Music. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy, the podcast that empowers you to transform life's challenges into opportunities for personal growth and healthier relationships. We're your hosts, Tim and Ruth Olson, licensed marriage and family therapists and trauma experts. As experienced therapists with backgrounds in addressing trauma and mental health disorders, we believe there is hope and there certainly is healing.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy podcast. We're so glad that you're here with us today. Today we're going to be using something from our own lives. Right now Tim and I are in such a busy season of our lives with the kids in sports.
So as we were doing that today, and we had two different sports going on, but four different games, I just thought, man, it's so important for us to have to over communicate and make sure that we get the kids where they need to be, that we have the kids that we're supposed to have in each of the cars, and that no one gets left behind, but that Tim and I are also on the same page.
And so we're going to use all of that in today's episode and we're going to be talking about over communicating especially in this busy season. And I think it's important to over communicate when things get very busy is because a lot of times things can change on the fly or a lot of times things can fall through the cracks or you can just forget about something.
And so a good example of today is that we kind of had to call a couple of audibles this morning where some of the dynamics were changing and shifting and. And so I was taking three of the kids and then Ruth was going to take two of the kids. And so I said, hey, I have these three. Is that right? These are the three I'm supposed to have. And she's like, yeah. And then I'm driving and then she calls me back.
She's like, hey, you have these three kids, right? And I'm like, yes, I have these three kids. And I think even when I called you, I want to make sure that we over communicated that. So I said, hey, I just want to triple check. Do you have these three kids? Because when he was talking to me, I was loading the car. and I thought I heard him say, I have these three kids, but I was kind of distracted while he was talking to me.
So when I was getting ready to leave, I wanted to make sure that he had the three kids and I was just supposed to have the two kids and I didn't leave one of the kids behind. And I think as we were talking about doing this episode, you had mentioned like, oh, you know, it could have been so easy where you had specifically told me I have these three kids. And then I called you and asked, hey, do you have these three kids? Or I could have gotten and irritated or agitated by that.
But instead, I just took it for what it was, whereas she was calling me. She was like, wait, I want to make sure we're still on the same page. We didn't have a kid left somewhere or anything like that. And actually, it's funny. I think before you had called me, I had a doubt about what kids I had in my car. And then I looked back, and then one of them was sitting directly behind me, but in the third row. And so I wasn't certain that they were there. I was like, hey, guys, is this kid here?
And then they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, oh, okay. And so I think just because there was so much of a flurry this morning with everything that we were doing and all that we had to do that I had checked and I knew I had them in there. And I just wanted to do a second check just to make sure because this was a very chaotic morning this morning. Oh, for sure. And there was a lot of moving parts. And this isn't typical of how our Saturdays go.
But because it was the first game of soccer for some of our kids, and you want to see as much of that first game as you could before you had to run our son over to baseball. And on top of that, we're in charge of snacks, and we're passing out names for the back of the jerseys. So it was just a wild morning. But I want to take a step back and go back to that phone call that you're talking where I called and I said, hey, I just want to triple check that you have these three kids.
I think where it would have gone wrong, like you said, is that you had already told me, hey, I'm taking these three kids. And when I called you, it would have been really easy for you to be frustrated with me and to say, yeah, I told you that. And I think that is one point where it could have gone downhill really quickly. But I think I knew ahead of time that I wasn't paying attention and this probably could cause some frustration.
So I tried to frame it in a way of, I know you already told me this, right? So that was the triple check thing. Hey, I just wanted to triple check. But then I also really appreciated how you responded because it would have been a really easy for you to get frustrated with me and you didn't. So I really appreciate that you saw the value in over-communicating on this super chaotic and busy day.
Oh, and I think, you know, I did that a little bit earlier as well because you had a plan for what car I should take and what kids I was going to be taking. And I think when that audible was called this morning, I think I had to check in afterwards. I think you'd explained it. But then at the point of me actually leaving, I think I checked in and said, okay, I'm taking what car and what kids right now just to make sure that I was going to take the right thing.
Because if I would have taken the wrong car, I totally could have botched it. And if I would have taken the wrong kids, I totally would have botched it. And I think too, a part of it is I'm not super great with some of those finer details like that. It's very easy for me to get lost in the lurch on stuff like that. And I think you easily could have been frustrated with me also because you had told me that, but then I also just know how my brain kind of works.
Normally it'll adopt the first thing it hears and then it will forget other things. And so when we had our first plan before the audible was called, I knew my brain is likely to lock into that and it's harder for me to accept this newer information. And so to make sure that I'm on the same page, I had to then ask you to re-explain the plan to me to make sure that I was going to be pulling it off correctly.
Which I think that's a really good point. You have to know, how do you guys communicate in your relationships? Because I forgot that, but you really do listen to that first thing. And a lot of times you go with that. But I'm on the other end of the spectrum where I need to talk out plans.
And so that could really cause problems in our communication because if I'm trying to talk things out and then I go on this huge journey to come to a conclusion, if you latch on to that first one and we don't communicate or don't talk about where the changes are, what the final plan is, then things could really get messed up. And I think, like we said, it's not always this chaotic, but I think today the timing had to work perfectly.
And so I think that in general, one of the things as you go into busy seasons or busy days, you need to really make sure that you have room to have grace for your spouse and you don't automatically assume that they're not listening or you don't jump to, I already said that, weren't you listening to me? Because on top of an already chaotic day, if you and I were fighting. Man, today could have gone horribly in the logistics, but also in our relationship.
And we just came together within the last couple hours and met back up after all the games today. And although we're both exhausted, we're both in a really good place with each other. And I think too, this doesn't just extend to busy seasons, but it also, the more difficulty you're having in your relationship, the more over communication that needs to happen.
And it's not just talking to your partner a lot more, but it's making sure they understand better where you're at, why you're there, and also even communicating like, hey, this is the message I'm trying to send to you. Because the more information or the more emotions that get injected into the situation, the easier it is for your partner to interpret something incorrectly and then start operating as though that incorrect assumption is accurate.
And then it caused them to behave and engage with you in ways that don't really make sense for what you were trying to say to them or the direction you were trying to go. And so often we have so much more grace for other people outside of our marriage relationship. And with our spouse, we are so quick to get irritated or frustrated or assume that they should have known some piece of information.
This makes me think of a time where I was having some dental work done and I needed someone to come and pick me up. And I know I've I've shared this story on the podcast at some point, but I remember telling Tim, hey, you're going to pick me up at this office. And he was trying to ask questions. And I was like, no, remember the one I pointed out? But really, I've only pointed it out in passing as we were driving past this place. Like, oh, hey, there's my dentist's office.
But it's not anything where he had to really remember. Right. And I remember him asking questions, and I was getting frustrated because I had explained where to go. And in reality, my directions were wrong. I think I told you one turn, and it should have been the next turn or the turn before.
But when I think about it, if anyone else had asked, if my friend had asked, if my pastor had asked these clarifying questions, I would have calmly and kindly probably explained to them, oh, yeah, it is that second street. Or I would have gone the extra mile and looked it up on a map to verify the information or maybe sent them a map. But with Tim, I shortcut a lot of the communication because I felt like, oh, he should have known this.
And it's just so easy to do that with someone so close to you. You don't take the time to answer their questions, first of all, in a kind way, but also recognizing that these questions are really clarifying information and it's okay for. And I think, too, even a part of when you think about that type of a scenario, it can almost be flattering where, to a certain degree, you tell me so much of almost everything that you think you've told me everything.
But then there definitely are times where you're like, oh, Tim, remember I told you? I'm like, nope, you definitely didn't. The opposite is also true. There's definitely times where you have definitely told me something, and I definitely don't remember that as well. But I think in this scenario, when you're with somebody all the time and you're generally sharing everything, it is easy to misremember things that you have shared or things maybe you intended to share.
And then your brain records that as I did share, but then you didn't really share.
And so in your relationship, there does need to be an element of grace when it comes to making sure that you guys are on the same page with each other and making sure, especially when the relationships, if it's in a rocky spot or if it's just a very busy season, that you are doing that oversharing and making sure that you have lots and plenty of clarification that, hey, here's the plan or, hey, here's what I'm feeling or, hey, here's what I'm struggling with so that you guys can proceed forward
with the best possible outcome. So that's about all the time that we have for today. So remember that in your relationship, it really is helpful to make sure that you over communicate.
Again, it's not necessarily quantity of communication. It's not necessarily constant communication, but making sure you check in or you clarify, especially when there's lots of plans or plans are shifting or when you guys are really kind of struggling in the relationship, making sure that there's these just complete open lines of communication where you're talking about what your needs are, you're talking about what the plans are, you're talking about what your hopes are,
so that you give it the best chance of having a good outcome at the end of the day. All right, guys, thank you so much for listening. And remember, your mind is a powerful thing. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. We hope that you enjoyed today's episode and found it helpful. If so, would you take 30 seconds and share it with a friend? Also, we'd love for you to leave us a review on Apple Podcast. It lights us up to know that this podcast is helping you.
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