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Literally die for her. I was so nervous about the litter box portion of getting a cat. And honestly, I think it was like the number one thing that was keeping me from being a cat owner. Litter robot by whisker is the solution to all of your litter box problems. It's self-cleaning technology automatically cleans after every use. So your cat will always have a fresh bed of litter. And your friends won't think that your house smells like a litter box.
I feel like Daphne is unique in so many ways, but I actually feel like Daphne is more of a clean freak than other cats. I don't know why I feel like that, but I feel like she gets especially happy when I clean up her area. So the fact that her litter is always rotating. I know that when she's in there, she feels clean. And that means a lot to me.
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That's it. Thank you so much. You can just listen to the whole back catalogue. We'd love that. Am I right in thinking this is due to overwhelming popular demand, James? Well, you know, I love the social medias. You do all of them. I still like to check what's going on on there. And people keep... It's not legal. You can do that. I still check Twitter even though, you know, it's going to the docks. A X now, no? X. X. They're calling it.
And yeah, people are constantly telling us their favourite moments, their favourite memories of the show, whether it's Jamie's accent, you saying f*** off? Me and my talking cat, which people always eat on me. Hello. So yeah, we thought it wouldn't be fun to have all those best moments in one place. I couldn't agree more. Also, you just reminded me that Logan Roy has stolen my catchphrase. Now I would say Logan Roy is a more famous f*** off than me. Yeah, that's true.
Are you saying that the f*** off in succession is an Easter egg of my dad right before I? Look, I didn't say it. You said it, but it seems to make sense. The way that Chris and Scott Thomas in Fleabag is clearly an homage to Blender. What's that? Or she plays Blender who's like a award winning businesswoman, though? Are they meet at the bar after the event? Yes, I've never thought about it. So you're saying all of culture are not... Your head's got too big for your body, my darling.
That's got too big face. Literally impossible. It's probably get a hat on that head these days. But yeah, so we thought that we'd do some kind of better episodes and kind of starting in the most logical place, which is the most embarrassing childhood stories of the three of us. We really overshare on this show. You've often talked about this podcast being instead of Therapy Jamie. And I feel like when you do Therapy, you go back to those early years. Yeah, exactly.
And that is what we've done here. And we're going to be releasing an episode every month with a different theme. That's the idea, isn't it? Yeah. Really loose or quickly crowbar in themes. Absolutely. And stuff that's not just bellinda stuff, like the stuff that's like our stories, weird things that have happened. Yeah, because we did a best off book for every series. So if you want your favorite lines, they're still there as well. Go and listen to those. Listen to whole episodes, maybe.
And for those that know it inside out, back to front, 69, the shape of two naked women, there's also... Oh, Alice, one naked lady. Oh, it's even more confusing than that. It's just one naked lady. How quickly should you figure it? Then there are some new bits too. Yeah, if you keep listening to the end of the episode, we might have slaughtered in something we have never played before. I wonder why it didn't make the cut. No, do you know what? It's kind of been strange actually.
Honestly, it's like, because when I've been editing this show over the years, there've been so much stuff that I kind of did want to include that was funny. But the show's kind of got longer and longer as the series have gone on. And we've always been quite judicious. Yeah, and just wanted to put the best stuff in it. So it isn't that it's just crap that wasn't good enough. It's just that there really was no place for it.
So I think it's going to be quite fun for people to listen to the stuff that didn't make it. So you mean all those emails I sent after every episode about, like, where's my funny joke about this? Where's my funny joke about that? You actually were listening and you were compiling a little sort of like, I guess, scrap spin. Yes. So stay listening to the end for scraps. Oh. What's they call it in a pub or that, or the beer that's swill? That's swill. The swill, the swishy swill pit.
And I'm just so glad that you know, people have been waiting for this thing that we've been teasing that we're not gone forever. Uh, this isn't that. No, we just make that clear as well. Oh, so this isn't that? No, this is just something to whet your whistle in the meantime, Alice. Keep your tip wet. Thank you. Keep it wet with that swill, lovely. So yeah, so this episode is going to be all about kind of the childhood trauma really that we shared with you all.
Because we talk a lot about being kids. For a porn show, yeah. Well, that did mostly come from you, Jamie, because you probably had the, the, the oddest childhood of us all. Right. The most non-traditional. Yeah, unconventional. I mean, we didn't get to the half of it, but yeah, sure. Well, this is a good opportunity to just scratch the surface a bit more, I suppose, because we're hearing this episode about your friends, about your pastimes.
But I'm trying to picture you as a, as a young boy in school. Yeah, set the scene. Oh, it'll amaze you that I was quite badly bullied. And not just because I was, you know, in the air cadets and, you know, in the what, sorry. It's shut down. I was in the air cadets. What? What that is? Is that the red arrows? It's like, yeah, like youth, I guess like youth, R-A-F, can you? I guess. Oh my god, how's that happening? Oh my god, the swills at the front. There's a thick head of swills.
It was quite big, I think, in like the 90s. Like, different. We grew up in the 90s. It was not. No, no, like, the TA, there was like the territory, I remember the time. Wait, it was in the territory of army. But it was like the life in Burma. You weren't there, man. You weren't there. We don't talk about it. It's too traumatic. No, I remember there being like a youth branch of the army, but the air cadet. Yes, so that's for the air cadet. Sorry, you know how to pilot a flight.
Right, I know I left before any of that kind of substantive stuff was learned, but yeah, I was a member of the air cadets. What'd you do in the air cadets unless you're flying? It was very kind of like training camp kind of vibes. Which obviously I wasn't very well equipped for. When did you have time between your life drawing and your theatre pass? Like, where did you have time for air cadets? For what? To serve the country. Bear in mind, I have one of... Shoo, salute Alice.
We were just... I just didn't even know you were a captain in the air force. One of four kids. I think my parents just wondered as out of the house for as much time as possible. So we kind of had to do things every night of the week. Oh my god, please tell me what you wore. What did you wear? It there was a uniform. There was a uniform. What? Have you got pictures of this? I don't know. Surely on your pilot's license, as a photographer. I'd never even got in a plane.
That's the worst thing about it. What did you do? I don't really know. I remember going to this kind of hut outside of the town that we lived in. And Chester. And we were just like going to that after school and like, do drills and stuff. And I guess we learned... We learned off what? We like learn about things like survival techniques. Do you think he has survived? He was going to say he's a life of this day. So, training's worked. But like, you know, you'd like... Take your teacher something.
I'd like navigation and stuff. And like, you'd do... Was it like Top Gun? I'd be like... I was just going to Google the air cadets because it was obviously years ago. The fact that this is spilled out of his mouth so quickly. Yeah. The Royal Air Force Air cadets. Oh, he's added that. So, like, this isn't me. That's even worse than I imagine. It isn't fair, right? It's a fair... Bring that closer. And it's like... I'm not sure... Obviously, that's the modern uniform.
So, like, back in the night... Did you have all those badges? I don't think I had badges. That's when he could fit a hut on his head before it got too big. Oh... Anyway, this is a real tangent. I didn't even mean this to be a massive thing, but yes, how long were you in the air cadets? Oh, a couple of years. I think it was kind of, you know, I don't know if you guys did... Cubs and beavers and stuff. Yeah. It was kind of like the next thing along from that, because I was never a scout.
The air cadets just sounds way more prestigious than Cubs. It was a proper thing, yeah. I don't think I was that well suited to it, but... I was really reluctant to come today, but this has already paid dividends. Like, if we just get this, I'm thrilled. There's always something, isn't there? He's an endless well of just like random facts. A biography. There's always more biography. Yeah. I mean, I'll be honest with you, there's more than even I know. Do you know what I mean?
Like, I forget things like this. Mmm. Like, I used to sing in the choir, the local church, you're having to have to do like, few rules and things. Like... James, I can't. I can't. I can't. Just don't want to do it. James, I just don't want to do it. Just don't want to do it. And the worst thing about that was... I didn't read sheet music. So my first day, he like, like, the choir master, like, gave me this song and he was like, so just just sing the first note. Didn't know what it was.
I was so close. Didn't know what it was. So I went, Lord! It was meant to be like, Lord. So I didn't even know anything. I feel weak. Anyway, yeah, look, read my autobiography. James, sing it. Lord, a funeral. I... How many of you must I have ruined? I do worry about that. Oh, thinking running away from the butcher's dog as somebody's coughing gets carried down the aisle. Man, it's like how wiggly Houston started. Anyway, so yes, this is an episode about childhood.
I think we just ended it there. Tip of the iceberg. I don't know this man. I couldn't stand in a court of law and say I know this man. Well, Al, if you like that, it's plenty more than that came from. Should we get going with the best of? Yes. Yeah. And stay tuned at the end for this unheard piece of swill. When I was a kid, we had a family friend who'd like humiliate you by going, Little finger laugh at you. Little finger laugh at you. And he'd like, you know, his held.
He'd wiggle his little finger your way, he'd be like, Little finger laugh at you. I'd be like, Carl, get that little finger away from me. It's a strange boy. Have you ever been laughed at by Little finger? It's one of the most humiliating experiences. Was he a grown man? He was a grown, he's my dad's friend. What? I thought he was another child. No, he's my dad's friend. And then like my sister would join in, so it's like a chorus of, Oh, he's just being a little affectionate.
Well, why would they laugh at you? Look, he's probably a titting round about something like that. Little finger laugh at you. Little finger laugh at you. Let's see if he still reacts to it, Jamie. Little finger laugh at you. No, don't. Little finger laugh at you. Did you have to waggle it like that? Up and down. Like the little finger is like belly laughing. Oh my god, that's awful. It's kind of really creepy and sinister, isn't it? Little finger laugh at you. You do a strange voice of it.
That's the voice you two. Little finger laugh at you. You still friends with this gentleman? Is he in your life? No, not anymore. And I'll never forget it, actually. It really bothered me. It's got that Pavlovian effect to it. Like when you guys did it then. That's true. It happened to deep, deep shame. What's weird about it is it's not the little finger laugh at you. The conjugation of the phrase is confusing. Little finger laugh at you.
Little finger laugh at you, Carl. You're a terrible grammar. Would this be worse? Index finger laugh at you. No, it's a little, isn't it? It's like, what have you got to be so happy about the whole thing? Even the little finger laugh at you. Even the run to being... Yes, you're right, is that, isn't it? Is that belittling? With this lovely manicure, does it make any better? LAUGHTER MUSIC When I was a kid, we had some friends who had all daughters.
And we were around playing one day, maybe like dressing up with like a clown or something with makeup and things. Yeah. When it was time to go home, I went to the bathroom and found a flannel and started to wipe my face with it. And then one of the girls rushed in and said, no, stop, Jamie, that's the bottom flannel. LAUGHTER What a bottom flannel. Don't think about it too much. It was the flannel that they used to wash their bottoms. All of them. Collectively as a family. The bottom flannel.
I don't think they had. Not more than the bottom flannel. Not that's Gillie's bottom flannel. That is the bottom flannel. Yeah, so I was obviously multiplied, dropped it and I was like, ah, the bottom flannel, honestly, and now the word flannel, I can't hear it without having flashbacks, much like blended with the trailers. Oh, you had bottom all over your face. Oh, James. LAUGHTER I know the feeling. LAUGHTER James likes so much. So good. LAUGHTER When's the bunch line?
LAUGHTER I love that story. The bottom flannel. Isn't that right? Can we try and get hashtag bottom flannel trending this week? Oh, my God, that would make my life. LAUGHTER Did you have a bottom flannel growing yet? If anybody had a bottom flannel growing up, please do get into it. It's the main reason I use a hot cloth or muzzle in on my face. I could never go there again with the flannel. MUSIC OK, right. What is that? This is niche. So when we were... James, you sound like you knew.
I do know this one. You've told me about this before. So when we were kids, the parental's were like, we're going to go for a week away. So we thought centre parks, Oasis. Any of the go-to's. Hoes seasons. That would be very appropriate for Bill and... You're really word. No, we rocked up at Sandy Balls. LAUGHTER Which is kind of like a centre park. No, you did. No, we really did. Sandy Balls is real. Yeah. Yeah, it's real. Well, I don't know if it's still around, but it was around.
No, no, no, no, it is. I saw Advertisers on the tube like last year. No, there you go. Did Rocky find the card in a... Kind of disused telephone box. Where did he find out about it? So weird, right. But it was actually a really nice place. But just what a name. Is it deliberately a bit silly? It wasn't knowing... I mean, I was so little, I don't really know, but maybe it was kind of a bit of an eye eye. Is it a chain of Sandy Balls? I think it's only one Sandy Ball. Is it only one Sandy Ball?
It doesn't want a Sandy Ball. So she's like, oh, really? Oh no, she said it was all the entertainment value of a week of Sandy Balls, so... Is that a lot of entertainment, Ali? Oh, it's very, very well done all the time. LAUGHTER What sort of things are we talking about? Cabaret Nights. Cabaret Nights. You know, paints... Paints. Paints. Wow. Paints. Oh my goodness. Cabaret Nights, we had paints. Tonight, the place in general, and paints. LAUGHTER Oh, the paints you can imagine. We've got red.
We've got blue. And ladies and gentlemen, we've got green. LAUGHTER We've got canvas. LAUGHTER No, you bring the canvas. We're up with the paint. No, we painted plates. That's worse. LAUGHTER I like the sound of paints, Nights. LAUGHTER I like the blue mangrove. I like the blue mangrove. I think they had a series of tins of wall paint, and then they'd open them and go, oh, it's been one. Guess the colour, guess the colour, guess the colour. It's called Midnight Express.
What colour ladies and gentlemen? That's going to be a blue. It's going to be a blue. Do you know what? It was a blue. It was. Yeah, it was. I did so well at paint. Oh, god. It's like a bingo car. You've got all the sandpulls, and you have to get them all. LAUGHTER And all the Flintstones, like, oh, what a great paint, Nights. Oh, my god. Just went back every year for paints. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER This is a paid advertisement from BetterHelp. We're getting to the end of the year.
It's time when you look back and you think about, you know, who's helped you in your life and the kind of year you've had. Jamie, is there anyone in your life you'd like to say thank you to? Well, my first kind of thought was to say thank you to my dad, Rocky, for writing these books. But then I thought, no. That's not the right person to thank. The right person to thank is my mum. Yeah. For letting this whole thing happen. Very good. In the first place.
So, yeah, I think it's kind of lost on us now how kind of weird this is, the concept that my mum was fine with it. It's kind of wild. And you've gone on a journey to be able to be grateful to your mum. But to be able to even consider being grateful to your dad for his porn, I mean, that is a wild ride you've been on. And Jamie, do you know who you're forgetting to thank in all this? Who? Yourself darling. Oh, right.
Because it's sometimes hard to remind ourselves that we're trying our best to make sense of everything. And in this crazy world, this isn't easy. And God knows Jamie, you've been on a crazy ride. You have made lemonade out of lemons. That's true. You've made lemonade out of grapefruit, gosh, I don't even know how you've done it. But you have. And in all seriousness, you may very well thank yourself for starting therapy.
Because it can be a great place for learning positive coping skills, how to set boundaries, how to empower you to be the best version of yourself. How to communicate with members of your family, Jamie, that perhaps were difficult to communicate with before over there. Unusual literary choices. It can be a real eye opener. So if you're thinking of starting therapy, give better help a try. It's entirely online designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.
Let the gratitude flow with better help. Visit betterhelp.com slash my dad today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp. Help help.com slash my dad. Explaining football to the friend who's just there for the nachos? Hard. Tailgating from home like a pro with snacks and drinks everyone will love. Any easy win. And with Instacart helping deliver the snack time MVP's to your door, you're ready for the game in as fast as 30 minutes.
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Everybody knows about Daphne, they know I just got a cat. I would literally die for her. I was so nervous about the litter box portion of getting a cat. And honestly, I think it was like the number one thing that was keeping me from being a cat owner. Litter robot by whisker is the solution to all of your litter box problems. It's self-cleaning technology automatically cleans after every use.
So your cat will always have a fresh bed of litter and your friends won't think that your house smells like a litter box. I feel like Daphne is unique in so many ways, but I actually feel like Daphne is more of a clean freak than other cats. I don't know why I feel like that, but I feel like she gets especially happy when I clean up her area. So the fact that her litter is always rotating, I know that when she's in there, she feels clean. And that means a lot to me.
There are over one million happy pets and pet parents who have upgraded to litter robot. So what are you waiting for? Right now, whiskers offering $75 off litter robot bundles and as a special offer to giglers, you can get an additional $50 when you go to stop scooping.com slash a cast. That's an additional $50 off when you go to stop scooping.com slash a cast. Stop scooping.com slash a cast. Guys, what is this? Oh, acrylic. It's acrylic. It's acrylic. You guessed it. It was eggshell.
Sorry, everyone. My name's Matt. Just a little joke. My name's Matt and this has been paid. I think we've really struck on something. It's the Glossiest Night at Sunday Goal. Oh my god. My brother used to laugh in his sleep. Oh, that's creepy. I know. Also, one time I had a cabin bed. You know, I had a bunk bed, but it's raised nothing underneath. I had a small desk for my eight-year-old needs in the kind of admin department. But I had one of those. And one night, I was laughing hysterically.
My dad heard it, woke him up. That's how loud I was laughing. Like, down the hall came in. I was running up and down the bed. Oh. Knowing when to turn around. Weird. Like, laughing, seraphate. I always thought you were a demon. I'm running up and down. Dr. Robin's style, like, they were worried I was going to fall off the end of the bed. I didn't break my neck. So my dad lifted me down just pissed all over him. He didn't see that twisted yet. That is some exercise shit. Did your head rotate?
Yeah, why? Well, I think what you both forget about me is that I'm actually an award-nominated actor. So, you know, this is all a bit of a breeze to me. What was this? The role again? I was Alice. I don't know if you know this about me. I was nominated for Best Actor in a Leading role at the Cheshire One Act Festival for playing Toad in Toad of Toad Hall in 1996. This makes so much sense, brilliant. Alice, poop, poop. Hang on. I see it. I see it.
Nicely arrogant Toad. And that is what we call you behind your back and now I know why. 1996, you would have been like 10. You already nominated, did you win? I didn't win. Oh, it was. That was really sad. I know, it was. Who won? I think an old man. Wait, was this all ages? Yeah. Jimmy, he needed an award before he died. He was a veteran. Also, somebody was like, who let the 10-year-old enter? No, it was the Cheshire One Act Festival. Everyone could enter.
Everyone's welcome famously. The Cheshire One Act Festival. Absolutely. So, you're used to the stage. I mean, this is nothing new to you. Well, I haven't tried the boards in many years, but I'm shut up! Well, actually, now you mention it. I should also draw on some stage experience. I don't like to brag, but I was cast. Because of my portally frame, in year five, as the butcher in Oliver. Oh, my God. What did you say anything? I see more meat on a lamb chute, Mr. Bamble. Oh, that's very good.
Thank you. Did you have a song? No, no, just that was it, and then I scuttled off. Oh, no, actually, now you mention it. I did join in in the chorus of, consider yourself, but I didn't realise the second time you sang it. You only sang it once. So I went, can't! And nobody else sang along. It was awful. I was the butler in Joseph in his technical dream co. The butler, there is no butler. There is a butler in Go Go, Joseph. So you like play servants? Honest, honest folk.
You are the master of the manner. When I was a kid, my mum used to take us to all the party places for holidays. I'd be like 12 when we'd be in like Iron Apple. Maggala. Maggala. Cavos, we went to Cavos. It's huge. Shit, oh. Is it horrible? It's a shame. And especially when you're 12, you're like, what do I do here? Everyone is naked and kissing each other. Mummy, why did those two men hug for so long? Why are those people hugging on the beach and shaking? Shaking.
Is that all you learnt from your tricks of the trade? No, famously not as a fact kid, and also as a kid. Mainly the first one. Well, I've never trained in the dramatic arts, James, you have, I imagine. When I was a kid, I did do free Saturday morning drama near my house. Actually, I did something similar, like just in the Methodist Church. I mean, it wasn't Methodist acting. It would just happen to be in the Methodist Church. Wasn't very good. It's giggled a lot.
I obviously grew up in the first place. Yeah, we know, we know, we know. It's the most of our youth backstage at the theatre. To the club theatre in Octrian. Not most of us youth on stage, most of us youth backstage. It's just how you, everything you need to know. Swilling and vodka tonic backstage. Lying during and out. Sagar and hand, do you hear for? Why are you backstage on theatre? I should just hang out at the theatre because all the mates will have to do it.
You didn't just hang out at the theatre. We are my sister, we did, and our friends. Did you mean all your mates were there? The weekend. It's all too late. Well, all of your 40-year-old actor mates. Hi Mum, can my friend come over for dinner? Yes, sure darling. He was at 50-year-old Michael Smith. Oh my God, that was a very camp old man called Mike. He used to walk with a cane. I don't know whether it was for a prop or he actually had a limb, but he really made that cane work for him.
What, and you just hang out at the theatre? No, no, he was in the club theatre, but we would go. So there was like, there was like, there was like, there's so much to refuse. Why were all your childhood friends 50-year-old men? They weren't. And all my friends were just kids that were my age. Yeah. But then there was an upper tier of, um, but why were you hanging out backstage at the theatre? That's what I don't understand. You kind of wander around.
No, you can. That was what was great about it. And we were just, we'd write plays and we'd... Write plays. What are you doing? Foul! How did you write plays? I only know that I was toad of toad hall. We've talked about it. You were in a play where you were toad of toad hall. We've heard that till the cows come home. But I'm with James very unusual behaviour to just be... I'm wandering around the aimlessing backstage. I'm wandering around aimlessly. I was hanging out.
Right, seven years of writing plays backstage with 50-year-old Michael Smith on his came. Me and Mike were, why are you living in? We weren't friends, Mike and I. We weren't, we weren't not friends, but you know, it would have been weird to hang out. Did you invite Widow Tanki to your birthday party when you ate? It was actually really fun. Defensive, quite defensive about Mike, isn't it? Yeah. That big Mike about Uncle Mike. That's a big, how is Mike getting so much back in airtime? Who's Mike?
I think we've really done that. That's a name I haven't heard in many a year. Oh, wow. We have Vicky Lane. She... Vicky Peik. Vicky Peik. ...torters. Val Harris. These are made up names. No, these things. But they do sound like old world drum pieces. Yeah, Val Harris. Val Harris. They were great. They were really fun. And Dad used to pick us up, so... What did you just leave you there? Yeah, and then we'd like put on plays and Mum and Dad would come and see us in them and stuff.
Why is he acting so casual? He's so casual. Yeah, why is he delivering it so straight? Alice, some people are still going to quiet. Others bake bread. I... I don't know. That's a good thing. It turns a child. This is mind boggling that we've never heard this before. That's the saw. What a bizarre childhood. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know how ridiculous the eccentric my parents are. Is it much of a... Is it really a surprise? Everything's starting to piece together.
It's all starting to make a lot of sense. You need to go and be creative and, you know, express yourself. I know, but I thought you had a grasp on how batshit that was. No, I'm done because you're delivering it in such a weird way. Why won't you come back to us? I've talked to you later in the club theatre, Alice. You know that bit in Home Alone 2 where the homeless woman lives in the roof of the theatre? That's what I'm imagining for Jamie. He's set up shop at the back of the business.
Oh, it's fun. Oh, my God. Anyway, this is a whole, honestly, a side of Jamie I've never heard about. He's way more fespy than he ever let on. It's weird. Yeah, it was an interesting time. So... Don't say something for the whole thing. I can't wait to read his memoirs, honestly. They're going to be... We know a fraction of his life. You know when they say we know 1% of the things that live under the sea? I feel like we know the tip of the iceberg about this man. Yeah, what makes him tick?
Why is he so good at accents? Exactly! I'm not. I'm terrible as everyone tells me on Twitter every day. Well, we know who to blame. Val Harris. Megan. All right, P. Oh, is she left us? Not with a swimming, so I mean she's pretty old. She's pretty old when they were friends. There's been so many funerals. Oh, my God. Honestly, you shouldn't have to lose so many funerals. First of being a 70-year-old with 80-year-old pals. Anyway. Would you first go for a 60? Veronica Lane. She was a beauty.
She left me her entire fortune. Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, my God. Why has he had this a whole other life? Oh, my God. One of my friends from the club that came to my 30th birthday, actually, you might have met in Patrick. He was the chap in the corner in the wheelchair. He's a fella doing the chasm. He was an iron man. He has some wonderful stories about the war. I hope you managed to catch up with him. It's our age. Oh, my God. Two fucking funny.
Paul, fucking Harris. Jamie Moore and you have lived a life and so have your friends. Have you ever had a penpile? Yeah, I did, actually. Did you? On a few occasions. So weird. Oh, God. Wrote to. Imagine your boyfriend. Well, I was really sad to... No. I was really sad. She's going red. This is going to be gorka. Finally, Alice's childhood is so cute. Yeah, finally, geez. I was particularly sad. Okay, you must have, we get it. To leave one teacher's class at primary school. And so I wrote.
Back and forth or you just send them letters and they wouldn't reply. No, she would reply. She replied, oh my God, I honestly don't know what's that. She wrote them or they should reply. Quite long letters as well. Save that. Oh, oh. Well, you just in the next class. I think. To that see each other at lunch. Wait, for the letter. I caught your reflection through the window today. I miss you ever so darling. It will love letters. Great assembly, the other day. I loved it. See, see.
Where did you get that skirt? I'd love one myself. Love how high-waisted it is. Yeah, she was a much, obviously, much, much older woman. How old? She was very old. Oh, so she wasn't like one of those young teachers that you've done a kind of kinship with. It was a very strange time in my life. But yeah, we went back and forth a bit and then I think, you know, naturally, you peed it out. Yeah, it was a physical one. When she just stopped responding. What would you write to her?
What would you be saying? What was going on with us, you know, just going on in our lives? And it ended what when you graduated university or... I should have them do to write back. And then now I say it out loud. If my kid was writing letters to the teacher. I actually think like, because now, yeah, it would be considered weird. But I think it's quite sweet. It is quite sweet, I suppose. But like, I also... Oh, God, how many she got? I had quite a few...
See, Alice Penpal, I've been so, everyone. Quite few. I won't go into the more because I don't want to betray any conferences. But, um, meant they were all... They were all marked... Elderly. Much older. Much older. And you had the cheek to mock my club theatre friends. I give up. You literally were writing to old people. And I... I at least... knew these people. I can just imagine a letter bombing old people's homes and things. Just hoping someone would laugh.
You don't yet to let us send those parcels of tins on Harvest Festival. Alice just slipped in loads of notes for all the residents. I had a penpal as well. Someone my age. Okay. My year five teacher was a bit weird. We'd go around to his house to use the computer and stuff like that. It was all a bit weird. What? Yeah. He was lovely. He had nothing dodgy, but it was on a bit like stuff you wouldn't do now. But he was a maverick.
He's like... I was a ball boy at a test match between England and India. Because of him. He was a big cricket fan. So he... I was a ball boy at the... Wow. And what else do you do? He used to have music lessons with this. I know all the back catalog of Sting and the police. Because of him. He'd like play a sting song. Sorry. He plays like messy... I'm learning so much about you both. It's not to compute. He plays like messaging a bottle and has us like analyser.
He's like, what do you think this is about? And I'm like, I'm a messaging a bottle, I guess. And he's doing the title. Do we need to listen to the title? James always been very literal. Yeah. Anyway, so one thing... One of the things he did was he partnered with the school in West Yorkshire. Hebden Bridge, actually. Oh, yeah. I know it. And we'd all have a penpal in that class. Very sweet. I forget the name of mine. But we then went to... What? Such a bond.
We then went to Hebden Bridge for a week. For a week? To live with our penpals. Oh my god. What did you find? Yeah, but the funniest thing is... So it was almost like a cultural exchange with Yorkshire. I mean, we're in these middens like... It's gonna say it's like a farm. Oh, we teach them. So we had to prepare performances to like show each other when we got there. Your culture. Yeah. But we... He had us learn Westside Story. Oh, wow. Not really your culture to be fair.
If anything, cultural appropriation. A completely cultural appropriation. So yeah, I was the lead dancer. Obviously. I had to learn the dance of the videotape for America. Do you know that one? It's quite... Oh, yeah. Might not be in Jurassic. And another track called G. Officer Crupkey. Yeah. And... This is special. And we would learn the dancers of... Off the video. And then we performed them in front of the class in West Yorkshire. So were you Tony? I was the lead in both.
I was the lead dancer. Because America is... Well, I think they're the two different sides, both those songs. I was the Puerto Rican side. Well, you were for America, but you were also very much the American side for G. Officer Crupkey. It's very belletic and very... You know, these... The people in the film are amazing. Jerome Robinson. He was no slouch. So the Nottingham people were doing Westside Story. Yes. And what were the... You were the Yorks love. Oh, I forget, I forget.
I think they probably just read a poem. Boring. Like, a long dance routine. If you've got through security, though, it was something a bit dodgy. Like, if you've got through, you're like, oh my god, I've got this like, pin. Why'd you got pins? I don't know. But like, if you've got through with something where you're like, probably shouldn't be able to have this on a plane. I once went through security with a cake fork in my bag. Okay. Why did you have a cake? I don't know. I was really...
Oh, let me guess from your time being a professional participatory chef at the age of five. You and Val. I think I was just eating all the cakes, to be honest with you. But no, yeah, they really mean to you. You're sorry. Why did you have a cake fork? I don't know. It was just in my bag, I think. What is it called? What is a cake fork? Yeah, a cake, but very, very long prongs. Like quite a lethal piece of cake. What, you think so, Sherlock?
And did you insist upon a cake fork anytime you eat a cake? Well, I'd love to eat this red velvet cake, but I can't see a cake fork in it, man. I'll have to leave it until you're still. Mummy, mummy, I know we're going on the big trip, but don't forget to pack my cake fork. I'm bloody hell, I'm going to cake fork in my bag. What about light? You two are horrible people. Oh, my god, cake fork, honest to god.
Every time you learn something like that about him, does it just make you question why we've been friends so long? I just imagine when he was a kid, he was just a little Lord Fondler-oy. So not true, that was the way I was. A little precious little deer. I feel like he didn't walk, he trotted around. He was talking nose in the air, holding his cake fork, writing plays, calling his mum, mother. Oh, mummy. I'm saying, incredibly bullied, actually, but you're amazed me. So mean.
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That's LinkedIn.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be to be. After a day. After a day. So my mum called me in the summer and she was like, she basically wants me out of her house completely. She wants any memories out of the house. Really? She's changed. Yeah, you used to be the absolute golden child. Oh, that's long gone. So she was like, yeah, there's loads of crap in the loft of yours. Come and clear it out. I want it out.
But I found something that is so low. I thought I had to show it with you. Oh, right. Bit of context. Do you remember on like a really random footnotes ages ago? I talked that I did drug abuse resistant education at school, dare. Oh, yes. Yes, yes. Yeah, didn't you like write a song or something? I wrote a song. A rap. I found the lyrics. Oh, my god. Brilliant. Okay. Now this is... Merry Christmas, everyone. I found the lyrics. Let me get them out. Oh, wow. It's typed.
It's a simply called dare song. I'm just going to read it you bit by bit. Maybe we can do the same format as I don't know. My dad wrote a polo where I read a bit. You give me your thoughts. Are you going to do it to the rhythm? I think you should do it as a performance piece, really. I don't know what the rhythm was, but I'll give it a try. Just go for it. Oh, sorry. Just for context. What was the brief for the song? There wasn't a brief. No one asked me to do this. But this is a...
But this is a... But this is about drugs. This is about drugs. At school. A very serious... But we can also do this. Story James is life. OK. For 17 weeks we've been learning about drugs. 17 weeks... LAUGHTER That classic period of time. For 17 weeks we've been learning about drugs and what they can do to you. Assertiveness alternatives and drug abuse too are all in the lessons by the dare crew. I'm not unusual with them. This is... It's not I am bit pentameter, is it?
Drug abuse, resistance, education, cannabis, speed and the smoking properly. Yes! LAUGHTER I don't smoke you but they had drug users there. Yeah, I've got to smoke you. No, they did always say that was a gateway, didn't they? I was going to get a way of drug, of course. Yeah, tobacco is a gateway drug. So cannabis speed and the smoking population do not know what's right but do know what's wrong and that is the reason we're wrapping this song. You don't wrap a song. James, there's no weir.
It's you on your own. Who's... Who's the weir? Like I can rope any other fucking... So just the person who's part and then the gospel choir come out. Yeah, exactly. I'll see you. Um, we've come to tell you one and all, one little important thing. That's the first and this is the chorus. Okay. That drugs are wrong and drugs are right. That's very... That's a very good piece of message. That's it. LAUGHTER So wait, 17 weeks and you still don't know.
Deer cannot endorse this message, you know what I mean? Some people take them to sleep at night. So like, I think I meant like a nightmare, so I heard something. Oh, right. Why are you putting that caveat in? Why do you need to clarify that? I don't know. Some people take them to cure their sickness. And some people take them for the heck of it. LAUGHTER This is the chorus. The little suckers. I'm just losing the rhythm of this. Just read this chorus bit again, sorry.
Because it's an anthem, so I think you're in a stadium. But we should all join in. That drugs are wrong and drugs are right. Some people take them to sleep at night. Some people take them to cure their sickness. And some people take them for the heck of it. We're wrapping this song. It won't take long. And this is already taking ages. It's taking fast, good luck. LAUGHTER It's taking 17 weeks, it feels like. But we have a question. A drugs right all wrong.
I feel like I answered that at the start of the chorus. No, they're not so wrong and right. I think this is my favourite look in the world. LAUGHTER And then it just says, I just want you to know one little important thing and then we go back to the chorus. The drugs are wrong and drugs are right. Some people take them to sleep at night. So I want you to know one little thing. Drugs are wrong, drugs are right. You aren't telling us anything. Why are you still on the fence?
Then it's chorus twice. Wow, it's powerful. It's powerful. It's like Stan, isn't it? By Eminem, it's one of those songs that's going to... James, that was absolutely incredible. Thank you. Isn't it absolute nonsense? LAUGHTER So can I just say, I was 10 when I wrote that. That's true. OK, so... That is a work of a tenured. I know what you're thinking. That's a professional. He's 10, so he's got two years of sun to left when you wrote that. LAUGHTER Just a really putting hot test for you.
Oh, God. Oh, I would say is that you have a lot of cheek mocking my dad. I mean... He was 10. Jamie, you're... You're 10. Probably nearly 70. He's 60, 10, yeah. LAUGHTER MUSIC MUSIC I did a... A... What was it called? Um... An NVQ, is that? You've done it... Oh, here we go. What? So, Jamie, why'd you wait until the start of the podcast to reveal all this weird... What, have you done an NVQ? What? I've thought... No, no, no, no, this is when I was a kid. Because I... Would you have a kid?
Do an NVQ? LAUGHTER Did you put the internet to Australia? This is basically a degree. Is it? No, I used to... Back in Luria when I was four. Doing life-suring. You did an NVQ in life-suring when you were a kid. What? It was in... I think it was in the year 10 or 11. And we used to go to the next town along with my school. Um... It was kind of like a night class. I can't look it. And it was night class. Why were you at school at night? LAUGHTER I'm just starting to sound like a great dad.
It was like an NVQ in life-sure. When it was in the year 10, so all 11th, who was doing his GCSEs, but decided to opt into night school? It was one day a week. I did it with some friends. It was fun, but we had to do all of it. How old were the friends? LAUGHTER Well, the woman that we had to draw was... Yes. ...Mata Mantha, I remember. Um, American. And what was great about it, which I mentioned it, was... LAUGHTER ...was that you all were in a circle around Samantha.
To everyone's picture that it did. I wasn't. You were. ...and it was negative. I bet she was great. And she just used to strip off and then, um, we would draw her. But my point being, so when you do it on Zoom, everyone's got the same perspective of your model. So you're all in competition, where was a good thing when I did my NVQ, was that, um... You'd always go for the rear. Your art was never directly compared to each others, because you had a slightly different view.
That is the beauty of an NVQ, isn't it? What a fucking roundabout way to tell us he has an NVQ in life, Doryk. This is where he tells us that you left school at night. Yeah, honestly. Jamie, get it out of your system now before we start. I haven't even started reading the bloody book. I'm so sorry. I've derailed it twice with hot crumbly and an NVQ. I never thought. I never thought. A hidden qualification that he didn't. LAUGHTER Hi, Jordan! I mean, he's just for the surprises.
I think it was by a salt museum, if I remember. Shut up. Um, shut your god damn mouth. LAUGHTER I've had quite enough of you. He's trolling us. If you're not reading the book, I don't want to see that mouth flatten, all right? Deal. Okay, it's by him. That's it. When did I sign up to be part of a podcast that was basically Jamie's autobiography? Where were you? I knew the new slice of his life every week. Why did he opt? 15. 15 years old.
You're interested in girls, you want to go out, you want to get drunk, you want to go out, you want to go out, Jamie opts in for a night class. Oh, because it was one night a week. It was a school night. I mean, I don't. I don't disapprove of anybody bettering themselves, learning a new skill, apart from Jamie and I. And I, and that is my only career. I thought that you would be an ally in this, Alice. You also enjoy throwing my drawings. It's the lies, I can't tell you.
Well, it's not even lies, is it? It's just, it's more... How is it lies? It's a mission. Deception. Deception. Exactly. It's just a world. A sin of a mission you feel. It's a... It just never came up. Who are you? You know why it's so good at all the voices, don't you? He's a spy. I think he is. I don't think he's off-run at all. LAUGHTER MUSIC So if you've made it this far, congratulations. Snap. And as a little reward, we've got a little unheard gem from the archives. I'm cut jam.
An uncut jam. Cut jam. Yeah, enjoy. Have I ever told you my mugging story? No. I don't think so. Is this going to be scary? Was it recent? Terrified. No. I was like... 13. Oh, god. Yes. Can you play some like violin music? No. Um... I had a paper out. I posted the free paper in the Nottingham... The Nottingham... Shout out to the Nottingham Topper. Don't know if it's so existing. No, it's a good Topper. Nottingham Topper. How... Probe of you.
Oh, rude. Um... LAUGHTER Yeah, basically, weekly, free newspaper. I had a paper out. I had to deliver 250 houses in the local area. 250. 150. Oh, 150? Yeah, it took me about two hours. You also had to put that... You got more money if you put leaflets in the papers. Did you have a dump in? I did, actually. I think you can say it now. Start shooting the limitations. It's a little bit... It's an even movie. It's like that. Is this recording? Yes, it is. I'm so glad I'm wearing a wire.
We've got him. LAUGHTER So, yeah, I was doing it one day and I just hear behind me. Oi! Oh, god. Obviously ignored it. Because I know he's never... You're not going to look behind me like, do you want this teddy? It's never good, is it? No, it's never good. Do you want this teddy? Look, if you look behind you, they're never going to look a little bit like, be offering you something, no. It's never going to be your biggest dreams in the world. Like a new teddy.
LAUGHTER What I mean is, someone showing all you, it's not going to be good. It's not going to be a teddy. Oh, my god. All right. I was like, it was 13. And that's what he was dreaming of. He was like, maybe it's not. But, you're a beautiful bear. I think about every night before I close my eyes. I couldn't be. We need the poos, did you? Do you want me cookie? So, I think we've established it wasn't a teddy. Surely it was just someone who was like, will you stop flying tipping my house?
No, but regardless, what I mean is, like if someone shows all you, you don't look back. You don't. You get that knotting up top or through the letter box and you move on. Oh, I'd have dumped those topers. What, I'd just ran. Yes. But then you'd have never known if it was a teddy. LAUGHTER Alice, I don't have that kind of look. You just spent your life thinking, or what if? Boy, you dream. LAUGHTER So, they always get closer. Oh, God. Turn around. This guy's like, give me 50p for cigarettes.
Or that Walkman. Because I had a Walkman on. Oh, I saw 50p all my Walkman. Like, that sort of quizzle of value. Negotiate like that. Do they? I presume. I mean, haven't been mugged. But, obviously, Alice, I'm on my paper and I'm not carrying change. No. All I've got is this Walkman. LAUGHTER Yeah, and he travels with plastic. Also, you had to use the pay 50p for one cigarette. Remember that? This is old money, though. So, 50p. Old money, I'm not that old. 50p now is £10,000.
It was like, give me thruppets. But you used to charge 50p for a cigarette. What do you mean? So, if you wanted to bum a cigarette, bum a cigarette. Bum a cigarette. You would have it with the going rate was 50p. That's mad. That feels so arbitrary, though. Like, that was not like the street rate. Someone could just charge you whatever they want for one cigarette. And there was an etiquette thing, I think.
It was like, if you have a packet of cigarettes and someone wants one, they'll be like, I'll give you 50p for it. But he was mugging, James, to be fair. Sure, sure. So, there was no etiquette involved, that thing? No, there was no etiquette. And I was like, But you have to respect that he was only stealing from you what the going rate was, apparently. Exactly. Okay, for what he was. He wasn't fleecing you. It was mugging you. It's the point. So, in many ways, we're on his side.
Just bought it one cigarette, man. So, as he was confronting me, he was on the pavement and I was on someone's drive having just inserted the topper through their slot. So, speaking. Stop saying you inserted the door. And I was like, well, I don't need him a walkman. It was a good walkman. Yeah. Tape or CD. He was a tape. Which I always found were easier to cycle with when I did my paper round. Yes. You know, CDs just jumped. CDs were jumping all the time. Oh, yes.
So, I'm like, okay, well, I'm not going to go out on the pavement because then I'll be like confronting him. So, I crossed the front garden into the next front garden. I start to cry. Oh, James Cooper. Sweet little James Cooper. Oh, he needed a little cuddle of your teddy, wasn't it? I'm like, leave me alone. Leave me alone. And I think I get so wound up and cry that he flees. Oh, he's over because of toxic masculinity. He's overwhelmed by the emotion.
Yeah, he's like, this guy's like even too much for me and just runs off and leaves me and that's kind of the end of the story. And was it a negotiation tactic? Well, it was all I had, Al. I mean, he like, I always think like, if you're ever confronted with a situation that it's crazy you act the more likely to kind of get out of it. I had a very similar thing happen to me once. Oh, my God. Admittedly much, much older. I was quite drunk in Brixton, actually.
You know, I was leaving a club and I'd like had a bit of a rough night. I think I'd had a row of the mate with my brother. And I was like storming through, you know, the bit outside the ritzy. I do. Yeah. And this drug dealer was like, mate, you want some gear? I've got all the things. Do some drugs. And I just took a pee for a cigarette. They're all the same. And it's turned around to him and I was like, no, I fucking don't fucking prick. Oh, whoa. And then kind of, it's just a vendor.
Right. And then immediately realized who the hell I'd said that to when he was so. It wasn't the King drug dealer. The guy. He was a kingpin. And I, Jamie thinks he's like a guy, Richard Boone. No, it's so unlikely. I know. But I literally, he was like, what the fuck did you say to me? And honestly, I crumbled. You got it. Right. You James. And I just started to, I was so drunk. Highly emotional. I was like, I'm really sorry. I was just a little bit rattle about it.
And if he just takes me, gives me the biggest hug. He gives me the biggest teddy. He, James, he was the teddy. He was the teddy I was looking for. I just didn't know it. He did not have you. Maybe the biggest hug. Like, I was like sobbing into his t-shirt. His t-shirt was soaking wet. And he was like, look, do you want some weed? And I was like, yeah. And then I, my friend, you didn't take it. Did you, Jamie? You said, no, thank you. Oh, yeah, no. And I said, no, that's fine.
I've had a lovely evening. And we went on my way. So I can understand that actually it does help on those moments. And it, it, it, it, like, humanises people. Or just scares them off. Well, just, I think you, you showing vulnerability is a good thing. So if you're ever confronted again, weak. Maybe taking on you now with you and just like rub it under your eyes. And you're going to be safe forever. And you know who that man was. The young boy that mugged James. Oh my god. My god.
Who'd, you, it keeps happening to me. He learned his lesson and he comforted me. Did he really try and run after you? Like, how did it end? No, no, no. I, I think, I was just like embarrassing him. So he just kind of walked off in the, wow. He kept the water. And he did take the water. No, I kept my water. So it's a success story. So I thought that was going to just be a funny story, but actually a genuine ease for once. A pop-lit lanyan in your back pocket. I think so, you won't.
You'll be safe. I think it's just a sign that don't, don't be afraid to show your vulnerability. I think that is the lesson of that story. Although to be fair, vulnerabilities what got you in that situation the first place. So yeah. I mean, I kind of don't know why we didn't include it now. It must have been a length thing. I don't know. Was that just sat on a timeline somewhere? Yeah. So in each episode, I would edit stuff.
And then if I wasn't sure about something, I'd put it at the end of the timeline. And if there was space at the end, I'd be like, OK, it's not your tent or. Yeah, that's what, you're on Stephen Spielberg. LAUGHTER That was a good make of story. Yes, that was fun. That was good. We should do more of these. That was so fun. We'll be back in four whole weeks for another one of these. And it'll be a different theme. It will be a different theme. I'm thinking James is best bits.
Well, I mean, that's basically what the show is as it stands. Thank you. James is tropical bird laugh on a loop for half an hour. Root. James boring stories about how he edits the podcast. Oh, OK. I think we need to go. If you have some favourite bits of the podcast that you think we should include, please do get in touch with us. Normal places, my dad wrote a polo at gmail.com. My dad wrote on Instagram at dad wrote a polo on Twitter slash x. Do we have threads? Are we on threads?
No, should I get some threads? Should I do it? Should I do as a tick talk? Oh, for God's sake, do as a tick talk. OK, I'll try and figure out tick talk in a nice few weeks. I said it now. And yes, thanks so much for listening and see you next month. Bye. you prefer sweet or dry lines, so in every shipment you get bottles tailored to your unique pallet. Go to tryfirstleave.com slash fall to get your first six mines for just $44.95 with free shipping.