#1464 - The Hardest Thing To Learn About Love…

Long before I was hyper conscious podcast Speaker coach kev , I was just a guy who enjoyed helping people . I've always enjoyed helping people , even though sometimes I didn't really know how to help them and I don't know if I , if what I was telling them , was actually helping them .

But I remember I had someone who I had dated , and this is where my life gets really weird . I dated someone and After it was more a friends with benefits situation . I'll just say that Taren loves when I talk about my friends with benefits on the podcast . It was a friends with benefits situation , but we were actually really friends .

And when we stopped hanging out , this person a few months later met someone and they they would message me and say , hey , what do you think's going on here or what are your thoughts on this ? And I took it very seriously . It was like hmm , I know a lot of . So it was a A woman who is dating a man . I know a lot of guys .

I can probably figure out some of the behavior that's happening based on what I've seen from my friends and other Relationships are having the date doctor having the date doctor , nice I like that nice brand , that you're the relationship guy now . So you're far ahead of me in the coaching when it comes to that .

But at the time I Didn't know anything else really , and there are just some relationship Fundamentals that just always made sense to me always . So I remember having this very difficult conversation with this person .

I said look , it's , it's very clear that you're focused on this relationship and you're focused on growing and being a better partner and being Having a higher level of communication and just increasing the quality of the relationship . I have to keep it real with you .

Not all relationships are going to succeed and , truthfully , unless your partner changes like everything about themselves , I don't think yours is either . That was a very hard thing to tell that person because this person was a sweet human being and the person she was with was toxic . He was , he was not a good person , he just wasn't , he was not a good man .

And that was the the conversation we had . I said , look I know we hear this all the time love conquers all . Everything works with love . And I said , at the end of the day , love is great , I enjoy love thoroughly , it's amazing , and it's amazing thing to have in your life . It does not fix all problems .

That is what we're talking about today in this trigger warning . This is . This might be a little bit heavy . The hardest thing to learn about love is it doesn't always work , unfortunately . It doesn't conquer all , and Love is a feeling , love is an energy .

But there's a lot that goes into staying in love , going deeper into love , remaining in love over the long run , and I just know there's a lot of amazing people out there listening right now who they're doing a ton of work and you're listening and you're tracking habits and you're trying to Figure out .

Figure out the negative parts of your ego and the positive parts of your ego . But if your partner's not doing the work you are , there is an unfortunate chance that the relationship will not succeed .

Heart driven , but no BS truth that we want to deliver today the first thing I want to share here is what I told Kevin behind the scenes , which is I love this topic . The reason I love this topic is because it's a hard truth that I think can free everyone in a way , and it certainly , I think when we're young , we're taught that love conquers all .

And you know these , these sort of little quips or fortune cookie quotes that that are affirming and supportive , and I get why they exist , but they're not fully accurate . They may have some truth , but they're not the whole truth .

And I think that , instead of a blue pen , kevin and I want to describe that this is not just a blue pen , this is a navy , royal blue ballpoint pen that is also a gel pen with a gel grip the person who uses that second tool is going to be much more effective , and so , instead of love conquers all , it's love is one part of a relationship .

That is absolutely critical . But the quote that I want to replace it with is relationships don't work unless you put in the work . So , kevin , you and I interviewed Tori let . Oh , she's a friend of ours , she spoke on one of our stages and she does and studies relationship . She does relationship , family therapy . She is a clinician .

She's worked with hundreds , if not thousands , of couples , and at this stage I've actually worked with dozens , if not hundreds , of couples .

So it's so clear to me and for those of you who don't get the chance to work with this many different couples , this many different people from this many different countries , from this many different backgrounds , like Tori and myself , it might not make as much sense . And you might think you're the only one .

One of my favorite things about being a coach is I get to tell people this is not a you issue . This is an issue . This is not a you problem , this is a relationship problem . So you're not the only one who is deeply in love , and that's not enough .

As as as pessimistic as that might sound , all's I'm saying is that if you're not doing the work on yourself , if your partner is not doing the work on themselves , and if you two are not working on improving the relationship , the relationship is not going to flourish . It's just not . And so I've coached a bunch of different couples .

And to go back to the Tori thing we asked Tori when we interviewed her I don't know what episode it was , but it was in the early hundreds , probably 200s , and she said one of the things that I think is most fascinating about relationships is with our careers , we understand we have to work hard to be successful with fitness .

We understand we have to work hard in the gym to get in shape , but for some reason , with relationships we think they're just gonna work without hard work . And she says it's just not true , it's just false , it's just inaccurate and I think it's , you know , a little bit naive for us to think that .

So there's three buckets that I put each couple in and maybe you're in one of these three buckets and you can transform out of these two . So this is not like you're fixed and I'm labeling you and you're just stuck forever . None of that . The first is bucket one .

This is a couple where neither partner are really working on themselves and they're just coasting and the relationship is usually a lot of fun . Maybe you met in high school , maybe you met after college , maybe you met in college , but you are not really proactively building yourselves , developing yourselves , developing each other and building a magnificent life together .

It's kind of stumble upon , we had a good time together , fell in love , kind of thing , and again , that's bucket one . Not making that wrong , I've been there too . But that's bucket one . Bucket two is one partner is working on themselves and on the relationship . The other partner is reluctant to work on themselves .

I have one couple I'm thinking of that the husband came to his wife and literally said I'm not really into personal development

, I don't really care about personal growth like you do . I don't really want to work on myself , and maybe that will change one day , but right now I just don't . That's bucket two . Bucket two a lot of our conscious couples podcast listeners .

So Emilia and I have another podcast called the conscious couples podcast and a lot of our listeners struggle with that second bucket because they're listening to a podcast about how to improve the relationship .

But one of the unfortunate truths is is that if your husband or your wife or your , your partner is not also working on themselves and the relationship , it can be very difficult . It can feel a lot like trying to drag a dumpster up a mountain , and I've been there too , by the way . Bucket three is awesome . Bucket three is what I hope for everyone .

Bucket three is what I'm fortunate to be in now with Emilia , where she is working on herself every single day to a drastic extent . She has a therapist . She has coaches . I'm one of her coaches . She's just constantly working on herself , where I'm doing the same , and we both also proactively work on the relationship .

So bucket one is neither partner is really working on themselves or the relationship . They're kind of coasting . Bucket two is one partner is working really hard on themselves and trying to improve the relationship and bucket three is both partners are .

Unfortunately for Kevin and myself , we've finally gotten to bucket three , but trust me , we did not start there , and so the question becomes how do we get people into bucket three ?

I want you to imagine that Alan is sitting in the front of this canoe and I am sitting on the back and Alan is paddling on the left side of the canoe and I am paddling on the right side of the canoe . If number one , if I don't paddle , we're just going to go in circles . If I paddle on the same side as Alan , we're going to go in faster circles .

Maybe I don't know , I don't really know the logistics of that , the physics of that . Probably not going to be great If you could bet on somebody . So if there's two canoes Alan and I who are just all over the place , we're not on the same page . I am on one end paddling , he's on the other .

Sometimes I'm not paddling at all , I might be trying to tip the canoe and on the other , so on the other side of the racing line , there's somebody who is just perfect , one side , one side , one side , one side . That's a really good example of a relationship that is going to make it the distance , and one that's just going to stay stuck .

This is the saddest part . You might internalize that as oh , I can't quote , unquote fix my partner . I can't seem to make any headway on this . It doesn't mean you're not growing a ton . It just might mean that that other person isn't the right person for you .

That's the hardest thing to tell someone is look , you can love something that doesn't serve you 100% . You can love something toxic . You can love something that's not great for you . You can love something that's not going to be around forever , unfortunately .

But you have to have that real talk with yourself of am I working on myself as much as I can on a scale of one to 10 ? How much ? Nine out of 10 are awesome , good for you , good for you on a scale of one to 10 . How much is your partner working on themselves to out of 10 ?

Okay , on a scale of one to 10 , how well have you done in communicating the difference in the fear and potential uncertainty and insecurity with vulnerability between those two numbers ? I feel like I've done a really good job . Just nothing's changed . Maybe it's time for a deeper conversation , and that's just the hard thing .

Now , of course , you can go to therapy and you can hire a coach like Alan or go see Tori Aletto . I would recommend both of them highly , alan and Emilia . I want to make sure I give Emilia credit , definitely . Alan and , emilia , yeah , but there's no guarantee that that's going to work Just like .

This is another good thought you can hire a business coach .

example . Unfortunately , you can work really , really hard on yourself and you can work really , really hard on your relationship , but if the person on the other side is not doing the same , it might not last . The reason relationships are so hard is because there's two people .

Going for a run is as challenging as your level of fitness and cardiovascular health and the path that you choose . It's just , it's you against you and the environment when you're in a relationship . It's you against you and it's you against your partner being against themself , and it's them against whatever they're going through .

There's a lot more factors that play into this . So , again , a very heavy episode . I do enjoy doing these as well , because I think sometimes this is what you need to hear . Not necessarily what you want to hear , but I have people in mind right now that I'm thinking of that .

I hope they hear this and I hope it resonates with them , because I've been in this too . I've had these situations . I've had the situations where I was working on myself diligently and Trying to work on the , the partnership , and it just didn't work . I've also been in the other side when I had a partner

who worked very hard on themselves and worked very hard on the relationship , and I was just not ready . I was just not ready to do it . I wasn't capable of that yet , or at least I didn't . I didn't feel capable .

It was yellow , it was not red . So red is toxic . You can't win there , no matter what you do . There's no point like just leave , and that's the hard truth . So if you know you're in a red situation , you really do have to just Cut ties . As hard as that is I've been there as well it's the worst .

It's the worst Because you want to believe it's not red , but deep down you know it is . It's like the worst . Okay , she was in a yellow situation , which what I mean by that is she wasn't really flourishing to her full potential and her partner definitely wasn't either and he was kind of holding her back . But not not toxic , not in a toxic way .

This is a good , good guy , good dude , and we actually did some really ship talks , coaching with them and they were . He wasn't toxic , she wasn't toxic . They were just very incompatible . They didn't have any goals in common . Their core values were definitely not in common .

This person was not nearly as growth oriented as as my client and fast-forward , fast-forward , fast-forward . Eventually she leaves him and they both go off to their own thing . She's in lonely land what we referred to as lonely land for quite a long time , probably I guess it wasn't that long probably six months . Six months .

She was alone and working on herself and she's like is anyone gonna be out there and am I ever gonna find my person ? And that whole doubt Land of I don't know if this is gonna work . And again , I've been there too . Prior to meeting you , milia , I was definitely there . I was like is this ever gonna happen ? Am I gonna be alone till I'm 50 ?

And so , anyways , fast-forward , fast-forward , fast-forward . She meets someone and I have since heard many , many things about this person . I haven't met him personally yet , but I was talking to this person recently . We were on a coaching call and I said how obvious is it to you now that that last Relationship was just never gonna work ?

She said 10 out of 10 . I would kick my own ass if I could go back in time . That was what she said . Now , hindsight is 2020 . I have a partner where I , if I could go back and talk to me , I'd be like dude , wake up , like leave now . This is never gonna work . You are , this is pipe dream stuff . You need to wake up . Santa Claus is not real .

Now , that wasn't that extreme for her , but at the end of the day , I told her and this was really hard for me because I was coaching her while she was with this other partner and I said honestly , in my honest opinion , if you want to achieve these dreams and you want to maximize your potential , there's just no way . I don't want to say this .

Most people will never tell you this . Most people aren't even aware of this . I coach enough people . There's just no way . There's just

no way unless something drastically changes to Kevin's original point , unless this person changes everything about themselves which , by the way , they shouldn't have to do . They shouldn't have to change everything about themselves . That's fair .

You're a unicorn , you're very unique and and you need to find another person as unique Maybe not as unique , but at least more so than this . So , anyways , I fast-forward , fast-forward , fast-forward . I'm on the call and I asked her . I said isn't it interesting how what I told you back then is so , 10 out of 10 , obvious to you now . And she said , yeah .

I said now here's the killer question , that the the million dollar question . What isn't obvious to you now ? That is still obvious to me . What is it obvious to either of us now that we're missing ?

And so this older version of her that didn't want to admit that this wasn't going to work , that didn't want to leave her partner because she loved him , that wanted to believe love was enough . She had to let that bar go . She had to evolve , she had to grow , she had to face the hard truth and when she did , she had to face Lonely Land for six months .

And now she's in a relationship where , when she looks back at her past relationship , she wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole , because now she knows the difference . This is the problem we don't know what we don't know . I've been in relationships in the past that were awful . They were just awful in comparison to my relationship with Emilia .

But I had never met Emilia , so I had never been in a magnificent relationship before . So you don't know any different . You don't know any different . But deep down , intuitively , you kind of have this thing that's saying you know what , alan , there's got to be more than this . This can't be it for you . There's no way that this is all you're meant for .

And if you have that intuitive whisper , kevin and I talk about how the whisper eventually becomes a scream If you have that intuitive whisper , you got to answer it , even if that means you only leave your partner for a couple of weeks just to see , and then you realize I made a mistake and then you guys get back together .

There's a lot of value in taking a leap of faith and , no matter what , you're going to get more information , because I know that there's a lot of couples we coach where it's like , well , as soon as I leave him , he's going to transform everything . I said I know , but the irony is you're sitting there thinking he's going to transform while he has you .

It's not going to happen . A lot of people are transformed after pain , so I'm not going to tell anyone what to do . I hope you can identify which bucket you're in . Bucket one is you're deeply in love , but

you're kind of coasting . Neither one of you is really working on yourself . That's probably not you , because you're listening to this podcast . Bucket two is one of you is really working hard to try to be better and create a better life and create a better relationship .

And bucket three is both of you are flourishing and , yeah , you're struggle bus because you're working on yourselves and growing and growing pains are there , but your relationship is flourishing as a byproduct of growth . And if you're not in bucket three , the only wrong answer , in my opinion , is to sit back and not take a look .

Then you have a pattern , something that is fairly consistent , and then a law , something that is like a guarantee when Alan and I travel . It is a law that we look for a gym . The first thing we do when we travel together . We always work out .

It would be an absolute anomaly for us to eat at a restaurant when we travel together , because I don't know if we've ever done that . We don't think we . Yeah , I don't know if you and I have ever eaten in a restaurant together . That would be an absolute anomaly . We went one time , fridays , with the cope daddy . That was five years ago .

Because , at the end of the day , to Alan's point , the last , I don't want you to do anything different based on this episode , but I do want it to be an opportunity for you to think about it and just say , wow , I've been , I've been waiting on this for six years and nothing has changed . But I've grown so much and I feel like I have to lessen myself .

So again , heavy episode , a lot of contemplation , hopefully , but sometimes that's all you can do . You don't have to make a new decision today . You can have a new distinction , and there's nothing wrong with that .

Those three , in my opinion and in hindsight , I was emotionally mature in my , you know , teens and twenties Courage , humility and vulnerability . If you don't have high levels of that , I don't believe your relationship will flourish . I Really don't . And so if your partner doesn't have humility , courage and vulnerability or you don't , look in , look at that first .

If you ever want to bounce a question off of somebody , I'm my DMs are always open shoot me a , shoot me a message . You don't have to do it alone . You can . You can get feedback from other people and I can promise you if you are getting feedback from us , it's from a non non-judgmental place .

Obviously , at this point , we've heard a lot of stories and we've just had a lot of Experiences shared with clients and community members , so you are safe in that . Tomorrow for episode number 1465 , juggling emotion and logic , I Am very excited for that . I .