Olympics, I admit that I unabashedly become the most patriotic guy in the history of the world when it comes to the Olympics. Like I'm just like Team USA all the way, bro. Like I never I never wavered. I never faltered from it. But it's interesting. Even after these last few years, I've been wondering, cause like the last Olympics, well, it's interesting cause over COVID, I lost my interest in a lot of sports.
And I was like, is it just because I'm now, you know, doing this healing path and like doing drugs and doing mindfulness and hippie shit. And maybe there's an element of starting to get into that, but no, I think part of it's also cause Sports are lame when you don't have a crowd, man. Any sport. it's so true. No matter what sport it is, I need to like feed off the energy of the crowd that's like reacting like, we can't believe we can't believe what's happening. You know what I mean?
Yeah. Like, I mean, I remember like the NBA bubble when they did the NBA finals in the bubble. It looked like they were just playing like, it looked like a summer league games and I couldn't, I couldn't get into it. and then same with like the NFL, like they were just playing pretend and the Olympics in Tokyo were awful. They were just like, you lost, you lost the whole spectacle of it. And you lose the whole spectacle of the Olympics. know, badminton just doesn't cut it anymore.
if there's no spectacle, why am I watching the guy from Malaysia try to lift 172 kilograms? I don't even know what hundred two seventy kilograms means. Like I know what it means by way of like drugs, but I don't know what it means by way of like weight on a on a clean and snatch lifting weights kind of deal. You know what mean? I need the crowd to tell me how I should be reacting. And if the crowd is cheering and the crowd is like, wow, this is the most amazing thing that's ever happened.
And this person is coming from behind like that. That lady from the Netherlands, did you see that the other day in the four by, I think it was a four by 400 medley or the four by 400 relay that was the mixed medley, two men, two women. Did you see this? Bro, it was like the Netherlands was behind, they were in fourth place and then the anchor, this lady, I don't know her name. I do know her name, Femke Bull. Okay, like fuck you, I do know her you pulled that out, man.
as if I haven't been Googling her for the last three days straight. Is she sexy? She's fucking sexy. There's nothing sexy about her on the internet, but I've not let that stop me from jerking off about her. So anyway, so she's the anchor. know, it's a mixed 4x400 relay. It goes man, woman, man, woman. And I mean, I'm, I'm team USA all the way and team USA is in the lead and it looks like, shit dog, we're going to win another gold medal. Like let's go team USA.
We don't worry about the Netherlands. We don't worry about Femke Bull from the Netherlands because she's in fourth place, dog. We don't even worry about her. We're worried about Canada and we're worried about fucking maybe Great Britain. don't know who the other one was. Femke Bull runs like record breaking. like a record. I'm crying talking about it. Like she runs a record breaking 400 meter to win, to win the thing. And everybody's like, what did we just watch?
Mike, you got to watch the video of that because it's the most it's like watching. Listen, man, I love the Olympics. Always have always will. There's not many things that can beat Carrie Strug. fucking nuttin' it up and going through the pain to do that last vault to win gold for Team USA back in like 96 or whatever it is. Do remember what I'm talking about? Kerry Strug, right? Show it to me right now and I will fucking ball like a baby.
The only thing that has ever come even close to that, and by the way, it's not even close, but the only thing that has come close to that is watching Femke Bowl just run the 400 meters. There's nothing more boring than watching a person run 400 meters. That's one lap around the tracks. Nothing's cool. There's nothing cool to watch. They're not running super fast. I mean, they are. They're running faster than I've ever run in my whole life, but there's nothing cool about the 400 meters.
But watching her close on, maybe it was first Great Britain and then Canada and then the United States and then win the thing. was like, wow. I guess I'm ready to re -believe in humans. Like I guess I love humans I love that line you just said, I love humans again. I think I need to go back and revisit some of this stuff because I was watching most of the Olympics up until I went into my school cave for four days.
so I picked up Spence then, but I missed a lot of the end of the swimming races and I missed the beginning of the track races and I need to catch up on the highlights. It seems Marchand, I became team France when he was winning four golds, but I was also team USA when it was like, come on dudes, get the four by 100 medley, get the four by 100 relay. Katie Ledecky, dude, you cannot stop me. You cannot stop me from loving Katie I'm not even going to try to stop you from loving Keiji Lodecky.
Why would I even want to? And did you find yourself as an American even taking some credit for Leon Marchand or however you say his name? Yeah. was like, you know what? Good job being French, but guess who fucking trained you motherfucker. You know what I mean? The same dude that trained Michael Phelps.
Come I find myself, you know, really digging into my American patriotism and being like, well, I think we should get a half a medal for that in the counts because I mean, you're swimming in our like pools with our coaches. Dude, I love being patriotic. like for me, I've been like associating it with politics because it's like, okay, when all is said and done, like the perfect example for me is actually USA basketball.
Okay. Like, like for me, like there are people, there are guys that play on the USA basketball team that when they play in the NBA, I'm like, this fucking bum, this bum, he, this is not my guy, right? But when they're playing for team USA, I'm like, maybe the best player that I've ever played. This is my favorite player in the hell, in the history of the NBA. Go Jason Tatum, go Kevin Durant, go LeBron James. Like these are my guys.
And I, and I always think to myself, like politics wise, let's fight, let's argue, let's debate, let's talk about how each other's wrong. But when we get a fucking president or a governor or a mayor or whatever, whatever else is available. Let's get behind them, because they're on Team USA now. You know what mean? I know. But are you saying that the opening ceremonies where they mocked the Last Supper did not turn you off to the Olympics? Dude, they didn't mock the Last Supper.
They were talking about the shit we love. They were talking about the Feast of Dionysus. Like that was the shit we love. And everybody's like, the Last Supper, I'm going to be a Christian about this and be Tobias Fuenke from Blue Man Group is in the middle of this fucking Last Supper. And it's like, no, dog, that ain't Tobias Fuenke and it ain't Jesus. It's Dionysus.
Well, the thing you know what I love about this and I've been dying to talk about on this podcast sense is that from a like unconscious level, if look at it from the subconscious, all these old gods that Christianity tried to eradicate and destroy, they didn't go anywhere. know, Carl Jung even has the quotes about like the old gods have not died. They've just entered our body and become complexes and neuroses and physical symptoms because we ignore them.
And That was the display of like, the old gods have been here the whole time and they're ready to mock us and like party with us and Dionysus has not gone anywhere. He's not dead. Dionysus is alive and well and he's on the world stage. Wow, say it correctly. So it's Dionysus. Is that how you say it? Man, you're so good at it. You learned it because you talk about it in school, so you know But when you learn them in school, everyone pronounces them all so differently.
Dionysus, Dionysian, Dionysus, thing about... Listen, man, I'll be honest with you. I'm the first person to admit that I don't know how to pronounce the shit that I read. In fact, here's a story for you.
When I was a sophomore in high school, high school, sophomore in high school, I was in this English class where we had to like, you know, the popcorn deal, you popcorn where you read a paragraph or maybe two, and then you like popcorn to somebody else and they have to read out loud a paragraph or I don't know how to say this without sounding like, look at me, I read. But I was a pretty avid reader as a kid, as a teenager. Doug, I think you can say, look at me, I read.
You're one of the most well -read people I know. I've learned that about myself. I credit my mom and dad about this. Like my mother and father are, all they do is read. That's what they spend. I bet my mom and dad each read about three hours a day. they, you're right about that. I read more than most people I know, right? You are in the top one percentile, I think, of people who read. The point of this story, actually there's two points of this story.
The first point is I was reading out loud as a sophomore in my English literature class in high school and I read out loud the following phrase. The whores divorce were being served. Hahaha. Because I never heard her. I didn't know how to say hors d 'oeuvres. Like, I didn't know And so one of the things I've always faced in my life that has given me sort of insecurity is reading something and not knowing how to say it out loud.
The second part of this, Mike, is do you know what I just finished today? I've just finished the book Hillbilly Elegy by JD Vance. How could I not? This is a guy who wants my vote for vice president of United States of America. Of course I got to read his book. mean, Jesus, I read Art of the Deal by Donald Trump. I read Dreams of My Father by Barack Obama. I read fucking Mitt Romney's memoir, weirdly. Like, I believe in reading about these motherfuckers who want my vote.
And I just finished today Hillbilly Elegy. So, were you turned on by the couch fucking scene? Okay, Mike, how is that not the thing that we've led with? Like, that's the thing we should have talked about from the beginning, right? I mean, I've been, I've been dying to talk about this too. I've been dying to talk about Dionysus and it ties in. mean, Dionysus and fucking couches, I mean, they're, they, go together hand in hand and in a reef. It's all part of the same thing.
And it's like, I've been, I mean, I can't get couches off my mind lately. And you know, I've been wanting to, I've been wanting to do a tribute to all the couches I fucked along the way. HAHAHAHA So when they're talking about him fucking couch and everyone's laughter or something, all of sudden I'm getting memories of all these couches. All these couches. Dude, the way he's being vilified for fucking a couch is almost enough to make me vote Republican.
Well, you know what, if he were handling it better, it would. If he would be like, yeah, which one are we talking about here? I'd immediately be like, thank you. You have my vote. Because what guy, okay, if you have a penis and you, if you have a cock and you tell me you have not rubbed it between two cushions, two pillows of some sort in your life, I do not believe you. I just, I don't believe you. thing that connected the refrigerator door to the refrigerator.
He's like, in an effort to feel alive, I took my bare penis and I put it in between the refrigerator door and the refrigerator and I closed it against that accordion thing to see what that would feel like. I like, honestly, like I heard that I heard that my mind exploded. was like, dude, not only did I do that, I also have tried to listen. It's well known on this podcast that I fucked a couch cushion. I put Vaseline on my mom's green leather couch in the basement and I fucking fucked that couch.
But guess what? that couch is still happy when I come home. That couch is like, what up, baby? You guys been missing me? I'm like, girl, I've been missing you, dog. What I'm just thinking of a big mouth. So Big Mouth, for those who haven't heard it, Big Mouth is Netflix cartoon, but there's a pillow that gets pregnant from a teenager. And then there's a couch too, isn't there? I haven't seen all of the seasons, but pillows, multiple gendered pillows.
Like one pillow gets pregnant because it's a female. One pillow gets jealous because it's a male. The little teenage boy that's fucking these pillows is like, he's he's torn because he's like, listen, I like fucking both. so it's a, actually to give big mouth credit, it's a really good exploration of teenage puberty and homosexuality, bisexuality, straight sexuality, like how that all comes together. But it's also just kind of funny because this teenage boy is like, I'll fuck anything.
I will fuck anything. Do you remember the first time you masturbated? Yeah. Would you like to share? Yeah, so, well, I'll tell you this. So, the first time I masturbated was not a great experience for me because of how much it hurt. But here's what happened was I had a sock. Dude, Mike, the funniest thing about this is that when I was a freshman in college, I had a radio show and I told this story. Yeah. Do you know No!
You've been bearing the lead here for four years, Dude, I had a radio show when I was a freshman in college. And it was for credit. It was for college credit. I yeah, I believe it. mean, you were leaning into your calling early in life. Yeah, yeah. Did you share this on the radio show? So you've been sharing masturbation stories. stories since I was a freshman in college, dawg.
And frankly, and frankly, I've been telling masturbation stories since I've been masturbating because like dudes who were in weights class with me know the story of me fucking that couch. See, I wish I would have read in your circles and I like people in Davis County, Utah. didn't tell masturbation stories. I thought I was the only one masturbating and I felt so awful. just to clarify, Mike, I did too for two years.
It was only when I became a senior in high school and I, you know, when I was a senior, I had a pretty major injury and it affected my whole life and it affected my sports thing. And I had multiple surgeries.
And during the course of those multiple surgeries, I had infinity nurses and my dad and my mom who all saw flaccid and erect cock like everyone saw my dick all the time during those days and So when I finally got back to school after missing like the first three months of my senior year I was more than happy to talk about like something happened inside me where I was like, I got a dick. So do you guys so do you like pound it until it? until it spurts White cream and they were like, yeah, we do.
Yeah in fact, there's a term for that. It's called masturbation. Well, I've told the story on here where I learned the term masturbation through seminary. my, yeah, yeah, I think that's where, I think that's where most Mormon boys learn the term is, is through either like their seminary teacher, their young men's president or their bishop. And it's, such a weird thing. Cause it's like, if you didn't tell me about this, I probably wouldn't have explored it. You know what I mean?
But like my first time masturbating to completion, that's what you're asking me about. Not Not like rubbing my body against a pillow because it felt good. like, soaping up my forearms in the shower and rubbing them against my cock because it felt interesting. Like the first time I masturbated until I ejaculated cum, So I was horny and I was watching scrambled porn and I was like, do you know what? I was like, I'll bet a woman's vagina feels like my tube sock filled with Ben Gay.
You're so creative. Is everyone taking a moment to experience what a tube sock filled with Ben Gay might feel on a penis? Not so much the penis, an open hole to the urethra? My first masturbation experience, came into that, dude, I think that that fucking tube sock is pregnant to this day. I came so much that I, dude, I could have painted, I could have painted the basement with that tube sock.
However, it also had a dab of Ben Gay in it and Ben Gay with the, with the menthol and the whatever else is in Ben Gay that makes it burn got into my urethra and I was like, these are the wages of sin. The wages of sin are my penis burning and feeling like it's about to fall off.
there's a couple, there's a couple of different experiences that I feel like you can relate to women on one, you know, like, I remember when my wife was pregnant for the first time, the amount of people that felt up her, pussy just, know, like her, just like, Hey, how are you feeling now? Like the number of doctors when she was like, getting induced into labor that wanted to check to see She was dilating it. They had interns coming in being like, yeah, I will check.
Okay. Yeah, try to use two fingers and separate the vagina with your pointer finger and your middle finger and that'll give you an idea of how far she's dilated. it's like, bro, are you fingering my wife? Yeah. Well, and then like we're in the hospital and it's like a learning hospital. I think it was in Logan or something and they would come in and like, like, yeah, interns would come in and they're like, yeah. Do you want to, do you want to check too? yeah. I'll check too.
can, my wife's just like, yeah, go whatever. I'm here. I got no secrets, right? That's a woman's experience. I got no secrets. Go ahead and stick your fingers up my pussy. I'm here. I'm just here. And so your story about, you know, going through all those surgeries and stuff and everyone seeing your cock remind me of that.
And then also this is like, you know, a lot of women, beginning, especially Mormon women, you know, when like it's a kind of forced sex after you get married and go to the temple, it's a painful experience. that sounds like a painful first session, Dude, my first masturbation experience was so painful. And here's actually the truth. Like all the things we talk about as far as like how God feels about masturbation or how Jesus was punished in the Garden of Gethsemane because I masturbated.
You can dismiss all of that because you can know the story of the first time I masturbated, my penis hurt for a day and a half afterwards and I couldn't wait to get back masturbating. So, so God can feel sad about it and Jesus can feel blood out of his fucking foreskin for all I care. Everyone can feel really super sad about me beating off, including me, but despite the pain and agony of it, it was so good that I haven't missed a day since then.
Like literally I've been beating off since that day. with the Ben Gay and the tube socks. So my question to you, Mike, is what's your first experience with So as my mission president would say, I got an early start, man. I, I masturbated before I was producing sperm before I was, before I could come. So I would have this thing when I was younger, when I was a wee babe. When I was a young warthog. I found the Romulan. I was going to go for it.
You know, I would get horny at night and I'd pull down my pants and I would just have the biggest raging boner. But I would never think to like play with it. I would just have this boner and be frustrated. And then eventually I'd be like, okay, I'll pull up my pants. And that was kind of the end of it. And I knew about sex at the time. I must have been around like fifth so I hadn't quite hit puberty cause yeah, I wasn't ejaculating yet. Yeah. Fifth grade, man.
So, I'd heard about sex, but my view of sex was this at the time. It was like, I'd heard that like a man puts his penis in the vagina and goes to And the whole time I'm picturing this flaccid penis and this like little seed, like, okay, see June, you're scumming down. And somehow the seed comes out and in, I'm like, but make sure, I'm like, what happens if like, they're not lined up when it comes, you know, I just didn't know.
And then I won't reveal names, but I was having a sleepover with someone. And this is probably like fifth grade. And they were like, I was in my room and I was like on my bed and they were on the floor. And he was like explaining how sex really was, you know, and I was so turned on. I just, all of a sudden just started rubbing it against a pillow.
Like I'm just like, he's telling me the story and I'm just like shaking my hips against a pillow until all of a sudden it was like, what just happened? And I didn't know there was anything wrong to it or anything, like, I mean, there wasn't anything wrong to it, but I didn't know that Mormons believe there was anything wrong to it at the time. Cause this was before I was, I, I, yeah, I'd been baptized, but I hadn't gotten the priesthood yet.
You know, and, and so I, I remember walking into the bathroom being like, what just happened? I'm looking down at my penis and I'm like, okay, that was awesome. And so for the next years of my life, I would go in my, the way I learned how to masturbate and the only way I knew how to masturbate was to go and rub it against a pillow or rub it against my bed. And it was like, it always hurt afterwards because it's like all this friction, all this dry friction and you just rub it.
And then about a year later, I did And then I come, it came for the first time, like I ejaculated for the first time. And I thought I had a disease. I thought, my gosh, I've done this so much. I have an infection. Is what I thought. That's what I thought. I thought it was an infection. I don't know when it changed for me, but I thought it was an infection. And so I was like really worried about that.
And then I had my first, my Bishop's interview to, but I still didn't feel like it was wrong at the time. Like there was an intuition where it's like, well, of course I want to this in private. But then I went to get my interview for, to get the priesthood at 12 years old and the Bishop used the term masturbation and asked me if I did it. And I kind of knew it and he saw my confused look. So he explained it to me. And then it was like, holy shit. I've been doing this for a couple of years.
you because you're such a confessor anyway that you feel like you've been like a seed of the devil for eight years. Yeah. And so I was like, holy shit. yeah. I mean, at that time, so I've been doing it for a couple of years at that point. And, you know, for some reason, basketball really got me like when I was a kid and I would go and shoot hoops on the, like the hoops inside and get like, fill that mic. damn, I want to go rub my dick on a pillow right now.
It's like a Viking in war, you come back and you want to just rape and pillage and plunder. So in other words, I relate to my homeboy JD Vance because my first sexual experiences were with pillows. Holy shit, Mike, I have three things I want to address. Okay, so I'm gonna save JD Vance for the last, I think we want to like, I would like to move into talking about JD Vance a little bit. So I'll save that for last. I want to talk about coming a little bit. Is that okay?
Please, I mean, you got no complaints here. Dude, the thing I'm about to tell you is gonna be kind of like, this is the first time I'm actually, man, I don't even know if I should tell this story. I'm gonna tell it, I'm gonna tell it. Yeah. Okay, so. When I was a junior, I was a junior in high school. I was at a sleepover at my homeboy's house and his older sister was the it girl. Like she was like, like I had jerked off to her so many Man, friends with hot sisters, dude. A, dog.
I might go home tonight and jerk off about her, to be honest with I learned from a friend with a hot sister from the sister. We were having a sleepover and she came down and explained the female anatomy and explained that there were multiple holes, that there is a P hole and she was explaining all the hole and I was just like fascinated and like just wanted to like stick it up all her holes any which one. Any hole I'm there for it. and I'll put it in there.
If it's warm and wet, I'll put it Well, apparently, I mean, even when I was that age, was kind like, well, if an evenness, it's like really dry. It's a whole, a whole is a whole. Yeah, hole's a hole, man. Okay, Mike. So I'm sleeping over at this dude's house. God, I gotta be so fucking careful about this. So I'm sleeping over at his house. God damn it. People are not gonna love this story. People are not gonna love this story because it's not what I'm telling it as.
It's a thing that people are gonna want me to address, but I'm gonna tell it anyway. I'm a junior in high school. sleeping over at my homeboy's house or in his like fucking room in our sleeping bags, whatever type of deal, you know? I wake up at like four in the morning and his sister is straddling like Levi loving, like dry humping me. I have a I wake up as she's like fucking like going hard against me and I come and she clearly comes.
And then like doesn't say anything and leaves and I go back to sleep. And then I wake up in the morning and she's in a sleeping bag right next to me. Like I wake up and I like look at it it's like, this is like the fucking dream girl. This is like, like the girl of my dreams. And she and I had slept next to each other in sleeping bags.
but she had, she, I mean, I woke up in the middle of the night as she was like dry humping I don't have any more to say to that other than like, I started to tell that story when you were talking about some of your experiences. I wanted to tell that story as a, this is where I learned to come.
Like this is where I sort of like, but like as I was telling that story and as I was preparing to tell that story, was like, shit, I think people are going to hear that story and be like, bud, there's some things going on here that you need to deal Yeah, there's some things going on there. And I feel like we should put a little bit of a trigger warning on the episode with it. Yeah. No, it's fine. I can do a little trigger warning.
It's I think as long as we put the trigger warning in, it's cause like, think, I think it's okay. No, I think it's story. I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean for that to be like a weird thing for us, but... Fuck, man. That's a little bit weird. I've never really talked about or thought about that, but that's a little weird, Yeah, man. It's, mean, some people would call that sexual assault and they should, you know what I mean? But I get it's also teenagers exploring bot.
it's, it's, I mean, humans, human development is the deal, man. Humans, we're all apes trying to figure out shit and I'm not trying to do shit. I don't think we should cut it. I think it's good you told it, man. I just think I just knew we just need, I just put a warning in the front with Yeah, I didn't mean for it to be so heavy. Sorry. But here's the deal, and maybe it's good in this way, is that, like, I think you are speaking to something Look, someone I know, a Mormon.
I just don't even, it's hard to tell these stories, but basically, look, got in trouble, And how should I say this? It was so normalizing. This is a very vague story, but I'm going to make it very vague. But this is why. I like it is, or I want to explain this part is because in speaking, he shared the story with me and that in speaking to a non Mormon therapist afterwards.
She just normalized sexuality so much, especially teenage sexuality and teenage curiosity of like, look, there's so much messiness and curiosity in teenage sexuality, especially when it's been repressed. And I'm not doing that in any way. I don't know if we should get more of that, but I think we're both sharing stories of It's complex, it's messy, it's... And we're all apes and humans trying to figure out our bodies. Like, you know?
And I'm not doing this to excuse anything, I'm not doing this, it's Here's to the mess we make, Cut that part Do want to cut it out? I don't know, I feel like I didn't mean I certainly didn't mean to confess to sexual assault, but as I was telling it I was like, shit, this is sexual assault. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do from here. I want to talk about JD Vance. Maybe we just like fucking leave it in. Who cares? Like let people gonna live it in man.
I think this is part of part of this is part of it all man. This is part of it and Yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't need to apologize for that shit. I don't even know why I'm apologizing for it. I think I am apologizing for it though, because I feel a little embarrassed telling that story. think that's part of all of it. This is like it, there's shame wrapped up in it. There's You're talking about sex and sex is messy, Yeah, dude, sex is messy in a good way sometimes.
Yeah, in a great way sometimes. and you know, it's all, all of it, I guess. So. right, let's talk about hillbilly elegy. Let's talk about JD Vance. Should I think we should. Unless there's anymore you want to... You're great. You're awesome. You're my best friend. I love you so much. I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry if that was Well, no, let me say one more thing about it because it's tricky, right? There's a tricky part of it.
Like, look, there seemed to be a lack of consent, but then also it's also like, we probably would have consented maybe, right? Like, I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. And. fact, boy, I'm about to say this part. In fact, man, forgive me, everyone out there who has dealt with real issues, I deeply apologize for what I'm about to say.
I just told that story and at the time I was glad it happened the way it happened because I would have given consent for that to happen, but felt like I could hide behind not feeling guilty about it at the time because it did not happen with my consent. Dude, that's I think you just voiced the complexity and all that, man. And the complexity also about being a Mormon and having to... like having to, wanting an alibi for wanting an alibi, wanting to be like, look, I really want to fuck.
I really wanted this. I want an alibi. Like I've talked about a lot on how I would masturbate in a dreamlike state on my mission. Yeah, yeah, tie your tie your dream. Try tie your pajama pants so tight. Yeah, I remember. And it really was in a dreamlike state. Like I'm not making that up. It wasn't an out, but it was an alibi, but it was also really tricky for me because it was like, I, brought up all these emotions of like, how much was I in control? How much was I dreaming?
How much was I not dreaming? How much was this, that, that, and that's. It's kind of like a little bit awful territory with that, like the whole mix of emotions with that, and that's why we just need the trigger Dude is it crass of me to just say let's pivot into JD Vance? Let's pivot into JD Vance. Okay. How many stars would you give Hillbilly LG? fucking five out of five. If it's 10, it's 10 out of 10.
So I made a whole thing for my kids after finishing Hillbilly Elegy where I was like, OK, listen, this book makes me think JD Vance is someone who has faced hardship. It's someone who is confused about their upbringing. It's someone who was raised in a certain class and then has mixed emotions and feelings about class jumping. This guy is a, this guy was raised in poverty. He was raised by a grandma and grandpa who really have a lot of animosity towards classes above and below them.
This is a guy who's dealing with a lot of confidence because he went to Yale, made a shitload of money with wealth management and venture capital, made a shitload of money by writing a best seller, became a Senator, and now is the 39 year old candidate for vice president of the United States. This is a guy who's like an American success story, And Mike, a lot of his stories are similar to stories that you and I tell.
He tells them with a little bit different of a slant because he talks about his grandpa who raised him after his mom. You know, his mom dealt with addiction. His dad wasn't in the picture. His parents, his grandparents raised him. His grandparents were union people, steelworkers, white trash, hillbillies who, who, you know, had a deep distrust of the man and of the, of the, of the status quo. They were union people, steelworker union people.
First time his grandpa voted Republican was for Ronald Reagan in 1980 because he didn't want to vote for Howard Mandel. Like, listen, this is an American story. Do you know what I mean? And I don't know what's true and what's not, like what's embellished, but he's pretty honest about that. He's like, look, man, I'm telling you this story from the best of my abilities. Some of it's probably embellished by my family. Some of it's probably you know, made up by my uncle.
Some of it's like my sister telling me like bullshit. Like he's pretty honest. And so when I go into the, when I, when I, when I venture into the internet, I'm like, wow, everybody's trying to vilify JD Vance the same way we try to vilify Joe Biden, Donald Trump, Kamala Harris, Tim walls, JD Vance, fucking Mike Pence, Mitt Romney, John McCain, George W. Bush, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, George H .W. Bush. Like we have vilified these people from the dawn of time.
And that's what's happening to JD Vance right now. But as I read this book and I was like, he probably is dealing with a lot of like self -loathing, a lot of class warfare, a lot of like, traitor to his own people type of feeling. But here's the thing, Mike. Haven't we all worked for a boss who we think is a piece of shit? Yeah. Hell yeah. a boss who we don't agree with, but we think that we can change the narrative about what they're trying to do?
Haven't we all worked for somebody who were like, think that I can be, I think I can be a champion for good against what this dumb shit is trying to say. And I don't have much negative to say about JD Vans other than I've seen the way the internet is trying to vilify I don't have much negative to say about Kamala Harris. I didn't really know much about Kamala Harris until I was like, shit, she's the candidate for president. I better learn about her. I did a deep dive.
I don't know fucking shit about this Tim Walz guy who is the governor of Minnesota. So I need to like deep, I need to do a deep dive and figure out what he's all about. But once in a while, we got to take a little bit of a break, a little separation from This is our politics and this is how we vilify people. And instead, once we got to figure it out, I'm Team USA all the way. We got to take a little bit of a break from that. And once in a while, we got to separate the wheat from the chaff.
We got to say, look, JD Vance might be a guy who votes different than me and I want to debate him and I want somebody capable to debate him and I want to vote against him. But if he is elected vice president, I'm going to support that dude. Having said that, we need to be better and we need to be softer as a human people because we need to be better about the people that we vilify. But we also need to be a little bit softer about the people that we vilify.
And sorry, Mike, I did this in the last episode where I talked too much and I'm going to keep talking too much. We need as a human people to recognize that what's playing out in front of us right now is the story of the emperor's new clothes. Donald Trump does not represent the ideals or highest self of any party. He only represents trying to re brand other people's ideas and group and make a grift on and try to make some money on it.
So Donald Trump, before he became president, tried to rebrand the concept of real estate ownership, the concept of golf course ownership, the concept of water, the concept of reality television, the concept of fucking education. He tried to rebrand all that, slap his name on it, and it was a grift. was a fucking charlatan. He was a fucking snake oil salesman. He was a fucking carnival Right? He's a fucking con man. He's the most impressive con man that's ever existed on the planet Earth.
But when he comes in and wants to rebrand democracy and rebrand brand conservatism and rebrand racism and rebrand sexism and rebrand bigotry and slap his name on it and try to make it a grift where he can make money. Don't wear a shirt that has the Confederate flag. Wear a shirt that says make America great again. Don't wear a flag that says. I hate black people wear a shirt that says I'm voting for the felon. Don't wear a shirt. Don't put a bumper sticker that is like the South will rise again.
Put a bumper sticker that says let's go Brandon. He's trying to rebrand things that people hold dearly, whether it's good or not. People hold racism dearly. People hold sexism dearly. People hold Republicanism, Conservatism, pro business. He's trying to rebrand and make it a grift where he makes money on it. And at some point, some goddamn fucking Republicans who I respect need to say, the emperor is naked. He's not wearing any clothes. Let's move on from Donald Trump.
Let's get people like JD Vance. Let's get people like Mitt Romney. Let's get people like Mike Pence. Let's get people like John McCain. And let's have a real conversation about ideals that represent this country. But for the meantime, call Someone who was a fucking charlatan and a fucking snake oil salesman and a fucking fraud. Call him out and move on. Dude, I'm sorry. Should we just scrap this whole episode? fuck to the no, man.
No, because like you're speaking something that's really I've been wrestling with, right? Because a few episodes ago, we talked about, I shared that experience I had at the December's concert where they were singing the song 16 military wives, which is all about political division and talking heads on and the 24 hour news cycle. you know, he, the lead singer did that thing where he divided the crowd arbitrarily and had to sing back to each La dee da dee da dee da dee da dee da.
It's like you divide the crowd, you know, and I've, and I think even more so now I'm zoomed out and I see that like, look, there's an intention to the division and that if the two sides are yelling at each other and screaming at each other and not listening, certain people win and America loses, right? And yet, yet we have a candidate like Trump who doesn't rep, he's not a Christian. He's not a patriot.
He's trying to rebrand Christianity so we can fucking grift on it, dude, and make money on I'm one of my favorite things we talked about the the Olympic opening ceremonies and everyone, you know, has their panties in a bunch about the Last Supper. You have artwork about Trump being nailed to a cross.
UGH And he knows how to exploit the fears, just like any dictator rising to power, he knows how to exploit your worst fears and elevate himself over the collective because he knows what you're scared about. He knows how to exploit that and he knows how to play to that. And so there's a part of me that's recognizing like, look, I don't want to be caught up in this division.
And yet One party actively trying to tell one, and I shouldn't say one party, but one, yeah, one group, we're trying to actively say who you should have sex with and who you shouldn't. Who, what choices women should make and what they shouldn't. kind of autonomy you have over your fucking body? What, giving a shit about a, a, a woman boxer, an Algerian boxer. Dude, is that the weirdest thing in the world right now? Is that the weirdest thing going on right now currently?
That's the weirdest thing. It's so weird. And then the number of articles on Fox news that like, just poking fun now at a, a woman boxer, Olympic boxer to, to stir up division to only for the purpose. They don't really care transgender, whatever they want to rile up the base. They have something to gain from it. They need views. need the, They make money off of it, dude. Jesse Waters makes money off of saying the Algerian women's boxer is a trans male to female.
Jesse Waters from Fox News makes money by saying something so offensive. He makes money off of it. And I'm, and I'm going to tell you right now, I'm, I, I, got nothing for concept of Christianity right now. read. Dude, do know what I did this morning, Mike? I read the Sermon on the Mount. I did it this morning. I was like, dude, maybe, you know what? I got to like re -familiarize myself with some of this stuff and who knows, God knows what's going on. So I read the Sermon on the Mount.
And you know, the cool thing about the Sermon on the Mount is that it's given in Matthew, it's given in the New Testament, Matthew 5 through 7, but it's also given through the Nephites in Nephi chapter three. So you can read two versions of it. They're pretty much the same thing, just not to give everybody any kind of like hope for the future, but they're the same thing.
But I would challenge anybody who listens to this podcast who's like, well, I love the podcast and it's food for thought and it's something to think I disagree with you guys politically, disagree with you guys spiritually, I disagree with you guys on whatever. Like, cool. I welcome that and I love you and I want that. Go read the Sermon on the Mount and compare that to fucking Donald Trump.
Compare it to Donald Trump, compare it to the conservative party and try to convince me that Donald Trump or the Republicans at large represent Jesus Christ. And furthermore, Mike, I'm sorry that I keep talking, but I'm going to tell you this part as well. There's a pretty interesting thing about like, You know, there's like, Trumpism exists and I think probably it's very different than conservative fiscal policy. I think it's also very different than Christianity.
But Christians are willing to sell themselves to Donald Trump in the short term to forsake themselves in the long And what I mean by that is Christians like to talk about the Antichrist and they like to talk about like the rise of godless heathens and pagans and God knows what else. Here's the problem with that whole thing is that only believers in Christ are available to be deceived by the Antichrist.
People like me, people like Mike, people that are Hindu, people that are Muslim, people that are Buddhist, people that are Jewish, people that are fucking whatever, people who are atheist, people who are pagan, they are not in danger of being misled and deceived by the Antichrist. The only people who the Antichrist can mislead are people who believe in the concept of Christ, and that is Christians.
So when Christians are trying to like assign anti -Christ fucking values to heathens and pagans like you and Those are the people who are being fooled by the adversary. Those are the people who are being led down to hell by the antichrist. People who believe in the existence of a Christ have to therefore believe in an antichrist. And you're the only ones who can be deceived into believing in the antichrist.
People who like me don't believe in the existence of a Christ can't believe in the existence of an antichrist. You fucking dipshits. Sorry. One of the reasons I'm glad we're having this conversation right now is, you know, I think we've hidden like four years on the podcast. Happy four years, man. I think this is like around the time when we leaked the long cover. Mike, four years. So here's to four more years. I don't know that we'll make it four more years, but here's to four more years.
I don't know. I could talk with you forever, There's been a lot of talk of shadow work and being able to look at your own shit and where we're projecting, where we're not. And clearly, you when you've got two sides, whenever there's whenever you sit of a villain and a hero, you're dealing with a projection, you're dealing with a shadow element. And, you know, I'm quick to like, be like, OK, where am I projecting? Where am I?
And so it's made me rethink my politics even and being like, where was I so wrapped up in trying to be right that I'm not listening to the other side, right? and so like I'm saying, this election has been really interesting for me because I feel like I'm both seeing it from a zoomed out perspective and being like, all right, CNN, I see what you're doing here. All right, Fox news. I see what you're doing here.
I, I, I, I'm seeing it more than I was four years ago, eight years And at the same I'm like, but no, like I care about the marginalized people in the society. I care about those things that Christ talks about in the Sermon on the Mount. And I'm willing to advocate and fight for those things. And maybe part of my shadow projection is trying to be a little bit too understanding and too like, look at myself. where am I wrong? And where am I listening?
Where sometimes I'm like, no, I've thought through this. I have an opinion. Not only have opinion, but I think I've had pretty damn good opinion. and a pretty damn good perspective of what it looks like from an outsider to see someone who does not care about American values, that we talk about, or we've been talking about on this podcast, does not care about Christianity, has set himself up as the savior of both. Dude. And I gotta speak to that shit.
so it's like a weird tension I've been holding and this is helping me kind of like explore that more. I bring up something that's kind of like near and dear to our hearts? Other than jerking off until you cum. Other than jerking off until creamy white substance comes shooting out of your penis. which by the way, I'm very passionate about. I wanna talk more about are you? Same. Wait, same.
Mike, many of our besties, many of our home, our closest home girls and homeboys, and many of the people who listen to this podcast actually are very passionate about the concept of vaccines, about government interference with things like 5G and injections and mandatory Like many of our people are into that, And yet, I need to say this out loud.
As much as I love you, and I think this is probably gonna lose us probably 200 listeners, as much as I love No one, no one ever, as far as I know, there was talk about mandatory vaccines, but it never was enacted. There was talk about like, hey, this is a thing that you need to do in order to be better prepared for the collective, to be a member of a tribe, to be a member of a civilization. It was never mandated.
And yet, because it was close to being mandated, because it was like talked about being a mandate, because it was talked about, please do this. We think that you should do this. It's important that you do this. It's important that you get vaccinated. It's important that you wear a mask. It's important you do all this.
Because that was a conversation, people were willing to basically forsake their entire sense of freedom and defend Donald And that fucking same Donald Trump is the person who not only appointed Supreme Court justices, but also fought for those Supreme Court justices that we have since learned are on the take. We have since learned are receiving benefits from the wealthy. Those are the same Supreme Court justices that revoked a 40 -year -old law that gave women autonomy against their own bodies.
Do not talk to me about vaccines. Do not talk to me about your body, your choice. If you are willing to support someone who unequivocally and unilaterally takes away the right to govern their own bodies from 54 % of the population, go fuck yourself.
And I'm saying that to the people I love the most and the people that I care about and the people that I've deep, deep conversations about when it comes to like vaccinations and what vaccines are and what government I'm talking to the people I love most go fuck yourself. You have empowered a madman dictator who wants to take away the rights of 54 % of the population. Don't talk to me about vaccines anymore. I'm done talking about vaccine.
I'm done talking about well, but both sides and baby, no, you're wrong. You are wrong. And the reason I can confidently say you're wrong is because I've spent more time thinking about, reading about, and learning about the shit you want to have a fucking opinion about. I'm just letting that linger there for a minute, Mike, are we cancelled? Maybe we can't, I'm ready to be canceled, man. If that's what it is, let's do of being diplomatic, dude. I am, I think we cut it right there. Really?
I kind of want to keep going because there are things that I think are worthy of debate. There are things that I think are worthy of having a right and a left, a Republican and Democrat, a conservative and liberal progressive. I think that there are things that are worthy about that. Look, I'm going to tell you the truth. I think that Republicans have a better take on fiscal policy. I think Republicans have a better take on on foreign policy.
Like these are things that think Republicans have a better take on. In fact, Mitt Romney in 2012 was talking about the dangers of Russia and China. Russia who then invaded Georgia, Syria has become a problem. Russia who then invaded Ukraine and is still an ongoing problem. been over a year since that has gone in. Mitt Romney in his debates with Barack Obama was talking about that and he was laughed Barack Obama had a clever one -liner and it cost Mitt Romney the election in 2012.
I think that there are things that we should disagree on. I think there are things that we should debate. I think there are things that we should talk about. But Donald Trump is such a successful con man. He's such a successful carnival barker that there are people who are fighting. on behalf of things that directly impact them negatively.
There are people who are in my circles who want to defend a snake oil salesman like Donald Trump in order to mortgage and forsake their entire fucking future because of little things like I don't want my kids to get a vaccination because the vaccination has 5G and the 5G is going to be used to track us and Bill Gates is going to be using that to track our movements and our internet use. it's like, stop carrying around a goddamn smartphone if that's what you really think you dipshit.
I'm sorry, Mike. I don't want to cut this. I want to like unload. I want to unload until we get fully canceled. Okay, well, can I talk about this from maybe like a little bit of a psychological perspective here? Because I keep trying to bring it back to the fucking shadow or whatever, but let me talk about this in a minute. Or like, let me explore this for a Cause I like what you're saying about there. It ties into what we talk about with healing.
And I like that you read the serpent on the Mount, right? And like what it means to be Christ -like and what it means to be a loving human being and to be tolerant. And yet part of this thing, and I like how we start talking about with masturbation and getting in touch with our animal bodies is that we're fucking animals. And also we live in a world that Nope. I'm sorry. Is hippie dippy and love lovely as we get on mushrooms and everything. Don't ever go and try to pet a fucking wolf.
Don't do it. Don't do it. So build the fences around, around your community. Keep the wolves Don't kill all the wolves. The wolves are needed. You need the wolves. The wolves are part of the ecosystem. They're part of nature. You could admire them from afar and appreciate what they, the beauty they do and what they do in the environment and all that.
But don't let them in your camp and don't try to go fucking pet them or try to do like this thing of like, Hey, I'm a wolf whisperer and go up and try it. No, don't fucking do that. It's just like, so I think what we're talking about a similar thing here that I love is that like, okay. human to human, let's talk, let's listen. I want to hear more. I to hear what your anxieties are. I want to hear what your frustrations are and let's come together.
But if there's a wolf amongst us, kick the motherfucker out and then let's have a talk. But we can't do that. We can't do that while we're all like giving our hands to the wolf. And, and they're, while we're lying to each other about our relationship with the wolf. I like that, Right? We cannot have open debate and discourse and discussion and conversation about what to do about that wolf if one of us is lying about our relationship with the wolf. Can't do that. Can't do Mike, should we stop?
Should we stop this 14 minutes ago? Please do. I want to get out of being the problem child. Please say please say offensive, terrible things, please. time with that shit man. But let me talk about JD Vance because we talked about that in My man, my man. And here's my, and here's why I also can relate to the guy and also find it funny that it's like, so to be clear, he does, I mean, you read the book, he doesn't, he doesn't talk about fucking a couch in the book, right?
It wasn't at some tweet that someone did. was a fabricated thing. By the way, I hope he impregnated that couch. I hope he fucked that couch until that couch was like, can I introduce you to my mom and dad? I hope that couch was like, I'm so kinky that I want you to have a threesome with me and my girlfriend. I hope that he in that couch, I hope a loveseat buttfucked him while he fucked that couch. I love JD Vance and want him to be like fulfilled sexually.
Okay, sorry, go So my point with that is that the reason why it's become a joke and a meme in this is because you have this group of people like JD Vance and Donald Trump and who don't want to confess to their own humanity. Who they go to the Republican National Convention in Wisconsin or Milwaukee, is that where it was? And is in Wisconsin. So you're both you're right twice. And Grindr crashes when they're having the Republican National Convention.
servers crashed in Milwaukee during the Republican National Convention. That's not a fucking fake news. That's not a tweet. That really happened. Grindr crashed in Milwaukee. As they're all jerking off to this thing about the traditional family and this and, and, one man, one woman, all that. And you know what? There's a whole segment of man. He's like, look, don't you don't have to be in the shadows with that. Like if you love a man, love a man.
Why are you shaming yourself for Fuck that fucking mouth, bro! Go for it, dog! Like, let's be homies! Like, let's suck each other's dicks! Get in there, get in there. And so, even though I know it's fake news, and even though I know, so I'm here trying to simultaneously relate to JD Vance and also be like, and laugh at his expense because it's like, dude, not just his expense, but the expense of all that whole group that wants to pretend that they are not apes too.
and wants to shame us for being apes and say which ways we can or cannot, which holes we can or cannot stick our penises snitches have stars on your Yeah. And so that's why I fucking love this story, man. So that's why I wanted to do this and give an ode to all the couches I fucked along the way. And then also have a good laugh at their expense because it's like, come on, can't we just all be like, put on some music and get down with a green, green couch, a leather couch?
Every time I make a rhyme, girl, you just sit back and cry. I asked myself why. why? Because I'll be gone till November. Couch, I'll be gone till November. January, February, March, April, May, I'll be gone till November. Couch, I'll be gone till November. Yeah, I mean, I don't mean to be like too white cleft, but like, come on out. No, I what I want to sing along with you, but anytime I try to sing along with you, there's a lag on this thing.
And I listened back to it every time I'm like, wait, no, I knew I was singing along with him on that. And I'm like, wait, no, but there's a lag between it. And it looks like I'm trying to like mouth the words with you. And I'm like, yeah, let's do it. So for some reason we can't sing along together on this, but. But we got we got some hymns that we've been working on. So, hey, by the way, y 'all get your tickets now for Something Funky on a Friday Night.
Mike, we don't even know when it is, y 'all, we did something cool on a Friday night. We did something chill on a Friday night. And Mike and I have been working very hard to bring to you something funky on a Friday Something funky on a Friday night. Let's get real funky. to match it up with you dog. Come on now What you talking about what you talking about Getting real funky on a Friday. We're gonna go real slow. We can take it slow. can go real slow. We can take it low. If you want to go low.
Dude, it's going to be a place where you can get funky. So bring your fucking MDMA, bring your gals and girls and guys and dudes like, and get funky dog. Come on with it. If you're still listening at this point, I think probably you're going to be there. Like honestly, if someone is still listening right now, Probably our homies that are gonna be there for something funky on a Friday night and we are gonna be there with it We're gonna bring it. I swear to you.
We are gonna fucking bring So can we give them a range of dates or can we throw out a date? Like late September, early October? October ish dogs. We're going to be ready for it. And we're coming to Salt Lake city. It might be October. It could be late October too, actually. I got to have a couple of medical procedures. had a couple done last week. I got a couple more to do at the end of this month.
I'm like, I'm like having surgeries galore, but once we get done with my surgeries, Mike and I are available to you. And I mean that, I mean that like head to toe, we are available to We are available all, so we'll say one of the Fridays in October. Stay tuned. tuned. Stay tuned girl. All right, Mike, let's get it. you know what? That's what we'll need going into because it's something funky on a Friday to get us through wherever we're at in this like election that's going to be. I mean.
believe? November something. don't know the exact date but like shit's weird man. It's gonna get weird. Go whatever. Whoever you're voting for, like go that person but like go fuck yourself if you're voting for an actual con man. -ho!