The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids. which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? One, two, three, four! Into a precious friendship I could have never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach My life It feels like
You have failed yourself, Griffin. Your job is to stay happy, clown. Get out there and dance in your big shoes. I'll dance. I'll dance. But the dance is going to be like when someone dances in the background of the big bar in Twin Peaks. Like a lot of... They'll be shuffling. And it will be...
They're throwing that. The performance I give will be arresting. It will be captivating. Hi, welcome. Welcome to my brother, my brother, main advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. Vroom, vroom, ka-chow. It's me, Trav Nation, your middlest brother, Travis Big Dog, Woof, Woof, McElroy.
It's Wednesday, February 5th. The morning of Wednesday, February 5th. And I'm Griffin McElroy. That's when we're recording this. I feel like saying that is a good idea. Like holding up the newspaper with the sports score is a good idea. There's two things, very important things I want to talk about. Topical. Topical. Yeah. Okay, good. It's one of them that it is Wednesday, February the 5th, and that show comes out on a different day. We're not there on that one.
Well, whenever it was at the Grammys this past weekend, Benson Boone performed his hit song, Beautiful Things. Yeah. And as he did the intro, Heidi Klum and Nikki Glaser tore his suit off. and he was wearing a blue, deep v-neck, glam rock jumpsuit. And as this man's singing, he runs up onto the stage, and he did a flip off the top of the piano. Cool, what's her name?
And apparently he does this at his live show. What's his name? What's this guy's name? Vincent Boone. And he does that. The beautiful things that I do. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that guy? Oh yeah, that song always gets me going. I think it's unfair. that he can sing so beautifully and do a cool flip off of a piano. You shouldn't be able to do both things where you get to sing way high up, which is so fun, and be able to do a flip off of a piano or anything. That is unfair. I can't do either of those.
And he can. And the only way that I can live. How does he look? Is he like wicked ugly? No. No, he looks cool. He looks so cool. He's a cool looking guy. God damn. It's like if Miles Teller decided to be a little softer, a little curler, a little more glam rock. Damn. God gave with three hands on this one. Damn, Benson Boone. I can only exist happily.
by believing that he sings that good because he is fully dedicated 100% of his energy towards that. And then seeing that he can also do flips. And I'm like, what else can he do? He's probably a good baker. Cool. And then he later apologized for aggressively adjusting himself in that jumpsuit during the performance. Oh, I feel like that's unfair that he should do. Should he gently adjust himself? Is that better than aggressively adjusting himself?
Travis, can I say something, man? It's such a really good question. Because what happened is, Benson Boon is wearing a tight jumpsuit that is restricting. Okay? I'm sorry. It's restrictive. So it is that question of a fast, aggressive... It's the best version of it. He's not belaboring. Because if you think about a slow tender adjustment, that's not appropriate. With eye contact. Yeah, right? Like, that's not appropriate for an audience. And that's his privacy. That's his bathroom stuff.
And everyone's got them. So calm down. Sometimes you never have to adjust your bathroom stuff. That's weird. Unlikely. You don't believe it. The other thing I want to talk about is this occurred to me. When you guys were children, we babbies, did you believe that when you grew up to be an adult that... Groundhog's Day would take on a greater significance as a holiday to you. And it's like, oh, this must be a thing that like grownups.
have built deeply into their psyche, and I as a child simply don't get it. It needs a shot in the arm, doesn't it? Yeah. It needs something. And I get there's a whole town where they're probably wild about this fucking thing. But for the rest of us, the shine is coming off the apple. It just doesn't extend beyond that. No.
It's a single skeet that I see. It's like, saw a shadow, and I'm like, okay, put him away. And the whole holiday in my mind, that seems weird. It needs something else. There's no other traditions around that. Work off. You get work off. That would be sick. That's a big one. Presents. Some kind of feast. That's why if you ever see Rod Stewart turn around and do the butt shake.
What he's actually doing is seeing a shadow to see if there's six more weeks of winter. That's exactly it. He's shaking his little butt and saying like, is that my shadow or not? There's so much. Can see his butt shadow. If a groundhog comes out of Rod Stewart's butt. Think about this. What's the best part of any holiday? That's right.
Hiding Easter eggs because it's the only part of any holiday where you get to go on a little adventure. Think about the opportunities that Groundhog Day would provide if we started to include little adventures in it. Because these guys, they bury themselves in the ground like treasure already.
Ever since David the Gnome, I've dreamed of crawling through an underground cavern. Love to. Like, why not provide that for me to find the groundhog and ask him, like, did you see your shadow? Let's go down there once and bring a camera crew and go. down there there's a lot of conversations that would be hard to have with the aliens but I think this one would be hardest because you have to say like yes the day is called Groundhog Day yes so what's the deal well
We do every year. Ask a groundhog if it's going to be cold for a while. Oh, the groundhog speaks? Huh? The groundhog speaks? No, groundhog sees its shadow. That's... On our planet, all the animals can't talk to each other. Yeah, so it's different. And then they're like, so that's wild. What's the second most notable thing about Groundhog Day? It's like, sometimes you live it over and over again for 10,000 years. What?
Sorry, speak up again? Until you learn to be a good person. The second thing about Groundhog Day is sometimes you leave it over and over again. In our culture, that's the second most notable thing about Groundhog Day. And for some people, those flip flop. Right. Some people, the significance is... So it's a holiday about living it over and over again? No. It gets to that point sometimes. It does feel like that a little bit, but yeah.
It has much more cultural significance, I would say, for a demographic of people, that it's a day where one self reflects for 10,000 years to think about. like their life and how they can be better and have a healthier relationship with Andy McDowell can you even imagine that movie paints that to be like a terrible thing to happen can you imagine 10,000 years of free time holy shit dudes
I'm catching. I would flip off pianos constantly. I would do it. It would take 8,000 straight years of snapping my spine. And was it worth it? No, it wasn't. Because it looks cool, but that was really, really torturous. That is how long it would take.
One cool. I wish that there was a different version of Groundhog Day where the day fell on the day right before they released the finale of Traitors. And so the show is about him trying to like... reconstructs how he thinks it's going to be exactly and then film it for himself like let hit he wants to film his own finale of like tv shows he's writing his own endings yeah so when the actual finale does come out he'd be like well actually
I think this would be more satisfying. I think it's a little something like this. I think it's a little bit more. Wouldn't mind taking a second past that lost ending. Right, guys? 10,000 years. Wow. This is an invite show. Does it have to be? Because I'm really kind of, I feel good in the vibe right now. I feel like I'm in the pocket of the vibe. What if the groundhog came out and aggressively adjusted himself?
that'd be cool does that mean a monsoon's on the way yeah that has to have happened in the hundred years we've been doing this thing that the little guy comes out and then like He grabs his bathroom stuff, as most animals want to do all the time. When I was traveling recently, it was very, very early in the morning. It was like an 8 a.m. flight, so I was going through security at like 6 a.m., and I forgot that the boots that I was wearing always set off.
the metal detector so i had to get scanned and i just take the boots off and the tsa agent looked at me as he was like scanning me with the wand and he said which side is your property on and my first thought was what a cute way to ask me where my balls is
hundred percent what i assumed when you said thank you and then i realized he was talking about where which conveyor belt my stuff was on to put my shoes with them and luckily both things were true so when i said the right that was also where my stuff was But it was such a cute way. I don't want to know. That felt like a long walk to tell your brothers the current state of yours. It's not always there. That's just where my property was at the moment. A needlessly fanciful walk.
To talk about my property? Yeah, because now I'm thinking about what's going on in there, Trav. You may not want me to. Sometimes I split the uprights or the downrights. That is the last one ball on either side. Give him the old droopy dog. Do you know what sucks? Here's what's actually hard. Can I tell you guys what actually sucks? Yeah, please. Is that everybody has seen all the new ads.
That's all they're thinking about right now. Yeah. Is they've seen all the new ads. Oh, they know how it all. And it's like a different. Oh, fuck. We forgot the big game. God dang it. So the thing is. Did the big game happen? The big game just happened yesterday! We forgot about it! We forgot about that! It couldn't have. The big game couldn't have just happened. Let's hope it happened.
Okay, wait. Oh, you're saying it will have just happened. I think it probably happened. Okay, God bless. Wait, why wouldn't it happen, Travis? Griffin, I don't know. No, it will have had happened. It did have happened. I can see a few scenarios where it didn't happen. That's what I'm saying.
You guys broke my brain, and for a moment, I believed that the Super Bowl had come and gone. Something happened where the commission would be like, let's do it next week. It's fucking wild out there. Hey, hey, players, players. coaches, you're not in the mood.
in the mood. We're not in the mood to make a silly podcast joke. I can't imagine these 40 strapping men are ready to catch balls and throw them at each other. You guys don't want to play football this week. We don't want to watch football this week. It's cold. next time we'll get up next time we're gonna play it out on like a tech mobile kind of thing and just see how it goes and broadcast that we're doing the puppy bowl
We already filmed that in the puppy bowl. We're doing the puppy bowl for three hours. The puppies don't know. Everyone agreed to do the puppy bowl for three hours. The puppies aren't on Blue Sky. They're not. They're simply not. Is there a big... Before we started, I said, let's just do a normal one. The guys aren't into, we'll just run the Super Bowl from two years ago because it was the same guys. And no one will remember it already happened. No one. Hey guys, I wouldn't.
100% that would get me. This is what I'm saying. So this is advice. Can I bet on the puppy ball is what I want to know. Who runs? What, Justin? I have a bit of frustration I'd like to talk about with Super Bowl. Hey, yeah. Yeah, this is a safe space. No one's listening. It used to be... It used to be that the Super Bowl was a real buffet for...
fans of branding. Like, if you're a brand fan, you love commercials, you love to see what, like, Madison Avenue has cooked up for us. It's Christmas Day for consumers. Hey, is that why the show Mad Men's called Mad Men? Yes. Because it's Madison? Okay. Never knew that. I thought it was iMen, but they made it mad. It's all those things. They are actually also most of the men in that show, from what little I've seen of it, are...
are pretty P.O.ed most of the time. But now... Also, you gotta be a little mad to work here kind of thing. Yeah, it's four, it's working four ways. Oh my god. Now... These days, though, to rise above the den, you're seeing a lot more brands release their Super Bowl commercial. Oh, man. Before the big game to try to get ahead of it. And this drives me.
crazy yeah can i have one fucking night that i look forward to where the real joy for me is getting to see 10 new commercials i think that's what i'm excited for getting to see if like Like, if, like, they figure out a way to put, like, Indiana Jones in one or something. Like, that's the one. I'm looking forward to that for weeks. It's the silver lining to seeing a player get hurt. We're like, oh, my God. I hope he's okay. Oh, my God.
What? They will take a commercial break. Sorry, no. They will take a commercial break, though. Sorry, what Travis is saying is not an A clause underneath my sub point one. No, Justin, I'm reading between the lines. Get happy when a player gets hurt. You're in a different page, man. And you can see. You're in the index. I'm bummed out by the commercial trailers that we get. One of them is a beer. And I don't know which one. It's a trailer for a commercial?
It's a trailer for David Beckham's God Twin Brother. I remember that. I don't remember the product it's advertising because they don't say it. So a billion dollars well spent. Guinness maybe, I think. They do what they did. Harry met Sally. They got Billy and Meg back for it. And it's miracle whip. Like, that's why it's so good. That's good. I can see that.
That would have been so good, though. Oh, like she eats the sandwich. Save that for me. Save it for me on the Super Bowl. I need that. When that pops up, I can't shush my family. Right. If it's already been online, that's rude. That's why I've been doing an online blackout for the last like three weeks. This bit's not gonna have any legs.
Just so I don't miss commercials, I have no idea what's going on. Yeah, yeah. So the commercials will all be a surprise. Look at that bit. He's trying. You're in for a big surprise. He's trying. Oh, Juice is on board, too. They're trying, guys.
They're on one of those things on the train tracks pumping it up and down. They're trying to get her there. Since I've looked online, I have no idea what's happening. Okay, listen, this is an advice show. This first question is about welding. It's not even a question, Justin. It's feedback from a previous episode. I love feedback. This should be a new segment on the show. Yeah. I'm a welder by trade, and I wanted to chime in on the question from episode 747. Truthfully, I'm at the end of the...
At the end of the day, a welder really just wants commiseration for how big of a pain in the ass it looked to weld. Or if that fails, just say, hell yeah, laying dimes. really loud and that should cover most interactions that's from kevin laying dimes is good yeah i like that that's i'm gonna try to say that at least once during the episode because that's that i like
But if you want to appreciate welding, there's an actual answer for you. I don't know why we've been helpful this week, but there you go. Laying dimes is cool. It means when you create a smooth weld without ripples, and it looks like a bunch of dimes laying on each other. That's sick. That's fucking cool. Welding is so neat. Yeah, man. When I was doing my little Game Boy toys...
I was doing soldering, which is kind of like welding. Don't you guys think? Agree with that? It's plastic welding. There's a little metal. and it comes on a little spool and you melt it. Actually, I've done plastic weld. It's not actually plastic welding, I guess. No. Is it? No, it's real metal. I've done fusion welds. I've seized Prometheus's fire.
And used it to make metal into different shit. So that's... I'm laying dimes over here myself. It's welding for babies. Baby welding. I have an urgent and pressing question. I am a collage artist. You wanted to say college, didn't you? I'm not even looking at the camera right now. I was thinking he was going to say college. I'm a collage artist.
And I'm going to incorporate part of a puzzle into a piece I'm working on. The issue is... Well, I almost got tripped up, so I'm being very careful now. I'm sorry. I know that this person is working against me. This question asker has laid many traps and I'm aware of all of them. I'm unstoppable. The issue is, what do I do with the rest of the puzzle?
It's a puzzle of Baby Yoda that I got at my fiance's family's white elephant at Christmas two years ago. And the part I'm using is the part that doesn't have Baby Yoda on it. But it is a fairly large chunk of the puzzle. I obviously can't like... donate the puzzle, since it's incomplete. But I don't want to keep the Baby Yoda parts, because it was kind of a sucky... Yeah. I'm... Here's a...
I'm going to tell this person to throw it in the trash. Okay, I'm going to keep going. I'm going to keep going. I'm going to keep Baby Yoda parts because it's kind of a sucky puzzle, and I only want the chunk I'm using in my painting, but it also feels wasteful to throw it in the garbage. Help. How do I best use...
utilize the five six of a puzzle without having to do the puzzle that's from puzzled puzzler in peril peas i also lost a piece of the puzzle that's not the chance oh puzzled puzzler in peril ps I also lost a piece of the puzzle that's not in the chunk that I'm taking. That elevates it, actually. That makes it even more that I'm going to tell you to throw this away. What else do you have? I bet.
If you're a collage artist, it's very difficult to throw away flat things. Anything. You gotta always have your head on a fucking swivel looking for flat stuff that would look cool cut up. You ever think about how much work...
kidnappers must put in to finding the right lettering. It must take hours. Yeah. To find letters that are that big. Because you can't cut them all out of the same Cosmo. You know what I mean? You gotta mix it up. Wait, yeah, that's a really good point. What kind of a- look how a shitty collage artist has a bunch of tiny pictures of parts of baby yoda and throws it away hello welcome justin welcome justin to the other side of the seesaw buddy unbelievable now
Maybe you can make a collage. A puzzle's kind of like a do-it-yourself collage, wouldn't you think about it? Wow, yeah. Yeah, man. A solvable collage, for sure. Have you ever wanted to 100% a collage? I've always wanted to get the platinum on an art piece that I do. When you put a puzzle together, no one's ever like, you did it wrong.
First of all, you have the stuff to make two pieces of art. You've doubled what you have. One is the piece that incorporates the big chunk that you took out of the puzzle. That's cool. I'm going to sit up. I don't know why I'm like fucking gobbling out in my chair. The second one is the rest of the puzzle with the piece missing. And that's saying something because it's about the Yoda that's not there. But also...
From that, there will be a small piece missing. When the people look at that and say like, but what's the small piece mean? All of a sudden, they're trying to get to the bottom of your art story, which is really the secret to art, is tricking people into paying very close attention to it. Yeah, into thinking there's meaning in it.
Right. They'll see that. They'll be like, is this really a piece of artwork about the baby Yodas that aren't there? But wait, what's this little piece missing? That's the secret. I'm a fuck up. That's the message. I lost it.
That's my favorite thing about art is that when people say like, well, it means this to me or it means this to me. It means different things to different people. And that means you didn't know what it meant when you made it. You saw it look nice. I would be sick if water lilies just had a big hole in it.
And they were like, what happened is he put his elbow down and it went through the painting. I see that. I'm like, wow, artists are just like us. We're all fallible. We really are all just people. We all make mistakes and mess ups sometimes. And you don't got to let it not bring you down. This puzzle question is a good example of why I am so happy I recently discovered burning things. Oh, sure. I got a...
You know, it's cold weather outside, but it's been a little bit more temperate. Yeah. And it's a great time to go outside and start a fire. Burn your puzzles. And I hate wasting stuff. Really, I do. I hate wasting things. I have a big problem with that, right? If I have something, I don't want to waste it. Yeah. But here's what I've recently discovered.
Because a lot of the waste that I have and been struggling with lately does happen to be woodworking waste. So that is... Some of God's most burnable stuff. Right. So what I've decided, though, is that if you burn it, you didn't waste it because you got enjoyment from the fun and warmth. Yeah, you're not wasting it. If you what I'm saying is. If you burn this puzzle and then you watch this puzzle of baby Yoda warm and you take pleasure in like the warmth of baby Yoda and the.
It's not a waste. Just like watching it. Yeah. It's not a waste. Well, in fact, it was good. You did that. It was good. It was good. Like, it was good. I'll take a step further, Justin. I recently saw a physicist. Don't huff it. No, don't do this indoors. Did I say that? I saw a physicist talking about that. If you were to burn like a piece of paper, you can't.
create or destroy energy so hypothetically if you collected all the warmth and ash and water and everything that was made by that fire you could put it back together so you're taking this sucky puzzle and you're making it into a much more challenging puzzle
What the fuck did you- What you just said made not a damn lick of sense, Trav. Not a lick of sense. If you collected that, if you grabbed all the, if you siphoned the paper energy, the paper energy? Like, what are you saying? Yeah, man, all of that stuff still exists.
and destroy any of the stuff that made the paper. No, I know, but I transformed it. I burned the paper and it created heat, which is a type of energy. Before that, it didn't have... May I please? May I please? Before that, it didn't have paper energy. That's crazy. It was a picture of Baby Yoda. It was a part of a picture of Baby Yoda. It was paper and paint. Every picture of Baby Yoda has story energy. What?
The energy that's holding the molecular bonds together. Is that puzzle of Baby Yoda vibrating on the table? When you burn Baby Yoda, you are releasing the bonds that hold the molecules together, creating energy.
Every picture of Baby Yoda is energy and dirt. It's just fire and dirt. What do you think Gambit does when he picks up the puzzle pieces of Baby Yoda and he turns them into little bombs? He turns it into fire and dirt. That's his power. Right, but... what energy could the paper possibly have if i plug my phone in but it doesn't If it did, I would be in some real trouble because I got some envelopes on my desk. You're lucky that I can't remember the opposite of kinetic energy.
Because that's what it is, but I can't remember it. Potential. Potential energy. Thank you, Justin. Sorry, guys. I just got a low battery notification on my phone. Let me plug it into my books. Oh my God, Griffin. It's potential energy and you need Gambit to turn it into kinetic energy. I know about potential energy. It's when you look at a rock and you're like, I could throw that. It would go so fast.
fucking fast i'm turning arm energy into throw energy into move energy i mean i understand all that if i look at a piece of paper and say if i burn that it'd be hot that's not energy it's an idea This is the times when science lies to us. What Travis is saying is that if you burn all the stuff from Baby Yoda and you put it all together... Picture, picture, picture of Baby Yoda. Picture of Baby Yoda. What I'm saying is if you...
Burn a picture of Baby Yoda, you get ashes and nothing. And that's the truth. You get heat. That's the truth of it. I'm not going to short sell Travis here. You do get the heat. And what's heat, Griffin? Baby Yoda, that's the picture of it. It's energy that comes out when it gets too hot. Why does it get hot? The temperature moved up too much and the thing freaked out. And it created an incredible fire.
From the energy stored within it. Right. Am I energy? Yeah. Yeah. Your star self, baby. I know I'm stuff. Like, I think about that. All the time. But you're also energy. That's cool, man. Yeah, dude, science rocks. Yeah, there's fire inside you. You don't need to be like that to me. This is a moment of wonder and excitement. He's not stupid. He's not the quarterback. You know what I mean? Like we don't have to. He's not the woodshop teacher. We don't have to like.
You don't have to be a dick about it. He's not a lacrosse coach. For fuck's sake. This is a cool moment. I want to alienate. Hold on. There's got to be something else I did. Alienate. Come on. You got it. You got it. You got it. It's not a geologist. A geologist. Wow. That was a bad point. Rock scientists. We were all thinking it, Juice. I have energy.
That's going to get me through today, Trav. I do appreciate that. You are. I hope when we clip this, because sometimes they clip ones we don't want them to clip, but I'm not excited about people getting in the comments and telling me the things I don't know about middle grade science. Does that mean... Could Gambit touch Griffin and turn him into a human bong?
I think Gambit should be doing that more. He doesn't talk about it, but the other thing he could do is melt your fucking clothes and blow you up. Blow up Magneto's whole clothes. One thing I didn't try that I could try, everybody. One thing I could try is touch that dude. I could blow up his pants, Mon Cherie. Wait, sorry, what? I could blow up Manito's pants.
I don't think I could try Mon Cherie. He's touching his helmet and blowing his fucking brains up. Wait, Gambit. Don't do that. I'm just saying I'm good. You didn't see that shit coming, Mon Cherie. Why is it Nightcrawler's like, I could teleport inside of him just once. It would be so bad for me, but like... I don't know. I can hold a big stick, teleport, so I land kind of in front of him, so the stick is through him.
By the way, it's Wednesday, February 5th, and we don't read the comments. It is Wednesday, February 5th today. So Magneto might be good right now. I don't actually know. But if Magneto's bad, that's the example. A Sentinel. Well, yeah, couldn't... Couldn't... Gambit just touch a huge sentinel and then like, okay. What if he touches the ground? What if he aggressively adjusts himself?
What if he aggressively adjusts himself on the Grammy stage? Oh, no. On nights, on music. My balls. Music's biggest night, Gambit makes his balls explode on stage. We're all excited for Sabrina Carpenter, but I just watched Gambit. You know, Remy, blow his balls up on stage. Really overshadows Beyonce's accomplishment, if you ask me, when we had to watch Gambit blow up his balls on Grammy stage music. And then weep. He weeped for an hour. Of course he weeped.
Yeah. He probably died. I think Gambit died on stage. Unless they cauterized. Let's go to the money zone. This podcast, this one right here, why it's sponsored by Squarespace. Come on in. Have a seat. Welcome to Squarespace Presents My Brother, My Brother and Me, a Squarespace endeavor. No, what do you guys think about this? I'm thinking if I say Squarespace enough, they'll have to pay us more.
I love that. We've literally never talked to our ad people, but I do think that that is an unwritten rule of advertising. We were created by Squarespace. We came out of Squarespace. Yeah. We were a dream. that Squarespace had. One big egg. It cried a single tear. Yeah. The tear became an egg. We all three came out of it six years apart. The egg's name was Thought.
We leapt from the egg fully formed and we suckled at the teat of Squarespace. This is cool. This is a cool ad. Yeah. It's a cool legend. Yeah. And that's how we became. I'm like willing to let my brain go to more out there places now that I know I'm made of energy. Like that's sick.
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Go to HTTPS colon backslash backslash www.squarespace.com backslash my brother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I don't want to do this ad because I don't want a bunch of people out there who chomp my flavor because I got these glasses at Warby Parker. I did get these glasses, and I've gotten a lot of compliments on these glasses. They are assertive. They're statement glasses. They are saying, yeah.
I need corrective eyewear in order to party in this world. But I look good doing it. But if there's a bunch of people out there walking around with these Lisa Loewe beauties on there, those are more of a cat's eye. Griffin has glasses, and he's king, and he doesn't want to stop being king. No, I'm not saying that. Warby Parker's great. The app is genuinely...
I have fun when I use it, which sounds like bullshit. It's a pleasant experience. But when you use it, you see all these different style opportunities, and you press a button, and then you can see what they look like on your face. It's magical. And then you get the five pairs of the home try-on program. So you don't buy a pair of shitty glasses. Well, they have a ton of options, Griffin. Just tell people not to get your specific glasses. I won't even say, nice try, I won't even say mine.
Good luck, treasure hunters. It's out there. They just got some new frames in also for the new year. I'm not even reading. Gang, I'm not reading the copy points. I just like Warby Parker. Let me make sure I didn't skip anything, though. No, okay, we're good.
Get started with Warby Parker's virtual try-on. You can try on glasses and sunglasses, seeing the realistic color, texture, and size of each dial right from home right now, or head over to warbyparker.com slash mybrother right now to take the home try-on quiz and pick five pairs of frames to try on at home. for free. That's warbyparker.com slash my brother. warbyparker.com slash my brother.
It's a shame I'm a little bit under the weather because I feel like that one was pretty solid and the kind we could send to one of our companies to advertise for it. Or that could have been. Sometimes we do it. We really do it. That could have been in our highlight reel when we win the iHeart Podcast Best Ad Read Award. We are never, ever, ever. Not if people don't vote for us. No, I don't even actually want people to waste their energy on it. What? There's nothing you can do.
I would just love to earn Conan's respect for once. Never happened. Never happened. There's simply, audience, we love you. There simply isn't enough of you to move the needle on this one. so save your save your efforts don't even try it please thank you yeah what are you gonna do i know what you're thinking that maybe you're gonna try anyway and get everybody together and work really hard yeah dead ass dead ass
Don't bother. But don't bother. There's no chance. I know, I know, I know. It would be pretty cool. And we're an underdog, and sometimes people root for this. I'm going to the other side of the seesaw, and I know it's a futile effort. Big E is a former WWE champion. He spent 10 years at the top sharing the ring with John Cena and Roman Reigns. So what's next? When I retire, I'm going to move to the desert. I'm going to delete all my socials.
I'm going to disappear. Y'all will never hear from me again. I'm going to sit on the couch, chill and live my life. From the legendary tag team, The New Day. It's Biggie on Tights and Fights. I feel like I need to listen to a few episodes that you guys have because this was really enjoyable. So thank you. you so much for your time oh yes oh yes available on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts the following are real reenactments of pretend emergency calls
There are plenty of podcasts on the hunt for justice, but only one podcast has the courage to take on the silly crimes. Judge John Hodgman, the only true crime podcast that won't leave you feeling sad and bad and scared for once. Only on MaximumFun.org. Breakdown in the system. It's Valentine's Day. Holy shit. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. It's February 5th.
But by my calculations, it's also our Valentine's Day episode. Yeah, man. And our Groundhog's Day episode. And our Groundhog's Day episode. Isn't that something? And our Super Bowl and our Grammys. I'm actually pretty... mad about this first one because I completely missed the opportunity to buy this Duncan capsule collection for Valentine's Day. You know what?
I'm not even going to give them the satisfaction. Fuck them. Fuck those guys. Yeah, dude. That's awesome. We need more energy like that. Do that more of just like, that's right, KFC's got a new chicken pizza. You know what? Fuck those. No way. I don't mean that KFC. It's good. You know what? To fuck KFC, all they're missing is you. Yeah. True.
Because there's a K and F and a C in fuck, but not a U. No, no, it's good, it's good, it's good. Now, I just wanted to, real quick, mention that for the big game, BW3s is doing it again. Probably. This is one of the weirder press releases. I don't think I've ever read a press release that's kind of equivocating. Even after paying up on the...
On the deal last year, B-Dubs once again offers America free wings if the big game goes to overtime. Now, for a little context, last year there was this contest for BW3s did where, not even a contest, but like a promotion where if the game went into overtime... Everybody gets free wings. And you know what happened? The game did good over time. So everybody in the world ate free wings there the next day. How did they stay extant?
It's a miracle. You read that right. Football fans can rest assured that Buffalo Wild Wings is bringing back its iconic overtime deal for the seventh consecutive year. When the thrilling big game went into overtime in 2024, fans across the nation were able to celebrate with free wings. After making good on its promise last year, Buffalo Wild Wings is daring to once again put a wage on the line. If the big game goes into overtime,
B-Dubs is ready to do it again. Free wings. Now, what I love there is that they talk about it like there's a risk associated with it. As though, like, yeah, man, listen, it fucked us up real bad last year. Oh, my God. We had to lay off half of our employees. We had to drop the WEC. We're just BWs, twos. But now, man.
We just can't help ourselves. Like, we're doing it again. The only way we can get our rocks off is by almost blowing it. Big time. And do we win anything if they don't go into overtime? No. Maybe you guys would come in and buy some wings if they don't go into overtime. You give us free wings and then we sell back to you. We like wings. We don't get...
We don't actually get to eat that many wings here, which is fucked up. Especially since we gave so many of them away. We like wings, but we don't get to get them. If it doesn't go into overtime, you have to come work one shift unpaid. At the wing factory. It's spicy work. Everybody. The air is full of spices. The ground is silver with salt. Sauce. We have.
We have constant injuries here. Please come. So here's the quote. Are we crazy for bringing our overtime deal back after last year's turnout? Maybe. After giving away 2.5 million wings last year, we know it's a bold move to bring it back. That's 1.25 beautiful birds.
Now think about this for a second. Okay, wait, let me finish the quote. For us at B-Dubs, it's all about the thrill of the game, and we're pumped to give all football and wing fans another chance of scoring big, no matter who they cheer for. So here's... My question is this. Each chicken is going to give you four wings by my math. Uh-huh. So 2.5 divided by four. Oh, you're right. It's like 600,000-ish, right? Yeah.
625, 625,000 chickens. How is Mr. Mahomes and his friends supposed to handle the pressure? Imagine you're a kicking guy, right? You're going to kick it for the tie. And if you kick it for the tie, you're killing over half million chickens to death. So here's the stakes. Now to be fair, Kicking Guy from- Either you get your ducats or you send 625,000 fucking chickens to the cemetery. Kicking Guy from Kansas City has some questionable-
he might fucking hate you. He might actually want very badly for this to happen. Oh, fuck, man. It's huge stakes. Huge, huge stakes. Here's what I'm going to say. If BW3s had... had the sheer power to be willing, they should take it a step further and include a lot of side bets. Where it's like, if the first thing is a field goal, if the first point scored is a field goal, then we will cover the windows with sauce, right? Have more random bets, right?
Everybody gets a beer mug full of ranch if the game is tied at halftime. They need to go further with this. If it's tied at halftime, our VP has to. to get his butt out. Yeah. Something like really like fun, low stakes. Yeah, whoever our mascot is will eat a whole live chicken. Yeah. If Patrick Mahomes cries. Once. Well, in his life. On camera.
Out of sadness. It can't be a happy cry. It can't be I just won the Super Bowl for a ninth time in a row. God, what a boring fucking sport. Are you kidding, guys? My hands are so heavy. Too many rings. They should make...
If the quarterback has won before, he should have to wear his Super Bowl rings during the game. During the game. To hamper his ability. I've always fucking said that. I have always said that. Let's see if superstar Tom Brady can get out there and take home another one. If every time he throws it... couple of his rings go off and they have to go find him in the grass. That's the future of the liberals want for you.
That's true. That one sounds good, though. That one sounds really good, though. If you get 10 of them, can you cash them in for a bracelet? You should be able to get one big, like a girdle. Something big. Or a belt. I mean, at that point. Yeah, cool. I'm going to complain about this one real quick. Hungry Howie's, this is a press release on qsrmagazine.com, the number one spot. Hungry Howie's launched a secret menu for big game. For big boys.
Hungry Howie's is kicking off National Pizza Day and the big game with a new addition to its secret menu, the Hangry Howie Pizza. Perfect for game day gatherings and pizza parties, the Hangry Howie is packed with bold flavors and toppings designed to tackle even the fiercest hunger and cravings. Starting February 9th, fans can order the Hangry Howie exclusively through the secret menu for delivery and carry out. What the fuck?
Do you think a secret menu is? Because I'll give you a hint. It's not a thing you write press releases about. That's not a secret menu! We didn't print off new plastic whatever signs to go in the lighted things that you see behind the counter that tell you what it is. This is a good point, especially when McDonald's used to really...
iterate fast and hot and would just toss shit on the menu. They did effectively have a secret menu insofar as every time I went to McDonald's and was like, yeah, let me get that bratwurst. Let me get that bratwurst that hits so good. Most of the time they're like, what are you fucking talking about? You can't order a hot dog in here.
Are you out of your mind? You do have them back there, I promise. At Hungry Howie's, we know that National Pizza Day and the big game are sacred occasions for pizza fans, says Jeff Reinke. What? Sacred? Sacred, Travis. Sacred. Much like language is sacred to those less that care. I thought you were saying secret menu, but you've been saying sacred menu this whole time. Yes, that's right. Right, passed down on tablets.
As part of our sacred menu, it highlights our commitment to the sanctity of marriage. Hungry Howies began as a thousand square foot hamburger shop in Taylor, Michigan. And now we ran out of buns. Making a mockery of the word secret. My partner and I received a fancy milf frother for Christmas. I'm, man, I said milf.
I know. No one said anything, though. Did you catch that, how me and Travis are going? Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm very excited about it, and I've been making frothy milk drinks at home. When we have friends over, I make frothy milk. I offer to make frothy milk drinks for them, but they often turn it down. I worry this is because they're worried it'll be too much work for me.
I want to share froth with the world. How can I encourage my guests to accept a frothy drink? And what should I try frothing next? That's from frothing in the big city. Man, it's been a while since we've had a full-blown... mad person up in here. It's been a while since we've had a real wild one like this. I would like to
I would like to try to help this person. Please. Because I feel like I have often been the person in their situation, right? Sure. I'm excited about something that I think is very fun and decadent that maybe others aren't as necessarily charmed by. And like recently what a lot of people in my life, sort of like friends and family have around me have started to communicate is that they do not like this.
Right, so this is an unenjoyable way for me to be behaving. Right, sure. Friends who I try to like, who are maybe like, to use this example, I'll make a frothy milk drink and just shove it in their hands. Stuff like that, they've expressed to me, sort of everybody I know is like...
That's not something that they enjoy or indeed will continue to tolerate. So you're working on making new friends? I don't think you came to me for me to say stop it, but I have learned recently from a lot of people around me that the answer... might be yeah
stop that's cool like it's like just like cut it out it's like the welder thing like you have experience with this specific thing so you can give kind of like evidence of the best course of a younger me might have had some different advice but this new me is that is
open quite a bit and this is fun because in many ways I am a younger Justin and I was going to say a different thing yeah let's hear your thing Trev my thing was and I'll like judge is like sort of yeah because I don't I don't was I don't give a fuck So I'll judge for both of you guys. Here in the Midwest, we have kind of a secret menu of conversation. Yeah. Where like you offer once and then they say no because they think it would be an inconvenience.
And then you offer again. Yeah. And then they say yes. That's when it's clear you need it. Yeah. No, it's really no trouble. Sometimes three times. If I was a guest in someone's house... And they said, do you want a frothy milk drink? First of all, my answer would be, of course, no. I don't want to drink any milk drink, but especially one that you thickened.
One that you sort of carbonated a little bit. That's going to be a no from me, dog. If they offered it to me a second time, that person has a bad relationship with the thing that they're trying to give you. And I want to get out of that. I already did say no. I have to get out of this house. One time for Christmas.
I think Teresa got one of those whipped cream canister things where you put the CO2 cartridges in it. And we were so excited. We had people over and made pie and hot chocolate and stuff. have this thing and i believe it was only used by theresa and myself and it was like an audition
for the whipped cream canister to become a permanent fixture in our lives, and it failed the audition. As it often does. In the cabinet you go. Goodbye forever. My favorite game is watching Top Chef when someone pulls one of those out. home like a wise asshole just like that's gonna fucking explode and it does every never works it explodes every time don't work it's a pain in the ass and then at the end of the day
No one is trying to solve the problem of like, I'm really not getting enough whipped cream. Yeah. Like you're not making, I need to get better, higher volume whipped cream day to day in my life. Have you noticed that when someone uses even like just a can of whipped cream? There is a second of such terror.
As you push on the nozzle of like, what pressure is about to spray out of here and just fling hot chocolate everywhere? It's never like a gentle buildup. It's like... right the first time and it like you everybody gets nervous for a second i i think
I think you simply can't offer it a second time, I'll leave the house. I'm your guest now in this instance. That's wild. You don't ask a second time. You need to work on your first sales pitch. You can only really get this question out the door one time. I'm kind of a tea guy now. It's like my new thing. I get nice teas and I have a fancy pot for making it and I like it. I drink it every night.
Love a tea. And so when someone comes over and I want to give them tea, I'll be like, do you want some tea? I got the really good shit. Or like I'll say something to let them know like it's going to be good tea. So what could you say sort of about frothed milk?
One thing is, like, I'm doing one already. Like, I'm already frothing. Like, you could be mid-froth, like, whoa, this is looking pretty good. Do you want one? Yeah. Like that. Here, take this one. You say, don't make me be the only one frothing over here. Yeah. I'm frothing at the mouth. Also, you could just go ahead and have a barista outfit on and have a counter set up with a register and write their name on a cup and be like, what'd you want? Yeah.
One thing I've tried is if they say no the first time, kind of being pouty and petulant for an hour. Ooh, I like that. Show me how that works, Justin. Well, here's what you do. You do that, and then every...
20 minutes or so, your wife will ask if anything's wrong. You say, no, no, no. Seriously, nothing. It's fine. Awesome. Yeah. Yeah, and then eventually you snap out of it. I don't know. And you kind of spin the frother sadly in the air, just like lonely. Someone quietly knocks on your bedroom door and says,
Actually, you know what? I'm actually kind of jones for some frothing. It's way too late. It's way too late at that point. It's too late. No, but I threw that thing away. Yeah, that was stupid. That was stupid. I didn't even actually have one. Based on what you said earlier, Juice, I didn't... know that this was an option to do what I'm about to do but I don't like when you do that yeah I don't like when you do that I know
I do. It makes me feel superior to you. I don't say that enough to hope that you change. But the reason that I know that I have this insight is that I have started to become, in this year of our Lord, 2025, My way that I'm being faster than fear, and I know we're getting ahead of things a little bit with the finale, but it's like, I'm just telling people what's happening up there now.
I'm just telling people exactly what's happening. You're sharing thoughts and feelings with people? Not sharing. Travis, you're doing the energy thing. No, that was an honest. See, that was a sensible break. Yeah. No, what I'm saying is that... I'm just telling people that, like, for example, in this milk frother, if I were in this situation, I would say, hey... Can I froth you a milk drink? It's really all I think about anymore. And if I don't make someone a milk frothing drink, I'm gonna...
actually think about it all day. And you will say, what that frees people in your life to say is, yeah, I will take one for future reference. I don't like this. Right. And that frees me from ever having to think about it again because they have said, I don't want it. And I'll say, okay, sounds good. But they didn't know to tell me to.
cut it out unless I told him how weird I was being. This is something I started doing with my wife because there are many TV shows and books and things that I enjoy that she does not and I desperately need to talk about them. with someone and I will say, hey, I know you don't care about this thing. I just need to like say my feelings about it.
Out loud for like two minutes. And then I won't bother you about it again. And she's like, okay, go. And she'll listen and go, oh, cool. Whoa, that sounds nice. And then we're past it. So you're saying next time I offer someone tea, I should walk in and be like, hey. I say I'm kind of a tea guy now.
But I feel like such a fucking phony about it. Yes. Okay, good. Griffin, you're so close. Keep going. Okay. Yes. Hey, I say that I'm kind of a tea guy now because I buy it, but I buy a lot of shit. And I feel like a total phony. I think the tea is really good, but if I don't get someone...
to mirror me a little bit and tell me if my judgment about the tea is accurate or not, I'm going to feel like this for as long as I drink tea, which may be a minute and maybe the rest of my life. I don't know. Will you help me? help me drink this tea and tell me if I'm full of shit or not. And if you say I am, cool, man. Next hobby. I'll get back into candy making or some shit. Yeah.
Authenticate me. I mean, whatever the thing is, it doesn't have to be a hobby. It'd be like literally anything. You just say, just say how you're feeling. I know. I know. Yeah, but like honestly saying it, right? Like not in a way where you think people are going to be scared because a lot of other people are thinking pretty wild stuff too, you'll find. Once people just start saying it all the time, it's pretty liberating. That's the energy, huh?
that's the energy i finally figured out that's all the energy tell people hey here's what's going on and i'm honest with myself a lot more in that sense too because hey it's been this way upstairs the whole time i have no reason to think they didn't might as well start listen listen if the landscape ain't gonna change i better start printing maps yeah because it seems like things are gonna be this way i love that just
They might add new guys to the Inside Out movie, but the old ones are still there. Hey, where's the hyperfixation guy, by the way? I want to see that guy in my brain, in my Inside Out brain. That guy who's just like, man, 3D printing, though. Like, it's all we've ever loved, right? It's all we've ever talked about. We can go broke on filament, right? We all love this. Do the Inside Out guys have littler Inside Out guys inside their heads? Yes.
I didn't see Inside Out 2. It's the Cars universe. Wait. Yeah, the Cars are inside the Inside Out guys. Cars is happening inside one of the Inside Out guys. And it's telling them how to feel? Yep. It's Miles Teller. Got him stuck in your craw, huh? What a weird one. Inside the cars guy. Miles and Miles today. Inside of Lightning McQueen is Wally.
telling him how to feel. And inside of Wally is Joseph Gordon-Levitt trying to get him out of there, trying to give him the kick to get him back up to the surface. That's awesome. And the surface is the little girl in Inside Out. Correct. Yes. Hey, thanks for listening to our podcast. Another great normal one. We really appreciate you being here with us. If you want to come laugh together, February 20th and 21st, we're going to be in Tampa.
with my brother, my brother, me, and Taz, respectively. First Taz live in Florida. And we got... That's going to be Taz versus Romeo versus Juliet. That's going to be really good. February 22nd, we're in Jacksonville with my brother, my brother, and me. For more info and ticket links, go to bit.ly forward slash McElroy tours. Also, right now, we've got just a few more cabins. for Champions Grove available now. That's going to be Memorial Day weekend in May. I believe it's May 22nd, 23rd.
We're 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th. We're doing a four-day weekend. Come hang out with me and a bunch of other great roleplay, actual roleplay creators, and a bunch of wonderful people playing games in a castle in Ohio. We also have the... scholarship application form up now at championsgrove.com. Come check it out. Get your tickets. Get your packages before it's too late. We got some new merch over at the merch store over at mackerelmerch.com for you to peruse. Also, if you missed our
candle nights special last year you can still watch it video on demand it's pay what you want all proceeds go to Harmony House and 10% of all of our merch proceeds this month will be donated to World Central Kitchen over at McElroyMerch.com thank you to Montana for the use of our theme song, My Life is Better With You. It's a fantastic one with a steady beat that you can really bop to. Now, Justin, we had a listener submitted Faster Than Fear. Would you read it this week?
Yes, I would be happy to. Should we make some vroom vroom noises? I'll be honest, doing noises last year really got played out for me real fast. Let's play with silence. Whoa, Griffin, say that again. Let's play with silence. Did you like that? I think there's something there. I say shit like that all the time, man. I got to start wearing one of those little recorders. Yeah, I love that.
uh hey listen in this the year of our lord 20 thunder drive i am releasing my fear of birds just because a parrot cussed me out at a pet store when i was seven doesn't mean all birds hate me it just means that local hooligans taught the parrot how to cuss that's a good fear
to have. I actually wish you did still. That you're afraid that all birds hate you and want to cuss you out. Some of them are out to give you that. Just a little bit. A little bit of that's good. It's the salt that makes the chocolate taste sweeter. Birds have to have their own cuss words that we don't know about. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. That's Square on the Lips. Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.