The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids. which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Swiping into a precious friendship I could have never seen what was coming for me Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach My life, it feels like
and welcome to My Brother, My Brother, main advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. Vroom, vroom. What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, your middlest brother, Travis Big Dog, Wolf Wolf McElroy. What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, your sweet baby brother, and Justin McElroy impersonator, Griffin McElroy. We dress this up. Yeah, I'm regretting this hoodie. I'm so warm. We look like an anamorph.
Going either from Justin to Travis or Travis to Justin and me in the middle. I just wear this shirt all the time. All the time? I'm going to wear this until I feel better. That's what I told myself. And I've had it on for weeks. Hey. Go ahead. No, you. Well, let's let Travis finish taking his fucking shirt off. Now the continuity's all fucked up now. Travis, we're a video forward organization. But I wanted to wear a gray shirt like you guys.
It's a dark gray and there's words on it. It's a graphic tee. Okay. Man, you can see my nap line right across my forehead still. That's fucking embarrassing. Why are we a video... We're not... We're not ready for the jump to video. We're not video forward people. No, no, no. You know what I mean? Like, we're not video forward human beings. We're audio handsome.
Yeah, and even that is a stretch. You're a seven in audio. Yeah, have you heard my voice? Anyone can be. I had an unexpected experience. I didn't expect this would happen, but this weekend I went to my first. Went to my first basketball game where Charlie was cheerleading, leading the cheers with the cheerleaders. I didn't think I'd make a cheerleader, but who knows? Here we are. It's a generation. Dad was a cheerleader. Cheerleader, right. She's cheerleading, and they cheerlead for some of it.
And then a lot of it is just watching fourth graders play basketball. Yeah, that's what they don't tell you. Do you think that's how mom and dad felt when you were the scorekeeper for the elementary school basketball? They loved watching you write down stuff. in the book and the rest of it. I'm pretty sure I walked to the games. I feel like I want. I don't think mommies and daddies are required to watch their kids score. Or encouraged. Yeah. No, it's like a lot of it is just watching.
Fourth graders play basketball, and man, it's awesome. What's the fundamentals like, Gene? Okay, the fundamentals are, first of all, the thing you don't expect, because you think it might be boring. You're wrong. Because the first thing you don't know is... No one's going to score. We're going into soccer territory. We ended the first quarter of this game 2-2. I was going to pass the point. Every basket is a thriller. You are also seeing...
basketball played at a level where even I can identify the issues, which makes it a lot more engaging, right? I don't understand why, like Francis. The Spurs beat the Lakers. I don't know why that happened. No clue. It's a flip of a coin as far as I know. I do know Charlie's team was struggling with their one play, which was pass it to the tall kid, let the tall kid not shoot it, have the tall kid pass it to one of the short kids, and they fall over. And that play...
They executed that play 30 times in the game, and they could not get any points up on the board. And I know you're not a big sports guy, Juice, but some teams can't do it all. Some teams can only do one thing, but they do it in their special way better than anyone else, like the Mighty Ducks did. Can I tell you the problem, just real quick, before we get too deep in the paint? Yeah, that's true.
um i was gonna make a joke of like yeah some things can't do it all like and then i was gonna say an nba team that i think was safe to make fun of i don't even have that what the bad one is i don't even say the bills right now but that feels that's not an be a team at all just i know but it's like if you're picking like a team oh i can just say bills listen so it's two two right we're getting down to the wire and it's halftime
and they go out and do some cheers, which is great. I'm having, like, the other thing I didn't tell you, the clock doesn't stop. and almost no fouls are called which is a that's let them play that fucking trucks dude yes absolutely dude like they're not calling stuff because like they can't stop so they're just like fighting over the ball and getting it back and the game continues awesome
When it comes about halftime, I'm thrilled, like so thrilled and excited. Well, you found a fourth grade fight club, it sounds like. Yeah, man. No rules just right. I have to get refreshments. So I stepped outside of the, at the boys and girls club and I went over the refreshments in and I did watch a lady drop a hot dog on her foot, which was good. And then I, then I got up there. Condiments, condiments, condiments.
Condiments? Mustard and chili. Sorry, I'm in West Virginia, so it's sauce. Color of shoe? Color of shoe before job? Color of shoe was the White Air Force. No! It was the Air Force Ones! Trainers by the truckload! Trainers by the truckload! Did she give you an... No, she got another hot dog out of it, which I enjoyed. But I got my nachos and a soda. Nice. And a free ground hot dog. And then I got to the door of the gym.
They're like, I had to wait for like 10 minutes, 11 counting the cleanup for the hot dog. And I got there. They're like, sorry, no drinks or food allowed in the gym. And I'm like, well, I mean. I bought them and like, I can see. So I just stood at the door of the gym. That one dad just standing outside lurking outside the door of the gym, kind of half watching the game and eating nachos. Yeah. And he's really eating nachos.
him fast too like like his wife is giving him angry looks like he needs to get back in the room pretty soon so he's kind of horrifying the chips yeah i think the name of the full name of the club is the boys and girls and hoops Chomping down on a good dog club. Club. They had ring pops too. Oh, yeah. Cow tails? Just chocolate. Chocolate cow tails? You're seeing those more and more. Really? It's like a chocolate outside with a chocolate cream.
Me, I need the biggest cow tail you got. For me to even feel it, I don't need a pocket-sized one. It's like Charleston Chew rules with me. I need it to look like a novelty you purchased at the airport. Give me a 50-yard spool of cow tails. A joke of it. make a joke yeah make a joke like a whimsically sized one I want a cow tail so big you could tell they've had to come up with new preservation techniques
Yeah. To make it all hang out. And they're going to call like a mammoth tail. You know what I mean? They're not just calling it a cow tail at this point. We're going to have to replay it. While we're at it. While we're at it. Yeah, go off, King. What? do they call this fucking candy cow tails that's the grossest imaginable sort of textural comparison i feel like they could have when you eat a cow tail and it gooshes into your mouth there's a part of your
brain that thinks like, yeah, that's probably what it's like. And that's because they named the candy that. Also, locational concerns of where the cow's tail is located. Yeah. Yeah, the business end. Yeah. Okay. Gross name for a kid. Gross. The reason for this is that for the longest time throughout confectionary history, if you watch the foods that made us, you know this.
um candy making is seen as a sin so when you are a candy maker you try to make your product seem as unappetizing as possible so you have some of these names like this is where you get for example cow tails This is where you get goobers. Goobers. They realize you shouldn't be consuming this. It's a bazooka. Nerds. Nerds. It's a bazooka. What do you call it? Razzles.
You know? Oh, you want to eat candy, Henry? Oh, Henry! You disgust me. I thought you were talking to Griffin's son for a minute. No, like, oh Henry bars. You know. I thought that was about, because there was such a twist. You invite into it, and you're like, oh, there's crunchy stuff in here. Those are bad names. I'm saying specifically cow tails is like, and then the thing's a cow tail, and then the thing looks.
And feels kind of like maybe a shaved cow's tail. With the marrow, creamy marrow. The creamy marrow within it. Of the bones of a cow's tail. Yeah. I didn't know how much... I was walking a real fine line for how excited to get about the game, right? Because if you're cheering a lot, then it seems like you're putting too much pressure on the kids. But if you don't cheer at all... Or the thing that I kept getting...
I kept telling kids they need to take more shots on basket. And they were really close. Like, they were right there. So I would kind of say, like, in the way you would at sport, shoot. Shots on basket. And the kids are right there playing. Probably his first basketball game ever in his entire life. And there's this four-year-old guy like, shoot. No, here's what you have to do. That's cool, man. BB's been doing soccer for a couple years now.
she's there. She's physically present. So you could say she's doing it. Oh, this is the same kid, by the way, that one day, middle of a play, walked off the field to me and said, I just feel like the other team doesn't care about our feelings. And I was like, Okay, baby, you need to get back out. Our game is still going. That's what the team said to each other in the locker room before every game in Friday Night Lights. I just feel like they don't care. But here, all you got to do, Justin, is...
learn like three or four other players' names, of the players' names, and then say like, yeah, you got it, Jeremy, or whatever. Like, oh, go, go, Josh. And then you seem engaged, but you only need to do that 10% of the time. Yeah. Shout their addresses too, Juice, while you're at it. Yeah, docks them real good. Okay, I don't think that... I feel like at a certain point you kind of... Figure out their, like, Minecraft handles. Get their Minecraft IDs.
Hey, this is an advice show, in case you haven't noticed, and we help people. That's what we do. That's our burden. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's our cross to bear. Thank you, Travis. I wasn't going to get religious, but thank you. Oh, non-denominational cross. Sorry. Anybody's cross. They crucified a lot of other people. This is what I'm saying. Yes. They never talk about this. Yes. There's plenty in Superman stuff.
Crosses are everywhere. Everywhere. Templars. Templars, that's one. X's. Lowercase T's. Do you think at some point I will stop? inviting my wife to watch new superman tv commercials like it is a limited first run screening event that she's been exclusively invited to where i have to adjust the lighting because there was a new tv spot and i was like Honey, stop everything It's time
You have to do it with the same energy that your kids come up to you with like a drawing or something that they made where they're like, look at this. And then you can go, oh, that's great. So when I bring a new Superman trailer to Teresa, I bring it like, Teresa, Teresa, look, look. So she can go, oh.
You got to bring out the energy, not expect her to supply it. That's a really. Audience. What Griffin? Audience at home. I just want to let you know that my whole family, but me is so hard rock hard. for this flying man. This one's gonna be it, Griffin. Listen to me, please. I don't get a chance to really let this out when we're, like, together. And so, like, I think...
You guys are so rock hard. This is the one. This is the one, Griffin. Feel these rocks. Are they hard? Yeah. Feel how hard these rocks are, Griffin. Feel how hard are the rocks that I've got. It's... But you guys will share the trailer in our text group and be like iconic chills. And it's like the flying man on the ground floor. Before he takes it.
Before he takes off and you can't reach him anymore. Do you know when he lands and delivers July 11th? Yeah. And he will. Do you know how embarrassed you're going to be? I'm excited. I'm sure the film will be great. Your rocks are half-mast. We delivered. When he lands and delivers a July 11th.
We're not going to let you forget it. We're not going to let you live it down because you're sitting here saying it's going to be trash. I believe. I'm not saying it's going to be trash. It doesn't sound like you believe. Great history settled on this, Griffin. I'm saying I have never sent anyone, family member or no, a cinematic movie trailer and been like, chills. I'm gooped and gagged, dad. Shit. Justin and I are willing to be hurt. That's how open we are to love. Griffin.
I'm going to tell you something. You think that you've seen all the different ages there are, but there's not. There's other ones. And when you see some of the others, you may want to look for things to be excited about. You may not want young people, millennials, say to kind of like rain on your sunshine by saying that the Superman is not going to... Is this me? Huh? Am I the millennial? Am I the bat?
Am I the bad guy in this scenario? I'm not saying the movie's gonna be trash. I bet it's gonna be great. I bet it's gonna be awesome. I got Frasier paraphernalia, so I don't think I'm a millennial. I think that rules me out. I'm a cusp. I'm a Virgo. I'm gonna help people I couldn't even say my own shit go ahead Juice let's do it
I'm staying with my partner's family for the holidays. Well, this one's been in the hopper a little bit. It's still a good one. You know, sometimes the questions, they stay good no matter what. I'm staying with my partner's family for the holidays. You know how there's Christmas decorations that you leave up through the winter? That's what... this is. I'm staying with my partner's family for the holidays. Could be Valentine's Day. Maybe.
Being a good guest, I offered to make dinner one night for Valentine's Day. This, it turns out, was a terrible mistake. Brothers, the knives in this kitchen suck immense shit. They're all blunt and one has a huge bend in the blade. It's impossible to cut anything. I really want to buy them some knives that actually work, but I'm worried they'll come across as passive aggressive. How do I get them new knives without dishonoring the blade? Now we're talking.
This is a question I'm equipped to answer. Good-ass question, man. This is a good question. I've been there. I mean, you stay in, like, an Airbnb or a vacation home or something. You go to, like, make something. You're like, what is this? And it's just, like, there's, like, one...
you know, like it cost three cents when they bought it knife. And you're like, oh no. And it's like, I'm more likely to chop my own finger off than cut the tomato in half. I get scared. You pick up a knife that's cheap enough. It's scary to use. It feels bad holding it. Now have I cut myself?
Just accidentally on my very, that's a very nice chef's knife. Yes, of course I have. But it's a light cut. It's a sexy light. Oh, it's so clean. It's not too clean. The docketers are like, this is so clean. Easy peasy. And I say no. No. It was my fancy chef's knife that I grabbed wrong. But there is still something remaining in the life, the life.
aura of the world something very futile about like if someone gives you a knife it's like they're disrespecting your fan like your family a little bit like you need this oh you don't have a blade You need a blade. I think you can do one. I don't think you can do a whole set. Absolutely not a whole set. Not a whole set. But if you're going to buy one knife. If you're going to buy one knife.
For the person in your life that doesn't have any good knives, what knife are you going to get? Budget? Budget? $50. No, a hundred dollars. A hundred dollars. A hundred dollars? Well, you want something okay, but, like, you don't want to go crazy. Are you asking, like, Brant? Because it's just a good chef's knife, man. No, not a good chef's knife. A chef's knife? Okay. Yeah.
I'll go. Or a paring knife. A really good paring knife, they'd probably use more. No. This is what I'm saying. I feel like you gotta have at least one really good serrated knife. You don't buy a serrated knife. How are you gonna cut up your sashimi? Here's what I would get.
There's like a Nakiri knife, like Milk Street makes this Nakiri knife. So you are talking like specific blaze. He wants specific blaze. What shape? Do you want a chef's knife? One good chef's knife. One good chef's knife. That's like a hearty-based feeling. Check this out. Check it. Pizza cutter. Huh? The one, the really, the blade you need in your home is pizza cutter, I think. One thing it does, cut pizza. But a lot of people don't know this.
That's a really sharp circular blade. It's basically... You can cut tortillas with it. You can cut naan. You can cut flatbread. I have a TMNT Pizza Cutter, and I will say I do use it. I have a CC's Pizza Cutter where it's the red plastic over a circle that you have to separate to clean that I probably had for 20 years. That's really great.
I guess I went, the times I have used knife, though, and it was fine. Like, I didn't have any problems with knife. Knife works, like, really good. To cut pizza? Yeah. It's fine for pizza. You can totally use that. Yeah, but the triangles get all fucked up if you, because no one has a 22 inch long knife. Like the triangles get all fucked up. You pull it through. I feel that once. You pull it through.
I feel like if you're using a rolling pizza cutter, by the time you're three quarters of the way, you're trawling through so much pepperoni and pepper. You're like, you've got a lot behind you, right? You're like tearing a big gorge. There's a lot of challenge.
to make sure you hit those lines intersecting perfectly in the center so you don't get one little triangle nubbing. And you put two lines down. You've already decided if it's going to be an eight or six slice situation. And you don't even, I hope you were thoughtful. I hope you were thoughtful about that before you went in for those cuts. I'm going to give Question Asker, this is the thing one of my brothers has used when doing something like this, and it works every time.
Justin will get me kitchen utensils. And as he hands it to me or as I open the present, he'll say it was rated the number one by America's Test Kitchen. And at that point. It alleviates any sense of judgment on my stuff. Yeah. Because it's not that my stuff is bad. It's that this one's the best one. Right. It can't be better than this.
is that this was number one by America's Test Kitchen. So it's like, hey, you know how you've been driving around in a car? Here's a private jet. Like, it's such a step up. That would be so much worse for me to have in my life. I feel like I wish I'd learned earlier that a lot of times it's better...
to buy a good one that was made by people that give a crap, and then you use it your whole life. That's all I'm saying. I wish I'd learned that younger. But it's crazy. That is a nice gift. That idea is a nice gift. They say, here, you don't have to sweat knives anymore. here you go now the one thing other thing you could do is you get a nice knife that kind of looks like their knife and then bring over a sharpening thing and be like whoosh whoosh whoosh
Like, don't use one of the easier ways to sharpen. Use like the annoying ones with the blades. Yeah, get a barber's strop. And then when they're not looking, when they're not looking, fucking chuck their knife.
Just chuck it. And then bring out your knife, and you're like, here you go. I think you'll find this to your liking. And they're like, wow, even the handle feels whatever. And then... you could also assuage a lot of sort of like concerns that you're being judgmental if you do buy them a nice new knife and then you get their knife and then in front of them you use the nice new knife to cut the old knife in half yeah then they'll know like
Not lengthwise. That seems crazy. I don't think anyone could do that. Just any clean cut on this old raggedy ass knife should be pretty good to convince them that... They should have had this knife. They should have had a better knife. I will also say this, anybody out there considering getting themselves one really good knife and really paying for it, it will turn you into a... Real knife guy.
a real weirdo who like I have that one nice knife in my kitchen that's like this one when I use this one I feel like the bear yeah and then I see my wife like cutting up an apple for my kid's lunch with it. I'm like, oh, that was my bear knife. We do need, oh, that's not, mm. Oh, you're cooking tomatoes in that pan? Oh, that's not really... Oh, we don't use soap on that one, kids. Remember I wrote you that 40-cuplet limerick about which pans we do and do not use soap on?
We do need to wash that one right away and then try it. Yeah, we can't. Oh, is that? How long has that been damp? You could. I also don't like me, listener. Don't worry. Yeah, me neither. I haven't liked myself for years. I got to live in this head all the time. You only get it one hour a week. You could also cook sweet potatoes and ask for some help. Be like, dang, I could use some. Could I use some help? Yeah. Do you mind cutting these sweet potatoes?
they'll realize pretty quickly something's terribly wrong. There's also a very good chance they don't know how bad their knives are. A sweet potato. And if you got them a good knife, they'd be like, oh, I didn't know it could be better than that. I did not know. have the other knife on hand while you're doing sweet potatoes oh this is cool fuck yeah this is it cook sweet potatoes I don't care what kind
smash them, boil them, put them in a stew. Yeah, they're so versatile. They're really versatile. Make smash sweet potatoes. Call them in. Say, I need help with these potatoes. Have them cut these sweet potatoes with their old busted ass shitty dirty, filthy knife. They won't be able to do it. It's nature's hardiest, most stone-like vegetable. Yeah.
Then what you're going to do is be like, oh, here you unfold. You have like your knife inside of one of those little beds, you know, on Top Chef. They're like. you lost go home and they go and they have to put their knife in the little bed that they made for it. It's really cute. You pull out yours and you, you say, give that a try. They do it. And then as you leave, they're like, here's your knife. And you say,
It's yours. It's yours now, chef. That's what it had to be. That's so fucking cool. The bear and West Wing both have similar scenes. Both have gift drives. Where you're passing on the blade. It has to be that. That's special now. That's special. You've been included in a family story at that point. That's special. It still has the price tag on it, but it's special. You're welcome. You're welcome. Use a katana.
What's the etiquette you have to follow to buy your upstairs neighbor a new vacuum so they don't wake your fucking kid up? Should I just get it and leave it at her door or something? I would pay whatever price I need for this four year old To continue her nap for another hour, we just convinced her eight-year-old brother he could spend time by himself, meaning without either of us. We're so close to having an hour to ourselves. Please help. That's from a couple of sleep-deprived moms.
Do you think, you know what images immediately conjured to me? Are there still people who sell vacuums door to door? Why was it the only thing that we were as a nation selling door to door? Because I there's I've had long conversations with my friend Jeremy about all of the things that we learned from Looney Tunes that were. anachronistic before we were even born. That it's like, oh, I know what that is from this thing.
I know, the hook that pulls people off stage. Sure. I have never been to a concert where they... get out a little hook or a cane and they tug somebody offstage by their neck. That's fucked up. Yeah, I've never seen it. But... Door-to-door hairbrush salesman and vacuum salesman is just a thing that for a long time, I was like, when there's a knock on the door, it's like a one-in-five chance that someone's trying to sell you a vacuum door-to-door. I'm looking at the rainbows.
that we had growing up and it was taking me on an absolute journey oh baby the one with the water in it you can see that filthy shit going around on the bottom it was the grossest the grossest thing you can imagine They would fill the bottom of the toilet up because it was filterless, right? So the idea is you fill the bottom of the vacuum up with water and then the dirt goes in the water. But they don't tell you at the end of it, you have to empty that.
water into the toilet and you have to look at what you are. This is what you live in every day when you're not vacuuming. This muck sloughs off of your fucking corpse. Just remember that when you put that water in, it was clear. It was clear before your- What's wrong with you? That was one room. What's wrong? We checked all the other houses and nobody's is like this. Nobody's has this beef tallow gravy that you've generated. Their water was clearer.
With your slimy body. Look at you. There's so much hair in there. You don't even have a dog. How did that even happen? Where did this come from? What's wrong with you? Get checked by a doctor. Say goodbye to your brother. There he goes. Goodbye. The worst that would happen is when you're a kid, you would sometimes put... off the like emptying it out right and so you would hook like a corner of a carpet or something and the whole fucking thing would upend thereby dumping the the gross gravy
And you just move the rug. The worst job you could get as a kid where your parents are like, go ahead. Do you remember, I was thinking about this actually earlier, speaking of like weird vacuuming stuff. Do you remember the powder that mom used to put on? Before she vacuumed? Carpet fresh? Yeah. What? Yeah. Carpet fresh.
Think about that, though. When's the last time you saw anybody do that? There's no way that shit is safe around kids. She put more dirt on the ground to vacuum up. A lot. Like a powdering, like a quarter inch. She dusted it. I don't think you still do that. I don't think that's a known thing.
I, as a pet owner, I recently, like, a year or so ago, I was like, yeah, we need to get, like, that powder that you sprinkle out on the thing, and then you vacuum. And Teresa looked at me, like, with, and I was like, yeah, you know, spring, and she was like, so it's just like. that you just inhaled as you went. I was like, well, when you say it like that, yeah, there's no way. I was probably getting, there's gonna be mesothelioma or whatever ads coming. Did your mom use Carpet Fresh?
Dang, dude. I'm sorry. Dang, that's messed up, man. You should get some money from that or something. Dang, dude, didn't she hear about all the terrible stuff, man? That fucking sucks, bro. Explains why that water was so greasy grimy, man. I don't want to salt. Mom's cleaning game, but that carpet fresh made the carpet a little too fresh. You knew when that had been applied for a long, long time.
I'm looking at the carpet fresh now, and it looks like it is still in production from the imagery I can find, but... It looks like it was made in the 80s. So we may just be still selling our real container of Carpet Fresh. Okay, this is basically the same question as the last question, only you don't like the person you're buying the thing for. So there are some different kind of societal norms and energies at play. You could just put a sign that says, from future you, you're welcome.
Okay, cool. That's awesome. Yeah, we don't trick enough old neighbors that their time-traveling counterparts have come to bestow them a gift. No, you're right, Griffin. Put it in a big, longer burger basket with a note that says, please adopt me. Like, you're leaving the baby at the door. This vacuum, their family couldn't take care of them. A vacuum baby. An adoptable vacuum baby, yes. That's cool. What if in your hubris, in your rush to act...
you get a vacuum that is even louder than the one they have now. But it's even more fun to use. So your neighbor's like, hey, Jeremy, thank you. I'm really ripping ass with that new vacuum. That's a writing vacuum. I've been absolutely... demolishing this dirt. I love this shit. You gotta see this water, man. I sucked up my dog! I saw your gift and that's it. I got run up and vacuuming and I haven't stopped. Don't wait. Just steal their old vacuum.
Make your neighbor babysit your baby. Then they wouldn't think to vacuum other babies to sleep upstairs. Vacuum, that's cool. You buy the apartment above theirs. Yeah. Then they'll realize, like, that's really loud. That sucks. I hate it. Get your baby just used to the vacuuming noise. Just turn our vacuum on every time your baby sleeps. My kids are right. I should go back to living in my own filth. That's what I deserve. What is the point?
It's only like an hour a day. Can you ask him like, hey, from three to four, could you just not vacuum then? I'll give you $50. Well, yeah, Travis, of course you could do that. But they won't want to even risk it. They'll just live in filth. You know that's too scary a talk to have with a stranger.
Way easier to be like, I'm at door-to-door vacuum sales and giving out free samples. Adopt this baby vacuum. Adopt this baby vacuum. Free. Free. You've won. Buy him a little tiny rake and say this is what we're doing now. Ooh, it's zen. We're back. Rakes are back. Rake. Carpet rakes. Carpet rakes. Hey. Oh, start.
texting them videos of people pulling up the carpet and finding hardwood floor underneath until they're just so tempted they can't help it. Hashtag parquet challenge. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And listen, even if they start pulling it up and it's like, oh no, there's just like old cardboard under there or whatever. It's too late now. Yeah. But then you're going to hear their fucking footsteps. Every single footstep. And sobs. And sobs. Right through that parquet wood.
Um, can we, uh, take a quick break? Would that be okay? And then come back? Only if it's to make money. Yeah. Okay, that's, now you're speaking of my language. Okay. Cha-ching!
So we've recorded the rest of this episode pretty early, like last Monday, and we did it early because Travis is traveling, but then Justin also... wasn't around and able to record so i'm gonna do the whole money zone by myself this is griffin hello and it's i'm nervous i'm nervous and i'm not afraid to admit that i am nervous because this is a part of the show
That attracts a lot of attention and commerce. And, you know, we keep getting nominated for all these awards for it. And now I have to do it myself. Are you sure? Looks that way. But you know who gives me confidence in my time of great need is Stamps.com. God damn it. We've crushed these ads so many times in the past. And now that I stand at the gates of hell by myself.
I'm going to try and pitch it right over the plate a thousand miles an hour. I have an unconventional work day and it's got, that was awful. That was nothing. No one's going to believe that. I am a person who doesn't like to leave the house. Stamps.com's not gonna like that if I say I don't like to leave the house. I have flexibility in my work. No, stop it. I refuse to listen to the commands and orders of anyone with any semblance of authority over me. There we go. Now we're cooking.
I believe in my own personal autonomy one million percent. And that means that people can't tell me where to spend my time. And with stamps.com. Tedious tasks like sending certified mail or packages can be done on my time, not someone else's like the government.
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And I can, and then we're all living on easy street. And this one's going to be easy because we all got to eat. And Factor knows that. That's why, I don't know why I said it that way. This would never have happened if Justin and Travis were here. That's why they make it so easy to get good food. They got all these tasty gourmet meals and they're designed to heat and eat in two minutes. Bing, bang, boom. Zoom, zoom, zoom. Get that food hot.
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Hey, is this Jesse? This is Jesse. Hey, this is Stuart Wellington, host of the Flophouse podcast on MaxFun. I'm calling because you've been named Maximum Fun's member of the month for February. Nice. If you don't mind me asking what... Oh, wow. in 2021 was what allowed me to actually start supporting. Congratulations for having a real job and supporting my not real job. So as member of the month, you're going to be getting a $25 gift card to the Max Fund.
store, a special member of the month bumper sticker, and a special priority parking spot at MaxFun HQ in Los Angeles. It's awesome to support you guys to support MaxFun. I get endless joy and entertainment. If you're a MaxFun member, you can become the next MaxFun member of the month. Support us at MaximumFun.org slash join. The formula of WD-40 is San Diego's greatest secret. Zippers were invented by a...
Swedish immigrant love story. On the podcast secretly incredibly fascinating, we explore this type of amazing stuff. Stuff about ordinary topics like cabbage and batteries and socks. Topics you'd never expect to be the title of the podcast. Secretly Incredibly Fascinating. Find us by searching for the word secretly in your podcast app. And at MaximumFun.org. Ma la la la la. I want to munch squad. I want to munch squad.
welcome to squad it's podcast and the podcast profiling the latest and greatest of brand eating i want to thank addison for this uh important news alert that frankly Should have come from Mr. Travis McElroy. Okay, can I tell you something, Justin? You've been doing Munch Squad so long that sometimes something will pop up in my feed, and I'll be like, ooh, that seems like a Munch Squad. And then you'll start a Munch Squad that very week, and I'm like...
Do I know what this is? And I think I know exactly what this is. You know, the step that I think you missed in there was sending it to me. There is a step in there that collaborators do. I refuse to believe it exists in real life. I thought it was a joke at first. No, it's not a joke. It's Skyline Spice. What's that? Yeah, it's Grater's is doing a Skyline Chili flavored ice cream. I have to say. what a betrayal this is as graders is a shining light of Cincinnati culture. Uh-huh. And.
This is grotesque. What does Skyline Chili mean to you culturally, Travis? Yes, Travis, what does Skyline Chili mean to you? Culturally. You know how when you visit a state or a city that has a, like, this is the food of this one, right? Yeah. And there's your diner version, there's your street version, and then fancy restaurants and stuff. would be like, here's the upscale Philly cheesesteak or whatever. That doesn't exist in Cincinnati. There's only the fast food version. It is a meat sauce.
It is not chili. A smooth meat sauce. Oh boy. If you're looking for a Cincinnati food, by the way, just my two cents, Getta is the Cincinnati food. You gotta get to David Getta's fucking new spot. Get to David Getta's. I like this sweet chili that Cincinnati makes. I always get it when I'm cruising through. Taste of chocolate and cinnamon. You got a little chocolate and cinnamon there. I think it's delicious. I think it's cool to have this iconic cultural food for Cincinnati.
that basically everyone knows makes you blow up a huge chart. Yeah, I know two people. Like, everyone knows it. Two people in all of Cincinnati that enjoy it authentically. Yeah. And I enjoy it on a hot dog. On a hot dog, it's great. It's hot dog. Sure. But you and your two friends know it makes you blow up a huge fart like everyone knows about.
And I love that that's just like a sort of brand identity that they embrace. It's detrimental. Yeah. That's what it says right there on the package. Skyline Chili. It's detrimental. Yeah. Yeah, I think that, Trav, let me tell you a little bit for this press release from your own WKRC. In collaboration that embodies the spirit of Cincinnati. Skyline Chili and Grater's Ice Cream have teamed up to create a unique new flavor. The creation named Skyline Spice combines the iconic taste of both...
Beloved local brands. Now, Travis, this is the part I want to highlight. Dick Williams of Skyline Chili acknowledged that some might be skeptical of the unusual pairing, but assured that the new flavor is genuine. Travis, the man said... In the press release, Travis, this is real.
This is not a joke. They tricked me with this before because when Fiona Baby Hippo was a big deal, they partnered with the Cincinnati Zoo to make a Fiona Hippo thing, and it was not Hippo flavored at all. And I fell for it. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on, there's no way they said they were making a hippopotamus-flavored ice cream. Well, they didn't say it was hippopotamus-flavored, but there were hippos all over it.
Juice, your expectation, Juice, you're a little lost in the sauce in this press release, and I need you to really hear what Travis just said, is that he thought that they made an ice cream that tasted like a big zoo animal. Not exactly like, but like Sim, you know. It would be remnant. Like when you eat a pumpkin pie flavor and ice cream and you're like, I get it. Yeah. Hey, so we bought this Sonic the Hedgehog cereal when the new movie came out.
And it didn't taste at all like Sonic, like I imagine Sonic the Hedgehog's body to taste. This episode, this very episode, you were talking about how cow tails are gross because they remind you of cow's tails. You're right, Travis. That's not exactly, that's a huge mischaracterization. He's exactly right.
And I'm being a mondo hypocrite right now. Thank you. All I'm saying is that when I saw it, Cincinnati chili, yes, has a certain cinnamon chocolatey sweetness to it, but it is predominantly meaty. So when I see... A skyline chili ice cream. I think you can see where the doubt comes in. You guys got to hear some of these, okay? So the quote from Grater is from a person named Chip Grater.
Awesome. Yeah. Awesome. That sounds like a job someone has at a Pringles factory. Chip Grater of Grater's Ice Cream revealed the idea for the collaboration has been in the development for several years. Sure. Three to five years ago, we started kicking around this idea of collaboration.
Which one was it, Chip? Which one was it, Chip? You know exactly the day it was. There's no paper trail? Check your emails, Chip. William described the new flavor as a subtle blend. This is just the spice. Just the spice mix. Which people love. And it reminds us of Skyline Chili. But it's just a hint.
And it goes great with no ice cream. It's not gross. I know. It's not gross. Don't get me wrong. It sucks. But it's only a little. It only sucks a little. I promise. It's mostly our thing. Not their thing. Their thing is bad. It's so gross. We will let them put just a little of their thing into our thing. but it's mostly our thing which you love right yeah and when you add the oyster cracker in there that's not salty but it's sweet
It's a great experience. We put a sweet oyster cracker? The duo tested 15 different flavors. I think that's just a Nilla wafer. Hold on. The duo tested 15 different flavors before settling on the final version. And guys, you have to... We had... We had one that punched too hard with the skyline flavor and had cheese bits in it. I want to be there on that day when the student's like, good news, y'all. I cracked it. You know the secret ingredient we're missing?
Queso! He comes in like hair, all of that, like just sweating. Like, is this it? There's chili, like just straining. I don't know. That was the 14th generation. That's that we were all looking at this and thinking. Hmm. Needs cheese. Let's get cheese in it. For everyone who's just kind of been looking at the world and been like, how did we slip into this darkest timeline? It's nice when we see things like this to know like there are avenues that we, there are paths.
that fate could have let us down, that would have been a little bit worse. Is there an ice cream flavor that you guys would be excited that there was cheese in? I'm trying to think of what that would go with that would make me- Apple, like a jam and cheese. There's been a mac and cheese. I mean, didn't we just talk about, they did like a charcuterie inspired thing at Baskin Robbins. That doesn't count though. That's a stunt.
Grater's is above that. Grater's is above. Yeah, absolutely. Skyline Spice is right inside the ice cream. And then a great oyster cracker that stays crunchy in the ice cream. This is the most defensive press release I've ever read. Really? Oh, and then there's another quote. Yeah, the oyster cracker makes it. Cinnamon, a lot of cinnamon, but the oyster cracker? Perfect. The cracker really ties it all together. Salty and buttery. So Cincinnati, said another tester.
He had in the notes, like hit cinnamon hard. They're going to hear cinnamon and they're going to think that's the thing that goes in ice cream sometimes. That's a friend who belongs in ice cream. Cinnamon, cinnamon. No, don't say oyster. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. stop saying oyster please yeah real quick I just sorry I did need to mention and get a little greedy but I wanted to show you guys these real quick because this is just
This is one you got to see for yourself, honestly, because I... What? No. No. No. That's not real, Justin. Yeah, I had to check a few times. Enjoy soup like never before. Progresso, your go-to for comforting premium soups, is innovating beyond expectations this cold and flu season with the launch of the first ever limited edition soup drops.
What's a soup drop? Well, it's a soup you can suck on, of course. Any soup's a soup you can suck on, you fucking loser. Okay, we've been doing MUN Squad long enough now that I believe, and I'm not- breaking new ground here, but this is the kind of thing, right, that would have been an April Fool's joke like six years ago, right? Before things fell apart, yes. And now it's a thing that they're like, we're gonna make...
A hundred of these. So, yes. That is a question I get a lot on Munch Squad. Travis, thank you. The difference is we used to have sin. Yes. There used to be sin. Sin and consequences. Sin, consequences, culpability. Yeah. Right. And that all used to happen. That doesn't happen anymore. So there are no what we in the business, in the QSR food industry, called repercussions for the judgment. So yes, soup drops, you get a can of soup drops. Yeah.
They look grotesque. Is it? Obviously it's funny if we take a can of these soup drops and we... take a bunch of Werther's originals and we replace the Werther's originals with soup. And then we take them to the big hotel that pop pop lives in and give them to all the old elderly people there. And that's like a funny, harmless prank. I'm worried. If the elderly get their hands on soup drops.
It's gonna be a thing. Like, they're gonna get way into them. Yeah, this could be a huge thing for them. This could be huge. They love nasty drops already. They've already been sucking on bullion cubes. Yeah. Now they can just cut out the middleman. Yeah, with soup drops. Soup you can suck on. Soup you can suck on. Suck this. Suck my soup. I'm Progresso.
there's this part's wild man these savory drops are arriving for a limited time this month for national shoot month right at the height of cold and flu season now this press release came out january 16th which is halfway through the month So they already skipped a lot of it, I feel like. So let's see here. Justin, can I tell you something that's messed me up about this picture? And I think it's just that maybe they didn't.
It's horrid. Yeah, it's horrid. Soup Drops looks so bad, dude. They look so bad, I can't describe. On the can... Yeah. You see a bowl of soup with a spoon hovering over it with a soup drop on it. And then next to it says serving suggestion. Yeah. One. In a spoon. But you're saying you should serve these hovering over... A bowl of soup? Another bowl. Yeah, because they say here, we...
It says, now there's no spoon needed to dive into the classic taste of iconic progressive traditional chicken noodle soup, but you certainly can reach for the real thing if you're looking for that feeling of a hug in a bowl. Words are supposed to mean stuff. Which one is it? This sentence says...
Yeah, you can eat it in cough drop form, but you can still buy regular soup. Yeah, we didn't have to stop making the soup. We haven't, like, pushed all our chips in on soup drops. The soup you could suck. Suck that soup! We're still, we're hedging our bets a little bit on this one. We're not willing to go all in. I mean, Oreo posts just stopped making Oreo O's to make Oreo puffs. So stranger things than this have happened.
Can you imagine if fucking Ludens or Ricola put out a new tagline that was like, suck this shit. Suck on it. Medicine, you can suck, asshole. It's crazy, Progresso, for you to come out of the gate with, yeah.
Yeah, it's soup candy. Suck it. That's fucking wild, man. This energy is wild, dude. Man, here's a real... a real fucking barnstormer of a sentence from the person who runs progressive when you're sick nothing is truly more reassuring than chicken noodle soup so we thought why stop at the soup bowl
We took the beloved flavors of our progresso chicken noodle soup and packed them into a fun, savory candy soup drop for a totally new way to enjoy the taste you love whenever and wherever you want. Stop saying. stop justifying it yeah like you know what you did stop like the sentences you're saying are maniacal it is new
I think you can stand bad. Like you made a mistake. Yeah, you could make a chicken soup inhaler. And I still would feel this way. I didn't need it in a different state of matter. I might fuck with a chicken soup inhaler. That would be. That would be good. If you could get some of those good effects of chicken noodle soup, but like when you're at a basketball game, like in public. When they wouldn't let you have like your food in there and you could just do a puff puff of some soup. Smart. Yeah.
Just a soup vape, I guess, is what I'm asking for. I mean, we're close. That favorite flavor of Progresso iconic chicken noodle soup is packed into each drop. It's like broth, savory veggies. chicken, soft egg noodles, and a hint of parsley have all been stirred up in a surprising way that's sure to wow your taste buds. And the best part is you can enjoy soup drops anywhere in the carpool line during a grocery list off a hundred places I hope they just keep going while folding laundry yeah man
Sitting at the doctor's office or hiding under the covers. Hiding under the covers? Listen, guys, the coziness you crave is just one drop away. These are the drops to reach for when you're so depressed.
you can't eat soup. Whereas soup would be too messy because you have to sit up to eat soup. If you're hiding in the rain in a tree outside an enemy's window and you're worried that the rain would dilute your soup, worry no more. That's my- that's my issue is when I'm evading the Babadook in my bedroom yeah I can't eat my soup at the same time when you're monitoring the kids you're not allowed to see
the car in the parking lot across the street. You don't want to risk spilling soup on your lap and looking like an idiot. When you're taking pictures of your wife cuckolding you with your best friend, you can't risk the sands to hold the big zoom lens. They might see the soup steam from your car window. Don't you see? What if their angle was like, everyone keeps burning their genitals and crotch and thighs with our hot molten soup. We know.
We know it's hard and dangerous to eat our food. Stop souping and driving. No more lawsuits, says General Mills. You can't sue us anymore for hot soup because you could have had the drops. Hurt yourself with these drops, babies. The problem is, is at the end of the drop experience, it turns you into a bowl of soup and the Oompa Loompas have to roll you out of there. That is, that's the one problem our boys in R&D couldn't fix. Soupa, soupa, doopity soup. We turn.
another child tooth soup. Goop. Hey, listen. This is where it's... I get irritated because you got to go to progressosoupdrops.com starting on Thursday, January 16th at 9 a.m. Sign a liability waiver. Yeah. With additional quantities released every Thursday for the rest of National Soup Month.
While supplies last. What do you mean while supplies last? How many of those fucking things do you have? Just sell them already. But they're not even selling them, guys. Each order comes with an actual can of progressive chicken noodle soup. All for just $2.49, which is... the typical price of a can of progresso soup plus just 99 cents shipping legal loopholes that's how they get you
It's a real Trojan horse. Here's the way this ends. Do you think that that's so when you pop a soup drop in and you're like, actually, this is gross. But I do have that. Can of soup? I've got blue soup balls. Suck up on this soup you can suck on. No. Suck up on this soup you can suck on for comfort when you really need it and really just...
To say you tried it. Hey, nasty soup perv. And feel supported this cold and flu season. Unless they're like... medicated give me medicated soup drops that are gonna like cool my throat or something and like now I'm feeling supported otherwise you're just giving me
A bad experience. If I could put one of these into an eight ounce cup of hot water and then moments later. Bullion cube, baby. That's what you're talking about. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. he wants the candy I wanted I want but then you put it in the cup and it turns into real soup with stuff I want to taste the soft egg noodles I keep going back to when he said it's a savory candy and I am really getting stuck on that because I know you can have
savory components, but like... True. Is it sweet, gang? I mean, is it a confection? The closest we've gotten is like black licorice, where at that point it's at most a punishing sweet candy. Okay. It's like the Swedish salted fish. It's an umami. Yeah. It's an umami bomb. I wish to God I had these. I would do anything. For the soup you can suck on?
I really would like to eat one to see what it's like. Set your timer right now before you forget for Thursday to buy soup drops. I'll rely on my droogies to get me my soup drops. That's right, my droogies. You'll be there at... the Zenoid to get me my drops, don't you? P.O. Walk 54, that's a good droogie. Send it to 24706. I'll take all the cans you got. Fuck.
Rachel, cut that out. Don't cut it out, Rachel. Oh, no. I want all the beautiful little soup droppies you can get, my little gremlins. We'll be gone, but be back soon. Not today, perhaps tomorrow. Send me soup I can suck on, but pay back soup. Here's the problem. I know myself well enough. It would just be soup I could crunch on. Violet rocks a local post-off for sure.
Miles rocks the local post office when the staff once again beats up on the husky boy that keeps doing bad stunts and ruining the whole thing with heavy cans of soup drops. Yeah, we got a hundred loose cans of soup you can suck on here.
They just wrote it on Sharpie, wrote the address, and threw it in a mailbox. Yeah, I got something you could suck on, podcaster. Thanks a lot, pal. I really appreciate these heavy boxes. Not since you made 100,000 boxes of Kraft dinner get delivered here. Have we hated your...
got so much no it does i bet the post office is so excited that you're still you're keeping the youngins using the post office for sure for sure anything i can do hey folks thanks so much for listening to our podcast we hope you have enjoyed yourself in two weeks we're gonna be in florida And you better do it too.
Yeah. So February 20th and 21st, we're going to be in Tampa doing My Brother, My Brother and Me on the 20th and Adventure Zone on the 21st. It's our first ever Adventure Zone in Florida, so don't miss it. February 22nd, we're doing My Brother, My Brother and Me in Jacksonville for tickets and info. Go to bit.ly slash McElroy Tours. Also, Champions Grove is coming up in May. There's only four packages available.
We're playing some board games, table games. You could do D&D with our guests, other games we're playing, meet new friends, explore the castle. Explore yourself. Explore yourself. Emotionally, spiritually, physically. Explore your own limits. ChampionsGrowth.com. That's where you can go get tickets. Go check it out.
Bunch of merch up in the merch store, including a holographic Dare to Care sticker. It's retro. 50% of the proceeds from that sticker will be donated to World Central Kitchen. There's also a Poetry Corner bumper magnet. Not a whole bumper for a car, but a magnet designed by Dana Wagner. of course from uh from my other podcast wonderful that i do with my wife rachel uh it's really rad also you can still get the vod for candle nights 2024 pay what you want all proceeds go to harmony house and
10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to World Central Kitchen. So, McElroyMerch.com. Go check it out. Now, here's what's happened. We're recording this the same day that the episode in which we announce that we want people to send the fears that they're going to overcome comes in. So I need one of you boys to step up. And share a fear. A fear that I'm going to get over? That you're going to be faster than this year. Okay. I'm going to stop being afraid that I'll let my kids down.
Oh, wait. Is that what you mean? That's the kind of thing you want? No. Now, like I said, I was going to. I'm going to stop being afraid that if I take more than one milligram of melatonin, I'll sleep all day. Because that is.
That's a persistent fear, and I know that doesn't make sense. I'm 44 years old. It's like the end of Army of Darkness. If you take too much- I'm 180 pounds, there's like no way. There's no way it's gonna make me sleep all day. No way. What happened? Doctor! Doctor! What happened? I got really scared. I woke up one-
guys woke up one time after I took one and a half milligrams and I felt like I was hungover so I'm just gonna but I'm not gonna be afraid of it anymore I'm just gonna like take one milligram I think that's a decent thing to not be afraid of but to be like
observant of. Yeah. It's like, I'm careful about it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to keep my head on a swivel. My name's Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad square on the lips. Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.