#1484 - Why Being Vulnerable Is So Hard

I was on a podcast recently and really this has kind of been an analogy example story I've been using .

Usually I tell my story about how I grew up without a father , decided not to go to college , worked a bunch of odd jobs after high school , ended up getting a Financially lucrative job in my early 20s and I still ended up sitting on the edge of a bed having suicidal ideations In my mid-20s .

So I usually go through that , that full story , just so people understand how this is all happened , and I always get to the point where I say so I reached out to Alan and I said , hey , man , this is how I'm feeling , this is what I'm dealing with . I don't know what to do right at this point .

Alan was kind of mentoring me , low-key , behind the scenes , and Alan said many things . But in his wisdom he said over the last few years your awareness has changed a ton , but your environments have remained the same . I think it's time for you to change your environment . Something like that .

And one of the questions I get asked very often is how did you be so vulnerable with Alan ? And For a long time I didn't really know how to answer . It's like I don't know . I just did . I just was Alan . I knew each other at a pretty deep level and what I . I kept thinking about it because I want to .

I want it to be a valuable answer , because I think there's a lot of people that have been in that position . I now say you do not build the umbrella during the storm . You build the umbrella long before it starts raining so you can use it when it does . All I mean by that is one of the reasons vulnerability is so hard .

It's almost like you get to the point eventually where you tap into a moment and realize , oh , I really need vulnerability right now , but I haven't acquired the skill or practice the skill over the last 15 years . For me , it's not like I had to be super vulnerable in that moment with you . I just had to tell you how I was feeling .

I have done that many times at that point . So it wasn't really vulnerable for me because I felt safe doing it , I'm sure in the very beginning . One of the other questions I asked Alan early on was hey man , I have $15,000 in my bank account and I have a $7,000 credit card balance . Should I pay that off ? And he said what's your interest rate ?

And I said like 20 something percent and he's like , do you have enough money ? I said yeah , no , I still have like seven grand in the bank . He said yeah , what the hell are you doing ? Yeah , you should pay it off Nicer than that . But I'm sure at that point maybe that was a vulnerable question for me to ask .

So what I really want this episode to be about is vulnerability is hard

to the level that you've avoided it . It's almost like as life gets more challenging and we practice vulnerability less , it actually gets harder to be vulnerable later on . So that's part one and then part two being vulnerable is hard if you have people around you that you don't feel safe with . It's almost like it's a good example of this .

You could come up with the best fast food restaurant idea in the world , but if you put it in the wrong place , like say you live in a let's just say , hypothetically there's a state that is completely vegan and there's no meat eaters in that state and you come up with this amazing barbecue restaurant and it's awesome , it's a great idea and if it went somewhere

else it might be super successful . It's not gonna do well there , it's gonna bomb . So the environment is dictating the results . I think vulnerability is very similar , where if you don't feel comfortable around someone , it's even more resistance . So I would say the right person makes vulnerability easier , the wrong person makes it nearly impossible .

And I think that's another important thing . A lot of us , our relationships , aren't built on vulnerability . We don't have necessarily a vulnerable relationship with our parents . We don't have a vulnerable relationship with our friends . That's been a very now I understand the male friends I do have in my life .

The more vulnerable we are with each other , the closer we are . I've always had that saying , not always . I've had that saying for the last , however , many years . I believe the level of your relationships is directly connected to the level of vulnerability in them .

I think one of the reasons you and I are so close is because I actually know who you are behind the scenes and I know how you feel and I know what you're afraid of and I know your triggers and your traumas . That's important too . So I would say the two big reasons that we'll touch on here .

One we don't plan for the need to be vulnerable when we're not . So just to tie that up with a bow , hopefully right now you might feel like you're crushing it 10 out of 10 . Right , you feel confident . You feel confident . Things are going really , really well . You should be practicing vulnerability now , because it's going to be easier .

It'll be easier now than when your back is up against the wall and that's the only tool you have . And then part two with the right people , I think vulnerability is easier with the wrong people . I think it is . I don't want to say impossible , but it might feel impossible .

I want to say it was in the hundreds or the two hundreds I forget when , but our very first studio was actually my sister's old bedroom , way , way , way back in the early , hyper conscious podcast days , and I remember Kevin and Taryn were dating .

I don't I know that you weren't married at the time , I don't know if you were just starting dating or what , but you two , I think , yeah , I think you were official at that point Facebook official and you had watched Brené Brown's Netflix special on vulnerability , which I've recommended not the Netflix special , because I haven't seen it .

I can't recommend something I haven't seen , but I do recommend the power of vulnerability . It's on audible , it's an audio program and there's six hour long sessions . They're unreasonably good , super , super important . The reason I'm sharing this , though , is because it Kevin and I are sitting there in the studio and we're doing an episode .

We used to have these episodes called small talks , and we would pick a word and we would go deeper on , deep on it . Invulnerability was one of the words , and I remember I told Kev on that episode vulnerably that I had never . I didn't even know what it was and you were talking .

You opened the episode with you know , taren , and I watched this Netflix special with Brené Brown about vulnerability and I said what does vulnerability even mean ? And it's so interesting to me now , as an almost 35 year old man who vulnerability is such a critical part of my life . Now Emilia and I do relationship talks , virtual events .

We have a podcast called the conscious couples podcast . All these events that we do , all these podcast episodes that we do . You know how to make your relationship flourish .

You know how to not fight in your relationship , how to communicate better in your relationship , how to deepen the intimacy in your relationship , how to have deeper emotional connection in your relationship .

All these how to , episodes , events , all of them are vulnerability , dude the trust , communication , vulnerability those I mean , if you want a flourishing relationship , friendship , intimate relationship , family , you name it . Those are the three communication , trust and vulnerability . And

every single event . We were on a walk last night preparing for not next week's event , but the week after . It's our 27th event and it's like how do we talk about something different than vulnerability ? Because a lot of our attendees come to these events repeatedly and we don't want to be saying the same exact thing every time . But what's you know ?

We sit there and we ask okay , the name of the event is how to have deeper emotional connection in your relationship . Okay , awesome , we're sitting there brainstorming what we want to talk about and I'm sitting there going . We just talked about vulnerability last event .

Is there any way to have deeper emotional connection in your intimate relationship without vulnerability ? Okay , well , I guess that's going to be one of the points . So if you're like me and you didn't know what vulnerability was for the first 25 years of your life , 28 years , 27 years , whatever first quarter of your life , then you're in for a treat .

If you're not like me and you were not in your childhood emotionally immature , then you know what vulnerability is and you probably practice it . But do the people in your life practice it ? Because in hindsight I look back and you know just high level here grew up in an environment with very little vulnerability .

I think my mom showed some , but my sister and stepdad showed none . Then my friends definitely not , especially my male friends . Vulnerability is not statistically a male quality , unfortunately . And then , working at a golf course ? Absolutely not , right Zero . You know it's all status , no , no vulnerability .

And then you go into corporate and I remember I worked for a company that had 90% men and so in hindsight it's very clear vulnerability was not only not something I was aware of , not something that was on my radar , but not something that I saw modeled in my environment very well .

And so we all look back on our lives and , on next level , university , we're constantly reflecting , and Kevin and I are not just here to talk about our past , to talk about our experiences , to talk about ourselves .

We're here to reflect with you as a listener , and when we reflect back on our lives and I hope you're doing the same , if you're watching or viewing

this but you look back and go okay , was vulnerability on my radar ? Okay , no , not really . Was it unconsciously on my radar ? Was it modeled that ? I have anyone in my life who really showcased vulnerability ? Okay , not really , but most likely you probably don't feel super safe to be vulnerable , and maybe that's the third question .

This is my next little nugget , which is a question which is how safe did you feel growing up to be vulnerable ? Very last part of this , I was on the phone yesterday with a NLUT member

and her husband is struggling to be vulnerable . It doesn't do well with his emotions . He really is , in my opinion , slightly emotionally immature and again , I know that sounds unkind , but I'm saying first that I was too so guilty as charged .

Now she was crying with me behind the scenes about some things , a couple of things that he said that he didn't mean to hurt her , but he did XYZ . Now I said did you show him the level of vulnerability that you just showed me , like , does he know ? Does he see you cry like this ?

And she said no , not really , but I don't really feel safe to be vulnerable . And I said what if you could be vulnerable ? What if you could show him how much he's affecting you , because he's not going to transform and change if he doesn't know that you're hurt .

So what if you and now don't get me wrong if you do this and it doesn't go well , that's a possibility . That is a possibility . Maybe he is unkind to you when you're , you know , kick you while you're down , type of thing .

I don't think that's the case , though I said , I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with how much he transforms when you show him how much he's unintentionally hurting you . And what's ironic and this happens for all of us is you're expecting him to try to come up in vulnerability , but yet you're not willing to model it .

And I get why because the places we need vulnerability the most are usually the places where it's the hardest . And that goes back to Kevin's original point , which is you have to practice with training wheels first . So who's the person in your life who you feel like you can be vulnerable with practice there , and then you just get good at it .

You just eventually are . I cried my eyes out on a team huddle , I think , like for like a half an hour . It was quite obnoxious , but I didn't start there . I didn't start there . That was six years of practice leading to that one moment and it was uncomfortable , but not really . Plus , it is the NLU team , so I feel really safe there .

So , yeah , you got to practice it , and it's a staircase , don't try to . No one's going to start there . You know what I mean ? I didn't either . So same Same .

It doesn't trigger me to tell that story , so it's not necessarily as vulnerable for me as you might think and that's just because , to Alan's point , I've practiced it enough Practice , practice , practice , practice , practice . So I think that's it's one of those things that experience Experience is always going to outweigh the studying of it .

You can study vulnerability forever . I remember the first time before I went snowboarding , I watched YouTube videos on how to snowboard and then when I got on the snowboard , I was like those didn't help . I don't know if those helped me at all . Those might have actually made it worse . You can't , really you can't watch a YouTube video on how to swim .

You can get ideas and it's almost like you can get guardrails , but when you jump in the pool you got to feel it . You have to feel it for yourself and I think vulnerability is another good example of that . That would be my next love nugget . What is your next love nugget ? You asked the question , but is there another or is that the one ?

But that's just insane to me because I'm not close to that level yet and I think vulnerability is the same way . So Kevin and I are pretty consistently complimented on him more than me but on our level of vulnerability , I think , statistically speaking , men tend to be less vulnerable

Rub some dirt in it , type of stuff that we grew up with . The tough , stoic man with no tears . Real men don't feel . You know , it's funny . My next love nugget would be practice being . I think the most vulnerable thing is being who you really are .

For some reason that's the scariest , because then , when we get attacked or hurt or disappoint others or whatever going back to the last episode that's when it hurts the most , because that's who we really are and I think we're all insecure about who we really are and I think the level that you overcome that insecurity will be the extent to which you are vulnerable

and courageous . That's it .

It means life overall , but love , health and wealth . You get better at all those , not just externally , internally , because everything is an internal , external connection . Next elimination Friendly reminder tomorrow is the first call for the 12th round of group coaching . So it's Monday .

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Tomorrow for episode number 1,478 , how aligned is your grind ? There's a lot going on on the social media channels and the social media world about not working hard and only doing what you want . As you know , heart driven but no BS . Here at NLU , we're going to hopefully take a heart driven but no BS approach to that topic tomorrow .

As always , we love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you , and at NLU we get out of fans , we have family . We'll talk to you all tomorrow .