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Hey everyone, welcome back to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy podcast. We're so glad that you're here with us today. So we have been doing a mini-series on grief and grieving during the holidays. In the very first episode, we talked about just the stages of grief and some things to understand about grief in general. In the last episode, we talked about navigating the holidays while grieving and gave tips for coping and finding comfort during it.
And today we're going to be talking about supporting someone who's grieving during the holidays. And we're just going to talk about a few tips for offering comfort and understanding during this time. So if you haven't already listened to the first two episodes, definitely go back and listen to that. And we'll jump right into today's episode. So for people who are grieving, the holidays can be an especially painful time.
And friends and family can be a major support system to help those people through it. So if you know somebody who's grieving, this episode could be really helpful for you to know things that you can do that can be helpful, but also some things that maybe you might want to avoid. So the first tip is understanding the unique challenges of grieving during the holidays.
We want you to know that people who are grieving during the holidays, that it is a particularly poignant reminder to them of the loss that they've experienced.
And being sensitive and understanding that even though this time for you might be a joyful and exciting experience that for them oftentimes it brings about more difficult emotions and it causes them really to go through the stages of grief again and recognizing that even though you might be feeling excited they're not trying to be upset or they're not trying to detract from the holiday season but that they have this regular reminder hey the last time christmas came around my spouse was there.
Or the last time we were at Thanksgiving together, my kid was there and now they're not. And so remembering that this is a time where they are reminded they can still experience happiness and joy, but also being sensitive to the fact that they may be emotionally struggling during this time. And one thing we want to remember is that everybody grieves differently.
Maybe you're grieving as well. Maybe you lost a parent and your siblings are here and you're all struggling, but you're struggling in different ways. So being sensitive to that idea that people do grieve differently and that your needs may be different from their needs. And so maybe your need is I need everyone to come together and be together during this time as we're going through the loss and maybe someone else just really needs space and their time.
And so during this time, that's difficult because you guys are expressing different needs and you're going through grief in different ways. So you definitely want to be able to acknowledge that difficulty. And during this time, offering empathy and understanding of what they are going through, rather than avoiding the topic altogether. Maybe if you're not grieving, but you're supporting someone who is grieving, we have the desire to help, but often aren't sure how to support.
So a lot of times we'll avoid the topic or not want to bring up the person who's passed. But a lot of times it's helpful to acknowledge the loss and acknowledge, man, dad would have really loved to be here for this and really being able to offer that empathy and understanding. The next thing we want to talk about is what to say and how to offer comfort. So one thing we want to do is we want to avoid the pressure to be happy.
We want them to have space and opportunity to be happy, but not pressure to be happy. So this could be avoiding saying things like, I just want you to be happy or cheer up for the holidays. But instead, you want to say things like, I'm here for you, or it's okay to feel however you're feeling, or acknowledging their difficulty and saying something like, if you want to talk, I'm here, or if you need a break.
And I think those phrases, those are helpful because you're giving them permission, you're letting them know that you're there to be supportive, but you're also not trying to solve the problem for them. I think at the last episode, we were talking a little bit about some things people might say that are kind of unhelpful.
And these phrases are generally going to be accepted pretty well by people because you're not trying to solve the problem, but you're there to be supportive and you're letting them know you're there to be supportive of them. And I think sometimes it can be scary, but it's OK to bring out the name of the person who passed if it's appropriate, because we want to be able to acknowledge their loved one's life and the memories that we have with them or the memories that your friend had with them.
And there's a poem that, as we were doing the grief groups in the past, it talks about the elephant in the room. The person grieving felt like no one wanted to talk about the person that they lost because it really was this elephant in the room. But knowing that, a lot of times acknowledging the person that they've lost and talking about them can be really helpful.
And I think, too, with stuff like that, it would definitely be good to check on the person beforehand, before you're coming together during the holidays and seeing what they would like or enjoy in that type of circumstance. Hey, would you like us to take a time where we pray over you and we remember them? Or would you like us to avoid the subject altogether? We want to kind of leave it up to you what feels better for you.
Because they may appreciate that we're addressing the elephant in the room, or they may be like, hey, I just want to go and try to have a good time. I don't want to be thinking about this right now. Everybody's different. And so trying to find out, hey, what would work for you? And especially if it's a loss that all of the families experience when they're getting together, it might be we need to talk a little bit to each person and see what do we do?
Okay, well, some people don't want to acknowledge and some people do. And so then maybe we'll have a special time with the people who do want to acknowledge and want to set aside some time for remembrance. And then we'll do that separately from the people who don't want to acknowledge is about trying to understand what people's boundaries are and respecting it and trying our best to give everybody what they need. And that goes right into the next tip, which is respecting boundaries.
We want to accept no's graciously. And even though we want to make sure we're supportive, or even it might be hard for us not to have them there, you want to make sure that you don't make people feel like they're forced to go somewhere or to participate if they're not ready or if they're not feeling up to it. You want to definitely give them an in where you say like, hey, we would love to have you. We want to do everything we can to make it supportive and enjoyable for you to be here.
But we also understand if you can't. but you definitely don't want to guilt them about being there and saying things like well Christmas just won't be the same if you don't come because then they may come but then they're coming out of obligation for your feelings but then they're the ones who's really struggling with feelings and so you want to make sure that you say hey listen we love you we care about you we want you to be here but also we understand if you can't make it let us know
whatever we can do to support you and that would be a good way where you let them know that they're cared and that and that you really do want them but then also giving them an out if they can't come so that they don't feel emotionally obligated to come if they're not prepared for that. And so this other part is about giving them options.
Again, we don't know how they're grieving or what their needs are in that moment, but if you give them those options, it's easier for them to choose what best suits them and what best would help them out in their current emotional circumstance. And another thing you can do is to check in on them after. So you want to respect their boundaries, let them know they're welcome. Like you were saying, you're always welcome if you feel up to join us, but we understand if it's not the right time.
And then if they don't show up, just send a text later on or call them the next day and just say, hey, just want to check in on you and let you know that you're definitely a miss. But I just want to check in today and see if there's anything you need or let you know that we're thinking of you, which that goes right into the next tip of showing support in practical ways.
So we definitely want to let them know that we're thinking of them and that we love them, But also offer to help in practical ways. So when I think about it, it's kind of this good, better, best, right? Like it's good to let them know, hey, I'm thinking of you and I love you. And that's great. And I think there are times where that's enough. Just sending that here and there, letting them know that they're on your mind, you're praying for them.
You can also, you know, say, hey, if there's anything you need, let me know. You're letting them know that you are open and you want to support them. But to even kind of kick it up a notch in being supportive is just offering specific help in specific ways. Because sometimes when you're going through grief, there's a lot of people that are going to say, hey, let me know if you need anything. But what's even better is saying, hey, I would love to drop off a meal for you this week.
What day works best for you? or taking on specific tasks. Maybe it's wrapping gifts. Maybe they have gifts for people and you know that. But just saying, hey, is there a night where I can just come over and help wrap gifts for you? Or I would love to decorate if you are wanting that. So offering to help with specific holiday tasks is a great practical way. And you might get them saying a lot of times, no, that's okay. I don't need any of that or I got it all covered.
But that doesn't mean that that wasn't still helpful. It's still showing that you're thinking about them and that you care about them, and it helps them not to feel as isolated. Right. Going back and forth between the last tip about respecting their boundaries, but also offering help is kind of a fine line because there will be people that will say, no, that's OK.
It's OK. so there will be people that genuinely don't want the help and they want space and it is more stressful to have someone over but then there's also someone who maybe will graciously decline and say no that's okay i don't want to burden you and being able to kind of push back a little bit more and saying like no i would love to do this i'm totally okay if this isn't something you want but i would love to bring you a meal so
it is kind of a fine line to respecting their boundaries but also encouraging to accept help. Another thing you can do is just extend small acts of kindness. So leaving a small note on their doorstep. Or a comforting gift, or dropping off a meal, like we said, but just leaving it at the doorstep. Because sometimes, honestly, not wanting help could be not wanting to have to interact.
Because it may be helpful for them to have a meal, but maybe they don't have the energy for the social interaction of then feeling the need to entertain you because you came and you offered a meal and you dropped it off. You can leave it on the doorstep so you're still helping, but you're also offering them that space. Another thing to do is giving the gift of your presence. You don't always have to have monetary things or like flowers or gifts.
Maybe you're not in a place to take the meal, but simply spending time together. It could be taking a short walk together or just sitting in silence, just being there with them.
Maybe it's going over and folding laundry and like we said earlier letting them know like hey I'm here if you want to talk but I'm also just okay sitting in silence because sometimes the best support is that quiet companionship but I think a big thing is letting them know that they don't have to entertain you and they don't have to host you or be hospitable to you but that you really are there just to love on them and just to be with them.
And the final point that we want to make is that we want to give them space for remembering and for dreaming. And again, this can sometimes feel uncomfortable, I think, for people where they might be worried about bringing it up too much. But again, this is where it goes to having conversations with them, saying if they're interested in this or if they think that this would be helpful. But something that you can do is encouraging memorial traditions.
So asking them, would you like to do something special for them? We could light a candle or maybe make their favorite dish or visit a meaningful place in order to remember this loved one and to try to honor them in some way, shape, or form. Another thing that you could do to help give people space is you can offer a listening ear without trying to fix it.
And I know we kind of made this point a little bit earlier, but when somebody is grieving, there's not a set of magic words that you can say that will just make somebody feel better. It's more about your presence and being able to let them express what it is that they're feeling and letting them know that they're loved and supported.
Those are the things that help people work through their difficult feelings, not just telling them like, hey, it'll be okay, or just put a smile on your face, you'll be happy. Those types of statements oftentimes make the person feel worse and not helpful. Just them knowing like, I can sit here and I can grieve, and my grief is not going to make people uncomfortable, it's not going to make them run away, they're still going to be here and supportive of me through my grief.
Right, and as you give them space for grieving, recognize that grief can come and go. That emotions in general they shift quickly especially when you're grieving remember it's like those waves that we talked about where it can be totally calm and cool and then a wave hits them and so it's totally normal and okay for someone to feel okay one moment and overwhelm the next and so just making space and letting them know that that's okay.
So as we close out this mini-series on grief during the holidays and this episode on supporting someone who's grieving through the holidays, we just want to make sure that you remember that it's important to respect their boundaries, provide empathy, practical support, and just gentle companionship during the holidays. You can be patient and compassionate and just be present.
And remember that even small gestures of support can mean a lot as you walk alongside your loved ones and it can really help them feel less alone in their grief. So we hope that these episodes are helpful to you. Thank you so much for listening and remember, your mind is a powerful thing. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. We hope that you enjoyed today's episode and found it helpful. If so, would you take 30 seconds and share it with a friend?
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