Music. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy, the podcast that empowers you to transform life's challenges into opportunities for personal growth and healthier relationships. We're your hosts, Tim and Ruth Olson, licensed marriage and family therapists and trauma experts. As experienced therapists with backgrounds in addressing trauma and mental health disorders, we believe there is hope and there certainly is healing.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy podcast. We're so glad that you're here with us today. We've been in a series where we're addressing criticisms about EMDR. And so today's criticism that we're addressing is a thought that with EMDR, there's an overemphasis on trauma memory processing. So we will discuss all of that today, but if you haven't already, we would love for you to take a minute and leave a written review on Apple Podcasts.
It really does help to get our message out to those who need to hear it. All right, let's jump into today's episode. So the criticism that we're talking about is this overemphasis on trauma memory processing. And the reason that that seems to be a concern is that critics say then we're ignoring broader issues, that EMDR focuses so heavily on processing traumatic memories, and some argue that trauma symptoms often stem from a broader range of psychological and social factors.
So the critics are arguing that EMDR can overlook important therapeutic elements like relationship building, skill development, and addressing underlying emotional regulation issues. And so if you're new here, EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. And the core concept is that traumatic memories get stuck and don't process properly. So it leads to continued emotional disturbance.
And what EMDR does is it facilitates the processing and resolution of these memories so that they no longer are stuck in it. So one of the counterpoints to this criticism is really looking at trauma processing being the gateway to addressing broader issues.
And as EMDR therapists, we really do come from a trauma-informed perspective, that trauma is often the root cause of a lot of different mental health issues that people are facing, like depression, anxiety, PTSD, and even relationship difficulties. That although people kind of view that as maybe lack of skills or lack of tools, that really even relationship difficulties can and often do stem from trauma. And so EMDR doesn't ignore these broader psychological issues or even the social issues.
It focuses on unblocking that traumatic memory that perpetuates or continues these problems in your life. A great example of how these negative memories or experiences can be affecting your relationship interactions today are, let's say, you with your parents could never really fully express your emotions, and then they would belittle you or they would shut them down. And then when you grow up and you get married, and then you have an emotional response to something.
And then all of a sudden you feel this giant barrier where it's like, I just can't tell my spouse how I feel, even though in the past they've done nothing but be accepting of what you have to say. And they've allowed you to express your feelings. What's happening is your brain has been programmed. Sharing and expressing my emotions is not reasonable. It's not fair.
It's not safe. And so then you don't. And so that's definitely something you can work to overcome kind of through the sheer force of will, but then it's much easier to just kind of reprogram your your brain so it doesn't associate that bad experience you had with your parents with everybody. Because your brain is trying to find other situations that it can protect you from.
And so then it differentiates or diffuses that negative experience with your parents to everybody else or most everybody else. And so addressing those traumatic memories and processing through that can help you with emotional regulation. And they actually give you a deeper understanding of why you feel the way you feel or why you're struggling with what which is struggling.
It's actually so interesting because so many times I'm working with my clients and we're working on an issue that they have and we're processing through, processing through, and then finally we kind of end up getting to the crux of what caused the trauma or the crux of what's causing this issue. And when we get there, both me and the client are flabbergasted being like, oh my gosh, is that really where this started? Is that really the core issue that caused this to happen?
And neither of us could have guessed when we started off on the journey where it would have ended up taking us. Now, it makes sense once it's revealed, but a lot of times it's like, man, there's no way I would have figured out that that's what was really causing it, because. Then through the processing, you gain so much insight into what's really behind the emotional motivators.
And then once those are revealed to you, not only because of the EMDR process reducing the negative emotional content that's associated with it, but because now also what's really going on is revealed to you, it gives you much more control and a much better ability to manage what's happening because now you really understand the process that your brain is going through, that it makes it much easier to effectively counteract that.
Oh, I totally agree. I agree. I think that's one of the things that are so interesting about EMDR is the path that it takes and not being able to guess where it's going to go. And also watching the client have these insights and connections and memories that they haven't really thought about in years, but being able to see how it's all really tied together.
And so I think one of the other things too about this idea of this criticism is that it's somebody who hasn't watched EMDR be done or somebody who hasn't had EMDR done on themselves because you see people getting these deeper relational understandings. And I even tell my clients, I'm like, hey, one of the really cool things once you've done enough EMDR is that it gives you insight into other people's behavior.
And so as you gain more and more insight into your own behaviors, it's easier for you to see, oh, that person's acting that way because of their own wounding. It's not because of something I did. They're actually struggling emotionally and lashing out and making it about me, but it's not really about me.
And so to that degree, it makes you actually much more resilient to negative social interactions with other people, because then you're much less likely to take it personally, because then you have much more insight into what's the issue that's happening with the other person. Oh, definitely. Being able to separate out what is their stuff and what is your stuff. And it is one of those things. And I think you have a quote where you talk about things not really changing, right?
Like you can do EMDR, nothing changes around you. You go back into that same situation and things are totally different because of the way that you're responding, because of the way it's not affecting you like it used to. Oh yeah. The quote I have is nothing changes, but everything changes.
Yeah. You can definitely see that happening when the client comes back and they are so excited and and proud of themselves for responding in a certain way, even though the other side or the other party still didn't change anything, and the situation really was the same. But it's so encouraging to be able to see the client's growth in that through the processing that was done in EMDR.
And I do think another factor behind this is that a lot of our relational issues, they really are born from our own negative emotional responses to things or somebody else's own negative emotional responses to things. And they cause us to have more negative interactions with the people around us. And so when we go through EMDR and your overall emotional burden is reduced, then it makes it much easier for you to interact with people in a healthier way.
And then you end up getting a lot more healthy outcomes. And so actually, this is something I tell my couples clients a lot of times is like, hey, what we're talking about here, the things I'm going to be teaching you about how to interact with each other, it's not rocket science. But the hard part is the implementation process. And the reason why the implementation process is hard is because our emotions and our pride get in the way, and they keep us from doing what we should be doing.
Right. So when we go back to that original counterpoint, we were talking about that trauma processing is the gateway to addressing broader issues. By doing EMDR and healing some of these wounds, it really enables you to work on other therapeutic goals. Because once that trauma is processed, clients can better engage in relationship building, skill development, addressing emotional regulation. And EMDR often works as that catalyst to make more rapid progress in other areas.
And I think that's because it reduces the emotional charge around those traumatic memories. So clients have more cognitive and emotional resources for the broader therapeutic work that needs to happen. Because in the introduction, we talked about oftentimes traumatic memories get stuck and don't properly process. Really, I can see that happening in clients where they are trying so hard to work on these other goals or trying to work on their marriage.
They're trying to work on their depression and anxiety, but they get so frustrated and sometimes feel so hopeless because they can't make gains in those areas. But once you really work on that traumatic memory, it is that catalyst. It is that catalyst to be able to progress in other areas. And another counterpoint to this criticism is that EMDR really does incorporate broader therapeutic techniques.
And I know that sometimes people can view EMDR as just the processing phase where you're You're doing the tapping or you're doing the eye movements or the bilateral stimulation and you're processing through the memories. And I will say that is the majority of the time when you're processing through that memory. However, EMDR does include a preparation phase and that's where you help clients develop emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and you really check for the resources.
So you're checking on what are their coping skills? Are they able to calm down? What are the resources they have in the community, amongst their own social group, and then internally as well? And all that's important before engaging in the memory processing process. And so it's not just a matter of somebody coming in and us saying, okay, let's jump right into that memory. There is that relationship building. There's the preparation phase, coping skills, the distress tolerance, all of that.
Those are all things that are important and part of EMDR. But I think it gets lost because the processing phase of EMDR takes the most amount of time. And I also think it's the most highly charged part. And so that's what we remember in it. And I think it's especially important to know that when you walk into an EMDR therapist's office, you're not going to literally be sitting there from the moment you start till the moment you leave just processing negative memories, right?
Generally, how a session works with me is we start a session, we start talking, how was your week, people explain, I may give them a couple points and tips about how to deal with a relationship issue or an emotional issue. And if something particularly big is going on, sometimes we just shell VMDR for that entire session, we just talk about the relationship issue or about
the struggle that they're going through. And so this is not just a thing where you come in and it's like, oh, I'm going to EMDR, so all I can do is EMDR. But I do a lot of cognitive behavioral stuff, or I do a lot of relationship stuff, or teaching coping skills and all these different things to help the clients out. And part of it is it's on the therapist to understand, okay, what's the biggest need right now? Is going back and processing past trauma, is that the biggest need right now?
Or is the biggest need that they have this relationship issue that's kind of blowing up in their face, and we need to talk about that and help them walk through that. And then once we get that settled, maybe 15, 30, 45 minutes in, then we'll do EMDR at the last portions of the session. Or if they had a good week, then maybe we might just jump in and do it kind of right away. way.
And I will jump in and say, it's kind of tricky in that area because a lot of times clients will come in and say, oh, I just had this relationship issue. And then we can see that they want to keep talking about it. But oftentimes it's the same issue coming up again. And we can see that, oh man, if we were able to take care of this negative cognition or this negative belief, it would really help in that area.
And so I think you're right, being able to, as a therapist, is really recognize what is the greatest need. And sometimes it is different than what the client thinks. And I always give the client the option that if we need to not do EMDR and really talk through some things, then that's okay. But there are times where I will encourage clients that I think there's a really big connection here and EMDR can help this process along.
Oh, for sure. And I think us having done it for a while, it is easy for us to see if there's a trend or a theme to be like, hey, actually, this is totally connected to what we're doing with EMDR. Actually, I had a client this last week who this was a discussion point where it's like something major kind of happened. And I said, it seems like it could be connected to what we're dealing with an EMDR. Here's my rationale for it. And I'm curious about what your thoughts are,
because it was a little bit of a toss up for me. I'm like, it could be it could not be. And then they ended up agreeing with me. And so then we ended up doing EMDR. Again, this kind of goes back into this idea. It's not just all one or the other. And I think sometimes some of the criticisms that we see about EMDR, that's kind of how they're painting it. It's like, oh, you're just getting EMDR, you're not allowed to do anything else.
But that's not really the case when you do an EMDR or you have an EMDR therapist. There are some situations where if you had your own individual therapist who you did talk therapy with, but then they were trained in EMDR and then they sent you out to another therapist, that EMDR therapist would then be strictly, I'm just doing EMDR with you because you're technically not supposed to have two individual therapists at the same time working on the same thing.
But if you had the talk therapist and the EMDR therapist, that would be an example when that would happen. And actually, I have several of those clients where therapists have referred them to me for specifically EMDR. And I actually really love working that way because we can really jump in and hit things head on, really work on uprooting and healing that trauma. And then they have another therapist where they can also gain further insights and process us through and get additional support.
So I have several clients that work that way, and I love seeing the benefits of that. And the last point that we're going to be addressing is that when you're going through EMDR, you really are going to be developing skills in order to help you cope with negative emotions. And I think this is very poignant because when you're going through EMDR, you're dealing with a lot of negative emotions. And sometimes in between sessions, you might be kind of left feeling a little bit raw.
And so it is on your EMDR therapist definitely to teach you skills on how do you cope with and how do you manage through those negative emotions while we're waiting till we get to the end till we have the resolution of those negative emotions. And so I'll talk to my clients about journaling and tell them, hey, if you journal in between sessions, you're doing free EMDR at that time and you're not having to pay in those moments and that's helping you process through even further.
Or if somebody is having dissociative experiences inside of the EMDR session, then I'll teach them grounding techniques. We'll pause and we'll do some grounding and then I'll have them use those techniques at home if they're struggling or even just going through the EMDR process when When you come to the end of a negative thought process, your therapist should have you take a nice deep breath. And that's a regular process you're doing many times in the session.
So you're teaching your client to when you're feeling unpleasant, when you're having negative feelings, you take a deep breath and it helps you to release. And so as you're going through that EMDR process, you are picking up different skills on how to deal with different emotions.
Your therapist may not necessarily sit you down and teach you them all right out of the gate, but then as they come up, as they see you might need additional coping skills, then Then they're teaching those to you along the way so that you can manage those negative feelings or emotional struggles when they're coming up. I know we addressed it early on in today's episode, but a lot of times when we're working through a trauma, it will help them with the relationship issues that they're facing.
Because I think a lot of times people know in their head how they want to respond, right? They're like, oh, I know as a mom I want to say this, or I know as I go into this conversation with my husband, I want to say these things because cognitively they make sense. But then when we're in the moment, emotionally we're reacting. And really we're reacting or overreacting due to the trauma or due to that unprocessed memory.
And so even though cognitively they know the skills and they have it, they're having a difficult time implementing it. And there's just a disconnect between that knowledge cognitively and then the emotional factors and how it plays out behaviorally. And so what EMDR does is it really helps to reconnect that. And so I think that there are times where people do have the skills, but that trauma is blocking the ability to use those skills.
And so as you work on that trauma, it allows them to then use the tools and skills that they already have in their back pocket. And as they reduce that emotional charge around the traumatic memories, it enables them to handle everyday stressors and emotional challenges more effectively.
And so as we close out today's episode, really combating that idea that there's an overemphasis on trauma memory processing in EMDR and that we ignore the broader issues, I hope that you could see that really EMDR is a holistic approach. And it does include other things than just the processing of that trauma.
But as we've talked about several times today, if that trauma is the thing that's blocking you from making healthy decisions and having healthy relationships, then focusing on getting that memory unstuck and truly healing from that memory isn't an overemphasis. It's something that's going to come alongside and help you in so many different areas.
Areas if you can get that taken care of it really can help you to make such great progress in other areas all right you guys we hope you have a great day and remember your mind is a powerful thing. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of mr and mrs therapy we hope that you enjoyed today's episode and found it helpful if so would you take 30 seconds and share it with a friend Also, we'd love for you to leave us a review on Apple Podcast.
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