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Now, if you can't tell, I'm a little bit under the weather, so you get a little bit more of a deep, sultry voice from Tim here. Now, what we're going to be discussing today is the idea that our brain has a tendency to keep records of wrong, even if you're not attempting to.
And if you don't do something to try to correct out that ledger that your brain is keeping about the wrongs done to you, it's going to cause you to become frustrated, angry, and then eventually embittered against somebody else. Now, this episode came up from an experience that I had when I was playing racquetball. Now, if you don't know a ton about racquetball, while you're playing, if your opponent gets in the way of your shot, you can call a hinder.
And what that means is that I was going to take the shot, but I couldn't take it because I was going to hit you. And so it's a nice thing to do where you're not hitting somebody with a ball. And if you've never been in a racquetball court, if somebody really swings and hits it hard, it can really hurt when that ball hits you. Oh, and I've seen that firsthand because Tim will come home from racquetball and just have bruises on him in the shape of the ball.
And the majority of the time when that happens, it's somebody doesn't see you there or they hit the ball wrong and it just kind of hits you. But when you're playing just for fun and you're playing in a tournament, there's kind of two groups of people. Some people want to play, take the shot that's clear to you. So if you're in the way of one shot, well, then you can take this other shot. Or if somebody is kind of right in front of you, you can just kind of hit it up over their head.
For me, when I was playing at a different club, that was kind of what we played. And we're not playing any kind of tournament. This is just pickup bracket ball where people on pickup days, people just meet up with each other and play. Now, other people like to, even when they're playing just kind of pickup games, they kind of like a little bit more of tournament rules, which is if I'm shooting, you got to give me a straight shot and you got to give me a cross court shot.
And so for me, when I play, I very rarely call a hinder because there's almost always some other shot that I can take where I'm not completely blocked out. And with the other guys I used to play with they all used to do that too and so sometimes people would get a little bit annoyed with each other if somebody was hindering them or something like that. Recently, I started playing at a new club because we moved cross country.
And so I started to run into more people who are playing more of the kind of tournament rules on it. And I noticed some of the guys were getting pretty frustrated that sometimes I was in the way of their shots. And I remember kind of stopping and thinking like, okay, well, what's going on? Like, this wasn't a problem for me before. Now, all of a sudden, I'm always in the way. Now, all of a sudden, I'm getting all these hinders called on me.
Am I out of position all the time and not really realizing it? I started making this concerted effort to make sure I was out of the way and making sure I wasn't in any of their shots. And then I started watching and I'm like, okay, they would have called a hinder on me there. I didn't call this hinder. And I started realizing they're probably in my way as much as I'm in their way.
But because of how I'm used to playing where if there's any way I can get that ball around them, I'll take that shot. And so what I realized was happening was that me being generous with not calling hinders and just finding some other way to shoot around them was actually causing there to be a disparity in their mind about how often they're calling hinders against me versus how often I'm calling hinders against them.
And so because they felt like they're calling so many more hinders against me than I was calling against them, that it was uneven and that unevenness caused them to get very frustrated. A couple times there was guys yelling at me or cursing at me because of how many hinders were getting called. And I remember when I came to this realization, I was like, oh, I don't really like calling hinders. I like to just play that ready ball. If I got a shot, I'm going to try to take that shot.
But then I realized this is kind of inhibiting my experience and their experience in the court when I'm not doing that. And then I realized, like, I think I need to start calling these hinders. Otherwise, it's going to negatively affect my relationship with these people. And I had it even on occasion tried to explain, hey, I'm not trying to get in your shot. I'm trying to move out of the way and try to be as gentle as I can.
But I think what's happening is there was just such a disparity in their mind between how many times they thought I was getting in their way versus how many times they thought they were getting in my way that it wasn't something that I could just talk through or kind of explain to them. And so I remember in particular, this one guy that I was playing with, he got really agitated one day and he started kind of cursing at me about it.
And I was like, okay, you know what? I'm just going to start calling all these hinders. And so then when he was in my way, I just started calling. I stopped shooting around him and I was like, okay, that's my rightful shot. I should be able to take. He's in the way I'm calling it. And so I just started calling it and I could see it in his face where the shift happened. It was almost like a light bulb had gone on. Now, he didn't talk to me.
He didn't admit to this or anything, but I could just see he was starting to get the point. He's like, oh, I'm in his way as much as he's in mine. And so what that did was it removed from him the feeling of justification of getting very upset with me when he realized actually the ledgers are pretty clear.
And I think there's one game when he was cursing at me, there was four hinders pretty quick in a row, but then the next game when I decide, all right, I'm calling hinders on him, I think he called six or seven on him in a game. And that's quite a number of hinders. And then after that, he settled down. There's no more yelling. There's no more cursing, that kind of a thing. Now, one of the things I want to say about this is that I wasn't trying to do it punitively.
I wasn't trying to be like in your face, that kind of thing. I will say I did get a little bit of joy when I noticed that he was getting the picture that it's like, OK, I'm not blameless in this situation or I'm not always out of the way. But my main goal or my main point was try to preserve the relationship and kind of keep peace in the court. I don't like getting yelled at or getting cursed at or anything like that.
I want to go there and I go there because I want to have fun and I want to enjoy myself. But one of the things that's very important from this story to understand is that you have to do something to even out your ledger. And so for me, if I also wouldn't have changed the way that I played, I would have just got more and more frustrated at him for getting mad at me because I'm like, he's in the way, I'm just not calling it.
And so my shift of actions helped even out my ledger, but also helped to even out his ledger. And so when you're interacting with somebody and then they do something that wrongs you, you either have to talk to them about that thing. Otherwise, you're going to start having this disparity in the ledger, or you have to make an active decision that I'm going to choose to forgive them for this wrong.
And what that is, that's still evening out that ledger. But if that ledger has this big disparity where you owe somebody a lot or somebody owes you a lot because of mistakes that they have made, what that's going to cause is a negative emotional reaction and behaviors from you or from that other person. And so one thing I definitely don't want you to take away from this is about
the idea of getting even. It's not about trying to get even, but it's about trying to make sure that the ledger is clear one way or the other so that it doesn't cause some major conflict down the line. I'm glad you make that clarification that it's not about getting back or getting even, but it is important to know what game you're playing because you were playing more of the pickup challenge court way and they were playing more of tournament style.
And neither is wrong, but I think that this conflict could have been avoided if you were both playing the same type of game. Oh, no, for sure. I think that's 100% true. And when you come to a new place, you don't sit down and talk about the rules. But when the rules do come up, then people do let you know. So they have a rule. There's a little tin on the back wall. If the ball hits that tin and kind of goes squirrely, that's an automatic do-over, right?
And that was something that my old club the racquetball court didn't have and so it wasn't ever a problem so it wasn't really a rule and so a part of the problem just like you're saying is that there were some unspoken rules that were a part of at least some of the guys because not all the guys play that way as a matter of fact i was played with somebody else after this other guy was kind of yelling and cursing at me about it and he mentioned like oh yeah you guys are calling
hinders like these two guys call hinders and so he was pointing out the fact that even from person to person at the club, there's not a universal rule that everybody follows. Not everybody's playing more tournament style and not everybody's playing more pickup game style. And I know that you made this point earlier, but I think it is important to point out. That even though maybe in your mind you're like, okay, I'm just going to forgive him and move on, it would have kept happening.
And so when you look at your relationships or you look at the people around you, you don't want to have that mentality of retaliation. But if you continue to forgive without ever voicing or changing your plan, it's going to continue to happen. And so that was insightful for you to kind of take a minute and stop and recognize what was happening.
And like you said you weren't being vindictive by then trying to call all these shots but you were just changing it up and following the rules that he was playing which really did help to level that playing field and so this isn't to say in relationships or in conflict if someone is being demeaning and yelling you want to match that and follow those rules that they're playing that's not at all what we're saying.
But it is to point out that at some point, you do need to change your game plan because you were kind of being taken advantage of, not purposely by them, but your good graces to do the extra work to work around them and take extra shots. It wasn't being noted. Wasn't being given credit for, for sure. And so in relationships, that can cause resentment.
If you feel like this is happening, it's not that we want you to point out all the things they're doing wrong, but you do have to figure out a different game plan so that you don't feel taken advantage of because feeling that way could then lead to resentment, which can spiral into the downfall of the relationship. And so I think sometimes we think, oh, we're being kind and generous by not saying anything and wiping over these wrongs.
But that isn't always the most loving thing to do because by setting boundaries, then you're preserving the relationship in the long run. And also, by the way, I do want to point out, too, I didn't tell this guy like, hey, now I'm going to start calling all these hinders on you. I just changed how it was playing. And I just started doing that because the goal wasn't to try to put him in his place or the goal wasn't to try to convince him like, hey, you're being unfair to me.
The goal was just to try to get the relationship with him back to a more neutral place where there wasn't this disparity. That was my main goal. And again, I said it before, did it feel a little bit sweet when I could see in his eyes he recognized that he was in my way a lot more than he thought? For sure. Now, that was a side fringe benefit, not the main goal of the activity.
Oh, for sure. And it's not always a verbal thing that we have to sit down and have a discussion and talk to them about it. I always think of relationships like peers, that if you have a bunch of gears that are interconnected as a family or in a relationship, if one person turns their gear, it's going to affect and change the behaviors of the other. And so you don't have to necessarily verbally tell them what you're doing, but you can begin to change your course of action.
And by doing that, you're going to change the dynamics in the relationships as well. And so one thing also to note, too, and this is an interesting thing that's come up in several of my sessions this week, is the idea that some people respond really well to when people are just nice and kind and gentle with them.
But then other people, and this is more of a minority, this isn't the majority of people, but other people can almost see that nice, kind, and gentleness as weakness, and then they can kind of bowl over that. And so when you stand up for yourself, just like you were saying, it's not necessarily you have to do a sit down conversation to stand up for yourself, but you can do a behavioral thing to stand up for yourself. Sometimes that's really the only way to get through to people, right?
I could have sat down and tried to talk to him and say, hey, listen, like, I don't know if you know, but I don't call 90% of the hinders that I could because I just choose to shoot around you. And so like, you need to take a chill pill, man, and not get so mad about it. Or I could just show him, hey, I have a lot more hinders that I could be calling, and I do start calling them, and then we see how that affects the game.
And so especially if you're generally a kind-hearted person, it can feel surprising to understand that some people don't respond well to kindness, and that your kindness doesn't always engender goodwill from other people. Now, it's not saying with those people who don't respond well to kindness, it's not saying that you should be mean or aggressive with them, but what it does mean is that you need to be much more clear and firm about things.
And then you have a tendency to get a better response. But if you're a kind person and you're dealing with somebody more on that line, you're more likely to end up getting taken advantage of or overextending yourself, trying to use all this kindness to win them over, not knowing that that kindness really has very little, maybe even no effect on that other person.
So with this episode, something that is important to note is that remember that we keep a ledger in our mind, whether we're intending to or not intending to, and it keeps a record of those wrongs. And if you don't do something to clear out that ledger, whether you do a behavior that helps to even that ledger out, or you choose to actively forgive that person, something has to be done to correct that. And if you're a Christian listening to our podcast, you know the verse,
it's a kind of Christian mandate. We're not supposed to keep records of wrongs. So you do have to do something in order to make that happen. It's not just saying like, well, I'm not going to remember that or I'm just going to forget and let go of that. It's like you might have to actively take action to try to work to forgive that person. So that every time you do think about the event that you were hurt or frustrated
by, you say, but no, I'm going to let that go. I'm going to choose to forgive them. Or you do some type of behavior. Again, not in a way where you're trying to get revenge, but just recognizing, I have to shift the dynamics of this relationship. Otherwise, there is going to be this disparity, and I am going to get bitter and resentful about it. All right, guys, we hope that my little racquetball story helps you to have a better understanding of how people's minds automatically keeps that ledger.
And we hope that you guys do a good job of zeroing out that ledger. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. And remember, your mind is a powerful thing. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. We hope that you enjoyed today's episode and found it helpful. If so, would you take 30 seconds and share it with a friend? Also, we'd love for you to leave us a review on Apple Podcast. It lights us up to know that this podcast is helping you.
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