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Hey everyone, welcome back to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy podcast. We're so glad that you're here with us today. Today we're going to be talking about the purpose of communication, and we'll explore the main reasons we communicate and discuss how purposeful communication can bring us closer to others. It can help us express ourselves and even reduce conflict. And I want to just start out sharing a story.
I had a client who was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, which is basically a lot of the same symptoms of schizophrenia, as well as the symptoms of mood disorders. And so there's definitely a lot of the psychotic symptoms that he was experiencing. But I really enjoyed my session with him. And this is the first time we had met. And as he was talking, he had a phenomenal vocabulary. And I was just really enjoying this session and talking to him.
And I mentioned to him that his vocabulary was superb. And then he started talking about how oftentimes people think he's making fun of them with the words that he's using, or people get annoyed with him and frustrated with him for his vocabulary. And a lot of times he'll try and dumb it down or speak in terms where it's easier for the other person to understand.
And I was just praising him for his use of it and telling him that I really appreciate hearing that and how I appreciate my own kid's vocabulary and how important that is to me. And just to hear him talk, how it was just so intriguing to me, and that I wish he didn't feel the need to dumb himself down so much for others. And he said something that was really interesting to me and very insightful. And it was very true as well.
As he talked, he was really robotic at times in how he said things and very literal in a lot of things. And so once I said that about not dumbing himself down, he just went into kind of this robotic spiel about, well, the purpose of communication is to be able to discuss both ways. And it's not for me to share my vocabulary, but it's for me to be able to communicate my ideas in a way where the other person can understand it.
And I thought that was so good and so insightful. because that's so true. And although I really appreciated the words he was choosing and the usage of them, but in other conversation. He understood that the point wasn't just to say whatever was on his mind, but to help other people understand what he was saying.
And so that's really what sparked this episode because I do think that's something that is often missed in communication, that it's not just a one-way thing where we are just spouting off what's on our mind and often missing the purpose of communication.
And I think this is important to understand, too, is that communication is a two-way street where it's not just making sure that you are clearly and effectively communicating your ideas, but you're also trying to understand what the other person is saying. And I think a lot of times people get too caught up in the minutiae of what someone's saying and then they miss the general point of what they're trying to make.
Right, so when we explore the big question of why do we communicate, the specific reasons we communicate, there are a lot of them. So broadly, we communicate to build connection, to share information, to express our needs and emotions, to resolve conflict, and to grow through learning. So as we understand and explore these purposes, it'll help us to be more intentional and mindful communicators. So the first purpose we're diving into is building connections.
Communication is the bridge that connects us to others. And when we focus on connection, we can create deeper, more meaningful relationships. So if you think about conversations with close friends, think about how you share stories, how you laugh together, how you empathize with each other's struggles. When we think about that, communication goes beyond just words. It's about feeling understood, feeling valued.
And so when you walk away from that conversation, you're not just thinking about the words that were said or the information that was given, you really are thinking and more so feeling that connection. And so the first purpose of communication that we're addressing today is that building connections. And in communication, building connections really requires us to listen actively, to respond with empathy, to show genuine concern and interest.
And I think it is easy when we think about friendships, close friendships that we have that just feels easy, that communication comes easy. And not to say that there's never conflicts or never things that are difficult, or we don't have trouble sharing certain things. But when we walk away from that communication, we really do feel more connected.
And we had a great experience this morning where at church we had a meeting where all the small group leaders were getting together and we were just kind of having a meeting where we troubleshoot issues or we're just kind of talking about what we're doing, what's working, what's not working. And there's this one time where I was trying to make a point, but I was being a little bit absurd. I was trying to be humorous and funny.
And I was talking about the importance of consistency when you're leading a group. And I made this joke that whether we're sick or whether our kids have lice, that we're always going to be meeting. Now, obviously, my goal in that was to communicate a point, but also to add a little bit of levity and some humor and some fun with it. And one of the other guys in the group who I don't know, he understood my point was to make an absurd statement and to be silly. and he jumped right in.
He said, yeah, we're just going to stick shower caps on the kids and we're going to keep going. Now, did anybody think my main point was really that if our kids have lice that we're still going to meet? No, nobody really thought that. And everybody was laughing and I was having a good time, but it kind of helped break the ice for everybody where it's like, okay, we can have fun, we can enjoy each other.
And so that was a part of my goal, but also reinforcing when people were laughing at the joke, it made me feel more connected to them. But also this guy being able to just jump right in and reinforce the levity of it helped me feel more connected to him as well, but then it reinforced that, hey, we're going to enjoy each other's company here at this time.
Sometimes people can get too caught up in the idea like, hey, that wasn't an accurate statement, or hey, we actually don't want to communicate that if your kids have lice that you should have group because then it's going to spread lice, right?
That's not the main point, but people can sometimes get way too caught up in that and miss what's the heart of what I'm actually trying to say and understand that this is a point of we're trying to be humorous and fun, but also convey like a main point that being consistent is really important when you're trying to get a good, healthy group dynamic going.
I can totally see that in relationships and in different marriages that we see that sometimes people get so caught up in the semantics of it and the word choice that they're like, no, you said this, but they miss the lightheartedness of that connection that could have happened. And actually, this is something I've been talking to my couples a lot about recently.
It's not necessarily something that you can have like a tool for or necessarily like a homework assignment you give to your clients but i talk to them a lot more about like you need to make sure you're having fun in your relationship it can't be always serious it can't be always about solving problems you do have to just enjoy each other's company.
And you're not taking the time to try and be lighthearted or enjoy each other's company, it makes the process of talking through difficult things all that more difficult. And so it's not that we should be joking or silly all the time, but there definitely are times where you need to be willing to be silly or have fun or take risks with humor with each other to try and get more of a beneficial connection.
And when you're able to do that, it makes talking about those difficult things much easier for you. And I think this is a concept too that's very important to know is that the closer you feel to somebody, the more you have enjoyed their company, the more likely you and the more likely they are to give you a pass if you say something that hurts their feelings, or you sloppily communicate something that could have unintentionally hurt their feelings.
They're more likely to give you that benefit of the doubt. But if it's serious all the time, then they're much more likely to take offense to the thing that you've said. And I totally agree with that, because one of my best friends, I love being able to sit and talk with her, but I also know that our connection over the years that we've been together is so great. And so when I do misspeak or when there is miscommunication.
We can give each other the benefit of doubt and we know each other's heart behind it. And we know that there really is no malicious intent. And so there's times where one of us misspeaks and we don't have to necessarily go back and have this conversation and correct it. But then there's also been many times where we have come back and we've communicated that, hey, you know, when you said this, this hurt my feelings.
Or more often than not, each of us will recognize it and we'll come back before the other person even says something and we'll make sure that it was clear. And I'll say, hey, you know, when I said this, I just wanted to check in and see how that came across because I can see that maybe that hurt your feelings and that wasn't my intention at all.
And I think in our relationship, I could see that that happens where we just kind of are constantly communicating and checking in so that we can keep our connection strong and we can keep our relationship just clear and free of anything that might divide us. So let's move on to the next purpose of communication. And the next purpose that we'll talk about is sharing information.
So this is a fundamental purpose of communication. I think that this is probably what a lot of people think of when they think of communication. They think of just getting that information across, getting their point across. And this really is fundamental, especially in professional or different collaborative settings where you do have to share information. So imagine team meetings where project updates are shared.
And so if you're trying to communicate a point, clarity and brevity are essential to that. And then when you look at like families and personal relationships, there also needs to be some information sharing, right? And clear communication about schedules and plans or preferences. And all of that helps avoid confusion and makes things run more smoothly.
And I think, too, when I'm communicating something, especially when I'm communicating to clients and I'm trying to explain a difficult concept or a more in-depth concept, a lot of times what will happen is if you don't give them permission to talk about maybe a misunderstanding or a point that you made that they didn't agree with a lot of times people will feel uncomfortable with that and so then they won't and so a lot of times at the end of a longer explanation of something i'll ask them
does that make sense because i want them to tell me if it didn't make sense because my goal is to communicate effectively so that they understand what i'm saying or if i communicate something and they have a disagreement i want them to be able to say, well, this is my problem with this, or this is why I might be having a hard time accepting something that you're saying. Because then that means like, okay, now I need to do some additional communication to help them understand.
But if they feel embarrassed that they didn't understand, or they don't feel like they have a runway where they can address that or try to ask clarifying questions of you, they may not. They may just bob their head up and down and show agreeance, but they don't really understand. And that's actually something I ran into a lot when I worked with a lot of kids is they will do all the correct things that show you that they understand.
But then if you ask them to explain it to you, what you just communicated, a lot of times then you'll get the deer in the headlights where it's, they really weren't listening or they really didn't understand, but then they weren't going to tell you that. And so then at the end of the day, you're then missing the major point of what you're trying to do is you're trying to help them to understand what it is that you're saying.
And I think too, this is something that comes up a lot in relationships. So Ruth, if me and you are having a difficult time, I think we both will do this to each other. We're talking about, we're We're sharing your perspective or something that hurts or frustrated us. And then at the end, we'll say, is that fair? We're trying to give the other person an opportunity to then say, well, I don't think what you're saying is fair because of this.
Or then to accept and say, yeah, what you're saying is fair. Yeah, and I think that's true. And that goes right into the next purpose, which is expressing needs and emotions. So purpose two is sharing information, and we can share the information that is needed. But another huge part of communication is expressing our needs and emotions. And this can be challenging because it does require a level of vulnerability.
But when we openly express how we feel or what we need, we're giving others the chance to understand us better. And so what you just said matches up perfectly with that because not only are we sharing information, but we're also seeing if there's any emotions or needs that come along with it or maybe something you shared. Do I have a response or some kind of a reaction that needs to be discussed and shared? And then just even talking about that gives us a chance to understand each other better.
And so another example of this is being able to share and communicate something like I feel overwhelmed and could use some support from you. And that's a way of asking for help that deepens the relationship because it's sharing how you're feeling, but it's also expressing what you need from your partner. And I think that too is something people struggle with a lot.
They'll say a concept like I feel overwhelmed, but then they don't have an ask at the end of it where it's like, okay, this would help me feel overwhelmed. If you could do A, B, and C, that would be so helpful to me. But then they just say a generalized statement, but then that's not super helpful to the other person. It's like, okay, you're feeling overwhelmed. What can I do? Now, sometimes there's not something that your partner can do to help you with that overwhelm.
But if there is something that you can identify and clearly label out, then that makes it more likely you're going to get what you need to help you out with the emotional struggle that you're going through. Okay. So now we are on purpose number four, and this is a big one. Purpose number four is resolving conflict. Communication really is our primary tool for being able to work through misunderstandings or disagreements. I think this goes right alongside purpose number one, which was connection.
Because when conflict arises, focusing on the purpose of finding a solution rather than simply being right can change the tone of the conversation. So when we combine both of those, resolving a conflict and finding connection, it really is helpful to remembering what the purpose is. And I know we've said this in a previous podcast, but people generally look at conflict as a scary or bad thing. But there's two potential outcomes to conflict.
It's either it goes poorly and it separates us more, or we handle it well and it can develop more of a trust between each other because, hey, we're able to face up to this difficult thing.
We're able to find a solution and so then that gives me more confidence the next time we might have a disagreement about something that we can sit down and we can rationally talk this through or we can be able to get on the same page then afterwards and so whenever a conflict is coming up it's important I think to sit down and think like okay there's two roads there's two paths I can take here I can take the path where I'm going to make us separate more by the way I engage in this or I'm going
to take a path that's going to help us connect more because we're going to resolve this in a healthy way. Oh, for sure. And I can see that in that relationship I have with the best friend that I was talking about earlier, because I've seen how we handle conflict together. And because I trust the process and I trust her, anytime we run into something and we're able to talk about it and go through it together, it does deepen our friendship and it deepens my ability to rely on her.
And so we could really go into a whole nother episode. And we have in the past about what are some communication tools to help with conflict resolution, right? Like using I statements, asking clarifying questions, practicing empathy. Those are all things that can go a long way in turning a heated discussion into a productive one. But communication overall that's focused on conflict resolution is about listening and compromising and understanding each other's perspective.
And the final purpose that we'll talk about today is that one of the purposes of communication is a tool for growth and learning. Conversations give us a window into new perspectives, new ideas, new cultures. And whether we're talking to a mentor, a friend, or someone with different life experiences, communication can really help us broaden our perspective. I think we talked a little bit about this when we were discussing the election last week.
But this idea of making sure that when you're talking to somebody, even if you might disagree, you come in with a curious approach where instead of them making a statement and then you making a statement back, you then ask a question to get a little bit of clarification from them. And it helps you to see why do they think the way that they think and why do they have the perspective that they have. And just in doing so, that also helps that conversation to generally be less confrontational.
And it doesn't mean that you then can't share a differing perspective, but it does mean that when you're addressing that, if your idea is, I want to grow and learn and I want to hear what they're saying, even if it doesn't change what you believe or what you think, it's I want to know what's going on in their mind and how they came to these differing conclusions from me. And I had a text this morning that really goes right along with this purpose.
And there's three of us in this group thread. We're kind of brainstorming ideas for an issue that one of them was talking about. And at the conclusion of our conversation, she just texted that it's so crazy how different people, and in this case, it was the three of us, see situations so differently. And how sometimes we can be so black and white or we can be overly emotional. But even talking it out with the three of us really helped us all to see different perspectives.
And so approaching communication with curiosity and openness is such a great way to foster that personal development because I know that their perspective is so different in how they approach certain things. And I know that I have blind spots in the way that I see certain situations. And so just having conversations where you're coming into it, wanting to know and grow and hear other people's perspective is such a great way to approach communication.
So as we close today's episode about communication, just remember that it really isn't just about getting your point across and that being it, but that there are a lot of different purposes behind each interaction, behind communication in general, whether it's looking to connect, to inform, to express, resolve, or grow. Recognizing what our purpose in each interaction and in each communication opportunity that we have can strengthen our relationship.
So just this week, as you go along and you're having different conversations, just take a moment to think about what your goal is in this conversation. And not just your goal, but also what's their goal. Absolutely. And knowing that can really help bring a lot of clarity and meaning to your interactions. All right, you guys, thank you so much for joining us today. And if you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who might enjoy learning about the purpose of communication.
And we will see you in the next episode. Have a great day. And remember, your mind is a powerful thing. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. We hope that you enjoyed today's episode and found it helpful. If so, would you take 30 seconds and share it with a friend? Also, we'd love for you to leave us a review on Apple Podcast. It lights us up to know that this podcast is helping you. If you have any questions or a topic you'd like discussed in future episodes,
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