Music. Music. Or Mrs. Therapy podcast, we're so glad that you're here with us today. We started a new series in the last episode talking about different negative beliefs and negative cognitions. And we talk a lot about EMDR, which if you're new here, it's a type of trauma treatment that is very effective. And although we do work on a memory, if there's a traumatic memory or event or situation that happened, we work on that memory.
But really what we're looking for is what negative belief or cognition is underneath that memory. And so in the last episode and in the next episodes coming up, we're just going to go through some of those beliefs and talk about examples of maybe where they could come from, as well as how they impact your current life. And so the ones that we've already talked about in the last episode is I don't deserve love. I'm a bad person. I am terrible. I'm worthless or inadequate.
I'm shameful and I'm not lovable. And so today we're just going to jump right back in and continue on with a list of negative beliefs. And just as a reminder, we want you guys to know that these negative beliefs, these are ingrained in our emotions. These are not necessarily based in logic. And so the way I like to describe it to people is that it's almost kind of hardwired into your brain.
And so you can tell yourself all day long, like, I am good enough, I am lovable, I don't have to be perfect. But those statements will oftentimes ring hollow or feel flat to you because inside you really believe these negative beliefs. And so it's not as simple as just understanding that it's not true, but a big part of this is about reprogramming your brain so that it can let go of these negative beliefs and resolving the emotions that cause you to believe them.
And the examples that we're going to give today of where some of these beliefs come from, obviously aren't the only ways you can get these negative beliefs. We're just gonna give a few examples of each of these beliefs. But as you hear them, if it resonates with you, even though the examples don't match with your own experience, then just take a mental note that that may be a negative belief that you are struggling with.
Because as we already read through the list of what we talked about in the last episode, if any of those just ring true to you, then that's already a clue that that might be a great place to start with EMDR. So the first one we're gonna talk about today is the belief of I am not good enough. And some trauma examples that this could come from is growing up with high parental expectations and frequently falling short, whether it's academic, sports, school, or even just in everyday family life.
And so a lot of times those high parental or even societal expectations without emotional support could cause you to feel like I am not good enough. And sometimes maybe it's your own level of expectation that was set up just by an example from someone else. Maybe they didn't necessarily put that pressure on you, but you saw someone else have those high expectations of themselves. And then you kind of adopted them and took them on for yourself.
And then you realize, oh, man, I'm not meeting up to the standard or the expectation that I have. And so this can definitely impact your current life. And oftentimes it'll show up as perfectionism, overworking, or maybe that perfectionism or overworking is an attempt to prove your worth. Or you find yourself just consistently maybe not avoiding the project or whatever it is you have to do altogether, but you're just procrastinating it. And you eventually will get there.
But it is kind of this avoidance and pushing it back and back until you have to do it because you don't want to fail on it and because you truly believe that I'm not good enough. And I think this is actually one of the negative beliefs I see a lot with clients. And this can show up at work, it can show up in your daily tasks in life, and it can show up in relationships.
And I think with this one, it's very common to see people who are constantly striving, constantly working to be better, but always feeling hollow at the end. Even when they accomplish everything that they're putting their mind to, they're never actually receiving any of the emotional benefits of their accomplishments because their brain still believes I'm not good enough. And so that it always wants to set the bar higher. Well, I could have done this or I could have done that.
And so I do think I'm not good enough is a very close relative to I have to be perfect. And so from the outside, it can look like that negative belief actually has some positive benefits to it. If you're stuck in the cycle where you're achieving all your dreams and you're getting everything you're trying to go after, but then you're never feeling the benefits of it, it ends up kind of feeling like, what's the point?
And once we have this negative belief and it starts to get more and more ingrained into our neural pathways, then every experience we have after it, it just kind of confirms to us, see, I am not good enough. And so in the dating world, there's a lot of emotions involved there. And there's a lot of reasons why people break up. And it's not always because you're not good enough.
But if there's a breakup and you have this belief, more than likely, you're going to kind of take it personal and you're going to confirm that belief and say, see, I wasn't good enough. Even if that person wasn't a great match for you or wasn't a great fit for you. And even though maybe people around you are saying, man, you deserve so much better than that. But in your own mind and in your own thoughts that you're battling and you're fighting, you're gonna still feel like I'm not good enough.
Even though maybe cognitively, you can understand what they're saying and you can lay out different traits or different reasons why that relationship wasn't great. That's what Tim's talking about, how it's not always necessarily this logical sense because that makes sense and you can understand why in your brain, but that doesn't always translate to your emotions and feelings.
And so even though you can see it written on paper or other people are telling you this, you still feel like, no, I'm not good enough. And actually, interesting enough, as we were talking about this, I started to think one of our kids is actually, I think, struggling a little bit with not necessarily fully having this belief, but it almost seems like it's trying to develop. And so we had a bunch of flies in our house the other day. And so I made it a fun competition with the kids.
I said, oh, whoever kills the first fly wins. And so several of the kids got fly swatters and started running around the house trying to kill the flies. And then one is like, oh, I'm not playing the game, but I'm just helping. I want to kill the flies. And I remember I was like, well, why don't you want to play? It'd be fun to just see if you can win. And they're like, oh, well, they're bigger than me. And so I'm probably not
going to win. And so I just kind of helped reframe it. And I just said, hey, you know what? They're bigger than you. But then that means that if you lose, it's because they're bigger than you. But then if you beat them and you're smaller... Then that's even a greater thing because you're able to beat your older siblings. And so they were able to accept that and kind of ran off and then started playing the game.
And then today, again, we were playing another game where it was just something simple. It was we asked one of the family members question, what's your favorite hobby or what's your favorite dessert? And when this particular child thought they had the right answer, they were willing to give it. But then they got a little bit worried, like, oh, I don't know if I know this about them.
So then they would say, well, I'm not going to answer this question. question and so I asked why again like oh why don't you want to say anything I said is it because you're worried you might get it wrong and they're like yeah and then I was just like well so what just answer the question it's just for fun anyway and so I could see like that negative belief is almost trying to wedge its way in there but again because it's kind of at
the earlier stage I think it's a little bit easier to help direct and challenge it at this point but then it may end up being something that needs to be worked on through EMDR the next one we're going to be be discussing is I deserve only bad things. Now this oftentimes comes from abusive relationships where suffering is kind of the norm or where somebody is particularly punitive in the consequences that they're giving to the other person.
So a lot of times this will come from parents where they're giving overly harsh consequences or every time they're doing something wrong, they're giving a pretty harsh consequence. And so this oftentimes comes from very cold style parenting where there's not a lot of love and affection. There's not a lot of grace. It's always just punitive consequence, consequence, consequence. And then also parents who have high expectations where it's, hey, if you meet the standard, that's good.
That's what you should have been meeting. but then that means that the child gets no praise for doing the good thing which that ends up sending that message okay you only get bad things when you don't perform but then you also don't get good things when you do perform and so then that starts sending that message.
Now I do think this is also something that would be easy to develop if you're in a relationship with somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder or somebody who has borderline personality disorder. Those are situations where it's you're almost always going to get nothing but consequences in those types of relationships. And when you have this negative belief, you're oftentimes going to be very pessimistic about life. You accept negative situations without seeking change.
And it's because you just don't believe there's any alternative, especially when these things are developed when you're young. It creates this concept of learned helplessness where it's there's no way out. And so then you don't even seek a way out, even though one might be just around the corner, but you're not even looking for it or trying to find it.
And one way that this will show up in your current life is sabotaging opportunities or relationships that are actually really good and healthy for you because you think, I don't deserve this. I only deserve bad things.
And so when there's a relationship and things are going well, maybe not consciously, maybe not on purpose, but you might begin to create conflict or you might in your own mind feel like they're are withdrawing from you and projecting a lot of your own insecurities and beliefs that ends up causing the relationship to end. And this is really unfortunate because this is clearly not a true statement.
People don't deserve only bad things. But there are a lot of people who have a lot of guilt and a lot of trauma that happened who truly do believe this. And I think another trauma example that I can think of is if there's any situation where you feel like it was your fault, and it could even be in a divorce situation where your parents got divorced, you were only a child, but you took on that burden, you felt like this is my fault.
And so it's not a situation where it was through abuse or suffering that you always experience, but just as guilt and shame that now you took on and you changed it into this belief of I ruined everything, see, I only deserve bad things. The next negative belief we'll talk about is I am permanently damaged. And the trauma example that we have for this is really just experiencing a traumatic event that leaves a lasting psychological impact, like a violent assault or a severe accident.
And you just feel like I am permanently damaged. And I would also say people who've been struggling long-term with mental health issues also develop this negative belief of I am permanently damaged. Oh, for sure. And just that thought of like, there's something wrong with me. And I've been trying so hard to fix it, feeling like there's no fix. And so it's something wrong with me. I am permanently damaged.
And how this shows up in your current life is just hopelessness about change, hopelessness about your future, about recovery, which then might deter someone from seeking help or even believing in the efficacy of treatment. And even to the point of, OK, maybe I do believe that this treatment works or this therapy works, but it works for other people. I don't think it's going to work for me. I am permanently damaged.
And I've actually seen that a lot. I don't know if you've seen that a lot, Tim, where people come in, they're like, I don't think this is going to work for me. Or we'll go over kind of their life history and their list of traumas and the things that they've experienced, their disturbing events, and they just feel overwhelmed. They feel like that's so much. There's no way that this is going to help me with all of this. Oh, yeah, absolutely.
As a matter of fact, that's something that's kind of exciting for me because I'm like, oh, just you wait. You don't think this will work for you, but you'll be singing a different tune here in a couple of months. The next one is I am ugly or my body is hateful. Now, this comes from people who have been body shamed a lot for their physical appearance, or maybe they've even had some physical trauma that has negatively affected their appearance.
And some of the stories I've heard just about some of the body shaming that people have received from their parents or their friends or their relatives, oftentimes it's just so shocking to me because I'm like, man, that's crazy to hear. Because for me, it's just very foreign to the atmosphere I grew up in or the cultural or place that I grew up in where body shaming was not a common thing at all, as well as the atmosphere we're trying to create for our kids in our own house.
But it absolutely is shocking some of the stories that I've heard, things that people actually just say out loud that are just so hurtful and so unnecessary and absolutely not helpful at all. And so some of the most obvious things that can come about from people who have this negative belief of I'm ugly or my body is hateful is you can get addicted to cosmetic surgery where you're constantly going in and getting work done.
Or it could be you then become anorexic or bulimic and you're trying to get a specific body shape. Or it can even be just a desire to withdraw from society because you feeling like your physical appearance is negative. There's no way to really hide or try to compensate for that. And so if you are unhappy with how you look, or you're fearful that people are always judging you for how you look, the easiest way is to try to back off from social contact.
And I think we see this a lot when we're talking to people about bullying and just the things that they've experienced. I know you kind of mentioned it, Tim, about the body shaming. But even when you think about bullying, kids can be really mean in what they're saying. And they can just pick anything about you and really start teasing you and going after you about it, even though there are no grounds for it.
But I do think a lot of this, especially at a younger age, when you've experienced just a couple of comments here or there, you know, it doesn't have to be all the time. But if you have a specific experience where you can think back and you can remember, oh, I remember in second grade, Bobby called me this, or Bobby said this other girl is prettier than me.
You know, it could be something like that where as to us as adults, we think, oh, you know, he was just being mean or don't take that to heart. And we can affirm them and tell them how we see them. But that experience can really impact them. And it is so interesting with EMDR to see when we try to find like what the memories are that are related to some of these beliefs, when they kind of float back, they think, well, I'm not even going to share this because it's not even that big of a deal.
But we oftentimes can find that those early memories are really the ones that are the core memories. And that's where it began. And that's what we really want to work on. And so one of the interesting things with EMDR is it's easy to discount memories or experiences that we had because, well, it's not that big of a deal. And I know Tim mentioned this in the last episode, but oftentimes he'll tell his clients, I don't care if it should or shouldn't bother you. I just care if it does.
And that's kind of that same thought of with EMDR, when we're looking at these negative beliefs, it's not about looking at the experience that you have and thinking, well, I shouldn't have even been offended by that. But you were hurt by it. But so that experience, no matter how small it is, could really be the starting point of this belief. All right, you guys, we're going to stop there for today's episode.
So I didn't say this in the beginning of this episode, but in the last episode, we talked about how a lot of these beliefs were breaking into different categories. The first category really is this, I am something wrong, like there's something wrong with me. And that's what we talked about in the last episode. That's what we talked about today. day. And we'll talk about it in one more episode.
And then from there, we'll go into I did something wrong. And then we'll go into safety and vulnerability. And then the last group of beliefs that we'll talk about is control and choice. So feeling like I'm not in control, or I'm weak, or I'm powerless.
So this will be several episodes. But we hope that just kind of going a little more in depth with each of these beliefs, it gives you some good examples of maybe be where they came from and if you've experienced that, as well as how they're impacting your current life. So we'll see you in the next episode. Have a great day and remember, your mind is a powerful thing. Music.