#1462 - How To Improve Your Relationship Flexibility

The reason I'm smiling , alan , is because I have my beanie on , because it is becoming quickly fall in New England and this is just a vibe I'm in right now .

So I took Taryn to Kenny bunkport , maine , last weekend and it was my job to plan a date . I wanted to plan a date as an early birthday present for her . Her birthday is actually this week . When I was doing it , this was my thought . I am not going to plan a date that I would want to do by myself .

I am going to plan a date that I would never do alone , but I would do with Taryn , because I know how much she enjoys Different things than I do . I would never go to Kenny bunkport Maine on my own , or would probably with a group of friends either . That might not be what we're into .

Quote-unquote , I never would have gone to a train museum Without Taryn . I just I'm not into trains . I'm not into history as much as she is . I am slowly becoming into history as much as she is .

But when I was thinking to myself what would make a really good date , there was a part of me that had resistance towards doing it , because I knew it was way outside of the normal for what I would do . Driving an hour and a half and going on a Trolley tour and going to this train place and going to a place we never been before . That's not my normal .

If I was planning a date for me , that's not what I would have done , but that doesn't mean I shouldn't do that for Taryn . So if you're in a relationship and you find that you and your partner value things differently which most partnerships do , I would .

I would say , when you want to increase your flexibility , your relationship flexibility , it's probably gonna come from a place of what is the normal , what is something I'm very , very comfortable with . What would I do on my own , okay . What would my partner do on their own , okay .

How do I bridge the gap and how do I meet Somewhere in the middle with my partner ? One of the things Taryn's done with her family before her mom they go to this lavender farm . Now , I would never go to a lavender farm on my own .

Taryn would definitely go to one on her own if I can bridge the gap and say well , she would really enjoy if I brought her there , knowing that I would never go there on my own .

That's also a wonderful way to show Thoughtfulness and caring , because your partner knows probably that you wouldn't do this on your own , so I think that also increases the Appreciation that they have for that . So that's what we're talking about today how to improve your relationship of flexibility and when you do you actually so .

I'm talking a lot about the pendulum lately . Five is flexible . Five is here's what I love , here's what you love , here's what we both love . And Then how do you bounce between those three ? And so Emilia and I , we were in South Carolina once . We went on a trip and she

had talked to a colleague at the time this is back when she was working for a company called Alchemy . She's not now Because she's gone all in on her business now , which is awesome . But you , she had been talking to a colleague and said , oh , you're going to South Carolina . And then she told her where we were going in South Carolina .

I don't even remember the town , but frankly , and she told her the town and she said , oh , you're going to the Biltmore . And she's like what , what do you mean ? No , no , we're not going to the Biltmore . She's like yeah , the Biltmore is right near there . For those of you who don't know , the Biltmore is an estate .

It's a really , really , really famous estate in the US that a lot of movies are filmed at , and if you've ever seen Hannibal Lecter , for example , that movie , the really really wealthy character in that movie is , lives in the Biltmore . It's this beautiful estate . There's gardens and it's gorgeous .

It's like a hundred acres or something , or a thousand acres , I think it's . I think it might even be 3,000 acres . I think they even own some of the mountains . I don't know the stats , I don't . It's a beautiful place , though .

Emilia , ever since she was a kid , actually had on her Pinterest and I want to say a young adult , not necessarily a kid on her Pinterest . She had photographs of the atrium , she had photographs of the gardens , she had photographs of the Biltmore .

And so it's a Friday and we call the Biltmore up and the only time they have available , the only openings for tours , is on Friday and I'm sitting there going . I have four sessions , four calls . So that's a good amount of money . That's $600 . And I asked her very simply I said sweetheart , is this bucket list level ? She said yeah .

I said we have to do it . I very , very , very rarely do this and my clients know if any of my clients are listening . I messaged four of my clients and I said listen . I explained the whole thing . I said we're in South Carolina , we're 20 minutes from this place that Emilia's wanted to go to since she was a little girl . I got a reschedule .

I got a reschedule , so I rescheduled $600 worth of calls four sessions in a row and we went to the Biltmore and it was amazing , genuinely . Now I would never have gone on my own I really wouldn't have . I'm not necessarily someone who's going to travel to some garden . Emilia loves nature . She loves gardens . It ended up being really fascinating .

It was one of those tours where you learn all about it . It was built in the early 1800s . It was really , really cool . And the gym have I always talked about . They had a gym in the Biltmore and it was an 1800s gym and it was hilarious for me to see what they used to do .

They used to have these bowling pin weights that they would like swing around , thinking it was exercise . And again it is , but it's just fascinating . So , anyways , if you've ever been to the Biltmore , you think it's amazing , like I do , and it was magnificent . If you've never been to the Biltmore , I highly recommend it .

But the point of this is being flexible . I had to move and I told her . I said , sweetheart , this is not something that I normally do . That's a big momentum hit . I don't like to let my clients down at all . I don't like to reschedule calls and this is a . You know how important is this to you ? And she said 10 out of 10 .

I said , okay , we gotta do it . And then we also ended up going to the Leonardo da Vinci exhibit which was even cooler , in my honest opinion which is right in the same estate . So it ended up being this unforgettable day . We have beautiful photographs . It's an unforgettable trip .

Now we call it the best worst trip ever because everything else was pretty much awful the Airbnb and all that . But we have a memory that will last a lifetime because I was flexible and I know she would do the same for me if there was something that was on my bucket list . And that doesn't mean that you do that every day .

That doesn't mean that you always do what she wants or he wants at the expense of yourself , but sometimes you're gonna have to and you might be pleasantly surprised with how awesome it is .

I think it was a prison in a town called Silverton , which was like they had mines and it was part of the gold rush or something I don't know . It was literally on the other side of a mountain , like you're driving on this mountain and if you go off the side of the road you are dead because it's just a drop to nothingness .

So it's like an hour and a half drive or it was wild , and when we looked at what to do , we saw this old prison exhibit and then there was this mining exhibit and it was the first time I had ever done anything like that and it was awesome . It was massive , it was like underground . It was really cool .

There was a bunch of stuff that I had never seen before . One of them was the gear that the miners wore , and it showed how they used to have these leather helmets that didn't do anything effectively Alarming huh Right all the way up to having like a full suit with oxygen and all that .

And I was like , oh , that's similar to what I used when I was in the fire academy . Oh , that's cool . But now I have a really good positive association with stuff like that . So , if anything maybe similar to physical flexibility , when you practice flexibility , it's a little bit easier to be flexible next time . You can get a little deeper into the stretch .

You can get a little deeper into the stretch of saying I don't know if this is something I'd enjoy , but I do know my partner would . And the other thought behind this is it's far easier for you to do this if your partner is doing it .

On the other end , I was talking to Taryn one day and one of her coworkers loves UFC , loves mixed martial arts , combat sports , and she said you should , maybe in the future you could invite him over to watch the fights . And I was like , yeah , have him come over this weekend . And she was like really , and I said , yeah , why not ?

I don't care , I'm not a person . If he likes UFC , he likes UFC . I'm down to hang . See what kind of hang this person is . And we ended up making pizza at home and watching UFC . Taryn doesn't watch UFC with me , but she did that night because it was one of her friends . We made a homemade

dinner and we had a really good night . So it's far easier to be flexible when you do feel like your partner is willing to be flexible back with you .

That's a deeper conversation , obviously , and maybe some vulnerability , but I would say , if you don't feel like you're getting your needs met , it's gonna be far harder for you to prioritize the needs of your partner .

So 25 year anniversary , titanic came out and so did the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park the very first one and they came out with 3D for the first time . And there's a theater near us where it's called X plus and it's 3D and it's got these leather chairs . It's the best we get cuted . Oba , she sneaks it in in her purse . It's awesome .

It makes me so anxious . You're like getting in trouble . I have no problem with it .

The Biltmore lit her up and fulfilled her more than it did me , but I also love to see her lit up and fulfilled , and vice versa . So Jurassic Park 3D 30th anniversary and Titanic 3D 25th anniversary she would never do on her own , but she loves to see how lit up I am and she ends up enjoying herself a lot as well .

And so , at the end of the day , if you are not flexible with your partner , they're probably not going to be flexible with you , and then you're going to slowly but surely not be as fulfilled as you could be , because we all know the things we love are better when we share them with the person we love , and sometimes she'd rather be with me doing what I

want to do than not with me at all , and vice versa . And the last piece of this that I'll share as well is we thought that we had a core value in conflict when we first got together and they kind of were Emilia and I sat down and we came up with our core values together as a .

We called them our 10 commandments at the time , and one of them was adventure , and Kev is like dude , I don't know man . And I was like what do you mean ? I love adventure you know just kidding myself and I think I do like the outdoors , but not nearly as much as most people and certainly not nearly as much as Emilia .

I'm somewhat of a recluse and fitness for me is 10 out of 10 . It's insane , like , if you don't like to work out , you and I are just not going to travel together . It's just . I mean , emilia and I in that South Carolina trip , we were

literally working out , lifting grocery bags because we couldn't find a gym . It was , it was obnoxious , and I actually had a hard conversation with her . I said , sweetheart , this is not working out for me . We can't travel places that don't have a gym . I'm not doing it .

And again , that was exactly how frustrated I was , but what I thought was in conflict , we were flexible and we made it work . Now she has a goal to go on an adventure every quarter . We've been climbing mountains . I think we've climbed five mountains . A couple of them you wouldn't consider a mountain , but the Appalachian Trail we climb .

I said , sweetheart , for me what matters is the fitness . I want the hike to be hard and I want to get a workout in . I'm not just there for nature and butterflies , I want to work out . Now here's what we do .

We do hard climbs now that are challenging my physique , my body , my capabilities and their beautiful nature , and so now I get my workout and I get to see nature , she gets her nature and she gets a workout . So it's a win-win because , quite frankly , I do have a core value of nature a little bit .

She does have a core value of fitness , probably more than I do nature . But now it's a win-win-win-win-win . Instead of I don't really want to go for a walk , I want to get a workout in , and so , again , there's ways to integrate . But you just have to get creative . And now we went , we hiked the Appalachian Trail .

I never would have done that on my own . That was really cool . It's also wildly dangerous because it was icy , but yeah , there's a lot of benefits to this and I think that when you're a young man or a young woman , you think , oh , you know , I'm not going to compromise or whatever . I don't think compromise is the solution .

I think compromise implies that you're sacrificing something . I think integration or being flexible is probably a better label , and there's things that you're going to have to do in your relationship that a mature relationship does . That it's you can find a win-win .

No , emilia would not go watch Titanic 3D on her own , but that doesn't mean she can't have an awesome night with me . And if she had a big ego and didn't want to have a flourishing relationship , she would say no , go on your own , go with a friend or whatever . And I do think some people are like that .

I think some people are too selfish to really get out of themselves and to light their partner up , and I see that a lot because I coach couples and it's really sad .

well , what if it's a 7 and a 3 ? Don't do it at all .

I Will come watch you . I will take video of you , whatever , I can't do it , I'm not in . I'm not gonna strap me to somebody I just met and they're gonna . They're gonna keep me alive . I can't do it there .

I am physically not capable of attaching to this other human , but on the other end , I also and I think this is this is a piece of understanding yourself and your partner and your partnership If I wanted to go to you at UFC live which I do intend on doing , and it's a 10 and it's a zero for Tara and I'm not gonna be upset if she doesn't want to come ,

of course I don't expect you to want to sit through and we're going early , we're going live . We're going early .

I would argue that it's gonna be really beneficial for you , not just for the relationship , but for you as a human , because you're experienced things that you probably never would have , and I'm that's coming from me first hand a lot of the things I've done I never would have done if Taran didn't suggest them or if it didn't light her up , and I'm very grateful

for all the things I have done .

I mean , we talk about the relationship force field and how you got to put your family first and your relationship first , and she uses Harry Potter as a reference and how Kevin never understands these references .

she uses that . It's just been very useful in unexpected ways .

At the end of the day , a lot of the people I talk to don't have podcasts , but they are thinking about it . They think to themselves what would it look like ? How do I actually do it ? Am I confident enough to do it ? So any questions you have , I'd love to answer . We'll have the link in the show notes below and I'd love to .

I'd love to chat with you about podcasting .

If you've been curious , if you're ready to rock with the promo code , it comes to less than $97 per month for the three months . Okay , reach out to Kevin or myself , alan at nextleveluniversecom . Kevin at nextleveluniversecom say hey , I'm in , I want in on group 12 .

We will send you the promo code , the landing page is ready , you can pay and you lock your spot and you're good to go .