Do Black Dads Matter? | MiniPod

could be further from the truth. As we approach this Father's Day, let's use our energy to tell a more complete and honest story of black men who are also fathers. But before we deepen into this mini pod with me and my co host, I have a very very simple request for our listeners, and that is could you please take sixty seconds, one minute to reflect on your experience with your own father. It could be a precious memory that encapsulates, in some short form the best memory you

have of your father, living or past. Maybe you could even offer what your father may have offered you by way of the best advice that you didn't know was at the point, but you by and by came to learn and benefit from. And this is actually where I'd like to begin the conversation with my co host, which is, I know each have different experiences with father and father figures and our lives, and I certainly don't expect any of us to romanticize any part of it, but to

hopefully talk honestly about what it means. But this was really Tiffany's idea to sort of deepen into this conversation

about fathers and black men as fathers. And then I saw it on our database and I was like, I want to borrow this from you, because I kept thinking, just as Mother's Day had recently passed, about how, just how in every single way it seems society re emphasizes and defines and glorifies the role of the mother, which I think is awesome amazing, and I do the same thing for my own and for my children's mother, my wife.

But I often, you know, sort of struggle with the fact that the role of the black male father is not as well extolled, is not as celebrated. In so many ways, it's the exact opposite. It's given a reputation, a brand, and it's our fight to struggle to come from underneath that brand. And if you do rise from underneath it, you're an exception, a very rare exception. And I think all of us know that that isn't the

total and complete truth. So my question to y'all is if you could offer a memory, a thought, maybe piece of advice that sort of sticks with you when you think about your relationship to your own dad.

What I know is that my dad was a constant is a constant presence, and I know that that is an exception and not the norm, not just for I think for black fathers, but I think for so many kids in their fathers, even if they grew up in the house with them, like there's a label put on them of like you're the provider, and so that means you work your skin, your hands to the bone to provide. And that means also that you can't be there with

your kids as much. But I feel really fortunate, spoiled and privileged to have grown up with a dad who was always there. And if he wasn't doing something for fun with me, we were definitely on a way to a protest. So that's that's the memory they come to place.

my father. Now that meant wherever my father was, I was there. If it was at a cabaret at midnight, and.

just never met a stranger. He loved animals. He was kind to people, and if you were like the winos on the corner, my dad would spend his last dollar to get them a fifth or whatever. And I remember because I could be with him wherever. One of my earliest memories, I was a little girl, maybe three or four, and I was on his lap and my dad was with his friends doing what they do, and it was a bunch of guys and they're like Bronco, like Bronson

Reed was my father's name. Bronco puts your daughter to bed. And my father has some choice words my daughter can sit up here all day if you want to on my lap. It's like midnight. And he said, man, please, my daughter gonna be cool. She gonna know about all this. And they start rolling the weed by daughters, like watch this, baby, what's this? I was like a joint. Ain't nobody gonna

be in and talk about daughters. But he was an amazing dad, you know, Like I just I don't romanticize what it would have been like to have doctor Huxtable and Claire as my parents. I think the parents I had well prepared me for this life and made me relatable to people beyond a socioeconomic status. You can drop me off in the hood on any Moka Boulevard and I'm comfortable. I'm at home. And my father in large part to that.

I quite frankly remember my dad being more at my school plays, track meets school events even more than my mom. And that's not to say one is good than the other.

My mother oftentimes couldn't do it because she would pick up after driving the school bus and she worked down the street at the dry cleaners where she would press clothes until it closed, and then on the weekends she would clean houses and we would often go with her, so she was often you know, out there making sure that we had, you know, what, she was earning what she needed to to take care of all of us. But my father would like be the funniest guy in

the room. He cracked the jokes, he's you know, you know, slapping it, you know, on the back with everybody, and people just loved him. They gravitated to him. I certainly gravitated to him in that way. And then there was this point at which you would start to like, you know, get a little nervous because you knew Daddy was drinking and now at this point, you know, he'll go beyond

that point. And then it turned you know, ugly, and mostly it would turn ugly for my mother, and I remember not being able to reconcile the two, like just being is my dad a bad guy or a good guy? Because I was experiencing him so much as a good guy, and then I see him argue with my mother, or I see him drunken then pass out, and you know, not have his you know, his his wist, a bottom

or whatever. But but he was such a constant presence even even through all of it, which is so strange because you think of alcoholism, and you think of alcohol abuse, and you think about homes that seem or feel broken, and it's easy to put that parent in a box and you know which one is the bad one and which one is a good one, and which one to take care of you. And I don't have that of him. And I should also note today that we are sitting

down and speaking is my dad's birthday. He passed away the year after I ran for governor, a few months after the race for governor was over. And I remember feeling like like not the good child because I didn't know he was sick. He didn't share it. It was such a shock, you know, such a surprise. You know, the next time I see him was at a hospital. He's not speaking and you know a few days later, you know Dad's gone. But it is also very much so him. He didn't tell his problems to anybody. He

didn't lean on anybody. He didn't want to be a burden to anybody. If something was wrong, he just held it. He just kept it. So I'm thinking about my dad being deployed by the campaign, going to these neighborhoods, going back to Miami, like just doing what he could for his son while in pain and not sharing it. And you know some you know, guilt around that, right, Yeah,

of course, of course. But I think part of what makes the job of a black father's particularly challenging is is not only do you have filling the role right, you got to show up. You're often the provider. Right. People who even grow with Dad's in the home, as you referenced, Angela, you know, they may be in the home, but they're also working this. You know, the society gives them a burden that they have to cure. So he did those things. But I think as I reflect on him,

I'm so blessed for the nuggets. You know, he would tell every one of my others Blin's watch out for this one. Because God knows he don't have it in common sense. You know, he thought I was. He thought I was a kid that everybody was gonna get overall because I saw innocence, yeah, sense and everything. And Dad is like, nah son, you know, so he's telling my little baby sister, watch out for your brother.

shape and form. And I just wonder, particularly for you, Angela, because you do sit an interesting intersection with Hollywood film production, the portrayal of figures, and our community is like, is it that saleable to tell the story repeatedly of an absentee dad who ain't about chit versus a more complete and accomplished story.

really see it in the same way. He has been relentless about speaking his truth about his experience growing up around his mom when he went into the shop with her, like he talks about his own experience, and so you can get mad at it, but really, what is the societal condition that is there for us to address? I do think we could spend a lot more time highlighting not just the black father, but also black families and the ways, especially now that people come together alternative to

create loving environments. I think one of the dopest things about the black community historically has been our village, you know, the mentality that it takes a village to raise a child. And sometimes your aunties and your cousins and all that

ain't blood related. But we were there because as a protection mechanism, and that is deep love that has virtually been destroyed now by this is not the point of this particular podcast, but like by gentrification and housing affordability and access and all that, some of those things have been broken down and it has been very detrimental to I think these kids, you know, So I think that where fathers had to work. You know, Auntie so and so came in and took over this grandmar or this

nana came in. And I think that some of those things should be celebrated more than what the father didn't do, the fact that this kid ended up our right, is a testament to how incredibly dope and versatile and innovative the black community is.

it's not true. The data doesn't support it. And that was according to the CDC, the Center for Disease Control. The data showed that that was even more than white fathers. They were at sixty percent, Latino fathers were at forty five percent. Those same black fathers were also more likely to have eaten a meal with their children. And the numbers are high, not just for biological fathers living in the home, but also for black fathers stepping into the

role of a step parent. And it shows that black fathers maintained consistent involvement with their children even when outside the home. I hate to say this, I may lose a man corner here too in the audience, but I have to say President Obama was also somebody who perpetuated a narrative of this absent black father that was not true. He represented a black father who was present, but in his remarks he would make these comments and it's like,

what are you basing that on. That's not true. His black father was not present, and so to your point, maybe he was talking about his own experience, but then would carry that message in as the president. When you're speaking, you're not speaking to your father, You're speaking to the everybody. And so the world would hear you lecture on some

level black fathers, and it just it wasn't warranted. It's like, hey, these kids go to sidwell with your kids, you know, like these kids' fathers are doing the same thing you're doing.

all these years that I can never get back. I gave to this thing and I'll never and and and it's okay. And I'm okay with it now because there are new moments that we're able to create. I love being emotionally in tune with them. I want my kids, you know, to talk to me. I want my third one to talk less because he just tells all. But we show up and we grieve and we have, you know,

just deep hopes. And I think some of what I've always tried to figure out, like my dad would always couch a good moment with like you know, the shoes can drop, the shoes gonna drop tomorrow. Like he would never let you get too high on the on the upswing because he was trying to prepare me for the disappointing moments and days. And I know a lot of dads who that you like, you want to tell your kid there's something around the band, like be happy about

this thing, be okay. But they didn't let us go overboard because they knew that there was a much crueler and tougher society out there, conditions that they could not control. That they didn't want us to be thrown completely off and just set back on our heels. They're trying to

prepare us. And I struggle now with a different preparation from my children, because I don't want them to, you know, to think that everything's funky dory in the world and everybody wishes them well and and that kind of thing. But also I don't want them having, you know, everything, seeing everything through.

to intervene. So if you see a father walking with his kids and you don't know this man from Adam, I feel like a lot of black women take license, like those are my children, to say something if I want to, And you can say to this father that baby need a jacket on, need a hat on his head. And black men seem to understand this. You know, it might be frustrating and annoying, but it's like this is this is how it works at the playground. My friends who have kids, one of my close friends, he has

three kids. I went to the playground with him and it's a smortgage board of kids there, but the black kids, all the black parents responsible for the black kids. They didn't say anything to the white kids because you.

your feelings. And also I would bet I didn't know your dad, but I know your dad, and I would bet he would not change any amount of time he spent. No way was he gonna be at home feeling pain. I gotta go hit this payment. That's what I know how to do. And it's my boy. You know, my boy is running for governor. I'm gonna go out and do this because this makes me not think about the pain. It not makes me think about my illness. You know.

reflect the men that I know. And so this isn't too this isn't about scripting to other people so that they understand and appreciate us. It's a script to ourselves, a reminder to ourselves the ways in which we are pretty incredible beings despite what they want us to believe about us. I want to think.