¶ Productive and Destructive Trauma Responses
Next level nation . Welcome back to another episode of next level university , where we teach you how to level up your life , your love , your health and your wealth . We hope you enjoyed our latest episode . It was episode number 1415 . Sleep is actually productive . I get a very productive night of sleep last night . Today , for episode number 1416 . Happy Wednesday .
When life knocks you down , what do you do ? I ? I spent some time on Saturday , alan , finishing up a song that I had written , and Taryn was getting ready to go somewhere . She's going out , she's going to see somebody . I remember where she was going and she said and she said this jokingly she said how come you never write love songs about me ?
And we laughed about it and I said I don't , I don't know . I usually , when I write , it's usually because I've been beaten down . I'm usually overwhelmed , I'm sad , I'm heartbroken , I'm lonely . I said , babe , a lot of my inspiration comes from what I'm suffering and when I'm deeply in love there's not a lot of inspiration there anymore .
A lot of it comes from me feeling rejected or neglected or sad or hurt or disappointed or Whatever it may be . And we joked about it . But that was really a breakthrough for me , because then I connected the dot of or the dots to when I was the loneliest I wrote the most . When I was the brookest I wrote the most , and that's probably a dangerous game .
And then I connected it back another layer , so earlier in life , before I was doing as much writing Anytime I would get my heart broken or I would feel super lonely or something bad would happen to me I would go to the gym . That's when I did .
When life knocked me down , I usually went to the gym and that became what we were calling a productive trauma response . You get productive stress response . Whatever you want to consider it .
If I had negative things that I did , so when life knocks me down say , maybe I went out drinking that wouldn't be as productive , that wouldn't have Lended itself to me being as in good a shape as I was , and I still do that . When I'm overwhelmed , the gym is my therapy . It really grounds me and I lost sight of that when I wasn't working out .
I I now connecting the dots . I was more anxious . For sure I wasn't sleeping as well . I probably was more irritable . But I've gone to the gym every single day . I don't know , it's been a minute , probably a month I've gone every day . I Love it . It's the best , it's the best and it's really really good for me .
So my question for you all start with a question what is your productive Trauma response if you're out there ? And then we could reverse that question and add another layer what is your destructive trauma response , if you have one ?
We first and foremost the fact that you've been in the gym for a full month . It is noticeable . I think I missed one day . Your self-esteem Well , appreciate your honesty . Your self-esteem is higher . You're more centered . It's definitely noticeable in your energy . It's good , really good . You don't know .
That's the hard thing is you don't know . When you're doing it now I feel normal . Well then , when I stop doing it , well , this is what normal feels like . You don't know until you take a step back and look below the the log for the salamander . You ever find salamanders .
Oh yeah , of course Definitely .
That's why we get along real quick , real quick , just real quick . It has nothing to do with anything . We're talking about my buddy and I . I think I told you this . We made a salad , a salamander hut in the woods . It had a , it had a river , we made him a hot tub and everything and then they left . They all , they moved .
Yeah , they didn't want anything to do with it .
Not proud of this .
That's how every good story starts .
Don't tell me no , no , my , my friend and I Used to build these sandpit , little mini sand pits , and we used to have the red ants versus the black ants . Wow yeah , and I again not proud of this . I wouldn't do this again , but as a kid I was curious and we would Bring in other people people , not people Caterpillars as is dark .
Yeah , a little bit . That was your trauma . Response back then was to Make it will suffer .
I thought we were supposed to do war . I thought the red ants were supposed to battle the black everybody .
I think everybody has that a little of that when they're young little bit figure .
And then do you know what a lion ant is ? No , okay , this is Relevant to this episode , but a lion ant is an ant that digs under the ground and it has like a little Burrow thing that ants fall in and then they come out and they start spitting out . Look up , lion ant , it's fascinating . Okay , I used to put those as mines in the minefield it was .
We used to play bugs , we did , we played bugs as a little kid . So it's a little bit about my childhood and Kevin's childhood . Back to this episode trauma response . I Think all of us have a constructive or destructive trauma response at all times , at all times . I Would say there are some . It's a spectrum .
On the far end will go zero to ten , like we do it . I know you , yeah , I know you , and Zero would be fully destructive . Ten would be fully constructive . I would say that you going to the gym is on the very high end of constructive .
So not only are you getting centered , getting healthier , working through your stuff , processing things , but you're also building a better body , stronger body . Oh , I would say emotional eating as a trauma response can be productive if you're eating nutritious foods after a good workout . But most likely emotional eating is not constructive .
But it is technically constructive if you eat , take a nap and then you feel better after and then you get back after it . It's , these trauma responses have a lot of nuances . Right , it's Obviously if you're in a certain diet that you can't have your calories go above a certain amount . Emotional eating is not good .
But For you out there , watching or listening , what is your trauma response ? There's four main ones . I Didn't know about the fourth , actually , for a very long time . It took me till my 30s to learn . In the fourth one , you immediately tell me this . So the ones that everyone know is fight or flight . Those are the common ones .
Next is freeze , which is just do nothing . And Then the fourth one that I didn't know about is bond , and that actually was the one that was my biggest blind spot . So fight to get better , fight the other person or thing , whatever it is . Flight , run away , avoid , shell up . Those are very , very common . Freeze is disassociate , do nothing .
¶ Trauma Responses and Coping Mechanisms
I know a lot of Females out there who have dealt with any sexual traumas or anything like that . A lot of times they'll just freeze . That's something common , unfortunately . And then fawn fawn is Do whatever the other person .
Or a good example of fawning would be if you have an alcoholic parent growing up and they they want you to do something , you just go , do it , even if you disagree with it , because you don't want to be hurt . And so we develop these trauma responses . Some of us go into our room , watch our favorite show and eat food as a trauma response .
Some of us Fawn , some of us , which would be flight . So in that case , go into your room . I have one client I'm thinking of right now who would spend her childhood in her room because whenever she got yelled at by her Abusive father , she would always just go hide in her room and that would be flight . That would be flight .
Fawn would be do whatever he wants . Fight would be challenge him , which when she was small she couldn't do . And so we're all still running these same trauma responses . I did a blog recently . If you've read blog number seven , I Talked about my past and I talked about my trauma response .
Fortunately , my trauma response growing up was aim higher , dream bigger , believe in myself , more work , harder work , smarter . That was constructive . That was my constructive trauma response . Fortunately , my destructive trauma response , which I talked about in the blog was alcohol .
It was fun , it was escape and it was alcohol and A lot of people that are having fun and escaping and drugs and alcohol and other things like that .
A Lot of that actually is a trauma response that is masked in having a good time , when in reality , a lot of times not always , but a lot of times they're just avoiding something or not dealing with something uncomfortable Would you .
I would argue this is what I was thinking Many of the things you're really really good at . It might be because it was a trauma response , definitely .
If you have experience in something , I'll give you a perfect example . So one of my trauma responses when I had a tough time growing up was movies . We actually talked recently about how I didn't have cable during one of the hardest times in my life when my stepdad left at 14 . Movies were my escape . I have an ex-girlfriend sweetest person .
She read so many books because the Harry Potter books , all those books were an escape for her and she had a challenging childhood . So she was amazing at reading , extremely good at reading and writing , and she did really well in school because she was always reading . She had a great vocabulary .
She was way better at reading than I was , but I knew way more about movies and so when I went to LA and wanted to work in a show business , I knew about directors and I knew about casting . I knew how it all worked because I had studied movies for so long and I didn't realize this until recently , kev .
But Emilie and I have been working on effective communication . You and I have as well . I had been studying storytelling for over a decade just through film . I'm fascinated by stories and characters and character development and story arcs and three act structure . Even if you didn't understand everything I just said .
A lot of that was a trauma response because I studied film , because film for me has always been an escape . But with that escape comes something that you get really good at that other people don't , and there's a way to leverage that . I use storytelling all the time . Now we're about to give a speech in Pittsburgh .
I'm going to tell a story and the way in which you tell that story can be super , super compelling . I've talked about the three movies . The first movie is it starts out in an award ceremony , ends on another bigger award ceremony no struggle whatsoever .
Second movie is rags no riches , failure , failure , failure , struggle , struggle , struggle , even more rags at the end . Those first two movies aren't compelling . The third movie is rags through riches , struggles and triumph , failure and success and the way in which you develop the character and the character transforms throughout the narrative .
That all of that was at least born and bred through my own trauma response and I know heroes growing up , superheroes and all that For me .
Some of my biggest heroes growing up were superheroes like Captain America or Iron man or whatever it is , and so I think there's always a benefit , a pro and a con to every trauma response and then , as you get older , hopefully you recognize what yours were .
You recognize your own unique superpowers within that and then hopefully you deploy that to be more successful and impact more people .
I think my negative one probably was smoking weed , probably Prump maybe , maybe porn before that . I don't know if that was really a trauma response . I think that was more of a more of an addiction than anything . I don't think weed was ever an addiction , it was more . Yeah , I think it was more a trauma response , maybe a stress response .
Whatever you wanna consider it , might not have been . Do you think you ever used ?
it to escape . Yeah , this is the tool versus the crutch .
I think it was a flight I was flighting from , because I still I've talked about this . I still partake occasionally in marijuana , whether it's an edible or whatever it may be , but it's not for that .
I'm not looking for an escape . What's the difference ? If you wouldn't mind sharing , cause it feels different , right , it doesn't ?
feel like a crutch anymore . No , yeah , I'm not really looking for the only results . I'm really looking for is just extra relaxation and or more creative thinking . Those are really the only two things . I , if Tara and I are gonna have a movie night or something , I might pop an edible and watch , and I always have a great .
I just have deeper thoughts about the movie . That's pretty much it . It's just not what it used to be . That's what I would say , and I would say the other thing , too is yeah , there's a lot more stress now , but there's a lot more constructive areas to put the stress right . There's just a lot of .
I mean , we get to do this every day and this is very fulfilling . So this helps . It's not direct , it's not . I'm overwhelmed , I'm gonna go podcast , but this definitely . It purges the valve of pressure for sure , definitely Right during . We're gonna try to record . We're gonna record seven episodes today . I'm not really thinking about that much else .
I don't really . There's not that much going on in my mind . It's just like let's do this episode . Oh , this is the next one . Awesome , what a story . So that's helpful too . So this could even be an episode of what are the things that help alleviate stress proactively and constructively .
Well , all of us have a list , hopefully in our mind , whether we've written it down or not , wrote in it down , whether we've written it down or not of therapy like what is your therapy ? And again , I don't mean actually therapy , I do recommend that as well .
But for me , playing basketball , watching films , food for sure , delicious food for a lot of people it's walks in nature . For me , fitness , 100% . You can always tell when I'm having a hard day , when I have to go to the gym , or at least that's what I tell myself . But I listen to specific things that are not positive .
I don't want to say they're not positive , they're kind of like I don't want to say sad , they're deeply contemplative . I have some go to speeches and I have go to songs that are melancholy .
I was going to say , are they in the melancholy playlist ?
Yes , I have a specific playlist that I use to go and reflect on the journey and how hard it's been . Honestly , my trauma response is going to the future . It's reflecting on the past and building a bigger future . We did a really ship talks event recently . That went really well , but after it I'm so spent that they end at like 730 at night .
They used to end at 830 at night . That stuff's hard for me . I don't know how to explain these things . I'm not necessarily super good at it . I think I'm a strong communicator , but it's way outside my comfort zone . I always have really hard days . That those days promotion , blah , blah , blah .
After those events we do feedback , experience review , most important win , most important improvement . There's so much feedback . We're usually focused because it's Emilie and I on what we did poorly , not what went well , just because we want to improve . Usually after that I got to go to the gym and I just got to listen to .
I have this one speech by Bob Proctor that I frequent and it's got this great music in the background to it . I just frequent this speech . I love it . I have the thing . I don't know maybe not memorized , but it's one of those things that you can listen without listening because you've seen it so many times .
It's like a movie that you've seen so many times that you can just put it on and you don't have to pay attention really , but you're still in it . I don't know if that's unique to me or not , but Anyways , in those moments I always just dream bigger . I always reflect on the past how far I've come and then I dream bigger .
That's another trauma response that I've been doing since I was a little kid , and maybe anyone out there listening might be doing this too . Fortunately for me , my trauma response to pain and suffering and adversity was go to clues find a way to dream bigger , believe in yourself more and figure out how to climb out of whatever dark hole you're in .
It's really that it's figure out how to climb to the next level . That's kind of what it is . What if the next level is digging out of a terrible dark hole ?
I don't really look into the future . I usually just look into the past Makes sense . You and I are very much on brand , but I always reflect . That's why I say I'll go back . And when I go back to my hometown , when I go visit Allen , it's weird . That's a weird experience for me Cathartic .
I don't even know what that word means , but I hear a lot of people use it when they're saying stuff like this . So maybe it's cathartic . I don't know what it means . It's almost like therapy . It brings me back to who I used to be . It's always a very Not emotional . It's emotional , not emotional in a negative way .
It's a very emotional experience for me to drive down the street I used to live on . I remember the way I thought and what I expected for my future and what I thought of my past . Then I remember that . I remember all that stuff . It's always strange for me to do that .
¶ Maximizing Constructive Responses to Trauma
My question , my next level nugget for the listeners , would be what is something you've been doing for a long , long , long period of time and have you connected when you do it the most , or when you get the most fulfillment , or when it seems the most necessary ?
One of the reasons , alan , one of the reasons why I wasn't going to the gym before I really got into this groove is because my body was hurt , and every time I would go to the gym it would be more stressful because I couldn't get a good workout .
It's like and I understand again , that's a first world problem , for sure , but I would leave saying that , sucked , I don't want to go back to the gym . Everything hurts . My shoulder hurts , my knee hurts . It's not constructive , it's not productive for me to be there .
It didn't release from the gym . If your trauma responses go to the gym and you can't do that ? You can't do that , because then it's gonna create more pain and the last thing you want is more pain when you're already in pain , there's something to be said for . We always say get outside your comfort zone , and it's important .
If you live for comfort , you're in so much trouble . I'll never sugarcoat that , because life is inherently uncomfortable , especially if you want to do something magnificent . But if you're way outside your comfort zone , the last thing that is constructive is to go way outside your comfort zone again .
It's like if you sprain your ankle and then play football the next day , it's not useful , it's not constructive . But if you go to physical therapy and work it a little bit , it is constructive . So some people say , okay , I'm not gonna use my ankle for three months .
I made that mistake and it didn't heal as quickly as it would have if I actually was proactive with my physical therapy . And I've also been on the other end of that . I've screwed . I'm gonna play basketball the next day and it just kept re-injuring , kept re-injuring , kept re-injuring . So we all have to find that sort of sweet spot .
So , whatever your trauma response is , figure out what it is . Fight flight freezer , fawn what's your go-to ? We did this recently . Was it on Book Club ? It was Book Club . I think we did a poll Fight flight freezer fawn Group coaching . Was it group coaching ? Okay ?
we did it in group coaching . Might have done it in Book Club as well .
Probably both . Which one is your go-to and then just start recognizing when that's happening . And then what flavor ? What flavor of faunting If it is flight for me , flight food and movie . Okay , can I eat food that's nutritious , towards my fitness goals , and watch a movie that's inspiring me , instead of just any movie ? There's a way to make it constructive .
If you're gonna go off the rails , do it as constructively as possible . For lack of better phrasing , would it be better for me to pick up a personal development book ? Of course it would , and denying that is just wrong .
But If I'm gonna watch a movie , I might as well watch one that might have a good analogy that I could use on the podcast or will Inspire me in some unique way , or one that I can connect with Emilia on . Like the Black Panther films unbelievable , they're so good . I Can use analogies in those .
Emilia's already said some things that were in the film that and also other people have seen them . So it's tough with Kev because he doesn't watch a lot of films . So sometimes I can't it's like I gotta explain the film , then explain the concept of why I was using the film .
It's a whole thing , unless it's a comedy , in which case he's definitely seen it , most likely , but that's all is . Is what's your trauma response ? And then how can you make that trauma response somehow more constructive towards what you ?
value and that's , that's an important piece of self-awareness to have to , where you said could I do something more constructive ? Could I ? Could I find a way to make this even more constructive ?
I had a conversation with somebody recently I don't talking about weed a lot in this episode , I don't know why , but this person said I Gotta be very careful when I , when I've been taking edibles and it's growing up my diet . Oh , okay , the thing that maybe you're using for one thing is completely creating another potential problem . That's just .
It's just self-awareness , is it ? It's very , it's very powerful how simple we are as humans when you think about it . Like , okay , when I get , when something happens , I go do this , okay , well , something happens is always gonna happen . Different flavors , of course .
What can I do to improve the flavor of my trauma response , stress response , definitely and everyone .
So simple , yeah . Well , there's a thousand intricacies , you know , course , to being a human , but I do think that's a big one , I think so a lot of your results good and bad , you know are Predicated on whatever your trauma responses were .
I know some people their trauma response was to puff up and you know , go , think they're better and go , you know , be calm , but but their relationships suffer . Yeah , you're more successful , but your relationship suffers . I know some people whose trauma response was to be vulnerable and to go snuggle with their partner .
Their relationships great , but they aren't necessarily as successful in their careers and that's that's why it's so hard to be holistic . This is it right here . It's so hard to be holistic because we're all successful in the trauma response to Whatever our trauma response was created a lot of our success . That's why you're funny 100% . That is 100% why you're funny .
Kevin gets funnier and funnier the harder and harder things get . It's fair , which is awesome , because I get more and more intense . I Got me . It got me through some stuff .
I watched a video again . I was reflecting oh Hadouken , he hadouken his microphone . I was reflecting recently and I was going through my old snapchat videos and that's what would happen it would be Friday . I'd be tired . I stayed up for days on end .
I'm six hours away from home and I would have a video of Ray Ray and I guys to work with funny , funny , funny guy and we were just laughing and making jokes and that's how we got through it . We just laughed our way through all that , that pain and we still do it today .
We do definitely . That has been one of my favorite parts .
Well , you and I are driving ten hours and a couple days , so I'm sure you and I will have some laughs along the way . We will definitely have some laughs , I'm sure we will . Next level nation .
If you are looking for a group of like-minded individuals who are into growth , self-improvement , self-awareness , vulnerability , having the tough conversations , please join our private Facebook group , next level nation . The link is in the show notes .
If you're on YouTube , you can see that I'm holding up a book by the one and only Jim quick . The symbol I just realized recently is actually kind of the symbol of a brain Very cool . The book is called limitless . It's meta learning and what that means is learning how to learn . He talks about a lot of really valuable things mindset method .
This is one of the most practical books that I've ever read about how to improve your life , so I'm super , super excited . It's the next book in book club . We are gonna do one chapter per week every Saturday , 12 30 pm , eastern Standard Time . This Saturday will be moved . Kevin and I will be traveling . I'm gonna be moving it to 3 pm , maybe 4 pm .
I will confirm that it's gonna be moved to Sunday . There's only there's been two book clubs in the last 150 something weeks in a row , I think . I think it's that many . There's only been two book clubs where we had to move it to Sunday , but we will never miss a week . We're always there . Please register . The link will be in the show notes .
We will inform you if anything changes Because I have Brandon emailing the people that have registered Before the book club and limitless by Jim quick , we're doing one chapter at
¶ Chapter One
a time . Chapter one is excellent , powerful Story . We hope to see you there tomorrow for episode number 1417 .
One feeling we all need . I had . Again , it's weird where these episodes come from . Sometimes these episodes something happens in my life and I think to myself oh , that would be a really , really good episode . Hopefully this one will be as always . We love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you , and at NLU we did on a fans .
We have family . We will talk to you all tomorrow . Dial in those trauma responses .
Next explanation you .