own emotional immaturity , their own poor choices . I mean Kevin and I get better for a living . If you have a husband or a wife that goes to work where the epicenter , the core of what they do , is not to go get better , they have a huge disadvantage .

Because if you want the most well-rounded , holistically well-developed man or woman as your partner and you're comparing to Kevin and I , it's gonna be very hard . I mean , imagine the version of Kevin that still worked at that other job . There's no way this Kevin could .

This Kevin is 100 times more than that Kevin , just because the very nature of your work is to get better . And the version of me that still worked at iRobot or , you know , sonsata Technologies or Cognix that version could never meet .

This version could never compare to this version , because this version it is literally our job to grow as a person and to lead by example , and so we have a huge advantage when it comes to who we become as men , and so you gotta be very careful with comparison . But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it .

Comparison's gonna bring you new data , new data you're gonna hopefully contextualize properly and then that's gonna help you move forward . But if you're thinking you're gonna find a Kevin , that is dangerous unless you're gonna aim for a Kevin eventually in the future based on where you are now , because Kevin couldn't attract a Kevin until he became this version .

I hope that that landed . I know that's , but I have a podcast about relationships and I run into this a lot with couples of well , I want someone like Kevin or someone like Emilia or someone like Taryn or someone like you , and it's listen , you have to first become like us , but your own unique version , and then you can attract that .

But you can't expect that at the beginning , because neither could we . I mean , it took me 30 years to get to a place where I could attract Emilia and I always joke she's seven years younger than me , which we laugh about sometimes because she brought a painting to Thanksgiving .

Her mom brought a painting that she did when she was like a little kid and she showed me it . It says 2002 . And it's like her as like a seven year old , you know , and I just see 2002 and I'm like , yeah , excellent painting , you know , because it's like her at seven and I'm like 12 at that point , right , so it was just a funny moment .

But anyways , I always joke about me at 35 can be with Emilia at 29, . But there's no way me at 29 could have attracted Emilia at 29 . There's no way . And I was less mature . Her at 29 is way more emotionally mature , way more well-developed than me at 29 . And that's just facts . I mean , I look back at old photos

and it's alarming .

You're better than I was at 20 episodes in that . So that is my next level nugget for this episode . You have to compare to accuracy , you have to compare to truth . You have to compare to a certain time on the timeline if it's actually gonna be valuable . If you're a new podcaster , go listen to episode one .

If you're a new business owner , listen to older episodes where we were new in business . If you're new in a relationship and this is your first relationship that was me when I was 16 and I had no idea what I was doing Maybe younger , 15 , 14 . I don't even know . But that comparison can be powerful as long as you're using it in an aligned way .

I wanna make sure that that lands because , just like anything else , social media has downsides but it has upsides . Technology has downsides but it has upsides .

There's a lot of things out there that , if we use them incorrectly , they will hurt us , and there are some things that , no matter what , may hurt us , but I don't think comparison has to be one of them . I think there's definitely a lot of room for growth and experimentation and , as you know , one of my favorite things in the world contrast .

What is your next level nugget , sir , before we ?

And when I was 15 , I remember looking at that going I am the worst , like why don't I have any muscles , why am I short , why am I , you know ? So again to Kevin's point , same next level nugget If you're gonna compare , just make sure you're comparing 15 to 15 and not 15 to 35 .

And please don't compare yourself to Brad Pitt and Troy in 2004 , like I did , because he was 42 years old and I was 88 to 16, . I was 16 years old . So make sure your comparison is accurate , that's all .

An amazing group of amazing humans who want growth , vulnerability , perspective , as I say a million times in episode , but they want to be the next level versions of themselves . It's

very clear . If you're listening to this , you want that as well . Make sure you're surrounding yourself with other people that do , as also , link will be in the show notes and we'd love to see you there .

We're also bringing books for babes , a full box of books for the kids , and we're gonna be wrapping presents . Footballs , basketballs , frisbees I forget what's the ball toss game called , what the one with the two handle , and there's- .

Check the link out at the in the show notes , and there's a video from last year , and the video from last year shows you how much fun we had and how awesome it was . So it's for kids with single parents to help the single parents make the holidays special and please contribute . And if we already hit our goal , maybe you can contribute next time .

As always , we love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you , and at NLU we do it out of fans . We have family . We will talk to you all tomorrow .