#1386 - A Brave Thing To Try In Your Relationships

We hope you enjoyed our latest episode . It was episode number 1385 . You become what you say you are Today . For episode number 1386 , a brave thing to try in your relationships . You can do this in any relationship , but it works really , really well in an intimate relationship if you have a partner .

Just quick preface This is gonna be a very short episode because we're running behind and there's a lot going on , but also it's a pretty simple tactic that we're gonna give you . We wanna do better with giving you tactics . That's why we came up . Jerry Ann helped us name the next level nugget .

So I was talking to somebody the other day and this is a client of mine And this person said I'm really I'm kind of struggling in my relationship because I feel like we just default to spending time together every night .

So I'm at home working , my partner is out working When they come home , it's kind of like , all right , let's get dinner and let's watch something on Netflix or let's watch a movie , and then that's kind of the end of the night . And he said I feel like I'm missing . I'm missing a lot of opportunity to kind of be with myself .

And I said , well , have you ever thought about doing a me date ? And Alan has been doing this . I actually saw Jay Shetty posted about this a while ago And he said you have a me date , a we date , and then you have a date with friends , so like , if you're gonna have three dates a week , that type of thing .

And I said have you ever thought of having a me date ? Because you have to understand your partner . I know your partner , i've talked about them enough . I understand them . They're not the type of partner who's going to ask for space , and that's okay , it's not a bad thing .

I said at the end of the day , right now , what you're doing is you're advocating for them instead of advocating for yourself . So every time they come home , you're advocating for them , because you know they want to spend time with you And , of course , as a couple , you're gonna spend time together .

I said what I've been doing recently , kind of following the lead of Alan , is when I get overwhelmed or when it's just been a hectic week or when I just need a break . I'll literally just say hey , babe , do you mind if I have a me date tonight ? I just wanna hang out , throw on YouTube and just watch something stupid and just kind of turn my brain off .

What are your thoughts on that ? And she's always super , super grateful because she isn't as forward as I am when it comes to asking for a me date . That really is . I think that's a challenging thing because my initial fear was what if it hurts her feelings ? what if she thinks I don't wanna spend time with her , when that's not the truth ?

I do wanna spend time with her . I just need a minute to myself . I spend so much time here and in front of people that sometimes I just need to recluse . So I understand why it can be a challenging thing . It's scary . You're putting yourself out there . it's vulnerable . You're afraid of hurting your partner .

But you don't know , your partner probably needs the same thing . They probably want some space and maybe they don't have the courage to ask yet . So that is the simple next level nugget for this episode .

Come up with me dates , come up with a we dates , and then if hanging with friends and family is something that's super important to you , you can also have kind of whatever , that is , a we plus date or something .

So I have it on my P performance tracker me time and I have we time , and then I have TNT time , which is Tucker and Tariel , and it's like a one , a zero or a 0.5 . And I've been getting a lot of zeros lately on the me date . So now I know , okay , i need a me date , probably pretty soon .

The other piece of this that I think is more important is your partner doesn't necessarily always love to do the same things you love to do . So , for example , i love movies . I've said that many , many times , absolutely adore them .

And , by the way , i actually figured out one of the reasons why I was reading the book we're reading in book club How Emotions Are Made , and it talks about body budget And what body budget means essentially is feeling pleasant or unpleasant .

And what she suggests , if you wanna be emotionally well , is to actually escape for a short time into a novel or a movie And I never heard this before , and she said it stops you from ruminating on your own problems and it lets you escape into the story and the narrative and the problems of a character . So right , it's an escape .

But an escape is a bad thing if you're escaping your problems forever . Right , if you're avoiding your problems like perpetually , that's not good . The bugs will take the garden .

But I think that's why I fell in love with movies is because growing up I had all these challenges and I was overwhelmed by my life and some of the things that I was going through , my step , that I'm a mom not getting along things like that , that I escaped into movies And it gave me a release .

It gave me , it got me out of the anxiety zone , it got me out of my own life for a minute and it got me dreaming of what could be , and I think that there's value to that . So , anyways , i love movies , absolutely , adore them , always have , ever since I was a kid . And Emilia loves them too , but not nearly as much as I do .

She would much rather escape into a great book , and so she has this little section in the corner of our bedroom that she set up , really nice for her sort of me dates . And then I have a huge TV . Sometimes I use that And then other times I use my laptop with my focus cap . I have this focus cap .

It's like a hat that has blinders on And it's just you fully immerse into whatever it is that you're watching .

And so the point that I wanna make here is that one of the reasons why you need a me date is because you probably have a core value That is being neglected , not because you're purposely neglecting it , but because your partner and you don't necessarily share that same core value .

I don't want to misalign Emilia , just like you , with UFC or fast food or whatever . You don't want to misalign Terrence diet and get her watching . You know dudes or girls fight each other and she enjoys it .

And I say goddamn minute because sometimes in life , right , you've got pets , You've got a house , you've got a partner , you've got listeners , you've got coaching clients . I had one of my clients say they started coaching and they're like I don't know how you do it , man , i've got three clients . I'm losing my mind .

I'm like , brother , brother , now I want you to take that number and I want you to multiply it by I don't know 15 . That is what I'm doing , and , and if you're losing your mind , now trust me , brother , you're gonna want some serious me dates out of it but that's the thing Kevin and I podcast . We're in front of these cameras .

We're constantly a next-level nation . We were with team members and community members and clients and we love that That's . I would never want that not to be the case . This is the life we designed and we adore it .

But I'm not gonna lie , man , sometimes it's like I do not want to do my hair , i do not want to be in front of a camera , i do not want to see a human , i don't want to see any humans , and that's what a me date is for .

When you get to that point where it's like I just need to be alone , that's when you can take a me day and you can do it guilt-free , because it's a thing and it's good for you .

Now I wouldn't consider that a we date , but it is she . She enjoys doing stuff like that together . And then tonight I'm gonna watch UFC . So we have leftover homemade pizza , low calorie . You drop your stone ? Yeah , we , we have leftover homemade pizza that we made last night when pop pop pop came over and I'm gonna eat that and watch UFC tonight .

But that's kind of the plan , right , we're gonna have a we date , productive we date , and then we're both gonna have a me date and then tomorrow we have far you tonight , 12 out of 10 excited . And then then next week We are sorry then tomorrow we have a we date . So every Sunday we go do family stuff . It's like we .

I wake up , i'll check WhatsApp , i'll move a couple rocks for the business , i'll work out , and then I'm with Taryn for the entire day . So , yeah , i think it's just important . It's just important , because it's probably not something that ends up happening a lot by accident . You , you want to be with your person or your family , whatever it is .

This works with family too . I said this to somebody recently . I said when I Had roommates in the past , i would do this . I would just say , hey , it's not that I don't want to hang out tonight , but like I'm gonna go watch a movie in my bed , i just need , i just need to be for a minute .

This is something I've been doing for a long period of time , but it's .

It does take a level of courage to do it , so I would challenge you all the next level , nugget obviously figure out a way to vulnerably bring up the desire for me dates and Kind of see how it goes because the other person might be like oh , you don't want to spend time with me , no , no , no , it's , it's , yeah , i just want some time alone .

There's a big difference between and I want you to have some time alone .

One last thing Kevin I know we got a jump quickly , okay you , for those of you who are out there listening , who are not in a relationship , or maybe you're lonely I have one client who actually struggles to be alone and she's actually giving me a check mark every day , or an X for five minutes spending time alone .

If You struggle to spend time alone , this is probably something that's really uncomfortable like the idea of a me date . And then there's the opposite side of the spectrum of maybe you're spending all your time alone and you're super lonely . If that's the case .

You need a we date , you need a friend date , you need a family date , and so the key here is to drive to five . If you're only ever in front of the camera or On social media or with other people or with your intimate partner , of course a me date is gonna be what you need .

But if you're constantly alone , like Kevin used to live in New Hampshire and he was a recluse for weekends at a time Where you didn't talk to humans .

I do miss it sometimes really important for you , of course , right , it's really important for you to maybe get out of the house and and , and , and see , you know , yeah , see some humans and , yeah , interact I would say so with the world .

As always , we love you , we appreciate you , grateful for each and every one of you . That NLU we did on a fans . We have family . We will talk to you all tomorrow .