Music. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy, the podcast that empowers you to transform life's challenges into opportunities for personal growth and healthier relationships. We're your hosts, Tim and Ruth Olson, licensed marriage and family therapists and trauma experts. As experienced therapists with backgrounds in addressing trauma and mental health disorders, we believe there is hope and there certainly is healing.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. We are so glad that you're here with us today. So in the last episode, it was released on election day, and we talked about how to stay calm and manage that election anxiety as a whole. And we talked about the system and how it's set up. And in today's episode, we're going to take it to a more personal level and not necessarily how the system is set up, but how you can stay calm and manage anxiety now through the outcome of it.
And I want to make sure that you know that we are recording this episode, and I'll say it again, probably throughout the episode, but we are recording this episode before election is even taking place.
So it's a couple of days before election day. but we wanted to make sure that we recorded this and got this out and this will be released Thursday after election day and we really want to do this episode to leave you with a sense of hope and empowerment that your personal agency your adaptability your involvement and your focus on what you can control will help you to manage your anxiety and another big piece of this that we'll talk about today is how to really stay connected with people,
whether or not you agree with them. So we're going to continue on where we left off in the last episode, and we'll just jump right into today's episode. So this is now shifting us into the individual aspect of it.
If you are feeling a lot of anxiety surrounding this election, if you've already cast your ballot in early voting, or if you're going out to the polls to vote today, realize that, okay, once you've done your part, right, you can just shut down the media and stop listening and stop paying attention because you've already done what you can do, and then just wait for the results to come in later.
But sitting there and watching the polls tick or watching all the counters go, if you're feeling anxious about this already, that's only going to ramp up your anxiety even more. And so finding something else to engage your time into, as opposed to just sitting there and watching all the results come in on election day, it's going to be a lot better for your mental health if you're able to just disconnect from that. Because at this point, there's not much more that you can do.
And now it's just waiting for what the outcome is going to be. Which kind of goes into the next point, focusing on what you can control. So we're recording this before election day. So we don't know what the outcome is. And it's really important to, like I just said, to take action where you can to vote, to volunteer for things that you're passionate about, to support community efforts and at a grassroots level, do what you can.
But also remember that you're going to continue to be a part of this community. So I think we need to be vocal in what we believe and what we stand for and what you're choosing to stand behind. And you need to feel confident in that. But you also have to remember that these people around you are still going to be your neighbors.
So we still need to be respectful in what we're doing and focusing on what we can control so that we don't get overwhelmed with the many, many, many things that are out of our control. And I think that's a good point, too, because we want to control the outcome of this election. But ultimately, we are one vote out of hundreds of millions of people who live in America or out of the 80 to 100 million votes it looks like are going to be coming in this election.
And that's the little piece that you play, but ultimately that's a very minute amount of control. I wouldn't even categorize it as control, I'd categorize it as influence, but it's still a minute amount of influence. They want to be in control of the outcome, but the more you try to control that outcome that you really have no control over, the more chaotic and out of control you're going to feel.
And so accepting the fact that I just have this one vote that I can put in, and that's about all the influence that I have out of 80 to 100 million people who are going to be voting in this election cycle, it helps to put into perspective, okay, I've done what I can do, and that's all that I can do.
And whatever's going to happen, I need to then set up my life or I need to do things to try and get good outcomes for myself and not worry so much about what the end outcome is going to be of politics. And that goes on to the next one, which is to practice mindfulness and grounding techniques in the here and now. And that might feel out of place to you. Like we're talking about politics. Why are you talking about mindfulness?
Well, because it's really important for you to remember to come back to the present moment and focus on what's happening in your immediate environment rather than getting so lost in the what if scenarios. And we're talking about like where this is causing you anxiety, where you're just watching, maybe your kids are asking you to read them a book and that's your present immediate situation. You know, you have life to take care of, you still have to work and all of that.
You can focus on what is important in the here and now because like Tim said, you voted, you did what you could.
But when you're beginning to feel anxious and worried about all the different scenarios that could happen all the what-ifs then refocus yourself on the present moment and the here and now that okay right now maybe it's the middle of the day when you're listening to this right now we don't know what the outcome is going to be so if you need to practice you know deep breathing or go and exercise go for a run take a walk to help manage your stress and stay in the
present moment because that's where a lot of anxiety comes from, thinking about the future and what's going to happen. A very limited amount of that is in our control. And so take control of what you can and let go of the rest and be present for the moments that you're in right now. The next one is engage in productive conversations. Now, this is if you can engage in productive conversations or not.
And one of the things that I think is important is if you get really flared up when you're talking to people about it, maybe you don't want to talk that much about it. Not because I want you to stifle your voice, but again, we're working on the idea of how do we manage our fears or worries about it. And if you engage with people and it tends to get you really flared up. Then it's probably not a great idea.
But for example, when I talk to people about it and I notice I'm talking about something that I disagree with somebody about, I tend to take a little bit more of a neutral stance. Not that I don't share my thought or opinion on it, but I know I'm not in this conversation trying to convince this person to believe what I believe.
I'll normally actually ask more questions that kind of help bring out the idea of my perspective more rather than saying, well, I think that's wrong and I think this is right because I know that that's not really a productive conversation when you do it.
It creates more anxiety and tension versus if they make a statement about something and I ask a question that kind of challenges that belief, it helps it to be a much more productive conversation than if I'm just then sharing my opposing view to them. And it also helps me not to feel like I'm in an argument with them, but I'm really just helping them to explore their thoughts, but then also slightly sharing some of my views by the questions that I ask.
And I really like that. And we want to make it clear, we are not trying to quiet you. I think it's really important to stand up for what you believe in. But there's a difference between engaging in a conversation where both people are trying to just convince the other person. But when you're talking about it, Tim, you're asking questions. And those are some of the most fruitful conversations that I've had with people when I am truly trying to understand their point of view.
I'm not only trying to convince them of where I'm at and why I believe what I believe, but I want to understand it. And this is the same in different areas of our lives where we've had really good conversations, even in areas of theology with people where maybe we disagree with some points of their theology. So we sit and we have conversations where we are asking questions because I really can't wrap my head around certain things.
And so I wanna understand and know more and truly know like, can you tell me how this works or how you see this or why you believe this? Because some of these people that we're having conversations with, we disagree on several things, but I still value them. And I truly do want to understand their thoughts on it. And so that's a great point, Tim. There's a difference between going into a conversation to have an argument.
Just take a stand and make sure they know how wrong they are versus going into a conversation for it truly to be a conversation where both people are able to share their points.
And going back to this idea, even if they don't vote the way that you would like them to you can't convince them or you do even convince them you're only convincing one out of again 80 to 100 million votes that are going to be cast it's relatively small stakes that discussion that you're having but people will treat those discussions as though the election hinges on it but realistically it's very small beans and so a part of this is
having that healthy perspective of this discussion although it matters It's not that important in the grand scheme of things to make sure I win this discussion or that I convince them because, again, it might be one or two votes you're convincing out of 80 to 100 million. Right. So just to clarify, does it matter? It absolutely does matter. Keep having these conversations, but don't allow it to weigh so heavy on you that we're having this unhealthy anxiety about it.
The next thing, and this is important because I've seen a trend of people moving away from this, but staying connected to your support network. And I think politics can get extremely heated with people. And I've seen videos, some of which break my heart, where somebody finds out that their family member is voting for the other side. And then they're like, I just lost that family member and I can't talk to them or associate with them anymore.
And those are people who can help you through the tough times, even though you might disagree about politics. And again, recognizing politics is important, but should you be breaking off relationships with people that are important or matter to you because they have a disagreement about who they want to vote for? Absolutely not, because you're going to need those people later on.
Your support network is super important towards helping you to feel a sense of community, but then they're also helpful for emotional management. And so if everything's going well between you and then all of a sudden you have political disagreement and that causes you to end your relationship with them, it's wildly unhealthy for you and it's going to end up being even more isolating.
And so then what's going to happen is the end outcome of the election is going to feel even more consequential to you because now all of a sudden I'm not connected with all these people I used to be connected with because maybe we had some disagreement or maybe we didn't even argue or have disagreement but I just found out you voted for somebody else and then that caused me to be incensed and then I don't want to be around you anymore.
And I saw this a lot during COVID where COVID was well it was COVID but it It was also a very politically divisive thing that COVID turned into. And so even in our office, and I don't know if you experienced this, Tim, but I know that for me, with a lot of clients, I saw exactly what you said happen, where after the initial wave of COVID happened, and everyone was trying to figure out what was going on, and then it began to be more of a political divisive thing.
I saw several clients come in and just like you said, they lost family members. They lost connection with friends that they've been together for years and families were torn apart because of the divisiveness of the political part of it. And that was really sad to see. And that was really hard because like you're saying, that's exactly when we needed to support each other.
That's exactly when people were already isolated. people needed that support from communities and family but instead i saw several people come into my office and just talk about relationships that had ended because either their views or the other person's and it was so divisive and actually it's very funny i had a client who i just know absolutely loves me to death but during that time basically was saying that people who believed
what i believed were evil and they never knew what i thought about it and i never said anything because that's not my place as a therapist. But I just knew, right, this is going back to that idea as like that idea of grouping people and just being able to look at that group as evil. But I was like, oh, I know for sure this client loves me to death. And honestly, I didn't take offense when they said that because I knew that
they really don't think that way about me. But when you start thinking about people as groups, it's easy to then other them and then to then separate yourself from them. But remember, your support systems are very, very important and valuable to your mental health. And if you're going to allow politics to allow you to cut them off, you're going to be hurting yourself in the process.
And then the last point that we're going to be making on this is that your personal resilience is an important thing. And one of the things, going back to what you're saying about COVID is I think coming out of COVID, it was a very hard time. It was not easy. No matter what political spectrum you're on, it was just difficult on everybody. And I remember one day early on in COVID when nobody really knew what was going on and it was kind of a scary thing.
I remember one day I was just laying on the ground and I had all of the kids kind of huddled around me and I was worried about the world and what was going to end up happening. And I just remember the kids were all kind of laying on me and I was just kind of hugging on them. And I remember just feeling the sense of relief. The things that mattered were right there with me. The people I cared about were right there with me.
And it helped to give me a sense of strength. And I think a lot of people really struggled coming out of that and maybe still haven't even fully come out of the trauma that was COVID and everything that happened surrounding that.
But that your resilience and your ability to pick yourself back up and keep trudging along with moving towards on your goals and just living your life and trying to make your own life better is an extremely important factor towards helping you to be able to move on if your side of the aisle doesn't get elected this year. And for you to be able to say, okay, you know what? Again, what I do with my life is going to be far more impactful to my life compared to what's happening in politics.
Again, politics do matter. I'm not saying they don't, and it definitely does affect your life. But the vast majority of what's happening in your life, whether it's going a good direction or bad direction, is normally at the mercy of a lot of your own actions and what you're choosing to do and how you're choosing to try to keep moving forward.
But if you put all of your stake in politics, you're removing all of the control that you do have in your regular everyday life and you're giving it over to somebody else.
And then that's when you're much more likely to end up in a much unhealthier and unhappy place if you're leaving all of the end outcomes of your life up to other people, as opposed to taking charge and control over what you do have charge and control over and trying your best to make the life that you want to, even if the circumstances are not in your favor. All right, guys, we hope that this episode has been helpful to you.
I know that this can be a very anxiety-provoking time for many people, but just remember that even though politics is important in the grand scheme of things, it's much more important for you on a daily basis to focus more on managing your own emotions and managing your own circumstances towards getting the life outcomes that you want in the end. All right, guys, thank you so much for listening. And remember, your mind is a powerful thing.
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