Native Land Pod is a production of iHeartRadio in partnership with Reason Choice Media. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome.
All right, welcome home, everybody. Welcome to today's mini pod.
We are going to be queering ourselves about something that not so political, much more personal and maybe some of you all can relate to. Have you ever been, I don't know, thought of in your family, your friend group, your circle as the solver, as the person gets it done, as the person once you mention it, that person.
Lights up and jumps to it.
Well, of the three of us, I think all three of us have been that amongst our respective circles. And so today we want to talk a little bit about whether or not we are just doing too much, and if we are, why we might be feeling compelled to do too much or anything. I always think about these things, ladies, as being you know, sort of unhealed traumas.
Of our past.
And I don't know if that's true or not, but but I think we often look at we often see people look at people who jump to it, who get things done through the sympathetic lens of they just like to solve problems versus what is I think probably a truer scenario that we've got some things we've got to solve for ourselves, and our and our inability to do that for ourselves, it's much.
Easier to do it for other people.
But I'm curious to know if y'all have a thought on that, and if I've set that up properly, I may not.
Have, I think so. I think that resonates with me.
So if that's the case, then Angelau, we will start with you define yourself on this spectrum of solve all the problems to Oh, I'll just sit and wait till you tell me to do something. Yeah, oh, I already know you ain't that ain't w but love to hear where you think you are.
You know, I will tell you. I don't know where where the trauma came from. But that is when you said that is deeply resonant. There's a side of me that feels like my dad required us to show up
for family. And because of how black folks families are, they extend far beyond the bloodline, and so you know, if there was a need, you step up and you meet the need, whether it's communal, cultural, or in your intermediate family and I mentioned on our main podcast that Tiff was like not she wasn't like why you do that? But essentially that was the conversation, like have you thought about why you do that?
And it makes me.
Really emotional because I can't think of a time where I have stood up for myself with the fierceness and the quickness that I will for anybody and almost everybody else. I was suspended in the seventh grade for fighting someone else's fine, right, like I literally and and if I even with my own father, if there's something where he wants me to do something, I feel really bad telling him no. And I've had to work on that in therapy. What does that have to do with steping into crises.
I actually love solving crises. I love a crisis response, and it's because I think, deep down I want to be helpful. I think probably the inner child in me is like, help me that same way. And I don't know how. I only know how to perform for other people. I think it has been a journey that I'm far from finishing to step up for myself in the same way.
Interesting.
Well, I'll say about me, but I want to say this about Angela.
I think we shouldn't.
We shouldn't, we shouldn't comment on her yet.
No, I want us to reserve it to.
Our make a comment. I just want to make a comment.
No, No, vitoak.
In the middle of my comment last episode, you.
Said something about me, but I wasn't gonna comment about I was going to add something to it. But fine, Andrew said, I can't remember. That's I will remember because I guys have to say about it. But and Ay, you were there for that conversation.
By the way, it was if it was initiated by you saying did they ask you to do that?
Ye? Did he asked you to do anything?
Said?
No one ever, nobody ever asked me to do it. I just.
I I completely understand how Angelo feels. I will say I have learned to compartmentalize and take on what I can. And that's because there have been several times in life where I felt myself about to break, and so now I am very clear to protect myself from the stress and anxiety that I can feel by taking on other people's sugar honey iced tea like I just cannot do it, so I have to, and even stuff that does impact me, I have to decide is this something I'm gonna carry
or not? And it's like my arms are full, I'm already.
If I didn't help.
Myself relax and go to sleep, this same energy that we have on the pot, I would be wide awake at three in the morning, four in the morning. And I spent most of my teen years, my twenties, and my thirties with that level of anks where I just felt like I couldn't exhale. Even now, I paced the floor for hours. You know, if I'm thinking, if I'm right, you know, I have to turn off my phone. I keep my phone on silent probably twenty hours a day, just because I it's like a breathing entity, you know,
like the constants just like stretching me out. But I know I heard that, but I thought that might be a warning about the storm. Yeah, So for for me, I can show up for other people at a point where it's not betraying myself, and betraying myself can look like a different It's like if you need to sleep, it's not you know, you owe your your body's sleep, because then you can show up for this person better.
If you are sad right now, if you're dealing with your own stuff and you're heavy, like you can't be that to somebody else, you know, So take your time to get yourself together and then show up in the capacity that feels right and healthy for me. I take or have always in my life, I felt responsible for my mother. I felt responsible for my my my brother and I who grew up in the house together. I
felt responsible for him for a while. He probably felt responsible for me for a while, especially when we were kids. But I had to decide. I got to focus on my mom, you know, so I can, I can help her with whatever I can, and my brother can focus on his kids, you know. So it just it kind of works something, Angelie. You say, we all we got, and that's why we feel that way. We all we got. What about you, Andrew? I feel like you're with some people, you're a catch all. With other people, you're.
Free for all, lazy fair, laser fair. Yeah, you know, And that's shifted over the years. The more in need I have been, probably the less I have been able to of late show up for others, because so the volume has gotten so high. You know, it's sort of a fight or flight, you know, sort of decision that has to be made, but I mean for the forever and for the longest time, and I don't know how to get to the source of it. I've not gotten
to the source of it, you know. My the value that I felt I brought to many relationships was my ability to solve the problems that if I wasn't doing that, I wasn't sure that I was offering a great you know, a great deal, partly because I don't do a great job listening to the historically, hadn't done a great job listening to the problem, because as you're talking to me about the problem, my mind is immediately going to like, Okay,
what you can do about it? Is this is that in the third part of that, I think is as a child, I was always frustrated that everybody was complaining around or.
What we can't have and what we don't have and what we did.
Da da da, And this is that in the third that I was very you know, grew very tired of the excuse, all the reasons why not, all the things, you know, why we can't help the situation that the things are being done to us. But I think I grew almost a muscle like resistance to this idea that there wasn't something within our power that we could do about whatever.
That thing was.
And in some cases, as I look back on it, there wasn't anything we could do. We were really you know, we were we were slave to whatever that system was. And then you know, as I learned more, changed up environments and so on and so forth, then it was like, Okay, you got the part to do it, and if they're not gonna do it, then we're gonna do it for ourselves, and we're not gonna wait for anybody to do this is that in the third and this you know, almost religious like pushback against the idea that.
We couldn't solve it for ourselves.
And then now you know, I've had my own troth of of you know, it's just the world you know, crumbling around me that I have that I have not only not been really interested in accepting much help, but also not really in a position to offer much either, and that my time has been spent on like, okay, survival. So there's there's something there in the middle of all of that, but it isn't. I haven't been able to
put a capstone on it. I do think there is something to this, where do people derive value from me right where where? Do what? What am I doing? What am I contributing to the environment, to the situation? That is additive? And if I can't surmise for myself that there's something there that's additive, then that's not Maybe I don't need to be in this, and maybe they really don't want me in this and they won't say it because I'm really not adding anything.
So I think there's a big value self value piece.
Here, but I don't know the genesis of it.
That's so deep.
That is interesting, Yeah, because I kind of understand that feeling, like if I'm not living in service too, And I had that for a while, like even feeling guilt about relaxing, which I've abandoned my grandmother, like until the day she died, she was always in service. She you know, went to the nursing home to take care of people. She was on the deacon boards, yeah, a choir rehearsal. She hosted things for the ladies. We'll go to Costco and Sam's Club and get her. You know, she was never idle,
and I remember her. I spent all the summers with my grandmother, and I remember when she would come home and if I hadn't been doing anything, I felt embarrassed. She didn't say anything, but I just felt like, oh, I need to get up and be doing something. And I think it's something about us black folks, like, you know what, we deserve a life of ease sometimes, like it's okay for us to have a day and breathe and exhale. The thing that Angel talks about on the
main pot that I had said this is mine. I don't know who came up with this, but it's a common phrase. When somebody's telling you something, you ask do you want to be helped?
Heard or hugged?
And I think, you know, to your point, Andrew, that is one of the things that drives me crazy when I'm telling one of my friends about my problem and they're rushing me to get to the end of the story, and then they immediately start telling me how they can fix it. One it presumes that I ain't thought about this chick for the past, you know, eight months or
eight years. I remember when I was, you know, struggling to keep my business alive, and it was just one of the saddest, heaviest times in life for me, and I was just you know, trying to.
Put out the beat. Angela.
You remember those times, and I mean I was just exhausted and I would be with my friends and I would say like, I'm just so exhausted, like I just don't know what to do. I'm spending like twenty thousand dollars a month of my own money. And one of my friends was like, you shit, ask like Oprah for some money.
Bitch, why did not think of that? Let me text her right now.
I want to see how soon you can call me.
I'm so annoyed. I'm like, sense right, thank you? It just makes no sense, and I would get so annoyed or you should do this, but that you should, it would.
Just drive me crazy. It's like, ask me more questions before you come up with a solution. You know, first, it has well how you doing, how you feel, how's your spirit? What can we do to help? Is there anything we can do to help? Or tell me more what goes into running this business every day? Instead of let me immediately get to the solution, because that doesn't
say that you care about me. That says you're so quick to make yourself feel good, to feed your your own self worth that it really has nothing to do with me, like you're just trying to feed something in you. And I will say with both of you, it's interesting hearing you say this, because Andrew, I feel like you are consistently like every time we're together, we always have our time where we have like the deepest conversation. We're talking and connecting and your very health for you're a
great listener, Angela. You always say how's your heart?
Like how you doing?
What I was gonna say, Andrew vetoed you always ask those questions, but I don't feel like you're always receptive to answering those questions. And I wonder when you said you don't show up for yourself that way, and I'm like, yeah, I wonder what that is about you? Like, do you ever you know, is there any space where you're like, let me break and let me just tell you yeah, therapy.
Okay, that's good though, Andrew.
Even when Andrew was saying a thing earlier, and I will work on that.
If I did hear your point, I don't want to bypass it.
I will work on that more in therapy too, and with y'all know you guys are my unofficial therapy, not just on the podcast, y'all.
I will text him on the side.
Just because we send you there.
No, no, no, no, you guys. You guys send me healing balm.
And I'm grateful except for when you count say you only want to get cut off in the middle of the break. But I will say, I will say that I think it is really hard when you say that you're about to break so many moments where we're carrying so many things for our families, for democracy, for the culture, for racial justice, for all these things.
And somebody's like.
How's your heart, You're like, bish, if I said it for a minute, tell you.
You will bring it.
And so you're like, because I, yeah, you said this, Andrew like, it's survival. It is a survival response to not dig deeper in that moment if I know that I don't have the capacity because in five minutes I got to be on air or five minutes I gotta do, you know, you just kind of can't.
And so even you talk about.
The helped held or hugged, helped, but is it helped helped her hugged? From that, I got like, is the person does the person want event? Does the person need you to actively listen? Like asking some of the probing questions. I think Tip is very good at that. Andrew, you've both been on the receiving end of the questions. And then or are they seeking advice like you should ask OPRA for a check or do they want you to solve and do something? And my default is to solve
and do something. Again, it's not to be overbearing. It's not to insert myself. I think that deep down, it is the thing that seems like for me, it shows me love, like you are willing to utilize your own contacts, your own resources, your own time to guide me through a process. And when I have had the few opportunities and some of them with y'all, to surrender into that, it's like, oh my god, I'm gonna give y'all some inside information as a touch point. And it's both of
these guys, we really are like family. We facetimed Andrew, who had just got out the shower so he could not help us, but I had literally sent him text and were.
Like, Hell, what you doing? Hell? Because I knew that I could have a whole meltdown.
I was really ready to have a meltdown recently about a live show and Tip, who normally does not like to be bothered. I was like, you have a whole like production background. I'm gonna need you because I we might lose our spot, like I need you to help.
And TIF came in.
And not only did she come in when I thought I was helping to solve the things, she was like, I need you to go over there, Like I just need you to go over there.
You're not helping. How you think you're helping.
And I was like, you know what, I can't see myself, but I believe that's probably true.
I'm trying to talk to the man ouside be like yes, just please.
She's like, bye, go And I think that in those moments you can't see yourself. All you know is like you have an end desired goal and this thing that needs to happen. It's the same thing as when they tell lawyers like don't ever be a lawyer for yourself? You like you can't see yourself when I tell you, guys, because of Tip's involvement in this, we ended up with a far better position than I could have ever imagined. She has an eye. She is innovative, she is creative.
She don't like to insert your insert herself and your stuff.
But boy, what she does, okay, I'm.
Doing And it's the same thing for Andrew. There are so many times that could be like, well have.
You thought about it? I'm like, no, I didn't think about this, you know.
So I thank God for y'all, and and I appreciate that even in the times when I said I'm just venting, you did step up to solve, because sometimes we don't actually know what we really need because we can't see ourselves.
For me, is when you are like panicked, you know, like when you're you know, I it is hard to see that. And it's not that I don't want to be bothered. It's that I'm carrying other things.
You know.
It's like I and you know, like some of the stuff I'm carrying. Sometimes it is my finances, you know, like I'm already stressed over that. Sometimes it is my other production that I do with Will Packer. I'm you know, that's a full It's like taping eight native lands and one day, you know, and it's like I gotta, you know, spend weeks preparing for that. Sometimes it's family stuff. Sometimes
it's my own brokenness, my own heartbreak. Sometimes it's you know this foolish man who I didn't you know, gave access to me, who is not on this podcast. No, but he well he don't e look speak the Devil's name and social he appeared. He don't exist anymore. Okay, but Angela, he don't even have access. He don't even have access. But you all, but you do know how it is when your heart is hurting and it's like I don't have room for anything else.
I can't.
I don't have space for somebody else's panic. I don't have space for somebody you know, tears or whatever it is. It's like I'm about to lose it, and I can show up about to lose it looking like this, sounding like this, acting like everything is fine, but in here this is broken. I'm shaken with nerves on the verge of tears, but I've swallowed them down long enough, just so I can be in this space with you all
and not you know, infected with my own sadness. And so it's not that I'm like, well, I don't want to be by that's it. I don't ever have that attitude. It's I'm holding as much as I can right now, and I can't hold anything else. Now, when I see my sister is holding as much as she can and people keep dumping on it, and I see her about to break and fall, then yes, in those moments of extreme energy, let me set my stuff down and go over here and help my sister with this right now.
And I think that happens most around our live show.
I do think we all aw it to each other to deepen into the you know, the why, because Angela, you said that I know to be true with me, which is the things that we do, what we put out of ourselves.
Is her that is a warning Andrew that h okay? But are you okay?
So yeah, this is just doubling down on what we know, a direct hip toward Tallahassee and evacuations are ordered.
So I will say, I think one.
Thing that we was resident there was how we give love is also in some ways how we wish to receive it. And I know that I'm most critical of people used to be anyway when I wasn't receiving the love the way that I was the way I was giving it out, which is why, you know, I had to reach the epiphany that love language was about learning
the love language of other people. You know, you're not just yourself, and that way you can give it in a way that they can receive it, just like you're wanting them to delivered to you in a way you can receive it. But I know that this is not all that that we're not the only ones dealing with this. I know all of a longst of the listeners, everybody is struggling, and we we could, we could give ourselves some grace.
Here would be my advice.
About because people saying for.
Me, because it is a new thing, what that means for me is recognize that I'm not a superhero or a superhuman and that as just the normal breathing person, I.
Can get tired too. I can want to rest too.
I can realize that, you know what, this problem that I've been thinking I can solve and only me is not intractable for everybody, that maybe somebody else I'd have the shot at solving the thing, and maybe they might get further than I can. So, you know, all the things, which is contrary to how I thought of myself and what I'm supposed to be doing for practically all of my life up to this point, I'm the one who
can do it. It cannot be done, and if it was done by somebody else, it wouldn't be done to the level at which I would expect, right, and so on and so forth. But you know what, boom, I'm not that special. All those things that are only for me are not just for me. I'm requiring that, probably to protect myself from something else, a different reality that I don't.
Want to deal with.
So grace is just that it's letting yourself off a little bit without all the judgment.
At least I.
Share something that you said to me that I think is so good. We were talking about. I can't remember what emotion. It was, either shame or regret, and you said, those are emotions that only take.
They don't get. Yes, yeah, give you yes, I had.
I want you to know I've repeated that to several people, and I did not give you credit. So y'all know that.
No sentiment.
This thing is a leech, and it's not here to give you anything. It's only here to take God.
I wanted to offer two things on grace the grace question. The first is perfection is not required. The second is we have to stop expecting ourselves from other people. That is grace for us, and it's grace for them. And how dare we think that our way is the only way? That is so egotistical, so egocentric, and thank god that's not the only way. Can you imagine how flat this world would actually be? Shout out to the hoteps if we did actually believe, if we if we move that way.
So thank god that there's some difference. So thank god there's divergent experiences and all of that, and yes.
And multiple ways of getting to where you want to go.
Yes, well, I want to know y'all have languages so I can love you better. You guys, Oh, let's do that. Okay.
I don't know solve I would like to try it. Mine I have.
Too, and I don't know if you can solve these animals. Mine is time spent and physical time.
Well, I can go on a walk with you and I.
Okay, okay, I was thinking another physical specify that you, guys. I'm going to tell you one of mine is cooking. That's not in there, but it should be.
I guess it could technically be an active service, but I really like words of affirmation. The problem is, I think words of affirmation have to also align up with your actions. So I know that's not in there neither, but y'all.
Know of a rebel.
I like that.
But even I feel like even when we give you words affirmation, sometimes you are quick just like them. Yeah, so let me specify.
I really like like for my birthday this year, since I think my birthday is coming up before either of y'all's.
Again, yes, I'm already.
I like like love notes like send me a nice like encouraging note, you know.
I love that.
Yeah, like it isn't.
I don't want to be like, oh, angel, let me tell you girl, you this such a good job.
I'll be like.
That kind of like something that's deeper, you know. I like ye I like that more than anything. And they're free except for your time. It's still valuable. But I don't want to discount your time.
Yeah, that's real. I love that.
I do. I love that idea.
So y'all, I appreciate your vulnerability and willingness to lean into this. And for our listeners, I know this is different than our you know, normal political but guess what we're trying to be round it.
We're trying to elevate it as a culture document.
Podcast.
So hey, hey, hey, if you benefit, send us a bill, I.
Send us a check? Do we want? How about as.
I feel like, so, what they can do for us is tell us how they show themselves grace some of their self care practices. I'd be curious because I'm I'm trying to, you know, show myself grace. And it's like a journey. It's a We talked about this on the last podcast, Angela, when you were saying on your journey
home to yourself. That was like two years ago, I think, and I didn't even really know what that meant, and I overstand what that means now because I am definitely on the journey home to myself and it feels great. I mean, I have to say, because I went through some dark times, like I was real, I felt I went from being on top of the world, if like
the world was on top of me. And now for anyone going through that, and I know personally a few people going through that, it just feels so great to come out on the other side, you know, to see light and to you know, see sunshine, and you know there's things you can do for yourself. One thing I always made sure that I did in my darkest times. My rules for myself. You gotta get up early and take a shower, like when you wake up, go take a shower and get dressed. Even if you're getting dressed
was putting on a fresh new pair of pajamas. But you do have to get up that you can't lay in bed. Yes, and you've got to walk around the block. One time that was some of my self care. And but the thing is, when I'm walking around the block, I'm making out with a dog.
I see I'm seeing people take well, I am mooing, and you know, like.
Look at little kids.
And when people tell me, you, guys, guess what he's about to become a full long podcast.
Okay, because we still had time with the videographers and.
We have to still do our still have to do our or yes, welcome home everybody, but.
We had them until we still have to cut what we're cutting from the podcast.
Okay, we was gonna make a special announcement. I'll tell y'all, Oh tell us, but you want to announce it, don't make it in.
The mini, don't make it in the many why.
Kind of think of what it is.
I'll make it on rhee. On that note, have a great week, everybody.
Welcome Home, Welcome Home.
Native Lampard is a production of iHeart Radio in partnership with Reason Choice Media. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.