Music. Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy, the podcast that empowers you to transform life's challenges into opportunities for personal growth and healthier relationships. We're your hosts, Tim and Ruth Olson, licensed marriage and family therapists and trauma experts. As experienced therapists with backgrounds in addressing trauma and mental health disorders, we believe there is hope and there certainly is healing.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to Mr. and Mrs. Therapy Podcast. We're so glad that you're here with us today. So we have been in kind of a lengthy series where we've been talking about negative cognitions and negative beliefs. And if you've listened to the past several episodes, you know that we've broken them down into four different categories. The first one is I am something wrong, so it's a responsibility, like there's something wrong with me.
The second one is responsibility as well, but it's I did something wrong. The third category is safety and vulnerability. And that's the one we just finished in the last two episodes. And now we're going into the final section, which is control and choice. So today's episode and the next episode will cover negative beliefs and cognitions like I'm not in control, I'm powerless, or I'm helpless. I can't get what I want, I can't stand it, and a couple of other beliefs as well.
And as we work on trauma and different things that we've experienced in our lives, and we heal from that, we want to make sure that we're really getting under there and we're getting to these negative core beliefs that we're experiencing. Because it's not just a one-time trauma or a one-time experience that we're trying to heal from. But when we experience trauma, these negative beliefs get embedded.
And then as we we experience different things throughout our lives, they just kind of get confirmed and dug deeper and deeper into our neural pathways. They become part of our identity and part of how we see ourselves and how we behave and present ourselves to the world because of these negative beliefs. And so we really want to make sure that as we're doing EMDR and we're working through some trauma that we are hitting these negative beliefs.
So just like the other episodes, we're going to to talk about what are some trauma examples or some experiences that maybe somebody has gone through that has developed some of these beliefs, as well as how they're impacting our current lives. So let's jump into today's episode. So the first one we're going to be discussing for today is I am not in control.
And this can be developed through people who live through chaotic family life dynamics, or they were stuck in a situation where they were literally powerless, like if you live through a natural disaster or something along those lines. And one of the really interesting things about the negative belief of I'm not in control is it will have a tendency to cause you to try and gain more control.
It's going to cause you to want to try to control more situations. situations but what i tell my clients the interesting thing that happens is the more you try to control situations the more you'll run up to situations that you're not actually in control of and then the more you realize you're not in control the more that makes you anxious and feel uncomfortable and then the more it tries to make you take control of things but the problem is then you just feel more and more out of control
because you're realizing there's more and more you're not in control of versus the opposite is true for people who don't have have control issues. They don't try to control things. So then they don't run into situations where they're not in control. And so then as a matter of fact, they actually feel more in control. So it's this funny paradox where when you have this negative belief, it's reinforced by your attempt to try to control things, but then you realize you can't control them.
And so what this will do a lot of times is it will cause you to feel overwhelmed because you're taking on too many tasks. You're trying to control too many things and you take on too much responsibility for the outcome of those things. And part of that is because you can't delegate because you don't want to let go of that control for someone else, even if it's in a simple task. And that person is very capable of it. But you feel like, oh, I want it done my specific way.
Or even though you trust that person can do it, you just feel like, oh, if I'm not the one doing it, I don't have control over it. And that causes a lot of anxiety in you. And on top of that, then it causes you not to be able to delegate things to other people, because then just like you were saying, well, they're not going to do it the way that I would want it to be done. And so then I got to do it all myself.
And so a lot of times this can cause people in relationships to feel like their partner is not contributing. But then if you're too antsy about how they are contributing, or you're too controlling over how they're contributing, then you're actually the one who's boxing yourself into that corner.
Oh, for sure. And I think I see that cycle a lot in relationships, where the person, who has this belief of I'm not in control, complains about their spouse of, they're not even helping around the house, or I really feel overwhelmed by all of these things.
And then when I talk to the spouse, I can see the other side of the story that really they used to try to help, but they backed away from that because every time they did help, it was either redone or they got chastised for doing it a different way, or they felt micromanaged.
And so this is that cycle where in a sense, you're putting yourself in that box of feeling overwhelmed because even though your spouse was willing to help you, because of your response to them, they kind of just gave up and thought, well, it's not worth it or I'm not going to get into a fight over this. And so they stopped helping, which then created this conflict. And so people are struggling with I'm not in control. They really have this negative controlling behavior.
And so actually, they're oftentimes a lot more in control of situations than other people are, because if you don't have this negative belief of I'm not in control, you have a tendency to be able to go with the flow a little bit more. But if you do have this negative belief of I'm in control, you are trying to control the flow. You're trying to dictate where it goes. And again, it can span to everything. It can span to like, how are the clothes folded?
How well is the bathroom cleaned? mean, how perfect do you do your hair and is every strand of hair where it's supposed to be? So if you're struggling with this negative belief of I'm not in control, you're going to have a tendency to be pretty high strung and be very stressed out. I think this is one of the areas where maybe when you first meet your spouse, they find this attractive and they think, oh man, that person is very kind of a take charge person. They get things done.
But after several years of marriage, they feel then controlled. Oh, totally. And I can see how you'd be drawn in by that because there's a lot of very positive qualities to somebody who's type A. But being a type A person versus somebody who is struggling with a negative belief of I'm not in control are two very different things.
And one of the things I always like to tell people is that when you are doing something because there's a negative emotional motivator behind it, and that negative emotional motivator is something like I'm not in control, there's always an invisible toll or tax that gets levied on you and the people around you. And so if you are presenting as very type A because you have this negative belief, then it is going to have a lot of attractive qualities.
But then when you get to see deeper into it, it's like, oh, there's all these tolls and taxes. There's a lot of anxiety. There's a lot of stress. There's a lot of conflict that comes from having this versus if you're more of a type A personality, you can have the benefits of being on top of things, but it's not really driven from anxiety, stress, or the need to control. It's just a, hey, I like to have things organized and I like to be on top of
things. And so there's not that hidden tax or toll that you have to deal with. And this is a fascinating one to see EMDR in action with this belief because a lot of people have now just kind of attached this to who you are, right? She's just a controlling person or she can't let go of anything. If you could really take care of where where this belief came from, then it'll allow you to release a lot of control over things that don't matter.
But it doesn't mean that if that's part of your personality and how God created you, kind of like Tim was saying with the type A personality, you're not gonna lose those strengths of it, but you're not gonna be doing it out of this desperate need for control. You're gonna be operating out of your strength rather than operating out of the trauma. The next negative belief is I am powerless or I am helpless.
And sometimes this comes from experiencing prolonged abuse, whether it's physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, where escape or resistance was not possible. You weren't able to get out of the situation. And so eventually you develop this belief of I'm powerless, I'm helpless. There's nothing I can do to change the situation. So one of the things I want to comment on that's so interesting is the difference of the outcome from something like I'm not in control versus I'm powerless.
I'm not in control tends to spur people to action, but I am powerless tends to cause people to just throw up their hands and then not even try to do anything. And so I'm not in control is I want to try to gain control, but I am powerless cause you to think and feel like, oh, well, there's not even a point in trying. And so it's going to have a very, very different presentation, even though when you look at it on the surface, it can seem like very similar things.
Oh, for sure. And that goes right into how that impacts our current life. This might result in chronic feelings of helplessness that affect your decision making. And like Tim was saying, just makes you kind of throw up your hands and give up. I think it really shrinks your locus of control. So you feel like, really, there's not a lot that I have control of. There's not a lot that I have the ability to change. And so that can lead to depression or passivity really in all areas of your life.
Because when you believe this and you feel like I'm helpless or I'm powerless, I could totally see how that could lead to a loss of hope. And when you don't have hope, you don't try because, well, there's no hope. And so what you would view it as is just it's going to be wasted effort if I bother doing anything. So I may as well conserve my energy and not even try.
And this is also really cool to see the work of EMDR being done, because once you kind of change this, I am powerless, I'm helpless belief, then you feel like I do have choices. I can make a difference. I can change things in my life. and you can begin to see that passivity change into action. The next one is I am weak. And you can develop this by being bullied or demeaned for your physical abilities or if you're an emotionally sensitive person.
And actually, this is really funny. This is something I hear from clients all the time. We're in a session, we're working on something, and then they get emotional and they start crying or they get upset. And then they'll start apologizing to me for having those emotions. And I always like to tell them, I say, Say, listen, this is my job is to work with people's emotions. Like, don't ever apologize for feeling something inside of therapy.
That's the whole point is to express your feelings and then to work through your feelings, not to feel ashamed or embarrassed. And I do think when you have that negative belief of I am weak, you feel ashamed or embarrassed for having those negative feelings. And a lot of times what happens is then people try to stuff those away or they try to diffuse their emotions by shifting to humor right away to try to avoid
it. because they don't want people to see that they're having an emotional response or reaction to something. You also may struggle a lot with self-esteem, just feeling like I'm not capable of things or just I'm not a worthy or worthwhile person because I am weak. It also could have you to have a little bit of a Napoleon complex where you're overly aggressive to try to compensate for that negative feeling of I am weak.
You want to try to prove to others or even prove to yourself that I'm not this thing that I perceive myself to be, but it doesn't really matter how much aggression or how many conflicts you get into. to, if you have that negative belief, it's always going to be drained away. And at the end of the day, you're always going to feel like you're this weak person.
And then on top of that, it causes you to then be fearful, worried, and anxious about being exposed and people finding out you are as weak as you perceive yourself to be inside.
Right. So then you avoid those situations that that fear comes up in, which before we started the series, we were talking about vulnerability and people who have this belief of I am weak could be avoiding situations where that will show and so they're not being vulnerable with people so like Tim was saying in session they're already feeling uncomfortable about sharing their emotions that in life they could totally be avoiding situations
where their emotions will show because to them they feel like I am weak if I show this emotion or they have a lot of should statements going on in their head Like, I shouldn't feel this way, or I shouldn't be this sensitive, or I shouldn't show people that I can't handle this, rather than being open and vulnerable, which can really enhance relationships, that vulnerability and openness. But when you have this belief, you're really trying to avoid that at all costs.
And the last one we'll talk about today is the belief of, I cannot get what I want. And some of the trauma examples that this can come from are repeatedly being denied basic needs or desires as a child or living in poverty where even minimal wishes were unattainable and just essential needs are denied. And so you feel like, I can't get what I want. And really, I can't get what I need.
And so how this belief can impact us in our current life is it can foster this mindset of scarcity and low expectations. Because clearly you don't want to have high expectations because even your basic needs weren't being met. And so you're not even going to risk having higher expectations. And so you really do protect yourself by having these low expectations.
And it's interesting you say protect yourself because it actually puts you in more vulnerable positions because then you're more likely to accept poor or bad behavior from people around you because you just feel like, Like, well, I can't get what I want. I just got to accept what comes my way. And so kind of similar to the negative belief of I am powerless, it causes you to not even really try. It causes you to have that sense or feeling of hopelessness where it's just a foregone conclusion.
I'm just going to get whatever comes my way. And there's nothing I can do to edit or change or redirect or try to get a different outcome. Oh, for sure. And you can see this in your personal growth or even your professional growth where you think, I can't get what I want. Maybe there's this job available and you're not going to apply for it because in your mind you have that powerless or helpless or I cannot get what I want feeling. And so why even try?
And the same thing in relationships. If you have this desire to have a healthy relationship, or if you see someone that you want to pursue, you already feel like, I'm not going to get that, or I can't get what I want. So there's no sense in pursuing that, which then creates that self-fulfilling prophecy. Because if that person's in the room, you act nonchalant, or you are passive and withdrawn. And to them, it may seem like you're uninterested.
But in reality, it's because of that fear of, I can't get what I want, so I'm not even going to try. And so they see it as not being interested, and maybe they go along their way. And so this thing that you wanted, you set up that self-fulfilling prophecy, and you never got it, which then can, in your mind, confirm this belief of, see, I can't ever get what I want. All right, guys, that's about all that we have for today. Just a quick recap.
The negative beliefs we reviewed were, I'm not in control, I am powerless, I am weak, and I cannot get what I want. Now, if any of those negative beliefs are kind of striking you, and they're poking at your heartstrings, what this means is that that negative belief is something that you are operating under.
And if you'd like some assistance in getting that corrected and alleviating yourself from feeling these negative beliefs, we have a link in our description below where you can set up a 15 minute consultation where we can talk you through the process that will take you through a little bit. Or if you just want to set up an appointment, we also have a link there where you can just set up a time and then we'll get started and we'll hammer away at these right away.
All right, guys, thank you so much for listening. And remember, your mind is a powerful thing. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. We hope that you enjoyed today's episode and found it helpful. If so, would you take 30 seconds and share it with a friend. Also, we'd love for you to leave us a review on Apple Podcast. It lights us up to know that this podcast is helping you. If you have any questions or a topic you'd like discussed in future episodes,
visit our Facebook group. Just click the link in the description below. Although we are mental health providers, this podcast is for informational purposes only and is not intended to provide diagnosis or treatment. If you are struggling with persistent mental health issues, Hotline at 988. Thank you again for joining us on Mr. and Mrs. Therapy. Remember, there's always hope and there's always help. Music.