Hey everyone, welcome back to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy Podcast. We're so glad that you're here with us today. Hey everyone, welcome back to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy Podcast. We're so glad that you're here with us today.
Today we're gonna be talking about why knowing who you are and knowing your identity is so important and how once you have, and how it really helps to kind of quiet the voices around you and not get as easily offended or not, and helps you to stay the course that you're on without getting sidetracked by what others are saying, without getting and not get so easily offended. So I had watched this video and I actually really liked what he was saying.
So I had seen a quick reel of someone And he was basically saying that knowing who you are helps you out. But before we jump in today, we have just gotten off of a pretty long series. And so I'm so glad that you guys are still here and we are excited to what? Are they going to leave because it was a long series? Okay. Okay.
So I watched this reel one day, and what he was saying was that as people come up to you and they say things to you, sometimes they're really hurtful or they could be really hurtful. But if you know who you are, then you won't get shaken by all these different comments, all of these different. And so the example that was given, and I don't know anything else about this guy. So if you, and I don't know anything else about this guy. It was just a reel that popped up.
So if you happen to know this person and his other stuff is not good. So the example that he gives is if somebody came up to me and said, hey, I hate your blue hair, then it wouldn't offend me because I don't have blue hair and it's not true.
So I so I'd probably just respond like okay so it wouldn't shake me it wouldn't bother me I would just kind of move along thinking like okay that's weird I don't have blue hair, but it's the same thing and so you need to know who you are and it's the same thing if someone and it's the same thing if someone comes along and criticizes something that you do and says, you're not good at this, and says, you're not a good writer, or I don't like your work.
If you know that you have done your best and you know that you are a good writer, then it shouldn't shake you. You should just, just like the blue, just like the blue hair, you would say, okay, doesn't bother me. That's not true. And I really liked that analogy because Because when we talk about something like that, like, oh, Tim, that pink shirt you're wearing is not a good look on you. Then you can look down and say, I don't know what you're talking about. And it doesn't even bother...
And it's kind of a bizarre statement. And so it's just kind of a clear example of that. But when it comes to characteristics and our skills and the things that we're doing, we so easily listen to the voices around us and we let it get to us, even though it's not true. through. And I think a big thing about who we are is, and I think a big struggle a lot of people have with identifying who they are, comes from that it is kind of nebulous if you don't think about it a lot.
And so what that means is that if you haven't stopped and considered or identified who you are or what your values are, it is easy for the world to speak into you and say, well, here's what I see and here's what you are. But all they're seeing is your perspective. perspective, but all they're seeing, but all they have is their own perspective. They don't know who you actually are inside. They say, well, I see this, so you must be this way, or I see that,
and you must be this way. But that doesn't really mean that that's who you are. And if you don't take any time to really stop and consider who am I and who am I or who do I want to be, then it can be very easy to just accept what anybody says around you.
But just like Ruth was saying, If you have a sense of confidence in who you are because of how you've been behaving or because you've been moving in this direction of becoming this new person, then it shouldn't really matter what people around you say. It either affirms or challenges who you are, but it doesn't make who you are. Right. And I think one of the keys to this is knowing who you're going to listen to.
So we're not saying close your ears to everybody and never be open to criticism, never be open to suggestion, because really that's how people end up on American Idol who are absolutely terrible is people didn't tell them, I don't know that you should go on there.
And so in front of the whole nation they were humiliated and so in front of the whole nation they were shut down and I'm not talking about people who had some talent and were really trying but those who you listen to on there and you're like oh my goodness didn't anyone ever tell them they can't sing and so you want to be able to listen to trusted people around you and those are And sometimes those are people who have really helped form and shape and spoke into your identity and who you are.
And really, some of those people are the ones that have helped shaped who you are and who you are becoming. But they need to be people that you trust. There's a book that my kids are listening to right now. There's a book that we're reading with our kids right now. It's The Prince Warriors. And they have this group of friends who are pretty solid.
And then as time goes on, one of the girls has this thing that kind of like attaches to her or speaks into her and you can just see her personality change. You can see her questioning the people that were so solid in her life before.
And she starts to kind of question and have a bad attitude toward pretty solid people in her life people that have poured into her her mentors her grandmother her friends and it's kind of fun to see my children as they're listening to it and it's kind of fun to see my children as they're listening to it they're like getting upset and they're like no don't listen to that person and so this thing is called and so the name of the thing is called and so it's kind of fun to hear my kids reaction
as they're hearing this little thing or this little fairy or whatever it is speaking to this girl and they're like no don't listen to that and it'll say more lies and it'll tell her more lies and she'll kind of just affirm it and be like oh yeah maybe that is true and she'll begin to question truth that before she was so solid in and you can see her personality just change along the way and my kids are just and my kids are just devastated that this girl
is kind of going down that path and then one of the friends tries to give her this helmet and. And one of her friends tries to give her this armor and the helmet of truth to be able to block out this voice. And she refuses and she wants nothing to do with it. And she wants nothing to do with it. And so she really struggles and she goes through a hard time. And the people around her get hurt as well. It's not just her that's hurting. But it would have been really easy.
But it really but it would have been really simple to combat it if she stuck to that core group of people that she knew was solid and she knew she could trust and checking in with them when she felt like you know this thing is saying this to me or I'm hearing this from people. And really seeking that wise counsel but instead she didn't she kind of isolated and went alone in the dart and went alone with this voice and this thing.
And it really did change her. And so I just love that example because, and so I just love that example because we do want people around you to pour into your life and to be able to speak into your life. But we want you to know who you are and know who those people are so that the other voices and the other things that aren't speaking truth to you and don't have your best interest in mind can be really quieted.
And I think one of the things to be conscious of about this too is that who you are can be a constantly changing thing. It's not necessarily this set, oh, this is just who I am and I have to accept it. If there's aspects about you that you would like to change about yourself, you can change it.
But one of the first things you got to do in order to change who you are into who you want to to be is about your thoughts and what you think about yourself, what you say about yourself, but also what you allow other people to tell you about yourself. And that's the first line of trying to shift or change a dynamic in your life that you don't really like.
Oh, I'm just such a procrastinator. And if you keep saying that and you keep identifying as that, you're not going to change it because the most fundamental portion of that being a part of who you are is still there. It's your thoughts and what you're saying about that as true. And the only way to change that is by starting with changing those thoughts and then working at then changing those behaviors.
And I think sometimes people look at that and they can think, well, it's so small, it's so silly, it's not really that big of a deal, but it is absolutely a very big deal.
Remember there's this guy he did these workout videos and in the workout videos he would say don't say i can't do this say i currently struggle with and a part is like and a part of it is if you say i can't do this thing then you're not going to be very likely to even try but if you say i currently struggle with you're saying like okay it's not easy i might not be doing a very good job at it but i but i currently struggle with leaves the opportunity in your mind that change can happen.
And so when you're, so if you're, so if, for example, you are struggling with procrastination, you want to tell yourself something like, I have been a procrastinator in the past, but I am working on changing that, or I am moving towards being a timely person. And, and those thought processes help start to shift or change, or you can even just jump the gun and say, I am a timely person. I get stuff done early and often.
And that's a part of who I am. And even though that's not technically correct yet, it makes it much easier for your actions to start following those words. Oh, yeah, I love that. Because that kind of relates to because that relates exactly to the example I gave earlier about someone saying, well, you're not a good writer. I don't like your stuff. Maybe part of that is true that your writing isn't great at this moment.
But if that's the path that you're on, and you're getting better at it, then you're able to quiet that voice and know that this is something that I'm working on. This is my goal. This is where I'm going. And I'm getting better at it. I'm working on it. And another really big piece about this is knowing that you're not going to please everyone.
Everyone not everyone is gonna like you not everyone's gonna like your stuff there are classics there are great writings out there and I can talk to one person and they'll say oh my gosh that was so good that was my favorite book out there that was my favorite series and then you can talk to someone else and they'll be like you know like it was okay it was I didn't hate it, And then you can talk to someone else and they'll not have liked it or just
kind of been neutral about it like, oh, it was okay. Whereas the other person over here is raving about it and saying that it was life changing for them. And so knowing.
Then on the other spectrum you can have someone who totally hated it and so just knowing that you can't please everyone and I know that as a therapist I know that as a coach that I'm not necessarily the right person for everyone but the people that are in my path the people that God have played but the people that God has placed in my life and placed around me and the clients that I have, I'm very passionate about helping them.
And if at any point they feel like, you know what, this isn't right for me, I don't take offense to that. Because I really, really want them to find what is right for them. I want them to grow and change. And if I'm not the avenue where that will happen, then that's okay. And so knowing that you're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. And so knowing that you're going to get, and so knowing that there will be critics out there, that's okay.
And maybe even, and sometimes you need to totally quiet them in your mind and not let it get to you. Or sometimes you listen to it, you allow that to help you grow and get better, and fine-tune your work and then you move on. And I think, you know, it's so interesting that you say that because so many people, they think they know what everybody wants or what everybody likes, but a part of it is that. And part of it is that people are so diverse in what they're interested in and
what they like. It can be just so wildly different from what you think or what you like. I remember we were at a party one time and I was talking to this guy. And he must frequently not realize that he must frequently have conversations with people where he doesn't realize that people aren't interested. His wife walked by and started kind of like chastising him. Like, oh, he probably doesn't care about that. Like, why are you talking about that?
But I was engaged and I was interested and I liked it. But, but she was, but she was kind of putting her own perspective on me thinking like, oh, I wouldn't be interested in what her husband was talking about, but I was interested. And, and the fact that she had, and the fact that she wasn't interested or he had, or he had gotten caught up a couple too many times with other people who weren't interested didn't mean that I didn't mean that I had some type issue with what we were talking about.
And so I think, too, just like what you're saying, Ruth, it's so important for people to try to be who they are. And now, don't get me wrong, if everybody's rejecting you and you don't have any relationships or any close friendships because nobody likes who you are, maybe it's time to try to turn ship. but 99% of the time, that's not going to be the case. Most people are going to be able to find people who they enjoy, who enjoy them.
And there's not really any, there's not really anything fundamentally wrong with who you are. It's just some people will like you and some people will not like you. And that's okay. And one of the things we always talk to our kids about when they're arguing about something that doesn't matter, I always like to jump in the middle. Is that a fact or an opinion? And most of the time, things people are arguing about are opinions. This is my opinion. This is your opinion.
And so, okay, that's a fine opinion to have, just like you're saying about the books. Somebody might love this one book and the other person may hate this book. And there's no objective fact about if that's a good book or not. It's just, it was good to me, so it has good aspects of it to that person. It was bad to me, there's bad aspects to that person. And that person found bad aspects to that book.
And so I think going back to this idea of defining who you are and and so I think going back to this idea of defining who you are who you are is an amalgamation of is an amalgamation of the choices that you've made in your life but also who but also of the new choices that you're currently starting to make now it may not fully solidify that this is who I am now but you are now Now transitioning into that person.
I don't want to say transitioning, but now, but now you're shifting into this new person. And the longer that you keep going that direction, then, then at a certain point that just is now who you are. Do think the other side of that is true too, is who you were in the past at a certain point that stops being who you are now.
And so for example, if you used to be a very verbally aggressive person and you used to argue and fight with people all the time, at what point does that stop being true about you when you haven't been doing that? Is it a couple of weeks, a month, six months, a year? At a certain point, you're no longer this verbally aggressive person who argues all the time Because you've shifted that behavior and now it has changed and now this is the new version of you.
And I think sometimes that can be really frustrating when other people aren't allowing you or seeing you, when other people aren't allowing you to change in their own mind, giving you credit.
Credit and I know this can be really frustrating when the people around you aren't giving you that room to change in their own mind so maybe you have shown consistent patterns and habits that you've changed just like Tim was talking about but they're not giving you that credit and they're not acknowledging that change which could be so disheartening when you've really worked on something and they just go back to, oh, Ruth is this. They just go back to labeling you by who you were.
And as you're even saying that right now, Ruth, a thought came to my mind. There's a very easy way to gently challenge people when they say something like that. Oh, yeah, I did used to struggle with that. As opposed to jumping in and trying to argue with them or trying to correct them or trying to disprove them. Well, see, I've been doing this, that and the other thing. It's just, oh, yeah, I did used to struggle with that.
And then it lets them know, like, hey, that's not how it lets other people know. No, hey, that's not how I perceive myself, or that's not how I see myself. Could have used that this morning. There's actually just today and the other time where you're like, I don't want to say anything because you just always, I'm like, lately I've been doing this, you know, and I was like, and I'm like, oh my gosh, that's brilliant.
And I've been giving you credit and been so open, but I feel like it's just stuck on like, you're not open, you want it your own way. And so one thing again, so going back to the site, Right.
And so going back to identity, identity is a part of how you, identity is how you behave, but also it's really important that you have a solid understanding of what are my behaviors, what are my values, who actually am I, so that the world can't just push you around and tell you who you are when that's not really who you actually are.
Because again, the world has perceptions of you from what it observes, but just because somebody observes you in a certain way, or has a certain or might have a certain skewed understanding of who you are that doesn't make you who you are and the more secure you are in who you are then and the more secure and the more and the more secure you are and the more secure you are in who you are the less likely the less offense people will get the less offense it will feel when somebody gets it
wrong when they perceive you differently. All right, guys, thank you so much for listening. And remember, your mind is a powerful thing.