A lot of the things missing from articles about solo polyamory, from people writing about it kind of from the outside or just what they think it probably is without knowing as much about it.
The big piece that's usually missing is the intentionality of it. The point of it is that it is an intentional choice that's made for your health and well-being, and also that part of that means... communicating this as clearly as possible to the people that you do date and to the friends and people in your life that matter, that you're being really upfront and honest about that instead of...
doing the default, which is everyone's going to assume, oh, you want this kind of normal track of how a relationship's going to go. But instead, it's being upfront about what it is that you're looking for, what it is that you want. And I think that... intentionality is the big piece that's missing from those outside sources. Welcome to the Multi-Amory podcast. I'm Jace. I'm Emily.
And I'm Dedeker. We believe in looking to the future of relationships, not maintaining the status quo of the past. Whether you're monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, casually dating, or if you just do relationships differently. We see you, and we're here for you. On this episode of the Multiamory Podcast, we're talking about solo polyamory, what it is, the many variations and forms it can take, and why it might be a relationship style you want to consider.
We're also going to dive into some criticisms of solo polyamory and address some of the implications that it might have on your romantic relationships. If you're interested in learning more about our fundamental communication tools that we reference on this show, you can check out our book, Multiamory Essential Tools for Modern Relationships. It covers some of our most used communication tools for all types of relationships.
Find links to buy it at multiamory.com book or ask about it at your local bookstore. I've been seeing a lot of things out there recently about solo polyamory. And I was a little curious to go back into the multi-emory archives. The three of us are very bad. Cracking open the vault. The vault, yes. The three of us are very bad about remembering the time in which we discussed a specific topic. I think sometimes even if we've discussed it at all.
It's difficult sometimes to go back and remember, like, yeah, yeah, we talked about that. It must have been three weeks ago, but it was actually... 12 years ago or whatever not 12 but eight or something yeah i so we've done a few episodes on this however one of the episodes that i was thinking about in relation to solo polyamory was our episode 322 from the kitchen table to the parallel universe. That one was talking kind of about the spectrum of entwinement within polyamorous relationships.
So there were things like high levels of entwinement, like kitchen table polyamory or garden party polyamory, and then very low levels of entwinement, like don't ask, don't tell. But we didn't talk about solo polyamory in that one, which I found a little surprising. So I wanted to discuss... What do the two of you think about in terms of level of entwinement, how entwined two people are when they are solo polyamorous? Like, if I were solo polyamorous and were in a relationship with Dedeker...
But Dedeker maybe has a live-in partner, Jace. How entwined are all of those people, for instance, if you are solo polyamorous? Well, again, I don't think solo polyamory falls on the spectrum of entwinement, at least not the way that I... conceptualized it because the whole spectrum is about like how entwined, how much overlap is there between all of the multiple partners involved in some kind of non-monogamous situation, right?
So I think that you can identify a solo polyamorous. So like in your example, Emily, like if you and I are dating, but I have a live-in partner, that could be a parallel situation, right? Where like you don't really cross paths very much with my live-in partner and vice versa.
Or it could be a kitchen table situation where like, yeah, maybe you do come over for coffee pretty regularly. Maybe you do live, I don't know, in the same neighborhood or stuff like that. But I don't think that that would necessarily change whether or not you're practicing solo polyamory, if for you.
the aim is not about like trying to cohabit or trying to specifically entangle with someone or trying to become a couple with somebody. That's the way that I think about it, that I think much like... the whole alpha male hierarchy and how they then created sigma males that are outside of the hierarchy. I think solo polyamory. It's sort of like outside to use a really terrible reference point. That was a terrible analogy. Yeah.
I mean, I do think it's interesting you bring up the point that that episode was about the spectrum of entwinement between all of the different partners that are involved in a polycule versus, I think... Solo polyamory is kind of about the spectrum of entwinement just within...
each particular relationship. What's inside yourself? The entwinement inside you all along. That's where my brain went, and I understand what both of you are saying. I think it's just the question of people looking at the term. solo polyamory and immediately thinking that that means a lack of entwinement or a very low level of entwinement. And so I guess from like a broader perspective, that was where...
my head went and where this question was coming from, that if there were a scale, where would it fall? I mean, definitely where it seems like it would fall is on that less entwined side of the scale. Since some of the... defining aspects of it, at least in my mind, are generally not cohabiting. And I think that cohabiting tends to go hand in hand with a lot more entwinement just by necessity.
That if you're living together, now you're financially and more physically up in each other's business, regardless of whether you want that or not. That's just a part of living together, even if it's with roommates or whatever. I guess I would see it on the lesser side, the less entwined side, for that reason, if nothing else. I think I know the answer to this for both of you.
Oh, the answer for both of us. Okay. Yes. But I'm going to ask you so that the listener can hear what your answer is. But have either of you ever engaged in solo polyamory before? Yeah. In an equivalent of it. There was a period where I probably would have defined my life more like solo polyamory. Yeah, there was a period and it was probably when I was like right smack dab in the middle of my nomading years. Exactly. I spent about like five years nomading.
Whereas, yeah, I would stay with certain partners, kind of do some temporary cohabitation with partners for a few months out of the year. But I remember there being a very distinct moment where I knew that I'm not trying to put myself on a track. towards permanent cohabitation with anybody and i'm not trying to put myself on a track towards shared finances or getting married or
Like I'm not even on a track towards wanting to move all my partners into the same house or anything like that. And so I think that that's probably the time when I would have been closest to how people define solo polyamory. Yeah. And I find it interesting. When I think back to that time in your life, Dediker, that it kind of parallels what I'm going through currently, which is that you ended a major relationship.
And you sort of were like, I'm going to go do something freaking radical and very cool. Those are the words that I used, I believe. Maybe they're the words that I used to describe what you did. Yeah, pretty intense. and huge in my life and therefore the person that I'm working on the most at this point in my life was self, meaning you are working on yourself.
the most during that time and now you are in that phase of correct prioritizing yourself yeah so when i look at this i i can see a lot of parts of it that make a lot of sense to me I think we'll get into this more. It's not necessarily a state that'll be in forever, but when you leave something that you sort of are in a pattern of habitually...
jumping right back into a similar thing over and over again. And that is a very entwined, very intense type of relationship that causes you for better or for worse to change. and often change i think for the worst at least that's how i was continuing to do things in my life and i will say when i moved to new york i was in the midst of jumping into and re-entwining myself with somebody
in a way that I had done over and over and over again throughout the course of my, like, adult relationships. And I know, Jace especially, you were like, well, maybe hold your horses. Maybe don't do that. And you were right. I mean, I found that that really wasn't the thing that I should be doing. And so I took a step back from that relationship. And I think.
I'm headed more in a direction of re-understanding myself in a way that maybe I haven't gotten the opportunity to in my adult life because I've been so entwined with these other people. and worried about what it was that they needed from me and less about what it is that i need for myself so i'm for it i'm here for it i'm waving the emily solo polyamory flag oh yeah yeah yeah so what would be on that flag like
oh gosh it would be pink for sure it would be oh i love it probably be a cat maybe like a nintendo mushroom yes and like new york city in the background or like some like ambiguous city yeah i love all that i'm picturing emily like flying through the air as well you know doing something radical Somebody would make blue shelling all your ex-partners. Oh my goodness. Okay. Wow. Okay. Somebody make this flag. Yeah. Hopefully it's, it's a cute, sweet flag too. All right.
So what even is solo polyamory? This has gotten so much press recently that it was even in the New York Times. And I guess that's not saying much because a lot of non-monogamy things have been in the New York Times, but... There was an article in February about solo polyamory, and I liked the definition that they put in there.
It was having concurrent intimate relationships while maintaining independence. For the solo poly, the end goal is not an exclusive partnership, marriage, shared finances, or cohabitation. There was like a WebMD article that basically talked about... Wait, what? There was a WebMD article on solo polyamory? Exactly. So we can self-diagnose ourselves awake at 2 a.m. in the middle of the night? Yeah, apparently. Is that what happened?
to you emily no i i did not i just in looking up if you type in solo polyamor like that web md article is there but it really i didn't particularly agree with a lot of what it had to say because it was very much about like oh They don't have intimate relationships. There's the level of entwinement and level of commitment is really low or it's non-existent. You should talk to a doctor. Yeah, exactly. Talk to a doctor to see if solo polyamory is right for you. Exactly.
No, the thing at the end was telling the reader to be careful about STDs, of course. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, WebMD. Yeah, I feel like you missed the mark a little WebMD. Okay, but to be the devil's advocate here, it is WebMD. Sure. Fine. They had a solo polyamory article at all. I don't blame them for trying to be for them remembering. Oh, wait, we're a medical blog. We need to tie it back to medicine and health.
Yeah, well, they did. So I think this has been a really hot topic for content creators. And as I've said, it's something that I feel very drawn to right now. So thank you for all of the content creators out there on Instagram, especially who have really cool blurbs and discussions on solo polyamory. I'll reference some of them throughout this episode.
And of course, we can't forget to recognize the amazing Amy Guerin, who wrote Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator, Uncommon Love and Life. We've had her on the show a million years ago, episode 164. She also contributed quotes for our book and also created the Solo Poly Facebook group.
And she's still a moderator on there. So you can go check that out if you want. And then also solopoly.net is the blog, which doesn't really have any new content, but there's a lot of great older content on there. So when Amy Guerin was getting ready to write her book, which was stepping off of the relationship escalator, she put a survey on her blog. And there ended up being hundreds of respondents on this survey.
They were from people in a bunch of different types of nontraditional relationships. And she found that about one in four do not currently have a primary style partner. Although they have other kinds of relationships they consider significant. And then an additional 13% currently aren't in any relationships they consider significant, although they prefer non-traditional relationship styles.
So I guess, yeah, they're significant, whatever that means. And then people who have relationships that aren't significant and also... prefer non-traditional relationships like non-monogamy. So altogether, nearly 40% of respondents don't fit in this primary partner model.
which is really interesting fascinating to me now it might be a little biased because it's readers of her blog so that is true bias this more but still that's a significant number of people who are not in the like typical i've got a primary partner and then i have secondary partners which i think is still kind of the most common thing that we see in the media or at least what comes to mind when they think about polyamory in the wider world so yeah that is interesting
That 13 percent of respondents who aren't currently in any significant relationships, a minority of them, 18 percent of that 13 percent, said that finding a significant relationship is a high life priority for them. And in contrast, about two thirds said that they're fine with or without a significant relationship or that maybe they'd like one eventually, but it's not a high priority right now.
And again, that also goes against this narrative that everyone is looking for a partner, that it's the most important thing. And that, you know, you're going to die if you don't have a partner, that you're going to be a horrible, awful, sad human being if you don't have somebody to love you.
I've seen that among polyamorous people, too, where there can be this thing of like, no, but I want to have a primary partner that's that entwined as much as they'll point to someone else and be like, if I had that, then I'd feel good.
Well, which is also, let me just swoop in to say, I think it's totally okay for people to want that. Oh, sure, sure. I'm ding dong. I'm the one who wrote the, oh, but what if I want the relationship escalator episode? So of course I'm going to advocate for those people. But yeah, I think, but I probably. I'm assuming what you're speaking more to, Jace, is there can still be this unquestioned assumption that that's what everybody should...
want or should be seeking or that that's the only way to have a really fulfilling non-monogamous experience. Yeah. Or the only way to have a secure non-monogamous experience or any number of qualifiers you might put on it. And the respondents who have at least one significant relationship, but not a primary one, she found that only about a handful, meaning about 7%, reported that a current lover is part of their household.
Nearly 40% live alone, and one-quarter report that they prefer living alone. Just under one-third said that they'd like to live with a lover or a partner someday, but it's not a high priority. And 20% said that they're fine living either solo or with a partner. And just 3% of what she found in this survey said that they'd strongly prefer to live with a lover or a partner.
And that making that happen is currently a high life priority. Again, I agree with you. This is probably pretty skewed in one direction because people are literally looking up solopoly.net and going on here. It probably is more common than people realize that it is. Well, what I feel like it says to me, even if we're assuming that this is a sample that's biased towards people who...
who already identify as solo polyamory are already practicing in that way. But it shows that the people who are solo polyamorous are not that way just as a product of circumstances necessarily. Because there can be that assumption, too. Yeah, for sure.
This is a little bit of an afterthought that you've ended up here. It's just because, like, you're too busy to date or you haven't had success in dating or things like that, where this seems to imply that, like, no, this ties into a particular value and priority system.
for these people it's it's maybe not necessarily just oh i would love this particular thing but it's not working out right now and therefore i'm attaching this label to it yeah yeah and i think we've talked about this a lot on the show but There are statistics that show that women who are not living with a spouse are actually much happier than those who live with a spouse. Yeah, I'm not surprised. No, I'm not either. Oh, sorry.
I'm not subtweeting you, Jace. You are a wonderful live-in partner. You're the best live-in partner I've ever had in my entire life. That's why I'm living with you. But of course, I've spent a lot of time thinking about past experiences living with partners and also... past experiences living alone and really enjoying it quite a lot. Yeah, I do think that those past experiences that I've had, not that, you know, the last person I lived with, the living situation itself wasn't terrible.
But I think it was all the other baggage that came with the implications of living with a person, that there's a huge amount of baggage that comes with that. And also, I think just a lot of pressure on the relationship.
And then, you know, the lack of novelty, et cetera, et cetera. I love my space by myself right now so much. And if I were to give that up again, it would have to be in a very specific, very... intentional situation and i'm not going to do that for just anyone anymore my last partner was like we should move in together and i absolutely realized over a period of time no that's not what i want to do
So I'm really glad that I didn't do that and jump right into that again. I think you really hit at some of the heart of this that, you know, one, it's not just something of circumstance, but it's actually has to do with the values and what somebody wants.
And that also, this isn't necessarily an identity that someone has to have all of the time. I don't think that's really true with, you know, a lot of the ways that we do our relationships or conduct our friendships even, right? This might change over time. but that they don't have to. It's not like it's a step on the way to something else. It could actually be where you end up after being somewhere else. But I think the key part of the solo polyamory ideal...
is that however you've ended up here, that it's intentional, that you're actually giving thought to it and focusing on, you know, what does that look like? Why am I doing this? What are my priorities? And how do I want to connect to other people? So, Emily, you put together here this non-exhaustive list of different forms that solo polyamory can take. Some examples are choosing not to cohabit with a romantic partner, but instead to have other roommates or just live alone.
Or just prioritizing oneself first, especially if you're someone who tends to over give of yourself and kind of not leave enough left for yourself to stay healthy and for your own well-being. Or maybe not wanting to share certain things like finances with a partner. Maybe that's something you realized the benefits of that are not worth the trade-offs, not worth the costs of that. It could involve something like just choosing to sleep alone.
I feel like that's increasingly something that I've been hearing from people, especially as all my friends get older and they start to realize that the conditions they need for sleeping are becoming more and more and more intense, I guess I'll say, and complicated.
rube goldberg-esque and i can totally start to relate to this because i'm at getting to that age where i'm just like if it's not the right pillow and the right temperature and the right ambient noise and the right weight of blanket like oh it's just not gonna happen right and so so for some people stepping...
into this solo polyamory spectrum could involve that, right? Of choosing to sleep alone, not always defaulting to sleeping with a partner or staying over at a partner's place. Similarly, it could be maybe choosing to live with a partner, but maintaining separate bedrooms.
I suppose also this deconstruction of like, even if you do decide to cohabit with a partner, that it doesn't necessarily bring along with it all the things we associate with cohabiting, right? Like presenting as a couple all the time or entangling your... finances or you know only having one bedroom and like not having any like independent areas in the house and things like that this yeah can also just have to do with
your identity in general even if you're not living together of just wanting to be sure that your primary identity is as me the person and not just as me the part of this couple which i think traditionally at least that's usually what happens right is that we just become this part of a couple and that's that's our public identity that's what people know us as except for maybe our oldest friends or something like that in terms of being solo polyamorous it can kind of come in seasons in your life
If you, for example, are choosing to prioritize the needs of a child or if you have a loved one who is ill and you need to prioritize that, those things might take precedent over. a romantic partnership for instance and so it makes more sense for a time in your life to be solo polyamorous or to put you know your relationships
kind of on the back burner while you deal with the thing that is the most important to you at that point in your life, including yourself. So I just appreciate the fact that it can ebb and flow and that our identities are not static.
Some identities might be, but I think identities like this can continue for the majority of your life or they can change over the course of your life. And with all this, it's also important to point out that I think the big... thing that that webmd article was missing and i think the big thing missing from a lot of with home remedies
Yes. A lot of the things missing from articles about solo polyamory, from people writing about it kind of from the outside or just what they think it probably is without knowing as much about it.
The big piece that's usually missing is the intentionality of it. The point of it is that it is an intentional choice that's made for your health and well-being, and also that part of that means... communicating this as clearly as possible to the people that you do date and to the friends and people in your life that matter, that you're being really upfront and honest about that instead of...
doing the default, which is everyone's going to assume, oh, you want this kind of normal track of how a relationship's going to go. But instead, it's being upfront about what it is that you're looking for, what it is that you want. And I think that... intentionality is the big piece that's missing from those outside sources. Absolutely. I love this quote from At Queer Sex Therapy.
They said, for me, this relationship orientation is about massaging the balance between quality relationship time and quality me time. I require a lot of time and my own space to recharge without any pressure to immediately meet anyone's needs. Solo polyam seems to be the best fit for me, at least for now. Who knows how my relationship wants and needs will continue to evolve. Love that.
So before we go on to some common criticisms and misconceptions of solo polyamory, we're going to take a quick break to talk about some sponsors of this show. If they seem interesting to you, please use our promo codes, use the links in our episode description. That does support our show. And if you would like to join our community, that's available to anybody at a sliding scale at multiamory.com slash join.
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That's multi, M-U-L-T-I at adamandeve.com, adammail.com, or evestoys.com. This is an exclusive offer that is specific to this podcast, and it's better than any offer that is currently available on their site. So again, use code. Multi to get you not just the 50% discount, but also the 100% free shipping. Code M-U-L-T-I. Something that we've sort of danced around so far in this episode has been the really common misunderstandings of solo polyamory, even...
coming from people within the non-monogamous community. So we wanted to take a moment to talk about some of the common misconceptions and also common criticisms of solo polyamory. I think the number one that I see is people being like, wait, but isn't this essentially the same thing as just like dating around, not getting too committed to anybody? Isn't this the same thing as being single?
And to be fair, like for a lot of people, like not seeking couplehood and yet also being in relationship and having multiple partners, the closest proxy is the whole playing the field. thing you know the very traditional sort of dating multiple people like just trying people on but like not settling down yet but it's still with the general hopes of eventually settling down and I do think that's one of the big distinguishing factors is that someone who's intentionally being
being solo polyamorous, is not looking for one specific person to couple up with and spend their life with, you know, or get entwined with. But it doesn't necessarily mean that they're also just trying to... I don't know, sow their wild oats and keep everybody at arm's length. Yeah, I mean, that distinction, I think, is one to address the fact that in a lot of like monogamous relationships or somebody who is more monogamous leaning.
You're not going to necessarily tell that you're dating a bunch of people at once. You're just going to kind of like leave those relationships not knowing you are potentially dating other people as well. And solo polyamory, because it's polyamory. Everyone's going to ideally know that that is something that's going on. Multiple people are being dated. Yeah, I mean, another one here.
Is solo polyamory just a more selfish way to do relationships? Interesting. I haven't heard that one. Really? Wait, are you joking? Oh, I thought you were joking. No. I mean, well, I guess I... I think I've mostly heard just isn't non-monogamy in general just such a selfish way to do relationships. Yes, that too. Maybe I just tune it out because I assume it's all the same criticism.
Sure, I think a lot of it is, but we live in this weird world where anytime you try to emphasize like, oh, I'm doing this for myself, there can be this reaction to go, oh, well, that's selfish then. It's like, well, I guess in a way it is motivated by wanting to care for myself. So you could say that's selfish. But I think usually when we say the word selfish, we mean it of like, I'm prioritizing myself at the expense of others.
Yeah. Like that's what selfish is. And I think some people can hear all the people shouting like, hey, it's really important to take care of yourself and prioritize yourself and have boundaries and all this. And they read that as like, oh, I should be more selfish, meaning.
kind of at the expense of others or not really caring about the needs of others and just focusing on what I want. And that's definitely not what's going on here in solo polyamory. I think if you were trying to do that, you would do.
Emily was saying, where you just kind of don't communicate a lot. You just focus on getting what you want and then not let anybody pin you down or whatever. But instead, solo polyamory is trying to take care of yourself, but also being... conscious of communicating that to other people and having interdependence with other people and supporting the people in your life, but not just seeking it in that same normal way of wanting to get entwined with a romantic partner.
Here's a nice quote that illustrates this. This is by Laura Grant on the Solo podcast. Some ways that people do interdependence is expressed through polyamory. That can also be expressed through other ways. It's easy to dismiss solo polyamory as being selfish and individualistic. I don't know about you, I spent most of my 2021 helping my brother. I help my friends all the time. I'm the president of my HOA board. I do a lot of things in my life for individuals and communities I care about.
Don't look at this as a trivial way to lead a selfish life. It can be the cornerstone of a well-connected, interdependent life that enriches everybody you're involved with and who's involved with you.
And I've heard people say also that you get more time to recharge and therefore you have more ability to go out and do things that matter to the community at large and that matter to you because... you have the bandwidth to actually take on those things more than if you were just always around somebody and had to deal with the little intensities that come up by just cohabiting with someone, for example.
Yeah. Or I mean, even thinking about kind of the typical way of getting really entwined with one person and it's like all of my energy to help and give love goes to that person and nobody else. Exactly. Maybe that's actually the more selfish way to go about it. I don't know. Yeah, and I think a lot of people out there would say things like, oh, well, it's selfish to not have kids. So maybe they would say that solo polyamory is selfish as well, just because...
It's not, I guess, contributing in that way. You're not getting married and therefore contributing to society in that way or having children and contributing to society in that way necessarily. But those don't tend to be non-monogamous people. much more normative people, I think, in general. Right. Although you can be solo poly and have a kid. That is true. Just like you can be single and have a kid. You can do a lot of things. It's not necessarily that those go together. Indeed.
So another one is that solo polyamorous people aren't looking for commitment or to fall in love. But the reality is solo polyamorous people absolutely can have really committed relationships. They might just not look exactly the same way that traditional relationships look. They can definitely still fall in love. They can care very deeply for their partners. But there is this sense that their identity will remain their own.
and not necessarily becoming that unit that you were talking about, Jace, that we describe ourselves as an us and our friends know us as... Jason Dedeker, or whomever. I just have you guys in front of me, but yeah. But it's fair. It does happen. Yeah, absolutely. That you become just this twosome, and so the individual part of you is no longer a thing anymore.
So I think they might not want to be couple-centric in the ways that are the default for many partnered people, but they still can have super-duper committed, loving, caring, meaningful relationships with people. So on the flip side of people sometimes collapsing solo polyamory into singlehood or dating around, sometimes I think even people within the non-monogamous slash like non-normative relationship space can collapse it in the other direction.
And relationship anarchy definitely intersects with solo polyamory in a variety of ways. You don't necessarily have to practice one in order to also claim the other one and vice versa. I still can believe that you can conceivably be a relationship anarchist and still choose to be in a monogamous sexual and romantic relationship.
That's a conversation and a debate for another time. So, of course, there's many solo polyamorous who might consider themselves relationship anarchists, maybe because of the lack of hierarchy and how they decide to organize their relationships. But they're not necessarily one in the same. So... We recommend that if this is a topic that interests you...
Of course, go check out the Relationship Anarchy Manifesto. You can check out our episodes on it. You can go all the way back to 150, where we first covered it. You can go check out a more recent episode, 339, called The Smorgasbord of Relationships, and also 398, which is more... specifically about monogamy and relationship anarchy.
I found a post by at love underscore vastly on Instagram. They discussed this concept called relationship libertarianism. Dedeker has referenced emotional libertarianism on the show and... just in general and it's kind of the same thing it's this belief that people should just be 100 free to do whatever they want and if it doesn't feel good to their partners too bad
Whatever, you're free to leave, but, you know, I'm going to basically do whatever it is that I want. I think that some people might conflate solo polyamory with this, but it's not the same thing. Those who are solo polyamorous... are people who really do care deeply about their partnerships and want to make sure that they are still committed, they are still loved, they still feel good and feel taken care of within the relationship.
But again, it's just not doing some of those things that we think relationships mean in terms of enmeshing in very specific ways. So if I could if I could give a hot take, I would say one part of this that is true is you are free to leave. And I would recommend you do that if you're dating someone who identifies as a relationship libertarian. I don't think anyone identifies.
as a relationship libertarian. You don't think so? I mean, some people identify as libertarians in general, so maybe there's some other people. Yes, no, I believe in the existence of libertarians, unfortunately. I do agree that libertarians exist, like political libertarians exist. My take on this, since we're piling on the hot takes now, is I see this behavior that gets labeled as relationship libertarianism or emotional libertarianism.
when people do what I call solo poly or relationship anarchy as a defense mechanism. And now let me clarify what I mean by that is that like, I do think certain people, especially if they are freshly out of maybe a very controlling. monogamous relationship or if they really felt like their autonomy and their freedom was under attack. Maybe that's happened in a string of relationships. And so then they swing super, super, super hard the other way.
into this behavior of no i'm not responsible for anybody i'm not going to take care of anybody's feelings i should get to do exactly what i want and again if someone doesn't like it then they can leave and i like I suppose people have a right to do that if they really want to do that, provided they communicate that very explicitly up front.
But I've also met a lot of people who've been hurt by that because often this is not necessarily communicated explicitly up front. Sometimes it is hidden behind, well, I'm solo poly now, I'm a relationship anarchist now, and therefore that means I do not give a shit about your feelings.
Yeah, I've definitely seen this one thrown at Relationship Anarchy. I feel like more than I've seen it thrown at Solo Polyamory. For sure. But I agree. Yeah, it is very much the assumption that, oh, you must mean that. And yeah, some people using it as a cover for... actually being selfish kind of like we talked about earlier and again like especially someone who's coming from that pain and I mean I do think about you Emily getting out of a relationship that felt very controlling to you and
kind of trying to come back to your sense of self that for you that's been absolutely crucial right like to to re-establish your sense of self and re-establish prioritizing your own desires and so it's like I never want to discourage somebody from doing that but I do feel like there is
If you're going to continue to like date people and open your heart to people and have people open their hearts to you, there needs to be more compassion around it. And I think it's like the compassion and the care that distinguishes it from this like relationship libertarianism. Well, and that's a specific trajectory of this, or I guess a specific side of this that is not necessarily what the person who was writing about this kind of came from.
Because they were talking about the fact that they see a lot of privileged people getting into this pattern of wanting to do things from this more... I don't really care what it is that you think and I'm going to do whatever I want. And it tends to be very privileged people. So people who are generally like white cis-head males, for instance, who just are kind of like, OK, I am not.
really going to care about my partner because I deserve to have whatever it is that I want. And my partner is needy, for instance, if they are asking specific things from me. I am not needy. I don't need anything from them. And if they ask things from me, then, you know, that's not okay kind of thing. So I like the lens that you were putting on it, Dediker, and I'm sure that that's absolutely the case, that that can be true. But there's probably this more like insidious side of it.
with people who just sort of want to slap a label on something and say, yeah, I'm relationship anarchist or I am solo polyamory and therefore I don't have to worry about anyone's feelings. Bottom line, don't do this. Don't do these things. Sure. Do not. Be kind to your partners, be loving, be giving, regardless of what you've been through. If you need to take time for yourself to just be solo, period, to not date anyone.
and to heal in that way, I would say do that rather than do this for sure every single time. I feel like I'm in a situation where I can have relationships that are a little bit less enmeshed. meaning that I get to live alone and that maybe I take very specific time for myself, but I still really care about my partner and I really want to do right by them and make sure that the two of us are happy within the configuration.
that works best for us. To finish out this episode, we're going to get into some things that you can do to explore if solo polyamory or maybe some aspects of it might be right for you, as well as if you decide that. How can you go about it in the best way possible?
Before we get to that, we're going to take another quick break to talk about a couple sponsors for this show. Again, use our promo codes and our links in our episode description if they're interesting to you, because that does support our show. And of course, you can support us directly by going to Multiamor.com. dot com slash join
And we're back, and it's time to figure out how do you decide if solo polyamory is right for you? I would say don't ask your doctor, actually. Don't consult WebMT. Don't go to WebMT. No need for that. I mean... I'm sure there's some of you who are listeners to our show who are both doctors and solo poly folks. And...
We love you. We're so glad that you exist. But so not to throw you under the bus, but I'm just saying your doctor probably doesn't know much about solar polyamory, most likely. Most likely. How do you figure it out? And of course, we always recommend that you whip out your multi-emory journal and start to do a little bit of exploratory writing. So you can ask yourself questions like, in my past relationships,
What were common issues that arose around time, autonomy, and independence? Was this ever a source of conflict between myself and a partner? In my past relationships, Did I have a tendency to acquiesce to the needs and desires of my partner? Did I put their wants and needs ahead of my own? Do I think that I've had a pattern of codependency in my relationships? And is that something that I want to change?
Have the pressures of my past relationships made me feel claustrophobic or overwhelmed? What types of expectations from partners am I fine with and what expectations am I not okay with? What does autonomy mean to me? How do I know when I have autonomy and what does the autonomy of other people that I relate to mean to me? How do I know when they have autonomy? So take a pause.
refresh the ink in your pen, and now we'll continue writing in our journal. Dip your quill pen back in the ink pot, or maybe run your writing brush across the ink stone once again. Yeah, I love that. Am I someone who values many things and people in my life in addition to or as much as my romantic relationships? Do I tend to also similarly prioritize friends, family, and my community as much as I prioritize my romantic relationships? Do I prefer being alone and living by myself?
Does being alone allow me to recharge and come back to my relationships as a better version of myself? Do I currently have things in my life that are taking precedence over a romantic relationship, such as work, kids, hobbies, personal development? And am I interested in living a life outside of the norm?
including challenging the ideas of coupledom, marriage, and children, and do these values align with my own or not? So the idea with all of these is you're kind of exploring and getting a sense of... How much of you does feel drawn to these ideas of solo polyamory? And how much doesn't? And maybe more importantly, which aspects are the ones that ring true for me? Because it's not a, you have to take everything or nothing.
Just doing this can give you some guidance on how you actually want to conduct your relationships, how you want to build your relationships, and also how you want to maintain your relationship with yourself.
Starting to ask some of these questions about where do my values lie and what have I noticed? What have I been able to observe about myself and my past experiences? Can already get you a huge amount of the way toward... understanding how you want to conduct your relationships with the most integrity and also the most well-being so you can bring your best self to all the relationships in your life, not just the romantic ones.
Just wanted to leave you all with some best practices as a solo polyamorous person. If from that writing exercise, you realize, yeah, this is a good thing for me and my life. This is something that I really want to explore and want to do. Maybe like me, you just got out of a really major relationship and your life is changing in a lot of ways and you decide this is sort of how you want to move forward. With that, I think communication is always key.
So make sure you're really upfront with your partners or with a potential partner about what it is that you're able to give from like a time perspective, from a relational entwinement perspective. And be clear with a new partner about your expectations of the relationship escalator. Maybe do the relationship anarchy smorgasbord with them or the non-escalator relationship menu.
We can link those things in the show notes, or again, you can go back and check out our episode on the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord. And work on creating and maintaining your own specific boundaries. That is going to be something for you to uphold and maintain. And you can check out our chapter on boundaries in our book and our episode 423, Boundaries Are All About Yourself. I think that's super important because... If you're somebody like me,
Your boundaries are sometimes porous and wishy-washy and not great. And that is something that I know personally I need to get better about. And so it's really helpful to be able to write down your boundaries, go through the yourself exercise. continue to evolve those boundaries and change them if they need to be changed over time and do a good job setting them and maintaining them if you can, because especially with something like this, if this is a value that you have.
It's something that you're going to want to continue to maintain over time because I am constantly butting up against like, well, should I be more entwined? Should I just move in with a partner again? Would it be easier? But if that's not. best for you at this point in your life, then maintain those boundaries. Yeah, but I feel like you've been having so many success stories recently of maintaining boundaries around what you actually want in this chapter of your life. Thank you.
I think that's a big difference between where I was a year ago. It's kind of shocking. I feel it's important to underline the fact that... Being solo polyamorous within our current social context is not easy. There's a lot of forces that not only push us towards... one very particular type of relationship, right? There's a lot of social forces pushing us towards married monogamy for the purpose of procreating.
And of course, a lot of people fall outside of that. But again, even if you're comfortable coloring outside the lines, those forces are still there pushing us towards, yeah, but still, it's going to be more stable and secure if you live with someone, if you...
entwined with someone in this way, if you identify as a couple in this particular way. And if that's not something that you want at this particular time, I guess it's the kind of thing where we just always want to remind people that, yeah, there's going to be challenges you're probably going to bump up against.
Maybe some resistance, a lack of understanding, people being confused, maybe even people being hurt. You know, sometimes people can take it personally if you don't want to live with them or you're not ready to live with them or you don't want to entwine with them in a particular way, right? And so I think we just want to be at least one more source reminding you that it is not impossible to have loving, caring, secure connections with people, even if you still want to maintain.
your independence, your autonomy and to prioritize a wonderful relationship with yourself. We hope that this was a nice deep dive into solo polyamory and that you learned something today. I'm glad that we finally did an episode on this. That was just about all things solo polyamory. We could call it like solo polyamory 101 or something. Because it kind of was, but...
If like me, this is something that you're interested in, we would love to hear about it. And our question of the week, which is going to be on our Instagram stories is, have you ever been stigmatized for being solo polyamorous? How have you dealt with those stigmas? Really interested to hear what y'all have to say about that. And the best place to share your thoughts with other listeners is in the episode discussion channel in our Discord server, or you can post in our private Facebook group.
You can get access to these groups and join our exclusive community on Supercast by going to multiemory.com slash join. In addition, you can share with us publicly on Instagram at Multiamory underscore podcast. Multiamory is created and produced by Jace Lindgren, Dedeker Winston, and me, Emily Matlack.
Our production assistants are Rachel Schenewerk and Carson Collins. Our theme song is Forms I Know I Did by Josh and Anand from the Fractal Cave EP. The full transcript is available on this episode's page on multiamory.com.